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Invisible Destiny
A Life Story - By Daniel Waddington
Part 3 - A Test of Spirituality (2002)
Contents
Introduction
Rather than type in
descriptions for each day, instead I thought it would be much better just to
enter a summary of each months events. The horoscopes provided at the
beginning of each section were taken from the internet at least twenty days
into each month; just to make sure these predictions weren't swaying my
judgements or experiences. In this way, I was also able to look back on each
prediction to see if they indeed turned out to be correct and to what degree.
A lot of the time, as you will see, they do provide and interesting
background to this very interesting year.
Cast of Characters:
The following people were
the major players in this years events.
Me - The Hero?
Mum (Mother)- A woman with issues...
Simon - My best friend, known from school
Elwin - A friend, introduced through Dave
Dave - A friend, met through couselling 1 course
Micheal - A friend - Elwins father
Beverly - Co-owner of a curiosity/spiritual shop near me
Tracy - My Reiki master
Trisha - A fellow Reiki classmate and introducer to Spiritualist Church
Stacy - A friend and housemate
Liz - Girlfriend 1997
Alex - Girl-friend met through church Sept. 2001
Arwen - Girlfriend, met at Glastonbury 2002
Francis - Co-runner of the spiritualist church awareness classes
Keith - Co-runner of the spiritualist church awareness classes
Mark - A friend, known through church
Christine - A friend, met at Spiritualist college
Eddie - A friend/teacher of magic - met through counselling 1
Lucy - A friend - Eddies wife.
Dawn - A friend, met through counselling 2 course
Jayanne - A friend, met through counselling 2 course
1988 - Spanish holiday with Roy
1989 - My Grandmother (mothers mum - Joan) dies
1990 - Tenerife and Keswick with Frank
1990 - First signs of Depression
1992 - Finish Secondary School and start Youth Training
1992 - My Grandad (mothers dad - Ian) dies
1992 - First Amiga Computer
1994 - Stopped talking to my mother, Depression grows
1994 - Start college BTEC course
1995 - Greece holiday
1995 - Hospital operation remove my wisdom teeth
1995 - First car - red Ford Escort
1995 - Started Asda in Customer Restaurant
1996 - Toured Britain for a month in the car
1996 - Complete BTEC / Start Degree
1997 - (Feb) 21st Birthday
1997 - Depression now really noticable, start Prozac
1997 - First relationship - Liz
1997 - Begin treatment for impotency
1997 - Relationship with Liz ends in tears after three weeks
1998 - (Feb) Move out of family home, change car & job (Asda BWS)
1998 - See a counsellor for 12 weeks
1998 - (May) Quit Degree course at college
1998 - (June) Introduced to Cannabis
1999 - Depth of Depression, suicidal thoughts
2000 - Read 'Mind to Mind' by Betty Shine - started my search for
Spirituality
2000 - Met Debbie at a Mind, Body, Spirit fair at Skipton
2000 - (Jun) Took Debbie to Glastonbury festival / Intro to Buddhism,
Meditation and Yoga
2000 - First signs of Depression slowly breaking
2000 - (Sept) Started to attend Blackburn Buddhist Center
2001 - Depression in Limbo state - waiting to be set free
2001 - (Feb) Attunement to Reiki Level 1 / Meet Tracey / Car Crash
2001 - (May) Attunement to Reiki Level 2
2001 - (July) Decline Office job / Give up on Computing Career
2001 - (Aug) Started to attend Blackburn Spiritualist Church
2001 - (Aug) Alex - the Mystery girl-friend.
2001 - (Sept) Gave up Buddhism
2001 - (Sept) Began counselling level 1 course / Meet Dave
2002...
Event Line
The major events of 2002 are listed below.
- Feb First
lesson in magic
- March
First Camping Holiday - The Lake District Retreat
- June Stacy
moves in!
- June My
Second Glastonbury Festival / Meet Arwen
- July First
visit to Arwens house
- Aug Attend
the Stanstead Spiritualist College for a week
- Sept Began
Counselling level 2 course / Meet Dawn
- Oct My
Nan dies - last relative on my mothers side
- Nov Second
Holiday to the Lake District
- Dec Second
Initiation to magic (almost)
## January
Key issue: Spirituality
Vs Materialism
January began with an erruption of
motivation and self confidence to try new and exciting things. I realised
that my usually boring days were now full of busyness - I was now hardly ever
at home, and very rarely had time to watch any TV anymore. January was a time
of plenty and opportunity for me as for the first time since last February I
had money in the bank! All the things which I thought I'd got bored of -
music, playing musical instruments, meditation, the arts, philosophy, tarot
cards, computer games, books, people, even breathing (I discovered a new way
of breathing called the pranayana), all seemed to come alive again and I just
loved to splash money all over them. The constant attention to girls which I
enjoyed last month subsided for a while and I realised I needed to become
more aware of myself - to relax and have more fun.
A number of opportunities also arose around
my new found enthusisms. To give one instance. I picked up 'Q' magazine on
day just to get the free CD on the cover. I hadn't bought Q for two years, so
why was I drawn to it now? After playing the CD I found that it wasn't that
good after all, but, right at the back of the magazine, was a small section
on upcoming gigs. How long had it been since I went to a gig? - it was way
back in 2000 when I attended Glastonbury. One band, The Beta Band, stood out
above the others and I realised I really wanted to see them live again. The
gig date was the 19th, but since I needed to give work three weeks notice for
any holidays I thought the chance had been lost. Never-the-less,
circumstances proved several days later that I could have that day off
and within a week I'd managed settle everything and book tickets. An
impossible dream turned out to become a reality. (Later on in the month, a
major insight showed me that I was casting my own magic - I was wishing for
what I wanted and the momentum of these thoughts were stimulating the events
to unfould. Mind creates matter!) The gig in question was just what I needed
to get my confidence back. Confidence it seemed was the key word for this
month, and at every turn I found I was in the middle of some situation
revolving around this elusive creature. At one point, I was even shown a path
as an actor and a course at college would surely bring on my confidence in
leaps. I thought about this for a long time - and I now knew that if I wished
hard enought, I would be on that drama course!
By the 13th I had made four new friends who
all thought about the philosophy of life like I did. They showed me that I my
theories were making sence after all, and with their help I was gaining huge
experience and insight. They also put me in touch with the benefits of proper
breathing, and thanks to the wonders of the pranayama I was soon being
refreshed in all sorts of ways. They used drugs to help them find 'reality',
wheras I was able to unlock some of the doors on my own without drugs. After
a major insight on the 14th, revolving on the 'life is a dream' premise, my
view of the world changed beyond recognition for a while. I saw Lord of the
Rings twice, and by the second time I saw that magic can and does exist just
like the fictional story shows. The world is indeed a dream. We are all
characters in one big 'game world' just like the adventure games I used to
play on the computer; but instead of role playing a character on a screen, my
character was inside me, and my eyes were acturally two viewing screens I
used to see rest of the game world. I saw that as we make wishes, we are
asking 'the game' to help us and make things appear. To create matter from
all the mind/vitall energy which is all around us and in all things. Slowly
but surely, it works! My mind was boggling with the possibilities. If
everything is made of the same substance, we are free to mound it in to things,
just by wishing and focusing on creation.... At this stage I was looking into
the possibility of using magic and spell casting to add that little bit more
drive to making my dreams come true - especially in the girls department -
and an article in a magazine (which I just happened to read) and the internet
pushed me well on the way to understanding how this phenominon actually
works. With the full moon coming up fast on the 28th and 29th I decided to
get my arse in gear and try a love spell of my own. Heaven knows what
the results will be!
The 28th also saw the end to my counselling
course and a sad fare-ye-well to all those descent people I had come to know
over the weeks. Through the course I'd met David of course, and though him
Elwin, Ian, and Elwins father Michael - who I could gladly talk to for hours
about life, the world and everything! As a special gift for my fellow
students, I decided I would tell them a story I heard from Michael Reccia
last year about a man who realises the true meaning and importance of life.
After that I hoped a few would get the motivation together to make themselves
into something bigger and push themselves that bit further. It was a nerve
racking experience to tell a story like that, but since I'd been rehersing it
for weeks beforehand I knew it was something I really wanted to do - for the
sake of my confidence as well for theirs.
Horoscopes: The
chief trouble with fog is not the fact that it hides things from view. That's
a nuisance - most of the time and sometimes, it is an advantage. The problem
comes when, because we cannot actually see something, we imagine something.
We envisage a potential threat where none exists or we decide that it is
probably safe to proceed when it is really decidedly unwise. There's fog around
you now, as you enter 2002. Go slowly and carefully and, if in doubt, assume
there's a good reason to have that doubt. With each new day in January, you
will be learning something, discovering something, exploring new
possibilities. All good education processes however, involve the occasional
steep learning curve. There are days when we find it really difficult to
absorb information - or when we feel as if we no longer really like the topic
that we are dedicating ourselves to. Don't let a passing sense of frustration
deter you from a very sound plan that you have already made plenty of good
progress with. The fog WILL lift. And by the end of January you will be
feeling very clear, very inspired, confident and secure once more. (©)
Cainer.com
Drive forward with personal ambitions and
live dangerously with incentive packed Mars in your sign until the 18th. The
new year fever begins on January 1st but don't stop making resolutions or
using your verve and nerve towards gaining a foothold on success the next day.
You are just at the start of a brand new personal cycle so take the
initiative and desist in quibbling or putting things off. Think things
through as only impulsive or rash behaviour is as bad as doing nothing.
Strike whilst the iron is hot, and it is scorching until mid-month. The 1st
to the 3rd are laden with joy and glad tidings as Jupiter boosts your chances
of happiness in love and creativity. An ordinary enterprise or venture can be
turned into something more prestigious or prosperous. Expect news of a baby,
pregnancy or love affair which is more than just a flirtation or you discover
that something simple and obvious is all it takes to make you happy. These
are some of the marvellous realisations that accompany your stars. Finally
between the 23rd and 30th something comes to light or occurs to induce a
radiant spiritual awakening where you can come to terms with worries, doubts
and fear of the unknown once and for all. You can handle it now. (©)2001,
Russellgrant.com
Happy New Year to the 'visionary' of the
zodiac. Your well known pursuit of greater inner strength will be assisted
this year in an extremely productive way. Your path of higher consciousness,
as you step into the new year, must begin with self-acceptance. You have a
tendency to be your own worst enemy... despising many of your shortcomings.
This intolerance of self is the very thing that stands between you and
progress. Why will you so generously grant compassion to others but not to
yourself? You are not your weaknesses, so do not define yourself in such
terms. We all possess within us a tremendous capacity to make personal
changes and this will be your adventure for 2002 - constructive changes that
will alter your destiny. (©) astrologyguide.com
Key issue: Time for
Introspection
The magic month of February was the most
adventurous and action packed month ever! Magic was the topic under study
this month as I took another small step along the ladder of connectedness
with the power of Nature/The Universe. I'd been drawn to it very obviously,
although I was still unable to see why... But it seemed the gods were weaving
their spells as cleverly as ever as an old aquaintance from college (Eddie)
stepped back into my world to show me the rudaments of Wicca - modern day
white-witchcraft.
The results of the love spell I cast last
month took about a week to come into fruition, and as much as an unpleasant
surprise as a pleasant one. To begin worth, the results of the spell seemed
to be wrapped in a shroud of negativity - all sorts of things started to go
wrong at work; people back-stabbing and spreading oboated rumours about me
all over the place to trash my delicate good name. The boss had several
'words' in my ear and my ego started to plunge downhill. Several other
accidental coincidences the week before came back to haunt me and I realised
many moments of fate had all built up all of a sudden, just like they did
last year, to hit me with a whack of emotional deflation.
On the second day things couldn't be more
different. The commotion over my work ability had temporaily broken and as
the eye of the storm passed over my head I realised that nearly every girl I
was passing in the store was making eyes and smiles at me. Some I chatted to
and gave them the 'come on', knowing that if they came back soon and saw me
again I'd probably ask them out. A girl I'd met only briefly at college
dropped by the music desk and we had a good chat about work, life and love
long enough for me to drop in a few lines of my own to test her interest.
"Come and see me the next time you're
in store, I'm always around the desk", I said as she departed, and
looking back over my shoulder I saw she got the message. The biggest interest
of all came from Trish as we chatted after the Monday night circle. I mouth
inadvertantly blurted out that "I was ready for a woman" (refering
to my past lives - who had always been male) and Trish jumped into my path
and tried her best to invite me with her to see Lord of the Rings again. As
usual I left too much unsaid and I could tell she was at a loss as to where
our friendship was headed. I wanted to clear the air between us but my chance
had passed for another week. I realised the song that had been playing in my
head all day was Someday (you'll forget me) by The Corrs - and it's
significance was all too plain. I'd lost my love for Trish. Just as the
lyrics to the song said, our relationship was made from fairy tales and
daydreams - and now I knew I just didn't feel it anymore. There was no way
she would ever settle for anything less than a father and a husband, and no
matter how much I tried to think of how I could let her down gently, or get
around the situation to my advantage, I just couldn't.
After this brief restbite, the agonys at
work were on me again. I evenually got to know how the rumours about me
started and spread, and by talking to the right people I soon came
face-to-face with the cheif dirt spreader. Louise loved to be nosy and talk
gossip. She also loved to tell the boss anything which would make her seem
'better' while simultaniusly placing the rest of us in the shit. The best way
to deal with these people was to turn the tables and expose the very fact
that they were spreading lies. That way the same rumour monger would take a
knock-back of discreditability - the worst medicine of all. It wasn't long
before she found me and tried every trick to make herself look blameless and,
actually she was my friend. I was past caring now; having cleared my name and
having realised why the spirits had set up this whole mess; I forgave her
knowing that the character she is would soon find another helpless victim.
That second week ended much like it had begin, except now I had gone though a
huge emotional release caused by that weeks whole fiasco - somewhing my
guides has wanted all along and forcing me to slow down and become less
egotisical with life. They were also showing me that spells do work -
although playing with fire does have it's obvious down-sides of you don't
know what you're doing. As soon as I realised that this concentrated bad luck
my fault after all (for playing with magic), and that this karma was now
teaching me a lesson in emotions, the whole mess cleared itself up.
"Another reason for that
situation," the spirits informed me "was because the girl(s) you
were wishing to meet would regularly cause much emotional upset due to the ups-and-downs
of building a relationship. You are a sensitive soul, and so we are trying to
soften the blow of these negative responses so you can deal with them without
going into Depression again."
Things were indeed becoming a little
clearer for me at last. I was slowing getting to know how the 'force' of the
spirit world works and how to make full use of their help here on Earth. For
instance, I hadn't been dreaming anything worth noting since well before
Christmas. Why was I not getting messages like I used to? The nights were
sometimes so interesting that it was more fun being awake than asleep. Now it
felt like I was only making use of half of my time, as my sleeping time was
basically not helping me at all. That all changed when I was again drawn into
the bookshop in town and picked up a book on dreams. As soon as I placed this
book next to my bed with the intension of learning from my dreams
again, the most vivid and interesting dreams suddenly flooded into my life.
It seems the as soon as the spirits see a doorway open for them to teach you
something - they will teach you! They will use whatever you can offer them.
It doesn't matter wheither it's the TV, radio, books, newspapers, magazines,
music, films, people you speak to, situations you find yourself in, dreams,
meditations, prayers, psychic awareness... it all adds up if you open your
eyes and ears to it. All this connectivity was beginning to dawn on me yet
again as I entered the spiritualists church on the 10th. Just by listening to
the medium give off messages I found I could connect, through her, into the
real words flowing from the heavens. There were quite a few messages for me,
and although she didn't speak directly to me I knew quite strongly what was
ment for who. I was shown what was happening, what was going to happen, and
how best to deal with it - to slow down and take it all in slowly and easily.
Again there came a prod in the back to get myself a little notebook to write
all those midnight insights down onto paper. A (symbolic) protective shield
was also being placed around me as I entered into a new phase of my
awareness, the emergance of women into my life. As this was the new uncharted
territory, the new final frontier, I was entirely grateful for all the help I
was being given before I was thown into the deep end of the emotional sea.
And this would happen; I was driving around in fast sports cars in my dreams
at night so I knew this was going to happen!
By the middle of February I was in the
midst of one of my 'changing' periods. Every few months or maybe three times
a year I found that my attitude and character would change because of the new
iteas, philosophies and skills I was adopting at the time. My general persona
had changed greatly due to spirituality; and now things were beginning to
mellow out and calm down in that department as the newness began to wear off
- leaving me in a comfortably reassured mood. Thoughts of Buddhism had waned,
leaving me with a much clearer picture of my new religion; that of the
Universe and of Nature. Magic was also affecting things around the place. For
one thing, ever since I began reading through the book on Wicca I borrowed
from Eddy I had begun to notice things 'happening'. Things were falling into
place, and signs (such as the settings in a computer driving game had
mysteriously changed, allowing me to win races) were showing me all the time
that I was on the right track. But I didn't want to rush things, and quite
happily waited until the next until the next first full moon before I thought
about performing my first Wiccan based ritual. I also needed a black candle
for a protection spell; but again I happened to be drawn into a shop that
sold just what I wanted! To make matters even better, I had also managed to
gain a great spirit(ual) teacher and learned an amazing amount from him using
through conversation and automatic writing. How lucky was I!! This time last
year I was only just beginning to realise how the universe worked and used
magic, and now I was slowly being shown how and why.
After the dark moon of the 12th and 13th,
my view of the world started to change drastically. Spirit, in all their
wisdom, were showing me all kinds of things and sending me messages which I
would soon find out were all linked to the same theme. I was still busy
writing my own Book of Shadows based on a book lent to me by Eddie and his
wife Lucy - who were both heavily involved in magic to say the least. On the
advise of Eddie I began my first Wiccan based spell on the 20th - a
protection spell, on a Wednesday - even though the most ideal day for this
was actually Saturday. I realised this date was given to me because the spell
would take me seven days to complete, meaning it would all end exactly on the
fuul moon of the 27th (my Birthday). I wish I could remember everything that
happened during these last weeks of February 2002. Insights started to flow
and I happen across lots of good philosophies. The only fly in this ointment
was Elwin. He was heavily into a very varied kind of magical phylosophy which
devoured and chewed up everything and every therory in existence - leaving in
it's wake a broad band of options designed to make the mind boggle under the
weight. He did however have some interesting things to say about magic, and
his knowledge created another stepping stone across an ever rising river.
By undertaking in the Wiccan based rituals
every night for a week, I was at last becoming my own boss. The was I raised
the energy needed for this spell was a mysterious kind of stretching exercise
I'd first picked up while bodybuilding all those years earlier, and looked
half way between Thi-chi and something a lot more peculier and energetic.
These exercises also created a kind of automatic pranayamic breathing, and
for the first time I saw that this was actually very important to my growth.
As the full moon approached I found my confidence was coming back stronger
than ever - and the philosophies I learned seemed to by pushing me out of my
fear zone. Still the prospect of an Acting course was going around in my head
and I just couldn't seem to ignore it. What was all this leading to? Then a
mistake happened which, looking back, was the best thing that could have ever
happened to me. Half way though my the process of my protection spell I let
my mind wander, and inadvertantly asked the gods to give me what I really
wanted.
"Show me sight beyond sight, hearing
beyond hearing, sensing beyond sensing", I said, and went on to describe
where I really wanted to be. Saturn, the god I was working with (but this
could have been any deity - including the Creator itself) got angry and asked
me to light a candle to praise him every Saturday for 12 weeks - If I did
this I would be granted my wish - failure to keep up this respect would
result in the opposite (the gods are seriously powerful). As I heard this
message crystal clearly I had no choice but to recognise what this ment, and
hardly had to deal with the fact that this behaviour would seem complete
insanity to the majority of onlookers. My life and my world were changing! As
the full moon came I was in such a clear contact with the spirit conciousness
around me that I was holding long conversations until 4 in the morning.
My birthday on the 27th, which just
happened with the full moon and the end of my magic, was a glorious affair.
Not just because I got a knew knitted pull-over from my mum, which contained
all seven chakra colours and looked like a Rasta jumper. Not just because I
had two meals made for me or because I enjoyed a leasurly night in with Karl
and Tracy. Not even the book of antient magic Tracy bought me as a present
was the icing on the cake. The occastion really started with a single sheet
of paper passed to me by Tracy. On this paper was a ready made recipe for
inner peace - and since I'd been shown how to use this recipe over the weeks
before hand, it seemed like all my efforts I had made in this direction had
culminated with this paper on my Birthday. I could write a book about how to
attain inner peace, and as the days unfoulded after, and I looked deeper and
deeper into the words I found that a whole world had opened for me - like
looking into a bottomless lake. I could enjoy anything I could imagine.
Inspiration flowed, and as I entered the first day of March; a beautiful warm
and sunny day, and the first time I'd been able to get outside and really
soak it up since last September; I felt warm and cosy in the loving arms of
the Earth, the Sun, and the Spirits. My mind was conflicting, reluctant to let
this boundless emotion fill my heart. Inner Peace was growing....
Horoscopes: It
is good news time. This though, doesn't mean your every waking moment will be
easy or light in the coming month. Good news often spurs us into action or
makes us aware of our responsibilities. Your good news will carry with it the
need to re-evaluate an existing commitment. Is it still necessary, now you
know what you know? If it isn't, how can you extricate yourself from a
situation without creating trouble? [With Trish]. You've got a spot of swift
sidestepping to do. For a while, you may need to honour a promise that you
wish you had never made. This though, won't stop you from enjoying life a lot
- especially if you remember that just like a good jazz musician, you were born
to improvise. Provided you are sure enough of your main structure, you can
depart from (and return to) it at will. You are likely though, to end up lost
or in trouble though, if you improvise on a theme you are not so familiar
with. [Spellcasting]. You have, for some while, been keen to play with an
interesting idea or to experiment with a hopeful plan. Circumstances so far
though, have not made this feasible. For this, you can be glad. Only now are
the basic factors finally in place. Venus says that now, it is finally safe
to weave a little spontaneous magic.(©) Cainer.com
Financial
extravagance makes for a spendthrift start to the month. If you are sensible
you will focus your cash and ambitions on buying one particular item or
object that you want, need and will be an asset to you, your business or
status. This is not a time to indulge in luxuries - apart from around the
16th when you may buy a gift to celebrate someone's good fortune - but please
note, not for you! You come much more into your own from the 18th. This is
when you can focus money more wholly on yourself even though creating a new
image costs money, inspiration and imagination come free. If you have your
new identity in place for around the 24th you can be sure your extrovert
personality will be a wonderful frame for it. Your winning popularity, good
fortune and magnetism gives you a certain something that proves very
attractive indeed. The Full Moon also augurs a make or break period in a
partnership either because you have changed or your other half has - do you
still piece together or is it time to find a newer sexier love jigsaw to fit
into? (©)2002, Russellgrant.com
Key issue: Creativity
Versus Realism
Horoscopes for
March: Is everything starting to fall into place? If this doesn't seem to be
happening yet, it soon will. You are about to hear some news you can use. You
have material you can work with, an opportunity you can identify with, a
challenge you can easily get to grips with. The sky is giving you strength
and tenacity and offering hope and inspiration. [Philosophy] You can't expect
all your problems to resolve themselves at a stroke this month but you can
(and should) look forward to a real experience of positive progress. Allow
yourself to take comfort from the genuine, heartfelt support of a very
special friend. [Elwin]. Perhaps through pride or perhaps through anxiety,
you are trying to cope single-handed with a challenge which really requires a
spot of nifty teamwork. Will it take more effort than it is worth to explain,
to someone else, what you need - and what's involved? Absolutely not. Share
your burden and you will find, to your surprise, that it is not a burden to
someone else. That, in turn, will make it seem like much less of a burden to
you. And then everything WILL fall right into place!(©) Cainer.com
On March 14th
the New Moon is in Pisces, giving you the chance to make the fresh start you
have been praying for or dreading. If you've been desperate to get away and
be released from the negativity you have endured then Fate smiles sweetly on
you. For those of you dreading new beginnings because you think it means
losing what good you've got then take heart. It's not necessarily a loss, for
whatever's going through a rocky patch [Philosophy], if it is fundamentally
secure it will be strengthened by recent trials and errors - if not THEN it
will buckle under or fall apart. However, if any area of your life is bad for
you, even destructive then the atomic Sun/Pluto link on the 8th will have its
say and day; There is no point in hanging on in blind hope: all things
naturally run their course and come to an end, and there is nothing you can
do about it. That is why current events are a test of your character and
moral fibre but it is best to cut your losses with one short, sharp snap than
cling on to a situation which could ultimately take you down with them or it.
Once you realise that you can't fight fate and use the new Moon to fashion a
happier and more optimistic destiny you'll be a winner. How many times have
you said 'there's got to be something better than this?' And there is, once
you have the courage to accept rather than deny your rights. [To be who you
are]. In the end, only you can cut off your nose to spite your face. (©)2002,
Russellgrant.com
Relationships should be your focus this
month. You have not been able to communicate your feelings to a loved one and
as a result you have come across as aloof and uninterested. This is partly
due to your own confused feelings and ongoing battles with yourself about
whether or not you should express your needs. Yes you should! This falls
right into the 'priorities' category. Your emotional needs must be looked at
as an important priority right along with your other priorities such as
health, family and work. Let the significant person in your life know what
your un-met emotional needs are and ask what his/hers are, as well. This
should open up communication considerably. (©), astrologyguide.com
Priorities. Where was I doing to go from
here. I was climbing very antient steps - a well worn pilgrimage route - and
I was being shown how everything I had discovered was fitting together like a
jigsaw. The indians were right! The elements are the key to the body's and
the minds well being. Nature is the guiding force and love is the guiding
light - all I had to do was to really start coming into my own. The
hindrancies to inner peace, I realised, were conflicts caused by fear. I had
to get out of my 'confort zone' and release my fear. The parachute jump this
summer would set me up for the biggest challenge, and after loosing those
kinds of fears I would be a different person - liberation dawned. In the
meantime I had to get myself used to things I once feared. The rainbow
'rasta' jumper was becoming a major attraction, and the more people stopped
and staired at it the happier and more relaxed I became. For so long I'd been
worried about what other people thought, and now I enjoyed the excentricity.
It's a bit like learning to act in front of a camera - the more you push
yourself past your fear of the camera the more relaxed you are around it
(them). Relaxed enough to be the real me! Maybe this drama class at college
was just the thing I needed? And yet as soon as an opportunity arose to take
advantage of this new direction, (obviously a test set up to try my
worthyness), I failed pathetically. I spend all day on the computer on the
3rd, trying to fill a page of my web site with all sorts of interesting song
lyrics. I even managed to write a new song of my own! And then I called Dave
o chat about music, and of course he wanted me to sing my new song down the
phone. In theory this would have been the perfect chance to get over another
fear - but in reality I just couldn't do it! I was kicking myself, but one
step at a time.
My week off work washed away like sand in a
high tide, but I was really beginning to relax and unwind. But all too soon I
was back at Asda to enjoy the endless pleasures of the Music and Video desk,
and back to the drag of having to work. I noticed that I was still concerned
about how I appeared to other people - even though I'd been completely
liberated of it during my time off. I'd be very much happier when these petty
egotysical fears and hindrances were flushed well down the toilet and out to
sea. Maybe I could do a spell to help this process... and the waning moon
cycle up until the 13th would be a very good time to do it, but as usual I
asked and received... "Wait until after your initiation". This was
to take place on the Ostara ritul day (21st March). Speaking of which, the
second magic book lent by Eddie and Lucy came in very handy and I managed to
write a second Book of Shadows with it. Crystals, oils, insence, deities,
rutuals, days-of-the-week, moon phases - you name it, I wrote all about it in
an effort to create my unique formula for miracles.
Mothers day on the 10th made a mockery of
my good will when I realiesed I still hadn't bought mum any gifts except a
mothersday card. I wasn't trying to impress mum or be her 'son'; which was
fine by me until I realised that this shouldn't really be the case. I even
noticed that I loved Alex more than I loved my own mother. Still, I kicked my
own arse into gear and headed off to an outdoor market I knew would be open
on a Sunday. At last I arrived at mums holding a card and flowers and a bunch
of other gifts that I really could have bought a whole lot sooner.
Another book came towards me in the middle
of March; a channelled book from White Feather of the White Brotherhood
order. Philosophy was again on the agenda and again I weened myself off the
range of drugs I'd been well aquainted with over the holidays to concentrate
on the issues of life and the universe. Things didn't start off too well; and
Elwins approach of 'Nothing is real except in the mind' ended in me almost
admitting myself into the nearest psyciatry unit. I had almost no 'proof'
that I was actually talking to spirits - for all I knew I could be talking
(and sometimes disagreeing) with myself, but eventually I put all that
paranoia on the back light and ploughed on with the questions in the hope of
getting beyond it somehow. At last, on the 14th, I was in a very special mood
which allowed everything to flow without fears or setbacks. I asked for the
name of the entity I was talking to and the reply came.. "Yarod".
I'd heard this name last year but I thought it was my own spirit name, but
the waves of subtile emotion which came with this link seemed to respond to
the name, so Yarod it was. I actually got a long way with my questions that
night - which made me all the sorrier for not having gotten around to getting
a notebook to write it all down into. I also realsied around this time; as I
underwent a phase of self awareness training; that my relationships with
other people were sometimes lacking the appreciation I really wanted to give.
I was being too hard on some people simply by being quiet around them or
'straight' with them instead of lighening the mood. One of the philosophies
I'd picked up from my new book was "Seek to be that which you are
seeking"; so if I wanted happiness I really needed to become a relaxed
and happy person to 'reap more of what I sowed'. It made sence; putting it
into practice was hard work on top of everything else I was trying to
acheive, but eventually progress was being made - not least between me and my
mother.
A strange, but pleasant effect of this week
was another sudden emthusiasm for the female form. Girls were gorgious again,
as they really always were, and seeming the faces and the curves up close
brought a light to my days. If a human could be 'in heat' as an animal could
be, then I was surely right in the middle of it. Things took a turn on the
15th when my ego decided to create a fantasy world for me. Appearantly, if we
really do create our world out of our minds, when changing our minds will
change our world. And so my ego busily got to work imagining that all the
girls thought I was gorgeous and all the boys thought I was intelligent - and
what a day I had! Coming down off this ego trip on the 16th showed that
constantly grasping for these kinds of things effectively short circuits there
effect, and that knowing and feeling is a lot better than looking for it all
the time. Which brought me back to my self. The self, I get told on the 17th,
is where happiness really lies. All the masks we put on to protect ourselves
and to impress people are the tools we use to try to grasp happiness - just
like I did with the ego the day before. The real self doesn't need to use
these tools. If I was to be confortable just being myself for a change, happy
to live inside my own skin for a change, than another path towards happiness
would be found. As an offshoot to this; simply by being yourself means you
are no longer grasping to be anything else - and so you can appreciate the
things and the time you have.
In the midst of all this philosphy I was
going though a soul crisis. Looking over The Abyss as Elwin put it. There
came a time when I no longer wanted to hear voices inside my head; possible
from the spirits of long since dead people. Did life really have a great
plan, and was everything tied together in a great spiritual web of
interconnected meaning? Was all this really going on or was I going mad.
'Normal people' don't go around with voices or music playing inside their
heads do they? Philosophy on spiritual matters wasn't leading anywhere as I
couldn't prove of disprove anything I came up with. What did it all matter? I
just wanted to be me for a change, without all this theory getting in the
way. To make matters worse, my initiation into magic was coming up that week
and, even though I could see magic for what it realy was, this was still
another nail in my eccentric coffin; placing me further on the fringes of
society every day. I tried to block it all out but couldn't. Everythere I
went I was inspired into though - I just could't stop! I was addicted! Where
was I going. Did I really want Ultimate Reality? I'd had a taste of it and it
was scary. Does peace lie in theory...? Trying for inner peace wasn't
having any effect because I was grasping for it. Why not just stop? I wished
I could... Stopping an addiction would just mean I'd come back to it again
with a even greater craving - or was that the whole point??. Arrrggghhh!
The 21st brought with it the Ostara ritual.
I hadn't really been thinking about it, and, as the day came around the
corner, I was in half a mind not to bother. This was a big simbolic step and
I still wasn't sure what the magical way of life involved beyond the obvious
appreciation of deities and such. Finally, at around 1:30 in the morning, I
got out of the chair and made up a suitable Ostara altar. Then I began the
ritual, and started the initiation process in the pre-ordained way. All
though the ritual I kept thinking something magical would happen; something
would just leap out of the air to symbolise something was happening. It didn't
- but all the next day I wasn't myself - like something had drained my
energies enough to leave me in a daze. I bumped into Eddie and Lucy later
that afternoon, who promptly scared the pants off me with stories of powerful
magical rites designed to harm and hurt. I didn't want any of that; I didn't
even want to use magic all that often; just if and when I needed it. It
looked like I'd soon be finding out which way the cookie crumbles.
On the 24th I set off to pick up Tracy and
my mother before the seasonal jaunt to the Ilkley Alternative Medicine
(Mind/Body/Spirit) fair. As usual, I'd phoned around a few friends to ask if
they wanted to tag along, but only Tracy had been able to make a positive
confirmation to go; and would I mind if Ki, her one-year-old son, came along
as well? Sure he could come. I'd been mused by Ki's antics ever since we were
introduced a while ago. I never thought kids could be so uplifting to the
soul - the way they see the world in such an innocent, miraculous way way a
joy to watch. It made me look forward to a time when I had my own kid(s) and
I realised what all the fuss was about. Anyway, all four of us squeezed into
the old faithful Ford Orion and made our way there. Regretfully I'd already
made a mistake; I'd forgotten to tell mum that Tracy and Ki had agreed to
come; and although she didn't say anything at the time, I found out a week
later that this mad been very annoying. She explained how she felt like I was
closer to Tracy than I was to her. She was right. My friendship to Tracy (and
her husband Karl) had been building steadily since we first met last February
for my first Reiki attunment, and we had by now lots to talk about. On the
other side of the coin, me and my mum had far far less in common, and our
one-sided chats unually revolved around her work, her garden, her friends and
the programs on TV. Although this was obviously upsetting to her, I'm sure
this cleared the way for growth between us. On the day though, things seemed
to go quite smoothly. I picked up a pocket-load of crystas, including some
more Turquoise, Amethyst and Carnelian, and some Kyanite, Malachite, Lapis
lazuli, Bloodstone, Selenite, some Emerald, a Ruby and a Herkimer Diamond, as
well as a book on crystal discriptions.
By the last week in March I was becoming
used to my new anti-spiritual life. I hadn't properly read a book in weeks, I
was back on the dope and the TV drained my brain away. At the same time I
thought about my love life and how my social life had never seemed to take
off. Why was it that I never enjoyed going out - surely if I made the effort
a few times I'd get used to it - but it just didn't feel right... I'd
justified this querk countless times and in coutless ways before; something
just didn't click with me; I couldn't see myself around the people who liked
the Accrington nightlife. Not to disrespect them - just not my kind of
society. Strangly, nearly all my friends seemed quite happy not to bother
going out. At least my mood began to come to life as the first few rays of
spring sunshine kept the pavement hot all week. I relaxed and took life at an
easy pace. Returning to Eddie and Lucies for another day of chat and magic, I
was given a spell to practice on - a healing spell - which I imediately
turned into a 'healing my mother' spell. The full moon was on Thursday, but
as the Thursday wore on beyond the bounds of time and space, strange things
began to happen. By the end of the day I was worm out but the mayhem didn't
stop. One of my next door neighbours took a drug overdose and the whole
street was shaken to it's feet - most of whom where 16 year old girls with
cigarettes in one hand and kids of their own in the other. The womans mother
lived at the other side of my house, and after several strokes and a heart
attack this really was the last thing the old lady needed. After all the fuss
had died down and the police had gone away, I made up my healing spell to
include my mother, both the woman and her mother, as well as all the 'kids
with kids' who surrounded them. I used everything I could to send everybody
wisdom, strength and the healing that this street/town/region/country/world
needed in bucket loads. A few days after and I picked up a book on
channelling I'd borrowed off Lucy. My head was pounding by the energy which
had been under-used for so long. I had the bug again - I wanted to ascend
though the ranks of spirituality again to help save the world; and help save
myself from the world! Of course this would mean hard study, dedication and
commitment, and it would mean turning my back on the social scene for a while
longer, but so what! What if I awakened to connected bliss and spiritual
upliftment - and they weren't - who would be happier then?
Key issue: Financial
Security
Horoscopes for
April: Sit still and be quiet. The prey is about to take the bait. No further
action need be taken... yet. Sit still and be quiet. The enemy invaders may
be racing towards your fortress but any moment now, they will fall into the
hidden moat. No further action need be taken... yet. Sit still and be quiet.
The fuse has been lit and nothing can extinguish it. No further action need
be taken. How many more examples would you like me to offer? Just sit still,
be quiet... and trust. Remember, in April, that life is full of surprises.
One of those many surprises is that, no matter how often we acknowledge this
fact - or we try to be open to anything happening at any time - we still end
up managing to be surprised! Some surprises are unwelcome. They don't become
any more or less welcome, regardless of how we try to adapt to them. Others,
thankfully, are truly delightful. Nothing whatsoever can spoil our
appreciation of them - not even the knowledge that such a surprise is on the
way. Enjoy yours this month and remember... you really don't need to do much
at all, other than to trust. "That's just the way it is. Some things
will never change." The late George Harrison might not have agreed with
Bruce Hornsby's famous assertion. George felt sure that, "all things
must pass." George was a Piscean so let us lean in favour of his view.
You need not be pessimistic about a difficult factor in your life. In time,
circumstances will alter and harsh realities will become much softer. For the
time being though, you need to accept things as they are and develop a
strategy for coping. Saturn should aid and abet you most magnificently in
this endeavour soon. [The first week] is a time for getting real, getting
wise and then getting away from something that has been too difficult for too
long.(©) Cainer.com
You're extra
defensive about your moral code the first week of April, as everybody seems
to offend it! While they accuse you of being old fashioned, you're convinced
that they're making excuses. In this case, you're probably right. Stick to
your principles, even when you're made to feel old fashioned, puritanical or
just a plain old kill-joy. There's nothing wrong with having dreams just so
long as you don't let them disappear like Will o the Wisp or pretend or
justify to yourself why you lost out. Nothing needs slip through your fingers
if you are truly committed and prepared to see something to the bitter end.
It's a matter of whether you sincerely believe in what you're doing, if
you're not then give it up rather than carry on with the kind of sickening
hypocrisy you accuse others of. This month is about being true to yourself, doing
unto others what you would have them do to you and generally letting the
light of authenticity dazzle the focus of all that's bad, false or wrong with
the world. You've come to a stage when you must find your real role and goal
rather than meander hither and thither here and there with no real focus.
[Tell me about it!] Emotionally you need support and if you're not getting it
then ask yourself what is it you're doing to have lost the respect, love or
trust of those you hold dear. Within that question could be the answer to
many things which have passed you by. To paraphrase the great Bard, the
answer lies in you, NOT in your stars. (©)2002, Russellgrant.com
Your communication skills will be
highlighted this month and it is your job not to be afraid to use them. There
is so much input you have to offer yet you hold back due to lack of
confidence... do not do this to yourself! It is time to stand up and eloquently
offer your solid opinions and deep perceptions. Your words will have
influence. Expressing thoughts and opinions is like exercising a muscle...
the more you do it the stronger it (your skill) will become. When thoughts
become jumbled, still yourself and recall your "central thought" -
the rest of the words will follow. (©) astrologyguide.com
The weather was still hot as April came
into full view; quite a boon in this part of the UK; and my yearly SAD slowly
melted away. It seemed my spiritual crisis had also mellowed with the seasons
and I decided once again to take one or two things on trust for a while until
things made themselves clearer. The first week left me at quite a loss to
track down my own awareness of life. Where was my mind all of a sudden? I
couldn't even concentrate on conversations! The more I yeared to find some
kind of awareness, the more my mind skipped uncontrollably over the horizon.
This behaviour seemed to go way back into my past and played a heavy part in
my now tentative relationship with my mother - I just couldn't remember the
22 years I'd spent in her company as her son. Quite an acheivement of
blockage by any standards. Mum called me up later in the week to let me know
she'd been busy making a new 'chakra' jumper for my narrow shoulders. At last
we had something in common to talk about, and I even found myself calling her
back the very next day to discuss the colour of Garnet stone.
Speaking of crystals, I had an idea I
should had thought about long ago. For some time I'd had an old crystal
chakra necklace handing around with the rest of my stone, unused and
forgotten. I couldn't wear it as the thin thread holding it all together was
about to snap and deliver its contents all over which ever floor I happened
to be walking on at the time. Then I thought, why not take off some of these
stones from the necklace and put them inside the crystal pouch I always
carried around my neck. This would also mean that a small crystal for each
chakra would always be within my aura, as well as any other stones I wanted
to carry at the time. The lavender I also held in the pouch was also replaced
to add a beautiful spiritual aroma, and I charged up all whole lot in the sun
and moonlight for the fullest effect.
The lazy life continued well into April. By
the second week I was at last able to pick up the books on lend I'd been
meaning to read and return. These were inspirational, and I managed to
channel one or two good lessons as a result, but things weren't happening as
fluidly as they were before my rejection of all things spiritual. At least
things at work were picking up. For the first time in a long time I was in
the bosses good books and I was generally getting on with everybody ok. This
was just as well, because I received though the post the answer to the
question I'd asked way back on the 19th of November last year. "Would I
be able to attend the free week at the Arthur Findley Spiritualist College in
August?" The invitation said "Yes" but the boss said
"No"; room for improvement there! But still my hopes were high. I
saw the big boss the week after in the hope of a reprise, but the jury was
out until further notice. Fingers crossed.
Something else appeared out of the blue
that Monday as one of the guys I worked with agreed to come over and get some
Reiki treatment for his back and leg complaints. This was the first proper
teatement, other than to my mother, I'd given since I was attuned to Reiki
last year. I didn't really know what to do so I put on some soft music, lit
some insence and got to work. He slept like a baby. Afterwards he said the
treatment had eased some of the pain but not all of it, but at least my
entrance into healing had been a positive one.
All that week I'd also been bugged by a
recurring dream. Every night I was thrown back in time to my schooldays, and
for some reason I was confused as to whether I should go to school or drop
out completely. For some reason I thought I was failing in some classes, and
on one occasion I asked to see a teacher hoping to be excused, but this
didn't happen. This went on all week; and matters didn't get any easier when
I remembered that I was also working at Asda 2-10pm (meaning I couldn't
attend school even if I wanted to). I assumed after all this confusion that
the dreams were pointing to the unsettlement I had over my spiritual,
personal, and professional career directions; but at last the dream stopped
recurring.
The second week of April also brought with
it the 'dark moon' and New Moon, essencially eclipsong my personal energy
levels yet again. This time I thought I'd try to combat the situation with a
Selenite and a Carnelian crystal, which I'd carry around with me for the
week. And yes, they did seem to take the edge off things a bit. The following
week saw my energy returning thanks mainly to warm sunshine and a relaxed way
of life...oh, and a new moon. On the 21st I was treated to a night with a
medium named Denise Grundy at Blackburn Spiritualists'. Denise was the third
and last medium to advise me last year, on the 28th of October to be exact,
and she was on top form tonight as well. Although I didn't ecieve anything
directly from her this time, I did pick up a few pointers from the messages
she gave to others - particularly a philosophy she gave to a girl about
'things going in cycles for a reason', and that the dark times often make the
lighter times possible. Denise also took time to tell us all about her most
difficult challenge in the arctic with a sled and huskey dog team. In fact
this was the first service she had attended since returning from that trip,
and she was glad to be home with the memories. The trek was for charity and
so it was all for a good cause, but the most amazing part was that she had
found so much about herself and her awareness while she was out there.
"You learn how to balance the sled and
to act quickly to avoid trees and hidden drops. You have to trust your lead
dogs implicitely because they are your guides. But most of all you must stay
aware all of the time; to duck under branched and to swerve around bends.
When the going gets touch you need to get off the sled and push it or the
dogs will give up. You learn quickly what balance, trust, harmony and
awareness is all about. And at the end of the day, almost alone in the
vastness of the scenery, you see the beauty of it all".
After the service I took the opportunity to
meet Denise and talk about my challenge of awareness. Something had to be the
answer to the puzzle, but what? "Try slowing down a pace, take time to
do things in your own time, and then you will take things in at your own
pace. Be aware of the moment with you feelings rather than with your brain,
and use the things around you to stimulate your senses. Because of the law of
cause and effect, simply being aware of your awareness causes the effect of
more moments of awareness the same way. Be yourself." These were words
indeed, and although I seemed to know them off-by-heart already I really felt
something moving with her positive vibrations. Mondays Open Circle was a much
more relaxed affair than usual. For one thing I wasn't tense with the thought
of getting up and giving a message. And indeed, the first message I got when
I closed my eyes way 'you don't have to stand up today if you don't want to',
so I didn't. I just enjoyed the moment. It seemed the anxiety's and loss of
awareness partly came whenever I tried to communicate - it was so easy for me
to get carried away in my enthusiasm sometimes - so I intentionally slowed my
speech to good effect. After all, I mused, we can only take in energy at a
certain rate, and going too fast would mean we could not hope to absorb
things effectively.
After that weekend things started to pick
up pace again. Motivation to carry on with the Glory Hole web site awoke from
it's slumber, and inspiration for my book bubbled on a low heat - just
waiting to boil. As a result I made sure to visit Bevery again in the Glory
Hole on the 16th, hoping to spread the poisitivity thickly enough to get
results. I lent her my new crystal book and we talked about crystals for a
while. Bevery had aquired a bag of black onyx stones and was keen to see what
the book made of it. After reading the description we both agreed we needed
some - so Bev very kindly gave me one for free. I'd been looking for black
Onyx for ages (and looking back over the chrystals I'd asked for last year,
I'd managed to pick up vitually everything I'd wanted!).
I was being granted wishes all the time!
Not only the Arthur Findley College week, the crystals, awareness, cheap
music CDs and playstation games, a copy of The Lord of the Rings Part 1 on
VHS, more money, Glastonbury 2002, more friends etc, I also had a taste of
lucid dreaming. I'd thought about this off-and-on since I heard about this
phenomenon, with limited success. Then, after playing around with crystals
under the pillow, I found that leaving a malachite chrystal under the pillow
aided sleep greatly. But not only that, after a while I niticed that the
dreams were becoming much easier to interact with and 'drop into'. This had
been building slowly for a week, until, on the night of Monday the 15th, a
programme on TV showed that this idea was being made into new feature films
and even an animated movie. That was it... just before I went to bed I
silently asked to have a full length lucid dream that night. And sure enough
I did. The nights sleep seemed to be very light and intermittent, yet by the
morning I was at last dreaming. I awoke at around 10am and fell straight into
a lucid dream. The scene revolved around my car needing to be fixed, so I took
it to a garage for a rewire and a respray. Since I was aware of what was
going on I could interject with my own thoughts and actions if I wanted to,
and I ended up having an argument with the machanic over the bill. It seemed
my surpressed emotions could easily bubble to the surface in these dreams,
and I could exercise harsh language and light voilence without causing harm
to a living soul. Very liberating. I awoke again at 11am and realised I
didn't need to get up for work that day, and dropped into a lucid dream all
about work. This ended quite spectacularly with one of the managers being
pinched between the legs and me turning invisible to avoid being caught. I
didn't actually visit heaven or fly or do anything like that, but what the
hell, small steps can be just as fun. The surprising thing was that although
the night had been very light on sleep, I felt like I'd had a full 10hours
rest.
Motivation! That word keeps on turning up
in my life like a rash, and yet I keep on looking straight through it like it
doesn't exist. After another week of rest and relaxation I was ready for a
kick up the back-side, and this came in the form of a good days living. That
day was Sunday the 21st of April. I awoke to the phone ringing in my ear;
Dave was bent on delivering the message that the New Age show he'd mentioned
last week was happening that day, and did I want to go? Since nothing better
have materialised all week I finally decided to make a positive move and head
down there - but not before spending an hour or two with Simon (and finally
paying off the dept I borrowed last February!). Dave was still too busy
'umm'ing and 'ahh'ing about going so I set off on my own. The sun was shining
merrily as I cruised the streets of Padiam in the hope of finding the Nazereth
Unitarian Church, which I discovered had been right under my nose all along.
A friendly face immidiately caught my eye as I walked through the door;
David, a psychic artist I knew through the Blackburn Open Circles was on his
way out of the building after spending almost a day in there. We chatted
about the man who was due to visit Blackburn church on Monday along with his
psychic musical skills. Appearantly, this guy had an ear for mixing peoples
names and starsigns with piano/organ notes, to make a vibration of notes
which would resonate to that persons individual frequency. I was looking
forward to it, and although I didn't realise it, he was sitting just accross
the room from me at the time. Then who should come around the corner than
Dave; who'd decided to make the effort after all! After a tour of the venue,
with nothing jumping out to catch my eye (for a change), we went though a
side door and into a Tai Chi demonstration. Was an old hand, having been a
one-time dedicated member of the Tai Chi group at this very church, but I was
still a raw initiate to the whole thing. Tai Chi had been a fasination of
mine for quite a while and only too to the sidelines as I followed the Yoga
and Meditation route, but now things were finally coming together it seemed. The
lady overseeing the demo began to introduce the subject though the philosophy
of the Chi energy lines of the body, where I picked up one or two very
interesting grains of truth to enliven my day.
Then it was on to the practical part and we
all got to our feet and assumed the position. A short distance in and my
hands started tingling with the energies - my Reiki had kicked in. I
remembered Bev saying a long time ago that this happened when she did Tai
Chi, and really made a difference to her healing. The teacher went on to talk
about how blockages happen and how to avoid them. "Holding your legs
straight with the knees locked for too long actually blocks the flow of chi
to your feet, and this can lead to your feet feeling cold all the time. The same
this happens with the arms. There are Chakra under the elbows and armpits,
and so if you constantly stand with arms close to your body instead of having
a space for the air to flow between them, you could have cold hands."
This explained a lot in my case! I couldn't beleive that I could actually
feel the energies starting to flow after such a short exposure.
I left the church around 5pm when all the
stands were being packed up and put away. I really wanted to blow out the
cobwebs and so, after saying my farewells to Dave, made my way up the winding
roads of Pendle Hill. The wind blew up a fresh breeze and the kites were
flying as I reached the top. You could always rely on Pendle to sweep out the
dust of the mind. The 340 degree view took the last of my breath away ...and
I felt great. Off to the side of the mountain and out of the wind I took a
leaflet from my pocket that I'd picked up at the fair, all about the wonders
of Theosophy. I'd known of this kind of spiritual philosophy before but I was
surprised again to pick up more pearls of wisdom on the life and times of
souls and ways of the universe. I was still half thinking about taking this
course further as I drove over to Blackburn for the Sunday Service. This
Sundays speaker was another familiar face, and I knew this guy was good at
his work. The onyx crystal given by Beverly was working it's magic around my
neck, and the whole days experience seemed to be giving me confidence and a
very clear and calm mind. The speaker turned to me...
"Can I come to lad at the back with
the denim shirt... I feel drawn to talk to you about collage courses and a
change of career." he began. To told him that I had been looking for a
new direction in both these areas for a long time. "Yes, they are
saying... how can I put this... you are a very lazy person?" The
congregation errupted with laughter as I said this was also very true to say
the least. "You must find the motivatiion somehow to find what you are
looking for and get to where your going. They're saying you're waiting for
something to come to you, but things don't happen that easily - you have to
go out and find what you need. You need to find somehow to get something
behind you and get motivated... I can see that you will be spending the money
as soon as it comes in as you find your way. You'll be earning a lot more
money than you are now, and this is going to take some getting used to, but I
can see you are buying a house so you have lots to look forward to. But at
the same time, I can see you'll be buying these material things on your own,
I can't see a partner with you... I'll try to ask who's giving you this
information... They won't say, they just tell me it's 'a friend' and you'll
know who. I'll leave you with that." I have several ideas who this could
be - after all, my guides had been trying to give me the same message for
such a long time what by now I knew the tune as soon as it started to play.
But where was this dream job? I could only think of the book I was hoping to
write, and that was already taking shape in my heart rather than my mind.
Time, as usual, held all the cards.
Looking back at my horoscopes for this
month I noticed that surprises were indeed being planned all the time, and
they were still happening all around me now. Armed with the encouragment of
the mystic Sunday, Monday was no less dramatic. Monday afternoon was
interupted by another phone call from Simon; and in no time at all I was
around there enjoying a take-away. I had been in half a mind to let our
friendship dwindle but today made me realise there was still plenty of life
in the old dog yet. Then I made it over to the church (on time) to see the
guest psychic musician. The place was packed and everybody was wondering what
this was all about. Then Steve, the artist took over, introduced his 16 track
synthesizer keyboard, and lead us all in a chinese-style accompanied
meditation. Suitably relaxed, I could feel my aura already extending way
above my head. Out of the 22 names he had been given to work on, Steve had
selected nine at random and, using the calderan system us numerology (which I
was already aquainted with) composed music to fit the names, sun sign and the
numerology of these people. We had no idea who he had chosen to write music
for, but appearantly this music would connect the individual to the soul by
hightening the whole chakra energy system. The first pre-recorded track
played and I felt my third-eye open wide and seem to mix with the crown
energy. I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and fell into a deep
meditation. "The soul number of this person is a number 5",
announced Francis afterwards - I knew deep down that this was my number and
my music - I raised my hand. "Yes, it was Daniels". She came
towards me holding a breakdown of the numerology Steve had used and a tape recording
of the music. I was in seventh heaven and remained in meditation almost
through the rest of the meeting. When I got home I practiced a little Tai Chi
I'd learned on Sunday and as I thought about spiritual matters and my
situation I was inspired to write the following poem:
23rd of April, 2002
My soul is in torment, where do I turn?
Where is the fire for which my heart yerns?
Inspiration and intuition abound,
Through love the secret can be found.
Idealism, intellect and mystery is the path
I take,
To find the influence of Spirit for humanities sake.
But can I find the confidence I need to create
My own world of joy - my supreme bliss,
That tender touch, that loving kiss.
And to what end?
There are plans and there are hopes which
fill my mind,
Which go unchecked most of the time.
Secretive this, versatile that,
The dawn sun's pale light uncovers the fact
That I don't fit into any catagory at all.
Where will I go?
Practically eccentric, a final resolution
Begins to uncover a partial solution.
Research is the key - can it be
So simple to report what I beleive
In my heart to be the truth?
And can I hold on while my heart seeks
The inspiration of love so sweet..?
Some time later I decided to confront one
of my 'fears'. I'd never really liked going into pubs and bars - just not my
thing - but at last I though what the hell. After work one Saturday I
disappeared into the local Swan and emerged some time later wondering what
all the fuss is about. I still didn't feel the need to go into pubs; and none
of my friends did; but at least now I wasn't kicking myself thinking I
'should' be like everybody else.
The rest of April blended into a blur as I
looked forward to a week off work (beginning on the 5th of May). Somehow, my
personality at Asda had changed again. Instead of falling back on the mask of
lazyness I usually wore to make everybody beleive I was unintelligent; and so
getting away with doing as little work as possible; instead I found myself
talking and acting as my full confident, intelligent, sensible, hard-working
self. As an offshoot to this my Manager was starting to get suspisious of the
'me' she thought she knew, and saw that my IQ was above 30 after all. I kept
out of her way in case she made me Supervisor or something.
Key issue: Focus
"Thank you for dialling the
helpline.." There's a lot to be said for getting 'expert advice'. Most
of it though, is unprintable. Every so often though, you DO encounter someone
who really knows the score. This month, you may just find such a rare being.
When you do, just remember that there's no point in getting a dog and then
continuing to do all your own barking? Someone in your world is a specialist.
[The Soul] He or she knows how to do one particular thing extremely well.
[Awareness] For one reason or another though, you feel inclined to compete
with this person. Frankly, you are out of your league. Besides which, if you
just allow you-know-who to do all the you-know-what - you can get on with
something much more satisfying and something, too, which is much more suited
to your own natural set of talents and abilities. So hang on the line a
little longer this month! (©) Cainer.com"
'Delegating' is a word to work into your
daily life. You must stop thinking that you have to do everything yourself.
This reluctance to ask others to help for fear of 'imposing' is harming your
psyche not to mention your health. You must not continue to carry another's
load when that person is perfectly capable. In the first place, you are not
helping that person, you are weakening his/her sense of responsibility and
increasing his/her dependence on another when you know in order to survive in
this world, one must be self-sufficient. In the second place, you end up
feeling incapable because you do not have enough hours in the day to
accomplish the things you need to accomplish, then you are left feeling tired
and run-down. (©)2002, Russellgrant.com
Horoscope: For
Week commencing Saturday, 4th May 2002 "It is time to stop for a while.
You have been putting yourself under too much pressure. You have been
worrying more than you need to about matters that are less important than
they seem. In the process you have tired yourself out and, worse, lost touch
with your sense of fun. When humour is compromised, the nature of your very
identity is challenged. Nothing matters as much as the ability to realise,
that nothing much matters! [Life is a dream!] It is time to forget the things
you have been trying too hard to remember. Ease up and settle down. The
rhythm of your life is changing. (©) 2002 Cainer.com"
The month of May came fast as I longed more
than ever for a break from that place called Asda. The week before the off
just flew by; and most of it was taken up by rearranging pallets in the
warehouse; a job which I enjoyed as it needed my essential artistic design
skills to put it all in order. So often my skills are completely useless as a
shelf-filler. Eddy came in to work to ask if I would be going up there some
time soon. I said I could make the coming Sunday. I didn't know why, but this
time off seemed to be very important for some reason. The girls at work were
asking if I was doing anything special and I said no, "I'm not
travelling", I said confidently to my manager - only to get the bright
idea less than an hour later of going up to the Lakes for a camping break.
Besides, I needed to test the tent ready for Glastonbury - even though I
couldn't get a ticket I knew I still had to be there somehow. And so I
arrived at Eddy and Lucy's that Sunday armed with this intention and rearing to
go. Of course, Eddy, being an ex-army veteran volunteered more than his
wisdom in the art of survival. My mind and my hands were weighed down with
stuff by the time I left; including a flask, waterproof touch, first aid kit,
camping knife, and a long list of essential tips for those windy afternoons
on the fell. I got to talk to Lucy for quite a while that day, and through a
flash of inspiration she gave me the address of a girl she thought would make
a good penpal. This intrigued me enough to start writing a letter that
afternoon, but as I did so, a voice made it clear that I should start my
letter after I came back from the Lakes. Then I would have lots more to talk
about.
Although I wanted to get my arse on holiday
as soon as possible, I held off until after the [spiritual] awareness class
on Monday because I knew Steve would be back with more mind blowing soul
music. And he was. One thing I knew about myself was that I'd never get up
early enough on Tuesday to make a good day of it, and after leaving Karl and
Tracys at 2:30 Tuesday morning (I really would miss those people when they
moved to the Isle of White this month), I was certain the best thing would be
to just stay up all night; and it would also mean I would get to sleep early
on the first night ready for an early start on day two. With everything
packed onto a new rucksack I'd bought on Eddys advice (along with a sack full
of other stuff) I was ready to go. Nearly everything I wanted to take fit in,
except for six wholemeal baps - and I could have taken those if only I'd
known that I would be camped right next to the car! Finally the last minute
shopping was over and I was on my way. It was around 3 when I got up to
Keswick, and the first sign I saw was for the Castlerigg stone circle; the
inspiration behind the trip in the first place. I stopped by the site, scoped
out the map, and found the nearest camp site was at Castlerigg farm. Just a
short distance down the road from the circle, Castlerigg farm turned out to
be a fully equipped camping paradise for such a novice like me. They had
everything from hot showers to a laundry room - even a washroom to clean your
pans in! Brilliant! Thank god I was drawn to this place, and from then on I
knew my first camping experience would be great both for my mind and soul.
The tent was up in no time and I couldn't wait to set off to see the circle.
The thing that surprised me most was that
the sheep never went into the circle unless they had to. I was also glad to
feel the energies within that place even though the new moon wasn't charging
up the stones as a full moon would. Keswick town lay another 15mins down the
road so I made my way though the town in search of a lively fish and chip
shop. Luckily, I'd passed though this part of the country twice before; once
with my mother about 10 years earlier and again with Simon one sunny summers
day; so I knew just the place. Then I headed for the local park to breath in
the beautiful flowers and wildlife. Moments after I sat down, a bird came
over to greet me. A little bullfinch (I think) hopped along the ground right
next to my feet, so I broke off a piece of my berger bun and offered it in
kindness. And amazingly the little bird ate right from my fingers. Then a
Robin came down hoping for meal, and the whole park seemed to come alive with
birdsong. I loved how animals seemed to come to me knowing they wouldn't be
harmed. I thought this would be the experience I'd remember most on this
holiday - but I was very wrong - this was the tip of the magical iceberg.
I hardly slept a wink that night even after
such a long day, but I was still up bright and fresh around 10 and next
morning. Never had a morning seemed so good to be alive in. It wasn't the
weather; which was as overcast as it always is in the Lakes, but the feeling
of freshness just lifted me. The plan today would be to take a tour of
Derwent Water Lake and I hoped there would be a path to take me all the way
around. After only 10mins at the lake I found myself on a bench talking to a
couple of old ladies. The people were so friendly around here too, especially
now before the tourist season took off and made things move too fast. After
that I greeted nearly every person I saw on my travels with a nod and a
"Hiya" - and wondered why people didn't do this everywhere anymore.
A fork in my motivations led me from the lake and up onto the fells. Again I
was thanking my guides for my contact with Eddy because the staff he gave me
as a present became the most valuable tool of the week. About five foot fall
and made of strong Elm tree wood, my staff helped me up, down and over hills
and fells - not to mention though countless bogs along the way! Going down
the fell along one of the many uncharted paths, I came across a dark blue
cotton handkerchief with the corner ripped, lying by the path. It smelled
from lying around and wasn't in the best condition, but I liked it somehow
and picked it up anyway. I'd been drawn to this item, but why?
In the meantime the lake came back into
view, and directions from another couple of hikers I met led me to the
'duckboards' leading to the other side. I was really starting to relax my
pace now. Not feeling the pressures of town living anymore. Circled by trees
and water, and surrounded on all sides by the sounds and smells of nature in
all it's glory finally opened my senses to the miracle of planet Earth. The
staff was becoming an extension on my own hand, the wind cleaned out my lungs
and freshened my mind. Nothing mattered for a precious few hours, only me and
everything. A monastery was signposted to the right and pointed to a gate
with 'private' on it. But just outside there was a tree covered with
multicoloured strips of material hanging from nearly every branch. What was
this for? I walked up to inspect this sight closer; to find that the material
seemed to be torn from scarves and cloths obviously worn by travellers. At
last I knew why I'd been drawn to the blue handkerchief - and its torn corner
made tearing a strip off easy. Carefully I tied my addition to the tree.
Several passers by gave me the once over and I pressed on, leaving the tree
to dwell in my mind. What a strange sight to see in the corner of a lake.
Maybe it was some kind of symbol to show appreciation to trees, or nature, or
life or something. Only after another mile down the road did I hear a small
voice speaking softly. My guides, or higher self (I didn't know which) were
always available to answer these questions, why didn't I just ask!
"Well, is it a Thanksgiving tree or
something?", I asked. "No", came the reply "That was a
wishing tree. You were supposed to make a wish as you tied your ribbon to
it!" Of course! Now it made perfect sense. I visualised my material on
the tree and sent a wish to it - the usual 'may I be's' including 'may I be
all I can be, for humanities sake', and 'may I be wise, courageous, loving,
giving' etc etc, were all sent back to the tree for processing, along with
one or two additions the guides reminded me of as I walked. At last I
appreciated how they were helping me all the time.
By now I was ready to head back. Another
three hours later and I was in Keswick enjoying a pint of cider, being
myself. I had gained a great deal of self confidence from today and a lot of
the old cobwebs got blown away. But I really needed some solid grub inside me
before bed, and so as I got back into camp I threw everything into the tent
and headed off to the local, the Crag Bar - which liked to specialise in
'hiker' sized bar meals. The evening passed into night as I sat talking to a
guy I met from Bradford about music and films. Pleasantly rounded after three
pints, we made out way back.
The night of day two was a noisy tyrant,
but try as it might, the wind just couldn't blow my tent over. Surfacing
around 10, the weather was very calm and dry again - a blessing for this time
of year - and I took time to get myself ready for the day. The 50pence I put
into the hot shower unit that morning was the best 50p I'd ever spent in my
life. Even little things like hot water were now richer than gold thanks to
camping. Today I hoped to climb a mountain. Not just any old hill but quite a
big one - a symbol of the fact that I could achieve anything I wanted if I
really wanted to. So around noon I got my shit together ready to head off
onto Castlerigg fell.
Up on the fell, after yet another friendly
conversation with a couple of fellow view seekers, I turned my attention to
the peaks. The highest peak on the radar was named 'High Seat', a doddle at a
mere 2,000 feat above sea level, and a few hours (and a good few bogs) later I
could be seem heading up the western slopes. Thanks again to my staff, the
way was made considerably easier, and all of a sudden I looked up to see I
had made it to the top. I could see a full 360 degrees from up there, and
most of the lesser mountain tops could be seen below me; leaving only the
likes of Skiddaw, Helvellyn and Scafell Pike to mar this satisfaction. Some
way further on I found the top was marked by a pile of stones, a stone
shelter, and, just the the side, a pyramid shaped rock - as if the top of the
mountain was poking up above the soil. The rock was big enough to stand upon,
so with the staff gripped in both hands to steady me, I climbed aboard. This
spot felt magical. From here I could see the vast Northern valley. I
instinctively grounded myself and felt my roots penetrate deep into the
Earth. Then I went into a kind of trance meditation and stated to breath in
the light in the air. I felt the presence of the Earth up there, a spiritual
presence, a humbling force. As I breathed in the crisp air I asked that this
force penetrate deep into every chakra; to go right down and clean out all
the black, dark negativities still left in there. I sent all these energies
to the wind, and actually felt the wind blow straight through me to take these
pressures away. A light came down thought my crown chakra to cleanse my body
and I was moved enough to begin my affirmations again - only this time with
more strength and conviction. "...May I be open to the Earth, and the
Universe. May spirit flow through me as it flows though all things; opening
my heart, opening my mind and opening my senses. May this power give me
strength and motivation, may this energy stir my soul and activate my body
into true awareness, so that I may use it for the highest good...". The
intention was pure and the wind began to blow. Harder and harder it blew, as
if trying to knock me off my spot, trying to shake my conviction, but all it
could do was to make my mind stronger. "I will not be shaken, I will not
be swayed", I enforced as I continued the spell.
Some time later I completed my wishes and
ended the meditation; and as I did so, the wind died down to the level it had
been before. When I tried to open my eyes I was met by a brilliant bright
blinding light, which eventually faded to allow the view to appear again
(which was not the sun as the day was very cloudy and overcast). I felt
enlivened and yet drained at the same time. The rounded walls of the stone
shelter gave me time to take in some hot soup and a chocolate bar for the way
down. In fact I was so grateful for the shelter that I made a quick repair of
it's walls before I left - something I'm sure future wanderers would be
grateful for. The souls of my feet were also tingling from the energy I'd
channeled - similar to the effect I get during a healing - and which
reassured me that something good had be created here. Then I left that
darkened hilltop with a wind that blew towards pastures new.
Wearily again I made my way back to camp
and into the Crag Bar for refreshments. This time there were only three of us
in there, but as fate would have it, they were from Darwen (of all places) -
just down the road from Accrington. The meal and a pint of cider dried up the
last of my cash pool, so I was very glad of the free pint they offered me as
we talked. A very enjoyable evening, although I really needed to get to bed
and left around 11:30.
The last day (10th) of this four day
extravaganza erupted into my life at about 2 in the morning. All I could hear
was the sound of three drunken scousers arguing with the camp owner about
being quiet. As they argued they got louder and louder until I'm sure the
whole of Keswick got the picture. Finally, after agreeing to go to sleep, the
waves parted and the manager walked off before hitting something she
shouldn't - while the rest of the crew continued to argue for another hour
about being quiet. The welcome sound of rain on my canvas was my cue to turn
over and go back to sleep; and put the scouse fire out nicely. Despite the
annoyance of snoring coming from an earthquake in the tent next door, I
managed to get plenty of rest that night to prepare my bones for the lazy day
ahead. I awoke to find I'd come down with a bad case of 'last day blues'; the
symptoms of which kept me lazing around the tent until after dinner. I
checked my personal charity fund. Only two quid left to spend that day - but
that didn't matter, I just wanted to wander around town today anyway.
Besides, I had my eye on some wooden flutes which were selling for only 75p
each.
Two ducks saw me off on my journey; one
male and one female; and they came right up to the flap of my tent hoping for
a free meal. Again I saw why I should have brought the wholemeal baps I'd
bought specially. The pair looked so cute together and looked longingly at
the cigarette I was smoking thinking it to be some kind of exotic
self-cooking bread. I made sure the butt got put into my rubbish bag as I'm
sure the ducks would have eaten it otherwise - they had make do with the
chocolate off my Mars bar.
Friday afternoon in Keswick was very warm
and sunny. I took my time to browse the shop windows before going back
through the park to the lake to check out my new flute. Everybody was in a
relaxed mood; which chilled me out all the more. I wished I could live in
this part of the country, but after seeing the 0's on the house prices in the
estate agents window I decided this would have to remain a pipe dream. There
were many New Age type shops dotted about, which gave me an excuse to try to
find a proper leaving present for Karl and Tracy. Inside a crystal &
fossil shop I found a beautiful rose quartz lamp for £39; just the thing I
thought. But then I made the mistake of going to the bank, and found my
account was 50 quid in the red. So no joy there then. A local book shop also
offered lots of temptations; plenty of spiritual books and self help manuals
- most of which I could have written myself, but in the end I had to leave
town empty handed.
There was nothing else for it, the time was
getting on for 4 and I had to make a move for home. The drive would take
about two and a half hours, and I didn't fancy spending all night unpacking
my gear, but at least I could take my time driving back - or so I thought.
The motorway was packed, especially after 5pm. And after trailing the wagons
in the slow lane for an hour, taking in the scenery, I had to put my foot
down and get with the rat race. The speedo read 70 but still the whole world
seemed to be passing my right side like I was standing still. So I sped up
more, but try as I might I just couldn't seem to go fast enough for them. It
seems that no matter how fast we can go, we always want to go that little bit
faster. Fast is never fast enough. The basis of this turned into a ten minute
philosophy at the spiritualists the next day, which captivated me as well as
my audience. The first thing I did when I got home was to rip the sheets off
the bed and put fresh new covers on. I also opened up all the windows as the
air in Accrington seemed non-existent compared to the rich oxygen I had been
living on back in the Lakes. What a pig sty I'd been living in. Certain
things like that were put right at the top of my 'must do' list for a change,
now I had all that lakeland energy and enthusiasm in my veins.
The next few days were mostly spent getting
the house back in some kind of shape; endlessly washing cloths in the washer
while another load dried on the line, endlessly washing up dishes, endlessly
moving papers, tapes, books and general clutter, until I could walk and sit around
the place without having to look down and removing some obstacle first. After
all that had happened, the seminar at the spiritualists I wanted to be back
for seemed a huge anti-climax, although I did receive lots of encouraging
clairvoyance. Things had to change around here. No more getting up at 2 in
the evening in time for work. No more going to bed at 3. At last I had an
idea of what Awareness was all about. And I had a plan; an escape route I had
to stick to; a book I had to write. With all this positivity, how could I
fail?
The middle week of May started a little
disappointingly. I still hoped to attend the course at the Spiritualist
college in August, but try as I might I still couldn't manage to get around
the boss. I returned Eddies generously lent camping gear only to be told that
Lucy would no longer be teaching me the Wiccan ways of spell casting. I knew
why. Eddie said "The forces that be have decided, a greater force has
taken over - it's out of my hands!" Very slowly I was being shown reasons
for things, through an opening of awareness. But this was saddening news, not
only were two of my friends moving away, but now I would be loosing most of
my contact with two other friends as well. In one way I was sad, but in
another I was actually relieved to be away from the influence of such a
powerful and mentally agressive man. With that came the relative end to my
interest in Wiccan and Magic, and very few spells were cast after that. My
interests drifted now towards philosophy and metaphysics. Yet I was aware
that magic was in my veins now. Sheer luck and magnetism couldn't explain all
the miraculous chains of positive coincidences which were propelling me
through the year - but I didn't know if I'd ever be drawn to magic again. I
got together with Simon on the Sunday hoping my new sense of self would mean
I could be myself around him for a change. I wasn't; still I couldn't seem to
be talk to him on an equal level. It was as if I knew he thought he knew me,
but all he knew was the old me, and that was the part I had to keep showing
him. But something wasn't quite right.
Something was building up and about to be
realised. As I waited eagerly for pay day on the 17th, I was being told in
all the horoscopes to watch out for the coming weekend. "Something which
has been a major obstacle will be revealed, and will be far less of a problem
than you thought." I knew my problem was my sence of self within this
world. The book on Channeling showned me the way towards the path of
communication with spirit; as if to prepair me for the path ahead; and I
finally understood that I was communicating with my soul - the seat of my
conciousness, and that the part of me that was the soul was beckoning me on
to join with it. Karl had forwarned me that there would be influential people
at the leaving party they were planning. These people were very highly aware
of the higher influences, and could be a source of vast knowledge. On night
that week I thought of several people just as I fell into the sleep state,
and found that I could join with their spirits and communicate with them. The
next day I found that just thinking about certain 'high vibrational people'
could trigger their awareness of me, and they could send me 'influential
forces'. Eddy tried to do this but I blocked his energy. I didn't want to
hear his way, although I began to understand why things had happened to break
my contact with him - not because he was a bad influence, but because he
could not teach me what I needed to know. My soul was trying to make me more
aware, and all that week I kept trying to be what I thought was the way to
become aware. But I couldn't get anywhere with it. I had been given the keys
to open the door but I still hadn't put it together. Keys to doors are in
fact philosophies; little reasons why things happen the way they do, an just
like stringing words to make a spell, lines of information could be collected
and used in a way as to open the door or a problem. What was my biggest
problem? If I could ask the highest force in the galaxy to help me solve
something, to break down and remove some kind of question from my mind, what
would it be? I thought about it and wrote down a few things down hoping to
ask these questions as I got the chance to channel.
By Saturday the 18th I was ready for a big
change. I was still determined to pin down awareness - to make the most of
the 'time' I move within, to notice life and the world while I am awake to
it. The spiritualist church was holding an open day; and many spiritual type
stands would be available to browse at the church. I went along intending to
buy a personal present for Tracy and maybe pick up a book or two. I was
instantly drawn to a book on Astral Travel as I secretly longed to widen my
awareness to this skill; which lay just beyond my vision. But instead I spent
most of the money in my pocket at a crystal stand. At last I had found the
ones I really wanted - Prehnite, peridot, kyanite, jade & serpentine,
amber - the stones which would lift my awareness to the next stage. Trish was
there with her family, and together we chose a beautiful Angel pendulum for
Tracy. That night I took a few of the new crystals with me on mediation - and
one or two messages did come though, but nothing amazing. My dreams were also
becoming more substantial, clearer and easier to remember. That old dream
book came in handy again, but these dreams were mataphores of their own...
The morning of the 19th opened with a
fright. The dream currently flowing in my mind involving rays of coloured
light, suddenly went dark and changed into a black world. The huge hooded
figure of the lord of death towered over my body holding a dagger. I half
awoke in a state of shock; for this figure was so very real; but then in an
instant I realised that this was just a dream, and that this terrible image
could never hurt me. I closed my eyes to see death plunge the dagger into my
frozen body. The initial discomfort subsided as I let myself go to this
creature. "Do you're worst - you can't hurt me!" The images faded
and when I awoke I forgot about the experience. On the way back from the
Spiritualists Sunday service, I stopped on a lonely hilltop and enthused
about philosophy. "This planet is paradise, if only I could see it. How
do I pick up awareness. I am trying but this is so hard". A silent reply
showed that my philosphy, "You won't pick it up if you don't pick it
up" ment more than just the obvious, and that just by wanting to try,
'they' could meet me half way and take me further. "You allow a space in
your life, a gap for these things to fill - just by wanting to make room for
them in your life. Just by wanted to learn and grow. The more space you make,
the more you can fill it with whatever you wish." I didn't know what I
really wanted. Still I looked over my list of trivial questions, not
realising what I really wanted above all was to be aware. My soul had been
directing my mind towards it all week, egging me on, asking me not to give
up. But still I didn't realise this until I went into a deep, marajuana
fueled meditation, and then all became clear. All. How everything I needed in
order to get over this bridge had already been given to me. I had the parts
of the key and tonight I was being shown how they came together to form the
master key of awareness. I had been given these keys for a long time, but
when they said "Be half aware" I didn't see it. When they said
"Open your ears, turn down your eyes, open your mind", I was as
blind as I ever could be. And even the tune/spell "Turn on, Tune in, and
cop out" couldn't make the puzzle clearer until now. But rolling
everything together I saw. Partly concious of my body, partly of the mind; in
a space of awareness just behind the eyes - I saw.
'The world is a dream - and just like
dreams they can't hurt you. I was spirit, and spirit can't be hurt - only the
physical can be damaged - but then the physical was just an illusion built by
man himself from lowly vibrating light. I was light, and there was no limit
to where I could go and what I could do when I realised this. Becoming aware
of the 'dream of life' was how awareness worked, and as the horoscope said;
nothing really matters (in a dream), the physical, the astral and the
spiritual were all the same and were boundless and without limitation. The
only limitations are the ones we place upon ourselves as we think of things
as 'solid' and 'real'. But by changing the mind we change our perspective,
and the impossible becomes miracle. We can change matter as we can change out
minds - we change what we perceive to be true. So manipulating matter though
spells and magik is just a way of changing matter through mind energy (as the
matter vibration is basically spirit energy, which the mind and everything
else we perceive is made from in the first place!). Everything is spirit,
everything is a dream! So we can see the dream. We can be 'on this Earth but
not of it' - as the great Kit Wood gave to me a long time ago. Even just
seeing the dream has it's own great power. But the mind can only sense this
for short burts before it becomes tired of the effort of regognition. But
once the faculty of the infinite moment is realised, this forms the addition
which pulls conciousness to awareness by it's own advantages. Have you ever
wanted to walk around freely in your dreams? Have you evey wanted to be absorbed
into a computer game or book, or walk around in your own fantasy world? Well
you are right now. The 'solid' world is made from your own perseption of it.
No two people see the world in the same way. They are living their dream and
you are living yours. That's not to say you can fly or push a house around
like you could imagine doing in an astral dream, because you know you are
limited by the limits of the physical. But as you connect, you realise that
outside of the physical plane, you can do these things. Everything is in the
process of constant change, and every second looks completely different from
the last. You can use this flowing force of chaotic change you call 'time' to
direct things to change in a different way. Using the mind to affect the
physical. As you see you are no longer chained to the physical; you are no
longer part of the dream - you are a soul that can direct it's conciousness
anywhere it likes; - you can use this conciousness to direct the soul
anywhere you choose; into whatever concious vessel you choose; in any time or
location. You can transcend the forces of gravity, of 'solidity', of time,
once you realise they are only energy. And you are that same energy. You are
part of everything and everything is one. Now you can use the unlimited
energy of spirit to manipulate things in this maliable spirit world. In this
plasticine paradise. All you need is the skill of knowing without doubt - the
essence of scorcery - and the unlimited power of the philosophers stone will
be tapped.'
This was true! The night before I noticed
I'd been invaded by ants. If I was in a dream and saw this I'd look in a
dream book and see this represented changes of (ants) awareness taking place
in my (house) body. Yet in the 'waking state' I didn't see this. And yet why
would such a strange thing happen - which hadn't happened to be in my 26
years of existence, why would this happen right now? Everything we are shown
is a dream symbol, whither in awake or sleep state. Things happen for a
reason. Every peice of information is a help. Every emotion a motivation,
every action causes a chain of consequences and growth. Now the dream book
would become my encyclopedia of life, and my encyclopedias would become the
books describing the dream. The more I saw this new state of awareness, the
more cleary the sounds, and smells and sights, and memories, and channelled
messages became, proving that this change was for the better. Every
stimulation came to me rather than the other way around. I wasn't looking for
awareness anymore - it found me!, whenever I noticed the dream. Everything
rolled into one. But just like another horoscope reminded me this week, this
is a temportary state of nirvana, and I had to look past this if I wanted to
find the real states of being. Unfortunately, Nirvana lasted only 24hours.
The next week was mostly spent
concentrating on getting people at work to cover my hours for August. All
along I knew all this situation boiled down to was a 'leap of faith' - keep
the faith and the net will appear, kind of thing. I knew it all too clearly.
Glastonbury was also in my mind. In 2000, the last (and first) time I'd
visited the festival, I knew I wanted to come back again the next time it was
on. That time with now - but all the tickets had sold out. Non of the gang I
went along with last time had bought tickets in-time, so it looked for one
horrible moment that this time a chance had gone... but no! Having kept up my
friendship with David from college had lead me a a group of new friends - and
they were going! All I had to do was to figure out how they could get me in
without a ticket. The next month I looked over the cards for inspiration. The
cards said that the outcome of this situation was still uncertain, but, keep
positive and confident and all will be well. Nuff said.
Karl and Tracies leaving party on Saturday
25th was a great gathering. Dispite one or two major upsets due to too many
people and too much beer, these interuptions were soon forgotten and the
evening rolled on well into the next morning. Tracy loved her Angel pendulum
and I gave Karl the complete works of Bill Hicks on cassette. I also got a
chance to chat to an African woman called Paulette who had gained the massive
responsibility as a guide for lost souls - rescue work as they call it. We
chatted together most of the night and it was a welcome change to find
somebody who knew a bit more about spirituality than the common man. In the
morning, Karl pulled out his most private poety for me to read, and we talked
long about the state of the world and the era which we live though. Then he
got out a dijeridoo. I heard a few days later that they were both very
concerned about there move - a very testing time. The full moon was on the
27th so I didn't hesitate to light a green candle and initiate a full ritual
to wish Tracy all the luck, growth and learning opportinitys possible in her
new home. I also sent them both healing and upliftment. By the next Saturday
I heard that all their troubles had subsided and they were ready for the off.
I couldn't stand any fond farewells.
The last week of May kind of closed down
one or two things. For one thing, the web site I had been working on for the
Glory Hole was finally completed. I double-checked all the code on all my web
viewers and printed a formal certificate of award to show that the site was
ready for business. I also finished a lookup-sheet for the major arcana Tarot
- which would come in very handy now my interest in the Tarot was on the rise
again. My lastest book (lent by a friend at church) was read though and
photo-copied to allow a new book the space to appear into my life. Basically
the week was spent trying to wrap things up and concentrating more on
awareness of myself and my dreams. I just wished the motivation spell I'd
asked Eddie to do would hurry up and work as I was turning towards my lazy
side again - a trait which would continue all through the year...
Key issue: Time for
Action
The winding-down streak carried on over
into June in a big way. On the second of June I attended a local park
mini-festival, complete with snack tents and a full crowd. The four cans of
cider I'd bought went down one after the other and I bumbed into Gaz - a
member of the gang I used to hang out with. The group swelled and soon the
vibe was high. Several hours later I could be seen staggering back down Royds
street towards my house - where I eventually passed out on the rug and awoke
again about four hours later. That hung over feeling lasted about three days,
but so what, I'd had fun. I wanted to get back to myself again after so much
astral and mind traveling the month before. Sunshine and relaxation did all
that for me, and soon I was more me again.
My dreams had been just that bit clearer
after my major insight on the 19th of last month. Now I was almost half aware
I was dreaming, I could remember more about my dreams in the morning, and I
awoke in the mornings with the shock of realising 'oh, I'm back in the
physical vibration again!'. My wanderings and wonderings were put on the back
seat while my batteries were being recharged for the next phase. What an
interesting life my soul was leading me though. Keep the faith! - they said..
I knew it made sense. That week I learned to relax and be myself just a
fraction more. I noticed I still wasn't happy in the sense that I wasn't
enjoying my life and using it to the full, so I decided to carry on with the
anti-depression techniques I'd picked up after years of trying. This ment
healing, loving, friendship and relaxation.
After a premonition dream, two of my
workmates circled around my life all of a sudden (Amanda and Stacy). They had
both very recently been split from their respective long-time partners and both
needed guidance to help them cope. Of course I gave my words of encouragment
and tried to sent them at ease with their new situations - while at the same
time making it clear of the friendship rather than possible relationship they
could have with me.
This first week tested my intentions
towards girls quite a bit. On the 3rd I found myself in Ribchester. On a
bench by the river I tried to get confortable and get back to nature a bit as
the sun was setting behind me. A then three people, two girls and a lad, came
along to set aura on guard again. One of the girls was obviously seeing the
lad, while the other girl made her intentions clear towards me. I made light
conversation but I couldn't bring myself to sit beside her and start
something off just like that - and she was too shy as well. After some time I
got up to go and we said our farewells. I knew that if this was ment to be,
then I would see her again at the same place the next day. The next day came
and I was anxious to say the least, but I returned to Ribchester to find no
sign of her. The cards also showed this situation wasn't for me so I left it
at that. I knew quite obviously that that long-distance relationship would
have never worked; and I knew I wasn't the sort of guy to fall into bed with just
anyone; this was a test. I just knew something bigger was happening around
the bend. My re-initiation to women was only just beginning....
Still my intentions were clear - I needed
to be in contact with a woman regularly to get my bearings and build my
confidence in these areas. A girl-friend would do nicely, or even the penpal
I'd heard nothing from. Of course spirit, in their indescribable wisdom, knew
the best way of providing me with just these kinds of vital living
experiences. On the Friday I again found myself talking to one of the girls
at work. Stacy commented that she was in trouble and needed a place to stay
if her boyfriend kicked her out. I said I had a bed spare if ever she needed
it, to which she replied "Well thanks for the offer, but I think I'll be
alright." The next Monday I was awakened by the phone ringing. The ring
sounded serious so I picked it up. "Hi Dan, it's Stacy. My boyfriends
thrown all my stuff into bags and changed the locks... Would it be possible
for me to sleep at your place for a few days until I can get a house sorted
out?" "Sure". Within an hours all her worldy treasures were in
my back room and she was in. At first I couldn't beleive it, but then I
realised that my house was now occupied by two people. Now it felt strange to
be in my own home. This would take some getting used to - but then again -
this was just what I needed, and Stacy was a great girl after all. At least
she had crawled out from under that Neandertal lowlife rat she almost married
- now commonly refered to simply as "Dick (head)".
Horoscope for
11th June :"Today it's friends as well as family that are putting on a
passable impression of a group of mad circus clowns. It's all highly amusing,
but their energy is starting to grate on you just a little bit. (©)
astrologyguide.com"
From then on it was the wait game. We were
both friends, I knew that, but how long would it be before one of us made a
move on the other? My emotions were mixed. Friday night we both went for a
drink in the local and sang a bit of karaoke. Stacy was a very active person;
always jumping up for a dance or a song or a drink; which was a good thing
for me as it made me less affraid to let go - but at the same time, made me
more self aware of my own frailties. The next night Stacy was away in town
with a few of her drinking friends so I took the opportunity to see Dave
about Glastonbury. The dates were only around the next corner so I had to
make a move and find out what was going on. As luck would have it, Mike came
around to check up on the last minute arrangements so I asked him what was
happening. "Well, there may be a spare Yurt for you to sleep in, you
might not even need to bring your tent!". Fantastic, that's all I needed
to know. Now I just needed to get into the place without a ticket and I'd be
home free. It all sounded organised and complete.
On Sunday I took Stacy to the cimema to see
Spiderman. I'd always had an affinity with Spiderman; an ordinary guy who
suddenly has to cope with super-natural powers. Maybe I was in the same
situation now. Certainly, the more I watched the film, the more similarities
I saw in my own life. Stacy showed signs of being cold so I put my arm around
her. This was a dream - sitting in the cinema with my arm around a girl - but
I just couldn't place my feelings. By the end of the movie all became clear,
and as usual, spirit had been showing me the same answer all along. As we
drove home I plunged deep into my heart in the hope of uncovering the thing
which bothered me so much. I began to explain how I really did enjoy Stacys
company, and how I really hoped we'd get together for something deeper, but
that now I realised that it just wouldn't be possible. "If you get into
my head I can give you unlimited help and wisdom, but my heart is reserved for
another." She understood, and told me that she felt the same way. Now I
thought I could relax have a laugh again.
Coming home to Stacy was still weird for
me. I couldn't seem to get used to it. Her new boyfriend Russell was always
on the phone and I felt more out of place than ever. Matters wern't made any
easier when I looked at the cards for answers. They said that if the
situation was allowed to go on in the same way, Stacy would still be with me
in six months time. This was a major wakeup call; not least because she was
about to be black-listed for owing money and I could see how this would put
an end to hopes of rehousing. By the following Tuesday I let slip this
information in the hope it would stir her hit-and-miss efforts to relocate. I
also hinted that my hospitality wouldn't last forever if she played me for a
fool. That did it. After a breif fall out between us Stacy contacted the
housing services the next day and went all out to find a new place. Again,
spirit had poked me in the back enough to motivate her into action at this
time. I knew why when, the next day, Stacy reported she'd found the ideal
place in a quite street in Clayton. This was just what she wanted and after a
small tour of the place she decided to snap it up. I knew that if I hadn't
pushed her she would never have been in the right place at the right time to
have this opportunity - but again - spirit did all this on my, and her,
behalf. Then another confirmation happened on the same day. I'd asked spirit
if the England football team would win the World Cup, and the answer came
"Knock out in the Third round!". That happened weeks before, but
now, as the third round match came on the TV that morning, I saw England had
indeed lost the game. Spirit were right again - in fact I'm sure my Granddad
had give me this information - he was always a big football fan. It seemed
all I had to do was keep the faith and everything would work out. This was
truer than ever as I posted off my replay to the Arthur Findley College to
confirm my dates in August with them. Dispite all the upheaval over it at
work I'd still managed to make this happen. Now all I needed to do was to
make sure Glastonbury happened - but that was turning out to be harder than
I'd expected.
Friday the 21st, after viewing Stacys new
house and loosing the world cup, I phoned around to make last minute
confirmations. Nothing came forward. I'd even managed to misplace Daves
number so I'd have to go around and see what I could sort out. The news
wasn't good. Daves bus was already full of the families things and parts of
Yurts ready for Glastonbury. Dave suggested I make my own way there and call
him on my arrival. This was going to turn into a real adventure, and I was
already looking forward to the challenge. Keep the faith! All fingers pointed
towards the fact that my faith would be really tested this week, but, as the
cards showed, keeping the faith would see me though ok. The internet gave me
all the travel plans I needed thanks to the National Express site, and my
connections between Accrington/Manchester, Manchester/Bristol,
Bristol/Glastonbury, and Glastonbury/Pilton all flowed and connected together
leaving a helpful half hour between connections. Sorted I thought, everything
is coming together.
Monday the 24th was to be the start of the
biggest adventure I'd had in my life so far. Bright and early I set off into
town to get the Manchester bus - which failed to turn up! Luckily the other
two people at the bus stop were willing to share a taxi. We made our way into
Manchester in plenty of time, and everything was still on track. Then I
realised after being dropped off that I wasn't actually in the right place to
catch the bus. The place was deserted - not even the National Express office
had any life within it. Shit! Luckily a lonely bus driver was just around the
corner and pointed me towards a map. I had no idea where I needed to go but
eventually he had the idea that my bus may be leaving from Chorlton Street.
That name seemed to ring a bell so I set off at full pace to try to get there
in time. The pack on my back was almost bending my body double by now and I
realised that I had taken too much stuff for my narrow shoulders. But hell if
I wasn't going to make it! At least I had my staff to help me on my way - or
I would never have made it this far. I arrived at the station with five
minutes to spare and got on the bus just in time. At last I could relax - and
promptly fell asleep. On the way down I found three other people on the bus
all going to Glastonbury, and with their advice we all squeezed onto a local
bus on route into Glastonbury itself. We also tracked down a local bus to
take us up to Pilton, and I even had time to buy a pentangle chain from a
shop just behind the bus stop. I could feel that the hand of spirit was on my
soulder now. By about 6pm we were off-loaded at the Festival stop and we made
our way into the site. I found myself walking with another girl (Cass) I'd
seem on the local bus who had her own ticket. This helped me past the border
patrol who seemed to think we were together. Wow, now I was on the outside of
the fence. I'd made it all the way. Another hour later and we were still on
the outside looking for a way in. Security didn't seem to know anything, and
we seemed to be going around in circles around the site, but at last we found
the pedestrian entrance and Cass made our way in. I said to the entrance
guards that 'somebody on the inside had my ticket', and called Dave on Cass'
mobile. He didn't answer, so Cass went in by herself. After another hour of walking
around asking to borrow moble phones from innocent passers by, I finally got
in touch with him. He'd be another hour. Where was I? Looking up I saw the
shap of a bus. Was I in-fact standing right in front of Daves bus? Yes, out
of all the car parks on the site I'd stumbled right into the one place where
Dave knew where to find me. Just before 9 I saw the welcoming shape of Dave
walking towards the bus. But I wasn't home yet, appearantly I needed an extra
ticket to get into the site which security gave people as they came out. Dave
had one to get back in but I didn't. "Here's your wrist band and the
ripped ticket to say you've already been into the site, but I don't know how
you're going to get the extra ticket you need to get in?", sighed Dave.
"I'll make it", I thought - my positivity wasn't going to back down
now. Dave walked before me and went though the gate. I managed to convince
the guards that I'd actually lost my re-entrance pass and that I'd been
looking for it for half an hour. The guards had luckily just changed shift,
which also made things easier because they had no idea I hadn't got a pass
from the last lot. "Ok, you can go in", said the chief.
YEASSssssss. I was in!!! Me and all my new freinds; who called themselves
'Low Impact Living'; were situated in the green fields - away from the
madness of the vast camping areas all around. I even had a 15ft. dome to
sleep in; luxuriously spacious and warm.
After that, things began to take on the
otherworldly Glastonbury feel. On day merged into another and I became
blissfully unaware of the time, the day or what I looked like; at last I
could get on with being naturally me. The first full day at the festival
(Tues) was a mixture of adventure and exterprise. I, along with a new friend
from camp - Fred - set out to hand out flyers advertising our yerts and
domes. Along the way I also asked if anybody wanted to buy Elwins finest
skumkweed which I was selling on his behalf. This made for quite an
experience as I'd never walked around fields full of people shouting
"Skumkweed" before. I made £120 for him that day.
The next day I made myself busy selling the
beer Fred had smuggled in. 48 cases of Stella beer had to be sold as soon as
possible and I was all too willing to have a go. Now I was shouting "Cold
Stella" at the top of my voice up and down the fields and trackways; yet
another relaxer/confidence booster for me. Between four of us we shifted 24
cases that day. Our camp was filling up now, as two new attendees strolled
into town. Louise was the artist who'd done all the artwork for Low Impact
Living, and Arwen (Louis' friend and long time associate to Mike) was
practicing her counselling skills in a small yurt to the side of the camp.
They both seemed friendly and I made a point of introducing myself to both to
help them feel at home. I also couldn't help noticing something special about
Arwen, but appart from her beautiful deep blue eyes I couldn't put my finger
on just what it was.
Later that night I found myself in Elwins
dome getting ready for a late night bimble. A very small dab of angel dust
and a few joints later and were away into the night. Dave was on one big
time, and was quickly drawn to the nearest (and only) source of dance music -
which happen to be a shop selling beach towels. I chilled out on the grass
beside while he treated the owner to a huge dose of intoxicating rap. A small
congregation agreed that this was the place to be, and one girl exclained
that the whole scene looked completely 'weird', and that this gathering
around a towel shop in the middle of the night could only happen at
Glastonbury. Sometime later I staggeded uncharacteristically to my feet and
met Dave as he ploughed further down the way. We stopped by the pyramid stage
to converse with an all-night security guard. My head felt dull with too many
joints, so I thought the best thing would be to pick myself up a bit with a
dab of speed. Unfortunately for me this did the opposite, and ensured a hasty
retreat back to camp. That night turned horrible from then on. Slopeing
towards the Green Fields I noticed the signs on the road had changed to take
on new meanings - like walking back alone from this
easiest-way-to-pick-up-a-girlfrind themepark was the biggest ridicule I could
have to my fragile manhood ego. 'Dan!' somebody shouted. 'Puff!' shouted
another. Everything was begining to get on top of me as I lent on a signpost.
I turned my back to the geering crowd and walked the final stretch back to
the domes; consoling myself that I was way past eligable to talk to girls anyway
in this state, so what did it matter. Trying to settle for the night was an
even harder experience. I could still hear the world geering outside but now
I had extra voices to deal with. Being a 'sensitive' I was getting quite used
to hearing strained voices, but this night they were strong and clear. Not
just one but may, and every time I complained about the situation they
shouted me down - like I was interfering with a conference of astral beings
somewhere in the ethers. I tried to ground myself; but that just brought me
back to my very unwell reality, and I was sick everytime I thought about it.
The voices laughed at me. I wanted to talk to them, to ask them questions, to
be friendly, but in this state my mind only babbled intoxicated junk and I couldn't
make sence of it. I was sick several more times and realised that I couldn't
shut the voices off! Temporary insanity gripped my soul. I could even hear
echos all round me, and somebody being sick in a tent next door - or was that
an echo of me as well. Eventually I passed out.
Thursday the 27th was another initiation
day, as I'd noticed on reflection that 27's usually are. Very shakey from the
night before I made my way around camp and slyly enquired whether anybody had
'heard' me the night before. Nobody admitted anything, so I relaxed that
small paranoid part of me before it interered too much with this day of
recovery. Arwen came accross and asked if I needed some counselling. I really
needed someone to talk to, and almost fell into her yurt with relief. Arwen
was someone I could tell anything to. So open and understanding, with a
sensitive streak underneith; which made her an ideal counsellor. I poured as
much of myself out as I could get together that morning. She seemed to be
able to construct helpful replies to my patchy sentences, which made the
whole day much easier after that. But I had to admit one thing. 'I find this
hard because I find you attractive', I explained - half expecting to hear the
usual 'counsellors can't get involved' line or the 'I understand' bullshit.
Instead a few subtile choice words seemed to leave the door slightly open.
Leaving Arwens comfort zone, I headed back to the group and enjoyed a day of
relaxing, as well as Reiki healing myself and other people who needed my healing
powers. Word had now spread of my healing abilities, and several people;
including Mike, Louise and Arwen, were all on the waiting list.
By the next day my head and heart had
cleared up one again to allow me to get out an hear some artists play. the Alabama
3 opened my Friday with their cool southern tones and gritty lyrics. I
chilled by one of the massive speaker stands and noticed a girl not really
having a good time as the rest of us were. Help was though the next gig I
noticed that her head was in head hands like she was crying. I went over to
see if I could help in some way, but as she got up to leave I failed to go
with her. Again a small wrestle with my thoughts as I tried to work out why I
hadn't got up to go with her. Was I to be driven by my destiny or was I
simply too ignorant or slow to take advantage of these things. I reiki'd a
few more people that afternoon and met up with a newly relocated (due to
somebody trashing her yurt) Arwen for more counselling. She tried in vain to
dig a little deeper into my psychy but only managed to turn up more surface
babble or signposts to deeper problems long forgotten. What did I really
want? Were my problems centered on relationships? What kind of girl did I
want? Older, younger, brighter, cooler? It seemed that this area of my life
was the most unfathomable of them all, and the black clouds that once seemed
to endless circle my mind now only lingered deep in my heart. I suppose that
a four or five year depression based on emotional and sexual repression would
leave me with this mystery as a parting gift. At least since summer last year
I was back to being me, and since november last year I was at last looking at
women with a keener eye. Only my soul knew if I was really ready to
appreciate love again - having seeming been without it for 80% of the life I
could remember at all. I'd been so used to ignoring this part of me and
figuring out everything else that this was now my final frontier, and only a
huge amount of time and love would melt those dark shadows away. I think I
managed to say that much to Arwen - and she seemed to understand. The last
part of my relaxing day was spent drawing pictures and listening to comedy
and caberet in the caberet tent. Phil Kay; a comedian I looked forward to
seeing; didn't turn up for the festival, but at least Jeff Green was there to
make us all roar with laughter. Even then things went wrong - and they did
during a few acts, and entertainment value was just great. Even party acts
I'd seem on the TV, like the surprise unbilled Spannish Jugglers, seemed to
be so more more amazing live. How great would life be if life acts made a
return and the TV was at last switched off?
"Horoscope for week beginning 22nd June: The
lesson of the story is that amidst all the fun and frivolity there are events
which have consequences and which must be treated seriously. This week the
planets are most definitely in a mood to party, and you're in a mood to join
in - but here, too, there is one moment, mid-week, when you must be aware of
what you're getting yourself into. Or have you always secretly wanted a
tattoo? (©) Cainer.com"
Saturday came and went in another flash,
and in amongst it I saw two great gigs from the Beta Band and Orbital (front
row for them both!) Which I waited for this experience in sheduled for that
evening I again put my mind into healing. Several people thought that this
would drain me, on in reality I just felt better and better after each
session. I also liked to liften to the problems which made people need
healing in the first place; my intuition sprang like a stream and my
philosphy gushed like a river. The wonderland of Glastonbury was so beautiful
- they even had a sauna; which me, Arwen and Louise took advantage of after
dinner. I was so relaxed with these people and with everybody in the camp
that I wasn't even the usual 'me' anymore. All influences from TV, the news,
politics, religion, socity, work, Accrington and personal traumas were all
but non-existant in this place - oh how I wanted this to be reality everyday
rather than every year. One thing that made the experience was Arwen. I was
becoming quite fond of her deep blue eyes by now and even the thought of her
made me glow from the inside. We talked, and we hugged, and things felt safe
and easy between us. No preconceptions, intentions, premeditations or
expectations. My heart was begining to stir again, and it felt quite
unsettling and un-usual.
Sunday was another blur, yet Glastonbury
was teaching me lots of things all the time. To begin the day I went up the
pay my respects to the Buddhafield encampmant just in the next field to us.
This after all was the place that set me us for me spiritual journey two
years agao and I hadn't looked back since. Yoga followed a short meditation
and as I opeded my eyes found I was sat next to a guy I used to know from
school. Craig was now fully wrapped in the Hare Krishna movement and loved to
talk about the philosophy of existence. I was surprised to find that his
views fitted very much into my own, even though we had journeyed along so
many different paths. I could respect him and his beleives and it gave me
hope that there was a univeral truth in the universe. Amazing that we should
bump into each other here now that we lived in completely different parts of
Britain. I wished him good luck and were parted once more. And another thing,
I was learning so much about how to heal now the spirits had set me up with
lots of people who needed it. Louise found herself needing healing to release
her dark past which still gripped her sexual needs. I vowed to I would try my
best to shit these thing as best I could, and on this day I put everything
into her in the hope of making a difference. I noticed she was twitching as I
worked around her, but I took this this as a sign of an internal shift; only
later did I realise that I had in fact overloaded her so much that she would
crave to release this tention sooner or later. I was proved right the next
day. Her problems were largely due to sexual suppression and this was exactly
the area she targeted - and the lucky co-escapee from in that jailbreak
turned out to be Elwin. Of all people, Elwin would understand. I supposed he
was much like me - a sensible old soul who knew the art of taking ones time,
and according to Louise this was right enough. But before any of this came to
pass, I charged Louise up even more with so good old-fashioned vibrational
therapy in the shape of the Black Rebel Motorcyle Club. Their album was
pretty mundane to say the least but that life set rocked the pants off everything
around - probably only Orbital came close. The bass kicked in and the tempo
rose above 100 enough to kick us into dance mode. I looked over and saw
Louise was hardly jumping like the rest of us - later I asked if this was her
kind of thing and she admitted at yes, she'd realy enjoyed it, being into
Deep Purple and Black Sabbeth in her youger, reckless days. We went back to
camp and I spent even more time with Arwen; only this time the counselling
had definitely been replaced by more intimate things.
There seemed to be lots of healing going on
at Glastonbury that week, and we were all slowly taking our share in good
stead. The day drew on and after a refreshing meal I headed off to see the
last two bands I really wanted to see, Groove Armada and Air. Groove Armada
rocked, as surprisingly did Air - even though their latest record was almost
unplayable after the luxuriously romantic first album. Just before Air
started I again turned around and started to talk to a complete stranger
about the music and the festival - something which happened so easily at
Glastonbury. This time the guy followed me after the gig to the cimema field,
where I planned to watch the Lord of the Rings until dawn. But as we walked I
noticed he was walking differently, and by the ring in his voice it hit me
that he was gay. As nieve as usual, I hadn't twigged that this guy fancied
me. We eventually found the field in the darkness and sat together though
half of the film. How did I feel now? To my relief I felt nothing towards him,
not even a flicker, which did it's bit to reassure me. Again, everything
happens for a reason! and again spirit were testing the waters to see which
way I would float. I was grateful for the opportinity, but I was looking
forward to spending another day with Arwen as events had conspired to keep
her in the camp until Tuesday morning. There may also be room for me in
Louis's car, and a lift home with them would be another wish come true...
Key issue: New Dawn
Horoscope:
"The very word "imagination" is enough to bring this force of
the mind into play. We think instantly, when we hear it, of some glorious
Walt Disney world in which anything can happen. The tallest trees, though,
don't always bear the sweetest fruit. Big ideas are all very well but the
best ideas often involve giving a small, subtle twist to some seemingly
ordinary item, arrangement or situation. Using your imagination now, you can
do something that has a quite amazing impact. You have a dream. It is not
some far-fetched vision or some hopelessly idealistic fantasy. It is a
reasonable thing to want and, one might think, a realistic one, too. Why
then, does the practice seem so different to the theory? Because, if this
were not the case, you would have nothing to struggle and strive for. Thus
you would experience no sense of triumph when you finally got what you were
after. In one way, your situation seems extremely inspiring. In another, it
looks dauntingly difficult. You have a vision. If you pursue this long
enough, there will be success. Help, if not exactly on the terms that you
would most like to be helped, is on offer. You can work with the chance you
have, but only by acting decisively to end an old habit, to drop an old
association and to instigate a policy of brave change. (©) Cainer.com"
"You have
a strong need to be true to yourself now and to express your inherent
creativity in whatever way that feels right to you. This is a positive month
when the artistic side of your nature is active and dynamic, particularly
from the 10th onwards. On the 20th the emphasis is firmly on expanding and
enhancing your present skills and experience, and so you will want to
assimilate and develop new concepts and ideas. As your scope widens, you will
be eager to try these out, but be sure to pay attention to the small details.
You may be a little impatient to see results, but with diligence and care,
the 23rd should bring changes and opportunities - so be sure you know what
you are aiming for. With your traditional ruler Jupiter in watery Cancer this
is your final month to do something you find pleasurable and fun both
creatively and amorously. (©)2002, Russellgrant.com"
The final full day at Glastonbury was a
winding down day for all of us. Dave, and the kids had loved the experience
but Lisa (is wife) secretly longed to get home and put her feet up for a bit.
Elwin was enjoying the company of Louise. Ian had also seen the nightlife and
Mike was full of more plans which he'd have for formulate within the next day
or two in time for the Green Gathering in Gloustershire the coming week. I
saw Arwen and played with the kids - the rest of the day became a haze and I
was happy to take things easy. "There's a party going on in the ballroom
tonight which might be fun, do you wanna come with us", asked Arwen
softly. I wasn't too bothered about socialising too much, but if Arwen was
going then I'd be there. Secretly in my mind I would love to spend the night
with her, although I didn't want to say anything in case I was completely
wrong about the whole thing. As things turned out (again!!) events turned in
my favour. After healing Mike for the last time, a bonfire brought us all
outside. After a brief conflab we agreed not to go to the ballroom and stay
in camp instead. Arwen and I linked arms and slowly went back to her place
for the night. My dreams were coming true. What an experience! Magical and
mystical Glastonbury aside, I'd still not dared to hope for this! I gave up
trying to rationalise how I felt - I just knew I felt safe and trusting to
the woman who I'd fancied since I first set eyes on her. We made ready for
the night and talked about 'living for the moment'. I wished I could do that.
My head was clear and my heart was a mystery, but I just couldn't believe I
was in a nice snug yurt beside a nice warm fire next to a beautiful woman - I
just couldn't take it in! We kissed and stroked each other, getting more and
more affectionate with each tender moment. Arwen too had been though dark
times. So is the bain of man it would seem. So we took our time and let
things take their course. I really wanted to be loved rather than be sexed.
After all, sex to me without love is rather meaningless and seemed completely
pointless in my situation. Sex with love is to make-love; and love is what I
needed the most. I wasn't sure what I was doing, and as the night rolled into
day, Arwen wasn't sure either, so we held each other a little more and went
to sleep. I wasn't disappointed. I was other the moon! The ultimate end to a
generally blissful Glastonbury. In the words of Arwen "God...Wow!!"
After about three hours sleep it was time
to get ready for the day. Arwen turned over to see me looking into her eyes.
With a sudden shock of realising I was there, she moved over and we embraced
once more. I didn't want to leave those loving arms but all too soon we had
to get up and pack up for home. I looked around and became aware of Mike.
After six years of marriage to Arwen, I really didn't want to put Mike in an
awkward position. Of the whole camp, I suppose Mike was the only one not
finding the love of a woman at Glastonbury, and by the way he spoke, I could
tell that under it all he was almost as warey as I was to break down the
shield he used to protect his sensitive side. Anyhow, we packed up our things
and soon we were heading off up the M5. After a rather mellow counselling and
discussion session between the three of us, I took over the wheel and drove
us all back to the familiar world of Lancashire and Accrington. I huged Arwen
warmly and we vowed to meet each other again on Friday the 5th.
The next week began the slow
winding-down-from-Glastonbury process, and somehow my head and body were
still in shock from everything I'd drifted myself into over the week before.
On the Thursday my body gave up fighting altogether and I came down with a
viral infection. This was the last think I needed as I looked forward to
Friday, but somehow I knew I'd make it ok to that destiny - all I could do
was plunge deep into my usual healing routine and hope things cleared up in
time. In the morning I was inspired enough to ring in sick and take the day
off - and this would also mean plenty of time with Arwen. Just as well
really! Arwen called around 10am to say she and Louise had broken down just
outside of Accrington. I called Dave in the hope of help, but I knew my shining
armour would need to be washed and ironed in order to save this particular
day. We met under a noisy motorway bridge next to an elderly VW polo, but
thankfully the crew were all in good spirits. Out came the tow rope, and
after the ripples of apprehension were smoothed on both sides, we agreed to
end this adventure one way or another. It worked... The rope held and the
garage doctor blew life down the cars tubes to revive it. I also took the
opportunity to pay off the garage bill I'd accumulated from the same place
only the day before - or rather, I chose to pay the £224 bill in four months
time thanks to interest free credit. Arwen and I then left Louse with Elwin
and casually slopped off to my bed for some healthy communications. Alas, my
body was concave under the pressure of the illness and I couldn't physically
arouse much stimulation, however much I wanted to. The music, the atmosphere,
the woman in my bed, just couldn't light my fire. The illness it seemed was
the coincidental connection to ensure that my time of passion would be when
the world was good and ready to let me have it. My thoughts where also
concerned with other matters; such as 'Was I doing the right thing at all?'
'What did I feel?' 'Was I fooling myself that things were under control?'
These things lodged themselves in my mind over the next few days, so spirit
helpfully drew me to a horoscope as a source of inspiration:
"Horoscope for week commencing 6th July 2002
Once, long ago, you were a different person. You were small. You went to
school. You played with your friends. You knew nothing about the big wide
world. But you were still you. How much though, of your current situation
would that old you have recognised and understood? Even to this very day,
your inner child is baffled and bemused by some of the things that are so
important in your daily life. A part of you just wants to be simple, happy,
playful. Is that really too much to ask? The sky, this week, offers you the
opportunity to put down the cares and woes that have taken up so much of your
time and energy and to pick up something wonderful. (©) Cainer.com"
On the 7th I was off to see Arwen in her
small village about an hours drive away. I really wanted to be myself now -
not hung up on the bounds of love and affection which swept my breath away at
Glastobury. To be myself as I was generally - warts and all. Somehow, that
didn't quite happen either. I arrived at Arwens - late as usual - and we
settled down for a day of experience. As the day drew on, I saw that certain
energies from Glastonbury were on their way out for both of us; no longer was
I wrapped in the mystical blanket of protection towards my feelings - now I
was very much aware of them as I tentatively opened up a window on them. For
some reason I felt like I was taking two steps forwards but also one step
backwards every time I opened my mouth that weekend. Maybe we were both
defending ourselves against the sword of changes in the hope the steely sharp
blade would not damage anything valuable by mistake. My rollercoaster libido
was noticably in a very low state and, to make matters worse, I found I was
feeling low and drained from lots of busy days and nights during and since
Glastonbury. Even the moon was in it's 'no-moon' phase that week, just to
ensure the last of my creative energies were being used up by the hour. I
tried to share this with Arwen in the hope she would immediately understand
and make allowances, but instead I felt she put it all down to my imagination
- another step backwards. While all this was going on, I found my mind was
drawn towards the outdoor life again, and making the most of my time on
Planet Earth. Lots of shake-ups were sending me into small spins as I tried
to figure out how women, love, and emotions all worked, and only Arwens occasional
emotional releases brought me back down to Earth again. Was I on the right
track? In one way I definitely was - and all this life experience was doing
wonders for my confidence. Yet the relationship front was a different matter.
We even meditated facing in opposite directions! The next day brought an
almost equal messure of pleasure and pain at times - and all the time my mind
was in torment as to what I felt and didn't feel. Almost 26 years of sexual
denial had left its big fat mark in the shape of my emotional and sexual
fridgidity - and the realisation of this alone seemed to create an extra
layer of anxiety I'd not counted on. I was not myself to say the least; but
hey! I still had a great few days, and it takes a remarkable woman to allow
for all this with patience and grace.
The rest of the week was yet another
cool-down period between revolutions. Stacy's house would be ready on the
12th so I only had a few more days of her company left. I remember thinking
it would take such a long time to get used to living with somebody else - a
tresspassor in my own castle - but in fact now I was quite used to it. Our
path hadly ever crossed anymore anyway, what with her new boyfriend and my
incessant goings on, which seemed to make the process even easier. I awoke on
the 10th to the sound of Stacy on the phone to her mother. From the
conversation I realised I was missing her birthday and so set about making
her a card. I draw a tree with 26 long branches and placed 26 pentangles at
the end of each branch. A new branch was then drawn to symbolise the begining
of her 27th year and on this I places a glowing star. Inside the card I was
moved to write:
A new star is shining in
The heavens bright,
A new year is dawning -
From darkness into light.
Your tree is growing
Strong and true,
To create the intricate design,
The complexities of you.
Spread your roots, drink it in,
Spread your branches,
And let the sun begin
To shine love within.
And to finish the card I placed inside it a
small starfish I bought with Arwen for myself on Monday afternoon. I saw that
this gift to Stacy was just the perfect thing, and I was glad I'd been drawn
to buy it - even though I had no idea it was Stacys birthday at the time. The
12th brought more surprises. We went down into Clayton that morning (late!)
to pick up Stacys house keys. Knowing Stacy enough by now, I knew she'd love
to move in ASAP, and low and behold, as soon as we got back to my place she
was on the phone organising the gas, electric, and a removals van to cart her
things down there that afternoon. A bed was the only thing she needed to move
straight in, so I offered to lend her my spare bed to set her up. She jumped
at it and that was the last time I saw her while she lived in my house. For a
day afterwards I missed having that extra energy of another person around the
place - but then I was also glad to have my place and my space back!
The middle week of July was a step in a
very confusing direction. My thoughts wandered towards Arwen ever
increasingly as I tried to work out what to do now I'd gotten somewhere with
my feelings. I didn't want to hurt her and, no matter how hard I tried to
balance everything, I still felt like I wouldn't now be able to live up to my
wild hopes of us getting together permanently. I just had too much living to
do first. As I thought about it, I knew that any ties or relationship
connections we made now would ultimately be broken - leaving yet another gap
in Arwens life caused by a man. Since a great deal of her current problems
revolved around this very issue I just couldn't bring myself to go forward in
case the same thing happened with me. In my mind I wanted to be with her, but
living so far away prevented the kind of lasting bond I really needed for
this to work. I felt like I wanted her as a companion - we could be there for
each other when times grew difficult. At last on the Thursday I managed to
speak to Arwen on the phone and tried to rationalise the scattered debris
still flying out from my hurricane mind in all directions. I didn't get very
far. If anything, my efforts to bring us comfortably together seemed to
detatch us even more; seeing as Arwens feelings were already stretched in so
many other directions. My heart sank. All I could do was to tell her I still
loved her and to leave it at that. It was hard to let go.
After that phone call, my feelings for
Arwen were left to drift. I forget how beautiful her eyes shone in the
candlelight, how soft and warm her skin, how charming and welcoming her
smile. The ties of lust had been broken between us and the bridge of romance
was burned. I looked down and saw me again. Stripped of confidence by turmoil
and torment; I was alone. Money matters came up again as my vehicle needed
fixing - the engine needed new spark-plugs; new power to ignite it's
long-travelled engine. If this was a dream (and life is a dream) then I knew
what the interpretation would be. I needed something is ignite my system
again to get my body back on the road. Finally I went into meditation and
asked. The answer can that 'I needed to be comfortable being myself before I
could be comfortable with somebody else in my life'. That sounded reasonable.
I'd been thinking about a number of ways already and couldn't seem to get the
idea of a years retreat into nature out of my mind. The Spirit Horse Camp in
Wales offered this for just over £1300 a year, including ceremony, dancing,
ritual, sweatlodges and all the things I dreamt about experiencing while I
read 'The Lighted Path'. My skin had been toughened so much that I couldn't remember
how to be me anymore. I needed to get away!; far away, from towns and work
and society. To get back to nature I thought. To see the world. But I would
have a long way to go before this came into reality - I'd have to find other
ways first. I picked up the 'Lighted Path' again. The bookmark showed I was
still only half way though it. Now I could read further with a new eye and a
new ear.
The next week Arwen called again, and my
heart lifted from mutual love. We talked about my latest Neil Young CD and my
latest crazy idea - the escape into the Spirit Horse Camp in Wales. Not only
did she know Neil Young very well, Arwen had also been to the Spirit Horse
Camp and thoroughly enjoyed it. I felt again like we'd been put together for
a reason; we still had lots of things we could help each other with. Still my
head floated among the clouds and a visit to Tuesdays meditation was just the
detoxicant I needed. After a very deep Mindfulness meditation I felt good
about myself, both physically and mentally. I also felt peaceful and relaxed
having temporarily escaped the cyclone of my life for a few precious moments.
Both these influences left me in bliss; I'd not felt this content about
myself for so many weeks - it was as if the rocks on my shoulders and in my mind
had been lifted off for a while. Ken had a few words to say about the
situation I tried to put my finger on. The problem currently brewing was 'how
do I release myself into the freedom of the world?' 'How do I wake myself up
from the daydream I live within and grasp life and love?' 'How do I find
joy?' 'What do I enjoy?' None or little in the way of answers came about, but
at least I knew a bit more about what my feelings were trying to say. I also
realised that these blocks wouldn't be instantly cured by visiting this or
that place, or a wild spirit camp in the middle of everywhere and nowhere. I
had to face up to my baggage in the here and now.
Later in the week my energies bottomed out
and I felt low again. At first I had to wonder why; this was the 24th of July
- full moon night. I would usually have so much energy what I'd be active and
restless by now. Then I remembered I'd done a growth spell the night night
before - and spells always take a certain amount of energy from the caster;
especially if you don't bother to raise extra energy for it either! And a few
other things like; lack of sleep, missing Arwen, car trouble again, and a
general feeling of 'changing', all left their ink stains on the page for
today. It was Saturday before that cleared up. By then I'd discovered
(channelled) a new trick. Personal Transformation through Knowing. This
process involved telling yourself you actually possessed whichever faculty
you were currently trying to strive for. For instance, if you were trying to
be a more patient person, you would tell yourself "I AM patient" in
a kind of 'already knowing and beleiving' way, and thinking about the patient
feelings arrising from within as you said these words (however subtle). By
doing this you could build upon your own feelings realise you had the power
all along, and transforming yourself through positive beleif/change rather
than through any kind of repression or forceful rejection. My first word was
'cool'. If I beleived that I was already cool in my own way, these feelings
came to the surface and I immediately relaxed and took a breath of relief. As
I did this during the quiet parts of the day, realised I could be cool and be
myself rather than put on an act. I'd been shown that if I practiced this for
a week as often as I could, these feelings of 'cool and calm' would work
their way into my personality, and then I could choose another word to work
with. I could release my mood if I stood back, let go, and open the way for
positive conditions to arrise. But I also noticed that I could only set this
up when my emotions were on an even keel - trying to do this while angry,
anxious or upset was repression for sure. By the end of Saturday I noticed I
was far less self-concious with my actions; rather than trying to act as if I
was cool - I already knew I was, so I didn't need to act anymore! Worrying
about how I looked to other people or how I acted in front of them just
didn't matter anymore. I'd found my genuine casual self. In a funny way, this
was much like my last revelation concerning 'giving up trying instead of
forcing things - then the force will flow much easier'. Having one less thing
to worry about made me happier as well - and at the end of the day this was
all I really wanted.
Going into the last week I still had the
feelings of change on my mind. A medium in church gave me a few helpful
pointers to keep me going, and even said that I'd find my home in a country
camp community - the thing I'd almost written off as a mindless escape route
into the unknown. Ever since the initiation process began, I'd noticed I was
now constantly busy with things day and night, with hardly any time to stop
and breath. This ment I had precious little time to really think about
things, and when I did, I simply got more confused with the invisible
feelings emerging from somewhere inside. At last on the 30th I found someone
with half an idea about this - but not before I called at the college first
and more-or-less signed myself up for a £364 counselling level 2 course. Mal
was a face I'd seen at Glastonbury who I happened to bump into one day at
Asda. She introduced me to her house-guest Howard, and we got along famously
straight away. I was never very good at the 'friends' thing - too busy in my
own dreamworld to make enough time to consider too many people at once - but
after the confidence breakthrough the week before using my PTK technique, I
found I was more relaxed than I usually was around people. Howard knew quite
a bit about the new age (and old age) ways of freeing the soul from internal
blockages, and suggested a few to me; including the way of dancing to trance
music - something he beleived in with a passion - as well as the simple
things like walking in the fresh air everyday. The air in Accrington was so
stale it choked any intention of walking in the outdoors from my soul.
Meditation was another good way, and admittedly I had secretly begun to
convert the back bedroom into a comfortable meditation room ever since
another bunch of karmic vibs brought a few of my little material wishes
freely to my door. These included: a large floor rug, a three-way electrical
plug, a bucket, a box of drawing pins, a thick blanket and even a tall waste
bin for the kitchen (which I first wished for 4 years earlier!). But I'd have
to wait and see if my motivation extended to actually starting a regular
practice of walking or meditation.
I called Arwen again that night. Newly
delivered back from the Glastonbury Big Green Gathering, Arwen seemed her
usual inquisitive self even after complaining of a cold and the general
run-down feeling I had after my antics at the Festival. By now we both felt
like we'd drifted, especially after the two anti-climax get-togethers we'd
had since Glastonbury (on the first I was ill, and on the second I was still
clearly unwell). But I still felt like I loved her; and my heart definitely
said so in a kind of warm airy way; but however much I tried to express
myself and set our minds at rest, I just couldn't seem to get the words right
- and ended up almost separating us. Inside I knew - I felt the answers. I
saw all too clearly how the situation had unfoulded. How I still loved to be
around her because I knew we would never hurt each other - we'd never get so
attached that we'd hindering each other with the burden of trying to make a
relationship work. Arwen showed me a new way to be - and shown me an
encouraging side to the world I'd never really seen in my life before. After
the gifts she gave me, I wanted to replay her by giving her all the support,
friendship and love I could - to help transend her old world as she walked
cautiously into the new. Maybe even these innocent hopes were too high. As we
spoke I discovered her love was now drifting elsewhere, and that any more
moves I made in that direction were likely to be ment with confusion at best
and rejection at worst. I put the phone down and glowed in her warmth for a
further half hour. I wished I could let Arwen see what kind of sweet love I
felt for her; someday I hoped to be able to describe myself clearly enough to
do just that...
Key issue: Creativity at
Peak
I don't know if summer had finally arrived
or whether my world had taken on a new glow, but somehow a subtle electric
energy could be felt in the air. I made myself busy by trying to finish a
project I'd been working on for about three weeks - a personal tape of music
for Arwen. I'd made a tape for her already; which she still played constantly
in the car; but I really wanted to make something even deeper, and with a
stronger message. As usual, I played around with the tracks and the order
until much of it flowed smoothly - leaving only one or two songs which, with
hindsight, I wished I'd replaced with something better. It wasn't long before
I could present this to her in person. Tuesday the 6th found me in Lancster
territory once more and I arrived at Arwens fresh and bright before dinner. I
found I wasn't alone in the house that morning - Lucy was in a low state and
needed the shoulder of support now more than ever. I knew she needed
upliftment as much as she needed the cottonwool treatment, so I tried to make
light of the situation with interesting conversation - taking her mind off
matters too deep and dark for her faint heart to withstand for too much
longer. After dinner I suggested a Reiki session may be a welcome relief, and
so we retired into Arwens bedroom for quite a delicate intensive workshop.
This was the first time I'd treated anybody with a condition I knew all too
well - depression. Maybe now was the right time for me to face this old demon
myself, after all, I, of all people, would probably be the person who could
offer the most help to Lucy right now, having seen the thunder and weathered
the rain for so very long in my own life. Again, a premonition I'd had as I
drove towards the spiritualist church on the Monday was all I really needed
to recall. 'When things go round in your mind and you find you're just going
around in circles with it all, just stop!. Thinking about these serious
things will only dwell on them and increase there power to cause you pain.
The brain cannot work out and solve feelings and emotions - only your heart
can do that. Let the thoughts drop and give your feelings room to move
instead. Let them flow without trying to hold onto them or trying to work
them out - just let go and things will begin to flow again.' Lucy's mind energy
was almost non-existent with all the hard word she'd been going though, and
the heart was also seriously lacking. All I could do was to put this energy
back together as much as I could, and reassure her with choice words of
understanding. Then I left her to rest while I went into the garden and let
my own feelings come up and flow out. I couldn't put this sudden turmoil into
words. The more I tried to think about them, the more I got nowhere, so I
gave the emotions the space they obviously needed and breathed in refreshing
lungs of country air.
That afternoon, we dropped Lucy off in town
and headed off into the local park for a strole and another one of 'our'
chats. I also took the opportinity to let Arwen read my complete collection
of songs I'd written over the years. For some reason, as Arwen read with
interest my outbursts of passion on paper, I found I was feeling quite
vunerable all of a sudden - like a secret piece of me was being unfoulded,
and layed bare to someone who mattered. I put my arm around her and hugged
her long enough to feel understood. Then our conversation turned towards our
friendship together. What did we want right now? I explained again how I
loved her with kindness and warmth, but I wanted us to remain friends. I had
many reasons for this, and she agreed this was what she wanted as well.
Arwens secret wish was to settle down and go for a long term partner. Once I
thought I could be that man. Now I saw I couldn't. Arwen had also been very
open about how a friendship with another man had recently taken a more
serious turn, and that she wanted to see where this lead. I had the most
enormous respect for her feelings, and deep down I knew that my fading into
the background and letting Arwen move along with her own life, would be the best
solution all round. I didn't feel jealousy either, which gave me the
confidence to know that my feelings were matching my thoughts. I genuinely
just wanted to see her happy.
We carried on talking as we sat at an
outdoor cafe for afternoon tea; the day still rolling rays of sunshine into
our small corner of the world. We were both enjoying ourselves - lost in deep
conversation, the time didn't exist anymore. But in the midst of it all,
Arwen reintroduced a long-time secret feeling. "I'm worried about
you", she said. I didn't find out why. Maybe she thought that I might
fall in love with her, or I might expect too much from our meetings and come
to depend on them for support. Maybe she thought our friendship would be
strained if her interests continued to flow in other directions - after all,
our 'thing' was more than just friendship. I'd thought about this too. In
fact, all my years of independence held me in good stead for this kind of
conundrum - I would be ok with whatever happened; feeling deeply that things
would turn out for the best between us. For now, I was more than happy to
enjoy each smiling glance and each hold of the hand for what they were -
mutual reassurance and understanding. Besides, my long repressed feelings of
love could not be rushed, and this slow process was just what I needed to
confidently open that tight bud. I felt we where together to bring each other
into bloom; in readiness for the good times life had in store for us both.
The sun was fading as we left the park and
headed back to her place. I'd enjoyed myself that afternoon, and felt like
we'd made a good connection, but the day was far from over yet. A number of
phone calls later and we were on our way over to see Louise and Paul (her
partner). I spent much of the next hour talking to Paul on the veranda about
all sorts of 'awareness' and 'realiy' subjects; leaving Arwen to catch up
with Louise. I still had Louise's petrol can in the back of my car from the
day I towed them both into Accrington. I also wanted to ask Louise about her
car radio, and chat about artwork, but with no time left to squander, Arwen
and I had to return home in time for yet another meeting she had lined up
that evening. It was time for me to go. Arwen tried to ask for some Reiki,
but my heart was sad to leave her, so we parted with a kiss.
I seemed to be in a working mood during the
second week of August, and I'm sure the boss was more than happy to see me
beavering away at the boring tasks nobody else would want to do. I put a
Herkimer Diamond into my crystal pouch to see what would happen. It did
something - it made me restless and full of nervous energy - so it came out
again by Sunday. At least I was in the bosses good books for a change, and I
even managed to cut my lateness down to five minutes a week rather than 15.
Another welcome return this week was the arrival of lucid dreams. I really
wanted to get back to expanding my awareness; especially working with my
dreams as a means to getting to the bottom of old problems to old to be still
kicking around inside my subconcious. For this to work I made sure I covered
all the bases. The Malakite triange, which I found always made my dreams that
bit clearer, was charged and reinstalled under the pillow for maximum effect.
I also Reiki'd my head before I fell asleep to make sure my head and crown
chakras were open and flowing well. Finally, to add power to this placebo, I
programmed myself to have clear and lucid dreams, and even told myself I
would go to specific places in my dreams in case I forgot during the night.
Of course I knew it would work - and it did. I had semi-lucid dreams most of
that week, which ment I was just about aware of what I wanted to do, but not
in total control of everything. Surprisingly, the fist night of dreaming, I
imagined I was in ASDA just couldn't resist beating the hell of out the boss.
I don't know why; we seemed to be getting on fine these days; but at least
that tention which had once separated us was now being worked off.
That week also took me another step down
the roads of uncertainly. For one thing, a girl who I'd seem working on the
lonely cigarette kiosk, came over to sit next to me at lunch. The place was
almost empty and I was just about ready to leave myself, but I just had to
stay a bit longer to see what this was all about. I say hello and waited..
Nothing. We sat together for another five minutes and I was getting very hot
and sweaty under the collar. Eventaully I get up and said a polite goodbye. I
could see she was a quiet kind of girl, with a lot of feelings currently
making her unhappy. I used to be like that - in fact I once wised I could
meet someone like that so we could have something in common. Like all of my
wishes, this one came true in time, and now I wasn't sure how to handle it
anymore. I'd changed too much. Talking of wishes, another batch of my little
material wishes came again freely to me. These included a rolling pin I
wished for while trying to make pastry the week before; a tin of paint I
wished for last year; an outside dustbin I wished for about four years
earlier; and a metal kitchen set to replace my plasic utensils. I suppose all
my girlfriend wishes had come true as well, yet everytime my wishes were
granted, I was forced to admit that the girls weren't right for me at all. I
once asked for a back-street spiritual girl, who knew her own mind, and had
the natural tallent to push the right buttons. That was Alex, who I met in
2001, which lasted only three dates. My fantasy life with Arwen had also been
wished for....
My head was spinning with all sorts of
confusion as I noticed I was facing one of my biggest tests. Now that I was
about to visit Stanstead spiritualist college, I wanted to be sure of my
state of mind and stance on spiritual philosophy. What did I really believe
in?? I found I was even questioning whether spirit existed at all. I All the
experiences I'd had could actually be explained as my own 'mind magic'
creating these things. Coupled with positivity and the will to overcome
obstacles, I found that even the amazing Glastonbury adventure could simply
be my own magic at work. I'd never seen spirit. And I'd heard voices - which
may or may not be my own subconcious voice.
Sunday the 11th brought with it a test of
this moral intergrity as I attended a formal initiation service at the
Spiritualist Church. Since a group of us had been attending for over 6
months, the committee decided to give us a proper service to signify our
commitment to the church and it's 7 principle philosophys. I didn't realise
we would be signing a book to say we agreed to be part of the church and
forsake all other religions. This was a major thing for me. I didn't see
myself tied to any church or philosophy, I was just happy to attend and reap
the benefits of the messages and the atmosphere. I decided to cope with this
in my now usual 'this is only significant if I place significance upon it'
and 'we create out own reality' way. Looking at the 7 principles individually
I found that I agreed unreservidly with about half of them; could interpret
several more in my own way; and totally disagreed with at least one. In this
way I could get my mind straight about where I stood - rather than feeling I
was now supposed to accept the new law without question. Signing my name to
signify a commitment was now far less of a problem, as I now found I wasn't
commited to anything if I truly didn't beleive I wasn't.
Monday found me back into Blackburn for the
Awareness circle. I hadn't been in Awareness class for quite a few weeks with
one thing or another, so this night was quite an unusual re-experience. As we
sad down I could feel the energies in the circle were making me
uncomfortable. I tried to block myself from the auras of the others as they came
together, but I could still feel the energy making me feel strange. This
lasted until I got up to talk about intuition, when I burned all this excess
off as I connected with the flow. I was also nervous to stand up in the first
place, even though I knew these familiar faces as friends by now, but after
my message I felt quite ready to stand up and do it again. All I needed was
the confidence to be me - why was this so damn hard!?
Unfortunately, Monday also brought with it
something else I'd not counted on. I found I was falling in love with Arwen.
Looking back at the tape I'd made her, it seemed like I'd made it all wrong.
The first side seemed to dwell on the negative, while the B side seemed to be
a love serenade. This was not what I wanted her to think at all - or was it?
It seemed like my mind was split; my concious thinking self spoke one thing,
yet my heart seemed to be showing something else. These new feelings of love
where growing too much - I had to hold them back now, before I got hurt, and
to save things getting seriously complicated between us. Our friendship had
reached a crytical point, and this sudden desire would have to be seen for
what it was. If I mentioned any of this to her, I was sure she'd think I had
a problem, and call an end to everything. I had to wonder if friendship to a
woman was always this complex. On Tuesday, I woke from another lucid dream
(this time I was dancing around in the family home I used to hate so much,
extinguishing candles which still burned in the living room), and still
thinking about Arwen I put on music from a compilation named 'Unbeleivable'.
Things stated to make sense again, and the trials of life I'd put so much
energy into thinking about seemed to melt. The final realisation came with
John Lennons lyrics to Strawberry Fields Forever.
'Living is easy with with eyes closed -
misunderstanding all you see...
...strawberry fields, nothing is real, and nothing to get hung (up) about.' I
was getting back to my old self again. Wishing Arwen well, and hoping I'd not
caused too much confusion with my tape, I hoped this weakness; caused largely
by this newly discovered emotion - love - would be understood in time. I
wasn't upset with myself. On the contrary, I was discovering that these
mysterious tangles of life were the spice which makes the world so
interesting. Stepping away from my many thoughts and the decisions all
around, I tried to get back to myself over the next few days. One of my
insights at this time was the fact that sufficient breathing gives power and
energy to the body. As does eating enough food, drinking enough fresh water
and taking in enough sunlight - all of which are quite objious - all of which
I wasn't getting enough of - and all of which I'd need to make use of if I
were ever to make full use of my chakras and intuitive/psychic system. I
remembered Howard had said that breathing was a good start, so on the
Wednesday I tried breaking deeply all day. My mind was dreaming all over the
place, and I hoped this would blow out the mist and the cobwebs a bit. It
didn't, but then I had so many things to think about. I still hadn't put my
application into college for the counselling level 2 course (which I was
still £200 short of). I still hadn't sorted out my trip to Stanstead College
(or decided whether spirit existed or not!), friendships and situations were
also being compromised, but most of all, above all these life and soul
changing exasperations, my mind was still thinking about Arwen.
I had the chance to speak to her on
Thursday (15th) after work. At first we were both tired and weary from the
day, but then as we spoke, our spriits seemed to rise and grow strong again.
I read through my latest poetry, entitled The Guru, and we both enjoyed the
light-hearted atmosphere. As far as I could see, I had two clear choices.
First of all, I could let our friendship develop and hope that I didn't
accidentaly fall head-over-heels for her (causing torn loyalties and
confused/stretched love). Or else I could explain these new feelings; that I
didn't want to cause pain for either of us; and that it would be better if we
didn't see each other again. I didn't like the second option. Both of these
had there plus points, and both had there sheer negatives. Arwen spoke on the
phone about coming down to see me again on the following Monday - to which I
agreed and offered to give her a lift. I'd see how we both felt during Monday
before making any life-changing decisions. How did all this drama fit into my
monthly horoscope - this would be the best time to find out...
Horoscope for
August: "How good at juggling are you? Don't bother answering that. Your
balancing skills may be legendary but even they won't allow you this month,
to handle five batons, four balls, three oranges and two flaming torches at
the same time. Rather than attempt the impossible and cause the whole lot to
come tumbling to the ground, make a sensible selection. Ha! Easy advice to
give. But you can't decide what to drop, can you? Like it or not, you must
make a choice. Once you do, everything will become light and easy. Just
remember that, exasperating though certain aspects of your situation may now
be, things could be worse. You could be dealing with something totally
hopeless. And that's not the case. There are solutions to all of the problems
you face. It's just that these are not the solutions you want to hear about.
You've got a fixed idea about what will work and what won't. The irony is, a
notion that you feel prone to reject not only WILL work, it will work well
and easily. Reconsider something you have dismissed too hastily. (©)
Cainer.com"
"Pay
particular attention to health issues, perhaps initiating a new fitness
program or dietary system, for example. You will also be concerned with
executing your duties and obligations in the most efficient way possible.
Jupiter, your ruler, moves into the energetic sign of Leo on the 1st, and
from this point on, will create an enthusiasm to make progressive changes
that will better your daily life for the next year. The 8th and 24th
[spiritualist college starts] are potentially positive days, particularly if
they are spent with familiar faces.. This also holds true for the 29th, when
you sense you are moving forward with optimism and understanding of your
escorts. [?] (©)2002, Russellgrant.com"
All these problems kept a lid on my
enthusiasm for the rest of the week, but still I needed to know certain
things - particularly about spiritualism. Ever since I'd signed the paper in
the Spiritualist Church the previous Sunday, I'd been wondering ever more about
my understanding of the universe. I tried to shake my beleif system down to
the ground to try to find a firm base level I could build on. This was never
less important as right now - now I was about to go down to Stanstead to ply
and develop my natural insights and gifts. Proof of spirit was hard to come
by. I wanted to have my cake and eat it, before I'd even bought it and taken
it from the shop window! It looked delicious; but I had this terrible feeling
that once I'd taken the first bite, I'd find it so hipocritical not to
continue until I'd eaten the whole thing. This was mind-altering material. I
knew that if I did beleive, things would be made a hell of a lot easier - but
then that was a leap of faith. Saturday night brought a injection of magic into
the mixture. The ganja came out as I tried to find some answers. In fact I
made sure I took plenty so that some answers would flow quiet easily. My mind
drifted off into the ethers and somehow I tuned into the TV in a different
way. The experience was very much like the one I'd had at Glastonbury - only
far less frightening or paranoic. Everything I thought became audible in
words. Voices came though clear as day urging me to beleive in spirit. I said
I needed proof. The sounds were encouraging me go for it. I thought about it
(with engine reving noises and cheers in the background), but I couldn't - I
just couldn't beleive that this was happening to me. If I changed my views
now, I'd be a different person. I stopped thinking and the voices stopped.
Everything was quiet even though the TV was on. But as soon as I had a
thought, sounds came though again like my mind was connected to the TV
speakers. I told them that I wanted to return to the Earth again and carry on
with life as usual for a while longer. The high feeling stopped, and the
voices slowed down as I came down into the world. My chance had passed. Was
this all in my mind or was something really trying to get through? This would
only make sence if... A. My mind was playing tricks on reality though personal
brain-washing and mind magik, or.. B. These things really did exist. The only
thing I could do was to choose the middle way again, and wait and see if
something even more concrete would appear to help me decide - some minor
miracle. After all, if spirit did exist, then surely they could make
something instantly appear or disappear; or give me irrifutable evidence that
couldn't just be put down to karma, coincidence, drugs, personal
(mis)interpretation, or 'mind magik'.
Stanstead was now only a week away, and
Arwen would be visiting in just two days. All these questions and more were
going to be sorted in the next two weeks - one way or another. I could see
I'd reached an important crossroads. This months horoscope seemed to be true
to it's word, so I decided to check on this weeks and hopefully add lucidity
to my world...
Horoscope for
week commencing Saturday, 17th August 2002: "This week's full Moon,
suggests that you may indeed now be growing dreamy. You are starting to see,
to understand, to appreciate something. You are not yet fully sure what this
means. But your heart is speaking to you and it knows precisely what it
needs. Listen carefully this week and you may become delightfully enlightened
- your inner voice is speaking to you. There is a pot of gold at the end of
your particular rainbow and somehow soon you will find it. You won't, of
course, get everything right this weekend. That's expecting just a little too
much. You will do pretty well though. You will make good progress. And you
will be aided and abetted by some enthusiastic assistance. You currently have
some good ideas, strong visions, wise insights. You also have now an
exceptionally good chance to employ your creativity profitably. Next week
brings the possibility of a minor miracle. (©) Cainer.com"
These words seemed to fit right into my
progress - and immonent re-encounter - with Arwen. What was my heart saying?
Well my heart was well on it's way to saying that the best thing for me to do
would be to call an end to our meetings; and possibly our friendship; for all
the best reasons. Everything, including my dreams, seemed to have been
pointing to it for some time. I didn't like the thought of it one bit, and
yet I just knew I'd have to seriously think about it again so save people
getting hurt. I didn't know what to expect as Monday the 19th arrived. Arwen
arrived around noon and was in a very enthusiastic mood to say the least - I
could tell she was looking to enjoy this time in Accrington. Because we both
had the same friends in town, I contacted the 'gang' and made sure people
knew Arwen was around for the next couple of days. Elwin called back a short
time later and invited us both over for an evening get-together. In the
meantime Arwen had a smoke of the old green, and we casually took our time
wandering around in town. Something I also needed to do was to get an
application form into the college and get the enrolment ball rolling. I felt
I really needed to do this today as there was a discount for early enrolment
(I'd be in Stanstead next week anyway - and then it would be took late). This
was my first solid move I'd made to resolve just one of my problems.
For some reason I just wasn't myself again
that day. The day before I'd been wondering how I could ever deal with the
thought of breaking up our friendship. Today I was more concerned about
protecting my heart and my feelings for fear they would give way, and be
badly damaged again from lost love. I tried to introduce the things I wanted
to say quite early in the day, but somehow I didn't make the point. So all
that day I waited for another opportunity where I could try again - and got
colder and more frustrated as a result. We ment Elwin in town around half
five, and spent the rest of the evening with him, his sister and Mike. I felt
miserable by now, and as Mike left to go his way home, I also made my excuses
and we headed back ourselves. I was so glad to be one-to-one again. Almost
the first thing I did was to sit down and get the whole lot slowly off my
chest. I felt sick to the stomach, and my heart and eyes were heavy. I
explained how I'd fallen in love with her, and thankfully, Arwen seemed to
really understand what I was going through. "I don't want us to end our
friendship over this", I said, "No, I don't want that to happen
either", she said kindly. All of a sudden the problem was over. The
weight slowly lifted from my mind - leaving my body in a state of vunerable
half shock/half relief. We held each other. Only after maybe another half an
hour was I able to get up and make ready for bed, and build a temporary bed
for Arwen in the back room.
I still felt insecure the next day. Arwen
was in a more solid mood and I was actually trying to be quite cheerful. In
the morning I awoke after the most upsetting chain of lucid dreams. Like a
version of 'Groundhog Day', I drempt I was re-living the same morning over
and over again - and each time Arwen took on different characters. I was so
relieved to actually be in the real world again that I went straight into
Arwens room and held her tightly. Later we both headed up the 'coppice' hill
which overlooks the town. Arwen picked brancked and heather to brighen up my
dull back windows, but I felt like she wasn't herself somehow. We sat to take
in the view for a while, and she asked me if I'd like to come back with her
and spend some time up at her place. I knew I would be working the next day,
at 2pm, but I was ready for a bit of adventure again, and after some thought
I agreed. The journey took just over and hour, and Arwen had to dash off to
see a conselling client almost straight away. This left me with time to rest
and play in her beautifully rustic country home and garden - just what I
needed. That night, we went into Arwens rebuilt 'squit' tent and relaxed by
the fire. I needed to spend the night in there to re-ajust myself and my
feelings, and Arwen was more than happy to give me this opportunity.
Wednesday the 21st was a long day. I got up
around ten a.m after a very welcome cup of Arwens hot mint and yarrow tea.
The sun was getting quite hot, and Arwen suggested we spend a few hours in
the lovely local village of Clapham. I was now almost back to my usual self,
yet my ironic sense of humour failed to stir quite the same laughs as I
usually enjoyed from Arwen. I felt on edge all-of-a-sudden as we bought
drinks in a local cafe. The atmosphere changed and I found myself checking
what I said in case I said something which could be taken badly. However, the
damage had already been done. One comment too many sent Arwen into turmoil and
we had our first row. Why did this have to happen now? The last thing I
wanted to do was to upset Arwen. Luckily things were soon resolved, and even
though my feelings took a sharp jar which put me off my breakfast, I actually
felt better after we made up again. I realised I still loved her. I told her
and she smiled back at me as if to say 'yes I know, and I love you in my own
way too'. This was all I needed to know before we parted and I returned to
work. With a kiss goodbye she was gone - and my mood took on the highs and
lows of a rollercoaster the rest of the day and the rest of the week.
The college enrolment forms were at last
filled in after a deep breath, and on the Thursday before Stanstead I payed
my money and made my choice. The course would start on the 23rd of September
and would last until after April the next year. I'd have to give up my Monday
night awareness classes - but then again I noticed two things. Firstly, just
as I went to Buddhism September 2000 - Sept 2001, now it seemed I'd gone to
the Awareness class Sept 2001 to Sept 2002 - damn funny how things work out!!
Secondly, I saw that I'd return to the class stronger and more determined
after an absence like that - or maybe life had other plans...
As Stanstead approached steadily from the
mist, my mind settled down and made ready for a well deserved break. Certain
intuitive senses began to sharpen and I received very good evidence and
messages during my meditations - several of which made their way into a new
poem entitled 'The Guru', which came in handy over the next weeks. I called
Arwen before the off, and we enjoyed an uplifting chat together. I promised
to call her when I got back and share all the gossip. The Friday saw the
departure of two work friends, and I saw again that this time was a real
period of changes.
Horoscope:""God,"
said Einstein, "does not play dice with the universe." So if God
does not play dice with the universe, then presumably, we humans (who are
also a part of that universe) need have no fear of random events. There must
be a reason for everything. This weekend, you will start to see why a certain
event had to happen as it did. Next week will bring further revelations. (©)
Cainer.com"
But in no time at all, Saturday the 24th
stired me into action for yet another adventure. The Manchester bus actually
arrived this time, and only slightly late, which gave me plenty of time in
Manchester to find my way to the coach station. The journey would take most
of the day, and I changed coaches in Milton Kenes just after 3 o'clock.
Joining me on this section of the trip was a man named Joe who, out of all
the people on the bus, just happened to be going to Stanstead for the same
week. He told me he enjoyed healing, and looked forward to developing these
skills at the college. I didn't know what to really expect, except that I
would like to join a philosophy group if ever there was one. At around 5, the
coach pulled into Stanstead airport station and we made our way over to the
nearby college via taxi (which, incidentally, was so expensive I expected to
see a skull and crossed bones painted on the side!). Smaller than I had
imagined, the college was on old building (georgian at least) built with
solid Accrington Nori brick, and in its own beautiful and tranquil grounds -
complete with giant Canadian redwoods and a peaceful lake. I found my room
was 201 - a single room with a balcony overlooking the gardens. A door to
this balcony would have been nice, but I didn't mind crawling out of the
window! After a full dinner, in which I stuffed my belly fuller than my belt
could ever hope to cope with, we all went into the lecture room for a
'getting to know you' session. Although the average age of the attendees
seemed to be around 60, I didn't feel at all out-of-place and found one or two
people my own age. I stood up confidently to introduce myself to the masses.
Of cource, I mentioned Accrington Stanley football club; always a good
ice-breaker; and Waddingtons playing cards and games also got a mention
thanks to Eric Hatton; the main compaire (and main influence of the week to
come). But I couldn't wait to get to bed, and soon retired from view for
another day.
Sunday was the real start of my holiday. I
stuck to my usual routine of getting up late, and took my time getting to the
first proper lecture of the week at 11:30. Bobby and Laurence Kovacs took
over the next hour and a half as they tried to convince a few people to try
their colour and awareness group. A few people were interested, but of all
the courses on offer; including Mediumship, Trance, Healing, Awareness, and
Philosophy; I still felt drawn to the philosophy group. I wondered whether I
should have tried to bring up a skill I wasn't very good at, but in the end I
felt like I wanted to relax with a topic I was already comfortable with. The
afternoon was very warm and sunny. Joe and I took a tour of the grounds and
the building to try and get a few bearings. On the way through we bumped into
Bobby, and I took the opportunity to tell her all about my recent thoughts
about whether spirit existed or not. She was sympatheric but still couldn't
make these complications any clearer. In the end I was left with the familiar
'wait and see' feeling I'd gotten used to. In the evening there was a public
service, so we all piled into the Sanctuary. This service was unusual in that
we sang hyms I'd never seen before, the healing prayer was longer, and we all
held hands for the last vesper. But my mind had definitely felt the
atmosphere of the place, and castually wandered off all over the place. I
couldn't seem to hold my attention on anything. But from then on I was
hooked; reeled into the warmth, love and healing of that magical place.
Everybody seemed to be on my wavelength - and as the atmosphere grew, I felt
time seemed to slow down and flow gently and calmly around me.
Group work began the next day, and by now I
was really getting into the right frame of mind to make the most of it. Among
the people in the place, I found I was actually sitting next to a woman
formerly from Clayton-le-Moors (my old home town), who actually knew my
mother. Quite a coincidence. I'd also been drawn to several other people, one
of which I thought I'd seen before in some long forgotten daydream. This was
Christine; a woman who looked in her late 30's and came from Gateshead near
Newcastle. Yet again it seemed I'd been drawn to an older woman; one with
blue eyes and gorgeous brown hair - definitely the most attractive woman in
the place. I thought that now my heart wasn't so tied in thoughts for Arwen,
maybe I could stretch out my feelings towards women again. But as I said to a
few lads in the bar one very late night 'If things go further; then that's
great. If not, then that's fine as well. But at the end of the day, she's an
attractive woman, and I fancy her'. Chistine had even settled on a table next
to mine in the dinner hall, just enough to admire her feminine touch from
affar. Was my heart acking for another, or was it simply dividing my love
equaly and infinitely? How strange the world turns.
After lunch I found myself in the grounds
reading about life from the Anam Cara book I'd taken along. The small section
I read spoke of how the world now looks so mundane to most people because
they can't see the wonder of creation and nature anymore. They are so used to
what they see that the world looks plain... It went on to say that, to
rediscover this side of the world, all one had to do was to see life like a
child (or an alien), seeing this planet for the very first time with
inquisitiveness and awe. These words were just what I needed at that time,
and as I put this tecnique into practice, I saw the beauty of smell, touch,
taste, sound and the real sight of colour, texture and shape. My bare-footed
pace became slow, like a meditation, and I found myself crawling in the
undergrowth feeling new textures and seeing colours of nature I'd been to
busy to see before - almost like an acid trip.
The next few days melted into each other as
I moved though life with the ease of my own pace. No longer held down by the
chains of jobs which needed to be done on time - now I could take my own jobs
in my own time. I came in contact with lots of new friends, stayed up late
and chatted in the bar, enjoyed healing in the many healing sessions, took in
the fresh air and atmosphere and generally chilled out my bones until my
confidence was rideing high. Each lecture was interesting and inspiring, and
they even had a discussion on the 'case for and against spiritualism', which
gave me a few new ideas on this problem. The food was so tasty that I stuffed
myself full every day, and enjoyed walking around the grounds and the gift
shop to burn it off. I also chatted to Christine quite a bit, but somewhere I
felt like her mind was occupied with many other things. As we walked around
the lake together that evening (with Tony - who liked to contradict
everything I said just for the hell of it), I was still enjoying myself in
her company. Yet, there were no signs that she wanted to go deeper with our
friendship, and so I backed away to save my own feelings yet again. Besides,
these feelings were still tender from Arwen, and I certainly didn't want to
swing from pillar to post just because my mind was open to it once again.
The organisers arranged a 'student' caberet
for Thursday night, and for a change I was more than keen to join in and show
my own tallent as a philosopher. I tried for three days to remember the lines
of 'The Guru', and I finally came up with a version which actually sounded
better than the original. This was firmly in my hand as I stood on stage in
front of 80 spiritualists. To my surprise I found I was hardly nervous at all
once I got started, and even made a few people laugh with anecdotes on life.
I lost count of the number of people who came up to me afterwards and showed their
interest and appreciation for my words. My modest self had no problem passing
all this off, but I did end up with lots of e-mail addresses from people who
wanted a copy of 'The Guru'. The feelings in the bar were strong that night
as people made the most of their penultimate night of luxury. I sat outside
with Christine and Karen (another new friend from the North of England),
drinking cider and chatting away. That was until Eric came outside and asked
us if we'd like to join him around the old tulip tree for a celebration of
spirit and nature. We all said 'yes' and thought it was a wonderful idea -
and even though he tried to change his mind, the energy of this dream
eventually made it happen. There was great energy around the tree that night.
We all held hands and gently swayed and sang hymns of healing and
appreciation. I felt the love in my heart, and was almost in tears as we
embraced each other at the end.
The last day was, by contract, a very
unhappy day for me and most of the rest of us. The feelings of security were
now breaking down as we prepared to separate and go back to our own worlds
again. Christine invited me to the lake to pick blackberries, but
unfortunately that plan never came together. Our friendship had grown, and we
both felt more confident with each other, but I really wanted to speak to her
properly about my feelings, and I still couldn't find the right moment to
talk about it. But something wasn't quite right. I felt like I'd never see
this woman again, and that I'd just tied my heart in a knot - causing myself
more growing pains. I wasn't hungry that dinner time - my stomach felt like a
washing machine - and I soon found myself trying to come to terms with these
feelings under the welcome shade of a distant tree. I hadn't fallen in love,
but maybe I'd fallen in lust, and little could be done about it now except to
accept it and move on. I wept and held my head to let the feelings come up
and out. I hadn't cried like that in years, and was quite unprepared for the
fragility of my body as I walked into the lecture room for the last time. The
sing-song on offer eventually crept into my psyche and cheered me up enough
to join in - however much I didn't feel like it. In the bar afterwards, I
bought Christine a drink and we sat outside to have a proper chat at last. No
more trivial talk - I came out with how I felt, and to my complete surprise
Christine said she hadn't been aware of my attractions until now. Life at
home had turned her mind into a merry-go-round, and she had been so distracted
by this that my smiles and comments had made little impression. Something
hadn't clicked between us - less than between myself and Arwen - and I
consoled myself that this wasn't ment to be more than just a friendship. A
part of me was glad in a way. We parted on a positive note and promised to
keep in touch.
I had to force myself out of bed the next
day as I knew that breakfast would be the last chance I'd have to eat.
Saturday the 31st would be another full day of traveling, and I hoped this
would give me time to unwind and reflect. The airport was about an hours walk
away so I set off in plenty of time. This was the hottest day so far, and the
countryside smelt wonderfully scented and fresh - if only I had that kind of
country walking in Accrington. On my way around I passed a band of people all
protesting against a new Stanstead runway. I felt great sympathy for their
cause and hoped that this protest would prove fruitful. I turned the corner
and walked alongside and existing runway - in awe of the roar of the engines
as each plane jetted off. There wasn't much time left by now, but 'luckily'
the driver of a car took pitty on me and decided to offer me a lift up to the
terminal. This saved me a good ten minutes, and gave me the chance to solve
my subconcious wish to get some fluids into my system before traveling back.
I bought a bottle of water and walked up to the bus stop just as my bus
rolled in. I looked up to see Karen standing there by the stop - so just as I
had Joe to talk to on the way there, I had Karen to talk to on the way back.
If that driver hadn't helped me, I wouldn't have had the time to buy the
water or get to the stop in time to catch Karen before she sat next to
someone else. I felt like even though I was still looking for evidence of
spirit, things like this were happening all the time... The sun was almost
set by the time I got into Manchester at 7:55pm. I knew the bus to Accrington
was leaving from the other side of town at 8:00 so I decided to run across
town to try to catch it. Luckily again, another person on that bus had the
same idea, and although I hadn't spoken to him, I ran behind just 'knowing'
we were on the same journey. Unfortunately, I arrived at the bus stop at 8:05
- thoroughly exhausted - and had missed it, but I caught up with this friend
again and caught the train with him instead. Coincidence? At last I arrived
in Accrington just after midnight and only ate half a meal before going to
bed. At the end of the week, words still failed to describe the Stanstead
experience. Was it all for a reason? - well I could certainly think of a
few...
Key issue: Transaction
The week following Stanstead was rather a
quiet affair. The TV only saw me twice during the whole week - and one of
those was at a freinds house. The day after I got back I was ready for a nice
slow day - no such luck! Simon was soon on the other end of the phone with news
of a bombshell which had gone off under his slender arse. Appearently he had
decided to move out of his parental home after 26 and a half years. An
amazingly artful feat, especially for a man who prides every penny of his 15k
per year salery to the point of obstinate miserliness beyond measure. What
had finally pushed this man over the edge was anyones guess. Maybe it was the
fact that a friend had offered him the chance to live in a posh sixty grands
worth of accomodation, situated next to all the amenities known to mankind,
by a canal and a park, a stones throw from Preston city center, almost rent
free, and for as long as he liked. Or maybe his parents had finally kicked
his hide though the door. Whichever, I was on hand to help Simon move all his
worldly goods over to a place destined to open the door to the rest of his
life. It only took a few minutes to put a bedrooms-worth of stuff into an
empty house, but Simon was on a high, and stayed hovering around on cloud 9
until I left for home around 11:30pm. I would be glad to get home, but again
this vain hope seemed too come to nothing as I turned this was and that
trying to get out of Preston. Finally I followed a road I thought lead East
towards home only to find I'd gone way to the North - in fact only a short
distance from Lancaster and Arwens place. If the time wasn't already gone
midnight I'd have gone up there and played my calling card. But that wouldn't
happen for quite a while yet.
All I wanted to do was to relax and take
things easy. I knew that college would take a lot out of me one way or
another, and that my busy schedule would only get businer as time went on.
Asda was becoming a real chore. My counselling and advice skills were always
on call. How long would it be before I'd do this for a career? This was the
masterplan after all, and my horosope seemed to highlight college as the
means to an end:
Horoscope for
week beginning 1st September: "Are you ready to take a brave step into
the great unknown? Are you prepared for a big adventure, a dramatic journey,
an exciting ride into fresh territory? It won't be long before all this and
more begins to become possible. Even if physically you go nowhere special,
you will soon start to feel like a very different person, living in a very
different world. The brain is a muscle like any other. With exercise, it
becomes stronger. If it is not stretched it becomes weak and unreliable. Be
grateful then, for the challenge that you face. You now have a fine chance to
raise your IQ to stratospheric levels. Of course you are finding it hard to
know how to solve a pressing problem but that doesn't matter. You are making
an effort and an effort is all that you need to make. As long as you continue
to seek answers you will find them and they will turn out to be surprisingly
reliable.You are not sure whether to greet your challenge with enthusiasm or
trepidation. Be positive, because although your situation is demanding, it
also has the potential to bring you a most wonderful reward. Next week,
Jupiter and Neptune complete an important angle that forms only once in a
decade. It spells the start of an exciting new era - one which will last for
many years. The journey towards this very different kind of a future, begins
right here, right now." (©) Cainer.com
Christine also dropped me a few e-mails to
tell me things weren't going great at her end all-of-a-sudden. She'd split up
from a long time boyfriend and felt terrible. I tried to offer a few words of
sympathy and she replied with appreciation. She really missed Stanstead very
much - as did I. As luck(!) would have it, the one person with a digital
camera at Stanstead; who took a group photo of us all; was one of the three
e-mail addresses I'd managed to bring back with me. Sure enough, I dropped
him a copy of 'The Guru' and in return he sent over two group pictures from
Stanstead. I knew these would be just the thing to cheer Christine up, so I
sent them off straight away (along with a dose of Reiki healing).
Surprisingly, I found I wasn't sure if Christine knew we were just friends
now, or whether she thought there was something deeper going on. I'd made it
fairly obvious in my messages - but Christine was renounded for her ability
to blindly overlook the plainly obvious! I kind of loved her, but I knew a
long distance relationship was out of the question. I'd just have to play the
old wait-and-see game I knew so well - and see if anything came up in the
future.
The second week of September started quite
unusually slowly, and then started to build up speed to breakneck pace as the
week went on. Sunday (8th) amounted to absolutely nothing as I sat on the
computer most of the day, and only broke off to tell the Spiritualist church
all about my Stanstead adventures. The next day I returned to the church
(inexcusably late) for the last Awareness Class I would attend until well
into next year, thanks to college. The place was packed - more packed than
I'd probably ever seen it - and the familiar faces were all there. There was
no philosophy class for a change, and instead we were placed in twos for some
one-to-one mediumship work. This blade was rather blunt, and I was surprised
to get anything. But then as the night went on I did get a few things; first
a house, then an apple tree, an old man, tomatoes, a river and a drawer with
a gold watch inside. As I interpreted these signs I could hear my partner
saying 'yes' and 'I can take that' with big smiles - which made me smile and
feel quite funny. I was receiving images from spirit again in the form of
pictures, and try as I might I couldn't rationalise how this could be coming
from any other source - even subconcious thought. This was the second
spirit-lifting experience I'd had that week, (the first was by feeling auras)
and my strength to 'beleive' was growing.
Stacy called around to see me on Tuesday
(10th) in the middle of me trying to fix the cars altinator belt. She was
still on a knife edge - craving support from anybody who would lend an ear as
things went right and went wrong again. I could only listen as she told me about
her hopes for the latest relationship - and hope that things would eventually
become more stable around quite an unsettled person. Before she went, Stacy
also took the time to read my songbook which I origionally printed specially
for Arwens eyes. Looking back over my early works later on, I discovered that
they were darker and powerful than I remembered. In fact Stacy didn't say a
single word while reading though the collection of 10 sheets - obviously
taken aback by the sentiment of the first poem entitled 'Depression - the
early years'. I dropped her off in Clayton and headed just down the road to
my mothers house. As I arrived, the door opened and my mother appeared
explaining that she was just about to leave and go out for the evening (to a
spiritualist church no less!). This was the first time she had had that
excuse in years - so I was glad she was at last getting herself out and
about. I noticed too that the feeling inside the house was becoming more airy
and friendly all the time. Once I would hate to visit because I knew all too
well that mum would sunconciously drain my energies to suppliment her own -
real vampirism. But now things were on the move again, and just a little
healing, sunlight, and fresh air were doing the trick to give mums desperite
body the vital energy it needed. I acually told her of this disease in the
hope that her subcouncious brain would respond and stop doing it - but it
didn't - I could still feel myself slowly draining. To make matters worse she
told her freinds, and they didn't beleive her and called me a lier. I knew
they would never be as sensitive as I obviously was to energies and auras,
how could they possibly know? I tried.. I foolishly tried.
My time this week was taken up trying to
get music and videos to people who'd ordered them. These were copies, sold
under the counter by a friend I used to go to school, and college, and Asda,
with. I needed the money as next month I'd be scaping the barrel - what with
college fees and car repaires due, and I thought selling these for 50p profit
per item would help. Unfortunatelly, I didn't get many orders at all, and the
ones I did get took so long to get ready I had to drive up pick them up on my
lunch break and every night after work. It would take five days to get
everything sorted - and I was relieved to see this project closed.
Sunday (15th) was a slow day as I relaxed
from the week before. One thing I seemed to need was to get more in touch
with my feelings. This process had been taking it's own time and I was happy
with the results so far. I'd cried twice at Stanstead - both of which took
long sustained efforts even though sometimes I really needed to. But then
again, I used to be so cold and unemotional... I considered starting a
regular one-day-a-week ritual of crying - just to get things out of my system
and to become more sensitive to my feelings again. In the meantime, I went
back onto the computer and hammered out a song I thought about on the bus on
way back from Stanstead. A song about loosing loved ones and missing them
around. As I completed the last two lines of the song I quite unintensionally
broke out in tears - sobbing for about ten minutes. Something had struck a
note inside me, and as it played, it released all the pain I once felt for a
love lost. Where this had come from I didn't know. But at least it was out
now. I remained in an emotional mood all day after that. I took the time to
reply to Christines latest e-mail and found I wanted to include the song in
the hope it would help release some of the pain she was feeling. This would
be the best time to try it, I thought, like cleaning and redressing a wound
to help it heal. Even the speaker at church spoke of loss and the emotions of
loneliness. I was moved by the whole thing.
The next day I made myself busy cleaning
and cooking my time away. The unbelievably huge pile of papers next to my
computer desk had its yearly sort-out, and I attended the church for my last
Open Circle. This time I decided not to get up, although with hinde-sight I
was actually give a good reason to do so when I asked for inspiration. They
said 'Inspiration comes when you least expect it' - something I'd talked to
Arwen about only the week before. The reason for all this activity was
because I knew I wouldn't get a thing done the next day. And that was because
Arwen once gave me an idea. This idea had turned into an invention, and this
invention was ready to shown to professionals. I looked on the internet and
found a government sponsored advice meeting in Manchester called the Patent
Clinic. The initial booking was months ago, but now the date for the meeting
had come up. As luck again would have it, on that day they were also holding
an inventors show, with experts on-hand to answer questions. Sounded just
what I needed.
A made my way into Manchester for the show
the next morning (17th), and used a return bus ticket I 'happened' to have
left from my Stanstead adventure (I came back on the train). I'd next really
explored Manchester before, but I loved the cosmopolitan feel to the city;
similar to how I enjoyed Leeds. The venue was the main city library, which
was easy to find, and I this place also gave me the opportunity to sketch my
idea down as a drawing before I went up to see the people. I learned two
things that day. Firstly, never try push your ideas onto the marketplace
unless you're prepaired to make and market it, put in a lot of leg-work,
spend a lot of money, and have a head for business and showmanship - and even
they you're not guaranteed a profit in return. Secondly, I found out that my
idea had already been built and was currently being used in the photography
industry. At least now I knew not to persue this idea any further; and I'd
had an interesting afternoon. While I was in town, I had an urge to look out
for a song I wanted to play to Arwen - Praise You by Fatboy Slim. The track
was at least four years old and the girl behind the Virgin Megastore counted
didn't hold out much hope of me being able to order it. Nevertheless, I push
on with innocent hope and determination, and kept asking around. Past HMV and
all the leading CD shops, I was eventually directed to the Vinyl Exchange; a
kind of second hand music store. The prices were cheap but I only had enought
spare cash to buy what I was looking for - if only I would find it. I looked
in all the racks and again ended up asked the girl behind the counted for
advice. She pointed out the drop-outs section and I had a long look though. I
found the album with that track on for only £1.99 - but still I carried on
searching. Then, there it was! I put everything back and went to pay for it.
"I found it!", I said.
"Wow, that never happens in here!", replied the assistant,
"You never find what you've been looking all over town for.."
"It always happens to me.. I'm a lucky like that", I said, knowing
this to be staggeringly true. That put a smile on my face as I walked down
the street for home.
I was getting really concerned as Christine
still hadn't replied to my last letter. I wouldn't have usually bothered, but
including such a heart-felt song in the letter made me think again. I wrote
an appology note that night to say how sorry I was for including it, and that
I hoped it would help her. Still no reply came. This took over my mind quite
a bit on Wednesday. It had now been four days since I wrote my e-mail and I
was worried that Chistine had taken offence badly by now. It hurt me to think
that I'd hurt somebody I cared about; and was trying to help. I vowed never
to send another song again in my e-mails as I knew they were quite powerful.
I got home to hear my mother on the answering service. My Great Grandmother
(in her 100th year) was seriously ill ans her days were numbered. I set on
the bed and felt terrible. Terrible that I hadn't been closer to her.
Terrible that my family had not been closer. Terrible that I just didn't have
feelings for this woman even though she was my second-to-last surviving
family member. I couldn't go and see her now - not as ill as she sounded. I
sighed. This had been the worst end to a bad day. I went on the computer to
check my e-mail. A message from Christine at last! She said she'd not taken
offense at my poem and that she understood I was trying to help. That made me
feel a whole lot better, and made me almost completely forget about the tragedy
on the telephone. Strange that a word from a friend I'd known for less than a
month ment more to me than a member of my own family who I'd seen maybe once
every year. I'd have to place my feelings on this one...
As soon as I awoke the next day (19th) I had
an idea. I jumped out of bed and cut myself 12 equally sized squares of
paper. On these I wrote the numbers 0 to 9 and '+' to indicate 'more than'
and '?' to indicate 'I don't know'. Then I asked the question 'How long has
my Nan got left to live' and used my reiki to sence which of these symbols my
hand was drawn to. I held my hard high above them and felt a feeling from the
numbers 1 and 4, and a kind of half signal from the '+'; as if to show '14
and a half (days)'. I called mum and hold her, and I respected my mothers
professional opinion that it would be less than a week. But would I see my
nan before it was too late? I thought about this most of the day at work, and
put myself in quiet a down mood. I told a few people, including the boss, to
let them see why I was so unhappy. Thankfully, the old adage - 'a problem
shared is a problem halved' - proved to be true in this case, and I began
relax and make conversation again to take my mind off things. I remembered
making a wish for my heart to grow with the ups and down of love and living;
well that old heart was certainly growing these days. I felt like I'd been
'down' most of the week now with one thing or another, so I was relieved when
my mood lifted all on it's own (even though I was still thinking things over)
- like my head had lost it's capacity to be depressed now that I'd broken
down the energy which once caused me so much pain. Only the day before I'd
bumped into Liz - the one I initially blamed for that crippling disease. As
we chatted and made small talk I realised that all that pain had gone, and
that I have forgiven her absolutely. If only I could do that with my own
mother everything would be wonderful again. At last I came to a conclusion
about my nan - I would go and see her first thing the next day. I didn't know
why. I did know it was nothing to do with feeling obliged or intimidated to
go. Nothing to do with past memories (I couldn't remember being close to her
even thought my mum later reminded me of it), or out of a sense of duty. I knew
I wasn't in the will. I knew this would be a depressing sight; and yet I
still had to pay her my respects before it was too late. It was the least I
could do, and I was glad I did. The next day was bright and clear and I
actually quite enjoyed spending this time with my astranged Great
Grand-Mother. She couldn't hardly move or even speak, but the atmosphere was
pleasant and I didn't feel any bad feelings from being next to such an old
woman. I didn't know if I'd ever see her again - I'd just stand by the phone
and wait.
Instead of going to the usual church
service on Sunday (22nd) night, I decided to arrange to meet Elwin for a good
old chat about life and philosophy. Our conversation ran down all sorts or
avenues - one of which reminded me that life is based on the Yin Yang factor,
and the changability of all things at the Quantum level. I realised that this
is also how magic works; to help bring things into existence by forcably
changing the probability of it's appearance. We also talked about horoscopes
at great length, which made me slightly dubious of my own appreciation of
them. So to test their validity, I checked my monthly forcast when I returned
home. And yes, as usual the forcast was spot on, and talked about the e-mail
I regretfully sent and week before to Christine. If I'd have read this last
week it wouldn't have made much sence - but then something stopped me last
Sunday - probably just so as I could prove a point now.
Horoscope for
September: "IN our brightest dreams, we are all superhuman. We never put
a foot wrong, we never reach a dubious judgment. If we are faced with a
problem, we rise to it wisely and cope with it comfortably. Reality is rarely
so cosy. Often though, we make reality worse than it need be by comparing our
actual situation to the fantasy. Then, we feel bad because the gulf seems to
be so great. Things aren't ideal right now. But, after all, to err is human.
Of this, there can be no doubt. Whether or not it is truly divine to forgive,
we may never know. We are, after all, people not deities. You are currently
conscious of a mistake that you strongly suspect has been made. You wish you
could turn back time. But you can't. The nearest thing to a miraculous act
that you can perform is to forgive it. That won't wipe out the error, any
more than it will automatically make you a superhuman. But it will make you
feel better. And that's a start." (©) Cainer.com
I just knew I'd bump into Dave that weekend
- it was only a matter of time. I went into town on Monday to see if the
Glory Hole was open. Silly me, I should have know from countless similar
journeys that the Glory Hole was never open on Monday. But who should I see
as I walked up to the shop - Dave - the only person on the street. I said I
was looking out for crystals and he took me up to a shop just around the
corner which I'd never been into before, which sold all kinds of paint, art
materal, and a fantastic collection of raw, unpolished crystals - uncluding
many rare stones I'd been researching only the day before. It seems my
aptitude for learning had kickstarted itself (thanks to a new course of Ginko
Biloba) with crystalology - to sharpen that healing tool in my growing
vocation toolkit.
Speaking of which, that night began a new
college course - the 8 month long counselling level 2. The first-night nerves
were in the back of my mind as I sat once more in a room of hopeful strangers
who would soon know each other quite well. Thanks to a wonderful tape I
borrowed off Arwen from the modern-day guru Baba Ram Dass, my eyes were open
to an awareness of the world I enjoyed for a brief time last year. Awareness
of peoples point-of-view in life; their conciousness of their own reality. By
stepping back I saw a lot more in the people in my group than they themselves
even knew - trapped as they were in the dream of their own thoughts. One
person in-particular stood out from the rest; a rather opinionated young man
named Shaun; who beleived that every problem had it's solution clearly
printed in the pages of the bible. We talked at length as he tried to
convince me that every mondern-day religion actually comes directly from the
bible, and that this is the only word of god worth it's salt. I could have
picked huge holes in what he was saying, but then I also saw that he had
brainwashed himself so much with this limited ideal that my words would only
create an enemy from an otherwise honest and upstanding man. Although I
nearly did say something later as I saw him try to swat a fly - even I know
the bible says we don't have the right to kill one of gods creatures; big or
small. I tried not to judge too much these new people. Some I could see were
more that fit to be counsellors. Some were lacking in areas - particularly
one woman who looked like she could be quite vain - dressed up as if for a
night on the town, and another man who thought it was cool to use 'street
language' to express himself - not very good traits to bring into sometimes
very personal and delicate circumstances. As it turned out, I got to know
both these people (and most of the others) over the next few months and was
often pleasantly surprised. The rest of the bunch looked a solid crew,
down-to-earth and approachable, and after a week or two I'm sure I'd get to
know them in my own 'outside-looking-in' way.
The following week took me on the Awareness
trip for a while. The more I seemed to relax and just take in my full
surroundings, the more I seemed to be my true self. The Ginko Biloba (now in
it's concentrated form) was doing a great job activating the parts of the body
and brain which other beers cannot reach. The vfact that I felt 'brainy' made
me feel a lot better about myself and my world - more confident and much more
cheerful to be around - although sometimes it just made me look more
seriously about things. No more looking up or down to people, to just looking
across to accept the world as a place of endless learning and beauty. On the
Saturday I bought four new crystals at a church open day, an instinctive
choice of Howlite, Lepidolite, Tektite and a deep red Garnet stone. I was
sure they were all chosen for a reason. I went into work that afternoon and
suddenly I noticed I had a student. Janet had been enthusiastically tapping
my brain for some time and loved talking about healing and crystalology. I'd
happened to mention about the church open day and she came back saying she'd
had a wonderful experience; and somebody had told her that she would be a
healer! I replied that she already was a healer; having already don't Reiki 1
and was about to do level 2; but she was convinced that she'd heal as a
career. I'd have to keep an eye on someone as driven as she was to jump in
and have a go.
I called Mum up to see how things were
going with my Nan and she told me she was getting slowly worse. I decided I
really wanted to see her again before it was too late, and to give my
support. Again I was slightly anxious about seeing her that Monday (30th)
morning, but after I walked in and sat down next to my Nans new bed I felt
completely comfortable. My Mother left us alone long enough to have a long
conversation together - not verbally, as she couldn't talk at all now - but
mentally. I could see that she understood me as her hands gestured as I
projected my thoughts. Nan was now half-in and half-out of the body and
slowly getting used to being away from the physical plain for life. I told
her how she'd see all her family and freinds again soon, and that there was
nothing to be afraid of, but she replied she was still afraid of letting go -
and that there was no going back once she did. I said that she'd go when she
wanted to, and that nobody would make her forcably go. Even if she lived for
another 100 years, she would eventually say 'yes' and move on. She agreed
with reservation. I tried my best to reassure her and projected a huge hug
towards her; which agitated her and then calmed her down quite a bit. Then I
said my farewells and my blessings and she became quite emotional. Then Mum
walked in - completely unaware of our astral conversation. This, I was almost
sure, would be the last time I'd see Nan in the flesh, but just in case I
reserved a space for her in my mind. I'd rather not be there at the end.
For some reason I felt quite anxious during
that nights counselling class. Maybe it was because I'd come into the group
with so much heavy baggage from the day that I couldn't possibly concentrate
on the matters of education. I'd also been using the skills of awareness to
bring myself closer to being present and being just me. Tonight I noticed
that I wasn't able to be either 'aware' or 'me', and the more I tried to
capture the eligance of the awareness I'd been enjoying all week, the more I
seemed to be walling myself off from the group. During the long awaited
break, I introduced myself to a woman I was kind of attracted to, and we
started to chat about, of all things, healing and astrology. Now this was a
subject I could talk about all week and I was more than ready to re-educate
this woman to the enlightened path. This lead to a stand-off both in my mind
and physically between us as she stuck to her beleifs and I stood by my
reality. I realised that my non-judgementalist had slipped as I started to
talk about myself, and the barrier separating a friend from a client was
reduced to crumbling foundations. If I'd have stood back and held back my
emotions then things would have been very pleasant. But because I let go of
my reserve for a breif few moments - and let my mind flow without restriction
- then this is when I got into trouble. I resume that a balance between these
is by far the best solution; something I'd have to gradually work on. After
that encounter I was far less bothered about concentrating in class and bided
my time until the end. One thing which did stand out before all this happened
was how different people think, and how limited and narrow their thinking can
be. It's easy to see things from afar that you'd miss right under your own
nose.
Key issue: Defend
Yourself
I decided to work on my energy system a lot
more that first week of October. This basically involved working with
crystals enhance any lacking chakras and checking progress with the
featherlight touch of reiki sensing. My dreamscape was also changing all the
time. Since placing a Jade stone under my pillow I had enjoyed varying
degrees of dream clarity, and could remember maybe 3 or 4 different nightly
adventures the next day. Wednesday that week started off pretty well, and I
was in an extraordinariliy good mood for some reason. That night I had a
nightmare of being stalked inside my house, and I escaped to find wolves and
bears blocking my path. I awoke with a start. The people across the road were
busy having a public argument and this thankfully woke me up. The next day I
was very late for work, and this set the tone for the rest of the day. In
contrast to the day before, I was very low and depressed. The one thing going
around in my mind was my Nan. She was ill. I fent helpless, confused and
angry at the same time. If only this situation was over - I could make a new
start. Waiting to hear the bad news was unbearable and I found myself eating
and sitting alone all week. The next day was the same, and even the thought
of the much anticipated week off work the next week did nothing to change my
spirits - and neither did the crystals. The only break in this tedium came
unexpectedly that night. Simon phoned around 10:30 to say he was having
trouble getting to the airport for his latest break in the sun. I was glad to
help and drove him there in his spritely 306 turbo. The journey back was a
welcome release of energy. My foot stayed furmly down all the way, and I
became quite envious of this speed machine. I agreed to pick him up when he
returned in a fortnight; if only to drive that car again.
By now my Nan was in a very poor condition.
After my forcast of '14' a few weeks ealier, I expected the end tpo come 14
days after my prediction. The 14th day came and went with little sign of
change. I wondered why the numbers had been so clear and yet nothing was
happening. Maybe my method wasn't so accurate after all. I decided to wait
and see.
Saturday (5th) was to be a very long and
frustrating day. I worked on the music desk at work nearly all day, and even
though I tried to stay in a positive mood I found the pressures of such a
hard slog were grinding my psychy down. The highlight of the day was a very
self-centered customer insisting on personal telephone service - even though
I had a line of more pressing customers. He insisted even more, and I left
the phone with an angry 'Fuck off!'. Of course everybody in the vacinity
heard and saw all this, but all I could do was to be pleasant back to them
and hope they would patiently wait. Retuning to the phone I filled the man in
with the information he could have easily done without and put the phone down
with a 'Good Riddance!'. The woman in front of me turned her head and held
back a laugh as I carried on serving. Only later did I look back and see the
funny side of the whole ridiculous situation.
My holiday began in earnest the very next
morning. I wasn't particularly ready for a break - in fact I half wondered
what it would be like just to stay at home and let things settle - all my
feeling for my Nan were still in the air. With hindesight I was very glad I
made the effort. On Monday (7th) I had arranged to see Arwen at home for a
few days relaxation before heading off to my favourite field in the Lake
District. Arwen gave her usual warm welcome as I turn up (only an hour late)
and we went into the kitchen for a day of light conversation and relaxation.
Later I got the chance to talk with her about her life. It was all over
between us, and I felt no pangs of emotion as she poured out her thoughts on
her current boyfriend. She explain how she had now fallen in love with this
man; her face pink and beaming a broad smile. I felt good, and was glad she
had found some happiness at last. On the other hand, my mood hadn't really
lifted, and I knew I was bringing Arwen down with every word. Still, I put on
a brave face and tried to make the best of it. But there was something else.
For some reason there was a sinking feeling in the solar plexus region of
stomach - like some kind of bad forboding. I couldn't place it. It wasn't Arwen,
as this was happening with or without her, but more like a reaction to the
house - and made me feel sick whenever I looked at food. This always happened
whenever I came to visit Arwen - I couldn't eat a thing - why? Was it that I
just didn't belong here? I never did find out what the problem was, but that
night my Solar plexus throbbed like some open wound and, to make matters
worse, I was bitten in the night by roddent teeth - ensuring I didn't manage
a wink of sleep. The next morning I just couldn't keep my eyes open when it
was time to get up - placing me in Arwens bad book for the rest of the day.
She had gone out on business by the time I came to my sences, and moods were
tested when she returned a couple of hours later. I wanted to stay with her a
little longer, but I've over-stayed my welcome, and felt pressed to move on.
A small meditation around 3pm didn't help the flow of energy, and I found
myself half way through the door to try to give this woman some peace of
mind. This wasn't what I wanted at all. I supposed that I'd just been too
weighed down with my own baggage that I couldn't cheer up. With a heavy heart
drove through the countryside towards Keswick - my home for the next three
days.
I arrived shortly after 5pm that day, and I
spent most of the time around camp before heading off for a bar meal. The
great thing about the Castlerigg farm site was the handy pub just a minutes
walk down the road - a friendly place called the Crag Bar. The bar meals
started from £3.50 up to about £6.50 for steak - and the atmosphere was a
really open affair. Most of the people in there were walkers, and often you
saw them out and about on your own travels. This first night I sat in the
back corner next to three people talking about climbing Hellvelyn. Within a
few minutes we were all chatting away about all sorts of things; and I played
Dominoes with them the rest of the night before bed. My mood was lifting all
the time.
The next day I set off around dinner for a
'gentle' stroll around the Derwent. The 8 miles turned into 14 and then 20 as
I saw one peak and then climbed another ever further away. The only thing to
stop me walking was the sun going down - and just as well really! It was an
hour past dark when I got back to civilisation and it took the last of my
reserves of adreniline to get me over the hill back to Castlerigg, but I made
it. The feeling of accomplishment was great. I'd walked off my blues, and put
my thoughts to the back of my mind for a change. I just had time to unload my
gear into the tent and rush back to the Crag Bar before they stopped selling
meals. The same three people were in there I'd seen the day before, this time
with a different crowd, and we all got together again before the night was
out. I even managed to win a game of dominoes! I loved listening to the
hiking stories flying around from the hard-core robocop walkers; from seeing
a woman climb Snowdon with high-heels on, to seeing a businessman on top of
Skiddaw wearing a city suit, city shoes and an umberella like Mary Poppins. The
night was windy as I got into my sleeping bag. So much so that I didn't sleep
again all night - in fact I had't really slept now for 4 nights...
Unsurprisingly, I took it easy the next day
(Thur 10th). My legs were stiff as I began a slow walk over to the Castlerigg
Stone Circle - just a few fields from camp. Quite a large 20 foot circle with
maybe 25 or 30 medium sized stones. From there you could see all the peaks in
the area, and I could feel the energies within it. But I didn't feel like
staying too long as there were a few other people there taking pictures. I
was glad I avoided the summer crush! About half an hours walk from there lies
Keswick town. I really wanted to find an Azurite stone in a crystal shop I
knew on the highstreet. Alas, the shop was completely dry of the kind I
wanted, and the lady said it was quite rare - thrusting into my hand a guide
to her crystalology courses instead. Not a very good substitute! Looking
around the backstreets I came across several beautiful crafts shops, and I
went into the Motor Museum. That was interesting; and I got to see the
original Batmobile, Herbie, the Munster-mobile, the Only Fools and Horses
van, James bond cars and more. A lot of my childhood dreams were realised in
that place as I at last got to see the Knightrider car and the Dolorian from
Back To The Future! The highlight of the tour was the Batmobile from the
Movie. That was the original reason for going in in the first place. I seemed
to have a dark affinity with the first Batman film - and the car was amazing.
That night my over-eager fantasies spiralled out of control as I imagined
buying the suit and the car, an going around saving the world. That was my
dark side coming though all right. I couldn't stop long in the museum as I
was skint, but I had an interesting chat with the proud owner of everything
on offer. Back in the bar that night, I talked first to one couple and then
another from Gateshead. I would never go into pubs at home; and I would
certainly never talk to anybody in there. Between the five of us we were
chatting for maybe three hours! The wind had dropped in the field when I got
back to the tent. and I managed to grab most of the night as sleep (at last).
Friday I took a long lie-in to enjoy the
feeling of having slept. During this time I became aware that I was in tune
to a guide who sounded a hell of a lot like Lazarus. I knew it couldn't be -
but then everything he was saying sounded just right for what I was thinking.
Maybe it was the Mushrooms I'd eaten the day before... At the time I
understood everything perfectly as he explained the difference between
Subject and Object, and to think more about the subjects of life (and the
objects will naturally sort themselves out). The importance of being
comfortable with where you are and not to get caught up in where you're
going. And about being aware of your states of mind so you can weed out the
unproductive thoughts and dreams. As far as awareness goes, things did indeed
revolve around stepping back and looking at things in perspective, rather
than the 'objects' up close and personal. My mind was knumb with all this by
dinner time, so I spent the rest of the afternoon in the next field picking
more magic mushrooms. The funny thing was... the more I held my object(ive)
in mind; 'where are those mushrooms!'; I didn't find a single one. But as I
expanded my vision and let my mind focus on the subject of 'looking', I fell
over one after another. Letting go of that desire placed my mind firmly in
the present rather than in the future - where it usually liked to hang out in
those days. There was so much to see and do in the Lakes that my awareness
came on in leaps!
The drive back was long and it rained all
the way. I came home to find an e-mail from the woman I'd ment at Stanstead
saying I could have gone to visit her, but by now I'd run out of money and
petrol. I supposed it wasn't ment to be. I had a great time anyway, and I was
glad I did everything I did. I only wished I could have been better company
for Arwen. I fely like a new man after that. I wished I could visit the
country more often than I did. Maybe I could make this happen.. I decided to
get all the crappy jobs out of way as soon as possible so as to take the next
four days off as pure leasure time. My mind was firmly open to the world as I
wandered into town, and then proptly got forced closed again by the sheer
number of people crowding around the small main street. I was more in touch
with my feelings; and my feelings were raw from all that hustle and business;
and I couldn't wait to get out of there. Being a sensitive person wasn't all
it was cracked up to be at times, and I made sure I got plenty of turquoise
light into my aura to shield myself from all that negative flow.
Horoscope for
October: "KEEP your caffeine intake down. The last thing you need is
extra stimulation. You need to stop conjuring unlikely fantasies. Conserve
your energy to compensate for such flights of whimsy. Be alert enough to
recognise reality when you see it... but relaxed enough not to let the reality
worry you! The future is your friend. It will soon be sending a
representative to speak to you. It wants you to understand something
important. It wants to ensure that you make the right choice at a crucial
time. That's why you're feeling such an inexplicably strong urge to pursue a
particular priority. There will come a point one day, when you say: "I
don't really know why I chose X instead of Y but I am so glad I did." On
that day you will be glad you reduced your exposure to anger, anxiety,
aggravations and cappuccino."(©) Cainer.com
"Self-inquiry
can't help but lead to important decisions and subsequent changes in your
outer life. Shared interests are particularly accentuated, therefore over the
month you may find it necessary to reinforce certain associations and abridge
others. The 6th is a particularly good day for negotiations, whereas around
the 13th and 14th, interactions are less productive. Choose the 23rd to look
at your life direction. Your attitude will be both optimistic and farsighted.
A positive frame of mind will stand you in good stead for setting beneficial
and expansive goals for the future. By the 27th, you'll be primed and ready
to grasp the nettle and show your mettle. The more philanthropic your vision,
the better its chance of fruition. (©)2002, Russellgrant.com"
Monday the 14th stared with a telephone
call. I was in the middle of a dream with me and my mother traveling on a
bus. As I awoke I just knew that Mum was trying to get through. Sure enough,
I picked up the phone and there she was. Unfortunately the news wasn't good.
My Nan, after a short period of 'fighting' had finally passed to spirit; and
could I come and give support. I put the phone down and thought about what I
might find when I got down there. As I did so, a familiar tingling feeling
came over my whole body. I knew this was the spirit of my Nan coming to say
goodbye. She gave me a 'spririt hug' as if to compliment the one I gave her
the week before, and everything felt natural and peaceful. This was the real
spirit work in action, and I treasured that meeting more than all the formal
cerimonys put together. Some time later I went down to the old peoples home
where my mother begrudgingly worked and came face to face with my Nans old
body, holding a pink carnation, on the bed. The sight of a dead body didn't
frighten or disgust me in the slightest - I'd been talking to the dead for
long enough now to know there is nothing frighened about it. Besides, I knew
the house was empty - I'd spoken to the former occupier earlier that morning
and I knew she was safe and well. Mum was taking it on the chin but I knew
there were emotions just under the surface just waiting to find an outlet to
escape. I took the opportunity to scan the body for any life signs.
Surprisingly there were still goings on in most of the chakras - except the
heart chakra which was decidedly 'dead'. People often say the body still keep
on growing even after death.
Eventally, the doctor came in and confirmed
the death. Then the Funeral Director came in and made arrangments for the
funeral. Nan was a devout Catholic. She wanted the full service in her local
church before being cremated. Mum had arranged a burrial of the ashes in a
family grave, which she herself hoped to be lowered into when the time came. Everything
went smoothly and in no time we were out and back my mothers house. All I
could do was to go into counsellor mode and help her deal with the days
events as best I could. There were no tears - they would come later - but the
going was still tough and draining for both of us. I left after three hours
to return to my Monday night counselling group. That nights session was
thankfully light and often humerous - which helped me cheer up and get myself
together. Now there only remained the formal funeral service to anticipate
before I could put the whole situation behind me and look forward with
positivity. And the number 14 I'd predicted? I realised much later that the
14 refered to the date of death rather than the number of days - I was right
after all!
The next week at work was a much lighter
affair than the one I had before the break. I no longer had to worry that the
phone would ring to tell me of a death in the family, and I decided to give
all the philosphy and psychic work a break for a while to let everything
settle. Two new faces came to work on our department temporarily for the
Christmas period - a guy called Alan and a girl called Tracy. Alan was on a
positive and open vibration, and although I didn't get the chance to talk
with him for a few days, when I did I fould him to be a genuine and
interesting man. On the other hand, I felt Tracy wasn't on any such vibration
as soon as I met her. I couldn't tell many of the underlying traits which
this feeling pointed towards, but I knew they would come out soon. I didn't
dislike her, but I knew we wouldn't get on for a long time, so I just avoided
her or made light conversation. It seemed as if the lazy people I worked with
could get down to some hard work sometimes - she never would - and I knew it.
On Friday Mum called to let me know about the funeral - set for the following
Monday. I'd just woken up and was in no mood for the Scorpio manipulation
tactics my Mum used to wear like a suit or armour. Today the demon returned!
I explained that I might had to leave slightly early during the 'after
funeral beer and sandwhiches' session to pick up Simon from the airport. She
wasn't amused, and insisted I would stop until the bitter end. I could see no
harm in going - both of the planned services would be over and this would be
a welcome escape from the drama of the morning. Was I not a guest? Could I
not go when I'd had enough? Surely I could choose as an individual. Mum
wasn't having none of it and prompty put the phone down. I thought about
ringing her back to sort it out, but I knew she never listened to common
sense in those moods, so I left it. Having said that, the feelings were still
raw inside me as I blurted out the whole mess to an understanding Lisa at
work. I ended up getting the whole lot off my chest as if to justify my
actions to someone who would understand. She did, and I felt much better
after. That evening I was reminded of a horoscope I'd inadvertantly seen
which explained everything:
Horoscope for
Friday, 18th October 2002 "Are we all individuals? Some people argue
otherwise. Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that
hate you and pray for them...' Easier said than done. Does this mean though,
that we are entitled to approach this guidance selectively, listening to what
we feel able to follow and ignoring the rest? Now, it sounds as if I'm
delivering a sermon, but the point is important for you this week. There is a
principle you dearly want to uphold. It will take some doing but you can do
it. And you will be very glad you did...Go deeper! Remember, life is too
short for grievances and grudges.(©) Cainer.com"
I thought about my individuality in
relation to my mother. As far as she was concerned I didn't have one. That
was one of the things which split us up in the first place. That was the deep
psychological factor which made me later for every little appointment. I was
determined to uphold my individuality - my right not to arrive on time. I'd
always wondered why I didn't respect this disiplin - now I knew - it was because
I was forced to do whatever my mother wanted as a child. I wasn't a child
anymore, thank god! This principle of standing up for my rights (and
defending myself) seemed to be the learning-point of this month.
Saturday (19th) was a quiet Saturday for
once. I took my time on the music and video desk and eventually got into
quite a humerous swing with the customers. If only everyday could be like
this. The next day Simon telephoned me from France to arrange for me to pick
him up. I was overjoyed. This ment that there wouldn't be any problems on
Monday - and I didn't have to leave the after-funeral get-together after all.
I picked him up, again using his cruise-mobile as transport, and we spent the
afternoon talking about our respective holidays. Sunday nights service was so
tranquile and soothing that I almost fell asleep before it ended. I returned
to Simons and phoned my Mum to finalise arrangements for Monday. I didn't
mention that Simon was now home - I could still use the excuse to leave early
if I needed to. She sounded in better spirits and I concluded that the scar
had been healed.
All too soon it was Monday (21st) morning.
I got up to have a quick cigarette before the day began. I arrived only
10minutes late at my Mothers house and thankfully the Funeral Directors were
late as well. When they turned up we set off to the Chappel of Rest to view
the deceased before the service at a local Catholic church. Again, I didn't
have any quarms about seeing the body. The woman was nearly twice as old as
my Granded was when he died, so in a way I was glad for her that she'd gone
at last. A short time later we were taken up to my Nans local Catholic church
(St. Marys) for the first of the two formal gatherings. This place was alien
to me - a relic of days long gone by. I hadn't been inside a christian church
for as long as I could remember, and after that day I didn't feel any
feelings to return to one in a big hurry. The priest (Father Burke) began his
service and a few hymns were sung, mainly by the resident choir, and
whispered by the rest of us. More formalities followed which involved
achnowledgment of Christ and relatively little to do with my Nan. Eventaully,
about half way though the service, a few words were said by the Father about
her; yet I found they could have been said about any elderly lady and very
little was said to provide proof that this man knew anything about her at
all. There were several more hymns - of which I knew one from my own church
(under the guise of a completely different tune), before the 'Body and Blood
of Christ' ritual which I presumed followed most formal services. The one
thing which I appreciated was the burning of the Frankincense above my Nans
coffin. From my limited Wiccan and spiritual experience on these matters,
frankincense was the ability to drive out lingering spirits from their
resting places, and can be used to banish unwanted house guests, as well as
in this case, to send any remaining spirit force from a deceased. Of cource
Father Burke knew nothing of the very real purpose of the ritual, and
concluded it was for the cleansing - almost like a reverse baptism. After
this the service came to a close, and we walked out to shake hands with a few
people before moving on to the next location for the cremation.
The cremation service was a far more bright
and casual affair. The centuries old wooden church seats and wall arches now
made way for a modern building with bright carpets and windows. We sat on at
the front next to the curtain which the coffin would eventually disappear
behind. This time, my Mother picked the hyms and the closing music - a very
moving Fallen Embers by Enya - at which I got a lump in my throat. Thoughout
the day I had very open feelings about the whole thing. I didn't feel any
feelings of sorrow or grief as I hardly knew the lady, even though she was my
own Great Grandmother - a fault partly of mine but also of my rather loveless
family. If I felt anything, it was for my mother, who by now was glad to see
an end to the proceding. She grabbed my arm as she had done many times by
now, and we walked out together again. I stood among the people who had come
over from the retirement home where my Mum worked and where my Nan recently
resised. Clouds of cigarette smoke filled the air from every mouth except mine.
One woman asked if I smoked. I said 'no' even though I had done for nearly a
year by now - my Mother still didn't know! After the 'commemoration party',
which would have been rather boring if it weren't for two Spiritualists sat
opposite, I ducked out and thankfully returned home. There was no counselling
course tonight because of half-term so I spent the rest of the day relaxing
as best I could.
The following week was filled with ups and
downs. On the Wednesday (23rd) I finally decided to go back to my persuit of
awareness - this time using the Kitt Wood method. This involved setting the
alarm on my wristwatch to go off everyday at 4pm. After which I would pit all
my efforts into getting onto the awareness level of conciousness for between
10 and 25 minutes every day. By the second day I found I was becoming more
efficient at it already - but I'd still stick to the time limit for a few
weeks until I felt I could go for the full half hour (and longer). Friday was
a busy day; not least because I was to run the whole department on my own for
half an hour that evening. With so many people asking me to do things all at
the same time, I was digging myself into a deep angry state, so I was
grateful when a second member of staff came in half an hour later. Days like
that made Asda unbearable. The climax of the week nearly hit me on the Sunday
(27th). I was travelling through town on my way to the Church (an hour early
thanks to the clocks going back without my knowledge), when a moped bike
zoomed in front of me from behind a line of cars. I slammed on the brakes and
avoided knocking this person off by less that a meter. I didn't rant and rage
as I knew we would both be shaken up by the experience. If anything, I was
glad I was trying to practice awareness at the time or I may have been going
too fast to stop. Thankfully (again) I had the next hour to wait before the
service, which gave me time to cool down and get myself together. A cope of
Psychic News lay to my side and I picked it up to read a very interesting
article on the realms of the universe; inspiring me to progress with
increased vigour; and which mentioned again that lessons are first learned in
the mind - and then trialed in the physical. My awareness was in my mind -
and had had it's first real test that evening when I almost injured somebody
- as if to see if I really was practicing what I preached. Funny how these
things are always being tested.
I was quite looking forward to Mondays
(28th) evening counselling group and felt confident from start to finish.
Matters were made easier (or harder) as I spotted Dawn who'd managed to find
a in the corner of the circle to sit in. She looked great, and my feelings
for this person were getting stronger week by week. Unfortunately for me I
also had Linda to fight off at the same time. She made it quite obvious that
she found me attractive. She looked to be in her 40's, so after my last three
encounters with 40 somethings I decided to give this one a miss. Dawn was my
age, shared an interest in holistics and even psychic matters, but she also
had a young daughter of her own - I anticipated she wanted a long term father
figure - and I wasn't sure if this is what I wanted. The opening round was
interesting, although I painted over the deep shit I was wading through at
work with a kind of 'everything was fine today at least' attitude. After a
discussion on Jaharis model we set about interviewing each other and
discribing how we saw each other (as a type of dog, peice of furnature, type
of food etc) in the hope of uncovering some hidden characteristic which
others could see but was hidden to the individual. Most people summed me up
as a Windy type of weather, a Labradore dog and a Rock and Roll person; to
which I had to agree - especially with the Windy - my mind blows in all
directions and to all things, often to the detrement of my current mood.
After break; where I tried to talk to Dawn, and Linda tried to talk to me; we
began a triad and discussed a situation in which we found it difficult to
communicate with somebody. As fate would have it, my triad also consisted of
Linda and Dawn! I remained professional and tried to avoid my feelings for
these people for the sake of my own education. Linda touched my leg at least
twice and made herself quite clear to me. I was more concerned about making a
good impression with Dawn - and received a welcome kick in my shine for my
efforts. To make matters worse, Dawn clammed up after my interview, and
couldn't think of any questions to ask. My mind went blank, and rather than
prompting her, I simply carried on talking until I couldn't think of anything
else to say. I also corrected Linda at the end of her session for saying too
many personal opinions rather than asking the client. I think this only lead
her to respect me more!
The final week of October was also filled
with all sorts of magic. Twice in two weeks, a face from the past came back
to me - a face I'd been thinking about only the day or night before for
strange reasons. One instance was a dream about an old college friend. Sure
enough, he came into Asda the next day, but I couldn't remember just why I
was dreaming about him - and he was certainly surprised to hear it. An
accuainance I'd seen even less of was from my old secondary school. I'd seen
him maybe twice in the last 11years, but for some reason I recalled a
particular act this person did so long ago. Sure enough again, this week this
person came right to my desk at work and I mentioned my experience the night
before. He laughed. It was as if I either knew he was going to turn up the
next day, or perhaps I attracted him there with my own magnetic thoughts.
More magic followed on the Thursday (31st). That morning I'd been idly drawn
to think about the bed I'd lent my old house guest Stacy when she moved out.
If I were to be offered the bed back I'd suggest she sell it and we split the
money. The bed wouldn't fit in my new meditation room anyway - not that I
spent any time in there these days. When I got into work, the first person I
saw told me that Stacy wanted a word. I went over and she told me she'd just
bought a new bed and that I could have my old one back. I simply went over
the plan I'd formulated that morning and placed an advert in the Loot when I
returned home. Sorted! There was a strange draw towards the internet that
night. I ended up checking my horoscope - something I only tend to do once a
month for an overview or when one is placed in my hands. This night I was
thinking about Dawn, and the horoscope confirmed my exact feelings. A trip
down a link also give me an I-Ching reading, which again revolved about my
relashionship decisions, and advised me to take my time and not to reveal my
feelings just yet. This is what I intended, and to see these words in print
only strengthened my decision.
Key issue: Uncertainty
The counselling group played an increased
part in my mental play this month. On the 2nd (Sat) we were brought together
for a full day session - I would have to leave at midday because of work.
Surprisingly, this day included quite a lot of phychic related work, and I
could have explored the talents I'd honed at the Spiritualist Awareness
classes if I really wanted to. After an introduction, we were asked to draw a
symbol of the 'hat' we wear in daily life. My hat had the usual
mental/spiritual symbolisms I was getting used to, headed on the crown by the
pentagram of spirit. Next we were asked to draw out a symbol of our current
energy levels. I plunged into a full diagram of my current aura - which
several people in the group faught to talk to me about. Each indivitual was
also asked to bring five objects they felt improtant. I brought a selection
of crystals to symbolise my physical/mental/emotional/sentimental/spiritual
growth, and these fitted into my aura-graph nicely - also as if I knew this
whole was going to happen. After the session I headed off into Asda in a
completely relaxed and certain mood. Instead of trying to keep up with
workload as I'd done the insane Saturday before, I moved at my own pace,
spoke to customers and actaully quite enyoyed myself. This was the first time
I'd actually enjoyed Asda in years - as if all the pressure of work had been
lifted off by the spirit of the counselling group.
The next night I skipped church for a
change and headed off to see Elwin. He wasn't in, but his dad Micheal; who I
knew fairly well since before Glastonbury; was on hand to discuss the finer
points of astral and quantum theory. My philosophy had been growing in these
areas for quite a few weeks and to find somebody of like mind was a welcome
breath of air. I arrange to meet up with him the next night before the
counselling group - he wasn't home, but it did give me the chance to take in
a taste of the evening air before heading into class. In no time at all I was
back in college. I was quite early, and only two other people had arrived; a
man called Morris, and Dawn... I tried my best to talk to Dawn and find out a
few things, while trying not to make it too obvious to Morris or Dawn what I
was up to. I discovered she was interested in Tarot, and that she intended to
visit her first Spiritualist church very shortly. But just as things were
getting interesting, the class walked in as if from the same coach, and the
session began. We began to discuss the finer aspects of Egans model and what
it ment to Listen, to Actively Listen, what paraphrasing involved, and
everything in between. I was in a group of four ladies, all of whom I enjoyed
the company of (and at least one of whom fancied me - that made at least
three in the room!), and a man named Shaun. Shaun was worldly knowledegable -
but not worldly wise - and enjoyed taking the lead in conversations. I stood
back an interrupted with my view only when I had something major say. I could
see Shaun wasn't pleased to have two leaders in the same group, and so I let
him had a free reign. We all came back to the group and he spoke for the rest
of us. Unfortunatly, he intructed a side topic which I wasn't altogether
confident enough to have an opinion about, and rather left him out on a limb.
Break time saw me talking to Dawn about her Stone Maconary course. After
break we came back into triads to dicover how to fill in a review sheet. I
was with Lee and Mandy. Lee made it clear she was in no mood for conversation
that night, so I listened while Mandy spoke of her bad time at work. I
ignored the 'counselling criteria' we were supposed to be following knowing
it would only get in the way of my natural method. After we finished both
women showed me in complements and said I'd followed the 'method' even
without me thinking about it. I still found it hard to take complements -
this ego pampering wasn't my style, and I faught to stop my head from getting
bigger under the pressure. But after that I couldn't stop thinking about the
group, and Dawn in particular. There was a residential weekend coming up in
January - I was there already!
The first full week of November was clouded
by feelings of lust towards this new goddess. Thoughts of the day were being
ransacked by images of pleasure and good times with Dawn. I knew this was a
bubble which would burst pretty soon but I enjoyed it regardless. I was
looking forward towards the weekend as two birthdays came into immidiate
view. One was my Mothers on the 10th, the other was Arwens (which I knew was
sometime in November after subtle fishing). I gave her a call on Tuesday
(5th) morning. Arwen was surprised to hear that I knew about her birthday at
all, as by now she was well along a new path with a new partner. She said
she'd be in my area the following Monday (11th), and that this would be the
best time to meet up. I found out much later that her birthday was actually
on the 10th - the same date as my mothers!! How could two totally dissimilar
peole share the same birthday? How could I love one person for her
personality and yet loath another for the same reason? No matter. I pulled
out the birthday card I bought for Arwen at the Spiritualist College in
August and bought her a large chocolate cake - because I knew she liked
chocolate with a passion. I also planned to give her an ornimental tea-light
lamp I bought for her way back last summer and two tapes of music I knew she
loved. I also bought a card and a cake for my Mother which I hoped to present
on Sunday. My energy was high. So high in fact that I had to avoid wearing
crystals for a week - even though I was still recovering from the usual
'dark-moon-depression'.
Sunday (10th) came and I called Mum to
arrange a visit - no answer. I went over to her place around 9:30 at night to
drop the card off and she was actually at home. She invited me in with two of
her friends but my feelings were set on 'anything-but-this'. 15mins later I
made my excuses and left. Mums voice rippled with echos of dissappointment,
but I carried on walking. Somehow I just wasn't ready for this - even though
it was her birthday!!
The next day (11th) I anticipated the
welcome arrival of Arwen and opened the door to her smiling face around 10am.
I brought in all her gifts and she seemed thrilled. Then she took a bath
while I placed mums cake in the boot of my car. I planned to visit her after
Arwen returned home around 3. I was kind of enjoying myself in Arwens
company, although my feelings for her were mixed - something deep inside was
wishing I'd broken off our ties when I had the chance to do it admirably so
long ago. Then she dropped a bomb-shell - almost repeated these same fears
back to me like images in a mirror. She almost regretted our meeting today -
admitting it felt more like an obligation rather than a pleasure. This was
how I felt about seeing my Mother. Arwen chose her words and placed them
under my skin with surgical precision. My emotions were raped, but I cleared
the air by showing her I felt the same way. The afternoon became more casual
after that. We visited a mutual friend, and drove half way back to her house
to have coffee in a village cafe. I parted with reassuring words and I knew
we had reached another level in our friendship. The road back to mums was an
opportunity to relax, but soon I was with her again. The next few hours went
slowly as I patienty listened to all my mother had to say - without one word
of 'so how are you today Son?' This was draining, especially considering the
wounds still gaping from Arwens visit. I skillfully avoided talk of the breif
visit the night before but the knives were still out. Thankfully things
calmed down as we talked Fung-Shui before I left.
After a very emotionally draining day, I
felt quite battered as I came into the counselling group. I felt low, and my
armour had now several holes in it. I felt quite out-of-place for some
reason, and kept myself to myself as we sat down and began the session. This
week, we began by talking about morals and the standards we try to give
ourselves. A list of 11 words was handed around and included such things as
Leadership, Security, Affection, and Duty. Most of these traits I failed to
see in myself as constant influences; especially things relating to seeking
Wealth and Popularity. I made up one of my own - Openness - which of all
things I was willing to accept as something I tried to label myself as. After
a breif thinking period, the group paired off and talked about our feelings
towards these focus words. I, as worst luck would have it, teamed up with
Linda. I felt quite open towards her but after a while things turned sour.
Perhaps the rejection of her roving eye last week had turned her enthusiasm
into a revenge attack, as she began to dogmatically inject her religious
views on my psyche. This was followed by a statement from me saying I saw
myself as a non-judgemental person. Linda ripped this statement appeart over
the next 20minutes; inventing one scenario after another in an attempt to
disprove my completely innocently honest statement. I wasn't in the least
ready for this - and by now, although I had convinced her of my true
open-minded approach towards other people, my armour was hanging by threads.
The group was asked to reflect on the exercise. I spoke without thinking and
unintentionally revealed that affection would have been higher on my list but
'I hadn't seen any of that, so I couldn't rate it'. This slip revealed my
weakest point, and my confidence was shattered as I was left to think about
it. I hardly spoke during the break or after that. We formed triads to
discuss the list of words further, but I insisted I would rather be the
observer; avoiding further confrontations. Only after a heavy dose of healing
and reflection all through the following week did I feel anywhere near myself
again. Dawn looked as good as ever. I just hoped my slip would eventually
bring us together rather than show my life of affection was still very much
in neglect. At least my monthly horoscope gave my love life some
encouragement after todays episode...
Horoscope for
November: "To use the energies of the coming weeks to their best
advantage, concentrate on expanding your experience and objectives. Undertake
a new hobby or study, learn more about a cultural or philosophical subject or
broaden your horizons by travelling. Whatever you decide should take you away
from the mundane and ordinary. The 9th you are energised and raring to go,
however, don't set your sights on an unreachable target. You won't lack
enthusiasm but a little realism will help you go miles further. Your planning
ability is enhanced on the 11th, - plus a combination of factors that bodes
well for a successful outcome to your endeavours. As Mercury enters your
zodiac sector of career and ambitions it's time to move on - jump before
you're pushed? Maybe, but only if you have somewhere to jump to! (©)2002,
Russellgrant.com"
"The more
things change the more they stay the same. We strive and struggle to free
ourselves from discomfort and deprivation. For a while we seem to accomplish
this. And then some new problem arises. Suddenly, we have something else we
want to escape. It seems now as if you're playing out a drama very similar to
one you lived through long ago. You have gone to great lengths to avoid being
put in a certain position ever again, yet here you are in that very
situation. Or at least so it seems, appearance, though, can be deceptive.
Something has changed you have moved on. You have learnt an immensely
valuable lesson. This month, when you face that old challenge once more, you
will rise to it brilliantly, and, by drawing on your experience, you will achieve
a stunning success. Have faith in what you know and remember this time round
the story is guaranteed to have a happy ending. (©) Cainer.com."
The middle week of November saw me feeling
quite low again. Dispite working with crystals and generally relaxing, I was
still noticably 'raty' until well into Thurday (14th) - three days after
Mondays mayhem. It seemed like my mouth had a mind of it's own, and although
still under my control, I felt as if I was saying any old thing which sprang
to mind. This had been a change to my usualy self - who would definitely
think and choose words before venturing any kind of opinion. Still, this
behavour broke the ice a bit more with a few of my colleagues at work. On the
other hand, this shotgun mind did have it's drawbacks. If I was in a good
mood I found wittisisms and dry jokes flowed, but if I was in a bad mood the
jabs became punches and I found I was shooting people down with hard bullets.
I didn't realise this until, on Wednesday night, I dreampt I was firing various
guns at a hoard of attackers - who eventually turned themselves into 'dark
side' Darth Vader clones. After I ran out of bullets, I was resupplied with
explosives and baskets of bread loaves. I presumed afterwards that this ment
I would replace my gung-ho with more precise explosions of wisdom to blow
their socks off. Thurday was rather laborious until the bright light of Leasa
came to take her position on the Entertainment Desk. Leasa always had the
subtle ability to swing my mood into euphoria by her sheer wit and energy. No
wonder I used to idolise her. I remained restless for the rest of the week,
but a quite lucid dream on Friday night showed me that things wouldn't always
be that way... the future held many gifts to help my wishes come true.
Saturday (16th) saw my energies rising once
more. for one thing, the full moon was only three days away. For another, I
had booked a well deserved holiday from work the next week and I looked
forward to it. I noticed I was much more down-to-earth now - more me -
allowing me to be genuinely friendly towards customers rather than being
falsely friendly - neither of which I'd been for quite a while. Only one fly
on my ointment remained alive - the thought of haveing to come into work half
way through the next week because I didn't have enough holiday time to take
the full week off. Still, Saturday bit the dust and I settled down for a
quite week. The usual formula was followed to the letter - getting up late
and staying up late! A healing session at the Spiritualists helped me feel
great and I actually felt 'together' in myself - but that didn't mean the
world was all hunky-dorey. First my Playstation broke down - just as I was
only the last levels of a game I'd been wrestling with for three months
(Medal of homour2). Then I broke my Internet connection by playing with the
settings. Finally, I noticed the car had begun to leak oil all over the road,
and the oil light reminded me that this needed fixing ASAFP. They say these
things happen in threes. Monday dawned and I got to work fixing these things
up. A budget check confirmed this was the last down-to-the-white-knuckle
month, and I should have a disposable income next month for the first time
since very early on this year. Travelling past the usual car garage I saw the
door was bolted - giving me the go ahead to buy some silicon gel to patched
up the oil leak myself. The Playstation was taken on a tour of the console
shops and I eventually forked-out twenty quid to get that sorted. I even
managed to fix the internet problem. As soon as I got home I plugged in the
Playstation and completed the level I'd been stuck on for three solid weeks.
No more worries! - until...
In the councelling group that night I heard
the words I dreaded the most. No, it wasn't that Dawn didn't want to see me
or anything - quite the opposite. But she did reveal she was a Scorpio! My
heart sank. Only seven days ago, two Scorpio women took me appart. I vowed
not to get mixed up with Scorpios again - I'd learned my lession - or so I
thought. This extra bug flew around in my head and landed on several tender
areas. I felt like this relationship was over before it had even begun. Dawn
carried on talking and said she liked to meditate. She said she had lots of
deep meditations she'd like to try, if only she had someone to do them with.
Once, I would have pushed myself forward for the job. Maybe I could wait
until the next interview.
Just as I was sinking into a warm
time-off-work feeling, in no time at all I was back in Asda. Wednesday (20th)
was the last day of the full moon. I didn't feel full of energy like I
sometimes did at this time, but I knew it was there under the surface. Within
an hour of going into work, my feelings were tempered by all sorts of petty
pre-chistmas tentions suffered by the rest of the staff. I felt a rage
building within me for the first time in years. I'd meditated for half an
hour the previous two nights so I was quite unprepaired for this latest
fluctuation. Thankfully, the evening was a much quieter affair, and I busyed
myself doing as least as possible. Was it that I just didn't want to be there
in the middle of my week off? I'd already anticipated this may happen and was
on the lookout for it - yet I was powerless to stop it when feelings were
rubbed the wrong way. Dispite this upset, the rest of the week was
surprisingly better than expected. That night I had revelations about atoms
and energy, and I got stuck into writing all this down the next day. I hoped
this would be the very first chapter in my very first book. I was proud of my
four-hour long typing frenzy, and this would hopfully spur me onto the rest
of the book. On Friday I noticed the windows had been neglected for the last
five year, so I got around to changing the net-curtains and cleaning them. I
was sure window cleaning had some kind of Fung-Shui/Dream Symbol significance
- and it certainly reminded me of my daily struggle with Awareness. That
evening I was moved to give my Reiki master a call. Tracy, now comfortably
settled on the Isle of Wight, was overjoyed to hear from me again; explaining
that she'd been thinking of me only the day before. We talked long about her
hopes and dreams now she was on the road to bigger and higher things. For one
thing, Tracy was now on the Reiki education board, and would be in charge of
the Reiki curriculum in colleges all over the world. As she explained the
amazing coincidences which lead her to this miracle I realised she was a very
blessed and plugged-in woman. Not even money could stop her. I felt so
confident and relaxed talking to Tracy again, that as she described a dream
house a psychic had told her about, I plugged into the vibe and began to
confirm the psychics story of what the house looked like. I don't think I'd
even used my mind-dreams in this way before - and would never have had the
confidence to present my feeling over the phone like that. A half promise of
a job with her set my heart on fire. If only a real job existed there, I'd
give up my house and my current job to go for it. Something was brewing on that
far island - I felt the tremors every time I spoke to her.
For some reason my small piece of Lapis
Lazuli found it's way into my little crystal pouch this week - and I knew it
would take it's own permanent residence there. I found this crystal had great
potential in awareness and wisdom; and I surely felt better for wearing it.
On Saturday (23rd) I was determined to make more of my time off by visiting
the seaside - and in tipical piscean inspiration mode I set off towards
Lytham/St.Annes on the West coast. Two 'whispers' had reminded me that that
is what I must do more regularly; to get out to the sea and breath more fresh
sea air - and thinking about Tracy on the Isle of Wight only motivated me
more. When I arrived, the sun was already setting on the horizon - the winter
nights were drawing in all too quickly. I took my time to look in a few shop
windows but nothing really made me want to but anything. In the back of my
mind I knew I would love to find and explore more crystals - and the first
shop I went into looked promising. A quick word with the shop assistant found
me back on the street and heading just around the corner to a proper crystal
shop; where I fould a piece of Blue Tiger Eye I'd been looking for. I left
the shop and drove over to Lytham to try to time more crystal palaces.
Eventaully I found the main street and followed the smell of incence into a
side shop and then into a jewellers selling crystals. Surprisingly, I found a
host of things I'd been looking for - including a Sunstone, which cheered me
up as I wore it the following week. The lady running the shop seemed
interested in my crystal and dream work and gave me advice on stone to help
more creative and lucid dreaming. She also explained that she regularly gave
small one-day workshops; often giving quite advanced lessons in crystalology.
Such a mouth-watering opportunity lead me straight onto the internet when I
got home, and I put myself on the mailing-list of the shop in Lytham so I'd
know when the next courses were happening. My hobby was taking on a new
dimention..
On Monday (25th) evening I entered the
college classroom to find only a few students waiting there. The lecturers
were holding a tutorial day, and we were being interviewed one-by-one. While
I waited in line for my turn in the spotlight, I talked to one of my fellow
students about the things where we are alike and the interests we both share.
As usual, the conversation quickly turned into an interesting insight into
this womans personal history, and the events surrounding her private life.
One of the things to come up was this womans feelings towards her boyfriend;
she felt uncomfortable with his enjoyment of staying in - while she enjoyed
going out. I explained that some people like to socialise and some find it
more enjoyable not to bother. I knew I definitely fitted into this group.
Once I would have fought my feelings over this - subconciously being pulled
left and right as to whether I was the one out-of-place in society, or
whether all the people who liked local nightlife were somehow 'wrong'. These
days, I could plainly see that we have the right to have individual needs and
preferences, and that there is no right and wrong about it. 'I'm a quiet kind
of person, so I enjoy doing quiet things.', I explained. She began to
understand my point. I was half way into a conversation with another
classmate; which teetered on the edge of being very revealing; as my turn to
be interviewed came up. What did I really want from the course? That was the
question. I thought about this afterwards and realised what this time in the
classroom was all about. I decided to put even more effort into this avenue
of growth while the door was still wide open every Monday night. All too soon
it would be closed - and my interests may lead me far away from this place.
Dawn was proving to be very interesting that break time. She was beginning
her path of awareness - I could only encourage her and hope she did well.
After break, I found myself on Dawns table talking about Anarchy, Depression,
and being with the present moment - a topic I was to still trying to arrange
in some kind of order.
Dawn entered my thoughts a few more times
that week as I tried yet again to decide whether I should make a move or let
things lie. There were many pro's and con's to this - I seemed to know this
relationship wouldn't last - and yet I seemed to know this would be a good
opportunity not to be missed. Work was becoming a drag again. I was still
trying to make the most of each day, and I enjoyed being whereever I found myself,
but the feelings of the Christmas rush and crush were grinding my nerves
down. I found myself flying uncharacteristically off the handle twice - both
times directed towards the same person. My energies were high as I'd been
sleeping with a large quartz crystal under my pillow (recommended by the lady
in the Lytham crystal shop), but I needed major grounding if this crystal was
to work with my dreams as it was supposed to. But I was discovering more
about crystals every week. This week, a girl I worked with asked if I could
recommend anything to help her get through an aural exam. The only thing I
knew would work well was crystals; so I lent her pink Lapidolite for
calmness, Tiger Eye for courage, Blue Tigereye for confidence speaking, and
my favourite Turquoise for protection. If only I'd thought about including
one of these in my pouch before my anger exploded. With the December
dark-moon coming up in the next week, I'd have to manage my energies
carefully from now on.
Key issue: Back to Spirituality
The first day of December lead my thoughts
towards the future. For some time now I'd been trying to focus on my dreams
as a huge avenue for growth, now this interest took over the reins for the
Awareness of the Moment practices I'd been trying to master during the day.
Dispite this divertion of energy I felt sure that my guides were on my side
every step of this road and the dream came thick and fast. As with all good
lession in life, a dream would trigger a thought process which would keep me
thinking all day. I'd pick up dream books in the morning, think about the
symbology at work, and even come back to the books at night to dicifer
sometimes very complicated yet informative adventures. Every night seemed to
take me a step further into this haze of awareness. Dreams had already shown
me the light around Dawn and how this girl was a lot more fragile and
unconfident than I had first imagined. This night I dreampt of computers. One
was slow but reliable, one was much faster but broke down regularly. I choose
the reliable one but decided to look under the case of the fast one to see if
I could fix anything. This dream was a symbol of my girlfriend desires - I
saw Dawn was the one who would be slow to act but reliable in her way, but I
couldn't stop thinking about who the fast computer represented - a puzzle which
would baffle my wits for a full week. Still, my ambition was high and I
looked to the next weeks horoscope in anticipation:
Horoscope:
"We want wonderful miracles. We all know that such things rarely happen
overnight. Yet we feel frustrated when we have to wait. Think of an acorn
growing into an oak tree. Is this not the most amazing proof of nature's
power to manifest magic? When, on speeded-up film, we watch flowers opening,
chickens hatching or caterpillars becoming butterflies, we are deeply moved. We
forget that in real life, things take longer. This week does not bring the
answer to your every question or the fulfilment of your every need but it
does bring you one big step closer to the fulfilment of an extremely positive
process that can only bring great, lasting joy. (©) Cainer.com"
This anticipation of great upheaval and
insight followed me to Elwins house that night. He had joined with a new
girlfriend himself, and explained how he'd wished for a soul-partner and she
appeared. I said I'd done the same and was hoping my arrival would land soon.
I learned a lot that night about the aspects of the universe and awareness -
as I always did in his house - and this spured my mind onto higher destinys.
This unusual feeling continued it's tyrany
into Monday. I arrived at the collage and sat two seats next to Dawn; the
closest I'd dared to sit before. In the opening round I read out a poem I'd
recently concocted though inspiration from this very group, named I Am:
I am..
======
My mind is like the wind,
Blowing and swirling in all directions.
It rustles the trees of my thoughts,
It dances among the clouds of my dreams,
It sneaks through every weathered crack;
And finds curiosity lingering there.
My heart is like the waves,
Lapping on shores near and far.
It sinks to the greatest depths,
It speaks in rolling rumbles,
It drifts and swirls around jagged rocks;
And finds hopfulness flowing there.
My body is like the earth,
Rolling softly as hill and field.
Covering hidden depths with velvet grasses,
It rises loftily from the smallest stone,
It calmy endures each fading season;
And finds appreciation growing there.
My soul is like the clouds,
Drifting restlessly accross changing skys.
It tempts sunlight through fragile fingers,
It casts rain to cleans with delicate tears,
It climbs to vast heavens beyond tiptoed reach;
And finds peacefulness waiting there.
I later received confirmation that this had
gone down well with the crowd; and Dawn said she especially enjoyed it. The
introduction went around in circles until breaktime. After break we formed
triads to talk about something we found to be negative in our lives but which
actually turned out to be positive. I teamed up with Joanne and Dawn and
sneaked off into another room for a more private conflab. I began the session
by talking about the way I used to hate my avertion to 'going out' for the
night, and now I didn't mind the fact that I didn't seem to fit in with what
the majority of people my age group loved to do with their nights. Now I felt
more confident in myself, and I'd learned so much by staying in and
developing a sence of who I really was that if I were to go out now I'd
probably not worry about 'fitting in'. I began to notice how this
conversation had come up last year on the level one course, and how my
attitude to this subject had changed to a positive one since that time. In my
near conciousness, I was also aware that airing these truths in front of Dawn
would lay a few cards on the table at my end. This game of chess continued.
Dawn was reluctant to speak about anything in her life. I didn't know if she
was a shy person or whether she was unconfident about talking about her past.
I suggested that she talk about her daughter; a quite harmless subject which
would hopefully help build her vocal confidence. After the discussion I
thanked her and made sure she got the message that I really appreciated her
efforts to open up to me. She smiled sweetly and averted her gaze. One pettle
of her flower had opened to the sun.
During the first week of December I noticed
my Awareness, which had risen to a noticable daily level, had now run out of
steam, and instead my dream were becoming more complicated. One night I saw
my deepest hidden self; which had been hiding in a small shake deep within a
cave; was now climbing ladders into the light. I saw my drives were being
uncovered, my hopes were being recognised and my destiny was being shaped by
both of these things. In fact, this point was stressed to me with crystal
clarity - 'be careful what you wish for, because you're wishes have the
ability to shape your future with alarming efficiency. What do you really
want?' My options were open - wide open.
On Tuesday (3rd) I telephoned Asda to find
out whether the new Lord of the Rings Special Edition had come in. This was
double discount day at work and I was determined to buy this video with my
free christmas gift voucher. The video had not arrived even though my hopes
had been casually yerning for it. Instead a familiar voice told me that a man
I had once worked with had died. What a shock, and he had just found out
himself! The man was called Neil and used to be my supervisor when I worked
on the Wines and Spirits department. I couldn't remember a single cross word
spoken between us, he was always fair and straight with me, and I respected
him greatly. He was only 56 when he died, and I'd seen him walking down the
street only a few weeks before. My heart sank for a while and I lit a candle
to remember his life. Funnily, I'd had a dream only the night before involving
a friend who had left his baggage behind him. This was Neil, and I was sure
he was glad to leave the uncomfort of crippling disease in his wake. Later in
the week I found myself drawn to watch the film 'Star Trek 2' on video, and
to remember that how we how we treat death is as important as we treat life.
It was. With a wave of emotion I realised I was a young man, and I hadn't
felt so young in a long time. It was time to remember this and to make the
most of it. The next day, the only two copies of Lord of the Rings appeared
by magic by my side as I happened to be serving on the entertainment desk. If
I hadn't been there at that exact moment I wouldn't have got my copy of the
film this side of 2003. My desires and powers of abundance were strong - so
I'd better be extremely careful, or I'd end up with exactly what I wanted!
Saturday (7th) brought the last surprise of
the week as if the compound the weight of my horoscope. A girl who was
temporarily helping on my department for Christmas decided to make her
presence felt. Charlotte was an attractive girl in her mid teens, full of the
joys of youth with raging hormonal desires. She came onto me just enough even
for my cloudy piscean mind to notice. At last I knew what the fast computer
symbol represented in my dreams earlier that week. The dream was simply
saying 'You will have two attractions and you need to work out (compute)
which of these you will go for. One attraction will be fast and easy, but
will be unreliable and will untimately break down on you. The other will be
very much slower to work with but will be much more reliable.' I was sorely
tempted to open the door to Charlotte for a single night or maybe a weekend,
without interfering with my attraction to Dawn. I knew Charlotte would be
keen to have me, and I did feel an attraction there - maybe this could be a
warm-up session to get me in the mood for the real deal?
I had a chance to find out the very next
day! Mike - Elwins father - telephoned me to say he'd just moved into a new
house, and did I want to come over for the evening. I'd always had a
connection with Mike, and now that Elwin was in a relationship I felt more
comfortable seeing him. I prayed for a message at church but none came. It
had been over a year since I'd had one, but I still enjoyed going on a Sunday
night, if only to feel the energies. Afterwards I went straight over to Mikes
place - quite a run-down house on what looked like a rough street. Inside I
found Mike had made the best of it, and the place was warm and tidy. I settled
down in the chair and we began a series of discussions relating to spiritual
philosphy and theosophy - I was in my element. An hour to two later we went
upstairs while Mike fixed a lamp and drilled a hole in cupboard ready to
expand his new cannabis growing room. We hardly spoke for an hour until all
the DIY had been sorted out. At last I'd found a person who didn't mind
silence! I was more than comfortable to think my own thoughts while Mike
carried on working, and Mike seemed to know there was no tention between us
which needed to be broken with light conversation.
My head was still light from all the energy
I'd been given this week. It was as if I was at a major crossroads, and I
knew the path I'd take needed a major decision. We came downstairs and Mike
pulled out a Crowley deck of cards to shed light on my situation. I picked
out a two cards, one for Dawn and the other for Charlotte. Charlottes card
came out as a positive change, but Dawns card - the very first card I'd drawn
- was the Pleasure card, showing that my dreams would come very true if I
decided to go down that route. I then picked out a card to ask whether it
would be wise to go with charlotte at all. Mike asked 'if I only had one
choice, who would it be?'. I was sure in my heart that Dawns path was the
one. As it turned out, I would gain a lot if I chose to go with Charlotte -
so long as I made it very clear that I didn't want a relationship. I knew
this young girl would grab the opportunity to have a night with me - and this
would bring me back into the whole 'girls' thing slowly and much more
confidently. More cards were drawn. It tuned out that Dawns path; once
cleared of a few personal issues; would lead to a great union and one which
would lead to security, togetherness and even children. My head couldn't take
all this in! Mike had shown that my wildest dreams about this were actually
true. Could I stand this miracle? Mike was so bowled over by the
opportunities laying on my plate that he jokingly repeated 'so are you going
to do this then?.., are you?' I was speechless. If I'd have realised what was
happening at all I'd have shouted 'YES' loud enough to crumble the walls.
Only one block stood in my way - everything would fall into place if I
retained a sence of who I was, and with awareness of the moment. To just 'be
myself' and go at my 'own pace' would give me confidence to manage any
situation and make the most of it. 'You must arrive at Dawns door like a
knight on horseback - courageous, confident, noble. Your main challenges for
this lifetime are to look after your Heart and Harth (house), and according
to the tree of life, this girl will take you along the path you have chosen;
via the moon (Yesod); to your higher self'. Wow, this all made sence, and
suddenly my whole life path was clear. My spirit name - Yarod - made sence.
My affinity with the moon (Yesod) was clear. I was on the path towards higher
things, and according to the spread, Dawn was the chance I'd been waiting for
for so long. As far as Charlotte went, I was still undecided. I felt like I
was cheating on Dawn even before we'd got together! I'd have to see how
things turned out. By now it was past 3 in the morning. I went home on a
high...
It would take a little longer to put these
plans into action. The next night (9th) I attended the couselling group for
what would be our last proper session before the Christmas break. I sat
quietly as a guest speaker came in to talk about the course and what the
assessors would want to see in our course notes. I took my time and didn't show
off my knowledge in front of her like many other punters jockeying for
position. I did notice that when I did say something, the whole class turned
their heads towards me. But there was a niggle in my brain, and it was
nothing to do with the course. I'd left a chicken in the oven at home, and my
intuition finally got around to reminding me that this bird was four hours
old already. Breaktime saw me scrambling back to the car and home to turn off
the gas. When I got back I chatted about my private dramas before break
ended. Dawn wasn't there that day, she was ill, and I remembered that her
daughter had also been ill recently. Maybe absence in this case was to make
my heart grow fonder. The group came back together and were asked the
question - 'What do you do when you are angry/unconfident/irritated etc', and
we formed triads to discuss these questions. Most people acted the same way;
which was a good lession in psychology as well as a lesson in personal
preference. The conversation turned to fears and nervousness, and I explained
that to be in the moment is a great tool to melt fear. 'You dread what's in
the future, but when you get there it's never as bad as you imagine. Let the
future happen and wait and see'. If only I could make more use of this phylosophy,
most of my worries would be over. The session was over quickly and I put down
my psycological mirror for another week. Next week would be our Christmas
night out, and I for one was looking ahead to that.
The second week in December carried on from
where the first began. On Tuesday (10th) I called into the Glory Hole to try
and find a suitable present for my mum. While I was in there I was drawn
towards a large amethyst tree; so much so that I just had to pick it up and
take it. It was the last one Bev had in stock - in fact it was the last one
she could get hold of as the stocks had dried up. This would be great on my
alter. I also bought an angel figurine for my mother, and I knew this would
be just what she'd want. Bev gave me a discount, and the combined cost of the
tree and the figurine came to exactly the amount of money I had in my pocket
- although she (and I) wouldn't have know that! The tree was placed in the
corner of my alter at home and the figurine was wrapped ready for
presentation. But why was I thinking about my alter now? I hadn't done any
spells for months, and my drive for magic was in a very low state. I picked
up a lamp which had been sitting to the left of the alter and placed it where
a clock had been. The three strings of wiccan initiation caught my eye, and
over the next few days I would re-paint them and twist them together in
union. Why I was doing this I didn't know. This all seemed subcouncious, and
I didn't really have any direction with it.. But I christened my new alter with
a 'thank you' spell for my present life and opportunites.
Over the week, the feeling of 'expectation'
flowed like a wave. A new dawn was shining a few glowing rays into my world
and for once I saw the morning light. Things began to flow and I with it. Things
began to make sense, and I made use of them. My thoughts were manifesting the
future quicker than I could keep up with it all; and before I realised that
my chances had come, thay had passed away into history. There was a sence of
awareness I'd never really seem before. What was it all about? How was I in
control of things happening around me? How was I receiving exactly what I was
thinking about? Little things were happening all the time. All I had to
remember was that 'Everything!, happens for a reason'. For example; a word I
wanted to know the meaning of came to light on a television programme -
little things like that were happening by the minute. But just like a dream
interpretation, I was the one who had to work out just why things were happening.
It took over a week before the eye of this storm would blow me on a new
course. In the meantime, I casually wondered about my life, my hopes and old
dreams. What did happen to the girl I wanted so badly? What had happened to
my interest in meditation, and magic? My sleeping dreams were rich with
symbols of explanation.
Back at work, Charlotte was busy trying to
catch my attention. I couldn't help tuning on the charm to keep her
interested, but at the same time I was still holding back for some mysterious
reason only God knows. There were times when I saw my future unfoulding after
taking on this opportunity, and it scared me. But even in the face of
advantage, the doors just seemed to close. On the Saturday (14th) I was salty
from all the tooing and froing and half decided to make my mind up about a
few things. Charlotte came into work and announced point blankly that she
would be on her own that night, and that her parents would be away for the
whole weekend. Lust came to pole position, and I dropped hint after hint in
her path to see which way she would sway. We were in the middle of a bouncy
conversation when the boss came around the corner and rumbled the atmosphere.
Even though the isle where both me and Charlotte was working was spotlessly
clean and tidy, Rachel couldn't help pulling me to pieces over it. I stood my
ground, and even though the untidy parts were actually Charlottes doing, I
didn't let on, and took the full force of Rachels rath. Her words cut me to
shreds, and by the time Rachel left I had taken a major beating. I'd not
stood up to Rachel (or anybody) in a long time. My hands were shaking. My
mind was half in a rage, half in a state of hurt and detrayal. My face was a
storm and Charlotte understood little of what was happening. I turned to her
and tried to explain how I was sensitive to a this kind of thing. I tried to
express my feelings, but was met with unappreciation and was called a 'wuss'
for being too wet. This wasn't where I was coming from, or where I wanted to
go, and I left the isle and Charlotte to take time out.
Rachels interference was for a reason, what
was it? Thanks largly to my crystal thearpy, my energies were in good order,
and I calmed down from this ordeal pretty quickly. I forgave Rachel and
Charlotte and went about my business again. Things were still open for the
night. I'd half agreed to see Dave that night; having bumped into him earlier
that week; but he of all people would understand if I had something more
interesting going on instead. It was 5pm, and Charlotte was due to finish at
6 - so I had plenty of time to casually make arrangments - and if everything
was 'ment to be' (as it seemed to be heading that way) then I'd soon find
myself exploring new territory. Just as I was about to head upstairs for the
afternoon meal, a face from the past came up to take me away from it. Neil
was the husband (and father of two children) of Jennifer - a girl I'd got to
know very well in my days working in the Asda Customer restaurant. Me and her
seemed to fit together like hands and gloves, and working with her made the
job 1000% better and more enjoyable. I thought she was my soul-mate, my one
true love. And then she moved away and I never saw her, or her husband again.
Until... Just a few days ealier when I'd wondered what had happened to that
girl. Was I still carrying a light for her?, and was it true that other girls
just didn't seem to come close? Well, by the magic of my thoughts, I had
attracted the person who would best answer these questions without reigniting
a very old flame. Jenny was doing fine, and the couple were happily married
and living comfortably. My mind was satisfied - but after helping Neil
install a 28" TV into the boot of his car, my time had run out. It was
5:25 and I had just enough time to grab my dinner before the canteen closed
at half past. By the time I'd finished eating and came down, Charlotte was on
her way out of the door. I shouted a cheery 'see you next week!' but it was
too late - I'd just have to invite her back to my place instead - which was
actaully much a much better idea. But if me and Charlotte were ment to get
together, why were things constantly getting in the way..??
My awareness seemed to be getting stronger,
as if I was in the middle of some dramatic changing landscape. My mind and
actions were open. Many new insights came to my mind and more pieces fell
into place. Christmas was only a breath away and I had high spirits for fun
and relaxation. The new Lord of the Rings film was on it's way and by the end
of the week I was keen to see it. Sunday came and I went along to the last
Spiritualist service of 2002. The speaker was actually the woman who ran the
awareness classes on Mondays, and I enjoyed seeing the master at work. That
night I wondered how mediumship works at all. A new theory came to me - which
later became known as the 'prism theory'.
The next day (16th) I happily set off into
Blackburn hoping the Lord of the Rings was showing. It wasn't, but instead I
got to fulful a former wish of seeing the latest James Bond film. The film
was exciting and I came out of the cinema feeling uplifted with cool James
Bond energy. But there wasn't time to linger about as I was almost late for
the last counselling group meeting. But life was taking on a new light. I
KNEW I'd get to the meeting on time, and if I didn't - well, that was for a
good reason. I confidently started the engine and made my way into Accrington
without so much as a 'flap' of lateness tension. The group were all arranged
in the circle as I came into the room, and I casually grabbed a chair and sat
myself right next to Dawn. The Christmas spirit evidently hadn't escaped the
notice of these people, and before I noticed the atmosphere was ripe for a
drink and a sing-song. After the introductory circle; where I told everybody
how glad I was to have cooked myself 25 meals in advance of Christmas to save
me all the bother of cooking during my time off; we brought out our presents
and played pass-the-counselling-parcel. One person began to play a few
Christmassy songs on his guitar, and the rest of us told jokes and played
riddles to keep the mood strong. When the time came to hand out our presents
I pulled out two wrapped copies of 'Would you be Happier' by the Corrs. Who
would I like these presents to? The words of the song were just what I wanted
two people to hear. One was Dawn, the other was a woman named Jayanne. I
could either give these things out to them in person or I could let fate
decide where these things were headed. I let fate decide (sending my personal
wish with it). And you know... Dawn picked up one, and Jayanne - after lots
of swopping of presents by several people, actually ended up with my gift as
well - as if by magic!
A short time later we all retired to the
local pub for light refeshments. I sat in a corner with Linda two seats to my
right and Dawn two places to my left. I wasn't too bothered about getting
drunk, and bidded my time until the crowd thined down and the real
conversations could begin. People drifted off and soon only the dedicated few
were left to come together. I found myself next to Dawn at last and we
chatted for what seemed hours about all things. I was trying to find out just
where we matched, and just how interested I was in this girl. We seemed to
get on well, and yet the sparks weren't really flying as I'd hoped. Sometime
later, her attentions were distracted by the friendly ramblings of our
resident holy preacher (Shaun), and I found myself next to a drunk Linda. She
tried to make conversation, but in her now typical way, ended up trying a
manipulate and twist my mind. When she began to talk about the Devil, things
began to get scary - although I didn't show it. Then she dropped the
bombshell. 'I've been talking to Jesus, and he's told me that I'm your
saviour from the Devil - he sent me to help you!' News of this rang in my
ears and in my stomach for a while. Lindas religious dogma had taken a step
too far and I wasn't enjoying it one bit. Thank god I was still very much
sober. I tried to say something but she told me to 'stop being a counsellor'.
At last she got to her feet and left the building. By now there were only
five of us left - Donna, Dawn, Shaun, Jayanne and myself - and we all agreed
to go back to Jayannes place for a house party. After a brief pitstop at
Asda; where Donna tried her best to attract my attention; we drove over to
Jayannes for an indian meal and a chat. The night was morning before I left
that place. I'd been talking to Dawn almost non-stop for three hours and it
seemed we had a lot to talk about; music, drugs, the Lord of the Rings and
Glastonbury. As I left I kissed and hugged her and wished Dawn a merry
Christmas. I got the impression she wasn't attracted to me, and I too was
having second thoughts about taking things further.
Horoscope:
"You know what is expected of you. You know what other people seem to be
hoping for. Yet do you mind if I ask you a few personal questions? What are
you expecting in return? And what are you actually getting? And what are you
likely to get? A certain situation now seems to be very lopsided. You are
working very hard and someone else is doing next to nothing. Can this be
right? Can it be fair? Why then, are you allowing things to continue in this
way? You have an entitlement to change. The sky suggests it is time you
claimed this..." (©) Cainer.com
While I was in Jayannes place that night, I
experienced a problem which would change my life-path forever! Jayanne had
ghosts. Not the run-of-the-mill hauntings people find in old buildings, no,
Jayannes house was built on top of a cemetery and was packed will all sorts
of entities and mysterious energies. She took me upstairs and gave me a tour
of spook central. There were things moving in every room she said, and
although I couldn't see very much myself I could feel a definite drain of my
energies - like they were being taken away by some evil force. I went into
the front bedroom and contacted a seemingly good spirit who was protecting
Jayanne from these forces. She had tried to get rid of them before - very
unsuccessfully - could I help? I knew Eddie did banishing spells. Surely he
could help. I decided to call him the next day to see what I could arrange. I
hadn't been in contact since late May, and I even told Jayanne that this was
a dangerous thing for me to do since he could make life very difficult if he
wanted to. He was glad to hear from me again and promised to see what he
could do. The day after he called me on the phone about 11:30 at night.
Something serious had happened and he was now quite pissed off about it.
Appearantly, the main entity which was draining Jayannes family had attached
itself to Eddie and was now causing havoc. He strongly advised me to do a
protection spell and to burn Francincense about my place to exorcise anything
which had attached itself to me. I went over to his place and picked up some
Francincense. Was this a reintroduction to magic?
The middle week of December was unusually
quiet for this time of year. I called into Bevs to give her a Christmas card
and was invited to a private get-together of Reiki people on the 4th of
January. Asda was quiet since everybody had made sure all their shopping had
been bought before now. An old friend Stewart came back to work on our
departmant and being around him made life very enjoyable. We had fun together
like our instant friendship always did, and we laughed our way though my last
week at work before Christmas. Charlotte was marked by her absence. If I'd've
seen her I would be tempted to deliver a proposition or two. As it was I
didn't get the chance to think about it - and several people hinted that she
might have been sacked! It was unusual for her not to be here there week
before Christmas. I was still working hard on my dreams, and at last started
to write them down in a dreambook. I had two symbol reference book which I
poured over every morning to try and work out what my amazing adventures were
all about. My dreams were mainly split into two camps these days. Either they
showed my progress with Dawn (broken mobile phones and being bitten by dogs
showing that all was not well there), or they gave me encouraging words for
the future (belts being taken off, scoring goals, drinking from a
fountain)...
On Friday 20th I woke up after a very
interesting dream indeed. I was on a mezzanine floor just above a room in an
open prison. Drawing pins lay on the floor which were tidyed up - and a few
were placed on a large nearby window. I came down from this balcony to
discover that I was separated from the main prisoners by a wire fence and a
control panel was in front of me with three switches. My life would change
depending on which switch I pushed. I couldn't decide which switch did what -
but I was shown what would happen if I pushed the wrong one. I was taken down
a flight of stairs into the general population area of the prison, and all
special privilages were taken away. What did all this mean? The pins
symbolised negative influences in my life - and these it seemed were being
sorted out and placed where I could clearly see them. As to the rest of the
story, I was at a loss until... That night, very late, Eddie called to say
he'd been in touch with a very powerful man who could help Jayanne. He also
said he would be happy to do a money spell for me to make sure I had spare
cash in the bank (for a change!). I thanked him but I didn't know why he
would do this. The phone was put down and he rang again a short time later.
'I've decided I'm going to make you an offer', he said. Then he gave me an
untimatum; either I let Eddie teach me the next levels of magic - or he'd
take away my power to cast any magic at all! Lucy was upset. She said I had
drifted off the path she had set up for me earlier this year, and that my dealings
with Elwin had severely corrupted my mind! Appearantly this all revolved
around Elywins fasination with Alistair Crowley, and the forces which he'd
conjured using Crowleys magik had eaten away to my mind. I couldn't see a
problem; after all, I'd never been drawn to black magic or Crowley - although
I did have to admit to myself that I was interested in the Tree of Life. All
this ran though my head as Eddie persistantly asked which road I wished to
follow. I couldn't decide on the spot as I knew Eddies apprenticeship
techniques were strong at the best of times. I asked every question I could
think of to reassure myself that going deeper into magic was the best option.
My personal powers of 'matter manipulation' had grown; or how had Dawn and
Jayanne managed to get the CDs I wanted them to have? A million things all
showed me that this path was the best thing I could hope for, and that this
opportunity could not be missed. At last I decided to take Eddie up on his
offer. 'Are you ready?' he asked. Mentally I wasn't but in my heart I knew I
almost was. 'We are a force for the good', he went on 'we do not harm any
living thing or use our power for evil - and if you do, I'll find you and
destroy you myself!'. We discussed the rules of the game and what he would
expect of my loyalty. His bitter-sweet words gave me hope, and yet I felt
completely knumb afterwards - like I'd made a major life-changing choice. At
least nothing would begin until after Christmas, giving me enough time to get
my head together over this.
The run up to Christmas was a kind of
winding down period, even though things were plainly still way up in the air.
After taking Eddies advice on board, I set about buying a black candle for my
first spell since before Glastonbury. A second level protection spell was in
order to set me up for the challenges ahead. I worked out my ritual and
performed it over two nights. The next day I felt completely drained and came
down with a cold. But for once I took the rituals less seriously and had fun
with it. I knew that if I was to be taught magic I'd have to see the lighter
side as well as the serious...
Horocope: "Why are comedians always
pessimistic? Because there's nothing funny about faith. Humour represents an
opportunity to face fear or to poke fun at frustration. We laugh when people
point out how silly a certain situation is or how unsatisfactory. We also
laugh when they say something that surprises us or when they connect two
ideas that we had previously seen as separate. Usually, we laugh about the
very things which, under other circumstances, might make us want to cry. Do
we laugh about the things that make us feel deliriously happy? Not in quite
the same way. So, when I tell you that, this week, you face a situation that
is no laughing matter, you need not feel daunted or intimidated. On the
contrary, that's a real reason to smile." (©) Cainer.com
The Christmas break was over in a flash,
and I was instantly transported to the dawn of Christmas day morning where my
mother was waiting to be picked up. We went over to the cemetery once again
to pay our respects to both my Grandad and my Nan - newly decorated with a
black and gold gravestone. I didn't feel depressed to have to got thought
this on Christmas day - unlike last year when I poured my heart out to Alex
on Christmas Eve. Poor girl. We returned to mums place and put on the dinner.
Among my presents was a hand knitted wollen jumper with 13 chakra colours. It
was just what I wanted, and worth more to me than any amount of tacky
trinkets and gadgets. I tried to encourage her to knit more of these knowing
that people would beg for them. When I got home Simon turned up and he said
he'd love a jumper. I said I'd tried to tell mum, but she was having none of
it. Simon was also busy over the new year and was just about to fly off to
Austria for another two week break. I was happy for him, but I could see that
money and greed were taking him away from himself. He announced a new set of
resolutions for next year - more fitness and less drinking. Maybe I could
come up with a few resolutions myself, like getting to work on time. The next
night I dreampt contantly about being late for work. I hoped this was
programming my subconcious with a more healthy behaviour.
I actually quite enjoyed my last Saturday
(28th) of 2002 at work, and discovered the staff were planning a Christmas
meal on Sunday 12th of January - yet another January date to add to next
years calendar, and right between Bevs do and the college residential
weekend. On the subject of college, I decided to pull out the tarot cards
again to reaquaint myself with their faculties and complete my reference
chart after being inspired by Dawn interest in the subject. I looked forward
to teaching my student but couldn't help doing a spread to find out if this
relationship was more than just platonic. No luck. If anything, the Lovers
card came up upside-down to show that things were heading more in the
opposite direction. Why did I have no luck with girls? There was a girl I saw
at work who was geniunly interested - and she looked great - but as she
appeared on my isle to tickle my temptation buds, a call went out to ask me
back to the Home and Leasure desk. When I got back she had gone and I
couldn't find her. Fate always seem to take me away just at these moments -
just as it did with Charlotte. But this was begining to get on my nerves. It
was as if I was bowling down an alley with the sides up to prevent me going
into the gutter before I reached the opportunities lined up at the other end.
This guidance was often reassuring - but also often infuriating to the point
of complete inadequacy. Was it me? Was it beyond my control? I hoped the new
year would shed some light on why all this was for my own good.
I spent most of my efforts over the last
few days of 2002 trying to recover from the cold I'd managed to get after my
protection spell. Because this entity around Jayanne was so strong, and could
attach itself to anything with a high degree of power, I didn't really want
to do any energy or psychic work until this thing had up and gone for good.
This ment no (or very little) crystal work - my main fall-back on the subject
of colds. I tried ringing Jayanne a few more times during the week to tell
her what the next step would be in the process of removing her house guest -
but try as I might I just couldn't catch her. I knew that I was making a
connection to her house (and this 'thing') every time I called so I had hoped
to get in touch by now so I didn't need to bother again. But something was
making sure I kept having to ring back...
The last day of 2002 was a quiet affair as
it hit me that this was the end of another year. I looked back over the
highlights I'd enjoyed this time around :- Glastonbury, Arwen, my holidays in
the Lake District, the wonderful week at the Spiritualist college - and all
the new friends I'd made. Quite an eventful year! And luck! I'd never seen
the like!! There was lots on the cards already for next year - and January
was peppered with ventures and jaunts into the new and interesting. Things
were changing - rather wierdly at times, and often infuriatingly slowly - but
changing all the time. As an extra stimulante to drug my hopes, my lucky
number was 27 - and this year I would BE 27! What this ment I could only
dream.... and I had been doing rather a lot of that recently....
As 2002 came to a close, I looked back at a few predictions pages on the
internet to see if anything they said had come true. Much of it had!
"OVERVIEW:
During the first seven weeks of the New Year, necessity keeps you on task.
Your dreamy personality remains a neutral or background force. You're unaware
of this change until January 18th, when a mirror or photo lets you glimpse
your current self. You might talk obsessively about the new you, although the
urge passes when Mercury goes direct on February 8th. Your unique nature is
an experience, not a display. The Sun reaches Pisces on the 19th in a
festival of completion and emergence. Every impulse has a purpose. This
effect is at its height while all planets are direct between March 1st and
19th. There's no backward movement here.
As Spring begins, you step out of the
spotlight without retreating into the shadows. Those currently in power thank
you for inspiring and encouraging them. Your prestige is more evident after
April 21st. Friends invite you to meddle in their business. But all this is
too good to last. When the Sun enters Gemini on May 22nd and Saturn opposes
Pluto on the 26th, decisions are challenged and gratification is delayed.
Uranus adds insult to injury as it retrogrades on June 2nd, casting a
questionable light on your general understanding of right and wrong.
Your Water energy surges later in the
month, smoothing these wrinkles into fading ripples. Emotional and skin
sensitivity are heightened. Enjoy these carefree days, because after July
23rd, you're out of your element for up to three months. By the end of
August, your secretive nature comes in handy. Hiding things may not be
healthy, but it gets you through a difficult time. Others claim to approve of
your actions in mid-September, but who can you trust these days? Paranoia is
an uncomfortable place to huddle. You should get out more.
Autumn motivates you to flush the toxins
from your system. Fill your void with the energy of good friends and positive
social movements. Most of October seems to be about rebuilding yourself, but
the job is finished by the 20th, when your ruling planet Neptune goes direct.
The Sun reaches Scorpio on the 24th, giving you a free hand and an iron will.
You tend toward excess after Halloween, but this won't matter until the week
of November 17th, when warning signs appear. The Solar Eclipse of December
4th brings much-needed perspective about your place in the world. By the
Winter Solstice, you're back in balance and ready to take on the world.
LOVE:
Like many, you start the year searching for love or improving what you have.
You're self-conscious as Mercury retrogrades on January 18th, falling into
three weeks of awkward outbursts or missed connections. Much of February is
about limitation and freedom, a dilemma for singles and couples alike. After
the 19th, fantasies leak into the real world. The Sun is in your Sign, and
the celestial bodies promote domestic bliss, burning passion, serial monogamy
or whatever works for you. You're spoiled rotten this month. Why can't it
always be this way?
By March 21st, the perfect lover seems
shallow or selfish but, as the queen or king of hearts, you'll overlook these
flaws. A Taurus influence in late April puts appearance before substance,
anyway. Pay attention if you sense trouble around May 13th. Retrograde
Neptune suggests that love is taking you higher when it might actually be
moving out. Couples hit by Spring fever or wanderlust can expect six weeks of
struggle, one-upmanship or goodbyes. June 10th's Solar Eclipse is a vivid
symbol of wounded pride or a failed dream. Don't give up yet. Maybe you can
get it back.
The world brightens in the month after the
Summer Solstice. Estranged lovers make up for lost time, while new
partnerships form through emotional honesty. Passion rises again, although by
July 24th many notice the insecurity that comes with intimacy. Be generous
and forgiving, and hope your partner reciprocates. Some Water and Earth Signs
are already thinking about the future by late August. Others hit the road in
fear at the first whisper of commitment. Decisions postponed until after
Labor Day take on a life of their own. If you're in that position, Mercury
tortures you with doubt as it retrogrades on September 14th.
But when talkative Mercury goes direct on
October 6th, some must deal with unwelcome news. Say it all now, finish the
unfinished and begin the next phase of your love life. Cupid smites you with
a fresh arrow around the 20th. By the 24th, you're dangerous with erotic
energy. Pleasure rules between November 3rd and 19th, with no room for
consequences. Then true love issues a restraining order. Your sweetheart
needs room to grow as a person. Thanksgiving is marked by restless libidos
and roving eyes. Jupiter demands responsible behavior when it retrogrades on
December 4th. Don't spoil the holidays by spilling surprises or opening the
wrong gifts. In time, you'll get what you desire.
CAREER:
You're open for business on January 1st. Time is money, and you're not
wasting either. New projects face their first review after the 18th. Accept
unwelcome input, because customers and stockholders are always right. By the
second week in February, you adapt to this interference. You might even
benefit. People skills and past-life commercial secrets help your career
blossom late in the month. No one knows where you get this, but who cares as
long as it works? In March, you can make a fortune by stating the obvious --
if you do it first. Recent success sinks in at a deeper level after Pluto
retrogrades on the 20th.
The first eight weeks of Spring see
continued enthusiasm and teamwork. You're eating well no matter what your
position in the corporate food chain. Trouble begins when Mercury retrogrades
on May 15th. Vendor relations break down. Hidden clauses show up in binding
contracts. Thanks to the Lunar Eclipse of the 26th, associates take impartial
decisions far too personally. The Sun is already transiting Gemini when
Mercury goes direct on June 8th, which means that rulings may be unfavorable
and certain advantages may disappear. You should have seen this coming. Try
to handle it with dignity.
The second quarter ends with a spike,
possibly putting you ahead for the fiscal year. Workplace morale is up.
Client confidence returns. If you seek personal recognition, be happy with
what you get in early Summer. By the end of July, a new project or crisis
upstages your self-tribute. Even if you enjoy the drama of business, the
situation intensifies. Executives and managers demand more revisions and
system checks in August. Something is happening, and you're not getting the
whole story. Information leaks out when Jupiter opposes Neptune on September
11th. You're relieved or appalled, but at least you know.
Despite internal conditions, preserve your
public image in late September. Stonewalling is acceptable if you'd rather
not lie. Full disclosure is inevitable as Venus retrogrades on October 10th.
With luck, no one is terminated or indicted. Past and current lessons are
soon absorbed, and late October lets you aggressively pursue your career
goals with a clear conscience. Discard antiquated methods and inventory as
Uranus goes direct on November 3rd. By the 23rd, a professional relationship
ends as someone leaves for a new project or provider. Unless you're in
retail, you sense a slowdown for the holidays. Enjoy the break. After all,
career isn't everything.
Your key phrase is "I believe,"
and boy do you believe! Your good heart makes you a sucker for any sob story
or clever line. Don't bemoan your sweetness, just be aware of your naiveté
and resolve to use it your advantage. Make it your goal this year to turn the
tables a bit: Play coy and innocent and then pounce on what you really want!
They won't see you coming." (c) www.astrology.com
"2002 Year Overview
By Satrajit Majumdar
Pisces, welcome once again to my yearly forecast for you for the year 2002.
My last year's forecast for Pisces was that in 2001, you have the Midas
touch. Whatever you do, whomsoever you meet, will turn into a golden
opportunity for you. You will be highly creative in your efforts and the
world will acknowledge the special Piscean touch in every action of yours.
Well creative you have been, but it is for you to judge how much you did
actually achieve during the year 2001 in spite of the recession and the
global war against terror.
As I scan the Vedic sky as the clock
strikes midnight on the New Year's Eve. I find Jupiter is in your 4th house,
the house of happiness and well being. No matter, what the level of material
success you might have achieved or you might not have achieved, the presence
of Jupiter ensures that you are content and have a great sense of well being
within yourself. Jupiter is in Gemini, the air sign, and the sign that
prompts you to dream. Pisceans, no matter what is happening in the world
around you, your ability to dream remains intact. This is you biggest asset
that carries you on in spite of all your inconsistency, dependence and
contradictions. Saturn is still in your 3rd house, the house of initiative,
courage and communication.
Saturn's 2 year's sojourn in your 3rd
house, has made you a prolific communicator. It has given structure and
substance in your communications. You will continue to use the power of
communication to express your body, mind, and soul consistently and effectively.
This had been the key to whatever level of success that you have achieved so
far. As the year proceeds, Jupiter will move to your 5th house, the house of
creativity and intelligence. What more can you bargain from the transit of
Jupiter in your life? Jupiter will bring the wisdom and intelligence in your
communications and in your dreams - the sword with which you would possibly
conquer the world.
Saturn will also move into your 4th house
in July 2002, will restore some order and structure in your domestic life,
which might have been disturbed or damaged when the expansive Jupiter was
reigning in your 4th house. Pisceans, you love chaos and confusion so entry
of Saturn to restore order may cause some feelings of hurt within yourself.
You may cry in anguish that your freedom is gone, but it will be a temporary
feeling of loss of well being. A little order discipline and responsibility
is called for, this will only make you more productive and at the end of the
day, your success will be more measurable, and your creativity will also get
channelized to useful products and services. This is the key challenge for
you during the year 2002. You will be able to conquer the world provided you
are willing to channelize your creativity by disciplining your thoughts and
dreams.
Your New Year Resolution
"I shall discipline my thoughts and my dreams to channelize them into
useful products and services."
Month by Month Outlook
January 2002
Key issue: Spirituality Vs Materialism The key challenge for you this
month will be spirituality and ethical action on one hand and the mundane and
material success on the other hand. How do you harmonize the two will be the
key issue for you during this month. Stick to the ethical. Your intention
must be pure; a compromise on realism will be acceptable.
February 2002
Key issue: Time for Introspection This is the month for introspection
and not for action. Think and introspect how you can direct your creativity
to more useful and ethical pursuits. You have to think differently the old
ways may not work for you any more.
March 2002
Key issue: Creativity Versus Realism This is your birthday month.
Spend as much time in spiritual pursuits, prayer and worship. During the
second half of the month, you must set about to fix your goals for this year.
You have to find the golden mean between creativity and realism. Remember all
that are creative are not useful for your life. All that are useful for your
life are not creative enough for you to pursue.
April 2002
Key issue: Financial Security Remember, nothing can be achieved unless
you and your family are financially and materially secure. Evaluate the best
options and the right strategy that will ensure your financial and material
security without compromising on the basic goals of your life.
May 2002
Key issue: Focus The crying need of the hour is focus. Focus on your
goals and focus on your methods on how do you wish to achieve your goal. You
are being pulled in different directions. You have to resolve the contradictions
between what is possible and what are your desires and dreams.
June 2002
Key issue: Time for Action The period of introspection and focus is
over. It is now time for action. Take concrete steps to realize your dreams
and goals in life. If it means change of job so be it. Change of residence--
move out. Change of relationship, seek new partners.
July 2002
Key issue: New Dawn This is the beginning of a new dawn in your life.
Time has come to conquer the world with your dream and creativity. Your
ruling planet Jupiter has moved to its exalted sign Cancer. Saturn is also
supportive and will take care of your day-to-day needs.
August 2002
Key issue: Creativity at Peak You are now at your creative best.
Express your ideas to people all around you. The world will surrender at the
altar of your creatively and love. Great month for love and romance!
September 2002
Key issue: Transaction Meet people. Exchange ideas. Seek transaction
partnerships and alliances. You cannot conquer the world all by yourself like
Don Quixote.
October 2002
Key issue: Defend Yourself Confront the issues that are creating
difficulties and obstacles in your path to achieve you goal. Fight and defend
yourself.
November 2002
Key issue: Uncertainty A weak time, personal resources of health,
energy and finances might be low. Try not to do too much on your own.
Increased fatigue and sickness is possible. Speak up. Don't get overlooked at
work. Possible embarrassment or scandal. Venus is retrograde; you can be
either a sexual celibate or a sexual celebrant but then avoid scandal.
December 2002
Key issue: Back to Spirituality You need to strengthen yourself and
rejuvenate yourself. Go back to your spiritual roots. Meditate and pray, at
least spend as much time with nature as possible. Pilgrimage to a seaside
will be the best. It will rejuvenate you and will strengthen your spirit once
again.
May God bless you in all your
endeavors!" (C) sg.cyberastro.lycosasia.com
"Not by coincidence but by star luck,
Valentine¹s Day kicks off a month long period of love and romance for you.
The best places to find a dream partner are artistic or cultured venues. You
meet someone who shares your interests anywhere genteel or elegant between
January and July. Not only that but someone whose laughter drives you mad
actually attracts you to their heart.
Serious family commitments continue to
characterise this entire year. Older folks who are dependent on you mustn't,
however, be allowed to stop you from living your life. Whether this seeking
extra help to give you time off or what, the point is don't look a gift horse
in the mouth. This is also the year to buy property for you or your
offspring. If you need a little light relief, take a trip any time between
mid-May until mid-June.
If you are thinking of passing on an
inheritance to others, why not spend it on you? After all the progress you
made last year, you have earned the right to coast along and enjoy life's
ride. Why not spend the first three weeks of January looking at your finances
and seeing how you can make it work for you. If you're in the market for a
job, part time or whatever then with your ruler Jupiter in the creative part
of your chart, look no further than your own natural abilities for you have
the potential to make a small fortune - and be happy doing it. Overseas
investments or real estate are favoured throughout 2002, maybe by Christmas
next year you'll be soaking up the sun?" (C) www.live-astro.com"
"Number 7
Rest and relaxation are the right non-action words for this New Year. If your
money situation allows you to take a year long vacation, then do so. If you
are like most people, that will not be the case, so what you must do is to
take it as easy as you can and remember that you can be anywhere you want to
be in your imagination. This is a year for paying careful consideration to
your thoughts. You will likely feel alone many times this year. What you have
to do is to keep your mind occupied so you won't be so lonely. Having time to
yourself can be a good thing. Emotions are affected, sometimes adversely.
This is not a year to worry about material wealth." (©) Insight2020.com
"You were in a "7" cycle
- The start of your fruition cycle. You reap the
rewards of your efforts.
- If you have a sensitive nature, you are apt to
feel this sensitivity more this year.
- Do not worry if conditions seem very unsettled
and fruitless during the first half of this year.
- Work hard anyway, for the months of July or
October, according to your efforts, could bring a favourable settlement.
- Test months: April, June -- only detailed
routine activities should be worked on. Take care of personal safety and
avoid starting anything new."
(©) Kabalarians.com
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