Invisible Destiny
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Happenings |
Experiences |
Love Life |
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· Jan 6th - ...A Yearn for
Dawn |
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· Feb 9th - First
Message from a Medium in 16 Months! |
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· Feb 17th -
Counselling Presentation Day |
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· April 6th - Message
from a Medium 2 |
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· April 12th - A
lesson in Anticipation |
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· April 25th - ...In
Love with Dawn... |
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· May 1st - 1st Cold
Bath / Poetry Night |
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· May 2nd - Message
from a Medium 3 |
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· May 24th - First
meet Lindsay |
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· May 31st - Bad Karma
Week |
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· June 6th - Asking
Lindsay Out...? |
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· June 12th - Lindsay
Creates a Turbulent Time |
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· June 18th - My Hopes
for Lindsay end in Embarrassment |
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· June 19th - Glastonbury
Appears out of Nowhere! |
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· June 22nd-
Glastonbury 2003 begins |
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· June 27th- Rock On
and Rocked Off at Glastonbury |
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· June 28th- Poets
corner at Glastonbury |
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· June 30th- A Day of
Dawn and Devastation |
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· July 1st- The
Experience of Getting Home (the end of Glastonbury 2003) |
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· Aug 16th - First
house Break-in |
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· Aug 25th - The 2nd
Break-in |
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· Sept 14th - ...
Dawns Love Lust Returns... |
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· Sept 26th-
Psychology Course at College Starts |
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· Oct 9th - The 3rd
Break-in |
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· Oct 13th - My Last
Night at the Blackburn Spiritualist Church |
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· Oct 31st - The
Landmark Forum Begins |
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· Nov 1st - Second Day
of the Landmark Forum |
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· Nov 2nd - Last Day
of the Landmark Forum |
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· Nov 23rd - A Break
to the Isle of Wight |
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· Dec 15th - ... Dawns
Last Love is Lost |
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· Dec 16th - Rachel -
A New Inspiration |
January
New years
day was a time of reflection and awakening. Looking back over 2002, I could hardly
believe the magic which surrounded my fortunes. I remembered Glastonbury, the
Spiritualist church and Arwen - all existing in my experience bank thanks to
the powers and wonders of the universe I could not hope to understand right
now. The scene was set for changes and I knew this year would be a major step
in the right direction. There were the usual hopes and dreams to muse upon.
There were the ultimate challenges and awakenings I longed to experience. And
there was an underlying feeling of self-confidence stirring in my bones,
which would hold my head up while chaos ruled my world. All this was still to
come, and with anticipation I presented myself with a years royal tarot
spread to confirm some of my suspicions. This would be another building year;
time to develop a sense of who I was as an individual, as a man with a mind,
with a voice and a soul. The spread looked good, and promised lots of interactions
- some for the better, and some which would lead me astray from my true path.
Money would be tight as usual; at least for the first months; as one small
problem after another would need just enough financial support to leave me
broke. Love would play a major part in my life this year - love lust and love
lost. I just hoped my emotions would grow from these interplays and not be
broken by them as they had done so often before. 'Everything will work out
fine', said the cards 'and you are in a much stronger and higher position now
to appreciate your developments'. I turned over the last card to predict how
I would be in a year’s time. A voice interrupted me. 'Do you want to reverse
this card before you turn it over?'. My hands stopped in their tracks and I
shuddered to think of the consequences of this life path. No, I would not
change my mind, I wanted to full force of this path to be adopted. The card
was the 'Tower'; showing I would be experiencing major changes over the year
to turn me into someone new. Rather than being a destructive card, I knew the
Tower showed an escape from the past and a positive shake-up of myself and me
situation. I could already see the clouds forming on the distant horizon -
the full force of which would hit around mid March. After that I would have
to brace myself for this particular storm, as my future would certainly
revolve around it. For now everything was rather hazy - but through it all my
heart was dreaming of love...
Horoscope for
Friday 3rd: "2003 hasn't really yet started for you. Everything, so far,
seems a little vague and nebulous. You hope that certain plans will come
together but you can't be sure that they will. It is as if you are waiting
for a development over which you have no control. You ought to be OK with
this for you are easy going and adaptable by nature. But now you are
wondering whether, by avoiding a particular issue, you may be inadvertently
prolonging it. This weekend, your mind will be set at rest on that score.
Everything is starting to take care of itself quite wonderfully." (©)
Cainer.com
The first
week of January ended with a stroke of luck. I'd completely forgotten about
the party being held at Bevs place, and only a chance brush with a friend
from work as she left the building reminded me of the good times I was about
to miss out on. I arrived at Bevs shortly after 9pm to a welcome reception. It
was Bevs birthday and she'd invited all manner of spiritual guests to create
a lively atmosphere. Among these was someone I hadn't seen since I went to
her in the pits of depression. She was a healer among other things and we
talked about all manner of philosophies; which grounded my mind after such a
heavy day at work. Among the wishes revolving in my mind at the moment was
the wish to find out about my love life. I had considered going for a private
reading to get some answers, but here was a woman insisting I listen while
she laid out a tarot spread. I listened while she summed up a lot of the
things I knew already about this year, and one or two major things I didn't.
'You will meet your soul mate sometime in this life', she said. 'I know, I
just know I will', I replied. There was nothing that would distract me from
this attraction - my soul development would hinge on it. But would this
happen sooner or later? 'You'll know when it happens - you'll know straight
away', she reminded me; the third time someone had said this about my bride
to be. I had hoped this would be Dawn but my heart was still split over this
one. On one hand I was plainly drawn to her for a good reason. She was like a
sister to me. And yet on the other hand I wasn't getting those deep gut yearnings
I knew I would be feeling if I had found my true soul mate. I left the party
after midnight and bumped into Bevs son. He'd also been approached by Eddie
to learn the deeper aspects of magic. Unlike me, he had yet to decide whether
or not to go for it. He warned me that this guy was dangerous and may use me
for his own ends. It was too late now; I was on that path for better or
worse. I'd just have to wait and see.
Monday
(6th) was the first day back at college after the Christmas break. This time
I chose a seat at the far end of the circle or chairs, and lo and behold,
Dawn was the one whose chair I'd unwittingly sat next to. The crew seemed
more at ease with each other tonight and I felt more comfortable around them.
I was cool and calm - the guy I knew I always was deep inside, but seldom did
I really get the chance or the confidence to show these colours. The first
exercise of the day was a simple and yet tricky one. We had to interview each
other and give our views on something we would change (or increase),
something we would decrease and something we would keep the same. Quite a few
people had something to say about my casual approach. Some said they would
increase it, some said they would keep it the same and some said I should be
less of an outsider and join in more. I found it so much easier to view life
as an outsider looking in rather than the other way around. Most people
actually said 'don't change - stay being you' which was rather flattering. We
carried on with this throughout the evening and came together to share our
findings at the end. I interviewed Dawn. She said she was unprepared for my
friendliness towards her (and other people) as I tried to help them
understand themselves and their path in life. I always enjoyed helping people
with their spiritual side. Rather than offer dogma, I simply tried to help by
sharing some practical lessons I'd learned in life. This was what I enjoyed
doing and this is what I was actually quite good at. After a question by Dawn
and Donna on our counselling 'pub night' last year, I'd done both a name and
numerology reading - mostly pulled directly off the internet. Dawn wondered
how anybody could be so generous as to offer these gifts without reward. I
said that I learned so much by helping other people that I was actually
getting the biggest rewards of all - education, enthusiasm and friendship.
According to one Greek philosopher (Seneca), these are all a man needs to
find true happiness, so maybe I was finding this out for myself. Of course
there was another side to this generosity. In Dawns case I was also glad to
get to know her more; hopefully to decide whether we should start a 'special'
friendship. But that was still a long way off.
I also
managed to catch Jayanne before she left to talk about her house hauntings.
She was unaware that this thing was dangerous and had actually attached
itself to me to drain my energies. She said she had recently split from her
long-time boyfriend, and did I think these creatures had anything to do with
the bad energies around the place. I said I thought there was a strong
possibility of it, and that this thing could be the cause of a whole lot of
trouble. The entity had attached itself to me, and only thanks to the tarot
lady I'd met at Bevs party had I finally gotten rid of it. She had no idea of
this and I didn't want to scare her. Although I did strongly recommend she
get experts in to remove it as soon as humanly possible.
The rest of
the first week no less eventful. My dreams finally began to recover there past
clarity and I began to enjoy interesting nightly forays again. Tuesday saw me
at the cinema again to watch the Two Towers (again) in the luxury of the
newly built Accrington multiplex. I also picked up two David Icke videos off
Bev, and found them to be very enlightening. On Wednesday (8th), Dave came
into Asda and offered to get me the money he owed me from a collection of CDs
I'd bought him. That evening I went around to his place and picked up the
cash. Mike was also there and said he and Dave were just about to go back to
his place for the evening. I agreed to join them and got to spend much of the
night listening to Dave’s meandering mental wanderings. Somehow I saw Dave
had lost respect for me and my opinion. He talked directly to Mike for the
most part and I kept myself to myself. But now I was actually comfortable
doing this. Once upon a time I would have felt out-of-place and keen to interrupt
the conversation to rejoin the gang. It seemed I was finding a new part of
myself content to BE myself - something David Icke was keenly verbal about
too.
The Friday
(10th) night saw me initiating another spell. After Eddie’s recommendation to
do a love spell after Christmas to attract my soul mate into my life, I made
preparations to do the spell over the next two nights. I put my heart into
the process and tried to create as much energy for it as possible. I knew
this kind of spell would take time to work as I had asked specifically for my
most ideal partner to enter my life; I had time to wait. But why was Dawn
still interrupting my thoughts? Maybe she was the attraction in my life at
the moment - and whenever I thought about love I would think of her. I
decided to use Dawn as a symbol of my love so that the spell would include
her as a candidate but not limit the search to her alone. The forces of the ethers
were always there to help - and I learned this interestingly the next day.
I'd been awake until 5am performing the love spell and I was in no mood to
get up and go to work. In fact I rolled over and ignored the alarm clock
almost as if it had not sounded at all. Some time later I was in the middle
of a dream when an alarm sounded. Not like my own alarm clock - this was
something different - and was definitely not part of my dream (I was only
semi-unconscious). My head was under the bed-sheets and yet this sound was
loud and clear, as if someone had blow a trumpet into my ear. I knew this was
a sound from spirit to make sure I got to work - otherwise the consequences
would have been severe. Thank god! Thank my guides! I knew there was more to
me and this life than just this physical world; I was beginning to see it,
and I was beginning to hear it.
The second
full week of January opened with a relaxing evening in church in which I
could have sworn I'd seen rainbows. The next night (13th) I casually returned
to college for my weekly confidence booster. But things were different
tonight. As soon as I entered the room I got the feeling of deep anxiety in
my stomach. I sat and wondered why this was happening to me after I'd had
such a good time the week before. Surely I wasn't nervous around these
people? I soon found out the cause. Someone in the room was distraught with
upset and turmoil - someone was vibrating so wildly with mental and emotional
pain that the entire room took on the atmosphere inside this persons mind. As
we made our way around the circle everything seemed quite normal and mundane,
until the last person to speak began to cry. This woman had a serious story
to tell, and she wasn't sure whether she should be here talking about it at
all. Eventually the cup overflowed and she cried in pain that she had cancer.
My heart went out to her, and despite the efforts of the lecturers and some
of the students to change the subject, I could still feel the tension deep in
my stomach. The class never openly spoke about it again, but this Friday
would find us all on a residential weekend, I vowed to have a word with her
then. Before I could blink, the group was split into two and we went off to
discuss a situation in which someone had challenged us in our lives. The
distraught woman went with the other group into another room but I could
still feel the tension in my body as long as I remained in that main room. I
took time out over the break-time to get myself back together. I could see
another student was also in trouble. He was in the middle of major upsets at
home and at work, and while he had these troubles in his heart he would be
useless as a student or as a friend. After a few words he told me the whole
story and I tried to full as much out as I could before break finished. After
break, this man was to act as counsellor for another student - his mind would
have been all over the place if I hadn't have helped him first. The evening
drew to a close after that session and the groups came back together again.
Before I left on my merry way, I asked Dawn if she was still interested in
learning the Tarot over the residential weekend. She was keen to learn and so
I suggested we arrive at the hotel early on the first day to relax and play
around before the action started. Dawn took my phone number and agreed to
call me if she could make it sooner in the day. I was looking forward to this
next weekend so much - too much in fact - I knew my wild hopes could never be
met... but I hoped all the same.
Horoscope for week commencing Saturday, 11th January:
"Confusion abounds in your world this week, not that you are bothered by
a little gentle contradiction. Someone is trying to remain in control, and
they will, making it impossible for you to assail them without getting in
over your head. Focus on the good things you can change, however your ruling
planets are opposite in the sky, giving you grand scope for a full and varied
week and with a full Moon to round it off, who needs to fight another
control-freak? Best to let them get on with it you know your own position now
and don't need to justify yourself, so accentuate the positive and survive
long enough to watch your rivals' position turn to dust." (c) cainer.com
As my
dreams got more and more intense, they started to get more interesting. One
which stood out for Tuesday (14th) was an image of two car headlights, and as
I placed quartz crystals on them they lit up. This was a very simple way of
saying 'use crystals and they will awaken your senses'. The next night I dreamt
I was back on my old family home, opening drawers, and finding them full of
empty shopping bags. Then I climbed the stairs to find a dog had gotten a
hold of my leg. It seemed that my baggage from the past had all but gone, but
now that I'd left it behind something else had gotten hold of me. This thing,
I presumed, was the confusion I felt towards Dawn. I felt like we were more
like brother and sister than friends. Half of me took this as a sign that I
should take this further - half of me wanted to stay friends and wait and
see. These feelings were confused even more the very next night when I dreamt
that my mother crashed my trusty old car and wrecked it. I searched for it
throughout the night but I couldn't find it. Mum offered me a shiny new
vehicle - just the one I had set my heart on, but still I wanted my old car
back. Later I saw myself on a hill above a lake emptying my shoes of water.
All this symbology could mean two things; that my current drives would soon
be dashed and that the real girl of my dreams would appear soon. Or it could
mean that my life would be turned around by this girl - my independence would
vanish and I'd wish for my old life back. Either way, a change in attitude
was clearly on the cards; and a look over the tarot suggested both a
separation and a run of good luck. There were many paths ahead and I knew I'd
have to think about this before I built or burned any bridges. As Friday
approached, the moon became full and my root chakra began to tingle. I kissed
off the last day of work and filled out my holiday forms for the year. My
next holiday after this wouldn't be until May - so I'd better make the most
of this one...
Friday
(17th) dawned with a phone call - from Dawn. I agreed to meet her at her
place about 3 o'clock; after a kids party she had to go to. This would give
us plenty of time in the hotel to relax before everything started about
7:30pm. A updated and printed off my tarot keywords sheet so I could show
Dawn the basics. I also packed my guitar so she could show me the basics. My
dream book would come in handy, and my toothbrush completed my pack for the
weekend. Dawns house wasn't too far away - about 15mins by car - and we set
off in high spirits for our luxury residence. I'd never really had a chance
to talk to Dawn properly - our break-time chatters were fine but we never
really talked about anything in our home lives. I took my time, and we made
it with plenty of time left to relax and get a feel for the place. As we
talked over a cup of coffee, the woman I'd been so worried about in class on
Monday came over in a bright and cheerful mood. She had come to terms with
her life and all of a sudden had found the determination she needed to beat
the daemon inside. More of the group came together, and I took the
opportunity to show Dawn the basics of the tarot. She seemed interested and
asked questions. I gave her a sample prediction about somebody she was
thinking about - a long time friend who was thinking about moving away. I was
feeling quite down-to-earth about my feelings towards Dawn now, and all of
the mental and emotional question marks were put into a broader, more
friendship based perspective. But Dawn had problems of her own and explained
she was actually feeling inexplicably quite nervous. I wondered whether this
had anything to do with me...
After
dinner we set off into the grey 'tranquillity suit' for the first group
session. As usual, the first thing we did was to come up with ground rules
and things we wanted to get from the weekend. Then a mock swimming pool was
arranged in the middle of the room and we were asked to stand wherever we
felt we were. Some stood on the side and in the deep end - I stood with the
rest in the middle. The mood was growing as we returned to the bar area and
began the first-night party. I jointed a small group discussing philosophy
and society; something I could talk about quite easily. Dawn was also in this
group but was content to listen with interest rather than get involved with
the ramblings of madmen. Our party got bigger as others joined. The topics became
more broad and general, and my input dwindled until I went to bed around
2:30am.
(18th)
(Residential Day 2) I woke up several times as doors slammed and footsteps
echoed outside my door. I got up just after 9 and had a welcome shower to
take the sleep out of my brain. The rest of the gang came together in our
lecture room; mostly sleepy eyed and hung-over from what turned out to be a
manic night before. I was surprised some had gone to bed at all. More general
exercises followed and we were reintroduced to the finer aspects of
transitional analysis. Before lunch we were handed a huge questionnaire type
paper which probed our thoughts and feelings about our childhood. We would
then discuss a situation from this paper in triads that afternoon. The lunch
was filling and exotic as all the meals were in that hotel, and I joined Dawn
in a lounge room later for a quiet cigarette. She was busy on the phone; and
I discovered later that this was the friend she had been thinking about all
weekend. She got up and left me alone. More people came to join me but my
mind was elsewhere. Dawn had tuned her back to me a few times. She hardly
seemed to speak when we were together and rarely asked me about things in my
life. I wondered whether she had picked up my mixed feelings towards her. I
went into the main lounge to find her but she wasn't there. Donna was sat in
a chair to my side. Donna had always had a soft spot for me - but this
situation was going beyond all that. This was about my sister. This was about
someone I cared about for so many reasons. I sat with my heart spinning into
my stomach, my face twisting by some unknown force that eventually put me on
my feet and walked me up to Dawns room to get to the bottom of it. I
nervously knocked on the door and Dawn let me in. Sitting on the edge of the
bed, I asked if she was OK and whether she felt comfortable around me - I
didn't want anything to destroy our friendship now. Dawn explained about some
of the things she had been thinking about; some fears about the course; and
the feelings she was trying to place in her heart over the friend she feared
she was about to loose. I tried to comfort her as best as I could. She said
she just wanted to leave this hotel and dump the course for good. I bent my
mind trying to think of things to say to change her mind. Dawn talked and I
listened to every little word she said until we had worked some of it out.
Dawn began to relax and lit a cigarette. I began to breath a little easier.
She pulled out the questionnaire given before dinner and decided to go for
it. I rushed over to my own room to grab mine so we could work on them
together. 'Now I feel like we're getting somewhere', I said for a number of
simple reasons as I came back into the room. We sat quietly and certain tensions
seemed to drift away. In the end I only managed to answer 10 of the 30
questions - but those stupid questions were the very last thing I was worried
about. Dawn seemed to be slowly recovering some perspective. We took our time
and made our way back to the lecture room.
The
atmosphere was different in the lecture room now. I noticed the sun was
shining outside and the air felt fresh and clean. The usual suspects filtered
through the door and awaited their marching orders. I teamed up with Donna
and another happy-go-lucky student (Lisa) for a chat about problems past and
present. As we walked over to Lisa’s room, I saw Dawn happily emerging from a
room across the hall - she was ok. My worries had also vanished, and I was
set for some serious conversation. Our triad began with me as the client and
Lisa as the counsellor, and I started to talk about the single most disastrous
and harmfully influential person of my whole life. My mother. As well as
other factors, this woman had contributed to an almost fatal clinical
depression, had caused any number of mental and emotional traits - which I
was still trying to turn around. She had never even known how to show love,
family bonds, or friendship. Had never been 'there' for me, and had in effect
been the key cause of most of the upheaval in my life. Several years ago I
wouldn't have been able to talk about it with as much open-mindedness or
comfortable mental attitude. Her legacy had slowly eroded over years of trial
and tribulation, leaving me in a position half way between love and hate. I
did feel a slight friendship for her now - just enough to leave me in that
place of stability and comfort towards our relationship. Lisa was shocked to
hear about all this, but did an admirable job to bring the last threads of
strain from my heart, to let it pour onto the ground to be absolved. Donna
was nearly in tears. How could I be such a positive, grounded, open-minded,
non-judgemental, loving and rock steady soul with all that history? Well, how
could I have ever developed these things without it? I had a lot to be
grateful for...
We took a
break before dinner and I caught 40 winks in my room. The dinner included
some of the best fish I'd ever tasted, and even the presence of Linda in the
seat opposite did nothing to take away my pleasure of the evening. More games
followed, including ego inflating balloons and playing with animals. I chose
a white horse as my animal, and teamed up with a woman with a donkey. The
band disbanded for another day, and I went to sit in the lounge as they
initiated the second nights party - ending in similar consequences for many.
I had become friendly with four others over the time we had spent together;
and no less due to the party we had enjoyed before Christmas. I joined Donna,
Shaun, Jayanne and of course Dawn in Shaun’s room for an evening of wine and
conversation. I was in my element here amongst friends. I don't suppose I'd
ever had so many friends in the same room before. The atmosphere was
electric, and we talked individually and together for hours. I went over to
my room briefly to pick up the tarot deck and do another spread to ease Dawns
haunted mind. Dawn and I ended up talking together for the rest of the night
after that. The others went to bed around 4 but we carried on talking until
6. There was no sexual undercurrent in my mind anymore. Wherever this union
would end up was alright by me - so much like Arwen, I just wanted to see her
happy now - with or without me.
19th
(Residential Day 3) Four hours of sleep later, I dragged my carcase out of
the sack and poured a few layers of clothing over it. I was a little late,
but was surprised to find only five other people in the lecture room as I
came in. The others came in two by two until there was only one person
missing... As the first exercise began, I rushed off to find Dawn. Again I
hesitated to tap on the door. No answer. I knocked a little louder and called
out. A small voice drifted out of the room; 'I'm coming'. I returned to the
melee in the lecture room and we began a transitional analysis role playing
game. Before lunch we were given something else to chew over. A play. We got
into groups of six and were asked to come up with something that would
represent our time on the residential. Our gang (which just happened to
consist of my five friends and one other), went into a corner of the dining
room to bang our heads together. We quickly came up with the story of Noah’s
Ark and I began to hammer out a rough story to introduce a three act story.
The thirty minutes we gave ourselves went in seconds, and I hoped the others
would ad-lib as much as they could. The play went quite well, and we all
enjoyed ourselves. The weekend was shaping up to be quite an experience. The
swimming pool came out again; I stuck my body in the middle - the rest seemed
to find themselves in the deep end. The final part of the weekend was a take
on the theme of 'strokes'. Groups of four sat in circles and gave each other
honest comments and praise. Everybody seemed to be close to tears after so
much genuine positivity, and I felt a warm feeling inside. The perfect end to
the day. And then we broke up and the residential was officially over. Again,
I didn't rush to get home. As we set off, I casually said to Dawn 'We'll be
back for 5'. Dawn shared a few of her amazing stories as we drove and I chose
a different route home. I arrived at her place almost dead on 5 o' clock.
Quite mysterious how my intuition had been right on the money all weekend -
not least on Saturday afternoon. Dawn said how grateful she was that I'd come
into her room at just the right time. Any later and she could have
disappeared through the door. I was glad I had the opportunity to help. It
seemed the cards were right after all - they predicted lots of small positive
coincidences would bring our friendship together. Thank the gods for that.
I enjoyed a
full 15 hours sleep that night, and got up around 2 in the afternoon. Most of
my free time seemed to be spent typing in my journal for the weekend, and I
only broke off to rejoin the group at 6pm. I felt quite strange around these
people now that we'd truly broken the ice around each other. The clinical
atmosphere of the class had weakened and made way for a mysterious deeper
attitude to each other. Everybody seemed to be able to talk more freely now,
and even the quiet ones took their turn to make points to the group. The
evening past with lightning speed. Within minutes were seemed to be on a
break and then back in the classroom again. The lecturers introduced the
subject of the course presentation - something I'd already spoken to a few
people about. So when the time came to discuss it, I got together with three
others (and Donna joined us to make five) to take about something I knew about
all too well - depression. In mere minutes the time was up and we departed
for home. I had been invited to Jayannes place for a private party - I
declined to recover some sleep, but invited everybody back to mine the next
week for a fun night in.
By now January
was on it's way out, and the damp cold weather was taking its toll on my
psyche. My dreams still showed cars of all kinds - stolen cars and small toy
cars to replace them (not a good sign!) and trying to plant trees. One night
my tree broke in two and a worm wrapped itself around it. Several nights
later, I tried again to plant a tree next to another one and this time it
seemed to work. All these things, I concluded, revolved around my ambitions
for a healthy love life - and generally showed present upheaval but future
success along that road. I decided to stay with the present and keep rolling
the dice. Money was a key issue during the last part of this month. I seemed
to be spending money on lots of small things - which added together to make
rather large holes in my pockets. The budget chart came out to make sure I
could afford a crystal workshop on the 2nd of February. I could - just! But
what had happened to all my spare cash? Over £200 was spent concluding a car
repair bill, and then more expenses followed with a new tyre and tenners for
all sorts of niggly things. The final bank balance was -£102. My overdraft of
£100 would be stretched to it's limit; but surely I had planned for this so
that this situation wouldn't happen... I checked my wallet and found £60 I
hadn't even seen before! I took the same wallet on the residential weekend
only to find it empty - I had to drive into Skipton and draw another £20 to
tide me over. So that meant I should have had maybe a tenner left - not £60!!
I pondered this miracle for some time but concluded that life works in these
strange ways. Was it a gift from god? I only knew that my bacon was saved
from frying - and I was truly grateful.
I was also
grateful for the gap I was enjoying in-between busy and mysterious periods. I
was comfortable in my job, in my house, with my situation and with myself. I
relaxed and generally had a fun week. That was until Friday (24th) when I was
rudely awakened during the last 10 minutes of work time. One if the girls I
worked with - whom I regarded as a friend - decided to call me 'idle' because
I was unwilling to start a new job with only 10 minutes to go. Now, I knew I
didn't exactly pull my guts out for that place, and nor did I mess about, but
I certainly wasn't idle. Suddenly, my light mood sank, and continued to sink
very fast the next day. I hardly spoke to the girl; who walked past me
several times; but I couldn't help feeling pissed off. Finally, as work was
about to end for another week, my mood began to lift and I went on my way in
better spirits. But all this did come as quite a shock. I had been able to
withstand all sorts or criticism, compliments and complaints without them
affecting my mind like that one did. On the same day, I also heard a woman
commenting that my hair was a mess - which did nothing to encourage my
attitude. I went home to reflect and eventually decided that I was happy with
both my hair and my work standards - so what the hell. But I did realise I
still had a weakness for opinions in sharp contrast to my own, and that they
could cut very deep. I'd have to think about this one and try to come up with
a way to cope with it. After all, I didn't have to take the views of other to
heart did I? I chose to take them personally - so in effect I could choose not
to take them personally if I really wanted to...
The usual
Sunday lazy routine was broken by the Spiritualist church - where I still
hadn't had any messages since the 28th of October 2001! I had been thinking
about visiting another psychic, but every time I did this it seemed that some
little piece of information was given to me anyway by the people I happened
to bump into. My mind was all over the place for some reason. I wondered what
I should do with my career/educational life and with my love life. Bob,
almost a resident of the church, was all too happy to cast a few pieces of
philosophy my way to uplift the situation. "People will give you
inspiration all the time, sometimes just something will slip out that you
pick up on which will change your mind. Go with what your heart tells you to
do. Ask for inspiration, and one day it will dawn on you. You'll wake up and
say 'of course!'. There are times when you doubt yourself and do too much
thinking trying to imaging where you want to be. Don't think about it. Let
the answers come to you." I laughed as he said 'one day it will Dawn on
you'. Somehow I still hadn't given up on Dawn, even though I thought there
were too many coincidences pulling us apart rather than bringing us together.
After church I went to visit Michael for dinner. We talked mostly about
philosophy and women, but it did give me the chance to relax and give myself
a break for a while. He brought out two advanced crystal books which he said
I could borrow. Again - just at the right time! I was looking forward to an
advanced crystal workshop I'd booked on the 2nd of Feb in Lytham/Blackpool,
and these books would give me some idea of what was to happen. If I'd've had
them earlier or later, I probably wouldn't have used them in the same way. Before
Michael left for home, he plugged a video into the machine and played a
documentary on smoking cannabis. Although the doc was quite one-sided, it did
highlight the dangers of smoking too much strong dope. I was glad I'd found a
source of the 'light' stuff, which helped me think and come up with so many
good ideas.
Another day
(27th), another counselling session. I headed over to the college in plenty
of time and bumped into Dawn on the way in. We stopped to have a cigarette
and were joined by a few of the other classmates before the work started. The
subject today was largely based on rules, and we were given a questionnaire
which asked which rules we thought we knew about the course. The class were
also asked to say which class members they thought used rules in different
ways. 'Put a hand on the shoulder of a person who you think you agree most
with'. Dawn was standing next to me so we put our hands on each others
shoulders. Coming back together the usual conversation leaders waded in and
skirted the issue very well. I thought about how I used rules - or more to
the point, how I saw them as guidelines to consider rather than to adhere to
the letter. I didn't see myself as a rebel; more like a person with his own
mind and morals. Yet again I was glad to be an individual. After break I
found myself in a triad discussing the word 'idle' which was still going
around in my head from last Friday. I didn't feel any better having voiced my
thoughts on that episode, yet I didn't think about it again after that so
maybe some magic had worked after all. The group was beginning to be so open
as to be able to talk about anything to each other. At one point I had to
chuckle to myself as several people spoke about me in good terms as a member
of the room. I felt welcomed and warm in the presence of such good people.
Any judgements I had about them in the beginning had melted - except for some
understandable reservations about Linda - and even the broad-tongued James
now seemed to be shaping into a good counsellor. I tentatively asked Donna
and Dawn whether they still wanted to come over to my place after the
session. They said they did and I relaxed into my confident and hospitable
self.
The night
was fresh and the mood was high as I invited Dawn, Donna and Shaun into my humble
abode. Everybody seemed relaxed and up for an enjoyable night of
conversation. I supplied the drinks while the two girls kept the fags flowing
all night. I was enjoying the company of my new friends - I'd never really
had so many friends in the house together before. After a few drinks, Shaun
began to blag everyone’s head with his own version of the religious 'truth',
which I managed to successfully ignore without too much effort. I tried to
input my own slant on things by reading a few of my songs and poetry -
including The Guru, but which failed to hold Shaun back from his ramblings
until he had eventually irritated himself to death with it all. I actually
didn't mind too much and didn't let it spoil my night one little bit. I
thanked them all as they departed and hugged everybody in turn. Dawn was the
last to leave. My feelings for her had mellowed to the point of mutual
understanding, and I didn't think twice when she said 'ring me' as she left.
January was
in its final week, and I felt like I'd missed the join between this year and
2002. All the same, things were still happening to shake up my world. I
returned to work to find an apology from the girl who’d caused me so much
pain the week before, but by this time I'd already completely forgiven her.
The boss was away for two weeks, so the atmosphere at work was light and
rather tranquil for a change. I took one of my newly borrowed crystal books
into work to mug up on the subject before Sundays workshop, and this helped
re-spark my interest in learning again. I called Dawn after work on the 30th
for a general chat. She mentioned she'd visited my web site and taken a look
around, and this had the effect of re-sparking my interest in developing the
site again! As usual - and to add to the coincidences pulling us apart - her
mobile phone started ringing half way through our conversation. She said she
had to go anyway and said goodbye. Never mind.
February
February
was a month of further guidance and decisions which would shape my new year.
It was a month which would hold new changes and new beginnings, heralded with
a 27th birthday banner and a few close friends. The 1st of feb found me again
knocking on the front door of the Glory Hole trying to get into my second
private party there. Bev was less drunk than the last time but no less glad
to see me, and the motley crew were all in force to smoke and drink away the
night. I sat down and listened to the conversation flowing for over an hour
before I felt like joining in. Saturday was always a hard day at work, and I
felt drained to say the least. The conversation turned to all kinds of
spiritual matters and quite low-level philosophy which I for one wasn't going
to intrude into. I found I was in a position of understanding, kind of like
seeing the umberella over the problem, with it's many spokes and
interconnectedness. I always enjoyed these parties as a place where
like-minded people could get together and have a good time, and wondered
whether I should come up with a party for my birthday.
The next day
(2nd) I was up early for my crystal workshop in Blackpool and made it just in
time. Again, the people there were all characters in their own right. It
seemed like the people who stood out from society seemed also to stand out
from the crowd in different ways. Some came to this place from quite deep
spiritual backgrounds, and some didn't know why they were given the various
gifts that they enjoyed. Most seemed to come from a background of depression,
and I had to admit that this seemed to be the idea place to start ones
spiritual journeying. The workshop got underway and the host introduced the
many faculties of the Quartz Crystal point. The potential of these crystals
reached beyond even my wildest thoughts and they seemed to be helpful in all
kinds of situations. We were led into a meditation to try to realise this
power. I asked for help with the problem I always seemed to have - where
could I find my fire, my vitality, my lust for life? As I meditated a few
answers came to light with a clear voice I hadn't heard before. It spoke of
love and how I should drop my inner defences so that I could realise love and
give it out freely. I realised that I did feel the spark of life when I was
enjoying something so much that I loved it - not just being in love with somebody,
but loving and enjoying the people and the situations I found myself in. With
great enthusiasm came love and playfulness, spontenaity and humour. So to
help release the power of life, I first had to learn to let go. In the second
half of the workshop, we were lead into another meditation to see if we
couldn't pin down the solutions to our problems even more. 'When using
crystals [and other forms of energy work], the intention is the driving force
which will do the magic. The purer the intention, the better the results.
This is why you must ask a very clear and precise question to the crystal.
Try not to think about the problem, but instead imagine, and ask for, the
solution. Always work with the solution in mind.' I asked for help to release
my love and was eventually shown a river with a huge dam over it. The sun
came out and melted the dam like it was made out of chocolate. The water
flowed and flooded the valley. But as I looked around, there were many dams -
all decreasing in size - all the way up the river. This was going to take
some time, but in the meantime I was placed half way up a mountain. Below I
could see where I had come from deep in the valley, and above me I could see
a town. The path was a huge line of steps running all the way up to the town.
This was my path and I was walking along it step-by-step. I thanked my guides
and asked them to guide me along this path so that I would reach my goal. A
wonderful experience. As I left the house and said goodbye to my instant new
friends, I decided to walk along the beach and take in some sea air. Piceans
love the sea and I loved to smell it - even if I only managed to get there a
few times a year. The tide was way out and I had a long walk to get there.
The wind blew my head around and the sand swept around my feet. I saw this as
a real life representation of my life challenge - and I made it! As I watched
the seabirds playing on the shoreline, I saw how light and bright life really
is.
That Sunday
played me in good stead for the rest of the week, and I felt clear and quite
cheerful. I called Dawn half way through Monday (3rd) to chat and talk about
life. There was something still hinding in my heart for her. With Valentines
Day coming up I decided to send her a card, and bought one which I thought
would give away who sent it. The card was signed with two kisses and a
question mark on the front. What game was I playing? My dreams incessently
showed me that I could be simply playing on my own. Snow stopped play as I
came out of the door to find the whole land covered with a three inch
offering. I finally made it to the college to find only five other people had
managed to overcome the terrain. The session went on regardless and we came
together in a group to talk about anything we needed to talk about. Two
people sat in the middle while the rest sat in a circle around the outside to
listen. I didn't feel the need to either talk about anything or improve my
listening skills tonight and comfortably interjected with my own thoughts
only on occasion. I was glad to have come into college as there was still a
lot to learn and talk about. We only got through two complete discussions
before the end but I had enjoyed it. Dawn phoned me back when I got back home
and appoligised for not being in class. She was quite drunk from a few
glasses of wine so the mood was light and comical. She invited me up to
Donnas house where she was hanging out, but I declinded as the snow was
making driving up those steep hills very dangerous. I promised to see both of
them the next week when the party would continue at Donnas' place.
This first
week of February was also a reintroduction to the past in more ways than one.
All week I bumped into at least 5 people who were on the counselling level 1
course I enjoyed last year - and all came into Asda to do a spot of shopping.
I enjoyed catching up with the old gang and seeing how everybody was getting
on. Some were doing courses relatied to counselling but most were doing
anything but.. including child-minding and gardening! This week also saw the
reappearance of Eddie - making the sixth and final addition to the
counselling brigade. He seemed quite angry that I hadn't been in-touch with
him about the offer/ultimatum he delivered last December, so I made amense by
going up to see him straight after work. I knew I wasn't very interested in
learning more about magic - in fact I hardly practiced it anymore - but I
would rather have it than not. I made use of a metal cho-ku-ray protection
symbol Bev gave me during our last party by fixing it to the already full
crystal pouch I had hanging from around my neck. This I hoped would save me
emotionally from another of Eddies driving monologues. I also asked my guides
and spirits to come around and protect me before I entered the house. I wasn't
affraid of this guy - he was arrogant and bombastic but not frightening
unless crossed - but I made sure anyway. The meeting went well and he was in
a good mood, but I'd still take the same precausions everytime we would meet
after that.
By the end
of the week my energies were on the decline again, and the waxing mood was
making me irritable. By Sunday (9th) I was ready for a rest, but that wasn't
to be. Heading off to the Spiritualist church once more I was again hopeful
that I'd get a message. I'd already put out my wish by talking to a number of
people about my long-time without, and soon my wish would come true. I came
in late (as was my trademark) and sat down. The guest medium was Paula
Cassidy, and I always enjoyed her evenings for their energetic and useful
messages, but I simply wasn't prepaired when she turned around and asked to
speak to me! I turned around as if to reassure myself that she wasn't
actually talking to a young man just behind my head. No this was my turn, and
she began be relating a few symbols which I'd seen in a very vivid dream.
Paula told me she could see a train leaving the tracks and riding though the
air. I said I knew what this image was trying to show me. She then went on
the explain how I would be building the energy in my livingroom - so much so
that she could see the whole room in a deep red colour. I would collect
things for my alter and buy things I wouldn't normally buy. However, Paula
also said that a Sandlewood necklace or a chain from India would be coming my
way before this Summer. I couldn't imagine how this would be - but if it did
materialise, this would be good evidence of mediumship. I vowed not to
influence the appearance of this object into my life as I may be using my own
magnetism to attract it towards me. Paula then described the spirit as a slim
woman with a particular hair-style. I was quite sure this was my nan - and
that I would be getting quite a few messages from her as she was the most
recent relative to pass over. My grandad had come through with messages
before, but not very many - this was only my fourth message in a year and a
half. Before Paula left me, she said she could see a black telephone with a
wire which linked directly to the spirit world. I knew I was able to speak
with spirit - maybe this would give me more confidence to do so. I thanked
her and went to speak to her as she sat for a cigarette after the service.
Something else then came up. She said I would be going on a retreat sometime
which would change my life. I had thought about this on my own sometime last
year, but the enthusism wained through lack of money. I was still in the same
boat but I was still open to this if it came around. Again I spoke to her
about having a private reading done. This was a wish I'd been thinking about since
last year but never got because of (yet again) lack of money. The thing about
wishes is that they don't cost anything, and as I was freindly with this
woman she said she would do this freely using a recent photograph. That was
two wishes coming true on one night! I was up late again that night as I had
been all week. My video collection was in need of a major sort-out, so I
decided to compile the best stuff onto a series of related videos. The first
two to emerge was one on lifeschool subjects, and the other was all about
drugs. This would hopefully give me some spare blanks at the end of the day
for more tapeing.
Mondays
(10th) counselling class was thankfully much fuller of people than the last
session. We were again asked to go into the groups we'd arranged for a
presentation. Two members of our depression squad were sadly missing - but
the reason behind this would appear very soon to remind me that everything
does happen for a reason! The remaining team talked about what we wanted to
do and decided to make the whole lot a lot more simplified. Instead of
talking about East Vs West treatments, we could simply introduce the rather
harsh topic of depression itself with out own views of how it was for us. If
the others in the class were bend on being counsellors, I was sure this
information would open their eyes to the real world of pain that may have to
deal with. After our meeting, the tutor said she would try to contact the
others and make sure we were all able to get together before the presentation
the very next Monday. After break we were asked a very difficult question; or
rather a very difficult emotional and moral question. We were asked to think
of a secret we have kept deep inside us to this day. This secret had to be
something deep we would not generally talk about. With this in mind - and
without saying what the secret was - who would we be prepaired to tell it to
in the room? I decided to only let three of the seventeen people in the room
in on my deepest darkest secret - one of those was Shaun, one was Sandra
(also in my Depression group) and the third (and first on the list) was Dawn.
Afterwards we were asked to mingle and say just why we would, or wouldn't,
tell this secret to these people. Dawn was very interested in my secret, and
I said that I may tell her later that night at the party we'd arranged at
Donna's house. I just knew I'd have to tell her sometime... Meanwhile, to end
the group session, a small round was begun to find out which people amoung us
were planning to take our counselling skills onto the level three course.
Perhaps half of us seemed interested in doing so, and about half; including
myself; thought otherwise. Becides, I had time on my side to think about
these things. Maybe in another twenty or thirty years I'd think differently.
After the
class broke up for another day, I joined Donna and Dawn as they made ready
for a night in. Resupplied with alcohol and cigarettes, we headed up to
Donnas lofty hillside house. The mood was easy and I was glad to be alone
with these girls without the energies of Jayanne and Shaun to play with the
party atmosphere. We ordered a take-away and broke out the booze, but the
tranquility was about to be shattered as Jayanne and Shaun came throught the
door. Shaun proptly fell asleep, leaving the rest of us to chat about all
things. I didn't feel much like joining in at this point. I was in a quiet
kind of mood, but I was still enjoying myself with these people, and found a
lot in the conversation to think deeply about. But there was a wierd energy
in the room, and this didn't shift until Jayanne and Shaun left - leaving the
original crew to put plan number one back into action. A brief wander over to
Dawns house to pick up some music; where I found our musical tastes were
similar in many ways; made way for the real conversation to begin. Dawn was
interested to know what the dark secret was that I'd hinted at in class. I
didn't mind telling her, but the world hardened on my tongue as I tried to
spit them out, and I found this wasn't so easy after all. I'd never actually
told anybody about this secret before - even my mother didn't know - which
gave the whole experince an edge of the unknown. Finally I parted my lips and
let it go. 'I'm... still a virgin...' I said quiety. This news didn't bother
me anymore, but how would the others react? I began to explain my romantic
reasons and how I wanted the first time to be special and beautiful - if this
ment waiting until I was in love with somebody special then so be it. I would
rather wait to send this gift from the bottom of my heart rather than give it
away to a stranger on a promise. I wasn't like that. The girls seemed to
understand. I think this broke a little more of the ice between us, and
giving us all that bit more confidence to talk about personal things. Dawn
was touched - and it give her the reassurance to tell me the secret she had
been thinking of in class. She said she was comfortable with it, but still
she had the same problems actually saying the words out loud. Afterwards, I
asked her how she felt - hoping to understand what she was going though - but
she began to think I was counselling her and this was not my intention at
all. I changed the subject and began to dig deep into my own psyche to wonder
why I was a virgin after all. There were deep reasons why some things had
turned out the way they had. I told the girls of my experiences with my first
girlfriend and the treatment I went though when I couldn't see the difference
between fridgidity and impotence. This had surely suppressed my sexual
desires for a long time. These days, all that was left way behind. I knew I
was a complete man and with a lot to offer, and this was why I wasn't rushing
into a sexual relationship. I think one more card was layed on the table from
each of us that night.
Yet another
late night left me rough the next morning (11th), and I was awoken yet again
by the telephone. Martin; a member of the depression posse at college, called
me to ask if we could get together to talk about the presentation before next
Monday. I agreed to go over to his house after work that night. Work ended
and I knocked on the door. Martin let me in and I knew that was a privilage
in itself. From the state of his living space, I could see that he was quite
a solitary man - and he admitted he didn't like to invite too many friends
around. Music of every shape and size filled great cabinets along the walls,
and books and videos were squeezed into the available gaps at either side. I
sat down and the light conversation soon turned into a more philosophical
debate. The atmosphere wasn't like anything I'd known before. We talked about
so many things that the average person would soon find themselves in conflict
with the differences in opinion - but we were different. We seemed to be
completely open to each other point-of-view, and in these kinds of debates
this was the most prised and essential ingredient. We could see each others
views from a higher perspective and there was never a hint of 'right' or
'wrong' as who can really say who is right or wrong about anything? My mind
was drained to the bone by a long days work and a long nights banter, but we
still kept the rhythm flowing until nearly 6 in the morning. I think I'd made
yet another friend - when would I have time to get around and see all these
people?
My body and
mind were separate for the most part of the week. My legs felt like like lead
from all the running around at work (thanks to my new job description) and I
was filled with thoughts far and away from what I was supposed to be doing. I
debated whether I should send the Valentines card to Dawn at all. If she was
involved with other people, or if she wasn't interested, this could seriously
jepardise the friendship we had built. I didn't want to change that. In then
end I sent it anyway. At 2:15am on the 14th, I could be seen sneaking around
to Dawn front door and posting a red envolope slowly though her door. I hid
around the corner for a minute or two in case she came to the door, and then
jumped back into the car for home. And then I waited. I knew that if she was
at all interested in finding out who the card had come from then she'd ring.
Friday and Saturday came and went with no word. I left a message on Dawn
machine on Saturday night but still no word came. I began to realise I'd been
fooling myself. I'd been looking too far into possibilities and being blinded
by her beauty and love. What a fool. At least now the bubble was finally
being burst. How could I even think of giving up my existing life to run off
with this girl and her daughter? Was this madness or just love?
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 15th February
2003: "Once a decade, every decade, you experience a burning desire to
change everything and rewrite the rule-book of your life. I am not suggesting
that this is the only time you have such an urge. You go through something
like this once an hour, every hour of every day. But once a decade you find
yourself not just thinking about what you might like to change, but actually
changing it. Between now and the end of 2003, you will have undergone such a
process. Events this week will take you a big step closer to just such a
momentous development. But even if you think that they are about to prove
irrevocably decisive, you will find that you still have the option of one more
rethink. And that will yet prove just as well." (c) Cainer.com
Over the
next week or so, things started to move at maximum speed. People to see,
things to endlessly think about, places to get to - and hardly any time to
take a breath. The next plan to swing into action was a birthday
get-together. I'd thought about a party this year for the first time in my
whole life. Now I actually had friends I really wanted to invite to a party,
and I knew just what type of party I wanted. Micheal had suggested a kind of
gathering of like-minded people to share their particular talents. Mikes was
philosophy and astrology, and I asked him to come during an inpromtue meeting
on Sunday when both Elwin and Martin was mysteriously not at home. Just as
well really, as by co-incidence Mike was going to be away over the coming
week and needed this time to plan ahead. He promised to come to the party on
Sunday the 2nd, and would even plan his holiday around it for me. I was
touched. The next day (17th) I went into Bev's shop to make sure she could
come as well. We talked for a long time about all kinds of things - as usual,
and this almost made me later for my counselling group that evening - but she
agreed to come to the party and I said I'd ring her nearer the time to make sure.
That day
also saw me on stage again in the form of the long-anticipated counselling
presentation. Our topic of Depression had been cut down to the bare bones and
the whole project had become much bigger and better as a result. I took in a
picture and a poem from my moody days, and a few others did the same. I
really wanted this to be an introduction to the whole sorry mess of
depressive mental trauma from more of a personal - and artistic -
point-of-view, with the facts and figures to back the whole thing up. The
scene was set; our group was the second performance, which gave me time to
sit in quiet thought and plan some details of my ad-lib part. I was to
introduce the whole thing, and was much happier talking from the heart rather
from a contrived peice of text. Dawn appeared beside a therapy bed ready for
the first groups presentation - on reflexology. The planning was over and the
session began. Dawn looked nervous, and clearly didn't have much of a clue
about reflexology, but kept the mood going with a spirited effort. Linda was
the patient being worked on, and even though she hardly said two words to add
to the presentation, I had to be glad that she was the one getting healing
help - she needed it. The reflexology team concluded their talk with an interesting
questions session, and by this time I'd got some kind of format straight in
my head as to what I should talk about. The nerves crept in, so I took the
opportunity to try different methods to releive them. By far the best method
was to turn on my reiki. This opened up the blocked solar-plexus chakra and
let out all the tension of the evening. As a result I was actaully quiet calm
and clear headed as I stood at the head of the room to begin our
presentation. I'm sure the reiki symbol I wore around my neck also helped
because I mananged to stay calm all the way though my part and wasn't at all
phased when a messenger came in with a message for Linda half way through. I
ready out my poem - which put a lump in my throat as it always did - and
introduced the next speaker in our group. My calmness also seemed to rub off
onto the team as they seemed to breeze through their material quiet easily.
At the end, a few people asked really good questions which made us answer as
a team and wrapped up a good presentation. I'd enjoyed it, and hoped people
would begin to understand the horrors of the real world. After break, two
further groups stepped into the limelight to mostly deliver interesting and
well thought-out speeches. Shaun was the exception. Of everybody in the
group, he managed to confuse me completely with a half-cocked attempt to
relate anger management to transitional analysis. But on the whole things
were all neatly wrapped in a bundle ready for the half term break next week.
After the session, I asked Dawn and Jayanne if they still wanted to party.
Unfortunately both girls weren't in a party mood and cried out of it. I'd
been looking forward to seeing Dawn in her own home, and this seemed to
hammer another nail into my balloon of hope. I felt flat when I got home, and
took it out on a few dinosaurs on the playstation...
Dawn was
one of my prime candidates for my birthday party, and I wrote her an e-mail
explaining just why she was more that welcome. She had a lot to offer the
night, although she couldn't see it herself. I bumped into Jayanne that week
at Asda - by a major co-incidence - and made sure was ok. She had seemed very
down at Mondays counselling class, and I thought there may be something I
could help with. She seemed fine now, and asked whether I wanted to a party
she hoped to arrange for next Monday instead to the counselling group. I
agreed but that plan never got off the ground. The week rolled on at speed,
and soon it was Friday - payday!. This day was special in that a bonus had
been arranged for all Asda collegues this month. I hoped to come away with at
least £650 instead of the usual £500 this month. I got my wage slip as soon
as I walked through the door - £649.85 - you couldn't get closer than that!
The money would sort out my depts, and according to my budget sheet, this
would be the last time I'd be in the red for the rest of this year (at
least), and this cheered my up no end. Another saving grace was that
Glastonbury was on again after some confusion, and that ment I'd be there again
this year! But I had no time to relax in the meantime.
On Sunday
(23rd) I was rudely awakened by the telephone. It was Simon asked whether he
could come over and tape some of last years glastonbury footage I had on
video. I said 'yes' and turned over. Some time later I was woken up again by
Martin ringing to ask if he could come over that evening. I said 'sure' and
turned over again. I got up just before Simon arrived with a video recorder
and Mini-disc recorder ready to make a start. We set up the gear and I
enjoyed a relaxing afternoon with him as we grabbed all the good songs from
the video highlights, with a view to putting them on CD later. After a while,
Simon began to relax and we talked together about all sorts. He said he was
enjoying his new home away from his parents and he looked and acted so much
better for it. We were friends again, and it felt like we'd stepped back in
time to the good old days when we were school buddies together. We call'd out
to order a chinese meal around 6:30 and drove down to pick it up. The music
we had taped was playing on the car minidisc player and the atmosphere was
high. I used to dread seeing Simon, and we had grown appart so much that I
had considered calling it a day between us. This day forged our friendship
for a long time to come. After 8, Martin showed up and I introduced him to
Simon. I could see Simon was on-edge again around this new face and made his
way to the door a short time later. Martin on the other hand was quite at
home in my house, and we talked for hours about the planet and philosophy. I
asked him whether he could come to the party on the night of the 2nd. He said
yes - but I knew I'd have to ring him nearer the day in-case he'd forgotten.
By now I was really enjoying arranging this party. Three out of the five
people were definitely coming. Dawn wasn't sure - but e-mailed me back to say
she would come if she could get a babysitter. The fifth and final pal to
invite was the one I'd only seen twice in my life - one of Beverlys friends
called Elaine. I called Elaine to ask if she wanted to come - and complete my
party wish-list, and she said she could. I wanted to see her before that to
get to know her a bit more, so we arranged to meet that Tuesday evening.
Sorted!
I got up
late again the next day (24th) to go over to my mothers. We always got
together for Christmas and Birthdays to exchange ritual greetings, but we
still weren't getting on - even as freinds. Mum was now out of work. She'd
packed up her care-work job at the local care home for the elderly and was
now at home. Rather than save the six thousand pounds my Nan had left her in
the will - helping her until she found another job - she had decided to spend
five thousand of it on a new kitchen suit, leaving her without a safety net.
I couldn't hide the fact that I thought this was a bad idea, but it had been
paid for now and the kitchen was almost finished. I again turned on the reiki
in an attempt to lift my spirits and get on with this woman, but my heart
wasn't in it and I was left to listen to her stories without much interest.
She gave me 20 quid for my birthday - which I immediately spent on petrol and
blank CDs so I could copy some of Martins vast collection - a model car
(because I'd asked for a new car - jokingly), and a card. I left around 6:30
thinking that Jayannes party would be around the corner, but no arrangments
had been made - leaving me free to enjoy a night of music thanks to Martin
and his Beatles Anthology video tapes.
My
awareness levels seemed to raise slowly over the coming week as my birthday
came and passed into ancient history. For some reason, I was having trouble
placing myself in this new place of physical age. 26 had always seemed like
the last flush of 20's youth that I could never seem to appreciate. 27 seemed
like a turning point; the dawn of the more mature 30's. Was this my last
chance to grasp the energy of my 20's before they too faded into memory? I
had been feeling much younger recently, as if to catch up with myself (or
slow down to it) - maybe I'd learn to feel younger as I got older? My
birthday morning (27th) was suspiciously like any other working morning. I
got up at the last minute and opened the two birthday cards I'd been given -
one by my mother and the other by Leasa at work. I was in good spirits -
which was handy considering the workload I had to wade though at Asda. By
6pm, everybody was either going home, on holiday or ill - leaving me to run
the whole show on my own. I didn't mind since the evening was fairly quiet -
except for, around 8 o' clock, an announcment came over the tanoy to wish me
a happy 27th birthday. I went a bit red, but I was expecting as much so it
didn't come as too much of a shock. Birthdays to me were a bit like New Years
- they took a time to sink in. The next day I began to read with renewed
interest a book on crystals lent to me weeks before by Micheal. My energies
were on the rise ready for the spring and I looked forward to a very
interesting year. To signify this healthy return to spiritual conciousness, I
shown that I was again back in the right place at the right time. I was asked
to help a customer at work get a refund on four bottles of whiskey. After a
long palava I helped the customer service manager sort the problem out. The
next night, I overhead two managers talking about this same woman and
quierying the refund on the till receipt. I turned around and explained the
whole story to them both and again sorted out the problem. One of the
managers turned to me and said 'You know, you're always in the right place at
the right time Dan.' 'Tell me about it!!' I said, knowing that this chance
remark was actually a confirmation from spirit.
But
sometimes my mood over that last week of February was affected by something.
Some days I'd be in a bad mood all day - with only the constant stream of
beautiful shopping girls to cheer me up. I wasn't happy at work anymore. I
was quick to put it down at every opportunity and was restless in the face of
my freinds. Something was changing....
I'd been
seeing the world more like a reflection of myself gradually over a long time.
I was beginning to notice that my dreams were based on the whims projecting
from my own mind, and that if I wanted to, I could change any part of a dream
very easily if I wanted to. I just had to acheive a slight improvement in my
awareness and I could begin control my dreams again. In all, February was a
very promising, if changable, beginning to this new year.
March
Saturday
came and went, with a nice twist at the end. After midnight I channeled some
interesting new material from my inspirers all about the game of life. The
fun of life is in playing the game - rather than winning the game, which most
people seem to have their hearts bent upon. I was having fun playing the game
and roling the dice with every turn. I was even having fun making my own fate
by seeing how to play the game. This wasn't manipulation of people and thing
for my own ends, it was more like making my own breaks and steering my own
life in the direction I wanted with the help of other people. The message
went on to say that life can become much easier when you see other people as
team-mates all playing the same game - rather than competetors you must
strive to overcome. Very interesting. Sunday (2nd) promised a good day of fun
and relaxation. I telephoned everybody on the party list to make sure thay
were coming. Beverly had left me a message last week to say she couldn't make
it due to child-minding. I called Dawn mid-afternoon and she said she
couldn't get a babysitter either. While I was on the phone, I took the
opportunity to tell Dawn what I thought of her and how I wanted to keep the
friendship going after the college cource finished in a few weeks time. I
still loved her, but I realised I loved her as a person; as an attractive, flambouyant,
charismatic and gracious girl who I had the pleasure of being freinds with. I
wasn't 'in love' with her - and however much my heart threatened to take me
down that road, my mind and soul told me otherwise. I settled the score on
the telephone and told her I'd sent the valantines card out of this affection
I had towards her. This was a situation I'd never been in before. I'd never
really loved anybody of the opposite sex without falling in love before. Dawn
was another of the guides and inspirers I had around me at this time. She was
my emotional inspiration - and I was learning a lot from her all the time. I
was disappointed she couldn't come, but that was just the dance of life. Next
I called my (soon-to-be) spiritual inspiration. Elaine picked up the phone
and said she'd forgotten all about my party. She was busy. Ho hum, never
mind. I felt down for about a minute until I managed to tell myself that this
was all ment to me. The two people who were coming would make a very
interesting and night on their own, and we'd probably talk about things we'd
never have talked about otherwise. I called the guys to make sure and they
were both up for the experience. Great stuff.
But before
the party got underway, there was small matter to attending the spiritualist
church to see my favourite medium - Micheal Reccia. As soon as I walked
though the door I was surrounded by a feeling of peace and comfort which
lasted all night after that. The energies were high as he began his
philosophy - all about the world being a mirror to yourself - and my mind
became crystal clear and focused in the present with any effort. I played a
few games - taking the time to see and sence Micheals and other peoples auras
as they sat around me. The messages were accurate to the n'th degree and I
was inspired by his words. He also asked the crowd to think about thinking
'light' thoughts whenever they saw something negative as this would help the
situation resolve. Earlier that day, I'd watched a group of lads from my
bedroom window smashing a football against the windows of an abandoned house
further down my street. My feelings for them were negative, and according to
Micheal, my negative thoughts of anger were mixing with theirs and just
adding negative energy to the world. The situation was so bad that morning
that I picked up the phone book intending to phone the police, but just as
the number of the police station ment my eyes, the lads stopped what they
were doing and went over to the other side of the road. What was this trying
to tell me? All I could do now could be to wish these people peace and hope
my good thoughts would save this anger/restlessness from happening in the
future.
I left the
spiritualist church on a high and blasted the rock n' roll from my car radio on
the way home (thanks to a tape I'd put together earlier that day designed to
cheer me up and blow away the negative thoughts with hard rock music). I just
had time to make a simple pancake and stir-fry meal before Micheal knocked on
the door. We chatted about his recent trips around the country and was just
about to plung into a deep conversation about mirrors when Martin turned up.
Within minutes they had begin to talk about the many things they had in
common: living in holland, traveling around britain, even their past drug
habits. I was really enjoying listening to these people, but it felt strange
to have both of my philosophical inspirers in the same room at the same time.
I hoped we would be able to hammer out some seriously deep subjects while we
were all in the same room, and sometime later the topics slowly got deeper. I
was glad in a way that the other three attendees hadn't been able to come as
we had a very intreresting conversation about relationships and the sliding
scale of ego and psyche. The time 2am before the party ended - and not a drop
of alcohol had been drunk. I hoped we would all be able to get together again
soon for another really good night in.
The
atmosphere in the counselling group had changed again. I'd bumped into Mandy
at work who said she'd be glad when the course was over. She hadn't got what
she wanted from the course and now the time seemed to drag for her. I spoke
to Dawn on the phone and Martin at the party, and both said the same kind of
thing. I didn't have any expectations about the course anymore, and knew that
the subtle self-development, personal insight and confidence bulding I had
found was just what I needed. As the group came together once more and the
round was flowing, I noticed a few people had actually closed down their
openness to speak rather than be confident enough by now to say what they
liked. I was the final speaker in the round and I for once began to tell
everybody about my spiritual growth and the inciteful friends who were
helping me to progress in great strides. Some people would understand my path
of life - others would plainly not have a clue what 'energy work' was all
about, by hey, I told the truth. After the round we were asked to think about
what we had learned from the course and what we wanted from the last seven
weeks we had left. I got into a group with Lisa, who I knew from the
residential, and Lorna and began to talk about how the course had not lived
up to our expectations. Lisa had accepted that she must make the course work
for her rather than the other way around. Lorna was still clinging to how she
imagined the course should be; with plenty of assignments and homework to
keep the mind ticking over. I was in the middle of both camps, but as there
was little sight or inclination the course format would change now, I
explained how I was making up my own course for myself. I introduced the
concept of 'people watching' to pickup the unconsious traits essential in
counselling situations. Both people shieked as I explained how this worked and
gave a few examples of how bodylanguage can be very useful. I hoped they
would both take their education in their own hands after that.
I had a
quick word with Dawn during the break, and inadvertantly made her wish more
than ever that she'd come to my party after all. I was still watching her
from the corner of my eye, but now I had layed my cards on the table whings
were much less intense. After break I talked to someone I had hardly spoken
to at all. Sherly was a nice woman with a soft heart, but as she began to
speak about her time on the course she seemed to open up to me quite easily.
She too had had depression and she also would be glad to see the course over
with (I was begining to think I was the only one who would be sad to leave
the group behind..). We talked without interuption for a while and Sherly got
a lot of things off her chest. In fact, she was still trying to keep the
conversation going even after the rest of the group had come back to the
middle and sat quietly waiting for the end of the lesson. I was having a good
time just sitting and talking, and felt so relaxed that I could have happily
sat there all night.
The first
week of March landed with another bombshell to blow my world appart. On
Tuesday (4th), Bev call'd on the phone with sad news. She'd been taken ill
recently and so had her daughter. She had been feeling ill eveytime I'd come
around - and something had told her not to come to my party for fear of
making things worse. What was wrong? She'd asked her guides and they said I had
a demon in my aura - a succubus. This news rocked my mind. I was sad that I'd
made Bev ill, but my mind was spinning on other things. Even since I'd gone
into Jayannes house last December, things had been up in the air as to what
had happened to the negative spirit she said had since dissappeared. Putting
two and two together, I thought I must have taken this entity on-board that
night and it had been draining me ever since. Bev was clueless as to how to
deal with this, and I only had one easy option, and that was to ring Eddie
for help - something I didn't want to do. Bev suggested that positive energy
would help kill it - from faith healing unconnected with reiki. 'Only guide
energy will be able to get rid of it' she said. I put the phone down and dialed
Elaines hoping for some inspiration. She said she didn't want anything to do
with it and more-or-less cut me off. I'd woken up to Elaine. I thought she
was a good spiritual inspiration but she had proved me wrong on so many
occasions. Most of her psychic predictions were inaccurate, and her ego put
me off. I wouldn't see Elaine again for a long time. In the meantime what
could I do. I didn't know for sure what was going on... if anything..!?
The next day
my mood fell through the floor. I felt terrible that I'd made my friends ill,
and the thought of evil in my aura sent my mind onto a spin. That night I
call'd Eddie on despiration, but he too said he wanted nothing to do with it.
The doors of opportunity were closing but my mind was mysteriously becoming
calmer and more open. I got out the tarot deck - something I could have done
ealier - and the spread showed my own widom and inginuity would get me out of
this mess. In the meantime I had to cheer myself up. Anger would only feed
this thing. But I still felt down all week. Slowly, the realisation that I
couldn't do much about it sunk in and more positive vibrations came through.
I was moved to write a song about this experience and it turned into Demon (hells gate). Martin was glad to see me on
Friday night and I showcased the new song to him. I didn't feel negative
towards things anymore.
Sunday (9th) saw me on the internet. I
wrote a quick note to Micheal Reccia to ask if he could find out what I could
do - and whether I had anything at all! Martin had made me a hard rockin'
70's music tape which blasted the cobwebs from the attic all afternoon. I
collected my e-mail and found a note from one of my old friends. Dave Buckley
was a guy I knew many years before when I bought the first modem for my
computer. The internet was unknown to me, so I had to use a bullitin board
service - one of which was run by Dave. I helped him out so much that he made
me co-host, and we saw each other a few times to build the freindship. When
he bought a PC, he gave me his two Amiga computers for free (the ones I'm
still using to type this journal!). The note was a sad one. He'd managed to
get himself in a lot of dept after several accidents had left him disabled.
He was now involved with dept collectors who wanted to cause chaos on his
life if he didn't pay up. I had to empathise and offered as much help as I
could to cheer his spirits. Several clairvoyant images came to mind; which
fired me up to get the cards out and do a full spread to help him. The cards
were good and I put this confidence into my letter. I even introduced he to
my new 'game of life' theories saying:
"Imagine this major life lesson is
like a demon attacking you. Don't fight the demon as it's too strong. Don't
give in to it or you'll end up in your own prison (literally and
psychologically). Instead, see it as something to beat in a game of chess.
The demon may yet try to out-flank your bishop, and pull out a few tricks to
block your path. But it's all in how you play the game - the game of life...
Respect your demon - but lets beat that sucka!" - words similar to what
I was actually telling myself with my own demons - and again, life reflecting
back in a mirror.
Just as I was about to leave for the
Spiritualist church, Simon knocked on the door. I knew I needed to be at the
church tonight - if only to get some much needed healing after hearing Bevs
advice on how to get rid of my negativities. Simon didn't stop long - but
asked if I wanted his old sofa-bed which was still at his parents house. I
said yes, wondering how I would manage to get the thing home. I left in a
rush, and after several red lights and road blockages, I made it to the
church. After the service I sat at the front and was the last to receive
healing. I made sure the healer was properly thanked after that one. I
visualised a door opening in the room and any black energy from my mind and
heart was flowing into it. I felt much better after that, and enjoyed a nice
conversation with a friend who was also the editor of the church magazine.
She asked if she could have the short version of 'The Guru' to publish in the next issue. I was
taken by how much she liked it.
Horoscope for
Week commencing Saturday, 8th March 2003: "As Mercury now passes through
your sector of the sky, it bestows a meditative mood. You are feeling far
more inclined to think things through and to acknowledge the existence of
different points of view. You are also becoming increasingly aware of hidden
opportunities; chances to make your life brighter and better that you have
previously failed to spot. Explore these as fully as you can for the planets
are now offering you a rare series of important lessons. Learn them and you
will become an altogether happier person as a result of what you start to
identify. You may need to talk yourself into a certain plan or proposition
but you will find, once you do fully believe in it, that others support and
accept it quite naturally." (c) Cainer.com
The horoscope this week was particularly
enigmatic but actually frighteningly accurate. My possible aura demons,
discovering the real Elaine, learning to put my relationship with Dawn in
perspective without falling head-over-heels in love, helping Dave, and
learning how make my own breaks, were all important life lessons I was
learning in the space of a few weeks. The 'plan' the scope talked about was
also afoot - if only in my mind. For some time I had wondered how to improve
the life lessons kids learn at school. Surely school should teach students
about the real live lessons of the world rather than just the career choices.
After last weeks counselling group session - always a hotpot of new ideas - I
was inspired to pull out a short list of life tips/lessions designed to
instill morals in the reader. If this sheet could be handed to students
before leaving school, just to give them a few pointers, it could make the
difference. These were pipe dreams, but I was just in that kind of mood to
actually go out and bloody well do it!
Monday the 10th was a quiet day. I began to
cook a few meals to last me for another two weeks and then went into college
to print off my life-tips to show one of my classmates. There was no
introductory round this week, instead we were handed a note to explain how
our foulders should be coming along by now (if only) and another note to
explain how our taped transcripts should run. The class was then split into
two groups of 6 and the other group disappered into another room. The rest of
us got together in a small circle and began a series of short triad style
sessions to discuss how we had progressed during the course. These were the
usual things but I had another plan in mind for my own triad. The biggest
lession I had learned over the duration of this course revolved around my
freindship with Dawn. I had gone from extreme desire, to lust, to taking note
of all those dreams and reminders which said this may note be such a good
idea after all, to a kind of middle ground where I wanted to keep out
friendship as a good friendship. We came together after break into our small
group and I teamed up with Donna (of all people! - probably Dawns best friend
and nearest neighbour) to talk about it. I tried to put my feelings across as
best as I could to make her understand that I was quite happy with the
situation and half glad that I hadn't rushed into things or possibly spoil
what we had with a half-cocked seduction plan. Donna was restless, but did a
good job trying to find out how I felt about things. It also gave me time to
do a bit of soul serching. After the interview, the lecturer said it seemed
like I had resigned myself to not going any further with it. I hadn't thought
about it like that before, but maybe I had - why not? The other people in the
class took the opportunity to stick the spade in and dig at the roots of my
'situation', often with very judgemental points-of-view which I really didn't
want to hear. Donna assured me that she wouldn't speak a word of this to
Dawn. Maybe the very fact that I'd brought it up in the first place was a
sign that things were still in the pan even though the contents had gone off
the boil of late. The session came to a close and and handed my tips list
over to the woman who reminded me of them in the first place. Dawn was in a
corner next to the door and looked a bit lost as I handed over the CD she'd
lent me a few weeks earlier. I almost completely ignored her after all that
had been going on - almost like I feared that just to look at her would spark
something off again. She left, and I concluded my conversation in class. A
short time later, I emerged into the night to find the Dawn, Donna, and
Jayanne (another interested party who'd heard my spill my guts in class), all
together outside. As I passed Dawn shouted that she'd call me this week, and
added a few 'alright mate!'s in a very cheerful voice. I cheerfully called
back 'ok!' and walked out of the building. I didn't know how the situation
would unfould from now on. I only knew that Dawn had to know one way or
another.
The next day I made mayself busy fixing the
speakers in the car so I could listen to Martins new rock tape at full
volume. I decided to take the thing for a spin to get a feel for the sound,
and happened to be traveling right past the turnoff to Dawns place. I swung the
car into a side-street and ignored a few flutters in the stomach as I knocked
on Dawn door. She was in, just in the middle of feeding her beautiful
two-year-old Jessica. My hands were full of dirt and my body desperately
screamed out for a bath, but I sat down and started a friendly conversation.
The love between Dawn and Jessica was truly heart warming. I'd never really
seen this love before; especially not from my own family, and my soul reacted
with a jolt and a warm wave of beauty. Dawn put Jess to bed shortly after to
give us more space to talk. The phone rang, and Dawn boyfriend Dave spoke for
some time on the other end. I could see she loved him, although I sensed he
may not be so open with his own feelings. The phone went down and I made a
move at last. I explained the chat I'd had with Donna in class. She was
unaware of it. I went a little deeper and described my feelings for her and
how they had changed as I got to know her. Finally, while Dawn's mouth was
still agape, I told her that I didn't want to start a relationship. 'So you
don't fancy me anymore?,' she asked, 'Yeah, I still fancy you, it's just that
you're not THE ONE, and I really am looking for the one.' Dawn seemed to
understand, and for the first time I understood myself. I was on a one-tack
road towards that goal. I was sure I was going to get there - the signposts I
was passing all pointed me to that same destination, so I wasn't worried I'd
be left on any shelf. A new kind of peace fell in the room after that, and
Dawn let me give her some reiki to releive her ailing stomach. As I leaned
over her reclined body, I didn't feel (hardly) any lust anymore. I left a
short time afterwards and breathed deeply on the new air outside and inside
my mind.
I felt slightly happier over that week at
work. I was still miserable in the place and showed it all too clealy, but
now the mood was lifting again ready for spiring. The sun broke from it's
cloud prison that week and gave us all a mini heat wave - in March! At last,
something to break open my spiritual deadlock. There was of couse still the
problem of the demon I supposedly had in my aura. I e-mailed a very good
medium I'd seem at church with the problem and he replied with a very
positive message to give me a good idea that I didn't have a demon around me
after all. I e-mailed it on to Bev and let her see the evidence. Later on
that week, Bev son came into work and I raised the subject. She seemed to
think that one of the other women at Bevs birthday party was the cause of all
the problems. She had actually got something removed from her during the
party, and I realised this thing probably dived straight into another host
body - which in this case was Bev. More relief for me - but had the lesson
been learned? In this case no, it was still going on.
On the 15th I got home and just knew there
was a message waiting on my telephone. I picked it up and heard Micheal with
rather a disturbed voice. I phoned him back and he told me of some disturbing
news. Elwyns house had had a serious fire a few days before. He was burned
but ok, and the house was a right mess; could I help clear it up? I said yes
straight away and we arranged to go over there the next day and clear out the
remains of Elwyns worldly posessions. As it happened, I had been wondering how
to get Simons old sofa-bed up to my place - so Micheal offered to deliver
this as well - another problem sorted. It was as if that sofa-bed was ment to
be given to me - and was coming no matter what.
The sun was still high and bright in the
sky when Micheal came around the next day (Sunday). I laboured to wake myself
up but we eventually got over to Elwins around noon. The place was actually
in a better state than I'd imagined. The only real damage was in the attic
where the fire had started originally, and most of the upstaires rooms were
untouched. We got to work. I didn't need to be told that everything must go,
no matter what. The heavy things were loaded onto the trailer first and after
a short dinner break we came back for the smaller stuff. I suggested we get
some boxes from Asda - a very good move since we ran out pretty quickly once
we got started again. I emptied drawers and used them as storage space,
grabbing everything I could and getting it all packed in some kind of order.
The day passed quickly but the job seemed quite easy. In no time we had
cleared the downstairs rooms and less than an hour later the whole lot was in
the trailer and in the back of the car. I felt strange clearing the house.
I'd once been a keen visiter to this place, and had enjoyed many long hours
of good conversation in there. Now it was all going - the end of an era - the
end of a dream. Even though Elwin was still alive and well, the atmosphere
was very dark as if we were clearing away the possetions of someone who had passed
away. I packed up the last few things and realised I should have been using
protection all this time. Elwin was a keen user of magik - I didn't know what
was lerking in that house. Yet again, the lessions I should have learned
though that demon episode were still being played out. Still, the operation
was a success and I even managed to get back in time to go to church and
re-charge my batteries.
Another bright and sunny day filtered
through the curtains as I woke the next morning (17th). Again, the agenda was
set to help mike with the last of Elwins stuff. We wasted no time again that
day. In a flash we were over at Elwins place taking out the smelly old
fridge. After dumping that at Mikes place, the dumping could begin. Mum had a
washing machine she no longer needed - having spent five of the six thousand
pounds left to her by my Nan on a new kitchen suite. I still had my doubts as
to whether this was a good idea since she packed her job in, but as I went
around the back of her house to pick up the washer, a friend of mums
explained that she was now helping him with a few of his window and door jobs
- so maybe things were working out after all. We stopped off at my place to
take out my old washer and then it was off to the tip to get rid of the old stuff.
I plumbed in my new washer later that day but I had to finish quickly to get
up to the college in time for the counselling group. I had no reason to think
there would be anything wrong with it....
Todays counselling group was in noticably
low spirits. The round flew by even faster than anything on record -
everybody seemed to have nothing to say - except me. I felt like everybiody
was fed up of the course - and those who I spoke to all said that it had not
been what they expected. The first task of the evening was quite interesting.
We were asked to remember what we felt like when something of ours broke down
or was taken away. The process involved going into a quiet space in the mind
and reliving that experience; noting thoughts, feelings and actions. Then the
script changed and we were asked this time to relive the same moment now and
see how differenly we would react. The purpose of all this was an
introduction to what people do after a loss, and the crises they face. The
most obvious major loss was the death of a loved one, and this was
highlighted in a handout. We took a break. Neither Dawn nor Donna had graced
us with their unique presences tonight so I took the time to chat to the
tutor about a few theories I'd been thinking about. After break the next
subject was remembering a major upheval in our lives, and then going in to
pairs to talk about it. Martin gestured across that he wanted to talk to me -
and I senced this was because the subject was something he felt hard to talk
to anybody else about. True enough, both our topics revolved around
depression, and it wasn't hard for us to come up with the pro's and con's of
this time in our lives. My friendship with Martin had grown beyond my
expectations. It was an unusual event in my life, being closer to someone
over such a short time. I wondered when this bubble of mutual interest would
burst, and we'd see our real colours at last. That day was only around the
corner as it happened. The evening was packed into my bag, we both walked
into the fresh air and carried on talking into town. Martin had said many
times that he was unhappy on the course, maybe if I hadn't been his friend he
wouldn't be there at all?
The rest of the week passed quite
uneventfully, with only the much appreciated - but completely forgotten about
- pay day to shock my spirits on Friday. One thing I had been noticing was a
nagging psychic headache which had been affecting my psyche all week. Later
on I also noticed my right shoulder was beginning to ache and felt tense.
These were signs of stress I needed to take care of pretty quickly. I decided
to start wearing my crystal bag around my neck again to help my aura defend
itself and hopefully give me more personal energy. The weekend saw my mind
focused on the car in an attempt to clean it up before the MOT. I knew it
would pass, after one or two long standing niggles had been fixed.
I got straight on with it with new figour
on Monday (24th) and headed off into to nearest scrap yard to fid two new
headlights. I knew as soon as I arived that this wasn't the place to be. They
offered my two for £35. At one time I'd had agreed with reluctance, but now I
had the strength the make my excuses and leave. The next place I went to
offered me the same deal for only £15. I was glad I'd followed my instincts.
Before heading home I took time out to buy a new pair of boots - both for
work and leasure. Subconciously I had another plan in mind. For such a long
time now I'd been thinking about moving my life over to a spirit camp in
Wales, which offered a years guided retreat for just over £1000. Last year
I'd toyed with it - and even mentioned it to Arwen, who reassured me that
this mythical place was a great place to visit. Now I was getting used to
being 27 I was again feeling the pangs of 'the urge'. Where was my life
going? I just wanted to break free and fire off in another direction. I
couldn't think of a more risky but potentially positively life changing
situation, and these boots reminded me that there was a larger plan involved.
I watched the David Icke videos lent by Bev again, which had the effect of
giving me even more realisation of the life I was wasting with work and
little in the way of direct personal growth and introspection.
That night the college cource was a casual
affair. The second of the two review sessions was on the cards, involving a
series of 15 or 20 minute individual interviews with the lecturers. I was
booked in to see mine at the end of the period, leaving me plenty of time to
get my folder in some kind of order. Dawn looked beautiful this evening, and
we talked together while I arranged piles of folder notes on the desk.
One-by-one the students filed into the arranged interview room and the
numbers left in the classromm dwindled. I made small talk with a few people
until there was only five of us left. Dawns hair became the centre of the
conversation, and I was invited to join a ritual combing wright. I said
nothing. I knew how beautiful Dawns hair was without stroking it as well. The
others eventually left, leaving only Donna and Dawn. I invited them both back
to my place, to which they agreed, and then began a game of 'favourites' to
keep the atmosphere interesting. Then it was my turn to go in. During the
interview I couldn't help mentioning how I'd been drawn to the Spirit Horse
camp for exploration into my whole being. I was surprised to be relating this
still idle whim to people I hardly knew, but it seemed like a good idea at
the time. I said I was making the course my own and was enjoying it. I'd miss
it when the course finished in less than five weeks time. Returning to the
fould, Donna wanted to go home and so she left. Dawn came back shortly after
and we walked down to mine.
I enjoyed a pleasant evening in that night.
Dawn and I talked about all-sorts and I lent her a few of my CDs. Dawns
mobile rang half way through; it was Dave - her casual boyfriend. He was away
in Dublin and wasn't too keen on the idea that Dawn was with me. She'd
obviously said something after I spilled my guts (again) a couple of weeks
earlier. Dawn didn't seem to mind, and explained she knew the score. An
element of tension hummed in the background as we tried to act as though we
were just friends. My hidden agendas were long gone (or at least so I
thought) and I tried to reassure her psyche with good conversation. We talked
until I felt like I was running out of things to say to her. Just before the
conversation started to run out of steam I offered to take her home - and to
keep the mood high. As it happened, there was a good film on the TV which I
knew she would have liked to watch. So I dropped Dawn off at her place and
went back to watch the film myself. Somehow, a certain element of friendship
was missing. I could talk to my friends all night long, but was Dawn I was
running out of things to say. This wasn't a good sign, and I was a little bit
glad that I'd woken up to my senses just intime to stop anything serious
going on.
Asda developed into a temporary literal
pain in the neck over the next week. To start of a bad experience, two of the
three Wednesday (26th) staff went sick, leaving me to run the whole show. I
was so wound up simply with the thought of having to take care of everything
that I emptied the tills and made a break for home in a mad rush - only to be
told that the time was actually 9 o'clock and not 10pm as I thought - I was a
whole hour early. I laughed at that cock'up that night. This wasn't like me
at all. I could usually handle this kind of responsibility quick easily but
this night I couldn't seem to shrug it off. At last I got home put my feet
up. I felt the pressure slowly easing over the next few days but my mood only
lifted slightly as time went on. It wasn't that I couldn't handle myself -
more like I begrudged the fact that I had to in the first place - just for a worthless
job. I began to meditate again from that point on, for an hour or so just
before I went to sleep. It seemed to do the trick, and the anger and
frustraction saw more balance at last. I'd also been drawn towards energy
symbols as possible helpers in my cause, and bought myself an Atlantean
Cross, and an angel made from the Purple Energy Plate material I had been
using to charge up my drinks with positive energy for over a year. I put
these on my silver chain with a pentangle and found them to be quite good;
although I did find the effect gave me the opposite reaction if I wore them
for too long. I hoped I could build up my tollerance to these things until I
could use them to give me strength throughout the day.
The week soon rolled into weekend after
that and I prepaired myself for Mothers Day on Sunday (30th). Glastonbury
tickets were about to go on sale and so I was faced with a Dilemma. Should I
buy one of these things for once in my life and remove all the hassle of
getting into the place, or could I somehow get in without again? I tried to
get in touch with Michael to find out what his plans were this year. I hoped
to get in the same crew as last year - but I didn't really feel like trusting
in fate to see me though again - it was a giant leap I made last year and
only my positivity saw me though. Did I really want to go out on a limb
again? If I missed the festival this year I'd be very pissed off. Packing up
my presents I set off to Mums for the annual visit. She was in a low mood
when I arrived - she had fallen out with the friend who she hung around with
these days. I tried to calm her down and change the subject but she
eventually spat out what was wrong and I went into counselling/serious mode.
I had noticed of late that these two sides of my personality; the
professional side and the light-hearted side; were completely different in
the extreme. Many friends had reeled at this change over the years and had
drifted away, I wondered if Martin would see this and start to pull away from
our friendship. I took my Mother to the Spiritualist church for a good night
out, and I received a lot of healing, before returning to Mums and ringing
Martin to go and see him. We had tentatively arranged to meet after church so
I didn't expect any problems. But Martin also seemed a bit low tonight, and I
could tell he wasn't his happy-go-lucky self. We sat down and watched a few
things on TV together. The conversation turned towards sexual and homophobic
philosophy and turned into quite a heated debate. Martin was tired and his
mood was wearing thin. I said a few things which showing my naivety in
certain matters and I struggled to bring the mood back to something a bit
lighter. Soon the party broke up and felt like we'd tested each others
boundaries - possibly the boundaries of our friendship.
The next day (31st) I got the car ready for
the MOT and booked it in for Tuesday. I bumped into Linda in town as I went
to pay off my rent - reminding me that the counselling was again mear hours
away. As I looked at Linda I caught a frightening glimps of what had
attracted me to her right at the very beginning of the course. I quickly
shook that out of my head and we parted. I decided to do a Tarot spread to
find out whether getting a ticket for Glastonbury was a good idea or not. The
spready showed there would be small barriers and tests of strength and
initiative to get though. The plan would be up in the air until the last
minute and I would have to strive remain on the positive road. However, there
was no sign that I wouldn't get into the festival this year - making me
wonder if I could be tempted to blag my way in again somehow. But the tickets
were on sale today, so I went up to the college early to see if I could book
the tickets online. As fate would have it, the internet was down at college
that night; giving me the feeling that it wasn't ment to be. I would find out
only a few days later why this should happen this way; making me glad that
something was out there trying to help me.
So I made my way into the classroom once
again and found I was the first one there. Sandra was the next to arrive and
then in came Martin. He still looked 'run down' and made little in the way of
conversation. I passed over a token offering to him in the firm of another
music CD. I hoped he'd like it. The rest of the group piled in and we began.
The opening round went without much hassle and we got on with the first task
of the evening. We were asked to get into groups of similar age. I was only
in the same age bracket as one other person - Jayanne. Then we were asked to
discuss what was happening to us at our age and the changes were were going
though. These topics were just going through my mind at the time, so to talk
about them in the lesson was nothing short of miraculous. I explained how I'd
become aware of my age all-of-a-sudden, and that I had pang to pack
everything up and live in the country for a while. This was a brave and
life-changing step, and I couldn't help talking about it again. Jayanne
understood completely and said she'd been though similar moods only a year or
so before. Getting older never bothered me until now, and then it caught me
up to almost knock me off my feet. The groups then shared their findings with
each other. We spoke to the 20-25 age-group who tried to mock us util they
realised this was serious and that that may have to go though similar
feelings of 'Where is my life going? / who am I? / what's my life all about?'
syndrome. During break I told the tutor who my life was changing, and brought
up the prospect of the Spirit camp. He thought it was a good and said 'go for
it'. After break we went into triad group to talk about things which had
changed our lives in the past. I began by counselling James and everything
went silky smoothly. Then James listened as Jayanne took on the client role.
Half way though their session James began to force his opinions on her.
Jayanne threw up the defensive barriers and began to defend her preferences.
James didn't let go and the session ended rather abruptly. Both people were upset,
and back in the class the argument raged on. Now everybody could hear them.
The tutor asked me what I though and I tried to patch together my view of
both sides of the convesation. The rest of the classmates seemed to be
laughing too often when I spoke about this serious situation. They had been
getting used to my funny side and weren't prepaired for the complete
difference in character my professional side brought with it. I walked half
way home with James and listened as he tried to justify himself to me for the
way he handled the triad. I didn't have feelings one way or the other, but I
managed to calm him down before he reached his front door. He would
undoubtedly learn from this experience, and so would I.
That night I was surprised to find Mike knocking
patiently on my doorstep. He came inside and we talked about my hopes for
Glastonbury. He saw the computer failure at college as a sign but couldn't
reassure me with any definite ideas on actaully getting in without a ticket.
I also shared an idea with him about ordering one of the Yurts he was about
to make. I really wanted one for Glastonbury and to possibly use on my
various breaks to the Lakes. But again I had a hidden agenda which I poured
out with little cohertion. The yurt was also planned for a possible years
attendance of the Spirit Horse camp. Mike thought quickly and hardly
hesitated to disuade me from buying a smaller 'squirt' in favour of a more
robust full size Yurt for the job. He too thought this was an opportunity not
to be passed over - but then he would say that being an ex-longtime member of
a new age camp himself. I was filled with hope but also uncertainty of the
Glastonbury unknown.
April
Money was
the big issue this month as bills had to be sorted out and budgets set again for
possible major unheavals. I was hopeful that the car would pass the MOT no
problem. My one concern was the hand-brake, but I didn't feel any negative
vibes from it so on the first day of April I put it in for a test. Arriving
back an hour later I had a few doubts in my mind. Somehow things had not
sailed with the wind. The garage man told me straight as soon as I stepped
through the door - you've failed the test! The estimated cost would be just
over a hundred quid. I left to think it over. Passing by one garage in the
hope of a cheaper deal I got the impression the guy was going to rip me off,
so I moved on towards home. The budget figures showed I could afford it if I
sacrificed my easy ticket into Glastonbury Festival. It the internet had been
working when I intended to buy a ticket, I would never have been able to
afford to get the car fixed at all. Given the choice I had to keep the car
running. It was ment to be. Second hand parts would be no good in this case
and I wouldn't be able to fix it myself. There was nothing else for it but to
bit the bullet. While the spreadsheet was up I checked out the possibility of
attending the Spirit Horse camp this year. It would be tight - and depended
on many universal forces bringing in the pieces in the right order. I sent an
e-mail off to the camp to check out a few possibilities. I'd just have to
wish and see. Mike would soon be round with a quote for my dream Yurt, and
that was another thing I'd had to make room in the pocket for. I hadn't
looked at a horoscope for such a long time, I wondered if this unheaval was
part of some bigger picture....
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 29th March
2003: "One way or another, we pay a price for most things; even though
sometimes we choose to kid ourselves otherwise. This week brings the bill for
a recent indulgence and the quotation for a future extravagance. Can you
afford the psychological cost of this exercise? Probably not. So it may well
be best not even to ask what it is. But then, if you don't want to know the
score, why read a horoscope? The choice is yours. Be aware and be restrained.
Or be free and just ignore the consequences until later." (c)
Cainer.com.
The last
line of this scope went around my head all week. A few days after I'd sent
off my e-mail to the Spirit Horse camp I got a reply. The news wasn't good.
Appearantly they didn't offer full year residential at all, but did offer a
series of small ventures a few times a year. I wrote back to ask if this
woman could help with my 'dream' of living somewhere new, and waited for a
reply. In the meantime things were waking up from their winter hibernation.
My mind was still noticably cloudy, except this time I was taking steps to
clear it. Thanks to my almost nightly reintroduction to meditation things were
very slowly begining to slow down and make more sense. I installed my trusty
Azurite crystal inside the crystal pouch and wore it to good effect. I wanted
to think straight, I wanted to become alive in the moment again. So much time
had been lost over the winter that I'd almost forgotten how good it felt to
have my IQ somewhere near the levels it should be. The downside to this was
the fact that I could think about things a lot more deeply now - too deeply.
I had to stop myself from thinking about things beyond all recognition.
Even things
at work were trying to get me thinking. My supervisor had lost one of her new
amethyst earrings. She was distraight, and I tried looking for it, but it was
no use. In despiration she asked everybody she saw to help her look - she
didn't give up, her personal magnetism would hold her in good stead for
getting it back. The next day I saw my supervisor first thing and she was
delighted to let me know she'd found it. Appearantly, a woman off the
customer service desk had happened to go into the rest room - a place neither
she nor my supervisor ever went into. By chance she saw the earring stuck on
the side of a seat and picked it up. My superviser had tried one last time to
find out if anybody had seen her earring and this woman said 'yes, I've found
it!'. What the thing was doing in the rest room in the first place was
anybodys guess, but thanks to a chain of four co-incidences, my supervisor
got her earring back. Magic in action. I concluded this magic also depended
on at least four things coming into play - hope/positivity, magnetism,
sending her wishes out strongly, and innocence.
On Saturday
(5th) a friend happened to fly a rocket into my cloud of dreams by reminding
me that I wasn't as free from ties as I had thought. My student loan was
piling up year on year. Now I owed several hundred pounds more than my
original loan, but if I disappeared into the wilderness somewhere the loans
people would try to reclaim the dept from my bank account - leaving me
pennyless on my return. I thought about it and there were ways around this
problem - but the impact of this niggle curiously began to deflate my hopes.
Now not only did I not have a camp to go to, I would also need think about
this loan. I consoled myself that I'd soon be away on a small break to the
Lakes again within the next few weeks - I'd think about things then.
To help
matters, I received my second message from a medium the next night at church.
The medium was a jolly fellow and likes to make light of things. He began by
saying I was on the right path, but I still needed to do a lot more studying
before I'd get to where I was going - especially reading and writing. 'You
know all the long words, they're telling me'. 'Some', I replied. He mentioned
'Sister'. I said I didn't have a sister, but knew inside that he was talking
about Dawn. Daffodils came up - something I always seemed to get in messages
just to show the medium was on the ball. Lastly, the medium spoke of jam. He
broke off the contact and said he would come back to me later. Sure enough,
after the service he came straight over to me and told me what this ment. He
thought I should be more causious around certain people or thay would take
advantage of my good nature - kind of like having the cake and eating it. I wondered
whether Eddy would be in contact again with another battery of
questions/directives. I'd certainly watch out for something like that.
I took the
car back into the garage again on Monday (7th) to get it fixed and MOT'd. I
tried one last time to get Mums old washer working with a load of washing. I
had tried it a week earlier with limited success. The timing knob had stuck
on one number for a couple of hours but I made allowances and manually nudged
it onto the next cycle. Today things were a bit different. Now the knob
didn't turn at all, and I had to manually take the washer throught the whole
washing programme. When the washing came out I found it hadn't cleaned
anything and much of it was covered in soap powder. I hung what I could on
the line and left the rest. I could make do for a couple of weeks. At least
the weather outside was still scorching (in April!!) to get things dry
quickly. This whole saga made me remember how I'd gone against the grain of
one of my prime philosophys - don't replace anything which already does the
job well enough already. I hadn't actively thought about it at the time - I
just saw a new, more reliable washing machine. But it just went to prove that
I'd been blind, and had payed the price for turning my back on something what
worked in favour of modernisation. I wished I hadn't thrown my trusty old
washer away...
That
afternoon was the penultimate Monday session with the counselling level two
group. The end had come all-of-a-sudden, and even those who said they'd be glad
when the whole lot finished were feeling a sad to see it go. The group had
changed and grown with a life of it's own; from the raw beginings and shy
getting-to-know-yous, to the familiarity, to the arguments and
over-familiarity, to the comfortable stage we found ourselves it now at the
end. It reminded me of any kind of relationship - the stages we go though as
we find out about something or somebody. I noiced in the round that the
quietest member of the group had much to say at last - she seemed to be comfortable
with us by now to be able to say things without fear of being singled out or
openly judged. Even Dawn seemed to be treating the group like a worn out pair
of trainers. She seemed to be able to relax and be naturally part of a bonded
family. I too had made my little connections, and respected most, if not all,
of the people. I noticed I was still vaguely on the outside looking in -
being myself first and part of a team second. There wasn't much integration
but there was much appreciation. The round passed into history and a new
exercise was placed on the table. This time we were to think about what we
had learned; about counselling, about ourselves, about the group, and what we
could take away for the future. I thought about it and then paired up with
Mandy to talk it though. Some of our thoughts were quite simmilar. We both
felt the course had given us more confidence and greater attentivness towards
other people. We had both become more natural 'professional' listeners, who
would try to help the client solve their own problems rather than try to
solve things for them. Out of nowhere, Mandy began to talk about me. 'You're
so easy to talk to', she said ,'you just seem to have that calm reassuring
voice and that gentle face that makes people just want to pour their thoughts
out to you'. This was my professional side coming though - no less natural
than my charismatic sarcastic side.
The group
came back together. This time we were asked to talk with someone in the group
we felt we had made a connection with, and discuss what we hoped for each
other, what blocks we saw to each others progress, and what advice we would
give them for the future. I sat and let everybody pair up. I knew who I
wanted to talk with, but I wanted to give the others a chance to grab her
first if they wanted to. The group of girls at the head of the room didn't
seem to be moving anywhere so I got up an walked over to them. 'Dawn', I said
with assured confidence. She got to her feet and followed me over to a table
in the other corner. I started first and told her how I hoped she would find
a way to get out into the world and find her motivation - her muse. How I
hoped she would find comfort; not only in a career, but also in the home; and
that I hoped she would be able to stread her love to as many people as
possible to bring happiness to the hearts of many. Dawn seemed flattered.
'You know, I don't want us to drift away after this course finishes, I'd like
us to stay in touch - even if it's only one phone call every so often', she said.
'How could I not do that', I replied 'You're such a great girl.' Dawn almost
blushed - although I couldn't really tell - her pale skin didn't reveal any
secrets. We carried on talking about things unrelated to the course and then
broke up for a break.
The evening
was warm as we stepped outside. Donna began to talk about her Biology lesson
and we all had a good laugh. At last I pinpointed what I'd miss most about
the course. This! Our chats during the break. I didn't have so many friends
in one place at any other time in my week, and now I'd loose that. I never
saw myself as a gang member, and I wasn't, but these guys were different
somehow. Back in the room I got to work putting all my hopes for Dawn down on
paper, with lots of other bits of advice and words of encouragment almost as
an end-of-course present. Jayanne came over to sit by me. The tutors
suggested we think about who in the group we would like to chat to in the
next session, and receive feedback from. I had to try to come up with people
who wouldn't just shower me with compliments and praise, but would offer
constructive advice or thoughts about my progress. I asked Jayanne if she
wouldn't mind talking. She showered me with compliments. 'You're so
intelligent and wise and easy to talk to, I'm flattered that you want to talk
to me', she said. I realised that I was quite intelligent - something I
didn't realise at work or at home, or even at church. My friends were all on
my intellectual wavelength so I didn't notice I had a brain - if took an average
joe bloggs to point it out. I was grateful and also a bit shocked as well.
Maybe I'd better get used to the idea and make the most of it?! The big-hand
moved passed the hour and the group splintered away. Martin said he'd be
around my place some time the next day - at last I'd be able to give him a
tape I'd spent a good deal of the day before putting together.
Awareness
and learning seemed to be the words of the day. My dreams had been becoming
clearer and more common - sometimes to the point of being able to dream, and
remember, 10 dreams a night. I'd come across a great new way to use healing
crystals, and the combinations I needed to install under my pillow to get
better dream results - the essential ingredient being kyanite. My meditations
were becoming more irregular but I was determined to keep up the practice as
much as I could. Early in the second week of April I decided to meditate with
a stone I'd never touched before now, an elegantly craved and polished smokey
quartz pyramid. I only used this for one night. The results on my third eye
chakra were uncommonly prolific. From then on, my brow would throb with a
dull feeling whenever I needed to be reminded about something, almost as if
my subconcious was trying to communicate something though my forehead. These
feelings didn't go away either, so I was wary about using the crystal again
until I had worked out what was actually going on.
My time at
Asda was plainly not where I wanted to be, but I got my head down to some
serious work that week. For some reason I found I had enough energy to throw
myself into the endless jobs dictated from above - not particulary so I could
pass the time any quicker, but just for the sake of getting on with it even
though I didn't get any satisfaction or benefits from the place whatsoever.
On Friday (11th) I noticed something even more. I'd pinned down a sence of my
current self. I didn't treat everybody alike. I could be warm and friendly
with one person but almost completely ignore the one standing right beside the
other if I didn't want to talk to them. Why? It seemed like this revolved
around how much respect I had for these people. Respect at work usually
revolved around how hard-working and genuine they were. Some of my workmates
were mentally challenged to the point of idiocy, but this didn't make them
bad people, no, but the fact that they obviously didn't care about making any
effort - and generally tried to get away with doing as little work as
possible, which took away any respect I would have for them. This week a new
guy was walking around on work experience. He was 15, and as usual I tended
to watch him from a distance to get some impression or feeling for his
character before I thought about offering any kind of friendship towards him.
A few days later, I had hardly spoken a word to him. This had obviously
played on his psyche as I noticed his attitude to me was now subtily
different. He seemed to be less keen to impress me - now he was more 'grown
up' about things, and began to use his brain to come up with sensible
questions rather than flippant remarks. He had a respect for me, and I had
seen the change and began to reply back. The young man left Asda a day later
as his time with us was now up, but not before I noticed he had shown me what
drove my sence of friendship towards people. I supposed I respected lots of
people for lots of different reasons; sometimes it was simply a case of
mutual understanding; and that was enough.
On Friday
(11th), I received an e-mail. The mailbox had been raided every few days in
case my recent madness on the internet proved fruitful. About a week earlier
I'd been draw to, of all things, a penpals/connections site called Newage
Connections. I filled in the form and sent my details away. I didn't mind if
I didn't get any replies. After all, I'd been so far out of the dating loop
in my life that I wondered why I should want to go for it now. My intuition
told me I wouldn't get any replies, but my ESP told me this this was a good
way to send my wishes out into the universe and that someone, somewhere,
perfect for me, would be drawn that bit closer by it. Anyhow, I checked the
net. No such luck in love, but I did receive an e-mail from India - of all
places. I remembered the message I'd recieved from my medium friend Paula, and
how she had predicted connections with India. How strange. The mail was from
somebody offering lessions in healing and Yoga - with private tuition
available in India itself. After the recent collapse of my Spirit Horse
dreams I wondered whether this was an alternative. This wouldn't be the last
I'd hear about India...
That
evening I was too busy to think about e-mails - I had something more pressing
to do. I'd borrowed the Group Log from the counselling group to fill in a few
of the dates I was supposed to have already done by now, and found that there
was more that my dates missing. 11 session notes were missing in all, and I
had to figure out a way to solve this problem in time for the full day
session booked for tomorrow. Another five dates were filled in from my own
journal notes - leaving only five blank spaces. At least this gave me the
chance to polish the journal up a bit, and give a good impression to the
moderator.
The next
day (12th) dawned in no time at all. I'd had only 6 out of the usual 12 hours
worth of sleep, having been up until 3am with the Group Log. Now I had to
drag myself up to college. Only 15 minutes late, I arrived and found the
class had moved to another room. I couldn't raise a smile that morning until
I'd at least woken up - and that wasn't until noon. Up until this time I had
to get on with the tasks of the day; the first of which being the feedback
session we'd planned the week before. I'd been looking forward to this, but
in my present mood I couldn't get my head around it. Jayanne was the first to
present me with her comments, and luckily had written them out on paper so I
didn't have to remember anything. I then fumbled to pull comments and praise
from my own mind to give her in return. She seemed to be fine with it. Next up
was a woman with a great sence of humour. Lisa was someone I'd gotten to know
mostly during Januarys residential, and someone I could count on to give me
honest feedback. Unfortunately, my brain was still barely in first gear, and
I forget what she had said almost as soon as the words left her parted lips.
Now I only had Donna to see to finish off the feedback, but while she was out
doing a taped triad, I decided to do the same. Lorna was in the process of
sorting her own tapes out, so I stepped across and asked whether I could join
her. Lorna had been my fourth feedback choice - so I was glad to be able to
talk with her. We went into a small interview room further down the hall and
enjoyed a nice private interview. By the time I emerged into the light ready
for dinner (breakfast), I'd woken up at last. The meal was a mish-mash of
things people had brought along to enjoy - and I noticed the bananas I'd
brought were going down well. After lunch I joined a group of students who
where all observing the same session, and giving written feedback to the
counsellor. The session ended and we all gave out comments - except for the
last young man who insisted on provoking the 'client' with his
points-of-view, and the ensuing argument extended over the next 15minutes - even
after the group had broken up for a break. I went outside to try to calm the
'client' down. Linda was still furious but I managed to change the subject
onto something a bit more sedate, and she calmed down. Donna wandered into
the scene and I grabbed her and we gave each other out feedback out on the
college front steps.
Back in
class the lecturers had a video lined up for us to watch, which proved
surprisingly interesting - although I found I was thinking more about how I
could include a counselling session into an imaginary film script. But the
day was drawing to a close. The group aranged the chairs into a circle to end
the session and I passed the time by talking to a woman I had hardly had time
to speak with before. Shirly was interesting to talk to, yet she seemed to be
outside the group much like I was. She had a 'lazy eye', and while the mood
was ripe, I took the opportunity to ask her about it, and ask how I could
approach somebody with such a condition so as not to offend them. She didn't
give me any difinitive answers but I was glad I had the opportunity to ask.
You don't get many chances to talk about these things in your life. The
afternoon was drawing shadows on the wall, but there was still time for me
ask eveybody about the group log and find some volunteers to help me finish
it off. Dispite planning just what I was going to say to these people, my
thoughts came out rather differently; making me wonder why I spend so much
dead time planning these conversations out in my mind. The group seemed to be
happy enough with my suggestions and I left knowing I'd done my bit. As I
walked down the corridor for the nearest exit, another student was not so far
behind. 'The course is nearly over', I said. 'Thank god!', she said , 'I'm
sick of it'. Quite a few people had said that - perhaps I was the only one
who had enjoyed it?
Martin came
over the next day (13th) and we chatted about satire and philosophy. I
introduced the subject of 'anticipation', and how these flights of fantasy
take away the magic of the moment when you actually get there. Dreams can
never live up to reality - not completely - leaving you over-optimistic and
ultimately disappointed. Anticipation can also lead to time going fast as you
'look forward' to something, and then all too quickly time has flown right
though the event you were looking forward to, leaving you on the other side
wondering what happened. Anticipation can leave to in states of apprehention;
and in the worst cases fear; of a situation you imagine will happen in the future
- whether it be some terrible disaster waiting to happen, or stage fright, or
some other devil waiting in the dark. What is anticipation good for? Not much
it would seem, except maybe to highten the senses of the mind and stimulate
courage and determination though fear. I was enjoying our conversation as it
went on. Martin introduced another topic towards the end - 'where can the
answers to the untimate questions be found?'. He said he'd never been able to
find any - just endlessly more questions.
I would
have to think about this, but I had to make my way to the Spiritual Awareness
class to buy a ticket for the advertised Psychic Supper. I didn't feel at all
strange to be back around these people, in fact I was glad to be there. We
started with a guided meditation in which I found myself climbing up the
steep slope of Awareness, and a guide named Adam gave me plenty of
philosopbhy to be thinking about. I hadn't been in the group for so long that
I was surprised that everybody lent forward when I spoke presumably hoping to
hear something interesting. I was back amoung spiritual friends. I would
definitely be back here when the counselling course finished!
At last I
took a full day out for myself on Tuesday (14th). The sun shone with warmth
and golden light, and I stepped outside to enjoy my breakfast in the fresh
air. I found myself going into a helpful meditation afterwards, which relaxed
my mind and balanced my soul noticably. My soulder had been acking whenever I
picked up anything heavy for some time, and I'd been longing to have a good
Yoga stretch and solve the problem. This was my chance and I enjoyed it. A
few doors away, several teenagers had 'taken over' an empty house. They were
busy reboarding up a window they had smashed down to break into the place;
making more noise than actually achieving anything. I didn't bother too much
about these guys. A part of me was tormented by the ethics of there
situation, but a larger part of me was happy to live and let live. They
looked over and noticed as I wandered over to check my newly sprouting Mint
plant (which mirrored my own reawakening from hybernation) - I achnowledged
them but payed them no further notice. At the end of the day I felt restored,
and hoped I would enjoy plenty of these days in the months to come. But there
was one last thing I needed to do - something that had been playing on my
mind for some time now. I had to ring Arwen and see how she was getting on. I
called around 9:30 and she was just about to go to bed. Arwen sounded quiet,
but quite lively in her unique way, and seemed pleasantly surprised at my
call. Arwen was fine. She'd been seeing the same guy for months now and they
were getting on well (after the kinks had been ironed out). I told her I was
now in the final weeks of my counselling course - the course she had inspired
me to go on in the first place - and she asked what I wanted to do next. I
didn't know. I never did. I just had to hold the blind hope that something
would carry me off in a direction when the time was right. Arwens counselling
career had now settled and she was happy - and I was happy for her.
The middle
week of April harolded the full moon and pay-day amoungst other things. I
went back to working on my inner landscape. The feelings on my third eye
gracefully melted away, making me wonder if the shock awakening of this
sensitive element had now made it easier to open and work with in the future.
I tried again with the same smokey quartz pyramid, and this time the results
were much less profound. My nightly meditations had lessened in their
intensity by now, but were no less helping me rebuild my energies from the
winter hibernation. At work my energies were beyond measure. I set about the
mundane Asda trivia with a seriousness and vigour I'd not seem in a very long
time - since last year in fact. I was now my own boss - I knew what I needed
to do and just got on with it. I didn't even sneak off to have a rest between
the heavy duty jobs of the day. The boss seemed to appreciate it, and I even
noticed that one of my fellow colleagues; usually as lazy as me when it came
to hard work; was now more serious too, and we worked as a team to get
through the work. This teamwork also took me by surprise. It seemed like I
had stimulated his idle mind by stimulating my own. Life was a mirror. At
home I began and continued a new cource of Ginko Biloba extract; something
I'd been looking forward to starting again to get the old juices flowing. The
books came out instead of the TV or video games, and I picked up my copy of
the Lighted Path once more in the hope of inspiration. The book was now at
least a year old and I'd managed to read about half of it. The words were
deep and the images vivid. The chapter I was on reflected to a retreat the
author had once undertaken; a soul searching escape into the wilderness on
what she called a 'Vision Quest'. With my break to the Lakes coming up soon,
I got to thinking how I could make the most of this opportunity to advance
myself. Nature was the way. The author recommended fasting as a good start in
this process. I'd tried fasting before with terrible results, so I decided at
least to give that one a miss.
The 18th
was Good Friday. I was busy at work as usual. My wage slip revealed I had
received a pay rise; now £5.06 an hour. I was feeling very introspective that
afternoon. And began to get in touch with my dark side. It was still there -
even after years of getting out of the grip of Depression, it was still there
in the darkness. I thought about a story to a movie involving 'The Last Ninja'
warrior, and worked out the fight scenes to the detail. I hoped this was
helping me balance my soul in some way rather than put me back a step. During
the break I saw Elaine and walked over as she loaded up the car. My mood was
black. She saw it in my eyes. I don't know what impression this gave her but
what the hell.
I was
feeling a lot more cheerful the next day (19th). The day was a bit warmer
than the day before, but the heatwave I'd been enjoying was almost over.
Again I got my head down to some serious work and made sure the day run
smoothly. At the end of the day I found myself in a place I'd not been in for
so long. I was back in the Comfy Room talking to two people my age about
life. One of the lads was on the 'Religion' college course and I took the
opportunity to ask him all about it. He was a Christian but this he said
didn't sway his study of all the other faculties around the world. But then
something strange happening. I found I was talking about a subject I knew
well, and yet I was stumbling over my words. Was I so far out of the
'conversation loop' that I was rusty at talking about these things? I hadn't
talked to many colleages outside of the working environment in so long, maybe
it was time get more involved? I went home in a good mood. A Beatles
callendar I'd spotted months back with a sence of lust had been given away
free (along with many others) - and so yet another idle wish was in my
possession - Free! I arrived home to find an old pan of chicken stew on the
oven - reminding me to clean up my act and get the house tidy again. I
settled down to night of entertainment - watching Jackie Brown again on TV,
and relaxing to a cool smoke. Several pages of new philosophy later, and I'd
come up with a way to unlock the subconsious mind - the thing I'd been
thinking of finding out about for a few weeks now - and thanks to a good
connection with my mind, my intuition, and my spirit guides and helpers, I
had at last come up with a possible process I could experiment with. Several
bursts of 'freedom' also hit me that night as I tried to experience the
pleasure of being able to do just about anything I wanted in the absolute
free moment. If only I could taste this freedom more often!
At the
moment I stall had bills to sort out. The car insurance was now due, and
after ringing around a number of brokers I found a very good deal - £320
fully comprehensive cover. I ran though my spreadsheet to balance the cost.
Due to a wages oversight I was £20 down already and more expenses and
indulgences had left me even shorter. The road tax was the next bill. I could
only afford it if I went without my trip to the Lakes the next week. Sod
that! I'd have to put the Tax off until next pay day...
The next
week included another introspective period. This was becoming so much part of
my life that I hardly noticed it anymore. A message from Erika at the Spirit
Horse camp offered support for any decisions I would hope to make, but where
was I going and what did I hope to do? I played with Awareness again on the
23rd and tried another theory. Instead of forcing anything - which I knew
could quote chapter and verse by now as to why this wasn't a good idea - and
actually had the opposite results - I tried to make things more simple by
simply opening my ears. This had the effect of placing me on the spot and in
the moment faster and easier than other methods. Unfortunatly, even though
this was a natural faculty and quite easy to return to when the mind
wandered, I still noticed it was incredibly hard to maintain over time, requiring
repetative re-centering to come back to the point. What did I want to
discover in life? I wanted to be awake! Alive and in the moment so I could
enjoy it all the more. That was my goal at the moment, and I looked for
inspiration to help. I looked at the way I acted in 'public' and how it was
different from my 'private/solitudanal self' and the 'professional' side I'd
found though my counselling practice. I saw past the 'social politnesses' of
life which actively held back my sponteneity and wild self; but still I
couldn't seem to break past the fear of actually being 'alive'! Thank god it
was nearly holiday time, which would hopefully give me plenty of time to
think things over.
Horoscope for 24th April 2003: "Madalyn Aslan
writes:I might put off that little trip you're thinking of taking, especially
if it starts on Saturday! You've got wonderful, marvellous luck beaming your
way and it's happening right in your own inner backyard. Finally, after
months (or years?) of not being listened to, not getting proper reward or
financial bonuses, you're ready to be a big success. And it's all coming from
you. A change of image has a great deal to do with it, so invest and take the
leap and do yourself proud. You'll be so happy that, even with that strange
new worker [partner], you won't mind a bit!" (c) Cainer.com
In the
meantime I wrote letters to my penpals and cheered them with kind words and
philosophy. I arranged to see Dawn on Friday (25th), and found bad news. She had
pulled the ligaments in her leg and all the lower leg was now in a thick
plaster cast. I went to see her straight from work and found her in good
spirits. A bunch of CDs and tapes I'd brought to cheer her up over the next 6
to 8 weeks of this parasite were appreciated and I made myself useful making
coffee. We talked about all sorts as usual in a kind of loose conversation
way. We didn't get on like a house on fire - but everything she said was so
interesting that I didn't mind hearing the same stories being told. As I sat
in the chair opposite, I noticed something profound. Love. I was still in
love with Dawn. Her movements, her grace, her words, even the accent in the
voice pulled my attention in like a magnet. I thought all that would have
faded by now - especially now she had a steady boyfriend, but no, it was
still there. When I got home I thought about it. I was actually gald I was in
this position, and hoped we would never get emotionally involved. We weren't
compatable and I knew it. We were opposite in so many ways, and I was sure a
deeper relationship would uncover our many negativities and completely
ruining our friendship. The life challenge as it presented itself was to love
Dawn for who she was - I couldn't help that! - and experience the art of
giving unconditionally. What an opportunity!
Something
else happened at dawns that night. I was making us both a coffee in the
kitchen when I saw a bunch of magnetic letters stuck on the fridge door. I
intended to write something funny, but instead I wrote 'Birt'. Why? It was my
dads name but why should I want to write it now? I'd had no intentions of
tracking him down - and it wasn't even in my sub-concious. This must have
been a message from spirit. Wierd.
At last I
kissed off the last hour of Saturday (26th) and broke though the door into a
week and a half of freedom. This holiday had been a long time coming, and I
was glad I'd broke up this dead time with the counselling residental weekend
back in January. But bad news. My finances could only stretch so far, and
that wasn't very far at all. But what the hell, holidays are more important
than work or money. I was still thinking about my problem of limited awarenss
when I was inspired with new information. During a channelling session, a
peice of paper I'd been handed long ago came to mind. I friend of Elwyns; who
would later become his girlfriend; spoke of a revolutionary group lecture at
a London college called the Landmark Forum where she encountered an amazing
grasp of life. I searched my mind to remember the stories she had mentioned
which had layn deep in my subconcious all this time. The next day I went on
the Internet to find out more, and found a long list of accounts and warnings
about attending such a psychological brain-washing experience. But there was
nothing which I thought I couldn't handle. I checked the dates in the UK and
sure enough, a Leeds date in November was just around the corner from my
world, and at only £275 for three intensive days it would work out cheaper
than leaving my house and belongings to go into the wilderness hoping to find
the same answer. After all, I could always save up a bit more cash and go and
do that the year after - and hopefully take more from it. I was inspired.
Monday
(28th) was to be the last day at college on the counselling level 2 course.
My folder was in a state of chaos - I hadn't looked at it during the two
weeks Easter break - so I decided to go into college early and complete it.
Thank God the computers and printer was working at last. I printed off all
the work and brought the folder up to scratch. I had used 68pence worth of
paper, but I'd only brought 50p with me. I hated short-changing anybody and
always insisted on paying my way fairly. I toyed with the idea of going home
and getting some more change, but the time was up and I had to get into class
for the lesson. I reluctantly put my 50p into the 'honesty' box and walked
over to the classroom. Dawn was on her way in. I opened the door for her as
she hobbled in on both crutches. The lesson was fairly brief. After the
opening round we were handed one final exercise. This time we had to write
down all the people who gave us support in our lives. This one was a brain
tester for me. I couldn't think of a single person who I counted on, or would
ring with personal issues - I always sorted my own problems out myself.
Family? No. Workmates? Definitely not. Friends? I went over to see friends on
occation but I would harly even mention personal things unless they came up
in conversation. I didn't have anybody to lean on except for myself. I
thought about it and was happy to leave it at that. Maybe this was
anti-social, or perhaps it was just being self-contained? The time passed and
Martin handed out a leaflet advertising a poetry night in a local pub where
he would be showcasing his works. The date was the next Thursday. He thought
I'd be on holiday, but I was already having second thoughts about that. Maybe
I could delay it a few days and still catch the show?
After what
seemed like a long delay, were were out of the classroom off to the pub. I
dropped Dawn and Donna off in the car park and headed for home to get some
money for drinks. Dawn had bought me a drink and I found a space near hert in
the corner. I wasn't as uncomfortable in pubs as I used to be. In this case
we were the only ones in there - and I knew everybody as friends. Still,
people were busy with their own conversations and I didn't feel the need to
go and make myself seem just to be included. The girls tried to include me,
and called me 'anti-social' for sitting outside the group. I didn't feel like
getting drunk and felt quite down that afternoon. The drink I did had just
made me more depressed - not what I wanted at all. Eventually people began to
leave and only a few of us remained. The others were going for a meal and
coerced our small gang into joining them. We set off to the local Itallian to
find it closed, so we doubled back to find an Indian just up the road. I
didn't feel like eating and had been quite looking forward to a quiet drink
with the girls after the others had left. Still, I was there. Concerned about
my dwindling funds (and still prioritising my holiday above everything else)
I ordered a simple appitiser. The night bacame more enjoyable as the booze
wore off and I came back to myself again. Mandy was opposite me at the table,
and my sober influence had brought the conversation down to give Mandy the
opportunity to pour her heart out about her own lifestyle. I couldn't give
her any advice or direction - I could only listen and hope I was helping her
think about her problems by talking about them. By now everybody had mellowed
and I was feeling quite happy again. My bill came to £4.40. I had £3.60 in my
pocket - short again!!! If this was a dream what was the message. What was
the lession I wasn't learning? Was I short-changing myself over my life?
Again I put the money in with little other option and hoped everything would
work out. It did. The gang left and headed our separate ways. Dawn left with
another woman and Mandy came with me to be dropped off at her house. Before
we parted, Dawn said she would like to go and see Martin at the pub the next
week. I wanted to go, and now Dawn sealed it. So the holiday was now arranged
for the following Saturday - after the poerty evening and the Psychic Supper
on Friday.
The week
continued at it's own pace, and the clock was gratefully put to one side.
Several things had to be done and over the next few days I set about moving
through them. The car had to be coated with underseal to protect the MOT
repaires from the weather - that took up nearly a full afternoon. Meals had
to be cooked, and cloths had to be washed. I still didn't have a washing
machine, and couldn't really afford one, so I used the bath instead. The
washing took a while, but one thing I was thankful for was the fact that the
spinner function on the washer was still working; all I had to do was stand
over it and turn the programme knob manually. I was so proud that I'd cleaned
my own cloths - and all the pain of bending over a bathtub seemed worth it.
On
Wednesday (30th) I called Martin to say I'd be able to come to the poetry
evening - he wasn't in. I called Dawn to ask if she was going and she said
she wouldn't be able to make it. Later on I was surprised to find Michael on
the other end of the phone. After a brief conversation, my mind turned to
questions of awareness. I asked him if he'd ever heard of the Landmark Forum.
'Of course, yes, I've attented many of their courses - and yes I'd recommend
them!' I should have known that Mike would know all about these matters,
although it never crossed my mind to even mention it before. He delivered a
hearty recommendation of the Forum as a means to grasping personal
'aliveness' and awareness. This is what I'd been looking for for so long, and
Mike had the key all this time - but maybe now I was ready to use it. He
convinsed me to go for it. While we were on the subject, Micheal inspired me
with another tid-bit to keep me keen. Cold Baths! The though of this really
turned me off but he insisted that a cold plung in the mornings would do
wonders to awaken my soul. I knew the Swedish swore by these methods - and I
once bathed in a waterfall to good effect - what the hell, I'd give it a go.
May
Martin
phoned a short time later to give me directions to the pub he was giving his
poetry in. It was further away than I'd anticipated, but Martin said there
would be an open forum at the beginning and end of his 45 minute session.
That clinched it - I'd be there - and I'd stand up and read two of my poems
to boot! The Guru and New Lines. I was glad I'd taken the cold bath to give
me the edge I needed to stand up in front of a pub full of people. I wasn't
scared. This was another opportunity to face my stupid fears of being seem in
public and exorsise the demon once again. Other people and situations
shouldn't bother anybody - we are only alive for such a short time anyway!
The day passed as I tried once more to clean up the house, with very limited
success. The time to set off to the gig came up. Dawn hadn't called - never
mind. The place was almost empty as I came in throught the pub doorway. I had
nothing to fear in this place - the rustic walls and decore set the mood for
an interesting evening. The woman who ran the occasion came in and I helped
her set up the tables in a room upstairs. Martin wasn't far behind, and so
was another accuaintance I knew from the college sessions. I put my name down
for a slot in the 'open mike' and the readings began. There was an amazing
mix of talent and direction. Some were so simple and yet powerful peices,
some were deep in unusual adjectives, some were songs, others were
limmericks. There was a very unusual peom of the old sea navy, and a man -
who looked a lot like an elf - stood up an inspired me with tales of fairys
and Irish magic. Then it was my turn. I took a deep breath and began to
rattle my way though New Lines almost without seeing the words as I read
them. About half way though I took hold of my sences and tried to grasp the
moment to develop my delivery skills. I slowed down a little and the
presentation turned slightly more profound. The audience seemed to give me a
warm round of applause at the end; buy I didn't really take it in - I was
hesitating ready to lauch my next poem. I'd performed The Guru at the
Spiritualist church last year so I had a good idea of how to present it by
now - although I was still racing through it. Another good feeling as these
seasoned poets clapped my work as I sat down. I was dying to ask somebody how
they thought I did, but resisted it knowing it would take away any air of
professionalism I might have given. Martin stood up and gave another half an
hour of his material. At the end of the night I was so glad to have postponed
the holiday and gone to find the place - if only I didn't have to work late
nights I would love to return to this kind of forum.
The next
day (2nd) I was looking forward to the Psychic Supper - and Mike had invited
me up to a private party afterwards. The passed quickly and soon I was on my
way into Blackburn. In my imagination I'd anticipated all my friends from the
church would be there and we'd have a good long natter. That wasn't to be -
only six or seven people from the Blackburn church were there, and I ended up
on a table with people I didn't know at all. They weren't talking much
either. I was the last to go upstairs to the reading tables, but still hoped
for a good message. The medium was someone I respected, but I couldn't take
any of the evidence he presented me with. Still, most of the messages sounded
about right...
"I
have your uncle here who wishes to speak. [I didn't know I had one!] You seem
to be looking in all direction at the moment looking for a way though..
should I go this way or that way - it looks like the branches of a Christmas
tree. This year you'll climb up and move thought the tree and by December
you'll be at the top. You psychic skills are developing - you can hear and
you can also see; although you don't admit it to yourself [in fact I had not
seen anything up to that point]. You work with energies - concentrate on the
Silvers and Gold colours [crystals] and you'll advance to where you're going.
By the end of the year you'll be giving me a message! I can also see you're
looking at different aspects of religion - taking bits from here and there -
but something at the end of the year will clear your eyes and make you wonder
why you did all this - something will explain things [the Landmark Forum?]. I
can see you involved in psychology. You'll keep on learning all this year.
They are saying you look at your watch quite often, like you are constantly
running around. "
Afterward I
came down with a sinking feeling of dissappointment - as if I'd been hoping
for some miracle massage to show me my direction clearly; but I was still in
the dark about almost everything. A full buffet was on the table as I came
down, and there was just enough left to fill my plate. Going back into the
main hall I was alone on my table. I ate my meal in silence and then left.
Under any other circumstances I'd be happy eating separate from the others -
I did it everyday at work - but for some reason I felt a bit low tonight. I
left and went up to the party to comiserate our local Green Party
representitive for narrowly loosing the local election. I only knew two
people there and one - Micheal - left soon after I entered the scene. I knew
I didn't fit in will these hippy types and local reprobates, but I wen't into
one of the yurts and stayed about an hour. Hardly anybody spoke to me and left
me to sit on my own. I didn't particulary want to associate either - and
could sence nothing we had in common or anything that I would want to talk
about.
By now it
was already Saturday (3rd) and my holiday time was half way though; I was
only just betting used to the idea of not having to work. I was spending far
too long in bed for my own good, and my dreams were patchy. I plunged myself
into my second cold bath hoping for better results than the first time -
there was a definite feeling of sharpness in the mind afterwards - but the
pain of getting into the bath in the first place was outweighting these
benefits. I stood outside and breathed the fresh air in the garden for a
while - which gave me a good appitite - and then played a heavy rock number
to dance away the demons of a lazy mind. By now I was wide awake, sharp
enough to think clearly, and quite cheerful. But what about my travel plans?
I checked out the weather reports on the teletext service - the foresight
wasn't good - plenty of rain. This was just enough to put me off going, and I
senced my plans to see the Lakes in springtime had now gone up in smoke.
Reluctantly I went onto the internet and, after speaking to Bevery from the
Glory Hole the day before, I was enthused by the idea of extending the web
site I'd built for her to include live internet ordering though a credit
card. I found two free sites which offered a full shopping-cart service and
credit delivery into a bank for as little as 5p per transaction. I went over
to see Bev with my thoughts and then came back to set up her shopping-cart
service. It took a while but the results were good. I hoped the sceme would
run as smoothly as my imagination predicted it would be. With that out of the
way I went over to a local shop and picked up a few new games for the PS1 and
the Beatles Anthology 3 of CD. Dawn didn't pick up the phone when I called to
ask if I could come around to pickup some of my stuff - and a quick detour
around to her place proved she wasn't in after all. But as if by magic, one
of the games I'd found for the PS1 was the very one I'd been looking for for
about two years - reconfirming that my wishes take at least this long to come
to fruition.
By Bank
Holiday Monday (5th) I was determined to break free of the house and head out
into the sunshine. My plan was to go up to a woodland/picnic area I knew,
which would be full of bluebells at this time of year. Sure enough, the place
was carpeted all around with hues of blue and green to enliven my spirits.
The walking was easy, and I took the time to admire the tremendous landscape
as I walked as slowly as I could through the forrest along it's many woven
pathways. What a luxury! After a while I strayed off the path and slipped
away into a quiet glad to take in the atmosphere. Hidden away with my back
against a tree, I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of the birds and
the rustle of leaves. The violet blue energy was awakening my brow chakra
with a subtle light that seemed to reach into the depths of my heart and
touch it with the grace of peace. I breathed deeply on the wood scented air
and let time slip away.
The sun was
begining to loose it's light and I decided to run off to some new destination
before it went down. I studied the map and found another forest not so far
away to the west. I was in high spirits. I put on a club/trance tape, turned
it up loud, and rolled down the window. I took my time to drive though the
town before building upto a steady speed as I moved once more into the
country. But I had forgotten the effect that music had on me in the car.
Heavy rock or club music with a driving beat tended to make me drive faster
and without the usual attention to the road. I lost my way as I got near the
forrest turnoff and had to look at the map. I found a shortcut up an old
single-track road that would bring me out in just the right place. The music
was turned up full and my driving became irratic and wreckless. I passed farm
building to my right but didn't see a car emerging from the farm entrance.
With a frantic wrap on the wheel I dived to the side of the road and missed
the front of the turning car by inches. I looked back in my rear view mirror.
The car was still there - frozen half way into the road. But my mind was
racing and I left it behind, half congratulating myself for my good driving.
The shock and anger of the driver didn't enter my mind - some kind of
negative speech and thought must have been aimed at me as I disappeared
around the next corner. It didn't take too long for this Karma to rebound
back to have it's justice. I put this behind me and didn't give it another
thought as I wandered around the dark pine forest and picked up bark and
pine-cones to decorate my bathroom window ledge. As usual, the spirits were
watching all this going on. If they were going to make a point - and to stop
this happening again - what could they do? What would you do? A few days
later I found the door was unlocked on the car. Strange, I thought. As I got
in I noticed a new hole in my dashboard - my radio had been stolen!
In the
meantime I had one more day of holiday left (6th), and Martin was due around
my place after lunch. He had been a bit low recently and his Depression
sometimes came up from just under the surface. Still, the weather was
brightening and I hoped spiring would install a glimmer of light into his
soul. I was glad of his friendship and really wanted him to have a good day
today, so I put out a wish and arranged for us to up to a local private
record dealer for the therapy I knew he enjoyed the best - buying music. He
can around and was surprised to hear I had made plans. From then on the day
was bright and sunny. I was enjoying a new enthusisam for 70's rock music,
and I knew Martin would be able to point me into the direction of some good
titles. He did, and I spent £70 that day on ten albums. I enjoyed being back
in this secret treasure trove again, but I enjoyed seeing Martin happy even
more. We left a while later and went straight over to Asda for a snap
shapping spree. But the magic wasn't over yet. As soon as we arrived in the
car park, Martin walked straight over to a guy he used to live with - and
hadn't seen for perhaps 15 or 20 years. After they'd caught up with each
other we walked through the door and bumped into another friend from so long
ago. Martin could hardly tear himself away but when he did he muttered 'I'm
going to have to stop dumping into these people - oh my god! there's another
one!'. A third character appeared on the stage, but this time Martin was
worried the store may become too overcrowded for him and he didn't spend too
long with her. Nearly an hour had passed since we'd arrived and we store and
Martin was now determined to get it over with. We walked directly to certain
items in the store and made out way around. Oh no, he was too late to pickup
a stick of cheese topped bread. Faced with the threat of this shaddowing his
day, I turned around and found a single one hinding away on a nearby shelf.
He was surprised at this magic but his scepticism towards these things kept
him from saying so. At last we reached the checkouts and I saved him £2 using
my discount card. On our way out Martins mind relaxed again - and we bumped
into another guy he hadn't seen in ages! Maybe he was realising how many
friends he had. We went back to him place and played a few of my albums. He
was having a great day and was enjoying every minute of it. I was glad
everything went along with my true intentions of seeing him happy again.
Work was a
chore once more as I came back into the building I knew all too well. The
first day back dragged, and I felt weary, bored, and pissed off all at the
same time. I was completely wasting my time. But my energetic streak - which
had been corsing though my veins for a few months now, kept me motivated and
I got my head down. Working hard was the only way to get any kind of job
satisfaction in that place. I came home at last and relaxed on the computer.
The doorbell went, it was Simon. I was glad to see him - I hadn't seen him in
such a long time and his presence gave me the just light relief I needed to
cheer up. In fact I cheered up so much that I began to talk faster and faster
at the night wore on. We talked about allsorts, and the fact that I was
learning so much from Martin and my other friends ment I had plenty to talk
about for a change. Funny how 'getting a life' worked a strange kind of
magic. He took back a video recorder he'd lent me to copy a few things and
promised to let me have another go with it later. But the next day at work
was no better. After having found my radio had been stolen earlier that day I
was in a 'down' mood for the rest of it. It reminded me of a dream I'd had a
few nights before. In the dream I was at Glastonbury once again. This time
there was a free event going on - an 'open mike' slot on a huge stage for
people to talk about life and the world they lived on. My turn on stage was
approaching but I realised I'd gone deaf. Frantically I tried to clean out
the wax from my ears and hear again. All the stage performers were nervous,
and I went onto the toilets to find most of them being sick. I came back to
find I'd gone deaf again - and I was still trying to hear when my turn on
stage was about to begin. Then I woke up. What was I deaf to? I guessed I was
deaf to spirit, and that I should be learning more. But in a dreambook I
found that deafness predicted an unfortunate event which would leave me
depressed. I passed it off at the time - what nonsence!
I'd had an
idea. For some reason I was full of ideas that week, and half of them were
instantly doable. This one involved Dawn. I'd got it into my mind that Dawn
would be disabled for the next 8 months or so, and that she needed something
to help her fetch and carry from the kitchen. I designed a remote-control
trolley in my mind which she could use to transport things around but stil
have both hands free to use her crutches. All I needed with a remove vehicle.
On Friday (9th) I called around the Asdas to find one. Colne Asda had just
the thing so I arranged to have one saved and went over there after work. The
place was very well lit and professionally organised - not like our place -
and I soon found what I was looking for. Unfortunately, the toy wasn't remote
operated at all, and had a long trailing wire which would get in the way. Oh
well, I'd have to check the Argos catalogue instead. I was reminded of a
horoscope which now made perfect sence:
Horoscope for Friday 9th Mat "Mars and Neptune are
forming a conjunction. With each passing day these two planets are growing
closer. That's why you are under so much pressure. It is also why you are now
in such a strong position. You feel deeply motivated. You know you must try
your hardest to make something happen and you rightly suspect that if you put
in enough effort, you will get a good result. Don't be talked out of your big
idea. Don't assume an ambition is unattainable. Don't let a small setback put
you off. You are due to make some very impressive progress this weekend.
" (c) Cainer.com
The next
day was another slog. I was putting in the effort but by now my legs were
dragging my feet around; which made sliding noises on the floor as they
moved. The jobs came thick and fast, and I didn't have time to make time for
anything! By the end of the day I was looking forward to going to see Dawn as
we had arranged earlier that week. I arrived to find she was on the computer,
and we went upstairs. I still felt weary, and couldn't bring myself to make
much effort in conversation. I showed her a fun 'wierd thoughts' site on the
net which kept Dawn laughing for more of the night. She told me that she had
only 8 more weeks to go before the leg plaster was off - bang went my idea!
Maybe the horosope was talking about something else? Before I left she gave
me her old mobile phone (my first mobile!!) and she read a new poem I'd
written about cannabis. I was ready for a smoke by now, and went home to melt
into the sofa. I came up with lots of good philosophy that night - including
how to let go of fears, predjudices, snap judgements, and anything else I
wanted to improve (switch on) of retard (switch off) just like flicking a
switch. It was 5 in the morning when I went to bed but was treated to my
first Lucid dream of the year before I awoke around 4:30 the following
afternoon. It was only a small one, but I was definitely in control of it.
This sharpened my mind to the possibility of having these dreams. I realised
one or two things had come together to help this happen. Malachite was under
my pillow (placed there only the night before to help get rid of my stress
headache), the moon was 3/4 full, and my personal energies were high. I'd
placed my smoky quartz pyramid on my head the night before and found my root
chakra was on fire with the flames of Kundalini.
The weekend
passed quickly. Ants, who had invaded my kitchen a few days earlier, reminded
me to be more organised with food and money. I wasn't too bothered to be
honest. My actions at work may still have been going undefiably strong, but
my attutude at home was casual enough to become rather annoying. I was even
lazy enough to miss church on Sunday - my first miss in a very long time! I
called up my Mother on the following Monday (12th) afternoon. We talked about
my recent psychic supper and she confirmed I did have an Uncle after all. In
fact he was one of my Godfathers! I was surprised to hear this news - which
seemed to insignificant for my Mothers to mention for all these years, and
yet made all the difference to me. She said he was called Eric and lived in
Nelson. If this was my fathers brother, he would surely know how I could
contact him. A short time afterwards I had the urge to find a Nelson based E
Waddington in the phone book. I found two - bother of whom had never heard of
an Eric Waddington. Well of course not - if he was coming though to me from
spirit he mustn't be still alive! - but I had to try. Funny. I'd never had
the urge to contact my Dad before. I remembered I'd written the name 'Birt'
on Dawns fridge door the month before. Was all this building up to something?
Somewhere in the back of my mind I wouldn't have minded contacting the guy.
In the meantime I took my new mobile to a friends shop and bought a Simm card
for it. Again, bad news. The battery had gone - leaving me with an extra £8
to find.
Martin came
around the next day and got me out of bed. I showed him my latest poem
entitled 'The Smoke'. I encouraged him to give me an honest comment on it. He
wasn't in such as sparkling mood, and he didn't hesitate to point out the bad
bits before noting one good one. I took his comments on board and changed the
words around later. Later that day, I sat down to write a
semi-poem/semi-story called 'Abigail', which ran a bit like a drama. This was
inspired by the sound of a Mother calling for her daughter, which I'd heard
one morning around that time. I'd see what Martin thought about this one! I
finished another load of washing in the bath before giving up on the
housework for another week. Then I got to work typing in all the mobile
numbers into my new phone and texting everybody to let them all know.
Back at
work on Wednesday (14th) I had another (and hopefully final) case of 'bad
luck'. I'd lost my dinner card. There wasn't any money left on it, but they
cost £5 to replace. What with the phone and other small expenses over the
last week or so (no to mention the lost car radio and the washing machine) I
had to wonder were all this was going. Still, hopefully a run of good luck
(karma) in the future would leave me better off when I needed it most. At
least I managed to get another dinner card pretty quickly. Pay day later that
week also offered light relief. The fact that I wasn't in the red anymore
(for a change) gave me that extra freedom to splash out on a few trivial
luxuries.
Around this
time, I was made aware yet again of my dreams, and several things came
together all at once - in my head anyway. For a day nights now, my dreams had
been forewarning me of changes in the future. First of all there was the
recurring dream of being late for school. This dream had been bugging me for
years - what did it mean? Finally this week I worked it out. It didn't mean I
was being delayed in my career or finances after all, and I was beginning to
get quite frustrated that my dreams were saying I should move on when plainly
I couldn't. No, it was something else. It finally dawned on me that the dream
was telling me that subconciously I felt like I was a 'late starter' in life,
particularly relationship wise. My labido was a tempremental thing; I could
go months without even thinking about girls, and then months without getting
them out of my mind. The dreams showed me that I was, and I had always been,
silently concerned that I had never got anywere with the opposite sex - and
hadn't particularly been trying either. Everybody said a girl would hold me
back spiritually, and I knew I'd just what to settle down and forget about my
ideas of going off and seeing the world if I had a girlfriend. So at last
that was sorted out, but that paved the way for more revealing dreams. Now I
dreamed I wasn't late for school at all - now I was on time!, and I found
myself walking along a path following a trail of coins (small change on the
way) and picking up a gold coin along the way (a more significant change).
But did I want a girlfriend now? The following nights dream highlighted both
sides of my internal turmoil by showing me having a blazing argumant with my
mother; again a dream I'd had on a number of occasions. But a third dream put
it all into perspective. I dreampt I was kissing a woman I'd fancied a few
years ago now. Kissing dreams always predicted just what they symbolised -
love.
I was still
thinking about what all this ment as I headed into the spiritualist church on
Monday (19th) night. This was the first time I'd been back since the counselling
cource finished and I quite enjoyed feeling my third-eye tingling again.
About half way through the night, a lady next to me stood up and gave me a
message from my Grandad. She said he was very faint, and we were never that
close anyway, but he told me about a 'hippy' relation who had recently passed
over. I wondered if that was my late uncle Eric? "Do you know a
Jamie", she said. 'Yes', I replied, remembering that Jamie was a girl I
used to fancy at work. Was this another sign? Later that week I saw Jamie a
few times. She looked very sad, but, I was reminded all too clearly why she
wasn't the girl for me, and I let it go. I knew my standards were high, but
if I did manage to find a girl who could fit perfectly, I knew I'd find my
perfect match, and the resulting relationship would be full of love and and
mutual affection. I really couldn't let myself be drawn to anything less or
I'd always be on the lookout for something else, and I wouldn't be able to
give myself completely to her. Another girl I knew had always fancied me
worked in a local music shop. I found myself in there that week too, and was
again reminded of my quest. She was nice, quite plain looking, but kind of
interesting. In the mood I was in I wondered if she's come into Asda again so
I could talk to her. But there was no major pull to sort it out on the spot.
No, this wasn't 'The One'. I'd just have to hold onto my cards a while
longer.
Horoscope for Friday 23rd "So here you are, at the
top of a diving board. Way down below you can see what you hope is a large
pool of water. Are you ready to jump? Well, if not, what are you doing up
here? You have picked a fine time to decide you don't much fancy the
adventure. Is it possible to shuffle back to the steps and make your way back
down? Probably - but do you really need to make such an undignified retreat?
Your doubts and misgivings are only natural. You have, after all, placed
yourself in a difficult position. But as long as you now act with courage and
clarity, you will yet attain a triumphant result." (c) Cainer.com
My dreams
carried on forcasting changes throughout the week. Friendly dogs harolded new
friendships. Planes flying at speed across a landscape showed my plans were
'taking off', and holidays in the sun showed that things were going to get a
bit brighter. On Saturday (24th) I felt like I needed an early break, and
walked into the comfy room at a very unusual time for me. I didn't feel like
a cigarette, I just wanted to grab some comfort food - the day was plain
mayhem. But who should walk through the door but a girl I'd seem on the
checkouts who I'd always thought was so beautiful. She was in her teens, had
such a cute face and proportions which draw me in like a magnet. I'd seen her
around, but had always thought she was so out-of-my-league. Anyway, this
golden moment couldn't be lost. I played it cool and asked her about her
college studies. He was just finishing a graphic design course. Wow! What an
idea! Maybe this was the idea I had been waiting for - my next new course? A
few days later I'd make enquiries about the very same at the local college.
In the meantime, Lindsay was there and very interesting. She seemed keen to
hear about my web sites and I wasted no time writing down the addresses for
her. She promised to look for then what she got home that night. Another
member of staff walked in and dirturbed my flow before things got any more
exciting, and shortly after Lindsay left.
After that
I was on a high for the rest of the day. Everybody was off on holiday,
leaving me to run the whole department from mid-afternoon onwards. I'd have
to shut the music desk down early to pull the gardening things in from
outside; but this was impossible due to the neverending line of customers
demanding music and video products. Half in desperation I called over a
checkout manager. She could see how I could shut down the desk early - the
customers would cause a riot. A flash of inspiration followed and I asked
whether a porter couldn't bring in the stuff from outside and then I could stop
on the desk. Sorted!! She went away and solved my problem, and I took a deep
breath as I plunged into another line of customers. Later that night, when
everybody else had gone home, I was still on a high. It's surprising just how
far a little love can go in my life. I found myself whistling and even
singing along to the songs on the instore radio - I didn't care who listned.
It would be so easy to fall head-over-heels for this girl. She fit into my
ideas of the ideal girl like a well-worn glove. Surely that was too good to
be true. Surely. When I got home I took a smoke and thought about it. I was
sure I'd seen her with a boyfriend in the store some time ago. Any guy worth
his salt would never let this girl go - they must still be together. Oh well,
I'd have to wait and see if fate brought us together again so I could ask.
According to my theories on Fate, if this was ment to be then our thoughts
for each other would bring us together through personal magnetism - and if
not then we would end up keep missing each other. At least Lindsay had shown
me one thing already - that the ideal girl could be found on this planet
after all - and all I had to do was to keep the faith. I would certainly be
back in that comfy room at same time next week to find out.
Horoscope for week commencing Saturday, 24th May 2003:
"People's true motives are not always easy to read. Some claim to be
selfless yet on closer inspection their actions begin to seem very selfish.
Some pretend that they merely want to be sensible, yet after a while, their
craziness becomes all too apparent. Why do you now want what you want? How
can you be sure that a certain someone is levelling with you? If their real
needs turn out to be different, won't yours change too? This week, a hidden
agenda comes to the surface. That doesn't though, do as much as you might
think to change your perspective or plan. Regardless of who is trying to play
out a role and who is being sincere, you are now doing the only thing that
can possibly be right under the circumstances. Stick at it." (c)
Cainer.com
I calmed
down from my seventh heaven over the weekend and further dreams showed me
that I may not be living in an ideal world after all. Earthquakes with
tremendous smoke showed me that changes would happen, but maybe things
wouldn't be as they at first appeared to be - and a snooker game also offered
signs of difficulties. At least I'd found where the major weakness lay in my
psyche and was ready to face up to a few changes if the opportunity should
arrise. According to my dreams, there was a very good chance of it. The
spiritualist church on Sunday (25th) proved interesting, and the major
philosophy I learned was that 'No effort is wasted'. The cinema was my next
target and I sat down to watch the amazingly enjoyable Matrix Reloaded.
Amoung the trailers for the film I noticed one for 'The Last Samurai'. Shock
tore at my guts as I realised a film idea I'd been working on - called the
'Last Ninja' was now almost useless. Maybe it was too much to hope for. I'd
contacted a local script promoter on the internet but had yet to hear
anything. If 'No effort is wasted' when why was this opportunity closing in
my face? Maybe the long-term picture would offer me some news. The next day I
went over to see Dawn and enjoyed a very interesting evening. About half way
though she offered to put on her copy of the X-men2 movie. Yet again magic in
action. I had inteded to go to see this film in the cinema the week before.
Something had diverted my intentions, but now I was being given the chance to
see it anyway - and afterwards I was glad I hadn't spent a fiver on it after
all (good but not that good). Another two hours later and we were still
chatting away about all sorts, and it was maybe half-past-two before I
emerged into the night to find some food and sleep.
The rest of
the week was mostly a plain affair. My interest for the eseteric followed on
from the amazing 'Lighted Path' which I lent to Dawn on Tuesday. Now I found
myself picking up 'The Beginners Guide to Astral Travel' which I'd bought way
back in August last year at the truely amazing spiritualist college at
Stanstead. Something had keep me back until now, but as I got into it I found
this Spring was the most ideal time to try it. Not much happening at work
except for the usual slog; but at least the weather had cleared up and the
outlook was very bright, hot and sunny. I got outside as much as I could to
get into the sunshine, and took my time to waster the plants outside. I was
on the lookout for Lindsay but only caught her glances. I made sure I asked
her if she'd seen my website, and she replied positively, but I waited in the
comfy room on Saturday only for her not to show up. I thought that if fate
had brought us together then at least it would have brought her back to me
the week after. No such luck, and no e-mails off her either even after a
promise to send me one. My days of being swept away with the thought of a
girlfriend were thankfully long gone. I weighed everything up and didn't lust
or swoon over something which may not even begin. My dreams were warning me
to take it easy, so I did.
More bad
karma followed this week. I slipped out on an errand one breaktime only to be
caught by my supervisor as she waited outside a nearby bowling alley. I also
got fined £30 for being late to buy a tax disc for the car. Was all this bad
luck happening for a reason? After work on Saturday (31st) I relaxed with a
smoke and thought about everything that was going on. I was in a very good
position, and was enjoying plenty of interesting conversations and
friendships. One thing which did hit me with a bang was the fact that
Glastonbury was less than four weeks away now. Did I want to go? Last year I
was so sure I was going to be there that all the obstacles the world threw at
me to prevent it were blown away by my own enthusisam. This year my mood was
less definite, and even though I enjoyed it very much and was looking forward
to it again, the myst surrounding it's presence in my year was blocking my
connection with it. If I was going I'd have to make up my mind and lay plans.
During this time I came up with the theory of 'Natural Therapy' and how I
could try it out at Glastonbury. This involved Counselling, followed by Reiki
and then a tarot spead; which would all help to alliviate a problem in
someones life. That night I dreamed of running downhill trying to catch up
with a bus - a bad sign? This method would involve getting to know the cards
and Reiki again, so I got out the tarot and did a spread for my love life.
Surprisingly, the spread for Lindsay was very positive and predicted a
friendship at the very least. My horoscope also read my love-life like a
book:
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 31st May:
"It is as if the rulebook is being rewritten. You are no longer obliged
to respect restrictions imposed upon you for so long. You can start to do
things differently. You can shake off old fears and exploit fresh
opportunities. In order to do all this, what great step must you take? A very
simple one. You must learn to value yourself! Too often, you decide that
because you have a head full of ideas that never get acted on, there must be
something wrong with you. Actually though, that's just yet more proof of how
much there is right with you. You always consider many options, but you only ever
take those which are most appropriate for your deepest inner need. Any moment
now you will see a near-perfect solution to an old problem. " (c)
Cainer.com
June
June, was a
real blinder of a month - just as it was last year! Awakening?! No, that's not
quite the word, but something near. What is it about June? Maybe I'm a late
spring person. Anyway, the first day of June (Sunday) was nothing short of
amazing. Sometimes you wait a full week to get one piece of good and
interesting news and then get the whole lot in just one day. I spent most of
the day playing around and cooking. In the afternoon I visited the church for
the usual weekly inspiration. There were few cars parked outside today, and I
guessed the medium wasn't too well known amoung the congregation. As it
turned out he was well know, and had just come back from a tour of the major
cities of Europe and America. His name was Keith Martin. I didn't know what
to expect as he bounded up on the platform full of drive and enthusiasm, but
as I began to listen to the philosophy I noticed all the more things were
making sence. My usual liquid wandering mind was begining to be naturally
drawn into his words with a concentration I always enjoyed while in the
company of the best mediums. To this day I can't remember what he talked
about, but by the end my focus was pin sharp and I didn't miss a thing after
that. He began his mediumship straight after the philosophy and went to a
woman in the top corner of the room. After that he gave each visitor to the church
a message; going along each row one by one so as to not miss anyone out. I
always liked to sit on the back row so that I could see everybody getting in
the room, so my turn came quite quickly.
"Can I
come to the young man at the back..? Why are you being so defeatist? They are
saying you aren't normally a pessimist so why are you such a defeatist now?
Any why are you acting 'dumb' all the time, your hiding yourself away in the
corner hoping nobody will notice or ask you to do anything important or hard.
Don't be. The lady I have with me; who says she's your great grandmother;
says you know you are intelligent, and you are capable - she's seen the light
coming from your that only she and your mother has seen. I'll tell you a
story... Once I was asked to build a laminated floor to a room. I'm not very
handy so I asked spirit to help - and you know what, I wouldn't be affraid to
show anybody that floor I made - it was absolutely perfect, my wife was
amazed. They are saying not to be afraid to ask and they will always be
around you. You are concerned about your health arn't you? [A bit of stress
that's all..]. Well they say that the pains you've been having around the
back of your shoulder-blades and around the back of your neck will go away
soon, they are making sure everything will be ok for you."
He was so
spot on with his details that I couldn't help taking everything he had to say
on board. Yes I did hide myself away at work, and although I seemed to be
putting the effort in these days, I was stull playing dumb - not just at work
but also with my frinedships as well. I did have pain in the exact places he
spoke of, and I had been trying to sort them out. Over the next week I tried
crystals and reiki to help sooth out the tention. I also got into the habbit
of relaxing every part of my body before sleep (as described in the Astral
Projection book) so that I could start each night and next day with a clean
sheet as it were. As for the defeatism, I had been thinking this not just
about my web site and possibly career, but also more importantly about
Lindsay. I could tell the gift I was shown from spirit was there to help me
overcome my trepidation of women and particularly relationships. What did I
have to loose? Later that night I visited Dave, a friend from my first
counselling course, in which I tried to be my natural intelligent self. I
hadn't seen him for so long because I thought our friendship had all but
dried up. He didn't seem to appreciate my company sometimes. Not things were
a little different and I was made very welcome.
After that I
made up my mind to approach Lindsay one way or another, but what could I do?
What would be the easier way to ensure my feelings wouldn't be stamped on. I
hated rejections with a pain from so very long ago, I could still feel the
ancient echos of hurt long forgiven but not forgotten. I decided to write he
a love letter to introduce myself. That way she would feel quite flattered
and I couldn't image how she could hurt my feelings then. I asked her if she
had a boyfriend and if he tret her with the respect and love she deserved in
her life. I also told her just how attractive I found her to be, and showed
my feelings on the hand written page - scrawled with my 'lucky' pen. I also
reiki'd the page to send as much positive energy to the situation as I could.
The next day
(3rd) I went over to Martins place and chilled out while he played me all
kinds of new music. Again I tried not to play down to him, and again this
worked. Just like Dave, he too found himself talking about often quite deep
things in a respectful kind of way. Later I offered to drive him over to his
friends house in Haslingdon - just down the road from Dawn. During the
journey I poured my heart out about Lindsay and the love letter. He didn't
say anything and just let me unload some of my frustration a bit.
The week
continued with a major bang as I came into work on the Wednesday. I didn't
see Lindsay but I did see Nathan; who I'd seen talking to her the week
before. I used my skills to appear innocent but loaded my questions to find
out more. As it happened, he was Lindsays Ex-boyfriend, and they only split
up a very short time ago. That was why I'd seen him looking so lost and
miserable. I asked a little bit about her - not too much - and ended by
asking if he woun't mind me asking her out. He didn't mind. After that I made
contact with Nathan all week to make sure he was ok with me as a person - the
last thing I needed was a jealous boyfriend around the corner. Unfortunately
this really put a bamppener on my day and I went around quite miserable after
that - after all, I'd gotten myself all psyched up ready to give her the love
letter. Nathan recommended I leave it quite some time to let things settle. I
couldn't do that...
Lindsey
wasn't at work the next day and again I had to rest on my laurels. Still I
didn't give up. Finally came the day of reconing on Friday (6.6.03). By this
time I'd been able to reflect on the letter and realise that was not
completely inappropriate and far too strong for the situation. Then I saw her
at dinner time in the far corner of the room. I lost my appitite, and made
small talk with the guy next to me - I couldn't consentrate on anything he
was saying and had to just nod in all the right places. In the end I got up
to put my tray away and saw Lindsey was having quite a friendly conversation
with yet another guy!! I walked out, determined to 'chat' to him later and
find out yet more. Fortunately he was having a long work-shy conversation in
the warehouse yard with a few others I knew. I tagged along and looked
interested until I could ask a few things. "So how's your love life
going?", "Oh I'm seeing Gemma from the bakery", he replied.
"Oh, I thought I saw you talking with Linday earlier on...", "Yeah,
I went to school with her..." etc. In the end I managed to learn a lot
of good stuff about Lindsay, including the fact that she didn't much like
Clubbing or pop music either - very good news. We walked together onto the
shop-floor and I told him I was struggling to get up enough courage to ask
her out. Amazingly he gave me the simple idea of buying a few groceries and
going to her checkout to pay for them. Then I'd be in just the right position
to ask. My nerves jangled for the next couple of hours as I decided to leave
it until the queues were less busy - just before 8pm so that I could catch
her before she left for home.
Matters
were stired even more when the girl I was working with failed to come back
off a break at 7:25. It was quarter-two by the time she appeared! I didn't
have time to even be mad at her, I just shrugged off her feeble excuse as I
hurridly passed her on my way over to the flower stall. My plan was to buy
the two things I most needed (eggs and toilet-roll) as well as a bunch of
flowers to give to her as a gift. The queue was long on her checkout so I
patiently stood just behind objects so that she didn't see me coming. Finally
I revealed myself just as the last person was about to pay for their things.
Then... disaster struck! The girl I was working with decided to put a call
out for me over the tannoy. I cracked a joke with Lindsay about it and
quickly - and yet casually - packed my stuff into two separate bags. Another
call came over the tannoy! I took a deep breath and followed my payment with
the immortal words. "Lindsay, do you fancy going out with me
sometime." For a moment there was silence. Then she said she'd think
about it and let me know using the e-mail address she'd found on my web site.
I managed to inhail a breath before passing the tight-budded pink carnations
to her, "these are for you." She blushed and said 'Thank-you' so
sweetly that I went pink and half hid an embarraced smile. At last, after all
the talk, all the build-ups and let-downs, after all the anticipation I'd
actually done it. I walked around to where my assistant was waiting saying
"you picked a fine time to call me!!". When I got home I found an
e-mail waiting in the post. She loved the flowers and said she'd love to go
out with me sometime - as friends for now. I didn't mind that. Somehow that
was just the icing on the cake of overcoming my fear. I wrote her a letter
back and mentioned a few interesting bits about myself. Again I was sure I'd
gone too far and could have saved most of it for a first date - but hey - so
what?
The second
week of June was a turbulant affair, full of mixed up feelings and a wirlwind
of steps stumbling to find the right direction. I didn't receive anymore
e-mails from Lindsey - or anybody for that matter - or phone calls for
Glastonbury, which added yet more grey clouds for the storm. On Monday (9th)
I returned to the sactuary of the Awareness class for the first time in what
seemed a very long time. Her at least I could be myself, to stretch out my
spiritual wings and think about less solid matters. This time we went into
groups of four or five people. Each was assigned a group leader and drawn
into a meditation to hopefully dig up psychic vibrations. I was in a very
small group of unknowns in the corner of the room, and was given the
honourable job of group leader. At last I had the chance to come into my own.
I slowly brought everybody back out of meditation and asked who would like to
start. The first woman seened to have an interesting story to tell - one
which I instantly recognised as a mirror to my own world.
"I can
see a boat on a stormy sea", she revealed, "Up and down on the
water without direction. Being tossed about in the waves. I can see three
poeple on the boat. Then a hand comes out from the clouds and lifts the boat
into a safe harbour. The three people are brought closer together by the
storm and feel stronger for it. I can see a box of energy waiting to be
opened."
My mind had
been bouncing along my emotional sea for a few days now, and I'd been asking
for help. Several things which I hoped to see in the near future were still
shrounded in cloud and I couldn't see clearly what was going on. According to
the message, I be taken safely to a position of relaxed thought very soon,
and that the ideas and untapped energies would soon be unleashed. The group
went around in a circle and I managed to guide the others into giving really
good messages. I just seemed to be tuned in. I let the words flow out of my
mouth unchecked - as if I was making it all up! - and somehow it just made
perfect sense. Even a woman who thought she didn't have any message at all
managed to inspire me into giving a message. I described a situation in which
someone felt powerless to help someone close. Somebody took it. When it came
to my turn to give a message I froze with sudden mental block. I didn't
panic, and at last one single world appreaded in my mind to take me though
the whole message. I was also inspired to give the name 'Mark' and I saw a
red car (which changed from red to a grey/blue colour). Not only did Mark fit
into the message perfectly, but he also drove a red car until recently - then
he changed it to a grey one! After that I was on a high all night. I drove
home past Micheals house hoping to ask about Glastonbury - no joy. I tried
Mikes home and phone a few times over the week with no success. A voice
nagged in my ear to consider my travel arrangments. If I didn't book a seat
on the bus soon I may not get on it.
At work I
was still keeping an eye out for Lindsey. About half way though the week I
decided to write her another e-mail to feel the way a little more. I
explained one or two more things about my self and how I was now being drawn
towards TV and script work all of a sudden. I thanked her for inspiring me
with the Graphic Design idea - something I had intended to go though with at
one point - but now I had more tricks up my sleave. A couple of weeks
earlier, I'd managed to catch Mike at home and we enjoyed a wonderful
conversation together about his latest trip abroad to a dance camp - and the
major happenings what went on along the way. The story was so fantasical, and
yet so very very true, that I instantly thought this story would make very
good reading. At the time I asked Mike whether he wanted to write a book, and
that this story would be just the thing he needed. Afterwards I thought about
turning the story into something myself. By first I'd need a script, and I
may need training in camera work so I could shoot a rouch film of it to
present for TV. The possibilities were mind boggling (something else going
around in my hazy June mind). To show Lindsey I wasn't a complete long-haired
looser I wrote a brief synopsis of the story to complete my e-mail, and I was
sure she'd find it amusing.
By Friday
(13th) I was in the mood to sort things out. I took guidance from all corners
regarding Lindsey, and all the answers came back negative. About half way
though the day a voice inside my ear said that Lindsay wasn't the one I was
looking for. By now I'd realised she was a bisy girl, very young, and with
high hopes of a career - she had no plans for settling down and taking on a
deep relationship. And it seemed this is what I wanted - I was just waiting
to fall in love with a girl and make it last. Even a short relationship would
be ok. But I came to see that Lindsay didn't want this at all. Besides, if
she was interested in me at all she'd have spoken and left me a message on my
phone by now. So I thought about saying something to her. Meanwhile, the
optimist in me kept saying 'don't give up, you never know!'. The same went
for Glastonbury. 'Don't give up' was the order of the day. That night I sent
a few text messages to Dave to ask where Mike had disappeared to and whether
he was going. He said he would be, probably on the Sunday before the
festival. I was flexible. So long as somebody was there to let me in I didn't
mind going down any time, any date. Dave promised to let me know if anything
came up. In the meantime I had to keep the faith as usual. Maybe my horoscope
could offer some inspiration:
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 14th June 2003:
"To be a Piscean is to be blessed with an amazing ability. No matter
what the situation, you always know what to say about it. Somehow, you can
find exactly the right words. Can you actually follow them through, with the
right actions? Ah, well, that's another matter. But hey... the world is full
of dull pragmatists and woefully short of true poets. Isn't it enough just to
be able to see what's needed without having to go to all the trouble of
actually providing it? Actually, usually, for you, at least, it is. But every
so often, something comes over you. Suddenly, you grow determined to put your
money where your mouth is. You decide that actions really do speak louder
than words. And then? Well then, you have weeks like this." (c)
Cainer.com
Saturday
came. I thought about arranging to see Lindsay at break time but something
held me back. A short time later, I wantered into the offices to see Lindsay
standing there - she'd cut her finger and needed a plaster. I was glad the
universe had decided to bring us together away from the hum-drum of the
shop-floor. But, instead of saying something wise I said something foolish, I
asked what she was doing on Sunday. She wasn't sure and asked what I was
doing. I said I may go for a walk if the weather was fine. She didn't sound
too enthusiastic about that admittedly very lame offer, and as I looked at
her I could see she was shaking with verves. She said she'd let me know and
left the room. I knew I wouldn't hear from her - but I checked my messages
just in case. That night Mike called me on the phone. He was trying to work
out how Glastonbury would all come together, and was trying to include me in
his workings. He said I may be able to drive down as he had a car-park pass I
could use. I said I'd have to work out the cost of this and see if I could
afford it - I could - just!. I was amazed somebody was actually sticking
their neck out to consider me with their plans. If this was real friendship
then I was homoured and humbled by it. A philosophy I'd been thinking about
over the last week or so was that of gratitude and appreciation. I always
liked to show my appreciation of spirit when they helped me, so why didn't I
do the same with people. Today I'd actually caught myself saying 'please' to
the guy I work with for the first time in living memory. Last week an
exchange student had rememded me that praise was the key to making people
feel good about their job. Praise was also the key to showing your
appreciation of friends, and maybe they would be glad to help you mor if they
knew how much you appreciated them. If there was one thing I admired about
Dawn, it was the fact she could say 'thank you' in such a way as to make you
feel good. Finally, I was also given a message about Genuineness this week -
about giving up all the masks we wear to fit in with others instead of just
'being' and being yourself. Leading by example. Contentedness begins at home
- all my dreams were pointed toward it - maybe now I was begining to
understand what they ment. Having the courage to be genuine with feelings was
my next goal, and to begin with, being genuinely appreciative.
Horoscope for Tues 17th: "As Mars now begins to
move into your sign, important questions need to be asked and key decisions
need to be reached. What do you want to accomplish? And what do you want to
achieve? How many things are you truly happy about? And how many are you just
'putting up with' because you can see no other option? It is in the area of
uncomfortable compromise that you are about to make the most impressive
progress. You have all-but persuaded yourself to accept an unfair
arrangement. You are about to realise why the power to make an enormous
difference really does rest in your hands." (c) Cainer.com
Things were
looking ever more precarious as Glastonbury drew closer and closer. I had no
idea of what was about to happen. The cards showed I was plainly in the dark
about so many things that I just had to wait and see. A big test of strength
was coming up. On Wednesday 18th I was awoken yet again by an ominous phone
call. My mum was almost in tears as her new boyfriend had packed up and gone
- leaving her in a state of confusion. What a dissappointment; I was hoping
for the best. At least progress had beem made on her confidence, and even
though she was obviously feeling lick a kick in the guts, I could only see
good things ahead because of the experience. Never-the-less, I knew all too
well what a split-up or rejection felt like. I had no idea of what was to
come. At work I was still thinking about Lindey enough to ask spirit what was
going on. They replied that it wasnt going to go further. "We'll help
you get to Glastonbury", came the reply, "but some things are not
ment to be". That night I went shopping after work and happened to pass
by one of Lindseys friends on the checkouts. Now I thought this girl had
secretly fancied me for some time, but I didn't really fancy her. When I saw
Lindsey I avoided this girl because I thought she would take it badly or feel
rejected or something. As it turned out, I happened to mention this in
passing in one of my e-mails to Lindsey - who happened to mention this to the
girl; who promptly went balistic and had it out with me in front of a queue
of agasped customers and staff alike. She was upset that I thought she
fancied me, and that I had been 'talking behind her back' about it. The
conversation ended abruptly with a poison laced spike in the guts as she
delivered her parting gift. "As if I or Lindsey would ever fancy
YOU!", she said. Well, needless to say I almost fely like crying. I
appologised for the whole thing and walked away; feeling like the ugliest man
alive bar-non. As soon as I carmed down enough I wrote a mail to lindsey to
say how sick I was feeling, and asking why she hadn't thought of saying
something to me about not fancying me. A few day later she wrote back and
appologised for not saying something sooner. By then I'd already forgiven her
- she was only in her teens after all - and wished her luck in love in the
future. It was much longer before I could hope to forgive the other girl for
what she had said. Some things are best avoided.
After that
episode I was in low spirits. The next day I decided to make a few phone calls
to see if I couldn't get a clue as to how I would get to Glastonbury. The
trip was now only three days away - I had no travel plans booked, no ticket
and no way of getting in. This time the answer came back more hopeful. Just
before I went to bed another rocket exploded on the scene. Mike called with
the deal of the decade - or so I thought.... As the story unfolded, a distant
relation had died in Portugal, and someone who was due to come to Glastonbury
was going to be late. "Could you pick up this woman (Juliet) and my
daughter from Tumbridge Wells?", he asked. "I'll give you a ticket
for Glastonbury, a car-park pass, and £60 for petrol." I said yes
(trying to hide my complete overjoyous mood I'd fould myself in) and snatched
his had off. At last a furm decision and very good news indeed. Later I
thanked spirit, but said "but you didn't have to kill somebody, that was
a bit strong even for you.." Things move very mysteriously in the
eathers. The next day (20th) I checked the horoscope and indeed it said:
Horoscope for Fri 20th: "You're nervous now, about
something that seems too small. You are being asked to put a lot of faith
into an unproved assumption. Your instinct tells you that you've got a goer
and a grower. It is very likely to be right. Just have a little faith in what
you feel." (c) Cainer.com
So I rang
Mike back to find out if this dream offer was really real. He said it was,
and that he was really grateful. I'd arranged to see Dawn that night but I
had to cut the night short to get back to Mikes and pick up the tickets and
the travel arrangments. Dawn couldn't beleive it either - how lucky was I?
How lucky? I screamed with releif when I got back home that night. Things
were looking geat again and I was back in a good mood.
Saturday
(21st) was the last day of work before the off. I saw my mum in the morning
and we talked about her plans for the future. I told her me recent story on
love and she agreed that we were both in the same boat. I wondered if our
destinies were tied in some way; when she was finally settled, I would be
too. Strange that the breakups should happen on the same day! Coincidence?
After work I went to see Martin with a list of the artists playing at the
festival and he marked off the ones he'd recommend me to see. I could always
rely on him to show me the light.
Sunday,
Glastonbury Day1. By now my spirits were rising in anticipation. I didn't
mind the long drive in the car, the fuel was all taken care of and I'd get
what I wanted at the end.... The trip would take approximately 8 hours, and
the gates to the festival closed at 10pm, so I set off just before noon to
give me time for stoppages. Everything was packed and ready, and things
looked rosey. The trip took me about an hour over my planned time but this
still left me with enough gap to get there. I picked up my first guest in
Tumbridge and headed off down the M4. By the time we got near the Bath we
were running very late. I had to run the car to the limit on the motorway to
make up some time. Unfortunately, the next pickup wasn't going to be so easy.
Juliet was waiting in a put not far from the festival site - but I didn't
know just where. The time was past 9pm by the time we left Bath and down
towards Shepton Mallet, and the car was having serious troubles. I pulled
over and found I'd run out of oil!! I'd check it three times on the journey
already but the heavy duty motorway dash must have finished off the engine.
We limped into a petrol station and I used up the last dregs of oil I carried
for top-ups. With the oil full again I was confident we could still make it.
By 9:30 we were still frantically looking for Shepton. At last we drove
through and onto the pub to find Juliet. Thank god I had a mobile phone so I
could get in tough - again, given only weeks before by Dawn (completely
freely). I dashed out of the door and popped open the bonnet one again while
Juliet bundled all her stuff in the back. To my complete shock I found no oil
in the engine again! Luckily (!) the guy Juliet had been with had some spare
in his car. I fould out later that it was diesel oil - but what the hell.
9:40 and we set off to find the gate. But where was it? We stopped to ask
directions twice, went down a road, came back again, and then went down the
same road again trying to find the gate. I almost span the car off the road
aqua-plaining in the heavy rain that had surrounded us. 10pm on the dot and I
arrived at the parimitter check-point. Success!! Huge gasps of relief echoed
from all of us as we twised along the road towards the main gate. It was ten
past 10 before we got there - even the gate guard said how lucky we had been
to get in at all. The car was stalling ever few minutes but kept going just
enough to get us to our camp at the other end of the site. I went to bed very
soon afterwards - completely exhaused.
The next
day I woke up in the biggest of the yurts, an 18 footer, where I'd spent the
night in luxury under my own duvet and feather pillow. Today we errected
three more structures - a 15 foot yurt, a dome and a burber - our kitchen
tent. The weather was growing hot and I didn't have much time to do my own
things, but I had my first wander around late afternoon.
From the
outset, mike had promised me my own place to live where I could offer my
skills as a counsellor and healer, and this should have been something called
a shramisu. On Tuesday (24th) it became appearant that there was only space
for a small structure so Mike suggested we build a small yurt called a
squirt. Squirts were a massive attraction to me since I spent my time in one
last year with Arwen, and yes, this was just what I wanted - yet another
Glastonbury dream was coming true. I spent the evening building one almost
from scratch. This was the first thing I'd built almost on my own, and Mike
offered his help to guide my progress. By nightfall it was clear that I
wouldn't finish it today - my head had got stuck making the intricate roof
poles, and so I slept in the camp caravan just behind the burber.
Wednesday,
Glastonbury Day 4. Today I expected the arrivals of my two best friends,
Simon and Dawn, who I'd been texting nightly to keep in touch with their
progress. The squirt was fininshed as soon as possible in the morning so I
could move in and impress my friends. Soon afterwards Dawn arrived at the
festival. Her ankle was still in pain but at least the cast was off and she
was hobbling around - nothing which could get in the way of a festival! I
made my way over to the gate and helped her carry an impressively heavy
rucksack all the way back to a field next the one I was staying in. I helped
set up her tent and a tent of one of the two companions she had travelled
with, before heading back to work on the squirt. I found two rugs to line the
walls with and make the squirt nice and cosy. Red rugs - and it struck me
later that a medium - Paula Cassidy - had predicted I'd be living in a room
with red walls! So true. An hour or two later and Simon tapped on my phone.
He was making his way to a field two across from mine and hopeed to meet up
that night. I finally moved into the squirt before dark; with a soft carpet
made from a bed sheet and a cosy bed at one end made from my duvet and an old
sleeping-bag Simon had given me years before for my very first Glastonbury. I
went out that night and eventually met Simon and his friends at a local bar.
Quite pissed and stoned the lot of them. I got into the spirit myself,
although I knew I'd have to stay dry if I were to practice counselling. Simon
came back to the squirt after the other had gone back to their tents and
prompty passed out of the floor. I covered him with the duvet and ignored his
smoring long enough to fall asleep.
Thursday
was a casual affair. Simon loved the squirt and felt quite envious of my good
fortune, vowing to have his own sqirt someday. After breakfast he left the
camp and I set up a sign advertising my services. Dawn also came to visit in
the afternoon. She seemed quite down for some reason, I presumed it was
because of her foot and didn't mention it. This trend was to carry on
throughout the festival. I knew she'd speak if she had something to say. All
I could do was to remain in good spirits and hope to cheer her up. Nobody
came for counselling that day, although I did get the chance to speak to a
member of the camp in private. Trouble was brewing under the surface. Juliet
was building herself up to separate from her boyfriend Elwin, and hoped for
the best. I hadn't seen Elwin in such a long time but knew how badly he'd
take it. I hoped the story would have a happy ending.
The next
day (27th) the music started and the festival reached new heights of mayhem.
I still hoped for a client or two, and dispite a few enquires I didn't get
any. In the morning I met up with Dawn to see Howard Marks in a tent nearby
and sat in the rain. I caught the beginning of one band before heading back
to see Dave who was appearing in the Speakers Forum with a very anxious
version of his own classic poetic rap. I sat at the front as Howard Marks
reappeared and gave a talk on the pro's and pro's of the legalisation of
Cannabis. That afternoon I went up to the sauna tent for an hours session and
enjoyed the freedom of being naked in front of so many people. Then I came
back to the camp and received an Indian Head message. But I didn't spend too
long hanging around, the music was still pumping in the background and I
headed off to see the Liberteins and the awesome live Primal Scream. Finally
I got the chance to mash down on the front row of a decent rock group. Get
your rocks off! I had arranged to meet Dawn after the Scream but I lost her in
the crowd and went up to the cinema field alone. By the time I got through to
her mobile she was back in her tent. Donnie Darko was a disappointment, but
Bowling for Columbine by Micheal Moore was much more interesting - even
though I was freezing cold in the middle of a field. This split up with Dawn
was just typical of our friendship - there was always something trying to
keep us apart!
Saturday
was another good day, but somehow less than the day before. In fact, the week
followed this trend all the way down the line from then on, until by the
following Thursday my days had turned quite miserable. In the meantime I
enjoyed another day of talks by Mark Thomas and music by Goldfrapp and the
classic 60's group Love - great stuff. I ment up with Dawn and strolled off
for a quick tour of the Circus and Cabaret field. Dawn still looked
miserable, but I had to break off the wander at 3pm because I was due to
stand up in the Poets World tent to delever some of my material on stage. I
arrived at the tent just in time to catch the last of the days booked artists
before going on myself during the 'open mike' session. Legs quaking and voice
wavering, I sped my way through New Lines and The Guru in front of an
interested crowd, and received two very healthy rounds of applause for my
efforts. I was glad I'd done it. Glastonbury was the ultimate opportunity for
these kinds of flights of fancy as the audiences were up for anything and the
pressure was mostly off. I came back from a disapointing ventur to see John
Cale of Velvet Underground fame to join Dave around the camp fire for the
night. One by one the crew came back together and I ended up getting out the
poerty again and giving them a full rendition of my back catalogue.
Sunday,
Glastonbury Day8. This was the last day of music but there wasn't much I
wanted to see. In fact there were only three bands I half thought about
seeing, and one of those was on last thing at night. As it turned out, fate
had something else in store. I had been worried about my financial situation
recently, and with the car almost out of commission and a further £30 drawn
from the cashpoint to tide me over, I wondered just how much more I'd have to
fork out to get home again. I made myself busy at the entrance to the camp
directing possible clients inside yurts and answering various questions.
There was also a rough spread of 'tat' to my left being sold by another
member of our camp - which I ended up selling some of on his behalf. Then a
woman turned up selling attractively coloured Hemp wallets. I bought one even
though I really didn't need one. Why? This wasn't like me... She said 'Would
you like to sell these for me, I'm rather busy with other things you see, and
I'll give you a share of anything you make.' I said yes - being used to shouting
out and selling things at Glastonbury by now - and spent a chunk of the rest
of the day making use of these to make a little money. By the time the lady
came back in the evening I'd made her £50 from a £10 box of wallets. She gave
me £17.50 for my efforts; not a fortune but I'd met so many people, and it
had given me the chance to exorcise my fear of being seen and heard in
public, that I'd gotten so much more from it than money. That night I went to
the Dance tent to catch the band I'd been recommended by Martin - who turned
out to be rather inappropriate for the dancing mood I found myself in. I
departed before the end - again, another unheard of thing in my book - and
came back to the field just in time to watch a beautiful firework display to
mark the end of the festival.
Monday was
supposed to be another quiet day by all accounts. I got up around noon and
made myself busy selling a few more of the graciously provided wallets -
making the woman another £20 (£70 altogether), and for which I received another
tenner. Arguments sprang up in the camp, and I didn't mind keeping my nose
out of it. Juliet had broken up with Elwin a couple of days before after long
anticipation, and he was now taking the news rather badly. I offered my help
as a counsellor and everybody in the camp knew they could come to me with any
difficulties. The afternoon was another scorcher and another of my jobs was
to help Dawn get out of the festival and back into the car. As it turned out,
I'd just eaten a ganja truffle which I'd swopped for a hemp wallet just an
hour before and the effects were just kicking in. Dawn and I enjoyed a
healthy banter all the way back to the car and I felt like she was at last in
a good mood. Just before the final stint to the vehicle she revealed something
quite delicate which was happening between her and her boyfriend. I offered
what help I could and it seemed to cheer her up just being able to talk about
it. Before she left I gave Dawn a reassuringly big hug and left her in high
spirits with a joke or two. I was so happy to see Dawn ok, and so chilled out
by the weed and the weather, that on the way back to the camp I actually said
'goodbye' and 'see you later' to the passers by leaving along the road. A few
thought I was crazy but a few smiled back and said 'see you next year!'. Yet
another chip knocked out of my fear of being free. By the time I got back to
camp the tone of the scene had changed. Elwin was busy conflicting and
colliding with Juliet, and the situation was being made worse as they faught
over who, if anybody, would inherit the house they had been working towards
moving into together.
The evening
drifted on, and the situation came to a head around dusk. Now Elwin, Mike and
even Dave were all together trying to defend Elwins feelings, while Juliet
stood alone to face it all. I was by the camp fire when Juliet came out of
the big yurt and asked if she could talk to me in private. We went into her
yurt and talked things over. Elwin, Dave and Mike took it in turns to come in
and give their two cents worth of abuse, and thrusting in another knife,
before leaving. At one point I was faced with a dilemma. Mike came in to try
to rationalise the situation but I could tell Juliet was in no mood for it.
Even though he was making sense I had to step in and say. 'I think this
conversation would be more productive later when everybody's calmed down -
people who've been hurt tend to be very defencive towards things'. I think he
got the point and left shortly after. I also decided to go and let Juliet have
some much needed time alone to think. The night panned out surprisingly well
after that. Elwin avoided Juliet and sat with the rest of the gang around the
camp fire and played a few games with us. The usual games were rather limp,
so I introduced one of my favourite counselling games - favourites. This
involved asking each other what our favourite things were; and ended up going
down a storm. Daves wife Lisa liked it so much that she kept the flow going
for hours - even after I'd gone to bed I could hear her asking 'so what's
your favourite zoo animal..'. One of the works of art in the field was also
being read it's last rights that night - a massive 12foot long rhinosaurus
made from wood and mug was being burned in the after-fesitval cerimony. The
field was peppered with candles all around, almost mirroring the myriad of
stars we'd enjoyed in the sky all week, and creating a wonderful faery-tale
atmosphere. Even free hash truffles and beer was being handed around. At last
I was in bed after another long day and enjoying the home I'd dreamed of so
wildly so long ago. I still couldn't take it in! Was this real or fantasy? My
mind didn't even begin to absorb it - prefering instead to take it for
granted - something I'd been trying all week to stir myself awake from.
Nevertheless, this was the last night I would stay in this dream world as
reality was to knock on my door the very next day.
July
Tuesday
(1st) was my last day at the Glastonbury festival site. My mind was too busy
to feel the sadness in my heart. I got up relitively early and after
breakfast I started to dismantle me luxury home. It only took half an hour.
The I went over to get the car from the other side of the complex. This is
when the fantasy world began to take on another form altogether, and sparked
off a series of serious co-incidences designed to get me home in one piece.
When I got to the car it wouldn't start. I remembered all too clearly how it
had broke down one the very over, and how I'd made it by sheer miracle. I
feared I'd destroyed the car good and proper. Just as I was about to wonder
what next, the engine thankfully chugged into life. Step one complete! I
nursed it back to camp and gave the engine a full look-over. The exhaust was
still hanging together after the repairs I'd made on it before setting off to
the festival. The engine was loosing oil all over, so I topped it up and
hoped for the best. At last I set off for home. The camp was now dismantled
and the crew were themselves ready to go. I gave Mike a big hug for
everything he'd done for me, and waved everybody else goodbye as I set off.
Now the fun started!! The car felt sluggish and had no power to speak of, so
I took it easy up the A37 into Bristol. My next priority was to get a new
air-filter and more oil. But finding a car spares shop was impossible at the
best of times - and with the time heading towards 5pm, how would I find one?
I drove into town and pulled in at a Kwik-Fit garage to ask around. The
car-spares shop was on the very next corner of the road - success!
As it turned
out, the shop had a car park just behind it and the man behind the desk was
only too happy to come over and give the car a once-over. He tested a few
pipes and recommended a few things. As we got talking he revealed he was
originally from Rochdale and used to go to school in Haslingden. You couldn't
get much closer to home than that! We chatted about the old Lancashire he
used to know and then I had to get on my journey. The engine was now working,
but as I pulled out of the car park I heard a terrible noise; the exhaust had
broken again. I climbed under it and patched it up with silicon gel with an
old oil rag tied around it. Now all I had to do was find the motorway. I
trailed around Bristol for at least an hour, following every sign for the M5 without
much success. Eventually I found a hopeful dual-carriageway just as it came
on raining hard. I put my wipers on full speed just to see - and they crashed
into each other and stuck. Now I couldn't see anything! I thrust my arm out
of the window and grabbed for the wipers hoping I wouldn't drift into the
back or the side of any cars. Thank god the road was straight. I pulled and
after a second attempt was able to free them. Breathing a huge sign of relief
I was now truely awake and glad to be alive. I headed up the motorway only
doing about 50 or 60mph until Birmingham when I pulled into a service center.
The engine and exhaust were holding together so I treat myself to a bacon
double cheeseburger from the Burger King inside. Meat at last. I cruised all the
way home and risked 70mph. It was 10:30pm before I made it. The exhaust was
broken again, and the engine was a wreck - but I'd made it. All my stuff was
shoved barely through the door and I was soon in bed catching up on some well
deserved sleep.
The next day
I was the start of a huge come-down. Back at work things at first seemed
rosy, and everybody was keen to ask how my holiday had gone. I took the car
into the garage as soon as I could. After much head shaking they recommended
a new engine! In other words, the car was a right-off. They cleaned out a few
pipes after I insisted I'd have to use the car anyway - dead or not - until I
could afford another in four or five months time. I knew I'd killed the car,
but hearing the words brought the whole situation up close and personal.
By Thursday
(3rd) my mood was hitting rock bottom. I was avoiding contact with the two
checkout girls who'd caused me so much pain before Glastonbury. The girl
who'd given me the verbal abuse passed me with a smug grin as she saw my
crippled expression. Everything was coming to a head. Everytime I went away
from work, I'd come back with a renewed hatred for the place. It was the only
thing in the world I could drum up so much negativity for - the only thing I
could really dispise. I felt trapped, and was wasting my entire life with
pointless shelf filling and handing customers scratched and dusty CDs. What
was life for? It certainly wasn't this. Everything seemed to be breaking or
stuck all at once. My depression was begining to show signs of returning.
Friday was no better - it not worse. I didn't have a car, a washing machine,
a girlfriend, a family, a career, a collage course, money, prospects. Without
a car I'd be struggling to reach my pressure release valves - my friends and
the spiritualist church. At last, after pissing off a whole load of people
during Saturday, I made it home and relaxed with food and a much needed smoke
of weed. What a relief! Oh, it felt so good to put things in perspective and
see things for what they were - just situations. I could give up and wallow
in the mud or I could accept them and move on. That smoke made all the
difference. My spirits were lifted. I even sent Juliet some reiki so see her
ok. She sent me a text the next day to say it coincided with somebody else
giving her reiki at the very same time. She felt great.
I woke the
next morning (6th) with all the pressure in my head disolved. I lay in bad
for hours feeling so warm and wonderfully relaxed before casually getting on
with my day. I caught the bus into Blackburn about 5:30 to catch the church
after 6, and I was glad I made it. The atmosphere was great - really relaxing
and full of loving positive energy; I stayed behind for a while after just to
soak it all in. But during the evening I was treated to another message just
for me.. Francis was the leader of our psychic workshop on Monday nights, so
getting a message off her was a treat indeed. Appearantly, my Nan was coming
through very strong. Francis described her, her conditions, and gave the
names of two of her sisters. Once again I wasn't sure whether the message was
for me, but thankfully another lady just in front of me took it and the
message unfounded. Francis went on to describe my current state of mind, and
even acknowledged a recent foot injury. The message was definitely for me.
Anyway, at the end she related what I wanted to know the most: ' Don't worry,
this mood of sadness and being stuck won't last. Pull yourself up and get on
with life. The spirits are saying they are aware of the situation and want to
bring more laughter and smiles into your life. But what you want isn't going
to be easy to reach and it won't happen overnight - but it will happen - not
just yet; you still have a bit of learning to go throught - but it will happen.'.
I'd been told before that I'd find my true soul mate, and that I'd be
completely happy by my very late 20's and early 30's. I was still hoping.
When I got home I took some mushrooms I'd bought at Glastonbury and took more
time out for myself.
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 5th July:
"You may not be as wealthy as you wish you were but you are not as poor
as you fear. Much the same can be said for your emotional situation. Things
may not be as smooth as you would like them to be, but the big drama that you
are so concerned about is not as important or as threatening as it seems.
Over the next few days, all will be fine provided you curb your own tendency
to worry too much or to hunger for things that aren't necessarily as
desirable or as worthwhile as they appear. Mars is due to remain in your sign
right through to the end of the year. It is getting brighter by the night in
the sky as it comes closer to earth than ever before in recorded history. You
are slowly coming into your power. So relax. " (c) Cainer.com
Monday (7th)
was another day of rest. My main priority was to get the car running. For a
few days I'd been running around complaining that it was a right-off, and
that all was now lost in a pit of money. I fixed the huge hole in the exhaust
and went in search of an engine-tonic to stop the oil leaks. Then I went
around to see my Mother. She was still in a very bad way since her boyfriend
had leaft her in the dark. They had been arguing since I last saw her and she
talked about him non-stop for at least four hours. I could only offer
occastional words of support and insights into the why's and wherefores. Her
worst day was last Friday - the exact day when I also felt at my worst last
week. We'd also suffered a breakup on the very same day. It was almost as if
our lives were intertwined. Maybe when she was happy, then I'd find my own
happiness? Very strange. Before I left, Mum handed me a pouch with a crystal
I'd been looking for. Even the pouch itself was a long sought-after item; one
I had fully intended to pickup at the festival, but completely forgot. Now,
once again, I'd been given a gift for free. She had also taped nearly 10
hours worth of festival footage onto video at my humble request. I left and
the car seemed fairly ok. It wasn't a right-off after all; but it would need
months of TLC before I could afford another. I realy wanted a Diesel next
time. Something live an Escort-Van so I could carry my dream yurt around in
the back. When I got home I mentioned my difficulties with my next-door
neighbours, and they said a diesel Citron estate may be up for sale soon.
Possibilities...
I was coming
out of my depressive phase by Tuesday and my spirits continued to lift
slightly all week. Martin came up and we chatted about idealism for a few
hours. Then I had to get myself busy making food and getting on with the
internet. I returned to work on Wednesday with food in the freezer and clean
pots on the hob - but no clean washing. Still, I didn't really care, my
priority was feeling good about myself again. I picked up a small book I read
through at least once a year called 'The Little Book of Happiness', and took
it to work with me to inject a sence of perspective where me mind was stuck
the most. I also put plenty of nightly effort into the Astral Travel work I
was trying to get to grips with; with notable success. The method I'd chosen
to to explore first was travel through Lucid Dreaming. All through the week,
and with the waxing of the full moon, my dream became very detailed, accurate
and interesting, and I even reached a sense of semi-lucidity on a few
occations, but I still hadn't found the magic formula for a complete
experience.
The working
week began much easier than the week before, and I was left alone with my own
thought most of the time. The horoscope and my dreams began to warn of
changes ahead... "You should now prepare for such a realisation in
an area of life that you suspected had been stagnant but where progress has
indeed been taking place. A wonderful new phase of the future is
beginning." (c) Cainer.com, and the sense of new spirits was
growing. That night, Juliet sent me a text saying she had sent me lots of
energy and light in return for the reiki I'd sent her. It had certainly
helped my day. I felt and realised what had been missing all along - self
confidence. I never noticed it had gone, but now when I had it back I
appreciated what it did for me. I could now look people in the eyes, could
walk and talk straight, could smile, and fould myself attractive in the
mirror again. A caterpillar magically appeared in the middle of the tray I
ate my food off. I immidietely looked up what this creatures symbolised, and
sure enough, it symbolised lack off appreciation for ones own beauty and
potential.
On Thursday
(10th) I went back into work with my head held higher for a change. Yet
another miracle happened in front of my eyes as a brand new DVD player was
reduced to only £30 because one lead was missing. It was multi-region and
even played copies, so I wasted no time in putting my name on it. I'd always
said I'd pay £30 for a DVD - and here it was. My wish had come true. Of
course I'd put a price on my wish instead of just saying 'oh, I wish I had
one.', but hell, you can't get everything for nothing. I bought a few discs
for it straight away and order a few off the internet. Money wasn't too much
of a problem as I was a whole month in front with my food budget - and the
car was exactly going anywhere these days. But there was another reason to
celebrate. I'd decided to take the plunge and make myself some money on the
side by growing weed in the loft. I'd seen my friends doing it on the dole
and making enough to live off. Why couldn't I. The reason I was feeling
trapped was the fact that I didn't have an escape route or alternative
income. This would suppliment my wage well, and I could save enough to excape
the job and eventually the house altogether - while I was still young enough.
I had £200 I could use to get started, but I'd need help off Dave if it was
going to work, and that would have to be at the weekend.
What else
was going to bloom? I wondered whether the 'new phase in my life' would
stretch to girlfriends, but for some reason I was just beginning to
appreciate the fact that I was my own best friend, and wasn't ready to accept
anybody else. Even the horoscope warned that something will happen that I
just wouldn't feel right about.
On Friday
(11th) evening I realised what this was getting at. In the dining area of the
staff canteen, boys and girls always sat appart - except for me - who liked
to sit appart from the lot of them. On this occastion I was joined by a girl
I'd said 'hello' to a few days earlier. She was pretty and quite quiet, but
something inside me just said 'no, this isn't right, don't make conversation
with her.' So I didn't. And as she left she gave me a look back as if to say
- what happened? I kept bumbing into potential girlfriends and ex-possibles
all through that day. A girl I liked at church called Angela - who I'd smiled
at the Sunday before - was the daughter of Francis, and only came a few times
a year to help her mother give clairvoyance on the platform. I also came
across a girl I'd been on a date with years before when I worked in the
restaurant. I could see she plainly still fancied me - she smiled and giggled
as I tryed to help her mother, but again I had no pull to start anything.
These were all temptations to test my resolve of finding 'The One'. None of
them suited in the slightest - only Angela had the potential - and she was
out of reach for the moment.
Saturday was
a long day, made easier by a part-time student who visited our department
several times a year during the holidays. Stewart was a barrel of laughs, and
we cheered each other up all day as the drag of work pulled our shoulders
down. I laughed at our antics as we plodded through the day. Costomers
questions flew in from all angles, and I put all my reserves of strength into
hand-balling charcoal down from the warehouse. By the end of the day I was
down to half speed. I helped drag in several pallets of compost, and carried
on working until I only moved at a quarter-speed - but I kept going. The walk
home was a leasurly affair. My feet dragged but I was free for another
weekend. That night I didn't let anything spoil my relaxation. I had a smoke
and stopped any negative thoughts before they made me feel less that good
about myself. Why should I think things what bring me down? Why should I
worry? Whats the point? If anything happened which threated to dull my mood I
simple accepted it as fact and just said 'well, that's the way it is..'. I
didn't get upset about anything. That determination to be relaxed and happy
after a long day sparked off a good way of living; which I hoped to carry on
practicing a while yet. I finally wasted a load of t-shirts on the hot Sunday
afternoon, and Simon came around for a chat. We talked about the Landmark
Forum - he was still interested. I also tried to get in touch with Dave but
he wasn't in. Still, that's the way it is... I'd catch up with him tomorrow.
Horoscope for Monday 14th: "Something exciting is
beginning to happen. You can sense change in the air and opportunity in the
offing. It's no illusion or false fancy. You're becoming naturally aware of a
genuine development. This is why you should take it easy and play it cool.
Your ability to turn molehills into mountains is a great asset when there's a
pressing need to create something out of next to nothing. When though, an
actual mountain is rising up before you, what's sorely required is realism.
Don't shy away from what's ahead... but don't race towards it either. Just
proceed at a steady pace." (c) cainer.com.
The middle
week of July was a catch up period for me as I tried to get back a degree of
energy I felt like I'd lost. Appart from that the week was fairly uneventful.
I popped in to see Bev on Tuesday for what turned out to be a very breif
chat. She told me she knew a guy who she thought I could help. He was rather
unconfident but wanted to know a lot of things she simply couldn't answer. I
said 'yes, of course' and gave her my number to pass on. Unfortunately,
nobody called. Things began to hot up once again at the weekend. I went over
to Daves after work on Saturday (20th) and managed to catch him in. I'd been
toying with an idea for some time, one which he himself had given me trying
to come up with ways to get me out of Asda, and involved growing and selling
cannabis. At last I couldn't take it anymore. Since coming back from Glasto I
was ready to try anything to get myself some cash and get out of the rut.
This seemed like an option I could use, and I think this is what the last
horoscope was trying to say. He said he'd get me the basics for £200 - just
enough to get me going - and that's all I could afford anyway. It was a
gamble in all sorts of ways; not least financial, but I just had to get some
spare cash from somewhere or face the rest of the year being flat broke once
more. A couple of days later he turned up with the stuff. By this time I'd
done a few spreads and found that things wouldn't be as easy as I'd thought.
All kinds of setbacks lay in my path, including trying to sell the stuff, but
there was a light at the end of the long tunnel. I swallowed the pill and
payed the money. I just had to try. I set up the equipment and everything
worked fine. Now all I had to do was sprout a few seeds.
Saturday was
also the day I fould out that the guy who'd been seeing my Mum had come back
- leaving her mind all over the place trying to come to terms. I left it a
day and then phoned her. I'd done a spread to see where this was going to
lead, and dispite a hell of a lot of upheaval, mystery and setbacks there was
a good chance that things were going to work out. Mum was rambling incesently
about all the problems he was having and changed the subject whenever I tried
to bring the conversation back to her. Finally I said my piece and layed down
a warning of things to come. I knew this would only strengthen her resolve in
the matter. She offered to put me in touch with somebody who could fix the
car, but by now my money was already well tied up with other matters. She was
trying to help.
Over the
next few days a number of things came my way. First of all I'd ordered a few
DVDs from the internet (before I knew I could't really afford to) and they
came through the post. On Monday I set off slightly early to get to the
Church for the Open Circle class. Yet by the time I got there I found the
door had been locked - I was too late. Still, due to my new philosophy I was
happy to say 'oh, well', and made my way over to Dawns for an impromptue
friendly visit. In the end I was so glad I did as I had a wonderful night
with her. We talked from 7:30 until the early hours about all kinds of
light-hearted things; there was no danger this time that the conversation was
running dry or that I was talking about things we had in common just to keep
things doing. It reminded me just how much I loved a good old banter with a
friend. Before I left she lent me her copy of the Lord of the Rings Special
DVD - something I'd been acheing to buy since it first came out, and the
inspiration to buy a DVD player in the first place.
Wednesday
(23rd) began with a call from my Mother saying she was bringing me a new
washing machine! I don't know where I'd heard the message before; from a
medium? through dreams? or the tarot?; but from somewhere I'd been told that
my mother would be buying me one soon. That was a reason why I'd been so lax
to buy myself another one. Besides, doing things by hand was kind of fun.
Anyway, I'd dropped a few hints about the washer a few times knowing she
hated the fact that I was using the bath, and now she was offering me one - a
brand new one - worth £160! They came around and fixed it up just as I was
about to head off to work. Mums boyfriend Brian gave me a lift into town -
which gave me a chance to speak to him man-to-man about their situation. He
agreed that my mother was more emotionally fragile than she let on, and that
things should be taken slowly for the sake of their own feelings. Besides,
his family was pressurising him all the time, and until the predicted
regeneration and fresh-start came to pass, this was the only option I could
advocate. After he drove off I was left in a limbo state which lasted all
day. Workload was scarce, which left me plenty of time to spend on my own. I
didn't dwell on things or try to flush them out of my system, the 'heavy'
feeling in my heart was left to disolve on it's own.
The next few
days were also low affairs. Where was the energy of life I used to seek so
eagerly? Where was the fire for which my soul yearned? Several minor
revelations of philosophy took my thoughts back o the point. First of all,
how could I really be ME? How could I reach that enthusiastic, bombastic,
charismatic self I knew lay inside but I just couldn't reach down to pull out
in daily life. I was still misterable. My depression had dried up into a
managable puddle from a vast sea, but why couldn't I lift my head and take on
the world as the real me. I analised the faculties of friendship - what were
the signs I wasn't showing to people, and just why did I hold so very many at
a distance rather than just get along? I came up with a list of reasons which
I tried to put into practice over the week, but without the enthusiasm of the
given situation, I found trying to insert these friendship 'characteristics'
into normal conversations was forced and unnatural. Unless these gestures
came from the heart rather than the head, they fell far short of their
purpose. I had to become naturally friendly - naturally sociable; and then
all these things would flow - otherwise there was no point.
The week
flew by at a lightening speed which propelled me towards the long term goals
I had been planning, but left little room for 'the moment'. The weekend came
and went and I found myself driving on a wet Monday (28th) evening towards
the Spiritualist Church for an Awareness class. The crowd were all there, and
I soon found myself sitting with somebody I hardly knew waiting to begin the
lesson. We were all given inspirational cards which we used to help deliver a
message to our pertner. I used pure inspiration, and was pretty accurate in
my message. I was also told a few things. My partner could see me as a dog
tied up with a choaker, just waiting to be set free. A green light of growth
was above me and yet there was blackness on all sides. Yellow was the colour
I needed in order to build on my 'light side' and feel brighter again. The
night before I'd explored the possibilities of the Amber stone, and had used
it to release a certain negativity from my brow chakra. I was also told about
Emerald and the power of the sun. We talked about our problems in life, and
even though I took on my usual professional side to listen to her problems, I
found I was being completely myself and not serious at all. The church was a
great place to really be yourself. Nobody judged anybody else. I felf
completely in my element as I could offer my skills to help others - and have
a good time doing it. After the session I got together with a few lads and
found I was so exhuberant and flambouyant that I was catching a glimps of the
real me; someone not caught up with worries of presenting myself to the
world, just me. It could be done, and I could do it. I didn't know just how,
but I'd have to keep trying.
August
The week of
philosophy and introspection continued into August with fine vigour. The week
at work was full of times when my mind got lost in a haze of thought, and
often I could see that things were moving in the right direction once again.
I had always thought this year was to be a good one; and the first half of
any year was always the quiet period before the storm; but this year I was so
glad that my mind was again catching onto magical things and foreward looking
dreams. A flame from the past wrote me a letter to respark the old fire once
again. Tracy, my Reiki master on the Isle of Wight, sent me an email to say
she was thinking about opening a school and therapy center, and did I have
any ideas. I replied straight away and almost flung my services towards her -
almost as if I was applying for a job. This dream of becoming a spiritual
guide and teacher was a long-standing one, and one I was keen to spur on
given these kinds of opportunities. I hoped for the best, but as of this
moment I wasn't ready to jump into the unknown; I knew I had a little way to
go towards self development/mastery first. In the back of my mind I was being
drawn to a psychology course at college. I knew a psychic had predicted this
months before, and at the time I had no plans along these lines whatsoever.
Now I just couldn't get it out of my mind. At the time I palmed it off as
idle speculation and even pushed against it, thinking I knew more about what
I wanted in life than some old medium. Now I knew, medium or not, that this
was the path I wanted to take.
Money was
tight thanks to the £200 I'd forked out on my growing project. Payday was
another week or so off, and so I called upon my reserves of untapped cash to
see me through. I called up the electricity board and asked then if I could
have a refund on my credited account. I got £40 back! Then I asked if I could
have the same off my gas balance. Yes, I could, and another 40 quid was on
it's way. Now with £80 in my bank account (of free money no less) I was ready
to reach for the future. I also happened to find a little reserve of cash in
the house thanks to a tip-off I'd received from my intuitive sub-concious.
That was another £15. Back on the computer I budgeted for the college course
I wanted and found once again that the money stretched almost to the penny. I
would be broke in another three months, but for now I could look forward to
the Psychology course, the Landmark Forum and the car tax bill. On Monday the
4th, I went up to college and booked the course. The put the spring of hope
in my step for a while.
Another
E-mail from a blast from the past enlightened another corner of my calender.
Christine wrote to let me know that the reunion week at Stanstead was to be
helf early next year. The cost turned out to be £270 - quite an expensive
week - but cheeper than the Landmark. More cooking of the spreadsheet showed
that I would be in a position to go when the time came, and that yet another
dream would be coming true all too soon. So that ment I would be developing
in one way or another from September until next May. It may be heaving going
at times, but hey, I would be going! and that was the main thing. The cost of
a new car was the last thing to worry about. I didn't have any more money to
spend on one so why worry? If nothing else, I'd be ok for transport for a
little while yet. I'd have to get the car looked at now I had some spare cash
to play with.
Also on the
4th, I was drawn deep into my own world of thought over the problem of self-realisation,
and came up with yet more revelations. Appearently, it all boiled down to how
I set things up in my mind - how I appected or denyed things - how I pushed
things out and let things in. My head was getting in the way, and my heart
was repulsing all it could to save my feelings. I'd have to be more open
towards myself, and the reality I found myself in. A guru on a tape I found
myself playing talked about 'the witness' as a good way to go. I wasn't sure
about this but decided to look into it anyway. Jimmy Cliff reminded me that I
could get anything if I really wanted. I'd just have to try, try and try.
However,
things didn't sky-rocket at the speed of light. Not straight away anyway. The
next week was yet another very dull affair. I seemed to be in an introvert
state - and didn't bother too much about being cheerful or socible - or even
finding my own happiness. A new girl came into the staff canteen one dinner
time who I actually felt quite attracted to. This was the first time I'd even
thought about girls since Lindsay, and since Dawn was now plainly on an
alternative path to mine I took a step back and asked myself what I really
wanted. Did I really want a long term relationship? What than would happen to
my dream of seeing the world? Or what about a casual kind of affair. Surely
then I'd have to consider my thoughts about the sacred nature of sexual
intercourse. I did a considered tarot spread on this future and the results
were good. There would indeed be a situation where I could gain confidence in
these matters. There would be a faster paced line of progress in which I'd be
fighting to slow down and find balance again. The laws of karma would be
working in my favour and lots of small pieces of good fortune would propel my
direction. All this looked as if there would be plenty of interaction at
least - and that had to be a good thing. But miricles don't happen overnight
- they come just when they are least expected!
Horoscope for week commencing Saturday, 9th August 2003
"You make a spontaneous decision to drive somewhere special. You load up
the car, set off in a spirit of excitement and then... get stuck in some
enormous traffic tailback. That's pretty much your current situation. You are
being held back by circumstances beyond your control. You are feeling obliged
to put up with a scenario that does not seem to have a lot going for it. I
can't guarantee you will reach your destination yet, but you will at least
start moving towards it at a better pace. Don't give up or try to find some
alternative plan. Just persevere. Progress WILL happen. As soon as Mars
begins to change direction in the zodiac. Take a look at it in the sky one
night this week. It is blazing bright in your part of the sky." (c)
cainer.com.
The next
week started off with this great enthusiasm in my soul. On Sunday (10th) I
went along to the curch to find a special 'rememberance' service was being
held on the occasion of the death of a good man. The evening was very
special; uplifting, and at the same time soberly reverential in respect of a
valued member of the spiritual community. I'd met Steve Hope only once in my
life. He was a psychic musician, and had created a number of taped pieces of
music for our awareness class way back on the 23rd of April last year. Each
tune was personalised using the name of each person, and when they played my
tune it was as if my whole being responded to it with upliftment. Steve also
did psychic art, and liked to think about philosophy and matters of the
etheric. The service was a heart-warming insight into the life of a disabled
man, and a man of dedication and integrity. Several ommisions on the hymm
sheet couldn't dampen the spirit of the evening, and half way though the
service, a girl gave a rendition of 'Somewhere over the rainbow' with a beautifully
sincere and tender voice - which sent shivers down every backbone in the
room. It made me think about how I'd like to be remembered when I pass over.
The rememberance fund had reached over £50. Everybody had a good word to say
about him. Everybody felt a sence of loss for his passing - even me. I took
the time to read some of his world and appreciate some of his art before I
left. A tallented man indeed.
I went home
with a copy of the new Johnny Depp movie and a light heart. I'd just put the
film on when Dawn rang me to invite me over. I went along and we watched the
DVD together, but I couldn't stop too long as I'd forgotten to set the video
up for a programme that night. The next day (11th) I turned up at church once
again. This evening a special 'flower reading' to to be done by the awareness
class. Each person brought along a flower and we got up in turn to select one
and give a message to the original owner. I felt like I wanted to 'do my bit'
even before I got up to take my turn. As each person went to he front, I
scanned their aura and sent out healing to the parts which were lacking. By
the time I got up, my own aura was huge after channeling all that positive
energy to so many people. I wasn't nervous, in fact I just knew I would do a
good job of it tonight. An orange flower came to my attention and I gave lots
of information about the mystery owner. Then I closed my eyes and confidently
relayed the imaged which came to mind. A lady came into my psychic vision.
Francis asked if I could see anybody but I wasn't sure what I had been. Then
I just blurted it all out; and as I said one thing, another came to mind. I
ended my part there and the girl who's flower it was stood up. She was the
only girl of my age in the place. She looked kind of cute, but her accent was
right up my street. I was strangely attracted to her, even though my
intuition once again said this wasn't the girl for me. I tried to scan her
aura as she stood up, but something slapped my psychic fingers away almost
immediately. That told me! Once when I got home did I realise just what I'd
done. I'd been completely free and confident, and had been giving very good
evidence - as if I'd just surrendered to the whole process. I think I'd given
the best, most complete message of the whole evening! Wow!!
The sobering
notes of dissapointment rocked the next week of my life on this planet. I'd
set off on the rocky road and the first boulders of irritation were having to
be negotiated with, very often, an accursed word or two. Small niggles and
setback held back my week, as if I was going through another batch of
negative karma. The last one I'd had was a few weeks before Glastonbury, and
thankfully it paved the way for lots of positive breaks. Not I hoped this was
another good omen which would lead to good things in the future. But for now
I was faltering. People at work made my life difficult with their idiocy and
pathetic rules, making my days long - and making me feel like I was wasting
my time. More bad news... My number one job at work was to be taken over by a
group of part-time trouble-shooters; which cast a shadow over just what I'd
be doing in the meantime. I wanted to leave that place more than ever.
Horoscope for Friday 15th: They say, "You can't
teach an old dog new tricks." The point is, you are not a dog. You can
learn new tricks and they can profit you immensely. This weekend brings a new
way to approach an old problem. Don't be afraid to experiment. (c)
Cainer.com.
I had a
wierd sense of gloom about me over the next few days up to the weekend. I had
started the week with positivity and sociability - now I hadn't a friendly
word for almost anybody. Still, I was looking forward to a psychic class at
the church that Saturday (16th) morning. I'd bugeted the money for it, and
even though I couldn't attend the full day because of work, I knew it was
going to be good. I settled down to sleep on Friday night ready for getting
up at 9am the next day. But I'd forgotten about those deamons of bad luck -
which had the last laugh that night. I was fast asleep. It was around 5am and
everything was quiet and still. Not even the birds were awake. As I lay there
I opened my eyes - as if I hadn't been asleep at all. Why? But I heard
something else. Some noise foreign to this morning. Somebody was creeping up
the stairs outside my bedroom...!! I lifted my knumb head out of the pillow
only to see the shadow of some kind of naked hell spirit turning to look into
my room... I shouted, and the shape vanished, leaving the thunder of
footsteps and slamming doors. Shit! Was this real. My mind reeled as I
dragged myself downstairs and locked the back door. The shape was only small
- like a kid of no more than 15 years old; who had managed to open my kitchen
window and slide in on top of my plants. I checked around. Only my loose
change, my cigarettes and lighters, and my wallet had gone - and the wallet
was empty except for a few old photographs, my library card, and a gift
voucher from that good girl Alex. I was still knumb. At the same time I felt
quite lucky to have awoken and disturbed 'it' before it stole anything else.
Even my mobile and DVD was still there. I went back to bed and awoke in a
state of upset some time later. The morning was bright as I went over to the
church. My mind wasn't bahaving normally and my mood was low, but I just knew
the church would help. And it did. I settled down next to my partner for the
morning and did a few exercises to warm up. I wasn't took much into
conversation, but the lady I was with gave me a very nice reading to cheer me
up. She spoke of the road I was on, and that it would lead to a very happy
outcome in the distant future. That gave me hope. She taold me of the
turquoise protection I had around me. I hadn't told her I'd picked up a
turquoise stone for this very purpose just before I'd come out of the house
(along with an Amber to turn negativity into positive, and my Rose Quartz to
mellow out the anger and tension I'd been feeling lately). This protection
was also from spirit, who were also protecting me in their own way. After the
break I came back and enjoyed the healing good vibrations of the place. My
mind was clearing up well - god only knows what state I'dv'e been in if I
hadn't been at church that morning! One of the last exercises was a tast of
faith and surrender - a topic which had been coming up regularly all week. I
was led blind into the street by my parter, and then had to lead her back
inside - avoiding every sharp object and rough carpet along the way. It was
strange to be led blind like that, but very productive. It brought forward
once again the theory of 'surrender'. The day at work was thankfully very
ease after that, and there was enough to take my mind off things until I got
home. I had dealt with it all very well I thought. I was even in a good mood
- like things just couldn't get much worse that I had given up trying to
worry anymore. Strange..
The good
mood carried over into the next day (18th) for some reason - I didn't try to
work out why! I returned to the spiritualist church after 'um'ing and
'ahh'ing over whether or not to go at all. At last I went over and at down. I
was relaxed and unconcerned about the thought of actually standing up. In
fact I wasn't bothered about standing up at all. Yet a small voice inside of
me decided to take me deep inside myself and connect with those higher
chakras I imagined there were above my head. When I came out of the
meditation I decided to get up and say a few words. But just before I did so
I did an unusual thing; I scanned around the circle to 'imagine' where there
were spirit energies. Sure enough, there was one next to me, just behind a
group of women. I stood up and give off my philosophy. "I saw a film the
other night [pontiac moon], and during the film a guy, a red Indian, said
'Don't sweat the small things'. And then he said 'Everything is a small
thing'." I then went on to describe how we all worry needlessly about
the small things in life, and how, just one day afterwards, we sit back and
wonder just why we were so bothered by it all in the first place - often over
such trivial things. After my little ad-lib I turned to the ladies to my left
and asked if anybody knew the spirit whom I'd spoken to moments earlier.
"He says he was called Frederic, but everybody called him Freddy. He's
got black eyebrows; but I can't see his hair because he's wearing a flat cap.
He was forever wearing this flat cap! " One of the group said she could
accept this man completely. I didn't have time to worry or stop and wonder
why. I let the images form and gave her a tidy message about a situation she
was facing at the moment. I was one a high after the circle and spoke
naturally to many people. I was in seventh heaven. Francis came up to me at
one point and congratuated me on my performance. She said she was sending me healing
for the break-in. It was only when I got home that I had time to reflect on
the evening and just how well I'd done. And I was confident! Just by the fact
that I didn't worry - I was confident! I was enjoying myself and wasn't
affraid of anything. I'd surrendered myself to the present, come what may.
Surrender and faith had been on my mind for a few weeks now. Events just
seemed to spiral around the word, and I knew this was no co-incidence - this
paper trail had to lead somewhere.
I kept
working on the thought of this word and it's implications all week - whether
I knew it conciously or not. I found myself reading the pocket sized 'Little
Book of Happiness' during my lunch breaks, and reading over the same few
lines over and over. The book spoke of the fact that the only hinderance to
happiness is worry - and worry comes from desire and avertion. Work to let
these go and you'll be free. You mustn't worry about 'acting normal' or
anything. In fact, you mustn't even think about the fact that you are trying
not to worry. You mustn't think about feeling sad or unhappy either - you'll
only make them worse. Just let got of everything - the whole lot - even the
realisation of trying to let go in the first place. Just come back to the
present moment and let go. Come back, let go. It took a few more days for a
theory to come out of these eternally true words, but come it did.
While all
this was going on, I decided to go all out once again to helping my mood recover;
just like I did to get through my depression. I worse crystals all week -
including my new favourites, blue lace agate, amber and rose quartz. I slept
with a clear quartz, a lapis and a kyantite under my pillow. I used relaxing
techniqes every night to find where I was tense and flush it out. I reiki'd
the worsed areas. I put on a smile before work to allow the facial muscles a
little exercise. Smiling was also supposed to send positive chemicals to the
brain. I also put up my psychic barrier around my aura to help stop drains
and negativities (which had been giving me a headache). Every bit helps.
On Thursday
(21st) night/Friday (22nd) morning I remembered a strange dream. I just
remembered that somebody had said to me 'acting effeminately help you release
your tension and energy you keep inside.' I did used to act more
effeminately. I stamped that out as I put my energies into being a real man.
The male ego had taken over. I wasn't happy anymore. I was masking my true
self! So what if the way I behaved was a little off-center. I knew I wasn't
gay - the major sticking point in my mind - so what did it matter. Hell, I
could act however I chose to, and I didn't need to reassure myself that
people would assume I was gay because, well, I wasn't, simple as that. It was
ok to be me. That day I put this theory in motion and just let go of
everything. The week before I'd been constantly neurotic about how others
would see me with my long hair. Now I let that avertion go. Everytime the
small itching feeling appeared in my brain to trigger a little neurotic
worry, I just let it go and released it - and the worries dried up. I wasn't
wondering why I was so unhappy all the time - that worry dried up. In fact
the only things going around in my mind were the positive thoughts, and after
a while, these seemed to pick up my mood. I was feeling good and happy at
work. A weird feeling. To help with this process there was yet another help
on my horizon. Mars!
Horoscope for Week Beginning 23rd August: "Mars
moved into your sign back in June. It will remain in Pisces till the end of
the year. That on its own is unusual. Highly. Normally, it spends six weeks
to two months in any single sector of the sky. But that's just the beginning
of the story. Look up at the night sky this weekend. Scan around for the one
planet that looks like a flare or a firework. That's Mars, brighter than any
star, nearer the Earth than at any point in history. IN YOUR SIGN!!! Now,
er... what do you think this might signify? Are you ready to outshine all
around you? Are you standing by the shoreline of surrender, expecting to be
overwhelmed by a wave of inevitability? Then wade further out. Fashion a
board from the fabric of faith and prepare to surf on the tide of
serendipity. Build a boat of hope and start sailing the sea of possibility.
Don't just sit there telling yourself there's nothing you can do - reach for
the most obvious opportunity that you have and stop worrying about the
drawbacks. You will get help where and when you most need it. You will
experience success where and when you least expect it! You will find that
smart plans fail to take you very far - but sincere, inspired actions,
produce outstanding results." (c) Cainer.com
And there
was that word again - surrender. Even my horoscope predicted it. The next day
(23rd) was a Saturday, and work was heaving under the weight on thronging
customers. Still I continued with my 'happy' techniques and my 'let go'
theory. My mood was decidedly average to begin with, but then, as the day
unfoulded, I became happier and more sponteinious all the time. I was
chatting to customers, I was laughing with the staff. If all this was a
placebo effect, it sure was working a treat. And what was more, I wasn't
thinking about it, I was just letting things happen. Now these situations of
happiness had been known to happen on occasion. This time as ever, I wished
to god that it would stick around so I could uncover my true joyous self once
and forever. This time I felt different, like I'd stumbled on something real.
But I didn't worry about it. I'd simply carry one doing what I was doing over
the next week and see what happened. By the end of Saturday I was giddy with
positivity and joy. I was almost singing. Before I let for home I stopped to
debreif our night-shift worker. He'd been caught idling on the job. I tried
my best to coach his mind with a little morality, and let him feel like part
of the day-shift team. I helped to offload a few pallets of delivery and
really pulled my guts out to prove a point. I said 'goodbye' before I left
and let him carry one. I decided to take him under my wing for a bit. Now
that I'd stopped feeling shit, I was feeling more considerate towards others.
But there
was a big test in the way to test this new phenomina. On Monday (25th) I
awoke yet again in the middle of the night. I heard a rumour, a noise alien
to the night. Somebody was trying to break in through the kitchen window
again! I crawled out of bed and grabbed the chair leg I was keeping by the
bed. I shouted and came slowly down stairs. I had closed the window and put a
lock on the latch - which was now bent and out of shape as someone had tried
to force it open. The other tell-tale sign was the back gate was wide open. I
had just had the gate fixed the week before after the last break-in had let
it in ruins. I had also borrowed a tin of wood preserver off the neighbours
to give it a good protection (and hopefully defence) against onlookers - and
so had made sure it was closed securely. The burgler had not managed to get in
this time. I secured the window closed once again and sacrificed a healthy
inflow of air into the room. I didn't sleep too well after that, and the
nights were often spent lying awake listening to the sounds of the
refidgerator going off and on. Everytime I thought I heard a noise my
feelings changed and my guts crushed from the inside. I was determined to
know if this would happen again, so I pulled out the Tarot once again. The
news was a little brighter - there would be no more break-in, and the feelings
I was having would be temporary and would lead to a better understanding and
appreciation in the future. For now I would just have to put up with it.
Needless to
say, break-ins were a hot topic in conversation over the next week. On
Tuesday (26th) evening I saw one of my friendly neighbours out in the back
yard. She was hot with news. They were moving house this week - after 18
years in that house in Accrington. I would miss them, and knew I had to give
them a few parting gifts before they left next Saturday. I had been looking
forward to going back to work on Wednesday so I could try a few more
experiments in civility, but as could have been predicted, my desire to be
happy blocked out the path towards happiness. I was at least more cheerful.
That night I came home looking out for the shining light of Mars. Its
influence was changing within me, but I didn't know to what extent for a few
more days yet. Dawn telephoned and we had a long conversation about the Two
Towers DVD, Mars and everything in between. I had to pull myself back. My
head was saying I loved her, but my heart knew she already had a boyfriend;
and so I must respect her choises in life. My desires and lusts for her would
only currupt her heart and mine. Later I tried to ask my higher-self what
this situation was all about, but didn't get any clear answers. For some
reason, this future lay in my hands alone.
I passed
over the last few days of work quite quickly, but by the Saturday (30th) I
was ready for a break. My body was slowing down and my mind couldn't be
bothered anymore. The next week would be a much needed rest, and I hoped I
could get around to cleaning up the house and typing up a new Meaning of Life
project on the computer. These desires I knew never reached half way to my
hopes whenever I was off work, but I held on to them all the same. Desire was
the biggest problem in my life...
Horoscope for week beginning Saturday 30th:
"Things just can't stay as they are. You have to move forwards to the
next stage. Either you do so through a process of conscious decision-making
or you will find yourself being dragged towards the future by a series of
events and developments that are seemingly out of your control. There's
nothing sinister in the celestial picture nor is there anything problematic.
Overcome your desire to freeze one moment in time, so that it stays the same
forever, and you will rapidly realise how perfect your new opportunities
actually are." Cainer.com
September
Actually,
the Meaning of Life was the last thing on my mind over the week to come. The
first few days of the holiday was the usual winding down stage, and I didn't
accomplish much at all - except make plans to do things! By the following
Tuesday I was ready to sit down and do some graft. The Moon was waxing into
full, and Mars was bright on the horizon. The time had to be right for
revelation. I roved around a few of my old files and happened to be drawn to
an article I'd written on Vital Energy. A full day of typeing followed, and
the article miraculously turned into 'Vital Energy - The Source of all
Creation'; an article which happened to describe where life came from, what
healing is, what love is, and, most surprisingly of all, what God was! I'd
inadvertantly managed to describe in great detail the greatest mysterious
entity of all time! It took me a while to realise the scale of this concept.
It would either be hailed as one of the greatest theories of all time - or
the biggest load of rubbish ever conceved. Such a radical report was nothing
short of staggering, and I could see how it could be received without a great
deal of prejudice.
Later in the
weeks - after a bout of seveare 'housework' I was again drawn back to the
computer. This time towards one of my first articles about Spiritual
concepts. Looking back, I realised this work was one of the sloppiest and
most pathetic indescript pieces I'd ever come up with - so I got to work on
it. Leading on from my new awakening of Vital Energy, I managed to transform
this plain old junk into a complete description of how the Healing
Art/Therapies work and why we need them. Scarcly a single line of the
original article remained - without knowing it, I'd rewritten the whole thing
from scratch! Later that night, I saw that the moon and Mars were together
outside my kitchen window in a hollow between the white clouds; so I took a
picture of the scene. This had to be an omen.
On Wednesday
(3rd), Tracy, my Reiki Master came up from the Isle of Wight for a few days
and I caught up with her on the phone - but I couldn't see her that night as
I'd already arranged to go and see Dawn. I always looked forward to Dawns
company, and again the evening went quite well. A late film of 'Lolita' came
on the TV and we watched it as tiredness slowly brought the evening to a
close. During the film - and a sex scene - I found myself saying 'Why doesn't
this ever happen to me?' Dawn went quiet. Maybe she knew what my deep psyche
was trying to say. I wondered about Girlfriends for a while after that. I saw
all too clearly that I wouldn't have travelled this far down my Spiritual
path with a girlfriend, as I'd be spending so much time with her what I'd
just get out of the habbit. If I had one now, I would certainly have been
spending my free time with her, and would never have come up with such an
amazing article as Vital Energy - Source of all Creation!!
I caught up
with Tracy before she left again. We talked about her current problems -
which she had tried to get away from but had obviously brought with her - and
the state of affairs. I wasn't in such a happy mood; more solid and wise, not
gloomy, but not cheerful either. She invited me along to the house where she
was staying that night, and I had a pleasant evening out. I smoked a little
weed, but for once my mind soon returned to it's 'solid' state, which I liked
to have around me when talking to other people. It was nice to see her again,
but strange, like she had changed so much since the last time I'd seen her.
Maybe we were both changing quite quickly these days.
On Sunday
(7th) I was ready for a full day of activity. I had been invited to a 'works
do' as our manager was leaving, but befor that I had made arrangments to go
with Simon to the GMEX Mind, Body, Spirit fair. We set off before dinner and
got there in plenty of time to have a good look around. Everything was very
expensive - and even parking cose a fiver before we even got into the place!
The hall was packed but much smaller than I'd imagined it would be. I'd taken
£20 with me - the last of my sqander money - and that didn't go very far at
all. I felt a bit dissappointed as I'd expected it to be similar to Ilkley -
not smaller. Still, it was good to get out. We arrived in plenty of time to
talk before I went out that evening. Having Simon around again was also
strange; maybe it was just me after all? I don't think so. I think we were
growing up! At last I went out of the door and into a local pub to meet the
rest of the Asda rabble, and got busy on a glass of cider. After that I had a
good night of chat and fun. We all went over to have a meal at a local
restaurant and I had the good fortune to be sitting next to two of the best
looking women. The guy accross from me was keen to make sure I had plenty to
drink, and as I got slowly more tipsy, I would myself laughing and joking
about all sorts. The lady next to me was keen to learn about Reiki, so I
offered to heal her arm. I wound her up about it, and openly flirted - she
was married and so there was no harm in it so long as there wasn't anything
serious involved. The others went from pub to pub on a crawl which would last
most of the night. I bowed out just before my head caved in, and made my way
home tipsy but content. I hadn't got paranoid about anything all day (there
was a time when I would have dreaded going out on the town!!), so I was glad that
part of my once insecure life was now plainly history. I still wasn't in any
rush to got out more often - I still couldn't afford it. I checked the budget
the week after and found I would be completely in the red until April next
year! Besides, I wasn't that outgoing!
Before I
went back to work, I tried once again to finish off a long standing article
on Diagnosing Chakra Ailments. I kept on trying over the last fews days until
I was finally happy with it. It was long and boring to do this kind of research,
but after putting it all together, the complete work would be a great
reference for help me and many other people. All three articles were checked
and sent up onto the net. That week I found I had my first entry into the
Lifeschool Guestbook - and a positive response. That was a good feeling.
Back at
work and things quickly deteriorated to how ther were before. I bacame bored
and sullen all too quickly, and only one chance discovery half way through
the week cheered me up at all. I spent the whole day healing myself on Sunday
(14th) to recover and calm out all that tension. It seemed to do the trick.
But there was still one thing going around in my head every day. I realised
at last that I'd fallen in Love again with Dawn... It took a few more days to
recover my composure and overcome mindless swooning. I realised I fancied the
'thought of Dawn' rather than Dawn herself. I didn't know the real person;
only the friend I'd gotten to know reasonably well. I was attracted to
femininity, to gentle voices, to giggles, to long hair and large, shapely
figures. Dawn was the essence of what I was looking for but maybe not the
complete thing. I wasn't about to stalk her - or manipulate her away from her
boyfriend as my mind urged me to do. No, this was a major lesson for me. I
had to realise that this girl wasn't 'The One', and that I was getting nearer
the mark with every new girl I met. That much was clear - everything I ever
wished for in a girl eventually presented itself in from of me as a complete
person. Yet, everytime I met this person, I found this wasn't what I wanted
at all! Maybe what I wanted a year or so before, but not now! What did I want
now? I knew I must be getting nearer as I'd never felt this kind of desire
before. Dawn had something magical. If we were ment to be together then we
would drift together; there was no point trying to force it.
Sunday was
a good day at church as well. A medium named Sue stepped on the platform and
gave very good philosophy. Later, when she was going into her mediumship, I
noticed she was struggling to get strong links and solid evidence. By now I
could sence auras, and a quick scan of her aura showed that she had a vast
amount of personal energy - way higher than most other people, and so much so
that I could see a shimmering bubble of energy all around her whenever she
moved. As I scanned though her system, I noticed; or felt; something strange
about her Solar Plexus. For whatever reason, it didn't feel right, like some
negativity was in there. I used my will and imagination to pull some of this
out and she began to get better at delivering messages. After the service I
walked to her table and asked if she used any protection while she did a
service. I thought that a lack of protection had caused this 'negativity' to
creep in. She said she protected herself, and explained that all the chakras
- even the unseem Gold and Silver ones - were cleansed before a service. I
told her what I had done. 'Yes', she said 'I've just had treatment on my
higher intestines and kidneys - I was ill before I came in tonight'. That
would explain it then!
The next
day (15th) I had a dream of being taught by some kind of master. In the
morning I couldn't remenber a thing about it but I found I was thinking about
things in a different way. For one thing - mind over matter; and the power of
the mind to manipulate matter. A couple of days before, I was cooking one of
my usual mish-mash frozen dinners in the oven. The food was in there for the
standard half-an-hour, but when I took it out to eat it, the food was still
frozen inside. Strange!, I thought. I was beginning to realise that whenever
I thought this, it was for a very good reason - like it represented something
I should be seeing more clearly. (I think it refered to my defrosting (but
still frosty) heart). On this day I wanted to cook a chicken; so I could
prepair all my meals in one go; and I wondered if the cooker was ok. Only
minutes after I placed the bird in the over, there came a knock on my door.
'Sorry to bother you, but it's time for your yearly gas checkup, can I come
in?' Miracle!? The gas man was a friendly chap who I'd seen around for years,
so I knew he'd check my cooker and fix it. By the time he left, I was 100%
confident of the ability of my old cooker once again. Who knows why the man
came on that day, just when I needed him. Was it my own mind magnetism or was
it some other 'force'?
Mike rang
me later in the afternoon to invite me up to a nearby new-age camp to help
set-up his yurt. The afternoon was warm and the wind fresh as I laboured and
chatted to Mike, whom I hadn't seem since Glastonbury (a distant memory by
now). He was overjoyed to report that he'd had the plaesure of a womans
company, and they they had enjoyed many adventures together around the
country. It seemed to do him the power of good. But I had to leave around 7pm
to get the the church on time for the Open Circle. The mood was a little low
in the place as I came in, but something in my head said I'd be doing the
opening prayer. I'd never done this before, so why should I think I was doing
it now? Sure enought, Keith called on me to open the evening. Just as well as
I had been hastily running it over in my mind. Again, was it my mind who
'expected' this to happen (and so it did) or was it pre-destined? Either way,
I wasn't in any shape to come up with a good prayer, and stuttered my way
through it. We all sat down, but I knew I didn't want to stand up with any
messages. I used my newly found 'psychic sight' to watch as beams of energy
linked speakers with sitters, and I played a good predicting game as I could
see where the speaker was going before they did. I also 'looked' around at
auras and of the many spirits who were around. I didn't realise until later
that this 'psychic sight' did take a lot of Vital Energy to use, and that I
was draining it from the circle to do so. Thats why there were precious few
messages that night - I wasn't putting energy into the circle but draining
the circle of it. I would have to watch this next time. In the meantime,
Keith (the one running the circle) was furious that we hadn't been 'working'
as well as we could. Seeing it in more perspective, I didn't take his
comments to heart - although the others did, and were less encouraged but
more put-off by the whole situation. This was all judgement on my part, but I
had been learning to trust my judgements of late - something I shunned a
while back thinking 'who am I to judge?'; - I was getting ready for the new
psychology course which was coming up in less that two weeks.
But all that
psychic exercise wore me out and left me drained - like I'd run a marathon.
The effects didn't begin straight away - it took a few days for my body to
use up it's reserves of 'health' to leave me in a state of weakness. On
Tuesday (15th), I felt no different, exept for the fact that my mind was
going into overdrive coming up with all kinds of solutions and philosophies.
I couldn't stop it. Some of the subjects I was tackling were truely mind
opening - but I ended up tying myself in knots sometimes. That night, an old
mental pattern crept in while I was trying to get to sleep. I was imagining I
was the Prime Minister of Great Britian, and that I was part of a newly
elected socialist party called the 'New Radicals'. I imagined I was my
fired-up, passionate, and potentially wacky inner self - with the ideas to
solve all the problems the country was facing. By saving the country
£3.2billion by downsizing the arms budget, I could plough the money back into
the community. By the end of it, the armed forces were leaner, meaner, more
sofisticated, better equipt, and costing one-fifth of the price to maintain -
saving endless billions. One thing lead to another, and by the end of it I
have completely overhauled the juditial system, education, transport, the
health system, the police and fire services, and even improved the community
by providing a free 2 billion 'community chest' based on the arms savings.
The catylist, and cause, of all this brain activity, was the fact that I now
had a regular Prime Ministers Slot on the telly, in which I furiously kept
the public up to date on recent goings-on and asking for help with any new
ideas. I remember even going so far as to say 'All your ideas are sent to a
sorting office, when 3,000 ex-homeless people (a couple of supervisors and a
skilled manager) collate them all and send the most notable up to me, where I
immidiately put a taskforce in charge of new cases each week - big or small.
This has also cleared the streets of Londons homeless by 95%. I mean - you
don't need a house or qualifications to open a letter!! You don't need a PHD
to recognise a good idea.' By now hours were passing, and I wasn't getting
any sleep. Finally I had to resort to 'exhausing myself' to sleep, which
worked a treat.
The next
day I got up and went to work, but by the end of the day I came back
absolutely knackered. I acked all over and my head fealt like a billiard
ball. I took a bath to sooth those muscles, and used Amethyst to help with
the headache, but these drained me even more. I didn't sleep much that night.
The next day (18th) I awoke with a terrible headache. My eyes were sore, like
they had shrunk in my head, and my body ached with a terrible throb. I went
to work again, and tried to use Amethyst and Turquiose to help the pain.
About 5pm I realised that puny crystals weren't any match for a sore head,
and resorted to Paracetamol - which worked like magic. The same happened the
day after, until, by the end of the week, I had leaned to my cost that
crystals are no substitute for medicine. I had also learned something else;
any stress at work caused my eyes to narrow, and this caused my headache to
get even worse. To combat all this, I avoided stressing at all costs - and
actaully had a plaesant week without anything getting to me except the boredom
of the job. On Saturday, I walked to work, and noticed that I spent nearly
all of my life in a fantasy world or mental cage - either in the house doing
my own thing, at work in my barely functional state, or even in the car to
and from work - I was always thinking about something. I wondered if a
balance between 'reality' and 'mentality' would help. So on the way to work I
was only aware of the world. I tried to maintain this at work, but like all
my dabblings with 'awareness' I found the more I wanted to be aware, the more
I was not. Half an hour later, a call went over the tanoy for me to go to the
foyer - the staff were having a conga around the isles. The rest of my
department ran away screaming, but I joined in. The line began to move, and I
didn't feel embarraced at all. In fact I was cheered up by it all, and stayed
in a good mood all day. First impressions matter, and this first impression
set me up for the rest of the day - start as you mean to go on. The boss
asked if I'd like to do any overtime over Christmas and I took leasurely
replied that I didn't want to work one single hour extra. After all, I rated
my free time on this planet more than the mind-knumbing chains of Asda, or
the money that came with it. Then I went into the comfy room and had a laugh
with the boys. This too was unusual as I would normally go out for a
cigarette. I thought about giving up, and remembered came up with reasons for
and against. At this point, I couldn't give up because I was still ill, and
there was no way I was stressing myself out any more than I needed to.
On Sunday
(21st), the body was in good shape again, but the eyes were still sunken. I
texted a couple of jokes to Dawn and then went upstares to check the e-mail.
A couple of days this week I'd started singing love songs when I got out of
bed and wandered into the bathroom. I never sang this early in the day
usually - if at all - but there were many other pointers which shouted
'you're in a romantic mood!!'. I would think about kids and how they bring joy
to life. I'd look at women on TV and feel warm inside. Today I found a girl
had replied to an ad I'd placed on a New-Age connections site in my last fit
of companionship. I remembered the lines of philosophy for the fansastic
movie 'Fallen' I'd seen the night before - 'what will you do when the moment
comes?'. What could I do? This was the moment. I could either reply and set
wheels in motion, or not. I looked over the mail for clues and found one or
two things which said 'hold on...' For one thing, she placed Wicca first on
her list of interestes and I'd placed it at the bottom of mine. This was
something I didn't want to get back into. The most mysterious thing of all
was that (yet again!) this girl matched the description of what I wanted in a
woman from a year ago. I'd sent out wishes and spells for this, and now, now
that the magic had come back to me with an answer, was it really what I
wanted? I put on some music and asked for inspiration. I heard 'If you don't
like rock n' roll, well it's too late now!!' This was a rock and a roll. I
wanted to reply to the mail, but things kept getting in the way. I clicked
'reply' and my machine ran out of memory. I cleared it up and went onto the
connections site to find out more about her, but she wasn't listed. I tried
again to mail her but the machine crashed! I said 'Ok, I get the message!'
and deleted the mail without regret. When the computer came back on, I went
to the horoscope page to find out what was going on:
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 20th September
2003: "You're not sure what you've got, but whatever it is, you've got
it bad! Actually bad, in this context, is good. Your refusal to accept things
as they are is setting a lot of much needed change in motion. While even your
most unrealistic desire is serving a very practical purpose. You are becoming
the reason why a set of unsatisfactory circumstances cannot continue. Yet you
are tired of the tension. You need a holiday from hassle and a chance to
remember what it feels like to be gently supported by a kindly cosmos. Soon,
you'll get that!" (c) cainer.com
I realised
that love was the disease I was really fighting - when would I be healed?
September also! I noticed that my relationships always began in the latter
half of the year. I ment Dawn and Alex both in September (one of the 25th and
the other on the 27th). Arwen was June going into July. Christine was August.
But September always lead to major changes. I had joined the Buddhist center
in September, and stayed until the following September; when I discovered the
Spiritualist church. I think I even began to go out with my first girlfriend
just before School started again in September. Well, yet again, things were
falling into place. More things than I can describe. I could see them a mile
away. What I had to decide now was what I wanted to do with this moment - to
play the game or not. I decided to go with the flow as I always did - to wait
and see. I didn't mind whatever the outcome - so long as there was one! That
night I received a message from spirit at the Church. My Granded had come
through to say he'd been watching over the situation. The medium mentioned a
letter I'd be writing, and I knew she was talking about the e-mail. Then she
said 'make your mind up will you!; just decide on one thing and stick to
it!'. That's easier said than done - if I keep changing, then my mind will
change as well. 'Don't be affraid to make a giant step forward,' was the
advice, 'and I'll be with you'. I'd been asking for so many major changes
that I wondered which one I was supposed to be looking at. I suppose the ball
lay in my court - I had to decide. All I had to do was to make up my mind in
any one area and then just go for it. While thinking about this the next day,
a song was playing entitled 'Tell me what you want and I'll give you what you
need.'
Simon
called me the next morning (22nd) to say he'd booked himself on the Leeds
Landmark Forum - much to my relief. I'd been wondering lately whether he'd go
through with it. The next step was to get myself on it. That afternoon I
pulled out the old debit card and called them up. I found out that the place
wasn't actually in Leeds city at all, but in Ilkley (20mins drive away) in a
local hotel. There was no accomodation or food included in the price. After a
while I began to chat to the guy at the other end, and got an idea of what
the cource was all about. It still sounded interesting, despite the 13-15
hour days and the mental stress involved. It looked like my plans to stay
with Simon may have to be scrubed after all. After I put the phone down, I
checked the place out on the net. The rooms were £85 a night. My budget was
£40 for the whole five days! Oh well, I didn't mind sleeping in the car...
I called Dawn
later in the week (25th) to find out how her Psycology A Level course had
gone the night before. She was in a very good mood, as was I, and we chatted
about the course and her recent goings on for a good hour. I was looking
forward to my own A Level Psycology coming up on Friday - and Dawns support
ment I had nothing to worry about. The next night, I bumped into Dave on the
way home from work. He gave me a lift back, and an exchange, he delighted
himself by giving me endless 'buck your ideas up!' advice; which I took with
a pinch of salt. He tried his best to convince me that living on a pittance
wage in a crummy job was a bad idea. Rather than put up an argument why I
really liked only working 4 days a week in, as it turned out, a very cushy
number, I let him talk and stayed polite. Dave wasn't having any of it, and
tried to convince me that I'd be better off earning four times as much money
doing manual work. Ha! Me, do manual work! No thanks. I was quite happy as
things stood. I'd budgeted for everything, and I could afford exactly what I
wanted in life - including endless £275 courses and a new car! He didn't get
the picture - I wasn't a materialist - in fact I was happier without vast
stashes of disposable income to sqander on things I didn't need.
Finally,
Friday (26th) came and I got up at the ungodly hour of 8:45 to get to college
for 9:15. A New course was in the pipeline - Psychology A Level - and with it
a new hope of enthusiasm. I got up there in plenty of time, but was directed
to the wrong room altogether, and had to walk all the way back to reception
after getting comfortable in the wrong class. Dawn said this would happen as
the same thing happened to her - so at least I was prepaired for it. I
arrived at last in the right class and found there were few in the group;
about 15 in all. The class was silent for the most part, making me feel
uncomfortable. The sooner we bonded the better. At least I teamed up with
another likely lad during the break and we chatted outside about films and
DVD players. The teacher, Ray, was very enthusiastic and charismatic, which
helped the lesson flow with great speed - although the weight of facts and
figures were lost on most of us. After the lesson I, and the other
part-timers, stayed behind to fill in a short apptitude test. Dawn had also
warned me about this, and I had all night to dream of the best answer. I went
home, and considered the lesson, and hoped the next one would be more
interesting, and that we'd all get involved to argue out the case instead of all
sitting around feeling uncomfortable. The day dragged after that. I hated
mornings and and I was in no mood to work. To make matters worse, we were
short of staff, and there were only two of us in in the evening.
My legs
were knumb with all that standing up, and my mind was suffering as a result.
At least the bad mood parted as I got home, and the psychic headache I'd been
carrying since last week was finally on it's way out. But the day wasn't over
yet. I picked up the phone to reply to a message left from my mother. She
answered and said she'd broken up with her boyfriend (again). This time I
felt like this was it, the final showdown. I was glad she'd had the courage
to say something and kick him out before things got too bad. If he had walked
out again, her mind would have been in tatters. Anyway, that had not happened
and Mum was now in quite a confident and foreward looking mood considering.
She talked for an hour and I felt grateful that she wanted to talk to me
about this rather than anybody else, and that things had turned out for the
best. She asked me to do another tarot spread since the last one had been so
accurate - I declined saying 'wait until things settle first'. Appart from
that I was knackered!
Surprisingly,
the next day (27th) I felt much better. The good thing about my job was that
I could do as much or as little as I liked to get through the day. It was
usually better to put the effort in and do plenty to make the day more
satisfying and more mentally stimulating for me. Today I just did as much as
I needed to, and spent most of it thinking to myself in the back room. There
were plenty of girls about today, and some of them I noticed were very nice.
An asian girl had also tried to make conversation the night before while I
went out for a break. At the time I was in a severely run-down mood and
hardly spaired her the time of day. Today I realised she was interested in
me, and we even shared a cigarette. When I got home and put my feet up, I get
a message warning me not to get too close to Dawn. 'Leave her be for four
weeks', it said, 'if you haven't found a girl in that time, and you still
want Dawn, then go back - but give yourself this time to be open to other
opportunities.' I'd even had that e-mail from a girl replying to my connections
ad. Why all this in the last week? Even my horoscope said there was a chance
of soul mates meeting after the 24th of September. Well ok, I'd pull away
from Dawn for a while to make room for somebody else. If anything was going
to happen, then all indictions said this was the most likely time.
The weekend
had one or two minor insights of it's own. At church on Sunday I was treated
to an amazing show which I'm sure convinced most of the congregation that
there must indeed be life after death. I didn't get a message but for those
who did, the level of detail involved in the messages was second to non. That
night I went back to a philosophy I'd played with a while ago. It occured to
me that quite a lot of things I wanted from life were things I'd already enjoyed
in my youth - living for the moment, sponteneity, joy, playfulness,
non-judgemental, feeling rather thank thinking, imagining, creative, free.
There were many ways to get in touch with this 'inner child', and this surely
was a positive way forward. The week before I had made the effort to begin my
autobiography. It was surprising what I managed to get out of crawling
through those old echos and memories, and simply remembering how things used
to be put me in a better frame of mind - is if I was aware of what got me to
where I am now and felt more 'present' because of it. All that struggling to
get a car and a house - and now here I was, at last realising that I had
acheived my goal, and was much happier for it. No more frantically rushing
out to get to where I was going; to escape the past at all costs. I was now
fully escaped from that past. It was time to settle down and take stock. To
stop running.
October
October
came like a bird on the wind. At last I realised the year was nearly up,
already! It seemed that, yet again I'd been looking forward to the highlights
of the year, and so much so that the year had passed like lightning. At least
October was the month I'd finally get to go on the Landmark Forum - and
hopefully, according to everybody who had any opinion on any of this, was
going to be the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Before then however, I
had the Psycology class to get back to.
I went back
in that Friday (3rd) to find more of the same as the week before. Aftr the
first lesson I had been left in a state of disappointment. I had hoped for an
interesting look at how people work and how the world turn. Now I found that
nobody really knows how people work or how or if the world turns - it was all
conjecture, and I for one wasn't having any of it. Unfortunately, whenever I
opened my mouth, I felt like I was interupting and played devils advocate to
peeve off the teacher; so I didn't bother and bit my lip while insults to my
logic passed by my left and right ears. There were some things which made me
sit up and think, but there were too many things which made me sink down and
switch off. Not the sort of lesson I really wanted to sit through at this
time in the morning. Still, I hoped things would pick up later one when the
class bonded and we could all get down to a good arugment.
The car was
ill. I bought a set of spark plugs for it thinking it would make the thing
run smoother. Then a distributor lead broken and I had to wait another day
before I could fix it. Then I remembered that I'd phoned Dawn to say I could
come around that night; and that things had stopped me getting there. I
remembered the message I'd had about giving her 4 weeks. Even though I wanted
to see her, I couldn't. But she didn't call me back to say it was ok, so I didn't
push it. The car stayed in trouble all week, and dispite spending more on
trying to get it right, things just weren't happening. I had a dream one day
about it. I drempt that the car had broken down on the opposite side of the
motorway and was pointing the wrong way. I went over and started it up. The
road was down-hill at least and I managed to jump-start it and set off. Then
I realised there were cars coming up the hill towards me, so I had to slow
down and hope the car didn't stall again. Then I was faced with a roundabout;
and I knew I could go iff in any direction; but the dream ended there. Now it
seemed I was going around the roundabout. At work I saw a girl I quite
fancied and we made contact. But we didn't meet again all that week. My mind
was open to change, in fact change I welcomed then, just to get my heart
pumping again.
I'd have to
put more money into the car to get it fixed, which I had, bearly. A nice lady
from the Landmark called me up on Sunday (5th) and I payed off the last £225
course costs. We spoke a while and she outlined one of the main principles
she had found useful - designing ones own goals and going for them. How easy
the world became when goals are planned and put into motion, how things come
together to make things work if one makes up ones mind. That reminded me of
the other important message I'd had 'Just make your mind up and stick to
it!', but I was sure this message stood for something (or someone) else as
well.
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 4th October
2003: "What do you know... and why do you know it? Has someone planted
an idea in your mind? Has a particular piece of information been carefully
leaked in order to encourage you to form an opinion? You are receiving
regular messages from one part of the world yet all is strangely silent in
another. Look beyond the obvious. That which is hidden may yet have an
enormous impact on the situation you are trying to assess. Make it a policy,
over the next few days, to talk to people you don't normally hear from."
(c) cainer.com
The next day
I got to work on my autobiography once again. The years were now getting
confused in my head, and I had to rearrange a few things on paper to fit
actual events. As I was getting nearer the present day, I noticed I was
taking more time to detail each year and the sections were getting longer and
longer in anticipation for the Diary of 2001 which this preface was leading
up to. Once again, after I had completed a huge chunk of the 'depression
years' I came out of it feeling slightly depressed again, as if just
remembering this ancient history brought up some long supressed feelings I
thought had gone long ago. Still, it was good therapy, and I was sure this
was a good thing to get out into the open. I called Dawn and she seemed
interested enough to want to read it. I wondered whether she'd feel sorry for
me after finding out my life story - and did I really want this result?
Maybe? Tuesday (7th) was a bright sunny day to boose my low moral. I picked
up the car from the garage once again and was charged £15 for the privilage.
I wasn't satisfied with it, and took it for a drive on the motorway to blow
out the cobwebs. Half way along the journey I pulled into a layby and poured
flush fluid into the carb and the fuel system. To good thing about motorways
is that I could rev the car up loudly without worrying any neighbours. At
last the engine was hot and ready to rock. When I got home I worked out the
budget yet again. Things didn't look good. Although I just had enough money
to pay for the Forum and the car tax, I had absolutely nothing else left for
this month or the next. There were three birthdays on November; my Mothers,
Dawns and Martins - in that order. I'd already bought a book for Dawn and
Martin was going to recieve one of my old wooden cabinets to store music in.
I wandered into the Glory Hole with a tape for Bevery and while I was in
there I asked if they had anything with Fairys on. I bought the very last
bird bath in the shape of a leaf with a fairy sat on one side, but when I got
it home I wasn't happy with the way one of hooks went into the base. As I
forced it to curve around a bit, the whole thing broke. Agghh! Yet more
expense to fix this thing! Another of my personal philosophies came into my
head; and one which I often recalled everytime this sort of thing happened -
'don't try to improve on a good thing' - similar to 'don't look a gift horse
in the mouth'. The present should have been £6.50 but I got it for £4.50 -
just what I could afford, and now I wasn't happy with it - and look what
happened! In fact this always happened whenever I tried to improve something
which wasn't exactly perfect. Maybe I'd learn this lesson one day - I sure
hoped so!
I finally
got in touch with Mike and he came around Thurday (9th) night. To begin with,
he was open and keen to offer his advice - to the point of telling me what to
do - in a kind way. We sat for a while and talked. The conversation turned to
my finantial situation as I explained I couldn't buy the things he insisted I
should buy. As we spoke I felt like the conversation was degrading into
exactly the same head-bash8ing I'd endured with Dave a few weeks before. Mike
was on the same rant. He insisted I had a problem with money and a pesent
attitude. I knew I didn't - I was always thankful for money, and knew I could
always afford just what I needed at just the right time. I honoured money and
respected it, but didn't abuse it. Mike saw it differently, and said that if
I was to make my latest plan work, I'd have to spend money (which I didn't
have) in order to make it work. My bank balance was stretched to the very
limit, and I'd even planned to ask Simon for a loan to tide me over. I hated
Mike telling me than I was somehow wrong in my attitude when I knew very well
that I'd covered all the angles and considered all the options; but I let it
go as I knew he was only trying to help.
Not long
after, I was reading through the 'Return of the King' ready for the movie
release next month, when I heard a strang sound coming from the kitchen, like
a clicking sound. It was three in the morning and I was ready for bed, but I
went to investigate anyway. As I stood looking at my back door, I could head
a sound like someone was playing with the doorkey from the other side. I
moved nearer the window and heard the noise stop and then a rustle as a shape
ran from the door and out through the gate. I shouted after him - the bane of
my year, the theif. I tried the door but the handle was loose in my hand.
This guy had taken my door handle off from the other side trying to get in! I
slowly went out of the front door and around to the back to take a better
look. Sure enough, there was no handle on the door, but the key was secure on
the other side and there was no way to turn it or force it out from the back.
I was shaken up, and wondered whether this guy would be coming back anytime
soon. I held my breath and crept around the back lane - checking yards and
strange noises to so if some shape was lying in wait somewhere - just waiting
to spring out and rampage my door once again. I found nothing and uneasily
went back and to bed. The next day I had to get up for college, but my mood
was understandably rough. The class wasn't friendly today, and it seemed like
everytime I opened my mouth, the teacher would attempt to close it with jibes
or other put-downs. He blatantly said 'I was wrong'; and I'd had enough of
that the night before. My mood got darker as I let the lesson and speeded off
into town spend money I couldn't afford on new locks and bolts for the back
door - I had time to put only one bolt across the back door before work. Work
was easy that day, but it seemed like I couldn't help telling everybody what
a torrid time I'd had lately. Within hours, word had got around to everybody
that I'd been broken into (yet again) and eveybody was sympathetic. At one
point I nearly broke down to my supervisor. I was almost shocked to find
myself close to tears over this thing. Later on, after telling the evening
staff why I was in such a foul state, I was still turning over the matter in
my head when my mind turned to that ass-hole teacher who'd made me feel like
my opinion counted for nothing. I went though all he had said and imagined
myself telling him just what I thought of him; all the names I could come up
with to describe this egotistical, arrogant, dogmatic, domineering,
self-righteous, shovanist, sick asshole, and I began to smile. I imagined his
reply to these insults, trying as he would to put me down - and my response
to this reply, until eventually I was smiling and laughing at the whole
thing. After that - just like the last time I'd been broken into - I found
myself in a good mood despite the weight over my head. I was happy around the
customers and almost began to chat up a girl who came to the desk with a DVD.
I didn't know why. It was as if the gods had pulled me out of depression to
save my feelings yet again. I was still in a positive mood when I returned
home. More bolts were placed over the back door, and another with a pad-lock
over it was installed on the back gate. I took one of the handles off the
back bedroom door and used it to open the back door once again. At last I
could get out of my own house again. 'That'll show you!' I exclaimed as I
went to bed. I still checked the door every night after that, and even left
the kitchen door open to make it look like I was still up, but I quickly put
the episode behind me - thank god!
Saturday
(11th) was an easy day and I got home to think about the week and relay. I
took a smoke and though a few things over. To my shock, I realised that girls
had been trying to talk to me all week, but I just wasn't aware or conscious
enough to recognise it at the time. Almost one girl every day had come to
talk or was plainly interested; from the cleaning girl who'd I'd given first
aid to (and who smiled in my direction ever after), to customers - one of
which asked 'Can I take a walk with you into the back.' I mean, how obvious
was that! And how blind in myself could I be not to notice this at all!!
Maybe I was being steered away from these girls. Maybe I just wasn't
interested in them, or maybe I wasn't quite ready within myself. Whatever the
reason, every week there was some realisation of this - when would I wake
up?! I'd even tried to practice awareness that Saturday afternoon - becoming
aware of the sounds and sights around me, placing myself in the moment. And
that lasted about five minutes.
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 11th October
2003: "The world is full of people who worship the great god, money.
They believe it has total power. Yet the funny thing is, even when you
actually do have enough of this stuff to pay your rent and fill your belly,
you don't get any wiser, kinder, smarter or more talented. I mention this
only because... well, I reckon you probably know why. You are now struggling
to make ends meet. But you'll find, if you just stop struggling, that they
end up meeting anyhow." (c) Cainer.com
Money was
indeed the focus of this week, and also spirituality and morality. The next
day (Sunday 12th) I got to work on the autobiography again. My mind wasn't
altogether gears towards it, and I moved towards the file reluctantly.
Bringing up the matters of my dark past life brought on uneasy feelings at
best, but I thought I'd better get it done. But as I moved the mouse over to
the file, I inadvertantly deleted it! So I had to go thought the process of
undeleting it before I could go any further. This was irony at work - as if
it represented myself 'undeleting' these memories which had lay in the depths
for so long now. By the time I'd got the file up on screen I was ready to
make a crack at it. The music on the HiFi was Underworlds Beaucoup Fish
album; a fantastical and yet completely mad album which set my mind towards
the realistically insane thoughts of depression and suicide I was writing
about. After an hour I'd moved through one of the most horrible experiences
of my life, and yet I didn't want to stop there, I wanted to move on and go
deeper while I was in the mood for it. As I came away from the computer after
hours of mental maniputative torture I felt drained and quite miserable. I
went for a break downstairs and reflected up the whole thing. At least I
could accociate these mental images with my own life at last - and not just a
reflection of somebody I didn't know anymore. I didn't go to church because I
couldn't afford the £1 donation or the petrol. Things were getting tight.
The next
day (13th) I found a spare £1 lying under a pile of washing-up and I saw this
as a sign to help me get to the Awareness Class that evening. The class was
overflowing, and the teachers spent little time deciding what they wanted to
do. They asked if anybody would like to stand up and give any clairvoyance or
philosophy. I put my hand up, and before the session finished I fould myself
on stage talking about Personal Responsibility. I really wanted this to help
me get over the stage fright which put a hinderance on my speech and any
chance of clear thought I might have had, but I failed to make any process
with that. Still, I was glad I'd got up and speak as I'd planned all along.
The leaders of the group also said there would be a chance to stand on stage
during the Christmas service and give a few words or a poem. I'd just
finished a poem called Perfect Weather, although I thought this peice must be
too strong for a Christmas service. But something had stired inside me as the
Landmark Forum approached, and since September; was the Spiritualist movement
where I wanted to be? Sure, I'd put off going nearly every week for ages.
This evening would be the last time I'd attend the Blackburn Spiritualist
church in 2003, maybe my time with the church was over....?
I called
Simon that night and I arranged to go over and see him the next day -
although I did complain that the car wasn't fit for long journeys. I set off
in plenty of time the next night and at first the car seemed to be going
fine. Then I made a wrong turn and things started to got badly. Luckily I had
a map to put me back on the right road, but as I drew nearer to his country
retreat the engine bagan to make noises. Just as I made it to the road
leading up to his village I pulled over and checked things out. The oil had
run dry yet again! I put lots in to make up for it, but the engine wasn't the
same. We made plans for the Landmark Forum and had a chinese meal before I
came back. I started the engine - which made a terrible clanking noise and
failed to rev. Still, I had to chance it. I set off. The petrol guage was
nearly in the red so I held back. Just like the Glastonbury fiasco, I nursed
the car all the way back and didn't dare to go over 60mph. At last I came
into Accrington. The engine was holding out so I decided to thank it by
puting a tenners worth of fuel into it. This was my last finantial mistake.
Work was ok
the next week, although I felt quite low. But on Wednesday (15th) I came upon
a prospect. I overheard a member of staff complaining that a customer was
buying a pack of 10 minidiscs for just a penny. This came to my hears for a
reason and I knew it. I'd been tempted by things at work for a while now, and
knew this was just another test on my morality. I was weak and I knew it. So
I went into the store-room and took out 12 packs of 10 = 12p for the lot.
This was stealing and I knew it, even though these things were legitimately
scanning at that price. After work I went over to a 'friend' on the customer
service desk - someone who wouldn't raise the alarm. But she was busy with an
awkward customes. I waited for five minutes but this situation wouldn't be cleared
up in time. A girl from my department can up to ask a question, and I had to
take her glance away from the basket full of minidiscs. There was nothing
else for it, I'd have to chance a checkout. As soon as I'd put the stuff down
on the conveyour, the woman glared at me and said 'I know what you're
doing..!' I kept a cool head and a deep, clear voice, and confidently told
her that this had been ok'd and that I could take this stuff (a lie). After a
moment she reluctantly put the stuff through and I got away with it. That was
a narrow escape. I had legally bought this stuff - which was destined to
become presents for Martins Birthday and Simon for Christmas, and for myself
of course - but I'd just defrauded the company out of over £170 and I knew
it. One side of me was glad I'd taken this opportinuty while I had been
offered it. The other half of me was cold and not at all spiritual about the
whole thing...
I kept my
head down the next day just in case this women decided to tell a manager the
whole story, but ¡ kept positive and that didn't happen. That night,
something inside me drew me to the bank to check my balance. To my horror I
found that my £200 overdraft would be breached my £25 on fours days time, and
I would be charged a lot for that privilage. With money tight the next month,
there was no way I could pay off any fines. The spreadsheet gave me some
clues as to where I could save a penny or two. The cigarette budget was put
on ice, and so was the lunch money I needed for Asda. At last I only needed
£6 to get though. Surprisingly, over the next few days I found this an
interesting challenge, and quite enjoyed it. I was determined to find the
money somehow. The first place I tried was the gas and electricity board.
They agreed that they owed me £25 which would arrive within 7 to 10 days -
too late!!. I tried Martin to see if he had what he owed me - which was £6
exactly - but he had no spare until the next week - too late!! The estate
agents owed me £6 for the locks I'd fitted to the doors, so maybe they could
help; but they wouldn't be open until Monday and that was a last resort. By
now it was Sunday afternoon, and I called Mike to ask if he had a tenner he
could lend me. He said he had! Success!. He agreed to come over, and I'd post
the cash into the machine that night so it would be credited on my account
before the next day. The irony is that if I hadn't spent money on locks
I'd've been ok. The other ironey is that I'd have lots of spare cash just the
week after I needed it! Well, I was playing the game of life, and it was
turning out to be quite fun. So I got the money and put what I needed into
the bank. It was now 11.00pm on Sunday night, and with one hour to spare I'd
made my deadline. I went on the spreadsheet a final time just to make sure, and
low and behold!, I was still 52p short!!! This game was not over yet!
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 18th October
2003: "Be cool calm and collected. Think of yourself as a spark of the
divine. Respect your own entitlement to peace, comfort, serenity and
enlightenment. Resist the urge to be drawn towards sources of inevitable
vexation. Remember that darkness has only one purpose, to extinguish light.
If your own truth burns brightly, nothing can cause it to fade or dim. Much
may be less than ideal now, but if you stick with what you know to be right
and good, you will yet manage to work healing magic in the areas of life
where all is most sore or inflamed." (c) Cainer.com
At last I
completed my autobiography - which left me in a sorry state of affairs. Yet
it was good to get it all out on paper. I added one or two things more over
the week but at least I was ready to move on. I was also glad to close that
chapter (or leave the book open) ready for the Landmark Forum, which I still
didn't have a clue how it would change my life, I just knew it would. Work
was pretty hum-drum, and I realised that life was passing me by quite
quickly.
One night I
had another unexpected phone call from Tracy. She was keen to advertise an
up-coming seminar in Glastonbury by her new found Guru. As it turned out, the
day this was to take place (27th Nov) I would be half way through a booked
weeks holiday off work, and by the end of the call, Tracy had convinced me to
come down and see this guy, and then spend the rest of the week with her on
the Isle of Wight. Things were still sketchy as I didn't have any money, but
Tracy promised to work this one out. I hoped for the best, and wondered where
my high hopes had gone for this year. It seemed only a short while since
summer; when I hopefully thought things would go my way soon. They hadn't. So
much for my 'lucky year' and being '27 years old on the 27th of February'.
What a let down... or was it?
Horoscope for Thursday October 23rd: "You probably
won't notice a difference today or tomorrow. But slowly, soon, you should
start to detect Neptune's new direction. Since May it has been moving
backwards causing much to proceed at something of a snail's pace. Now you
have got the astrological equivalent of a following wind. It may take a while
before it really starts blowing but at least it is no longer continually
trying to push you off course. " (c) cainer.com
Friday
(24th) was a horrible day at work and I wore out my energy reserves trying to
keep up. The next day I was so tired I was stuck in second gear all day. At
least that had it's advantages. Firstly I was saving my energy for that
night, when Dawn had invited me over to watch a film. Secondly I could take
things in my stride - and even though the day was still hectic, I was plotting
along quite happily at my own pace. I was actually accused of 'looking happy'
by a surprised workmate. Maybe I was too knackered to care and let things get
to me. That night I went along to Dawns and we sat together for the first
time in over five weeks. At last I understood why a voice had told me to wait
four weeks before I saw her again - and try as I might, fate wouldn't let me
go near Dawn any sooner. I left the house around 4am and headed home, but for
some reason I wasn't wrapped in my love bubble any more. I wasn't thinking
about Dawn every day anymore, and I wasn't planning conversations in my head
for whenever I saw her again. No. I'd reached my peace at last, and although
Dawns was undenyably a great girl, in more ways that one, I could let her go.
I promised to ring Dawn again to let her know how the Landmark had affected
my life. How would it affect my life? I had no idea, but maybe my horoscope
knew better....?
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 25th October
2003: "Every day is a journey of discovery. You don't feel that way?
Maybe what you are discovering is the power of repetition. Don't reject your
lesson, no matter how it is being taught. Don't feel obliged either, though,
to stick with the current theme exclusively. If you want to do things
differently, you can. If you want to be free of a tedious old drama, that's
possible too. The most important discovery you can make involves recognising
that you have many more choices than you previously realised. Look at the
rules that you are now feeling so obliged to play by. Must you really adhere
to them all? Look out soon, for a handy loophole in an unfair law." (c)
cainer.com
On Sunday
(26th) I visited Martin and we had a chat about music and mass-murderers. On
the TV was a programme about horror films and one about great magic tricks.
Among these were many haunting pictures of things 'going wrong' - fires, near
death experiences, people being killed - real horror. My guts were on edge as
Martin then ploughed into a talk about Ed Gene and suit made from human skin.
I'm not a squeemish man, and I take Hollywood horror with a pinch of salt,
but these real life stories stired an unease inside my stomach and it didn't
go until after I reached home again. Childhood fears about burnings and fires
flashed around my mind, and I tried to face them rather than push it all back
down again. I was left with a pure feeling of fear. Not nervousness, or
apprehension, or unrational avertion, but pure Fear. In that state nothing
made me affraid because I was already way past that. I was facing the feeling
itself rather than seeing worry or neuroses. I don't know if it helped - I
didn't feel any better afterwards.
The next
week went in a blur, and work was more busy and yet boring than ever. I
looked forward to the Landmark, but thing didn't get any easier when Simon
called to say I'd have to travel Friday (31st) morning instead on the night
before. He'd booked a single room (through his work expenses) in the same
building as the Landmark was being lectured in. Success! But he wasn't keen
to flout the rules and have two sharing the same room and the same food.
'What if we get found out' was his main worry. He wasn't prepared to be
adventurous or to take chances which, at the very worst, would only lead to
us being kicked out of the room to find someplace else. He was being a prude
and maybe too over-cautious in life - as he usually was when faced with
'Rules'. I hoped he'd wake up a bit during the course. I hoped I would too.
I'd been happier when I knew what all this was building up to.
Sometime
just before the course I had a dream. I remember dreaming of a world full of
zombies - not a terrible flesh-eating horror fest, but just ordinary
brain-dead zombies. They were everywhere. I was walking around the area where
I used to go to school, and I was lead down a side-street to a clear tune
which went deep undergroud to a hidden labratory. But just before myself (and
a girl) walked into this tube, a policeman can around the corner (appearantly
not a zombie), and together we went on the journey together. At the time I
didn't put two-and-two together. After the course, this dream meaning became
all too obvious.
At last the
fateful day of days came up. Friday 31st October was a day to be recconed with.
I didn't sleep too well the night before and I went to bed late - determined
to complete a computer game before my weekend. I set off in plenty of time
and arrived on a rainy morning. Simon was up and ready to go, so we went into
the dining room and had a breakfast before the seminar began. The hotel we
were staying in was huge; like a mansion, with red and orange ivy growing up
the outside walls, woody gardens framed with flowers, and many steps leading
to the main entrance. Inside, the reception area lead to many huge rooms for
functions and gatherings, and many comfortable sitting rooms lay along the
main corridor which ultimately broke into the massive dinning area. The rooms
were spacious and comfortable, with either a bath or combined shower. Everything
was fresh and bright. We went to join the seminar crew who were gathering
ready for the day. I felt a warm feeling of security around these people, and
I knew that could soon make friends with any one of them. Everybody was then
assigned name badges and the doors to the room we'd spend the next three days
in were flung open to reveal a seating area with many white-boards at the
front and tables at the rear. I sat next to Simon near the front as the
lecturer (the Coach as he liked to be called) came in. Roger was a slim man
with greying hair and no shoulders. He was an energetic character who would
use tone and strength in his voice to carry discussions and make sure we were
clear all the time. He was lively, enthusiastic and fun to be around; and yet
he was also pushy, arrogent and hard-nosed at the same time. Really he was an
inspiration - a complete advert for all the potential benefits the course had
to offer - a real mentor in action.
The day was
a slog - 9am until nearly 12pm, and by dinnertime (6:30pm) I had to go for a
lie down and a snooze before the evening session as I was loosing track on
the conversation. The first day on the course was mainly listening while we
learned about life and the way the world really works. There was no
philosophy or morality - in fact quite the opposite - liberation! About half
of it made any sence at the time, and the other half began to sink in over
the next few weeks and months. At internals, people were given the
opportunity to stand up and talk about their life. Quite a few things were
coming up from my own life in the words of other people - including the
feelings of one girl who though she wasn't 'interesting' enough to attract
partners. I felt the same way, and I asked the girl after if she would like
to talk sometime. She agreed. I went to bed quite late and chatted to a
couple who ran a stall in the Ilkley Body, Mind and Spirit fayre I usually
went along to at this time. But at last I hit the sack and managed 6 hours
worth before the next day.
November
Saturday
the 1st was the second day of the landmark course and quite different from
the first. Far less taxing and strenuous on the old attention skills. I ment
a friendly chap at breakfast who I'd seem around before, and we got chatting
in no time. He was a standup-comidian amoungst other things, and was a
genuinely great guy to be around. The seminar was about to begin, and as part
of the course we were expected to arrive early or at least on-time. This went
against a psychology of many years, so I was quite surprised to make the
effort now. The course promised to make this a perminant fixture in my psyche
- no more lateness!! Things moved on a pace and part of the time was given
over to 'discussions' with temporary 'partners' as we talked about what we
were doing or hoped to achieve from the course. As part of the homework from
the day before, we had been asked to write a letter to someone who we had
been 'inauthentic' with. I'd written a letter for my work colleagues hoping
we would get on and that I'd talk with them more and feel happier at work. I
also got the chance to stand up and read the letter out. Here's hoping...
Another part of the course was geared towards clearing up any difficulties or
ill feelings from the past - especially through parents. I called my mum and
left a message saying I'd like to speak to her soon and that I'd come to see
her on Monday. The next day I phoned her again at said that I cared for her
and that I really wanted up to be alright with each other.
Later in the
evening I got to talk to the girl I'd seen the day before and we seemed to
get on well. She was attractive but a bit unconfident in her self sometimes.
I asked her if we could meet again for dinner, and we enjoyed a meal together
that evening. But something had stired in me. Something was putting me on a
high like nothing I'd ever felt before. It wasn't the girl. No, it was the
course! On of the sessions had opened my eyes to the sheer ridiculousness of
my life and I laughed out loud until I couldn't laugh any more. In fact I was
still laughing when I stood in front of everybody and said 'My life is a
fucking bag of SHIT!'. People I talked to after remembered this outbirst and
they said it filled them with encouragement and inspiration. That night I was
still laughing at the wierdness and total stupidity of 'LIFE'. Simon talked
about things and opened up a little as we went to bed. I really hoped for his
sake that he could realise just what it feels like to be alive - something I
may have been feeling myself.
The third
day of the long weekend was the final straw. The day began in the same way as
the last session had done, and we were encouraged to talk about the ways in
which we held ourselves back in life. At one point I was talking to the
oldest person in the course, a youthful 81 year old called Pru, and he was
very open and genuine to be around. Then the nitty gritty began; the reason
for the whole course; the massive shake-up in life as we knew it. The lecture
of our lives began and ended. Some of us were left in bewilderment, others in
a state of awareness, others still in a state of uplifement, and more in a
state or aliveness we had never felt before. The session made way for a
dinner break but my mind was rampant. I just couldn't take all this in. I
couldn't 'get it', and the more I tried the more I felt lost and confused. I
hardly said a word though dinner (the first time I'd eaten in a real Thai
restaurant), and was completely miserable in the next session. Maybe I hadn't
got what the others had obviously got from the course. I was on a high one
minute and a low the next. The weekend ended and I went out to the car and
drove home. Simon was concerned and asked if I didn't want to stay the night
and think it over. I'd done enough thinking already. At least I felt 'aware'
on the journey home, as if a lot of pointless conversations that usually
filled my head had all been sucked out by a vaccum cleaner. I saw road signed
on the road and began to realise a few things about 'rules' and 'how we hold
ourselves back'. By the time I came back into Accrington my heart was open to
possibility. I drove straight through a red traffic light quite on purpose,
and as I did so, a flurry of green fireworks exploded right in front of me in
the sky. I was alive, and the world was my oyster. Why did I hold myself
back? It was pointless, and soon I began to see ways I could make a
difference. A transformation. To face my fears and the fear of being
genuinely myself!!!
The next
day (3rd) I set off to tell my Mum all about it and to invite her to the
final session planned for the next night. As I drove through town and again
realised the wonder of being alive, a double rainbow opened out in the sky in
front of me. That was a sign of great things if ever there was one. Over the
next few days and weeks, slowly, the knowledge of the landmark began to
filter down and into my sub-concious. They became part of my life, and I
hardly noticed them except when I was faced with a challenge of integrity.
Thursday,
6th November 2003: 'You know those bottles of mineral water, with the
diagrams on the back? They show subsections of the Earth pointing out the
various levels of rock and clay, through which raindrops have passed.
Psychologists reckon that our minds are a bit like that too. Ideas bubble up
through different layers and levels of consciousness. Yours are exceptionally
deep. Which is why you sometimes find it hard to be shallow. A fountain of
inspiration is about to burst forth from within you. Tap it wisely.
The rest of
November was a bright and happy affair. Slowly, the landmark was having it's
mark impressed. I was alive to the day - but not as 'on top of the world' as
I'd been. The roller-coaster was evening off, and yet every day had it's fair
share of ups and downs to keep me on my toes. I looked at my fears and tried
to push myself just a bit every day until all that hindrance was challenged
and overcome. This took longer than I imagined - but slowly - over many
months, I tackled my insecurities. Every night I'd sit back and realise what
an amazing day I'd had, and often I'd wake up with a sense of enthusiasm for
the challenges of the day. Things flew at me from every angle. Sometimes I
deal with them with ease, sometimes not. The more I tried to reconstruct my
life around the Landmark I failed and became more frustrated - but the more I
let the Landmark impact on my life very subtly, I found things became easier.
The world of madness rolled around for another couple of weeks until I was
ready for a break - and break I did - to the Isle of Wight to see my Reiki
Master.
Horoscope for Week Beginning 23rd November 2003:
"Why not just give up and go to bed? Curl up in a ball and abdicate all
responsibility. Let someone else take charge. Keep out of the way whilst they
steamroller past you. That sounds like good advice, doesn't it? Well then, if
it doesn't, how come you are now contemplating a retreat? The eclipse is
causing you to recognise the existence of a difficulty. A plan has not
worked. A policy has failed. The reason for seeing this, is not so that you
can feel defeated, but so you can then proceed in a more constructive
direction. " (c) cainer.com
On Sunday
23rd of November I set off to the island. The weather was fair, and more so
when I reached my destination. Tracy greeted me with a warm hug and took me a
few miles back to her place. Sandown was a town by the sea, and I welcomed
the fresh sea air into my body. I slept deeply and dreamt constantly every
night. I relaxed and took my time every day, and at my own pace. Life was
good. I took pleasure in helping Tracy with a Reiki magazine article she was
writing, and took my turn to look after her 3 year old. I'd never looked
after a kid before, and it was kind of strange, but I took this opportunity
to play the fool and let my air of confidence and seriousness slip for a
while. While I was on the island, I was introduced to two psychics called
Lesley and Peter. We had dinner together one night and talked for hours about
life and the world. With such open people to talk to, I felt comfortable and
able to talk about things other people find hard to deal with i.e. deep
spirituality. Les phoned me back a few days later to say she'd found me a job
- as a Life coach on a 'reality TV' show for Channel 4. I said 'what the
hell!' and sent away the application. She also warned me that I'd have to do
a spot of banishing work (something I didn't really want to get into). Sure
enough, a phone message was waiting for me when I got back home, and I used
her advice to protect myself and help this lost soul. The Isle of Wight was
like a deep breath before a plunge. I was ready for action by the time I
left, which was good considering all the action I'd have to make over the
next few weeks until the New Year.
December
This was a
time of abundance. Every move I seemed to make lead me to more security and
more money. Little bits here and there all mounted up. My Mum brought me back
200 cigarettes from Spain - which saved £70. I bought several DVDs at work on
a 'double discount day’, which saved me more. Petrol, food, electricity, gas,
and projects I had on the go, all brought money to my door. I was actually
rich enough to be able to loosen my tight budget for the first time probably
this year. Abundance was also in other areas. Music was one, DVDs was another
- and then there was the endless abundance of possibility. My life was
changing subtly but steadily, and I was finding more vigour to take on life
again. I lost interest in a number of things - including keeping my journal
up-to-date - but found renewed interest in things long forgotten.
After
several weeks of trying, I finally reached a stage of completion with the guy
Les had warned me about on the Isle of Wight. He left a left message on my
telephone to say 'thanks for everything'. This path had led me back to spirituality,
and a good connection with a new spiritual friend. Les's promotion of the Life
coaching job also paid dividends. Soon in December, I received a call from a
guy at Endamol to ask whither I could attend a group interview on Thursday
18th. I'd made it to the short-list, and for the first time in seven year,
the prospect of a new job became a real possibility. I phoned around all my
friends with excitement to let them know what was happening, and hoped for
the best. By chance, my hours at work were rearranged so that I could attend
without phoning in sick, and everything looked rosy. As soon as I set off on
the 18th, it was clear that life wasn't going to happen just yet. I took the
wrong turning on the motorway, and after many delays I made it into the city
on time. Then I couldn't find the building I was supposed to be in. Still, I paid
it no mind and went in with high hopes. During the interview I was as nervous
as hell. I just couldn't seem to get my head around what I wanted to say, and
everybody else in the room was obviously more experienced than I was. No
matter which Landmark techniques I used to take on the challenge, I found
myself struggling to keep calm, and by the end the nerves had definitely won.
I raced home and ran a rampage the rest of the day to winde down from the
experience. I was laughing and joking with Dawn that night, and enjoyed
another new experience - reading a book to a small child. Yet again, my
confidence had taken a leap forward simply through facing and going through my
fears - just the way the Landmark said it would.
But the roller
coaster wasn't over yet, and there were a lot of downs as well as ups. My
next situation was a Down. Deep down I'd been carrying a candle for Dawn. No
matter how many times I just knew we weren't meant for each other, I just
kept on hoping. The last Lord of the Rings film was playing in the local
cinema (Dec 15th), and Dawn was up for watching it. I turned up (again on
time - twice in one month!!) and I was looking forward to a nice day out with
a mate. And a nice time we had. I was relaxed in her company and she seemed
happy enough in mine - although the sparks weren't flying. When we arrived
home in time to put her daughter to bed, we spent a lot of time talking about
the TV and the things we had in common. I'd seem quite clearly that we were
opposite in so many way - but this discussion put the cherry on it. We were
just too different. I came home sad and feeling that a chapter in my life had
come to an end. A mutually good end - but an end non the less. Actually
letting go for the last time was hard. I'd been though it before, but this
seemed like the final push. I felt kind of empty inside, like a hole had been
made where a soft spot had once been.
These
feelings were made a little easier (but more complicated) by another turn in
the plot. A few days before I'd arranged to see Dawn, I'd been drawn to a
girl at work, and had asked her out. Rachel was a very attractive 17-year-old
girl I'd seen around and about. I'd smiled a few times in her direction, and
she seemed to be open to my advances. We chatted, but I was still a little
unconfident talking to new girls. This part of my life was one of the biggest
(and last) areas I was uncomfortable with, and I enjoyed the challenge of
tackling it. But the situation wasn't contrived; my love for Rachel was
genuine. And so I asked if she had a boyfriend; she said she had, but would
give me first refusal 'when she got rid of him'. I gave her a home-made
Christmas card with her Cancerian birthstones inside, and she made me a card
in return - lightly scented with perfume - which kept it's smell and reminded
me of her whenever I walked into the room. A week later and I was chatting to
her again. She worked in a pub/club on one of the back-streets of Accrington,
and could be found in front of the bar when she wasn’t working behind it. So
I thought it would be a good excuse to go out for a change and see her. The
night went quite well, and although Rachel was a little timid and didn't like
to give too much away; I enjoyed going out and having a drink with a
girl-friend - something I'd've been scared to do at one time in my life. I
also told her that I'd just split with Dawn (which I felt was the truth) and
a few days later she came back to me and said she'd just had a massive
argument with her boyfriend. This was by now the weekend before the New Year.
Rachel looked great, and I wondered whither this was the start of something
new. We chatted and fooled around for what seemed the whole afternoon at
work, and I got to unleash my full completely mad potential on her. I hadn't
laughed and smiled so much in ages. In fact, I reminded myself that I hadn't
had a real girlfriend since Liz 6 years before. Rachel was the same age as
Liz was; she looked at little like her, and was even going to the same school
- it was all a little creepy sometimes, and I had to wrestle with my feelings
coming out of the past. It was as if I'd put myself in a position to settle
that old score, to go back in time and take up my love life where I left it
all those years ago - and come out healed in the other side. It was about
time this old hurt was addressed. And what a lovely girl to do it.
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 27th December:
"Take a deep breath and move gently into the changes, both expected and
unexpected, that are rushing into your life. In truth, though, it's not your
life that's changing. You are changing, and the energy of progress has been
building for a long time. Certain events of the past year have given you a
taste of what's developing, but you're about to embark on quite an adventure.
Your astrology suggests that none of this is an accident, that you're finally
being freed of silent expectations and old beliefs that have outgrown their
benefit, if they had any to begin with." (C) Cainer.com
My
horoscope was right, down to the letter. Four days later was New Years Eve.
Unbeknown to me, I had several invites to end-of-year parties waiting as text
messages on my mobile, but I didn't check it. All that day I'd been turning
Rachel over in my mind. I decided to do a tarot spread on the situation. The
news wasn't pleasant. There would be a shake-up, a period of change - and
would lead to a better strength of my character as a result. The 'death' card
showed that this girl would be a catalyst for this upheaval. What a let down.
I decided just to wait and see, and hopefully things would all work out for
the best. I went along to the Club, and there she was waiting. We hugged and
talked and made fun of the world, but she wasn't the same - or maybe it was
me. I found out that her boyfriend and her family were getting together that
night for a booze-up and that he was hoping to make amends. My heart was sad,
but not as sad as it would have been if I hadn't've been forewarned that this
may happen beforehand.
Ups-and-downs,
ups-and-downs - what a life I was living. I'd tackled my aversion to job
interviews, girls, going out, and let-downs, all in one month!, and to top it
all, I'd broken new ground in my relationship with Martin as I'd finally had
a taste of letting-my-hair down with him. It wouldn't be too long (I hoped) before
I could just 'be myself' in front of everybody. What a promising start to a
new year. I celebrated the coming season with a drink and a smoke, and didn't
get out of bed until way past five the next afternoon..........
