Invisible Destiny
A Life Story - By Daniel Waddington
Part 2 - The Dawn of Grace (2000)
| Jan | Feb | Mar | Apr |
| May | June | July | Aug |
| Sept | Oct | Nov | Dec |
Me - The Hero?
5, 14, 23, - luck with trials of intellect, spirituality, & change
First there was a talk and a brief history, then came a meditation followed by lunch and another meditation. Sometimes I thought I could see colours, other times I felt like I has at peace and in control, but after the second meditation I also had something else - the gift of reiki healing. Accepting a kind offer from one of the four other classmates, I was home again and got to work on the car for the next day.
"How's the going going?", he asked as he scribbled what passed for a signature.
"I've had problems since I bought it", I replied as I tried to describe the many points of interest. "But I'm hoping everything will work out soon."
Oh everything would work out all right! Papers in hand, I left and drove around the corner to make my way back to the main road.
"I'll just see if this new Distributer works any better now" I thought as I turned the corner onto Avenue Parade. The speedo went up... 10, 20, 30, 35...
"I can live with this for a now, I can always get it fixed up when I get more cash."
Screech!....BANG!
"I could sell you that Orion cheaper than it would be to fix this one." We both gazed at it; my mind still couldn't take it all in. "It's H reg and a good runner, you can have it for two-nine-five."
After a good few minutes of "What if"s and "What about that"s , I finally convinced myself that this would be the way to go; it may even be cheaper on the insurance. So I
paid £200 up front (my last reserves of free overdraft) and walked home with new hope; even though it would probably take the rest of the year to pay for it all.
I'd never been so grateful for the spreadsheet, and after quite a lot of cost cutting and making-do, I came out with a budget I might just manage. Then the phone call came - it was Simon; the brother of the guy who sold me the car had just called to say the crash victim had been looking for me, and because the vehicle
registration hadn't been posted off yet, he had gone to the old registration address by mistake - out for blood
apparently. Things went from bad to worse, and half an hour later fate brought him knocking on MY door, or rather the victims son knocked; the dad was obviously 'too shaken' to come himself. As I feared from the phone call, both cars were now right-offs, and I for one was loath to worry the insurance people about it. The son was a kind and understanding man, and thankfully appreciated my side as I begged and negotiated the situation. At last he left with an
apology and a phone number; vowing to let me know whichever direction the wind was blowing. I now had two options open to me; I could either chip in the money to help the guy repair his fathers car, or I could give them the new orion and call it square. I needed to get drunk.
Around this time I found within me quite a new kind of feeling; one which I hadn't felt at all for a very long time. It was like a loving, joyful emotion which welled up every time I focused around my heart area; like a small hole had been knocked out of the wall which hold all this stuff inside. I meditated on it hoping to make these cracks bigger - it seemed to work a little. This really was a major help and one which I hoped wouldn't fade away in a few weeks time. Kit also recommended I start a diary, and the file you are now reading is the sum of that advice.
It's time to stand on your own two feet, even though you have plenty of pals who are willing to do your dirty work. Otherwise, you'll never gain the self-confidence necessary to develop your talents. An overprotective relative could be responsible for your timidity. If so, know that they had the best intentions." (c)2001, Russellgrant.com
More, good news. Asda has finally accepted me onto their First Aid course. It had been looking like the positions had been filled; and the fact that I was later for work 80% of the time wasn't helping my chances. Then fate showed up.
Apparently one of the night shift workers was unable to join the program after all, opening a position on the waiting list. A few words into the right ears and the training was mine!
Girls are starting to appear stronger now as my heart begins to open - I seem to be drawn to them more every day - thank the gods! I have also found the 'hole in my heart' is still there - if only at the same size, it helps a great deal and I even found a 'feeling' approaching as I chatted to a female customer. Where does it come from? The Bowen, the meditation, the reiki, the crystal healing? Am I actually starting to love myself? I prayed for the guides to sent me strength; it actually seemed to work, and
Saturdays meditation also seemed to clear my thinking quite a lot. It makes quite a change.
Horoscope: "This has the potential to be one of your best months of the year. You will have a very strong sense of who you are. This is not always the easiest thing for the Piscean because you are so busy absorbing the feelings of others that often, you do not know if what you are feeling are your feelings or those of another. You must learn the difference between the two and this can only be done through steady and strong self awareness. At times this requires you distancing yourself from others so you may get securely centered before trying to help another with his/her problems."
My third installment of Bowen went without a hitch today, and I felt more relaxed than ever. I hadn't been expecting miracles from the teatment, after all, all the other treatments hadn't seen much
improvement, but I explained about the feelings in my heart.
"Sometimes it's better not to imagine fireworks. Those who do tend not to have great effects" she explained "but the ones who expect least often get the fireworks they needed. Some people try to push too hard against the treatment, and forcing it to work, with Bowen you much let things happen in their own time. I know you've been using reiki on yourself but try laying off for a bit - giving your system too much energy like this is like trying to crack a nut with a sledgehammer, and try not going as deep with the meditations as well."
I thought some of this sounded a little obscure given that positive thinking nearly always makes the difference between success and indifference. Maybe in this case it would be different.
The day was plain and ordinary. I could feel the energy in my lower back and in my chest if I focused, but the waves of gladness were over. After supper I stumbled over a long lost bag of
marijuana which had been well hidden since last summer. I didn't smoke all that much anymore, not since giving up for the new year, but tonight I needed to relax a bit.
Marijuana has the effect of helping my mind to escape into the either, sometimes connecting with insight and knowledge I couldn't reason with thought alone. Sometimes it promotes a kind of clear thinking, there everything is seen as reality, good or bad. Sometimes it just makes me forget to be me for a while. I bonged into the night. It was 2am before I sloped off to bed, but I was happy - that's always a good sign.
Then something magical happened. As I lay thinking and letting my mind wander there it liked, a few moments of insight fell my way.
"If whatever I believe becomes the truth," I reasoned "and I believe it without a shadow of a doubt, then I can convince myself of anything.... How old am I? I think I feel 35 on some days, 40 on others. Yeah, people always say I have an old soul, maybe I act old because I've been around and seen a lot before. But hold on, the body is only 25... Having a brain full of mature ideas just means I am a developed 25 year old. Having an old soul doesn't mean have to act old, even though I do.
That's just the depression. The soul is just my guide to spiritual matters - nothing to do with the way I am. I am not physically 40, I'm not even mentally 40, I'm 25! If I had gone to university, I'd have only graduated 3 or 4 years ago. Wow, I'm still only 25! I feel young.. I am young again. I can be any age I want to be, but right now I
haven't felt 25 for a very long time. Wow. "
Now my whole body seemed to rise out of itself. My head felt as it the top had been blow off like a volcano and my mind flowed out like lava, filling the air around me with it's billowing escape.
"I am not depressed anymore." I thought without a negative doubt in my head. "It's all gone, up into the air. The crown chakra is responsible for SAD and depression problems, I think I've just unblocked myself! blown them all out with a bang. Wow, I'm cured...!"
With so much positivity flowing though me (and out of me) I could feel a huge change taking place. I felt fantastic, and then I fell asleep.
"I'm younger than almost everyone I know. They see me as a young man, a novice, I am.... I don't feel depressed anymore. Thank the gods I can realise it now and make the most of the rest of my life." I thought, actually smiling to myself "but even if I were older, I could still find that young person inside. The fact that I am physically and mentally 25 is going to take a lot to get used to!". Primal Screams 'Movin' On Up' played and I began to cry.
When I made it to the bathroom mirror, I looked and for once didn't notice the things I hated about my face. I saw a young man looking back, with light blond hair, blue eyes and a warm smile. "oh, this is going to be hard to get used to - no it isn't! Its going to be easy!" I was beginning to learn how I could use brainwashing techniques and positive mental attitudes as a real advantage. It's all in the mind.
All that day I had to remind myself that I was in fact 25 years old, almost fresh from school. I had been used to acting and communicating as an old man, now I could feel and act younger for a nice change. I began to laugh at things at work for the first time in maybe 3 years. My sense of humour began to kick in again and I started
impromptu conversations with people My head felt like a mushroom, still light and airy from the volcano the night before, but I had found a new side of me that I had been looking for for 5 or longer years. The fountain of youth is inside within us all it seems - I drank.
That night the sides of my mouth ached with the pain of smiling all day.
"Unfortunately we do not feel that the CAB would provide an appropriate volunteering opportunity for you at the present time given the nature, range and volume of our current casework."
It was obviously not meant to be. I was disappointed for sure, especially thinking back to those positive horoscope reports that had been appearing this month. But then they did make sense, especially the point about "At times this requires you distancing yourself from others so you may get securely centered before trying to help another with his/her problems." Perhaps the chance was there but I wasn't centered enough at the time; I know I wasn't. But now things were different. Yeah I was still working for pittance at ASDA, but now I was not depressed, I was ME! Thinking positively again I decided that careers come and go, and as a Buddhist might say, careers are material goals that only prove to be
un-noble personal torments. There is always time.
On a lighter note, the rulers of fate passed to me a set of detailed Astrology books, containing everything from
Tarot and divination to runes and symbols, egyption, hebrew, indian astrology, and everything in between. I flicked through the pages, wondering how long it would take a serious person to actually read though it all - at least a years hard work. Then I remembered something clairvoyant No.2 said about me learning the arts of astrology. At the time I dismissed his claims as I had, until that point, only a very passing interest in the subject. Now this was about to change.
I'd run out of corners to cut, so I phoned around the 'bill people' to find out if I could claim any money back. First off I rang the gas board hoping to find some good news.
"With you're new meter reading, Mr Waddington, your account balance now stands at four pounds and thirty-five pence." said the VDU operator at the other end; so
no luck there then. Next I tried the electricity board.
"Thank you for holding Mr Waddington, I can now tell you that your balance stands at twenty-six pounds and fourty-five pence.", Eureka!
"Can I claim that back please", I said with audible relief.
"Certainly, you will receive the cheque within 3 to 5 days."
Looking back over my figures, and including an emergency £7.50 I had left in a spare account, I still needed to cut £25 off the budget just to end up with -£100. A bit more off the electricity, a bit off the card I used to get lunch with, a bit more off the shopping budget (leaving only £15 for a month!) and I made it - nothing would be sold or disconnected and I wouldn't be on the streets.
That same night, I was also treated to a very special gift. A colleague from work was getting rid of a collection of astrology
folders to make room on his bookshelf - and did I want them for free? Yes I did, although I really had no interest in learning the subject up to that point. I remembered what Ron said about learning the Tarot, but it wasn't until December that I'd get any real motivation to pick up the skill.
"You know man, there are a few jobs going at our place." he said with ever-present enthusiasm. "they need a few more people now that I'm going back to Uni; and you don't need too many qualifications. Here's the number, just ask for an application for an Admin Assistant. And I'll give you the address of this guy as well.. this is the area secatariat who sorts of these vacancies, just send him
you're CV with a covering letter... send me you're new e-mail and I'll send you some more stuff!"
"I've got nothing to loose" I replied, still high on the dose of enthusiasm oozing from every corner of Taz. Later I wrote a cover letter on the Asda Staff Computer and double checked the postal address on the internet. I also looked up this weeks horoscope:
Spend this whole weekend catching up on e-mails, phone calls, and letters; it's vital to stay connected to others. Your communications will pay off by early June. A job opportunity, new dwelling, or romance could fall right into your lap thanks to your diligence. Attitude is crucial to your happiness, having a negative approach perpetuates depression and pessimism. If things have been tough then maybe, just maybe, you¹re pursuing a duff line which has led you to a dead end. Time to follow a new dream or direction, one which you're cut out for and takes into account your natural talents. (c)2001, Russellgrant.com
After that I went over to my mothers and waited around until she came home from work. Amazingly, and after many years of trying, she had actually gone some way to selling our old house; now all she needed was a place to move into! Great gran was now settle in her new place and hopefully things would settle down after this. I left mothers and after a grief
relaxation in the hot May sunshine, I set off to Maundy Grange to tell Dorothy I would be unable to attend any more. Rather than go half-heartedly and whenever I could get a break from my packed afternoons, I though it would be best end it now and save anybody depending on me being there. I had never been of much help there - I never did get the chance to talk to anyone or help out much, at least I help fold a few leaflets for them before I left that evening.
It was too late to pay a weekly Tuesday visit to Beverly now, the shop was all closed up and I'm sure her husband had a bit of a grudge about me talking to her about things he really put down to 'mumbo-jumbo', but at least I had a chance to go to the
Buddhist centre tonight. A Mitra ceremony is a very special occasion in Buddhist
circles as it marks the entrance of a dedicated new recruit into the order. On this
occasion, two friends of mine, Pauline and Ann had decided to take the step towards buddahood and show their commitment by becoming Mitras (friends). They were quite nervous, as were the family members who had also joined
tonight's group, obviously realizing the significance it all. I could understand if they thought they had entered a strange new world;
Buddhist events such as this are always steeped in mantras, prayers, affirmations and chants all spoken in the original Sanskrit form. The room hummed with vibrating tones and I loved to join in, even though I hadn't the
foggiest of what I was actually saying, but rather than meditating on the sounds as I usually did I found I couldn't get carried away or I'd miss seeing
everybodys part being acted out. I wished I could have afforded a gift to give them both, so I gave them Metta instead; consoling myself that at least this wasn't an impermanent trinket as the others had given. At least I managed to find a potential applicant for Tracy's Reiki 1 class.
"Do you fancy coming over to the center for the Wesak event?" he asked.
"What's it all about?", I yawned
"It will be a day of meditation and chanting to celebrate the attainment of enlightenment the Buddha, there will be a vegetarian meal at 6 and there will be reading and stories about Buddha... would you be interested? I'll be setting off in 10mins if you need a lift."
Of course I agreed - what else was I planning to do on an otherwise boring Sunday? It would also mean a chance to meditate on a nice sunny afternoon, and as it turned out was the first thing we did. The time was right; the conditions and surrounding factors were right; I had the sun on my back and I needed to meditate; I meditated and it was good. There were only four of us in the room, but all dedicated to the task at held, so it wasn't hard to fall deeply into an altered state to
consciousness. All through it I remembered what Ken had mentioned about his high
expectations on retreat, and how they had lead to disappointment, so I just let things lye without pushing or expecting anything in
particular. After several visualizations I realized that I clung onto the images like some kind of magic cure for poor meditations - like I expected to see them. So I
dropped this preconception and drifted off into the wide, blue yonder.
After that, my day was made, but after lunch we followed another meditation with a graphic account on the way the Buddha received enlightenment, and what he saw. Although I could explain away most of this with my Meta Bavanah theories, there were still some things which made me think "You know, I may be completely wrong about this." I wished that my direction would open again, as Ron said so wisely 'Ask and you shall receive'.
I woke quite late and checked my particulars on the internet to find an interesting horoscope. I knew exactly what it
meant, Simon hadn't been in touch for a few weeks now, and now that he had found his niche in society (fueled by Money, Football and Lager) he was loath the face up to the old lifestyle of walking and talking we once enjoyed in the summers. So I gave him a call and it turned out he needed a favour after all - his car heating system had started leaking and 'could I run him to work the next morning'. Although it
meant an early start I agreed, and managed to barter the loan of a car radio and of course the petrol money for doing it.
There had been a girl in my thoughts recently; it was someone off the First Aid course and although I knew she had a
permanent boyfriend I was still wondering why she was hovering around me all day yesterday. It must be a passing fancy, I I certainly wasn't going to make any moves at this time, so I put it to the back of my thoughts any busied myself all day pulling the weeds from my, and next doors garden. The first signs of summer where here at last! and I felt really good about everything again.
Something else happened around this time. As I pondered the meaning of spiritual
Enlightenment I was aware that everything made complete sense, and that the path was simply a way of connecting ones awareness to the vast collective
conscious awareness (life-force) of the universe. After this revelation, the souls of my feels started to tingle furiously, similar to how Reiki earthed my feet. So I decided to do some Reiki thinking that this would go away - it didn't, it took quite a while longer to fade.
My interest was now starting to build again as several books came into my possession. First came a book on dreams by Betty Bethards which reaffirmed my beleifs in 'the light' and the passage of existence. Then more spiritually related books and photocopies followed, and all of a sudden I had 5 books I wanted to read all at once.
The second half of the evening was less impressive. We were talking about devotion and motivation towards Buddhism, ending with a short Puja (devotional affirmations) to help stimulate our commitment towards the movement. I knew several members were having trouble with the whole idea of Buddhist devotion, and some didn't even get involved with the proceeding at all. Although I liked to join in with the chanting, I let it slip that I had my own ideas about who or what I was aiming for; things not entirely linked with Buddhism. I
couldn't go on attending these meetings knowing I now had a completely different agenda in mind; almost every book I was drawn to was now telling the same story, surely there were groups around who shared this spiritual belief system... I silently vowed to seek out information on local Spiritualist groups.
It's been three months now since I was attuned to Reiki, and the time is now high for me to receive my second level attunment. The cost was £75, and the money had been in the bank waiting for day for quite a while now. This was now an essential rather than an optional, and now it was only a week to go... I was getting rather excited, and at the same time humbled to know that I could use such a power to help others. I was using reiki more and more these days, there were 12 plants on the windowcill which where rotated each day so that they individually receive about half an hours boost. I had also used it on a very sick plant which lives in the bathroom - the soil was very poor and the roots were being strangled in a pot far too small. Mum had assured me that it would be ok for a while yet, but by now I knew better, and certainly knew a lot about plants.
In the evening I was treated to another revelation, which didn't exactly do my Buddhism practice much good at all. The previous head and founder of the movement (the Friends of the Western Buddhist Order) appeared on one their update videos, along with the rest of the news relating to world FWBO events. As he left the screen for the last time, I realised that he wasn't infact an Enlightened being, he didn't possess the faculty of Enlightenment. This was surely what the purpose of meditation was all about within the movement; to attain the same knowledge and understanding which the Buddha had once enjoyed; but looking at this guy, who had obviously meditated on thousands of occasions, has translated many Buddhist texts and had gone so far as to create his own worldwide movment, and yet is still not Enlightened! Surely if this not enough, and such a dedicted man cannot acheive the possible, then it much not be so possible after all; or at least not so possible using this method of attainment. He had translated books and transcriptions sure, and he had furthered the availability of Buddhism beyond doubt, but he was not a guru, not an all-seeing, all-knowing, connected to the universal mind kind of Enlightended being. I talked this over with Ken, and he too took this information with a pinch of realisation, even though he had recently shown his commitement by applying to become ordained (a full practitioner, complete with a new name). I also took the opportunity to show my true feelings about my spiritual direction, and that I would hopefuly seek out a more spiritualist group sometime time the future. It also seemed like I was sowing a seed of doubt within the group, and even tonight I has altered the thinking of Ken himself a major player, so wasn't I better off leaving for pastures new. Ken agreed partially and shook my hand for the first time as we parted.
The second stage in this dream took place as 'we' took a walk along the moors and back down the hill towards 'civilisation' below. On the side of the hill there were people on very high swings, swinging far out off the edge and into sudden death if the worst was to happen. There were others on a roundabout. These people treated their lives emotionally swinging from one thing to the next without a blanace or a way out of the action-reaction games. As we walked further down, there were more characters, this time building a wall and my guide explained 'the government doesn't know they have got this far with the foundations and the wall'. This either ment that society was putting up a barrier between themselves and the government or between themselves as groups of individuals. I walked on alone, sloshing my feet in the path that had now become an ever growning stream of water (the life-force and healing), which was about to flow into a dry, dusty town...
This all made sense in some kind of way, I wrote it down and then went to work. Only two days to go before I was attuned to Reiki level 2, surely things would be plain sailing until then. Then I came accross the first aid officer.
"If you go into my office you'll find my desk in the corner." she instructed, "Look in the second drawer down and you'll find your first aid bum-bag."
I knew as soon as I strapped the thing around my waist that this ment the real deal, and a test was about to come my way. Sure enough, about an hour before I was due to finish there came a first aid call to the customer help desk. At first I approached the service staff, hoping that it would just be a minor accindent, a cut or a bump or something, but as soon as I saw the customer I was hit by a much larger feeling of dread. A suspected heart attack was happining in a chair in front of my eyes and my mind started to run round in circles without landing anythere useful. A few things eventually came back from the first aid course, but all this was happening while the patient steadily got worse. Finally another customer took a bit more charge of the situation and called for and ambulance while I continued to hope that 'he's going to recover in a minute' and that I could just wait and see. By the time the paramedics came in I was glad that the situation was now going to be taken away from me, and was still unable to speak when one looked at for for some kind of progress report. Of course it took me quite a while to recover after that. Everything I should have done drove me crazy and I at least knew that the next instance would be handled with hindsight.
That night I wished I could get drunk and drop it all; but I couldn't because of the Reiki; so I just grounded myself with more reiki and went to bed early wishing that my guides and angels would come down that night and help me out.
Something must have worked because that night I dreamt I was drunk, crossing a bridge, and seeing a human powered airship (my own spiritaulity). The last words I heard before I awoke was 'first aid' - and I was mentally free from incident, so I knew something had been resolved.
I also took the opportunity to write a wish list for a new job. One which I enjoyed doing and once which employed my new skills as much as possible. The new reiki symbols were also added to the sheet to add a little more weight behind my groveling requests, and then I ripped it all up.
"You'd completely gone from your body," exclaimed one woman "it felt like there was nothing in there to give reiki to."
When I returned to my body (I didn't really think I had been away as I was still aware of things) my inside seemed to tingle like the fire of angel dust deep within me; and this gradually spread though, and tingled my entire body until I was sure that those around me could feel it too.
"How many guides do I have?" I enquired expecting to hear that Gabriel was my only guide.
"Six", came the reply.
"What are they called?"
"Gabriel, Timothy, Matthew, Paul, Mark and Anthony."
Finally my mental strength was wavering as I become more and more concious of this amazing 'trick'. When I did come down to earth I took a huge deep breath and swallowed down a lake of saliva before I opened my eyes. This was a strange kind of meditation.
The cards as usual were bang on target with my feelings and my situation, yet nether reading indicated any 'bird of paradice' kind of dreams coming true, so I left it at that. I'd already asked my 'source' the night before when it would be best to aim a partner, and they said to wait until after the career had been sorted. Careers....
"Oh how's your Daniel she said. He doesn't live with me anymore I said, but he's going alright, he doesn't have depression anymore and he's into all this spiritual stuff and reiki healing. Oh, she said, can you get him to have a word with my daughter, she's had to book herself into hospital a few times with depression, get him to come over."
This was a turn. I agreed to it and would go down as soon as mum got around to finding out her address. He mother was a spiritualist and went regularly to a spiritualist church. This got me thinking again... Anyway, Simon was visiting this afternoon and help with this damn application form, so I'd get to see this new house all day tomorrow.
Back on the road to discovery, I took another section of the book to heart that night as I negotiated an understanding with myself. The book recomeded imagining lifes choices as gates in a warm and sunny lane. To walk though these gates of hope would show me what would happen if things indeed went that way. So I tried it. First I opened the well oiled metal gate of 'admin assistant with the CPS' and saw a green meadow streaching into the distance. The second gate of 'reiki practitioner/therapist' opened to a similar view. Then I opened the creaky old rusty gate of 'an unknown option not yet considered' only to find first blackness, then just fog all around. So I returned to the first gate and this time took a walk into the meadow. This was the easiest option so far but I wasn't entirely surprised to find myself in a sand bunker in a field of bunkers. So back to the second gate, and walking through I soon found myself climbing a grassy hill. At the top of the hill was a castle. Wow, was this actually what I was going to do? It sounded unbeleivably good, and from that moment on I hoped for some light to guide such a 'chance in a million' position to my feet.
Later that day I ended up on the internet for about two hours longer usual, in fact I only used the thing about 20mins at the weekends so something was obviously pulling me deeper. Casually I tried to track down a few interesting links, not paricularly getting anywhere fast. Finally I stopped searching and clicked on a few mysterious bookmarks I had added meaning to check them out later. One was a place called Open Mind, Open Heart (.com) which I couldn't remember anything about. It was a kind of spiritual site without spirituality, and relied for the most part on contributions from a guy called Scott Morrison, who quite obviously knew quite a bit about the world as he saw it. He answered the old questions 'what is enlightenment' and 'why are we here' like some kind of radical who had happened to find an easy path through the jungle. All the same it got me thinking. He explained that what we seek in our goals of satisfaction and liberation from sufferings are in fact all meaningless. "To be enlightened is simply to be absolutely, unconditionally intimate with this moment. No more. No less." And all paths led to the same understanding of this fact and in a nutshell:
"The subtle, vast and unending truth of it will reveal itself only when all talking, thinking, hoping, and speculating about it ceases - entirely. In the absence of all mental and emotional striving, with all of its longings, frustrations and disappointments, its break-throughs and its trivializations, the precious, delicate intimacy of what IS is discovered."
The more I realised everything I wanted was in no way going to get me any nearer contentment, the more I started to look at things in a new light. Maybe I could try a new tactic called 'giving up trying!'.
"Hello, my names Daniel and I'm going to be your best friend", I said sitting on the bed next to the boy. He giggled and fetched a box of toy cars from the usual place. I tied to pour out my love to him, hugged and played games with him, and generally I felt really at home (!) with him. Next I took him outside for a walk and then realised we could go anywhere and do anything. The next moment we were walking down the sea front at Blackpool. The place smelt salty and alive, and we raced up the promanade like young boys again. I never thought I could realate to a kid like this. Then it was "lets go up the tower!" and we payed to go into a place I can't ever remember going into before. Mum was always too poor (or mean) to let me go up Blackpool Tower but now I treate the kid right and do everything I really wanted to do. The view from the top didn't eclipse my feelings for the moment, but the time was high and we both needed some rest; so back in the bedroom I kissed and old toy rabbit goodnight and made my way home.
"I'll be back next week", and I was.
Some girls seem to get more attractive looking as time goes on. Am I so desparite? I wondered which of the many tempations this horoscope was talking about, but deep down I could see the images clearly. The lunar eclipse of the 21st had been and gone, and almost without realising it I was in the right position to make a wish list again. To mark the occasion, I happened to read a newspaper horoscope which basically insisted that the planets were aligned and this was the best time to set new things in motion. What could it hurt? My third and final wish list was drafted that night and illustrated what I wnated to acheive before the end of July. Aspects of my career were to be made clear, my love life would begin and my finances would be sorted out. Then I set the whole thing of fire and sent my wishes into the ether with a puff of smoke. Here's hoping.
Later that night I tried to ring a woman I met on Tracy's Reiki course. Trisha was bright and intelligent and seemed to be on my level spiritually. She was about to start up her own alternative healing centre in town and had her future seemingly mapped out.
Besides, I wanted to ask her about a crazy job idea I had had earlier that month; and I quite fancied her as well.
"You're wasting your energy at Asda", she said sympathetically, "you could do a lot of other things; I know you'd be a good writer, what about writing a book?"
"I could probably spend the next 20 years writing a Life School book - it would be a best seller but wouldn't pay the rent in the meantime.... I have had one idea recently... a mobile reiki therapist... there are no overheads to consider except the insurance, the petrol and a mobile phone. I know this is the wave of the future so I'm far better starting to think about it right now. I could even build up my clients during the mornings when I'm not working at Asda."
We spend the majority of the next three hours discussing the ins and outs of starting a business, business and financial support and other possible careers.
"What about councelling..?", she went on, "or a Life Coach, or what about starting therapy classes, or writing a help programme, or maybe you could..." and so on.
That night I dreamed that I was displaying my talents as chunks of meat in a shop window, then brushing away the leaves outside to create a path to my door.
"Well", I pondered "I'm really thinking about starting my own business soon, so holding this off until later would be a bit of a problem."
He went away to look at other options and I sat and realized what had just come out of my mouth.
That night I got 'high' again and went to bed to think things over. Although I enjoyed a very clear and lengthy conversation with my higher self, the subject of careers hardly came up. As usual, we talked about me and my state of balance. After Reiki 2, all I seemed to want to do was to live in the moment and enjoy time before it was lost. Part of the problem
apparently was that I wasn't living in the 'now'.
"There is no point thinking about or worrying about things from the past because you cannot change the past! For example, if you had just made a noise loud enough to wake the neighbours next door; you couldn't go back and stop the noise, nor can you stop the neighbours from waking and thinking about it. All you can do is to accept it and move on. Similarly, you cannot change or predict the future - you can still hope and dream but nothing will be solved by religiously
fantasizing or worrying about things. The point of power is right now!"
About this time I was treated to a major question, "If you could speak with a higher being, the god of the world, what would you ask?"
As I thought I felt a rush of wind past my ears and a lightening sensation. A few things came to mind, but each time I came up with something my higher self pointed out that they were all self centered and personal questions; nothing worthy of a supreme god - what did 'he' care what I wanted, he had guides and angels to sort out these things. So I thought about asking the future of the planet and things like that, but they just didn't seem like good enough things to ask. Finally I was lowered from this opportunity, and with another rush of wind I was left in bed again.
You must keep your focus this month for you will be surrounded by a whirlwind of craziness and you will need your calm wit about you, despite this, to make some important decisions. Believe it or not, during this commotion, you will have an incredible creative breakthrough. Channel all of your focus and energy into developing this idea. Create quiet moments for yourself throughout the month to cleanse your thinking, to renew your energy and to reconfirm your focus. (c)2001, Astrologyguide.com
Last night all I can remember from my dreams is the scene of a car/van, loosing oil and pressure from every orifice, and finally spinning itself on its roof. I vowed to fix up this wreck and promised to get it running good again. There were several conclusions I eventually draw from these signs - none of which got me any closer to working out what kind of career I needed to choose. In desperation I turned again to the cards. This time I didn't want any decisions to be made for me, and I knew this big step had to be off my own bat, so I carefully asked questions such as "Would
choosing the mobile reiki path lead to a bright and successful career" and "Will I resolve my career and love life within the month of July". Both of these showed little in the way of amazing breakthroughs. I also asked whither my friendship with Trisha would lead onto a
relationship; to which the answers were initially positive but ultimately negative. I had done nothing except to get my head in a tighter knot than before.
At least there were two great thing to come out of today. For one thing I had the final £100 ready to pay off the car accident, and John came over to pick it up and complete the deal. I was glad to close the door on that part of my year. I also came up with a half sensible question for god (29/6/1): "What could I do to be of most benefit to the world?".
When I got home I begged everybody listening for help and went to bed early. I lay there for a few minutes before I noticed I was being held there by something - I couldn't even move my neck. Then a voice came through...
"I beleive you wanted to talk to me.. I am listening". I still didn't know if this was a guide, my higher self, my subconcious, my ego or some kind of crazy fantesy I was having while trying to work things out. For the first time I was asking questions with a clear head and with my eyes open, although I wasn't in a fully concious state of seeing. I asked about the job and about what lay in store for me now. Appearantly I was now more open and flexible to opportunities of a higher nature than if I'd been stuck in an office all day. I also asked again about my guides, and strangly some of the names had altered since the last time (30/5/01):
"There are seven of us around you including myself, Gabriel; who guides all piceans by way of the moon and the tides, Mark (the eyes), Paul (the heart), Timothy (the soul), Tom (the body) and Frank; who is just learning to send psychic messages as you are just learning to receive them."
"How does Timothy guide my soul?"
"Timothy guides the soul by looking at what you wish to know and then helps bring these experiences towards you."
"Do I really need a guide for the body?"
"Tom is a new guide to make sure your body is healthy and receptive, you have the choice of how and when you take exercise, but Tom will provide the opportunities to do so."
About this time I was still half sceptical about the whole thing. I had cross-referenced these messages a few times trying to come up proof that this was really in my mind and that my rational ego was in fact behind all this all along.
"Where have Andrew and Matthew gone.?"
"Andrew was the guide of your feet, making sure you had the opportunity to find your spiritual path. Matthew was the guide of your mind, he made sure you had the opportunities to expand your awareness before you stepped completely onto the path."
I got the impression that Matthew was supposed to be Guide No.7 but was unavailable.
"If you are indeed a higher self, get someone to talk to me today that I would never ordinarily see or talk to." On my way to work a perfect stranger said hello like she knew me... and then at work I spoke to several other people as if they had been put in front of me for a reason.
Yet more things coincidentally fell on my head. To begin with, my car battery was flat the very day I left it so late I needed to use it. Why was this? I later found out from HS that this was supposed to show me that as one vehicle for life fails, there are always alternative ways to get to where you need to go.
When I arrived at work things were about to be disrupted even more as the boss dragged me inside the interview room for a grilling. On top of my usual lateness problems (some kind of psychological block left over from my Depression days) other things had been mounting up over the last week or so. An awkward complaining customer, a lack of things for me to do, an unfortunate oversight, several forgetful moments and a whole load of brown nosing comments by my fellow team members made sure the nails were firmly hammered into my coffin. This was the final straw. This made me drive myself towards my dreams even more and to get that bit nearer to handing my notice in.
Horoscope: Nobody can know the complications of your life right now. The only person who you can trust is yourself, so only listen to the people you know will help. Sometimes human beings need a day in the dark so they can appreciate the light. Whatever dark moment you went through yesterday was only temporary. The clouds have lifted and your mind is clear.
I don't know why I got stoned that night. I had almost talked myself into abandoning the weed in order to clear the fog in my head; not caused by but probably being effected by cannabis. Another reason was that the insights I used to get from smoking seemed to have dried up; or so I thought. Some of the biggest revelations I had had came out of the blue like this, and it seemed almost as though I were be lead towards being stonned particularly when important information needed to be realised. I tried a different method smoking that night, an inspired whim which left my mind tripping by 11:30. Then as I sat in bed the fog lifted and quite a few things came very clear. Firstly I realised what I should do to start my own business - to start off with the basic healing (a skill I knew I could do well) and gradually offer to help people with their other needs. Then, after getting to know the most common problems and the solutions, and by learning to read peoples body-language I could begin to become a life coach sometime next year.
When I looked back, it seemed like I had wandered around on the same path since childhood; having been instroduced to stress, depression, lonelyness, love, heartache, dishonesty, impatience, weakness, fear, ignorance, disrespect and cravings of many kinds I was half way to personally experiencing many of the common mental and emotional problems. I had learned so much about the body with the Weight Training and Bodybuilding Guide, along with all the nutrition, naturologyy and supplimentation that went with it. More recently I had found Yoga and the presence of the bodys energy system; along with crystals and other ways to stimulate it. Then of course I had studied religion and imprirationally written many spiritual articles. Even the people I'd got to know over the years had helped me understand how egos work - not just the tireless fathoming of my own life, but also the hardened character of my mother and the more relaxed and open character of Ken. For the first time I felt like I had followed a path set for me since before this incarnation. The name 'Daniel' and my birth sign of Pisces indicated parts of this career. My natural gifts (patience, understanding, truthfulness, wisdom, intuition, gentleness etc) pointed the same way, and even my soft voice helped to coax pain from people. What else? My hobbies of philosophy, writing, the internet, meditation, buddhism and the search for truth all helped create this reality in their own way. Then there were the other things I had been drawn to - the reiki healing, the insignts, the clairvoyant images, the study of dreams, astology, divination, openness to my Higher Self and palmistry plainly paved the way for me to use these skills to help others. Truely amazing! The more I looked, the more I saw things had been 'set up' simply to get me to this point. And the more I knew about my skills, the clearer my lifes work became. To Thyn Own Self Be True! All I needed now was the practical lessons to back up the theory.... and a mobile phone.
Horoscope: It's important to keep tight control over domestic decisions and events over the next few days, or an unwanted guest will linger. Put up a confident front this Tuesday, even if you feel shy or bashful. A power play at work is virtually guaranteed to succeed on Wednesday. A creative project bursts into life towards the end of the week.
That night I was also treated to a wide range of dreams explaining just what was going on at the moment in my life. First I was shown myself picking up the seeds of a new situation. Then I was shown again that the job offer was a trap which I had successfully escaped from. This dream showed me (and a friend also called Dan) being hurded into what looked like a prison yard surrounded by a barbed wire fence. There were a lot of people tapped in here - some where already trying to get out. I did. Then I saw my friend get ripped appart by the law-givers; leaving me standing above it all on the roof of a building. The next thing I know, I'm in a room with a newly born baby who I knew as my own. I picked it up, and as I did so, so much love flowed between us this I plainly remembered the feeling for a long time after. I was so proud of my baby as I gently held it in my arms and rocked it softly to sleep. New beginnings?
A long unseen friend e-mailed to say how happy he is to see the back of his Amiga computer now that he has a brand new £1,600 PC.
"This old stuff is going in the bin unless you want it. I don't want anything for it or anything, just come over and pick it all up!"
Of course I wanted it! In fact I e-mailed back and arranged to see him on the 22nd.
There had also been a recent trend in the way of 'divine' messages flying past me and through me seemingly everyday. I noticed that the articles I read in the newspaper and the events I saw on TV were being brought up in conversations - some of which were very important tid-bits I would have missed if I hadn't opened that page or switched over to that channel at that precise place and time. On this day things were falling in a totally different way however. Nearly every job I approached found something falling on the floor. Nothing got broken or anything but over and over again things jumped out and landed at my feet - enough for me to realise these happenings where no coincidences. I knew they ment I had to 'drop' something mentally, but since I was thinking about several things and girls I couldn't accurately say which way the wind way blowing. A horoscope also warned me that I would be temporarily dailyed with a working project. Why did I not feel like heoping the world like I used to? Was it the meditaion or the Reiki I needed? That night I wished for some dream guidance and was shown I should wear my chakra neclace more.
But there was something else this week. For some time now I had been extra careful about my health and hadn't even drunk a beer for a few weeks. My attitude had also changed again. My voice was deeper and my carefree stride had been replaced by a broad-shouldered manly walk. This sort of thing happened a few times of the year and I knew that this ment I was leaning towards my masculine side again - operating from the head instead of the heart. The week before things were different as my voice draw soft and my walk more gracious with every step, more balance was needed I thought. For the first time in a long while I was actually accepting my bosses instructions without thinking twice about them, even my hair was now parted professionally giving me an extra air of responsibility. And yes, my head was now clear thinking for a change.
Several days later I would happen to notice a belated horoscope for this: "Go with the flow this month. Do not try to swim against the current in your usual Piscean fashion. Changes occur for a reason. Welcome change this month, do not fight it. Look out for misunderstandings [at work] that could turn into full blown arguments. Think long and hard before you speak - it will be important that you come across as in control of your thoughts or another [the boss] will try to throw you off balance and will enjoy doing so. Practice independence and responsibility, these will be your keys to a great month. (c)2001, Astrologyguide.com"
After the meditation I asked the Source to give me dreams to help me find love and compassion. Many situations arrose. The first found me at work helping a troubled boss get the job done. Then two men came up asking for first aid and so I had to leave everything I was doing in the middle of the floor to treat these people. I tried to get the attention of the receptionist to get a manager but she was busy on the phone. Then the boss came back and questioned why I was standing around with a load of work in the middle of the shop floor. At this I awoke - my nerves jangling with upset emotions. It was 6am and my feelings wouldn't let me go back to sleep again. So I tried the Metta meditation to send love to myself and others, but for some reason this wasn't working. Then I just send love to myself and breathed it around my body until evrything settled. Many more dreams tested my heart that night; I found myself crying at animal deaths and a horse race; I dodged my way out of a disaster situation [but failed to use compassion] and then moved onto a TV show and finally ended up playing the part of James Bond in a theatrical show. I awoke again just as the stage fright kicked in.
"This is a month for you to enjoy! You will be sought after by friends and at parties. A romance will begin to blossom. If you are already committed to another then you had better steer clear! If, however, you are unattached, you may wish to do some investigating. Keep your lines of communication open at all times - there will be some interesting relationship issues heading your way and loved ones will need your feed back to ease their insecurities. Take good care of yourself and do not forget that you need nurturing, too! (c)2001,Astrologyguide.com"
No she wasn't after all, and so another working hopeful bites the dust. I once tried to count up just how many girls at work actually fancied me - not out of vanity but simply out of interest - and came up with a figure well into the 30's. Maybe I'm not so bad looking after all. It's times like this that several cracks appear in the walls of the fishtank I live in and bits of Reality start to seep in. I realise how my silent, watchful behaviour at work looks to other people, and what my rejections must feel like to girls. Why am I the way I am? The soul searching can get deep at times, but one or two trade-off answers always seem to keep me in place. For one thing, I'm usless at small-talk conversations as I don't have the slightest interest in cars, or sport, or money, socialising, drinking, the weather or the local lunatic who momentarily grabs the worlds attention. My roots go much deeper and so I'm quite happy to sit with the crowd without being part of it. I wonder if a real knowledge of life does promote moods of quite 'knowing' rather than openly showing off what we know.
Then I got to thinking how all this would change when I girlfriend comes along and makes the fishtank twice as interesting. Then I could easily feel differently about a lot of things; my social outlook would change and so would my personality - completely different from how I operate now, and not something I would hesitate to dive straight into. An attraction pulled at me like pure magnetism today as a girl I passed looked my way. I didn't see this happening, but her gaze slowed my pace and my thoughts right down; and only the momentum of walking saved me from completely stopping in my tracks. Yet I was too dumb to see this, wrapped as usual in my own world I didn't look back. If destiny keeps the door open, she will cross my path again.
I also took the time to think about Meditation and came up with the idea what what Meditation really is is a form of 'power napping' in a seated position. Just letting your body sleep for 20 - 30mins is enought to rest the mind and leave the body in a peaceful state again. Maybe the process of meditation takes the 'power nap' theory further and lets the mind temorarily connect with the spiritual level of conciousness; and recharges the bodies energy system with the Metta well-wishing practice for example. As we were to get more and more used to visiting this altered state, our conciousness would merge with the higher dreamstate level in daily activity, and leave the mind in quite a different state of awareness than it would have if it souly relyed in the physical sences - and ultimately leading to 'insights' and mental clearity.
That afternoon I also made myself busy moving the telephone socket around the bedroom so I could answer the phone in bed. This had been a problem for a few years now, and ment getting up and crawling over to the other side of the room if anyone should ring me in the mornings. Now I would need to answer calls regarding my services so I couldn't just leave it ringing until I got myself out of bed.
That night I managed to finish the long running 'Living Magically' book and meditated on my higher self to bring it close to me. This time I asked it's name and it replied with what sounded like and old nordic name beginning with 'O' - like Olrick. The name 'Yarod' had also been given to be some time ago, but again I failed to find out the significance of this insight. Anyway, I called it close and basked in the love and light coming from it's direction; filling and opening my heart and soul. I also took the opportunity to share three aspirations: to show gratitude, to be honest and to love and care for all creations. So may it be.
Seeing the advert in its glory get me thinking deeply again about my situation. I really didn't want to spend the next six years of my life at Asda like I had done for the past six. Sure, Asda had bought me five cars, rented me a house and payed for almost everything in it, taken me on holiday a few times; not to mention payed for two great Reiki attunment weekends and helped me grow spiritually in all directions. But that was then and this was the future. I used to walk around with a 139 I.Q., now I was lucky to manage an 79 I.Q. most days, and I sure wasn't motivated at carry on with the web site or think about philosophy like I used to. Something had to change.
Life was so much easier now I had a bit of spare cash. Even though I had passed money worries a long time ago, there was something about having extra which made me even less worried - if that's at all possible. However, this feeling soon led the way to cravings of all kinds, and kickstarted my interest in music again after a quick tour of the local retailer. It had been so long since I bought anything much for myself that I was completely ununsed to it all. When I finally arrived home I unwrapped a protective Amethyst nechlace, a smoky quarty pyramid, three CDs and mostly everything on my shopping list except for the mirror - which would surely come when needed.
Half way though a chant dedicated to vajrapani, a stange feeling took over my mind to upset the flow of Tuesdays usual Buddhism class. I felt completely out-of-place within a room full of friends - an alien voice in amongst the many dedicated to the ceremony. I either needed to deepen my meditations to reaspire to the ideals or I needed to find my spiritual community outside the class. A while before I had thought about seeking out a Spiritualist Church. Maybe I should look a bit harder...
"You won't see preachers walking around with dog-colars on or anything like that", he said "its much less formal than a regular church. We still sing hymms and pray to god but we don't use the bible or preach sermons or anything..
..We have three meetings a week, on Thursdays, one on Saturday and a more philosophical one on Sunday evenings starting at 6:30."
That Sunday meeting sounded ideal for me and I looked forward to it for the rest of the week.
"You are a very powerful healer and it would be very good for you to learn spiritual healing", she reported confidently "I can see this will be of great use to you in the future and in your career."
Then all too soon the session was over and I plucked up enough courage to go over an confirm my suspisions. There she was, Trish and two of her three kids and looking as georgious as ever. We talked about the place and the events happening around it.
"There's an open circle tomorrow at 7:20 and than next week there's an exercise group where you can build up your awareness of your natural gifts".
"So I can learn about clairvoyance and channeling from these meetings?", I asked
"Yes, and they are on every Monday - we are just about to begin a new course for beginners!"
So Sunday and Monday at Spirtualism and Tuesday at Meditation. Things couldn't have worked out much better.
"Tell Grace her father is alright.", it said
I wasn't sure whether this was a complete figmant of my overeager state or if this was actually a message. Even so I kept my mouth shut and eyes wide open. A few people took their turn to stand up and question the seated receivers - and then one lady looked in my direction:
"I have a message for you dear", she announced looking at me, "I have your mothers brother here and someone is playing football. He says he could have gone professional if he wanted to and he advised you that you could do the same. You are taking suggestions from all side at the moment [career] and you cant decide which way to go - he says to choose whichever direction you feel you want to go but don't be swayed by the crowd as they don't know. It your choice. Does your mother have chest complaints and a lot hanging over her at the moment?"
"Yes", I replied thinking about the depression she had gone through, the removal of nans house and 'the change'.
"Her brother says he's been following her for the past few weeks and shes been feeling a bit down lately. Send her some flowers to cheer he up, especially on her upcoming birthday. Tell her not to let things get on top of her as this will make her much worse and irritate her breathing problems. Tell her to take things easier."
"I will."
"I'm also getting August, and they are telling me you should know the significance of a date in August. But coming back to you. My guide tells me that something you think is a long way off will be brought forward and right in front of your eyes so you can't miss it. In effect, you will be given a new pair of glasses which will make things a lot easer to see. I can also see something will happen in September to put a skip in your step - something to make you enyoy life."
After the session I went over to her and another man I knew to ask them a few questions. The conversation turned to my career and love life; which I hoped would both be sorted out pretty soon. The lady seemed to know Dorothy Magregger and Maundy Grange well. I told her that I have volunteered at Maundy for many months ealier this year but things had not gone as well as I had hoped.
"I may know a woman who could help you, and I may also know a girl who would suit you as well."
Seems like I came to the right place.
After an uneventful day at work; including a boring training session for the new checkout systems (the expantion Ron had noticed); I received a call on the phone. I half anticipated it would be a client for my Mobile Reiki venture, but instead I was speaking to my mother. She explained she had done some checking and had come up with a few things to coroberate Monday evenings Open Circle. First off, there had been a footballer in the family, good enough to be a professional in fact, and was now in spirit. He was called Jimmy Doyle and was my great-grandmothers brothers son on my mums side. It also turned out that my great-grandads birthday would have been in August and could possibly account for the August connection. After the call I got to thinking how very little I knew about my family. I didn't know anybody at all from my dads side (including my dad himself) and nothing much about my mums side either - because basically they had all died. How long would it be before I was the only one left?
"Hoping for things won't make them happen," I remember her saying, "You must even watch the things you think about because every thought and deed is being monitored. We are all creators, and we can make things appear for us as we need them and bring them towards us, and so we are powerful beings. Our words too are powerful, and they can create and destroy for us just as much as actions do. We have the power to heal another just by the power of words - just as we have the power to damage another person. Until we learn how to see reality and become aware of the moment, these words and deeds can heal and harm ourselves as well; but by slowing down the mind and taking in and living each precious moment of life we will see just how someone elses words are seldom directed at us and do not mean to harm us - it is just the emotional tention the person brings to the conversation which we can understand is theirs and not ment for us. The more selfless things we do for others, the more we will be rewarded by bringing the things we want closer to us. The more we do things for our own gratification, hoping that there will be something in it for us everytime, the more we push the things we want further away - not just material, but also emotional things we wish for. The important thing is to live in the present. Sometimes something may trigger a memory of a past experience and in seconds we are reliving it.
After 15mins of day-dreaming we realise that this time has been wasted and has acheived nothing. In times like these we much feel the emotions we felt at the time and bring them from within us, to take in the loving positive feelings and to release and forgive the hateful negativities, and so doing this will make things more productive. We also dream of the future, and dreams too get us nowhere. We must make our desitions and set up our direction right now in the present and the future will sort itself out. We must deliberately take steps towards that future to make our dreams come true; to look out and listen for clues to guide us towards that goal; and to spend time with ourselves to develop and change ourselves so we are ready for that goal. Nothing ever came of sitting in the chair and doing nothing to help ourselves! And the more we love and care for us the more we can selflessly give it our to other people. Open yourself and let yourself be of service to the universe; let your guides work though you and let yourself be moved by them. When we reach a level of development we will also be tested. Usually we can face challenges when we are at our darkest ebb or when we want to go too fast and too far with a favourable situation. Overcoming these trials is important for you and you may get knocked back occasionally if you go too far - not right back to the beginning, but back to the place you were supposed to be at that time in your development. So don't be put off, keep trying, keep reaching, and things will come your way."
Wise words indeed, and the rest of the 15minute lesson was just as good and made me think a lot about living in the present for a change. After the sermon I took the opportunity to get some Faith Healing from the helpers in a small room to time side. On a recommendation from the same woman who had relayed the masseges to me last week, I sat and took in the deep healing powers of the universe. For some reason, my heart was particularly reluctant to open and crack the shield which keeps the love inside. At times, like while practicing Metta meditation, I can open a small opening - but nothing to keep me happy all day. When this happens I will be bowed over by a wave a blocked up emotions and which will probably keep a smile on my face for months. The healing felt great but I needed something more direct.
The meeting was a great success, and I enjoyed it all very much. Awareness classes were based on playing games with the imagination and the sences to connect with higher forces. On this night, a selection of postcards were randomly handed out and a random pair of card holders were put together to tell each other about the cards they were holding. I was matched with a very wise looking woman named Jose, who had very 'witchy' eyes and a deep mysterious character. When I say witchy, she wasn't evil or nasty or anything, she was just the kind of natural psychic I would imagine seeing at these kinds of places. Miraculously, the card she held described me perfectly; and was an image of an Angel above a deep green ocean. I then let myself go and used the card to tell Jose all about her life, her children, her hopes and dreams and the things she kept inside. I couldn't beleive a pairing of people with two different postcards could be put together and describe each other perfectly. That night was also very special in that it was the first time I have seen visual images to psychic questions I prosed to the universe. After the card readings we were asked to ask questions about each other and imagine the answers. To my surprise, I saw very clear, momentary images and impressions which linked in with my questions; including a school and a church she once attended, a friendly nun and symbolic scenes describing her future - which she confirmed by saying a medium had relayed similar impressions just the night before. I think I impressed her because I happened to overhear Jose talking to the guy who co-ordinated the session with very complimentary words.It was amazing that I had quickly made deeper friends at the Spiritualist Church than I had made in a full year of going to the Buddhist Centre.
Later, as I returned from a long anticipated visit to the toilet, the girl who I had seem earlier came towards me holding a collage prospectus. We talked and she invited me to with her while she went for a cigarette. I managed to stutter out a few words to say I would and followed her back to the foyer. I knew this was the situation I had hoped for, and this girl certainly matched up to my wishlist of qualities. Then a few more people came in from the other room and I felt the conversation turn to include them and away from us. My guts wrenched and I longed for them to disappear and just leave us alone for a while. One by one they went and finally I got to ask a few things. She was a deep thinker and quite a philospher like me, she wasn't a materialist or over-concerned about money, and was quite a healer in her own right with Indian head massage and Reflexology skills. The topic of numerology came up and I explained about my interest in astology and divination. She moved her body towards me that little bit more and her eyes were wide open as if she didn't want to miss a thing we were talking about. Then the last few people came through to lock up and in an instant we were kicked onto the street. I said goodbye to everybody, especially her mother who was also very interested in the latest developments, and made my way back to the car. I hoped I had made a good enough impression to have stired an interest in me and I thought about her constantly after that.
Despite my reservations about our last meeting I really hoped and expected Alex, (at least I found out the name!) to be at the Spiritualist Church, expecially as her mother was seen sitting across the crowded room. After the service I made a bee-line straight over there to see what the crack was for myself. As usual, Alex' mother was in an inquisitive (if not hopeful) mood and I could tell she really wanted the two of us to get together for whatever reasons she had up her sleeve. I told her about my application to the college and that I was looking forward to getting back to some kind of studying again - a step in the right direction. Being a social worker, my hopes were definitely not falling on deaf ears, and she was ever encouraging towards my vague career plans. Then we got back to the point:
"Alex said you can have her number if you want it - she'll probably invite you over for tea or something!", she said
"I wouldn't refuse her!", I exclaimed passing her a pen I had planted in my pocket for this very occastion. At last I had something I wanted if only a line of numbers on a crumpled old brown envelope.
When I got home I was drawn again towards my augurie cards and to asking about the fate of my love life. Initially the finings proved positive but the last card always seemed to point towards some kind of breakdown in the relashionship to come sooner or later. This was a serious blow to my intuitive pull towards Alex, although the thought of a shorter friendship didn't stop me looking forward to calling her up come what may the next day.
At 5.30 I tried the number on the envelope hoping to catch Alex after college or whatever she did during the days. She wasn't in so I called again after 6. I always dreaded these kinds of flirting phone calls and my heart was racing like a Ferrari, so I gave myself some Reiki and a bit of grounding to calm everything down enough to get my head together. This was a mobile line so even though I could hardly hear her over the constant interference, at least we were alone to talk more confortably. I also managed to find out her starsign - Aries - and although this was initially a dissappointment I also knew we had so much in common that this would help balance the differences in temperament between us. The topics were lively and the conversation didn't dry up once. I could have happily talked for hours - then the sound of a car horn came through the window and I knew my hour of happiness had come to and end. As Ken waited and beeped his horn outside I hastily wrapped up the conversation, we exchanged phone numbers and I told her that my next days off would be now next week.
"Well we'll probably see each other at college anyway", she said. This was nearly three weeks away and I would have to see more of her before then! Next Sunday seemed a likely candidate so I made plans with myself to call her Saturday night and arrange something.
The Meditation class went very well and I had progressed a long way with the Mindfullness of Breathing exercise - dispite memories of the phone call echoing around my head to take my mind off things. It had been almost a year to the day since I first came through those doors to the centre and now I had gone as far as I wished to take it. Now I had the Spiritualist Church to look forward and delve into, so to make room something had to go. I decided to have a word with Kamalavajri after the Buddhism session so say what I wished to do. She understood perfectly as I knew she would, and peppered the air with open return invites and good luck messages. I didn't know where this new chapter would go - but I knew the last chapter was about to close right now. On the way home I felt sad to let it go and hardly spoke to Ken at all. We both knew things had come to a head and he silently knew he would miss his private Tuesday night cousellor.
I had to leave Alex's around six just to catch the Spiritualist gathering at half past. I called home first for a pit stop and thought about skipping it, but again something dragged me out thought the door and down the road. Of course this was for a reason, and not long into the service the clairvoyant speaker came to me with a host of brilliant insights. This time it was from the tow people who I expected to come through - my granddad and my brother (who apparantly looked just like me according to the guy giving the messages). Among the usual casual messages designed to convince the listener that the spirits were in fact communicating and not a figmant of an acive imagination, there came many insights of change - something Ron had not shown at all on my last visit.
"You will be doing a lot of traveling in the next 12-16 months," he related "and I can see that London will be a significant location for you. Are you studying at the moment?"
"Yes, in the next few weeks I'll start a new course."
"Well I can see a course change in the future and I can also see opportinitues to go to university as well. There is a lot coming next year, so start saving up the money right now. Your friends in the spirit world have been watching you picking up and dropping your books. They say the next time you waste time rather than getting on with a book they will poke you in the back! Are you seeing a fair haired girl at the moment?"
"I Am," I replied hesitantly.
"I can see an engagement to a fair haired girl on the way." [Somewhere around this point a small voice wispered to me 'spend more time with Joanne'. I knew of one Joanne who fancied me a long time ago, but I couldn't pin down the significance of it, and so I forgot about it.] "There will soon be young people around you - I'm not saying you'll work with young people though... ..You know of an October aniversary... You will also begin to see colours in the future." I didn't know it yet, but the 9th of the 9th held the key to all sorts of secrets.
When I arrived at Mondays Spiritual Awareness Class I had put all this behind me and began to relax again. After a short meditation in which my third eye chakra throbed like a hammer against my skull, the two 'teachers' set up a breif mediumship test to see what level of development a few of us where at. There were many new people at the meeting and at least 30 or so in the room, yet my light obviously attracted enough attention to be selected as one of the four who would stand up at the front and relate messages. Two regulars went first, followed by a less confident man and then I was the last to speak. This was the first time any of this had happened to me, and only the fourth time I had been to the church on a Monday, but I was amazed to find myself picking up a message from Debbie who I had first felt at last Mondays session. Nerves quickly get the better of my body and I quickly lost contact with her voice, but then the images began to come though, and all of them significant enough to convince the three ladies on the back row that I was indeed in contact with a loved one. After the experience I was left in quite a shock. Although I knew I had it in me to do this kind of thing I hadn't expected to be up and talking so soon and so well. But a short time after that, one of the ladies I had spoken to came back to me to thank me for the very evidence she had hoped for. She told me that all the images I had given her - a single white rose, a gold ring, the book of knowledge, and even the date 27th of September had all been correct. Her loved one had come around her and sent her the love she needed. I was glad.
This had been an awesome evening, and I couldn't wait to tell Alex all about it. But there was something else I needed to do as well. It was nearly 10pm by the time I called her and she was almost on her way up to bed. I rambled on for several minutes about the medium evening but I could tell she also had other things on her mind. Finally I plucked up the courage.
"Err, this is hard for me to explain," I stumbled "but I think our friendship hasn't worked out quite as we thought it would go. What do you think?"
"Yes," she said, her tone becoming more interested "I wanted to tell you today but couldn't. "
"I can understand if you don't want to come with me to the healing show on Sunday, but I'd still like you to come - as a friend - no strings attached."
"Yeah, I still want to come, I think we would enjoy it a lot more now that we understand each other. I'll look foward to it now."
"Great, I'll sleep tonight now I know I've smoothed everything out between us. Now we can go out on a high. "
After the full story had developed leaving several people of power pointlessly sitting around a studio to speculating who, what and why, I switched off the TV and picked up the book lent by Alex 'Star Signs by Linda Goodman'. The introduction was amazing and I knew this book would be another huge stepping stone on my path of truth. I delved deep into its folds and got lost enough to forget current situations abroad. Then I noticed I was getting quite hot. I turned off the fire; which was on quite low to begin with; and stripped down to T-shirt. But still I was hot and remained so all that night (even after getting up to water a forgotten plant) and into the next day. The TV was left off all that week, and my enthusiasm for box watching fell sharply after that.
A short time afterwards I found I had walked into a part of the carpark reserved for high performance cars; and a car-thief walked among them eyeing up likely career investments. There was a bit of a pause while I struggled against my moral judgement before I eventually decided to steal one for myself. The night was almost complete by now; and my spectacles had been smashed earlier; so I could hardly make anything out at all. Just as I was on my way to the fence, a group of thieves came over on a mass raid of their own. They saw me as one of their own and decided to test me with an initiation. Then the dream ended again and I was left with little clue as to where all this was going. I knew my career path had been rather muddy of late but I thought, with the help from spiritual church and my approaching councelling course that things were under control. Was I going to loose my vehicle? What was going on?
After fighting the onslaught of tourists we made it to the place by about 3pm and enjoyed over an hours wanderings inside. It was a lot like the Ilkley gathering I was looking forward to in October but nowhere near as big. Alex (being into Astrology in a big way) put £25 down on a complete astrology chart and career breakdown. I was less interested in spending money and only bought a pouch which I could wear around my neck to hold crystals and lavender. Something which did get my attention was a stand offering the latest miracle cure in the shape of magnetic products to ionise the blood. According to the quotes on the wall, these products helped to reduce pain, increase energy and make the body of the wearer much more flexable and tollerent to strain. The guy offered me a video showing me the same things which, it occured to me, would be an ideal for my mums super-mature needs. Maybe there would be another stand at this Autumns Ilkley Fair where I could find out more.
All afternoon we'd been hearing noises of aircraft buzzing around outside and I remembered there was an Air Show going on around this time. I didn't know it was today. So we set off down the prom again watching out for all sorts of things very loudly whizzing around the sky. These included crazy break-neck spitefire fly-overs, a hovering Sea Harrier Jump Jet and the Red Arrows performing their regular stunt spectacular. All pretty amazing, although I could tell Alex was far less interested in them than I was. Something was bothering her - maybe more than the headache she complained of. Later on we found the car and made an hours crawl back out of town. On the way home we began to talk about all sorts of things before the subject turned towards me and my life. I went into my own world as the ride rapidly turned into a therapy session. Maybe Alex understood, maybe I didn't tell her everything, maybe I told her too much. I realised later that I hadn't been listening to a word she had said - being too busy releasing my own garbage on her head to hear a thing. I was being arrogent and quite dogmatic - although I only realised this long after Alex had pointed it out to me quite clearly. This wasn't me at all. All last week I had been feeling down and quite unlike my more open, considerate and slightly humourous self. I was lost again.
It was 9pm before we arrived back at Alex's. Before she left the car I handed her a small bag of giftes I wanted her to have; including a philosophical poster I picked up at the church, my Spirit Evolution article I wanted her feedback on, and a five person weekend (72hour) return ferry ticket to Ireland I'd won on a scratch card. At first I thought she would hand it straight back, but then she asked.
"Why are you giving me this?"
"Because I have no use for it", I quickly replyed ,"I have no cash to go to Ireland - I don't even know 5 people to take with me. You have lots of friends and I know you wanted a holiday this year." She looked at me and gave off the kind of 'that's so sweet and kind of you' sound I liked to hear from girls. Then her intuition kicked in again.
"No, why have you given me this??"
Originally the masterplan was to ask if I could give her a special present - a bedtime no-strings romance to end things nicely. But then that option no longer suited events. Even a kiss seemed out of place.
"I'm not going to us it.. I'm not going to make it..", I insisted.
"Ahhh thank you." she smiled and just for an instant we both sat smiling into each others eyes. That was a great ending. Then with a feminine wave of her hand she was gone. I think we learned quite a lot during that brief encounter about the tests of life and love, and it seemed to me to be the perfect reintroduction to both.
"Why are you here?", he asked.
I would usually reply with a string of common answeres about wanting to help people and be their guide in life, and that I wanted to use all the available skills I could learn to help them and develop myself. Yet this wasn't formulating. Why was I here? I knew I had been pushed through the door by these very spirits, but why was I lacking in direction with it? Perhaps I didn't know what I wanted anymore. And then I realised all the other things about my life didn't make much sense either. The spirits had had enough of guiding me and had obviously decided to let me choose my own direction again. It all reminded me of the dream with the wind blowing me around in a new direction - at least I think that was the situation now. I knew meditation used to make it all clearer and I also knew I needed to practice it more often now I had left the comfort of the Buddhist Centre. At least I had a two week break from work coming up where I could hopefully sort of few things out. Another guide came though that night; Mark called by to offer me love and light and I became very hot again just as I had done last Tuesday night. Something was healing me. What a gift!
When I arrived at Tracys place I didn't feel the huge flow of energy their like I had done before - but the cat instantly made a bee-line for me so I knew I'd made a good friend. Dispite the TV being on and having to talk over the top of her husband bald head we managed to have a good old natter about spirits and the direction she wanted to go in life.
"We are actually thinking of going back to the Isle of White," she explained "and hopefully setting up business down there. Do you fancy coming along?"
I wasn't sure how to take this comment and in no time it was lost among a series of new topics. I didn't want to tell her that my Heart Line clearly showed that I would be living in another part of the world in the coming future. Then the conversation switched back.
"I was being serious before when I asked if you wanted to come with us, you know. We could put you up in our place." I didn't answer; I'd have to wait and see how events panned out.
Then I was back. Back in the grounds I knew very well from years past; when I still had some idea of how I wanted my life to go. Now I had no idea, but I knew this path would lead me ever nearer the road I want ment to follow, and I had no qualms about sharpening up that particular invaluable tool of life. There were 25 of us cramed into a room the size of a two matchboxes, which made things just that bit more hot and sweaty for me - regardless of the fact that I was one of only four men in the room including Tom, the teacher. Most of the students where women in their 30's or 40's although there where a couple of bonny faces going by the names of Sarah and Tammy. Sarah in particular was an instant attraction so yet again I found myself in a situation with a distracting beauty in the corner of my eye. How annoying. Hope follows my like a shaddow. Oh and the course.. well that was good as well but tended to focus of the misery and tradgedy of the world rather than the seat of inspiration which this was supposed to set us up to sit on. At this stage I didn't think that coucelling would become the driving force behind my soul, but as a natual piscean coucellor I was glad to find out that there was still much to learn from the professionals.
At around 7pm I set off towards a Spiritaulist church I had only heard of before in Great Harwood. Because the Harwood services were only on on Wednesday and Saturday nights I would have to miss them after next week - but as I had this holiday time I was determined to get at much healing time as possible with these great people. It wasn't hard to find, and soon I found myself sitting in a new room and with almost a complete group of strangers. I felt different; the service was the same and everybody was so friendly and happy to be there, but the building just wasn't strong in the energies which pulled at my chakras in the Blackburn church. The medium was an elderly local lady who, seemingly genuine enough, just didn't hit the right spots with the messages. Perhaps it was just me, but I didn't enjoy it. I wouldn't feel too bad if I didn't return next Saturday.
After a 3 o'clock rendezvous with the church I set off towards the cinema to catch a film which had caught my eye, Stanley Kubriks A.I. I didn't expect it to be a moving tale about a robot with a heart but something had pulled me towards this film just for that reason. When I got back home I rang mum and told her how much I washed we could feel something for each other. Like the robot in the movie, I wanted my mum back. Matters became more difficult as soon as I heard mums voice and knew we had nothing in common. Where was the feeling? The love? She didn't know how to show it and I just couldn't seem to send it like I could so readily to people I hardly knew. Three hours later of mostly silence at my end and we agreed to try to be closer. This would't be easy.
In the meanwhile I set off to college for quite a tricky second day on the councelling course. I was nervous. Even more so than last week for some reason, although a hastily gathered mask of 'cool' made sure I didn't show it. Why was I so nervous around tightly packed groups of people? It happened on a Saturnday when Asda was stacked to the rafters with trolley-rage driven shoppers and their disobediant, bored, children. It also happened while wandering around town - even though I was quite confortable with the possibility that people might be looking in my direction. I couldn't place it. The formula for just being genuinly carefree and casual I mean. Sometimes, even neighbours walking into their garden while I was lounging in the sun could set my guard up. This didn't seem to matter with smaller groups of strangers, or in church with large or small groups, or at work (other than Saturdays) or when I was out with Alex - although Simon would often put me that way for no reason whatsoever. I was confident, that didn't bother me, and neither did being around strangers, but this had gone on long enough and it seemed like I was testing a new prevention theory everyday. That was another reason why I wanted to love my family, and hopefully stir in a little stability into my heart. My horoscope seemed to say it all, and sure enough, the answers to all this would come up sooner than I thought.
So getting back to college was a good thing - and after all it got me out of the house; which is always a good thing even though I knew that in ifself wasn't the answer I was searching for. It also helped stir the past, and by looking at Sarah, the future as well. This lesson was mainly based around the tags and labels people carry with them through life. The fact that I had rebuilt my life from scratch a few years ago seemed to hinder this exercise somehow, although I rarely liked to pin myself down with any labels other than being a Piscean. What did they label me at school? Granddad! Being old before my time. But since this had been a subconcious part of my psyche for as long as I could remember it didn't bother me then or now. Should it? Perhaps I could look at myself as a young 25 year old... internally I didn't know what ago I was - it didn't really matter. My mature nature had stood me in good stead for the future, and everything else came though whenever I enjoyed the company of a woman. That was one ingredient I knew I needed, and that's why I was learning how to love ME first!
Horoscope: Planning a party or just wanting to do something to take yourself out of the work syndrome and into the pleasure dome? Then choose the first week of October. An assortment of fun planets ensures something memorable will come out of a celebration or plain old-fashioned fun! On the 18th when Neptune surfaces from the fog so you come to terms with a problem that has been eating you up inside. Calmly look into your subconscious and gently ease up, out and away the angst that has caused irrational fears to verge on paranoia. Neurotic is a word that will be a thing of the past if you stop the self-blame and realise that whatever happened was no fault of yours. Either is was the other person's destiny to go learn from the experience or you just happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. Now any lesson has been learned. From the 23rd you are blessed with a fresh quota of luck and can transcend your inner dilemma and sketch out a new vision for living which comes via travel and study. Prepare to broaden your horizons and break out of the self-absorbed cocoon you've been wallowing in. (c)2001, Russellgrant.com
"You and a loved one will be in serious need of working through some relationship difficulties. You must set times aside this month for what will basically amount to relationship negotiations. Although this manner of resolving issues does not really appeal to your free-spirited nature, you really must work on the nuts and bolts of your relationship if there is going to be any long term improvement. If you have been letting your frustration build up over time, chances are you are filled with quite a bit of anger that you must be able to put into constructive words in order to get a working dialogue going. At this point change is inevitable, make it positive change. (c)2001, astrologyguide.com
"For some reason I still haven't been sleeping very well," she explained, reminding me of the problem we had briefly covered the last time we spoke. "I've tried moving the bed into a different position like you said but I can still feel myself turning restlessly all night."
This had been going on since a week after she moved in and was making her feel unsettled in what should have been a bright new place to be. I hadn't given it much thought before, tending to focus on her emotional state rather than her physical, but this was important. Later that night, several more things I'd been thinking about appeared in front of my face. There was an interesting report on the news which I saw twice that night - even though I never usually watched the news. Then a happened to be thumbing though a free magazine from Hawkins Bazaar and noticed an aromatherapy aid to insomnia. Insomnia!!! It was so obvious now that it was staring blankly at me, and it all made sense. Mum had been living in the old house for nearly 40 years, had shared uncountable good and bad experiences their and had known the place most of her life - no wonder her body was shoked to find the routine of decades had been broken. To add to that, work was also bringing her down, as was the breakup and selling of Nans house now she was a resident in the home, and also the recent loss of her beloved dog. No wonder her sleep was restless! Then I was drawn to the numerology section of Linda Goodmans book and found the answer to my inner-nervousness problem had been written in the stars all along, with the numbers 4, 9, 13 and 27. I thanked the guides for leading towards this and instantly felt a wave of love enter my heart. They really did help... they really do unconditionally love.
It was around 5pm before I finally left the house for mums. I really wanted to visit the health and healing shops in town to get her something for insomnia but as it was a Wednesday they were all closed. I broached the argument to her and she faught it with a sword and shield.
"I don't care what you say," I bloody-mindedly interupted "I know that this is the right answer to your problem. It was shown to me and something clicked which made it so obvious. This is it."
She wrote it down in the margin of the local paper and silently agreed to ask about it further. After that we talked long about how we could ever get to know each other and maybe get closer. I said that so long as we kept talking our problems out and sharing time together, something would happen. It was hard work but somehow I managed to open her mind back to the past and we talked about things that had happened so terribly thet they still haunted her movements. Again I tried to get her to realise that time is precious and that quite a few of the people who once caused her pain were now long dead. One man even needed two sticks to walk with and had obviously been beaten half to death (what goes around, comes around). Why let these people take the rest of her life away? Perhaps something would come crack or open just as it was begining to do for me. For the first time, I felt that I was on the road to recovery and that life was exciting and interesting again.
In the meantime I went swimming - for the first time in about 10 years. I called the sports centre a few days before to make sure I didn't go when the kids were in - yet I still managed to pick a time when only a quarter of the pool was free for genenal swimming. At first everything was alien, and my nerves were a little tense. But dispite the 15 year old bright yellow swimming trunks which were as out-of-date as the 80's, I managed to do about 10 lengths before the ache in my arms made me dubious of going in the deep end.
At the spiritualists awareness class there came another wisper in my ear. Appearently, the aura can be used as a shield if ever the body gets tense in a crowded place. Interesting! By pulling in and pushing out the aura and using crystals it is possible to strengthen it and use it to block the clairsentient/psychomery impressions you can pick up from other people. It occured to me that I had found out the cause of my temportary anxieties (the numbers 7 and 9) and a way to block it using the aura in the space a week or so after realising I needed to do something about it.
That night I ended up trying to make a list of the reasons why I should, or shouldn't go with one of the three interesting women I was still wondering about. An hour later and I was still no wiser - it seemed like two out of the three would have a positive point to about them, and then another point would come up and it would be a different two, and then a different two again until eventually all the 'scores' balanced out. I even asked the cards about one woman and found out nothing which I didn't know already. Still, there was always plenty of time to find out as non of these girls would be going anywhere soon.
"There is one thing you came help me with," I explained to this lady while Mary was busy "While I'm listening to your facinating stories, my mind will just drift off somewhere else." I told her about the earlier jump-out-of-the-window experience. She promised to help with that. Finally I was sent on a kind of mission, although I soon forgot what I should be doing. I was clearly walking down a street similar to the town square in Clayton-le-Moors. The sun was beating down as I noticed it usually did in this dream world, but now I knew I was dreaming. I looked up to see a sign on a building in front of me, and as I looked away and back again, the sign changed. Quickly I took the opportunity to 'spin' myself into another place. I held out my arms and turned around like a spinning top while wishing I could travel to an exotic beach. According the the lucid dream manual this was supposed to work, but instead I found I had knocked myself awake with a bump. 11:30am. It was so strange to find myself in this world after spending so long in the other. I knew Mary wasn't one of my guides either. Maybe we are shown things by 'dream guides'?
"How well do you know Trish?" he mused ,"because she has a birthday in August which would explain your aniversary in the August month."
As usual, I wasn't paying too much attention to this at the time, but reflecting back I could see this was a wisper I could have followed up so easily. At least this narrowed her Sun Sign to to either Virgo or Libra, and both of these could reflect quite nicely in my mirror. But then there were still two blocks which stood in the way of letting my energies flow freely. Firstly, I still wasn't completely sure she was single, even though she didn't wear a wedding ring and refered to the father of her children as 'their dad' rather than 'my husband'. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly if the odds were equal, Trish had three kids which I really didn't know how to handle. Did I really want this kind of responsibility at my age? I used to work with someone who married a woman 10 years older than he was and had children - so it could be done. I also knew; through my brief interaction with Leasa earlier this year; that I had been drawn to an older woman with three kids before, and that I could be tempted even by such overwhelming odds. I could also feel my destiny path was changing course once again. I couldn't concentrate on deep spiritual or philosophical matters and my mature intelligent nature had been taken away. This ment I was no longer sure what I wanted or which way I should go. Sometimes these phases would pass quickly, sometimes not. The key was to watch and wait and look for inspiration, so that is what I did with more Numerology and Astrology.
Horoscope: Romantic possibilities appear to be numerous this month. It all depends on what you are looking for...new romance? An old romance rejuvenated? Some fun flirtations? It is there for the taking or the making , if you wish; just make sure that nobody gets emotionally burned. Money matters are bound to cause friction between you and another. Assume nothing when it comes to spending. There is money that is owed in your circle of close relationships and it is causing hard feelings. Somebody is feeling taken advantage of financially, this needs to be discussed and the sooner the better. Keep your sense of humor close at hand you will need it to dissolve some of your own angry feelings that will surface.
"Imagine another clearing, and this time you will find the most amazing object you have ever seem."
This to me was a ball of light which had many different colours coming out of it. I took it and played it within my heart so the light flooded out of my chakras. After the session, another girl across from me said she saw the same thing.. almost like 'disco lights' she said. Sarah wasn't there that day, and I remembered a horoscope I read which said 'Don't waste your time thinking about a person who doesn't even know you exist.' Something told me quite clearly that this warning had Sarahs name all over it.
Another friend I found I had made at college was David. He was also quite interested in matters of the spiritual kind and was a keen rapper (MC Apprentice) to give him his alter ego. We talked for a while on a street corner as he filled me in on where he was coming from, before asking me if I wasted to visit a local new age camp and a 'Yert'. I had never heard of such a thing but it turn out to be quite a good sized round tent-like building with a builting wooden heater, a small shrine and casual interior - just right for smoking and chatting about life and beyond. The atmosphere was amazing, not aa good as in the spiritualist church, but still comforting and peaceful. We talked and smoked for quite a few hours about spiritual, philosophical and current affairs matters until, as we left, I was asked if I wanted a sample of Mushroom Juice to try that night. Of course I jumped at the chance and set about creating a perfect mood for it as soon as I reached home again.
The juices flowed at around 7pm; after I had eaten a good sized meal, lit candles and incense and created the vibe. By half past the room was turning decidedly red and I noticed the patterns on the wall and the lamp shade were moving around quite casually on their own. I tried to stand up to visit the toilet but I found I was almost drunk and my normally straight legs had taken on a wavy, rubbery feeling. TV was another thing altogether. I tried watching an old selection of trippy programs I'd taped ages ago, but rather than expand the mind they just made it go all over the place. Normal TV was a lot better but I found my feelings and emotions were somehow much sharper - especially sympathy, love, and even grief as I watched an actor die in quite a hard core soap opera. Even my libido; normally content to dwell in a small corner of the mind; decided to step up and lust over the delicate curvy shapes of women. I didn't know if any of this was permanent or if it would change my life around to something more interesting. It did and it didn't, but I wouldn't be frightened to take mushrooms again; maybe privately or perhaps I'd be comfortable with other people; but, reminding myself of the 'disco lights' i'd seen earlier, it certainly made my night a lot more interesting. I also received a huge number of insights including the revelation that my spiritual knowledge would make a good book and this journal would make a good movie!
"Tell the the answer to the question I really want to know." I asked the awaiting cards. The first of the alarms went off outside. This time the deck was in a more giving mood:
'You - You need to obtain knowledge in some field or other in order to move forward. Learn and be intellectual and you will soon be armed with the knowledge that you do not know now - helping you find all the answers you seek. This will involve dealing with another who is also very wise and has great knowledge and experience, and in time you will also aquire that power to convey solutions, to relieve and to cure, to be in control of the self and situations arrising.
Your Situation - At the moment you are surround by disorder and confusion, both in the external and in the internal worlds. This has lead to carelessness and a lack of organisation which needs to be cleared up and sorted out as soon as possible. Domestic business and day-to-day running needs to be well in hand. Clean up your act.
Your Future - You are affectionate, sentimental and a dreamer, rather conventional in the way you dehave, and aspiring to build relationships in the healthiest state of normality. You are the complete opposite of the person who is an adventurer, seeking to call attention to himself. You are respectful of rules and principles. But the main thing which holds your attention is the important place you give to your feelings, emotions and the simple, natural joys of life. You need love, tenderness and sincere affection. This is where your principal motivation lyes; the essential criterion on which you build your existence. You will experience feelings which are sincere, spontaneous, pure, deep, and divided between two beings of affinity who long for happiness. Great joy , unmarred happiness, and a healthy, calm love life will follow - lacking in fantasy, originality or intensity perhaps, but which has the privilege of being stable and dependable. '
Simon showed up later that night to give me yet another excuse for breaking out the smokes and the booze. Then halfway though the evenings entertainment, the phone rang... "Hiya Dan it's Alex". Rays of hope shone thought the sky again, but dispite the long list of things I'd been lining up to talk to her about, I just about managed to forget every one of them. Where was she coming from? Did she really fancy me or was she content to stay as friends? I hoped she understood I still fancied her though my incoherant ramblings down the phone, but by the end of the conversation I was still no wiser. Simon seemed happy enough to know girls were thick on my horizon, and I made sure he got another wedge of the money I owed him to show my continued appreciation - especially after the horoscope warning I had recieved two days before.
Alex also received a phone call that evening so see if I couldn't make slightly more sence of things. I explained how the Numerology I had picked up from Linga Goodmans book had helped me understand myself a great deal more - and also confirmed that I was indeed blind to subtile hints and lights being kept under bussels. I tried to say as clearly as I could 'hey, I won't know what you're thinking unless you come right out and say something'. I knew she knew my position clearly enough - but then I was also happy to roll with any situation that came my way - for better or worse. No beans were spilled near me, but I did pick up a whisper from the guides as she mentioned being more in touch with the present moment. This I knew was something I really had to have another go at, even if it ment going back to the Buddhist center. I also managed to invite her to the Ilkley Psychic Fair - but this was not ment to be. At least I was shown a horoscope by the end of the month which made a lot more sense of things:
Horoscope (Aries October): This month will have an emphasis on relationships. It appears that there is some friction headed your way with another but it is of your own doing so you must examine your actions closely to see how you are setting the stage for conflict. You are sending mixed messages on some level. You may be flippantly promising more to another than you truly intend to deliver ' this can be extremely frustrating to the person on the other end for it makes your words hollow and meaningless. Another possibility is that through your impatience you are sticking pins in another (with a smile on your face to mask the deed) with words because he/she is not on your time schedule.
"I'll be back at about half one tomorrow.." I said as I left in high spirits.
The talks we attended were also facinating; and I even saw someone I knew fom church there too. The first was basically a promotion of yet another 'book of Truth' which, from the examples given by the readers about Karma, Reincarnation and the right way to live, was more or less what I already knew as Truth already. The second seminar, this time about Past Lives and Regression, was much more interesting. First the session began with a guided meditation - made all the more impossible by the sounds of the talk next door and by the footsteps echoing from the stage above, to knock all but the most stalwart mind way off track. I did manage to get a number of images through, but rather than real past life memories, some were obviously dream symbols designed to show me what I really needed to know.... I was I caveman, furskins and loincloths abound, standing in a very lonely grassy and mountainous landscape. The sun shone down and as I acted on the urge to kneel down and worship the 'light', I found a million beautiful multi-coloured flowers had spung from the ground and rapidly grew to about waist height. I took this to be an omen in the 'trust in spirit..' vein, and as a sign to follow its lead into paradise. I'd seen enough evidence lately to know they do provide - and just to make sure I saw this point, I recieved an orange polo-shirt and several others I'd wished for a few months ago after being told that what we wear can be just as effective colour therapy as what we do with crystals. How often do you find pure orange polo-shirts being offered to you from someones charity bag?
After this another revelation took it's course at church. Trish was there with her mother and a number of her siblings to enjoy the service. As the exceptionally ordinary service came to a close she was the first one to stand up to exchange words with me. I showed her my stash of crystals and shone the orange polo-shirt in her face before she went off to get the refreshments in. Then something went wrong as she came back and I found myself talking to a near complete stranger and the back of Trishas mustard top. Something was obviously on her mind as it was written in large letters all over her face. She looked older and worn out as if begin crushed by hundreds of invisible weights all being dropped from great heights, and she didn't look in my direction again until I was just about to leave. Perhaps my appreciation of drinking water instead of stimulants and my lack of get-up-and-go towards the Christmas party had made her realise I wasn't the man she thought I was.
Work was another issue. There were lots of girls where who fancied me, and over the years, I'd counted at least 25 who'd shown an interest. Now there were at least 4 - all of which which quite plainly and obviously not my type at all; and I wasn't physically drawn to any of them. And now the three women I had been interested in had all decided to turn their backs, so the ones I wanted I couldn't have, and the ones I could have I didn't want!! At least in a Mills and Boon story somebody always gets somewhere. I attempted automatic writting to give me a clue:
As if to come up with an answers to my pesimism, I was presented by a woman with a mirror as I st down for the evenings spiritualist awareness class. She was from Glasgow Scotland, aged late 30's to early 40's and was a very kind and genuine character. As we spoke about different things while we tried to imagine what each others aura looked like, the conversation turned to the situation I found myself in. She was also studying counselling level 2 on mondays just as I was - but at Blackburn instead of Accrington. She confessed to liking factual interested whither it be autobiographies or real-life book or documentaries on TV. The pub never had any hold on her and yet I could see she was quite pleased with the life she had lead up until now. The spirits had provided a husband - who happened to live next door to her - and in their own way had obviously been prepairing her with assertivness/confidence classes and now the counselling. We both agreed that the nightlife of the young never appealed to us, and that there was more to life than taking your mind away with alcohol. I still wasn't convinced I was doing the right thing by being so anti-social, but after meeting this woman it seemed plain that there was always a way forward for every soul.
Just gone 10pm and I was shattered after quite a hectic pre-bonfire night, pre christmas Thursday. I curled up on the sofa to let my body release its addrenalin heat and examined a new road map I bought to save me loosing my way again. As I looked up Morecambe to see where I went wrong, Alex phoned to see how things were going. This time I started the conversation off as friends with a nice 'Hiya mate'; the way I knew she liked it.
Horoscope for November: Whichever way you turn there is no getting away from the Olympic-sized tussle between Pluto and Saturn. They first met in a heavyweight contest in August so look back to then and you will find the roots of any troubles now stem from then. Either you dealt with it until it could cause no more problem or you ran away buried your head in the sand and hoped it would go away. If you followed my advice and did the former then you will be in a splendid position now ready to lap up the Sun/Jupiter trine, to shower you with good luck, happiness and success over the next year. If you avoid confrontation now then when the final Saturn/Pluto test arrives in 2002, well, let's not go down that road. Let's be positive: you must realise that this month the stars are most auspicious so if you have a stark choice to make in your career, home, a family or professional matter then do it. Your life is what's important, what people think of you is irrelevant because true friends and loved ones will rally to your side and support you, but as the Saturn/Pluto aspects forecasts, this is a time to dump the rubbish and that includes people as much a situations. Broach a psychological obstacle erected by a career or domestic trauma that constructed it: it's time for you to pull down your own personal Berlin wall and liberate yourself from ties that hold you back and bind you. (c)2001, Russellgrant.com
When I finally got home, after using the Asda dodgy photocopier to preserve the important bits of Linda Goodmans Star Signs book before giving it back, I was ready for some serious relaxation. The formula hum-drum was on TV which I happily sat myself in front of, unable to focus on anything more positive or productive. I also happily used the 'holiday time starts here' rule as an excuse to smoke some ganja let it play with my mind. To begin with, the effects were negative - I could hardly focus on the TV or come up with any reasonable thoughts - hardly a positive signs at this time when I was trying to decide whether to give it all up or not. I left it an hour for the effects to wear off before trying again with a much less heady cocktail. Around 2 in the morning I was ready to retire, but quite amazingly I was still quite high as I settled down in bed for a good old-fashioned philosophical mind wander. Something was taking to me quite clearly by now. Whatever question I asked the answer would come. It didn't take me long to realise that this was a great opportunity to ask all the things I'd been waiting to hear about or thinking about - including 'How to the souls of plants work' and 'how will my love love unfold'. I couldn't feel my body anymore, only a connection to something with what I can only describe as my mind energy. Everything made complete sense of course, and I could see how all the things which had happened to me or were happening now where there for a reason - an amazing journey from one experience to another, and which showed all the signs of leading to a very happy future. I saw the links I had with people and was shown the law of attraction (like attracts like). I was shown how my love was being nurtured every day, and by giving love to even the most difficult person (my mother), I would soon be given the opportinity to love the easist person I had ever met. It seems we are shown the negative things in life to make the positive ones all the more pleasurable when they happen. If we didn't, we wouldn't learn to appreciate the ways of life. I remembered the medium at last Sundays service channeled the very same message. It was certainly true in my case: how much more do I appreciate money now I had been without; how much more can I look forward to the simple pleasures and realisations of distant dreams now I can realise them; how much more do I appreciate mental clearity and awareness having seen the lowest depths of depression; how much more do I appreciate the tenderness of love having been longing for it and building it so steadily, for so long...?!
A quick drive up to Blackburns spiritualist temple capped off a wonderful day. The speaker gave three philosophical stories and his confidence, compassion, wisdom and professionalist shone though and around him to light the room with his words. I was still trying to see auras - having received the basics of how to do so a couple of weeks back at Awareness class. I tried and couldn't, even though I knew that this guy was giving me the best chance I have of seeing anything. A pressure built up around my forehead as I kept on trying until, all of a sudden, the pressure was released and my face changed to one void of strain or tension. My heart was still pumping out love as much as I could; after being helpfully prompted to do so by the speaker in order to create a beautiful healing energy in the room; so perhaps the flowing Kundalini had managed to pass the block around the heart chakra and finally unblock the third eye chakra. Or maybe on of the friendly spirits, which I could sence all around me in this place, had noticed my efforts and wishes to 'see' and unblocked my third eye for me. Whatever the cause, I could now see the white aura around the speaker - not just around the head, but completely around the body. It seemed to wobble around his body like jelly at times; bouncing around as he waved his arms about and acting like a shaddow with inertia. Now my mind and body was serene and a pleasant wide smile gently graced my face. I didn't have a fear left in the world. Afterwards, Trish was the first one to stand up and offered me a drink. By now I had realised that both Trish and Alex were the important friendship links which would attract even more important female friends into my life - so I was more than happy to drop the crushes I had over them and appreciate their friendship. Trish sensed her time had passed and was visibly upset. She went into the healing room while I made my way out of the door.
Horoscope: Inner calm is what you need to seek out this month. You deserve relief from the sense of over-whelm that you have been experiencing. You have been looking to others for answers and have found one disappointment after the other. People that you would never have expected to let you down may have done so with flying colors. Comfort and reassurance can seem so elusive - and they often are until you look within yourself to find them. Your heart, sensitive fish, carries within it all of the answers you need. You know this instinctively and yet, you often let your insecurities override this knowledge. You must take time this month to refocus your energies on your principals and values. The passing loneliness is just a cross that the Picean must bear... partly connected to the earthly plane and partly connected to the spiritual plane. Your comfort comes from a higher source - remember that. "(c) 2001, Astrologyguide.com
After a short prayer, made all harder by the presence of Trish and Jose sat at my sides; turning my deep singing voice into a soft timid wisper; we sat down to ask any present spirits to come though for a chat. I cosed my eyes and connected once more to the spirit who came though to me five weeks ago at my last circle. His name was Henry and I could clearly see an image of an old man, with a bald head and a walking stick. Just like before he reminded me of a fire, sirens and the colour red - I asked him why, and he gave me the impression he (or someone) had died in a house fire. Frank was also mentioned and the image of a yellow daffodil - which he wanted to relate as the colour rather than the flower. But unlike the previous encounter, tonight I managed to stand up and give all this information off to the circle. Francis (of all people) took it and asked for the rest of the message - but my mind had gone blank. All I got were bits of feelings and seemingly random images, first of sand dunes, then a blue flower vase and then a celtic cross. Francis smiled and said I was doing ok, but the contact had gone. 'I'm sure this man was just trying to bring you the daffodil flower as a symbol', I said - but Francis seemed to know more about it than I did, and that was fine by me, so I left her with that and sat happily down again. Later on I got the chance to speak to her about the message and she gave me a few explanations.
'The Celtic cross was a connection to my Irish background as all my family are Irish. I had a blue vase which ties in with these people, and it was Frank who died in a house fire.'
'I've just remembered seeing the British flag, the red cross on a white background, tying in with the sand dunes - was this man an officer in the army?... maybe in Africa?', I inspirationally asked.
'Yes, he was a sergent and landed in Dunkirk during the Second World War. The boat he was supposed to leave on got blown up by the Germans leaving him and another man behind. They only survived because they hid behind the sand dunes!
I just 'happened' to be in one day last week and turned on the TV just in time to see this story reenacted in a programme. He was coming though with this part of the message to remind me of him and that event. If you had told me about the soldier part I would have got the whole message. But they [spirits] are still teaching you the basics [of mediumship], so I think you did really well tonight'.
The sky had opened as I made my way home that night. The spirits in their wisdom had made a river in the sky to put out all those bonfires being lit up and down the country - saving our gallent firemen the headache of having to do it. Why don't people realise why it always seems to rain on November the 5th?
Trish was also in my mind, but for a completely new reason. A few weeks ago I'd taken her in a Toys & Gift type brochure for the Hawkins Bazaar, and last night she had finally placed her order - worth £41.41p At this time she didn't have any money; what with trying to set up her own alternative healing business and all; and I certainly didn't have this kind of cash spare so I had to think of my options again. Music was the key. I didn't listen to half the music had anymore, and quite a lot of it was worth something, so I collected everything I wanted rid of and played through a few old singles in case I wanted to keep anything. I didn't - but guy who usually bought all my ex-interest music was away until Friday, so I'd have to wait.
Also around this time I received very clear messages about one or two things. First and foremost was a very hard prod in the back from on of my spirit guides who made me realise just what the last medium had said about my mother. 28/10/01. 'You must move quickly - time is running out!' she said, and now I knew it. Sooner or later she would get a new pet or a man who would take her away from my direct help in favour of a new leaning. All the signs pointed to it and her mind was opening up and grasping for it more each day. If I was going to make everything right between us it really had to be now; and by 'co-incidence' it was her birthday on the 10th of November.
Horoscope: Your psychic powers are working overtime, so be sure to heed them at every opportunity. Close your eyes and ears to the outside world, and rely on your heart to show you the way. You may be drawn to a sad person who needs your help. Actions speak louder than words this week. Do your best to relieve them of a considerable burden.
Purple Plates were also on the agenda today after a mind-opening encounter while reading 'Star Signs' the night before. Appearantly, an inventer in the U.S have channeled a way of making aluminium vibrate to the healing frequency of the universe, and by making us of these 'plates' one could raise ones own vibration as well as promoting health and healing. This was right up my street as I knew higher bodily vibrations ment more awareness of higher forces. I also just happen to have 27 U.S dollars sitting around doing nothing in a drawer upstairs; I'd been thinking of using them to but cheap import videos and CDs before but now this was obviously what I'd been given the cash for. After a quick trip along the internet I was convinced, and posted off my order that day.
We came out of the fair after a breif talk by a palmist (who told me almost everything I knew already) and went back to my mothers newly decorated place. After a small detour into the loft to put down some insulation, we sat down and talked deeply about 'things'. Yet again, the things which were fresh in my mind were exactly what I needed to know - and I pulled out section after section of the 'Bored with Life' article I had still only half finished at home. Motivation was the key and I tried everything.
'You like drinking wine don't you?' I asked knowing the question was heavily loaded with a huge conversation. She agreed she did. 'How many wines are there in the world for you to try while you are still here to try them? You can't taste wine or eat anything when you die you know! You can't smell anything or hear either. Why? Because your eyes, nose, ears and mouth are burried six feet under the ground with the worms. Heaven is filled with everlasting love and bliss but when you are made of light, and without a sold body to do things with, you can't enjoy the things we take for granted down here.' I think I got through. In the middle of this, my guide told me quite clearly to say 'Count Your Blessings', which I did as I left; and she promised to list all the positive things in her life for me to read on her birthday on Saturday. We huged as I left. 'You're all right' I said.
The confidence and sense of direction was failing me as the day turned to night and the TV was switched on. I really wanted to finish Alex's book so I could get on with Gill Edwards' latest inception which I bought at the Ilkley fair for Tracy, but I just couldn't bring myself to finish it. Just as I was about to go to bed and enjoy a new electric blanket (domated the day before from my mums personal collection) I 'happened' to catch a programme on TV about spiritualist. At first I thought the show was for kids as the characters were all puppets with funny voices. Then a monologue from one one character (a cat) began to talk about very deeply seeded mystical subjects; such as the ability to travel anythere in the world at will [using some kind of auric communication lines - I forget the exact words]. Like all very important relayed messaged of this kind, I managed to forget every part of it except one key message which sticks out above the rest. In this case I remembered the final message given by the cat 'The drugs don't work' (in relation to being aware of the higher forces). This was the question I'd been asking for some time, and now I knew.
Just after dinner I was again invited up to the Yert to meet yet another friend of Daves named Elwyn (originally from the Netherlands), who was a very facinating character - and smoked dope like a maniac. Elwyn was very much in tune with theosophy and the nature of reality as he saw it. Quite a lot of what he said made sense and fueled my fires once again on a deep level. It was a great experience to meet someone else who regarded the local drinking and dancing nightlife as something misguided and unnecessary; like the song lyrics 'they know what is what, but that don't know what is what, they just strut'. In a few nights time I'd know what a real good night out was all about (15/11/01), but that night was still special as I attended the awareness group. This time we were seated in three small balanced circles and individually took turns to give off any impressions we picked up. I started off with with a bunch of mysterious symbols, which nobody took, but after a smart interjection from Francis I was well on the right road and giving useful survival evidence and comfort to the recipient from her diseaced uncle. Slowly but surely I was picking up mediumship.
After a brief visit to mums to drop off an Enya CD she'd reluctantly lent me (which was just what I needed for the 'soul music' collection), I rejoined my friends at the spiritualist church in Great Harwood. I was particularly looking forward to this meeting because I knew man named Michael - the most egoless, charismatic, down-to-earth, inspiration of a man would be at the front giving philosophy. I first saw Michael a few weeks before at Blackburn and I instantly knew him as a great man in every sense. The gathering wasn't a dissapointment; quite the opposite, the session was so much more transfixing than I could have ever wildly hoped to imagine; and my mind sored as he recounted story after story about just a small part of him life working for spirit. He was a medium but he was also used as a helper to guide lost souls back to heaven after they had died; and did this work quite regularly as he slept during the night. He described how he and a friend worked together to talk to spirits who, for one reason or another, found it difficult to leave the Earthly plane and return home, and often a higher entity would help them with this work. Micheal went on to describe how a 'large indian' spirit would bring all the souls these spirit workers had collected to a fixed location, where they would board a boat which would take them across the sea of light and on to the higher level. During this voyage, spirits returning to the collective would be anxious and would need to be upset by the process of dying - and this is where the helpers, including Michael, would sit beside them on this voyage and talk through their fears.
"Why do higher forces use people who are still alive to help them guide spirits home? And why do they use a boat? People who have recently died still think they are alive, and often ignore the spirits who come down to help them thinking they are imaginary ghosts or something to be afraid of. But they will go to someone who is still alive as they know they are not ghosts and are just friendly people who they can talk to. The ship is also a reassurance as they make their way to heaven - it is a familiar shape which people can accept straight away and also makes sure the spirits can be ferried back and forth safely and easily across time and space."
The hour and a half was one of the most pleasurable times I had ever spent, and I couldn't help going over to speak to Michael after the philosophy and stories had ended. Explaining how I wasn't sure of my vocation and how I had already worked out and read a lot about spiritual matters, I tried my best to make him understand my predicaments. Kindly, he confirmed several of my feelings about light and love and explained how meditation and prayer could work for those who needed help. 'If you really want a good guide, don't ask for help from any old spirit who happens to pass, ask the top man himself and he'll make sure the best one for you is sent to help. You can and should also ask about your path and your vocation for inspiration. I know our paths will cross again, so keep your ears open and tell me how you get on.' Just as he had found his teacher when he was ready, so I had found my role model just as I needed it.
The nights dreams were certainly magical and taught me a lot. I half expected to see angels and boats after having been inspired by Micheal at the church, but instead I was shown something more interesting. I had a yellow car which, as per usual in all my car dreams, was on the blink and failed to start. Several helpers got the engine going and I set off down the road riding on top of this thing like a bike. Looking down to find the accelerator I pulled at a level, but every time I did so it slowed me down. So I looked around the other side of the vehicle and found a larger flat peddle and pressing it sent me moving faster from 5mph up to around 30. I knew as I awoke that this vehicle clearly represented my spiritual 'drive and direction' and that I was looking at the 'wrong side of things'. Sure enough, it seemed like I always treated spiritual progression quite lightly, like a bit of fun, and saw the rest of the world as very serious. As Micheal had pointed out, spiritual forces should be treated seriously if you wanted to use them as this was 'reality' and the rest of the world was really the funfair designed to keep us all challenged and amused. I really was looking at things the wrong way.
After the miracle of the screwdriver I got back in bed and, as Micheal had so enthusistically encouraged, began to meditate on 'the light' and prayed for guidance. I also used reiki to increase my bodily vibration and selected a green crystal for some 'love work'. As I prayed I received a very clear message that the higher force of God was listening and would indeed recognise my efforts to help humanity. Then as if on auto-pilot I began the Lords Prayer, and recognised the pure truth behind every word and every line - it all made perfect sense. Hoards of loving angels came rushing towards me as I completed the last lines of the prayer which sent my body tingling and shivering with the vibrations all around me, and again tears of sheer humbile gratitute formed. There came a breif insight about the negative energies all around my mother; so I sent her absent healing until I could get over to her place and clear these negativities myself; and finally used reiki on the crystal and my heart to open up my love channels. It felt like an hour had passed but looking around I saw I'd only used half an hour. If I could do this work for half an hour a day I would soon be reaping endless pleasures.
Among the 15 of us was a girl; my age with blond hair and quiet personality, who had found the church after a recend brevment in the family. I could see staight away that she desperately needed love to take her away from the hum-drum and onto where she was ment to be. She fancied me, I could tell because she wouldn't take her eyes off me all day - even staring from across the room while I ate my dinner. She had a lot of qualities I had been looking for, but something just didn't attract me to her. I remember once saying 'I could happily go with anyone who loved me' but I was coming to realise that lust was definately needed for things to happen.
The main trial of today was my own personal quest to give out as much unconditional love as I could, in the hope that my heart would be able to give it and feel it easier that it always had done. During the first section of the talks we were lead into a meditation, and instead of letting my mind visualise whatever it fancied as I usually did, I poured out as much love into the circle as I possible could - especially the people who I thought needed it most. Afterwards, the lady sat next to me actually said she could feel this vibration moving around the circle. Later on the lunch break, I tried to give out to people walking around on the street, no matter what they looked like. At first I remembered a point made by Betty Shine about people draining the energy of 'givers' sunconciously to top up their own flagging aura; but then I realised this this love was actually flowing through me rather than from me and so I could never be drained by directly giving. A very hard skill to master.
During the day I also had a reply to one of my adverts for the computer - which still hadn't left the front room and was becomming annoying to see day after day. The guy was only a few streets away from me in Accrington; amazing since the advert had appeared in a nationwide online magazine. The church was also an experience that night. First someone I hardly knew handed me a Peridot crystal to try out saying it would help lift my vibrations while meditating. I just loved the generosity and thoughfulness of these people; and Peridot was just the stone I needed to purify the body, stimulate the mind and banish lethargy and laziness. Then the mediumship began and Trish was the reciever of several messages saying 'she must get out more and find love'. I began to get upset and wished I could do more to make this woman as happy as I wanted her to be. The old feelings I had towards her tried to come back up but I forced them down, making everything even worse. The rest of the service was a blur and when Trish came over to talk to her friends and I, who sat together, I couldn't reassure her and put my foot right in my mouth as I obviously hadn't been remembering all which was said to her. The only thing I could do was to get some water and drop into the healing room for some very much needed therapy.
Back in Accrington I called Simon, who happened to be home alone, and we got an also very much needed take-away. Surprisingly I felt in quite good spirits as we chatted about Minidisc players and car boot sales, and for this one time it was quite a comfort to slip back into my the old character Simon thought he knew so well. Earlier I had been meditating on why I used to swear a lot and couldn't see any reason for it - but I didn't even notice myself doing it as we talked very light-heartedly about F'ing this and F'ing that. Street talk. Then another surprise. One of the gems I'd been looked for at the last psychic fair in Ilkley was an Emerald (recommended in Star Signs as one of my 'must have gems' along with amythist) but I couldn't find one. They were very expensive as you would expect. And now Simon pulled a card from his mantle-peice saying 'Do you want an Emerald mate - I won this uncut stone in a competition'. This was just what I wanted, and would overshadow any Chirstmas present he might buy me this year.
I left myself open all afternoon in case someone should ring up about the computer. I seemed to know that I would only receive the cash for the computer when I had decided the right way to use the money. I was still deciding. A quick trip to my mothers around 5:30 made sure she got a welcome top-up of reiki, and I made sure the room got an energize as well, after being shown last week that she was sitting too long in her own negativity. The time was ten past six before I left the house - late for church I thought. Ordinarily I would have put my foot down and ragged the car around every corner to get there on time, but instead I thought 'well, if I'm ment to be there tonight I'll get there in time'. All the lights were on green and I arrived with five minutes to spare!
Open Circle was a little different that night - I opened my channels knowing I wouldn't receive any messages and a voice said 'let some other people work tonight'. I didn't want to receive, I had other ideas; and all night I set about sending love towards each speaker and each recipient in turn. The vibration of the circle was lifted and one woman actually fell asleep! Afterwards I came to talk to Peter and Ann who were ready for a break in the North of Wales. I was also interested to learn that they were also about to be attuned to Reiki level 1. Peter, a very intuitive soul, impromptually directed my attention to an advert in Psychic News magazine about a free open week at the Arthur Finley College - home of the UK spiritualist movement, and a place I'd longed to visit to take part on one of their advanced training cources. As usual the money would be a problem but here may be a solution, and a short time later I found myself on the SNU website enquiring about this opportunity.
'
I don't know quite when I started smoking cigarettes again, although I found I was enjoying a relaxing drag after the housework today. Only one a day to begin with - just enough to curb the cravings to get 'out of myself' for a while. Some people do this though drink. I used to do it though cannabis, but now I needed something to save me from either of these. Several months later I realised that Ron had predicted this resurgence in 2000, although at the time I thought he was talking about cannabis. To me the cigs were now the lesser of the two evils.
At first I thought I was remote-viewing as this had been in my mind just the night before as I looked fondly over Psychic Warrior. I saw a large building on fire, but when I looked again it simply wasn't there, even though the rest of the street was unchanged. Unlike the first set of lucid dreams I had had back in October, I wasn't in control on myself or the dreams I was being presented with; although they were so very much clearer even than real life. A car came into view, and I imediately recognised it as a shiny blue Ferrari with the roof down. Inside was an immaculate cream interior, and as I climbed in I saw the gear stick was lying on the floor and had been replaced by a nice new one. A group of men talked in a car in front of me but I couldn't pass this up - not for a hundred men; I started up the engine and gentle pressed the soft accelerator. Then blackness! I could feel myself moving and changing gear but I couldn't see anything! Even trying to imagine the view would make anything appear and... I.. woke up. The time was 12:51. I was starting work at 1:00. So after convincing myself that I had to get up straight away, I put on the autopilot, got dressed and drove down to work; and although this was one busyest Saturday I'd seem for a long time, I visualised/ordained a parking space and found a spot no problem. I couldn't beleive it when I clocked in only 2 minutes late - I'd been even later than this after setting off even sooner! After a while reality caught up with me and the super-reality of the dreams faded away. I was greatful for my Ferrari, even though in the light of day it looked like my trusty old maroon red Ford Orion.
To begin with, everything seemed quite normal. I man from Blackpool called asking about the Amiga computer, and we arranged for him see the machine that evening. At last there was light at the end of this tunnel - but I wasn't counting any chickens until the eggs were being counted out on my table. In a flash the day seemed to be over, but still not sign of my Amiga buyer. I called the number he gave me several times, and each time his wife said he had already lef5t. By 9pm he called me to say he'd broken down on the motorway and wouldn't be able to make it after all. This Amiga sale was beginning to turn into a curse! So I was left sitting on the sofa reading a new book - Pure Bliss by Gill Edwards - the book I had picked up for Tracy at the Ilkley fair and was determined to read before I handed it to her for Christmas. As I began to read I was amazed by how well this book would suit Tracy's needs. She was always telling me how she didn't have enough time and there weren't enough hours in the day for what she wanted to do. Gills book offered a solution to this problem by helping the reader become aware of the present moments, and enabling the self to enter the ego-less world of 'soft time'. It did make sence.
As I put the book down I picked up a printout of the 105 Laws of the Universe I'd drafted to show Alex. The law of karma set my mind spiralling out of the window and soon I was asking; and getting answers to; all the questions flowing though my mind. I was still thinking about it all as I went to bed, and more and more things set me smiling as I realised the truth behind it all. The electic blanket warmed me as I slide between the fresh sheets but I bearly noticed as I fell straight to sleep...
As was the way on Mondays, it was spiritual awareness class, so I set off from Simons in good time and made may way into Blackburn - where a serious set of roadworks was waiting to stall my progress. The whole of the town centre had been dug up, and by the time I'd gone around the houses and found the street I needed, the doors had been locked shut. I took a deep breath on the autumn air and remembered how there must be a reason for this let down. I couldn't wait to get home and find oyt why. The reason was quite plain and obvious; it wasn't anything to do with bad karma, which I had thought I was under the spell of, my higher self explained there were three reasons for it. Firstly to show me how I was taking the class for granted and that I would now appreciate it all the more. Secondly to make me come home and go into a much needed meditation for find out the answers, and thirdly because the spirits had been up all night giving me this information on karma; and since I wouldn't ever have access to this fading channel of information again, I had better get up and get back to work on the article! I also received a very strong push off the sofa and onto my feet, and I realised that what I had been told about 'getting a push in the back whenever I ignore a book' (9/9/01 - another 9 date!) was relating to MY book rather than the ones I am reading. The spirits are pushing me to get on and write!
So I went over to Pendle Hill to see of this pattern was just a freak of nature - but no, the the contours of pendle showed the very same anti-clockwise pattern, and the surringing towns were lying on the spiral lines. Two more hills also showed the same pattern and it wasn't long before I put two and two together. Why were these shapes anti-clockwise? Why were the cells in our bodies geared clockwise? I realised that by reversing the cells in our bodies as Linda had suggested, we would align them with the 'flow of the grounding Earth', and so rather than finally leave Earth, we could reverse the aging process and stay around on this Planet for however long we wanted! Even the Bioflow watch I had boght for my mother (and also wearing) had an anti-clockwise, anti-aging logo on the face to suggest that a similar process was taking place - and guess what - my watch; which I always wore on the opposite wrist; was loosing time and slowing down. Now I knew that whenever the battery was running out on this thing, it still always managed to keep perfect time until the very end. So why was it now running slow? Because the bioflow was slowing down the aging 'time' of my body?
Alex came over to visit that evening, as if to commemorate the third month of our first meeting, and she was fasinated by all I had discovered. She agreed that these things weren't just co-incidence and fully understood the mystique of the mountains. Of course I had been shown all this by the fact that the 'light' had been shining just on the part of the map I needed to look at.
"You will have some very good opportunities this month for developing a network of associates that will be beneficial to you in the relatively near future. Your creative energies will be running high as will your energy level in general. This combination will allow you to produce some of your best work ever. Do not let any 'bah-hum-bugs' stand in your way... if what you are doing feels good, then it is good. You must believe in yourself, especially when nobody else does. Remember, your reassurance comes from a higher source... tap into these energies often. You must stay very focused and committed through this time in order to achieve the ultimate outcome." (C) astrologyguide.com
Now I had time to properly take a look at that damn CDrom drive for the computer. The night before I'd managed to get it runnig for about and hour before the thing packed up, and I failed to spark any new life into it now no matter how hard I tried. There was only one thing for it, a complete rewiring; which would take a long time to do. I couldn't be bothered doing it now, besides, I had deceided to make this day a soft-time day - although by 6pm I still hadn't ventured from the computer screen. Before I left for the spiritualist church; decidedly late after plunging into a belated bath; I took out a letter from the woman who ran the free week at the Arthur Finley College (19/11/01), who had kindly written back to tell me more about the course. I'd need a reference from someone in authority if I were to be entered for the 'prize draw' to see which people were to attend. The odds were slim, very slim, as there would only be six people chosen from 14 regions of the uk - 84 people in all from the hundreds of spiritualist churches up and down the country. But again this seemed to have been handed to me for one reason or another, so I just loved to go for it.
After the class I had to rush off to pick up a cake for my nans 100th birthday. Mum had it all payed for and the plan was to meet at mums/nans residential home to present her with it. Of course she didn't know who I was when I showed up with it - old age effects the memory appearantly - but I was glad for the first time to be with this old lady before she was no longer with us on the physical plane. I wasn't worried or anxious now, and even managed to smile for the family photos even though I knew my hair was having a bad day outside of my awareness. Then off I went to do the essentials for the day; which were all done at a very relaxed and yet motivated speed throughout; before returning to the retirment home in the evening for a buffet party. Nan was asleep by this time so it felt rather a shame to wake her for the family photographs. The occasion was much lighter even than last year and I was glad to be part of the get-together, even if it would be the last I'd see for a long time.
I dropped mum off at home and went over to the Open Circle. A message eventaully came though and again it was for Francis. It seemed like the spirits were slowly trying to teach me by giving me messages for the teacher. Slowly but surely the information was pulled out of the ethers, and although the outcome was a bit of an anti-climax, Francis seemed more than happy with it. After this evening I would go even deeper into the subject, and the spirits would guide me onwards though bigger and more difficult situations.
More work training; this time on the new Asda computer based learning system installed as part of the Walmart upgrade package around store. I passed the lot and; much to my delight and surprise; I recieved a new printed name badge to replace the temporary paper badge I'd worn for at least a good few years. Something made me proud of that small acheivement; like the feeling you get by pinning little paper cards up on the wall at Christmas. Just a small token, but it really made me feel part of the Home and Leasure team at last. And to cap it all off, I walked into the staff canteen to find I was about to have the free Christmas lunch we got every year from Asda. The quality of the turkey roll was another matter....
"Well, I think my best effort is just as good as anybody elses best effort'. And of course it was, as who can ask any more of a person than the best they can do? I know this message set quite a few minds at ease in that room, who silenty patted themselves on the back for a job well done. I waited until I got home before I even allowed myself to do the same.
The town was quite busy for a Monday as I walked down hoping to meet some friends from college. They didn't turn up, but in the back of my mind I knew why. I sat on a bench outside Woolworths and just watched the world go by. I'd only have to wait ten minutes before I knew they weren't coming so I cooly just sat. I wasn't anxious being around these people. I wasn't self-concious about myself either. I just felt 'in the world'. How long has I waited just to feel this? A few months ago I'd have been hard pressed to do this simply thing. The future was looking brighter!
The last awareness class of the year also went down very well. I passed on the gifts Trish and Peter hand ordered though Hawkin's, and Trish made sure I knew I woud receive the money for it by next Sunday night. All sorts of 'tools' were brought out to hon our sixth-sence skills, including crystal pendulums, divining rods, cards and ribbons; which I had a go with later. But first of all, me and my partner for the night, Gwen, were asked to use symbol cards and Angel cards to help us relay messages to each other. Of course, the first simbol card I picked out of the deck was a heart shape, and Gwen had no trouble at all seeing what I had been hoping and searching for. A little later we used the Angel cards and two clear masseges came though for me. Firsly how my relashionship with my mother would eventally settle and balance, and secondly, now that my depression was in it's last throws, I should beware and be aware of the things happening around me so as not to act too hastily. I knew this was an important point as it wouldn't take much for me to jump in bed with a girl and fall in love. Strangly, this was the second message this week saying that the things I had come though would be ending - I thought the depression had gone, but all too subtily I now saw that it hadn't up until now.
In the meantime I was struggling to see my own reflection. I noticed I had started to gossip about people; something I found so unnecessary and harmful was becoming part of my psyche. I had also started judging people and being two-faced about things just in order to keep everybody happy and friendly. I had to find out why. Why? The moment was all around me and yet I couldn't see it. The flow was drifting past my ears and eyes and I couldn't feel it. Instead my thoughts were being pulled this way and that instead of straight in any one direction. I'm caught inside this human body. But I'm not human, I'm a spiritual being who happens to be living inside a humanoid body; and seeing the miracle of life though interested eyes all too often blinded to the real joy of living by petty trivia. Where is the wood among all these trees?!
The night offered a very refreshing releif in the form of escapism into recreational drugs. I knew drugs would never find me happiness (and neither would materialsm, money or power) but I was weak and I knew it. After about an hour my mind joined with my guides and we had a very long interesting conversation about Things. Where was my patience, compassion, understanding, groundedness, coolness, genuiness? The answer was obvious and I wrote the words down as they were spoken into my ear - Meditation! Meditation! Meditation!!
Simply getting back to this practice would ground my body on this plain, my mind in the mental plain and my spirit in the spiritual realm. It would give me back the determination to carry on with my flagging spiritualism (not to mention the book); it would give me back my ability to freely love and be confidenct within myself without lust. Then the topic changed to karma. I saw clearly how karma worked and how the practice of the buddhist metta bhavana was the way to stack up positive karma for the self as well as others. Mindfulness would help me become aware of each day and each moment, so the sooner I could get back to a regular practice the better. No drink, no smoking (in the absence of meditation, I was told that cigarettes and especailly cannabis temporarily connected the body to the astral in much the same way; and by giving up dope, my body had been drawn to cigarettes simply as a way to keep up the connection), and no drugs except for those times when I needed a big insight just like tonight. Lots of interesting ideas came through and I was shown just how astrology works and how healing crystals simply manipulate the vibrations of the chakras and the aura to do their work. Quite simple really. With the coming waxing moon I'd make sure some of this reached the computer... even just though this journal.
"Live in the moment and see where you are", came the reply "Just be aware of where you are every time you change your location. Don't be too worried about what you can hear, or smell, or feel inside or out, just realise where you are and I'll tell you more next week."
After such a long and deep voyage it took me quite a while to come back, but I eventually came back to my body around midnight and opened Pure Bliss again determined to make much needed headway.
After college I made my way over to Great Harwood to drop a card through Kits front door. I hoped she would be in but instead an elderly lady came out and took the envelope from my hand. Inside I had put £30 which I had been hoping to give Kit to pay for the Bowen treatment she has gratiously given for 'free' earlier that year. I really wanted to sent £40 but something made sure only 30 made in into the card for reasons best known to those who oversee matters. A quick call on Beverly later and I was back home again. After the inspirations of last night I really wanted to notice the world a lot more, and see myself within it - whereever I was standing - but I found even this lession in awareness hard enough to adopt even for a short while.
The last church of the year was more like a friendly knees up and a joint meal. I wasn't too bothered whether I stood up or not, but as usually happens to me, I asked, and a message came though which I just had to stand up with and give off. This time things were a little more tricky as, unbeknown to me, I had two crossed links. Finally the message came though but only after much unconnected and usless information had been given. It looked like I was being taught a few extra lessons today! We all brough a little something to eat for a light meal after the circle was closed for the evening. None of us brought mince pies (for a change); I brought a Burgen soya loaf, some Pure soya spread and a bunch of bananas to make up a meal. Mark was there too; his first open circle; and seemed quite a lot happier with himself than I had seen since I first met him in church. After chatting to him lately, I realised that Mark was in need of some crystal energy, so I took my Red Tiger Eye stone from my own collection and gave it to him as kind of a Christmas present. He reported to feeling much better and much more motivated while carrying the stone. Thats good news. I had also leant him my beaten up copy of Betty Shines Mind To Mind in the hope that it's magical healing energy would work it's wonders on him, as it did with me while I read it... He agreed it did indeed.
Thanks to a game we played at awareness class, I had had my eye on the cards we used to play the game for quite a while. Now at last I was in possession of the card I really wanted - the one which seemed to sum me up in the form of a delicate picture of an Angel; along with five others. Trish took a fancy to one so I made sure she took it home without a hint of 'buying it off me' as she wanted to do. So that left me with five; one of a fairy ring, a pair of unicorns, a mother overlooking a child, the original picture I wanted, and the eyes of a buddha figure. All these magically seemed to describe me and my hopes and dream through sheer brilliance of art, so I wasted no time I getting them all blown up to put on my wall (and give one to mum for Christmas).
As I entered the shopping town center I was immediately drawn towards a bookshop, and inside I found a book on enlightenment and a spell book used to attract love and a soulmate into my life. Two great finds and both for less than a fiver! The shop I would eventuually use to blow up my five cards was temporarily closed for dinner so I made my way up to an electrical shop to search out a fast modem. As luck (!) would have it, a really great 56k modem was in the window for £44.99 - I had £44.02p but the shop owner let me off for a pound. If I'd gone into the photo shop first I'd have had to go all the way back to the bank to get enough for the modem. When I came back to the photo shop I had drawn out another £30 to cover the cost of whatever I bought. I asked for two frames to put the pictures in and the lady mistakenly took three. I thought about saying something but I didn't get any great urge to change events. The final bill came to £29.30 and my £30 covered it. Funny how things turn out.
Much later that night I went back onto the spreadsheet to make sure all the causion I'd been throwing into the wind hadn't damaged my bank balance. As things worked out I had enough to cover all my bills and pay off Simon at last, and still have plenty left until pay day in ten days time. Yeah funny; that's a good word for it.
Horoscope: Leave trouble alone this month. Trust your own judgement when it comes to deciding what's safe and what's not. If others think you're being silly, just let them. Recent events have set your adrenalin flowing. You are fired up with expectation, energy and excitement. You're not exactly ecstatic about your situation but you are at least willing to rise to what seems like an enormous challenge. You are ready for anything other, perhaps, than what now seems to be taking place. The drama, adventure, risk or point of conflict is vanishing like a mirage in the desert. You can't understand it and you feel let down. Now what? Nothing. That's what. All you have to do in December is relax, re-adjust and accept that you've won a war. There's no need for another battle. (c) Cainer.com
Pure Bliss was in it's last throws so I decided just to note down the chapter headings and the quote of wisdom at the end of each chapter to help me remember what I had learned from the book. Two hours later, I had typed in what I needed; but I would have to buy the book myself anyway, just for reference. Immediately afterwards I called Alex to see if I ccould drop her Christmas present off, but I was too late, three minutes too late to be exact, and she wouldn't be back until late the next day. Next I tried Carl and Tracy, and a short time later I went around to drink and chat with them. There was still something magically grounding and peaceful about that place, but despite several attempts to go I found I was still sitting there at two in the morning. After that there wasn't much point in going to bed, so as I got home I made myself a meal and played on the Playstation most of the rest of the night. Tombraider 3 was now playing; maybe this game would last a whole year as TR1 had done. Maybe the lack of sleep that night would set me up for a good nights sleep the night after. Maybe I should make the best of it, since after Christams I had to get my act together or the book would never get written.
I got home and made a call to mum to finalise plans for the next day. Then I had to relax. Out came the ganja again (the small amount I still had left after selling off what I had) hoping to god that I would forget about all my troubled and see the big picture. Miracles do happen! Within an hour I had completely let go of my ego self and instead I found myself under the rule of my higher self - my true self. I was happy, joyous, spontanious, childlike, relaxed, totaly non-selfconcious, wild, free, open and the whole range of other things I really wanted to be all the time and not just when I could step outside myself. The world really did seem like a dream, a place where I could do anything I wanted. The world is a dosshouse, a place to be taken lightly and casually. The universe is a friendly place. The real world - the spirit world - is never far away, and makes this world look like what it is - a playground. I asked how I could live in this Pure Bliss, this Soft Time that I realised was my birthright all along. On top of the lessons I'd already picked up (16.12.01) such as how to be in the present, use meditation and the main rules: relax, stay grounded and be concious, I was also given a very important breakthrough.
"Fuck it!!", can the voice not too abrasively. "Worried about how others see you?, fuck it. Worried about how you see and how to be yourself? Fuck it!, stop trying so hard. Don't try! Let it all go. Be spontanious - who cares if you don't - and if they do, you don't, so what does it matter? You may see the big picture. Laugh about it because life is a joke. A joke on you. If you can't take the joke then it is you who feels bad. If you can take the joke then it is you who feels happy and free. And when you are you can spread joy and laughter to the world. Feel liberated. Be childlike again. Don't care if you talk to 'yourself' out loud. Don't give in to regrets, if things just don't turn out right, then the best way to deal with it is to accept it and get on with cleaning up the mess. Fuck it! You won't change overnight, but change you will. And when you have found yourself then you don't need to think about how to fine tune yourself or to be a more pleasuing person to yourself and others. You will be your own guru. That's right, spell it out, Gee U R U. You ARE YOU! You!! That's where your search begins and ends. Everything you have always wanted to be. Every moment you can grap. Every emotion you can realise when you are you. Who cares??!"
Then I said goodbye to everybody, including a very nice young girl working on the evening shift, and set off back to Accrington. After all my apprehentions, the cemetry was a lot more enjoyable now that I was more myself again. I linked arms with mum as we casually stolled around the stones in sharp but bright and clear December afternoon. We drove back to mums with a 60's tape playing and I was in the mood for some karaoke. Hi Ho Silver Lining seemed to speak a deep cord:
"And its Hi Ho Silver Lining, everywhere you go yeah baby.. I see your sun is shining, but don't make a fuss, 'cause it's obvious."
The traditional Christmas dinner made way for the present opening. I received a great green jacket and a pair of dark green jeans; which was actually just what I wanted, a pair of tea towels, a bookmark, a small box of belgian chocolates and a £10 gift voucher from Alex as well as a pair of Lord Of The Rings socks from my supervisor Sue at work. I really wanted to go and see that film! I'm not sure how mum likes the air purifier, the pictures and the incense I bought her. To spend more time with each other, I suggested turning off the brainwash box and getting out a game instead. We played cards and with a very old mastermind game we used to play when I was a kid; except this time I was the one who won nearly every game and mum was the one to get bored and do something else. Every part of life seemed to be more enjoyable today and I hoped this new found freedom wouldn't dissappear to leave me searching for it all over again.
Busy, busy, busy. Asda was always packed at this time of year, and today was no exception. The car park was full to the brim, so I had to park miles away and bring it around later. Thanks to my Turquoise stone, things were far less infuriating for me than they were for almost everyone else in the place. Even my cool attitude seemed to annoy the hell out of people.
During the lunch break I wandered into the staff rest room and watch at bit of TV with Stacy. Even though I was trying to be a new me, I realised that after all this time I was still talking with a monotone voice and quite a boring one at that. No wonder people didn't like to conversate too often. I still had a way to go before I could shake off my past and life in the glowing present. Another thing I had noticed over the past weeks was that life indeed mirrored me and my reality. The people around me were unhappy and moody as I was until very recently, so now I took every opportunity to cheer them up and jest a bit to lighten the mood. This kind of behaviour was winning me new friends all the time.
Horoscope: No matter what you do or where you go, you probably won't quite shake off a feeling of frustration as you enter 2002. Something is clearly wrong and this is irritating you. What you may not understand is quite how lucky you are to have this problem. It is the seed of motivation which, once planted in the fertile soil of a brand new year, is going to ensure that you move at the speed of greased lightning towards a radically different lifestyle. Be glad of and grateful for whatever it is that is seemingly driving you barmy this week. Provided you don't do too much to make matters worse, you will soon see an inspiring, viable way to make them a whole lot better - and to keep them that way. (c) Cainer.com
Today was a lot more down-to-earth. All I wanted to do was to cook and make enough meals to see me though until next pay day. 5 hours later I'd made at least 30 meals and was well over my old record for meal cooking. This time the new 'dish of the day' was a kind of jumbleiya made in the frying pan with mince, onion, chicken, mushrooms, tomatoes and sweetcorn. Trying different things was always something exciting and made sure I'd be able to cook lots of interesting things by the time a girl came along to impress.
I had a full day to look back over the year and reflect on life. I could hardly beleive I was the same person. A few days before I'd unearthed a song I wrote in the depths of Depression and I couldn't accosiate with this person any more. It certainly didn't feel like me at all. I looked back to my nans birthday last year and it felt like ten years back. How far had I come from who I was? I very long and winding road as they say. The future looked brigher, much more open and creative, more enjoyable and spontanious, more me being really me. A look again at the Tarot showed the slow hermit path was still at my feel for a little longer, but this didn't really matter now I wasn't straining to climb uphill or was endlessly slipping downhill. I toasted in the New Year with a pint of cider and a cigarette, and the fireworks outside heralded the presence of a brave new chapter in the experience we call life.
"Number 5
"You were in a "6" cycle
1999 - First visit to a clairvoyant - Emily. Main points were: My Future
Introduction
The years up until 2001 had been hard. Now at last I was confident that I wouldn't go mad, and that things would get better. This was the time of change and gradual progress away from Depression and negativity and back towards beautiful blue light of positivity and growth. This was also the year when I discovered the real universe, and of spirituality; and my helpers and guiders made sure I was pushed onto the right path with every book I read, every new project I undertook, every new direction I traveled in, and even the things I saw on TV, in newspapers, and heard in musical lyrics, seemed to nudge me ever forward. I Wish I could write down every little 'coincidence' and 'whisper' I noticed was happening every day - setting up chains of future events - but by the end of 2001 I realised that everything happens for a reason!
Cast of Characters:
The following people were the major players in this years events.
Mum (Mother)- A woman with issues.
Simon - My best friend, known from school
Gaz - A friend, introduced through Simon (and known from school)
Paul - An aquaintance, introduced through Simon
Taz - Former colleague from Asda wines & Spirits dept.
Beverly - Co-owner of a curiosity/spiritual shop near me
Kit - Practitioner of the Bowen Technique (also worked at Asda)
Tracy - My Reiki master
Ken - Buddhist order member
Ron - Clairvoyant
Trisha - A fellow Reiki classmate and introducer to Spiritualist Church
Liz - Girlfriend 1997
Alex - Girl-friend met through church
Sarah - Girl from college
Harry - A Local car mechanic
Francis - Co-runner of the spiritualist church awareness classes
Keith - Co-runner of the spiritualist church awareness classes
Mark - Friend met through church
Back Story
1988 - Spanish holiday with Roy
1989 - My mothers mum (Joan) dies
1990 - Tenerife and Keswick with Frank
1990 - First signs of Depression
1992 - Finish Secondary School and start Youth Training
1991 - Tom
1992 - My mothers dad (Ian) dies
1992 - First Amiga Computer
1994 - Stopped talking to my mother, Depression grows
1994 - Start college
1995 - Greece holiday
1995 - Hospital operation to have all back teeth out.
1995 - First car - red Ford Escort
1995 - Started Asda in Customer Restaurant
1996 - Toured Britain for a month in the car
1996 - Complete college cource and start Degree
1997 - (Feb) 21st Birthday
1997 - Depression now really noticable, start Prozac
1997 - First relationship - Liz
1997 - Begin treatment for impotency
1998 - (Feb) Move out of family home, change car & job (Asda BWS)
1998 - See a counsellor for 12 weeks
1998 - (May) Quit Degree course at college
1998 - (June) Introduced to Cannabis
1999 - Depth of Depression, suicidal thoughts
1999 - First visit to clairvoyant (see below)
1999 - Third car
2000 - (Mar) Forced to leave BWS and started on Home and Leasure at Asda
2000 - (May) First visit to Palmist (see below)
2000 - Read 'Mind to Mind' by Betty Shine - started my search for Spirituality
2000 - Met Debbie at a Mind, Body, Spirit fair at Skipton
2000 - (Jun) Took Debbie to Glastonbury festival and found buddhism, meditation and yoga
2000 - (Sept) Started to attend Blackburn Buddhist Center
2000 - First signs of Depression slowly breaking
2001 - ...
Event Line
The major events of 2001 are listed below. When I finally get the chance to learn about the mystic arts and of Numerology, I realised that some of my numerological numbers fitted in with key dates of this year. My number are 5 and 9 (and numbers which add up to 5 or 9). I noticed that quite a few key dates of this year fell on or around these numbers, and that the 5 and 9 also had important meanings of their own:
9, 18, 27 - energy, confidence, motivation, positive actions
2nd Jan - Began voluntary work at a drop-in centre
January
#
1st Jan 2001
New Years day came and went up in smoke as I vowed yet again to clean myself up. I'd been smoking Cannabis everyday for the last two years and, although it had undoubtedly got me though my worst moments and lowest lows, I wanted things to change. The meditation was going well, and sometimes getting high helped, sometimes not. I also wanted to read more book about spirituality and this was certainly were cannabis cause problems - although some of the insights I came up with when I got high were amazing. The worst part was that I was still in the thick of Depression. The rainy, stormy days had gone but the sky was still very dark and
cloudy. The only thing which seemed to make me feel better was smoking weed and helping other people with their problems. It seemed as though I was a natural 'listener'. Maybe I could get into the
counseling profession and this would solve all my problems. Nevertheless, this year began as it continued - the beginning of the end.
Two o' clock on the dot, I turn up at Maundy Grange - a drop in centre for the homeless,
penny-less and hopeless people in my local area. The place was run by quite an elderly nun and so was based on
Christian ideas of charity and giving. My Buddhism was going well, in fact it was one of my fellow Buddhists (Ken) who gave me the idea about voluntary work in the first place, and as I was going through a very compassionate phase I thought that some kind of
counseling role would suite my needs down to the ground. The interview went well, and I
explained my past run-ins with all kinds of emotional problems which would help me comfort people in similar situations, and although I was visibly still suffering from depression, she welcomed me in. Here I would come every Tuesday afternoon for the next five months. It also struck me that this was the 'temporary job for no money' Ron had predicted back last May.
Today I happened to drop into a shop I knew sold crystals and picked up a new Citrine size 1. While I was in there, the conversation happened to turn to Reiki, and I told her (Beverly) all about how I had found faith healing during my exploration of depression cures. I had also sat through a Reiki talk at one of those
Mind, Body and Spirit fairs and would be very interesting in finding out more. To my surprise, she knew quite a few Reiki people, and two practicing masters. At the time, Beverly was at a loss to find the addresses of these people, and I later found out that she was initially
skeptical about my level of spiritual maturity. Only after two weeks of repeated visits did she reveal the existence of a Reiki level 1 class coming up soon, and run by her friend Tracy.
The most amazing thing stirred my sleep last night as I enjoyed at least 5minutes of lucidity. The images were so real I thought I was awake, but I
obviously wasn't as I was sitting up on the bed of my old bedroom. I remembered picking up a book a reading some kind of deep philosophy from one of its pages; though I couldn't remember what I read. I also remembered seeing old 60's/70's style buses coming down the hill outside my window and me climbing down the drainpipe to escape the house. I awoke slowly and with a banging headache and sore bones. Had this thing made me ill? Whatever the cause, it took me over a week to recover after that and it got worse before it got better.
February
On a dinner break, I happened to notice a dark blue Ford Escort passing outside in the car park. Just for a second I wished I could own a car that looked like that; and as I could afford a new car very soon, this was the closest I had come to finding that elusive attraction. Auto Trader didn't reveal much more news, except to wet my
appetite for some dangerous XR3i's in my price range, but all the same I really wanted a sporty car - something with electric windows and a sunroof, and all the other fancy toys modern drivers take for granted.
My wishes came true. Paul, a friend of Simons was going off to work in France for 6 months and was selling his...blue Ford Escort - with alloy wheels, electric windows and mirrors, central locking, and a sporty engine to set the world on fire. I asked for a joy ride and was surprised to feel the raw power under my right foot. The back wheel spun on every corner! This was just what I wanted. I went back to the spreadsheet and worked out the budget for the next few months - just £200 short. Simon offered to lend me the money, so hopefully the car would be mine.
After a short delay, Paul sold me his car for £700 - a bargain I thought. I couldn't wait to drive around in it and get used to driving again. I hadn't driven since the previous November when my last car, a Ford Sierra, failed miserably to get though it's MOT. Somehow this car felt strange. Not like any car I'd driven before (or since), and I'd driven plenty of fast cars... I agreed to pay Simon back £50 a month, so hopefully the dept would be cleared by June. If only things had turned out as simple as that. (See 26th March 2001)
Thanks to the help Beverly, I found my way towards the Reiki level 1 class run in a private
living-room by Tracy. The odds were stacked against me at begin with - the battery on my new car had gone flat and I so I walking into town and caught the bus instead. When I finally arrived late, I was surprised to enter quite a
sparsly furnished living room, white and beige with many crystals lying around, a Hi-Fi, a TV and many plants. I soon forgot about the world outside, although I could see the fresh snow through the window, and time passed at a new speed.
Day two of the reiki class, and this time things ran even more smoothly. An excellent spread of vegetarian food got layed out for lunch and I had no trouble eating my fill. Everybody in the class
seemed spiritually charged in some way, like we were all pushed together for a weekend escape from reality. The last meditation was to close down and seal the gift, and afterwards I could feel my hands tingle like a small current was just under the surface. How fortunate were we?
March
#
14th March 2001
I hardly ever fall in love with a woman, I nearly always develop a crush on her first, which, 9 times out of 10, leads nowhere. At this time I had a crush on an extremely warm and happy-go-lucky personality which belonged to a woman I worked with at Asda. This was Leasa, and femininely
shaped active Piscean in her early to mid 30's who drew people towards her and raised their spirits like a magnet. Things had been
bubbling under the surface for some time by now, and I'm sure she had some idea of my mused state by the floods of smoothly operated flirty comments I always streamed towards an attractive woman. In this case they were begin reflected back off her goldfish bowl shield without the slightest hint of a 'come on'. To make matters even more interesting she was forever saying to me how her husband was always away and how she could get quite lonely on her own at home. You would think this was some kind of green light but on probing the situation further it was plain to see she was very comfortably married. The thing what surprised me the most was one question of
judgment which I was very tempted to answer. Leasa had three kids, 5, 7 and 9 years old - so would I consider seeing a woman I cared for even with the prospect of so many of someone
else's kids around me. Would they accept me? Could I accept THEM!
My great-grandmother, now ages a ripe 99 years old, had taken a bad turn, and so she was in hospital under the watchful eye of my mother (there were only us three left in our family). After many weeks of trying, mum finally got her a bed in the nursing home were she works, which would mean she could keep a lookout for her and care for her needs almost every day. So today was moving day. Mum came around to the house and we set off to 'nanas' to pick up a few essentials for the new room. As usual it felt strange going into such and old persons house; the place had not been decorated since the 60's and everything
smelt damp and cold. Mum was also in a state, and she drained my vital energy like mad. It took me quite a while to come back to my self after that.
Completed my document 'spiritual path' and handed it over to Beverly in the Glory Hole for assessment. Again we talked long about 'reality' and society in Britain. She promised to look over my work and let me know. In the meantime, I had a new book to read, Beverlys own copy of Psychic Warrior by David Morehouse, and I enjoyed reading every page of it.
Yet another crush was on the rocks as I tried to face up to the fact that me and Leasa would never move past square one. I was attracted to her sure, but somehow I just knew she would never leave her husband for me or anyone else. This was probably a good thing really as I'd been tempted to just in with a scary question or an unmasked feeling otherwise - and ended up with the thought of three kids to live with. Would I have gone through with it? Surely if her love was strong enough for me
I'd've ended up going that way. But then I had to push it all behind and inside me now before feelings were jumped on. I was
disappointed though.
Things may be looking up. A letter arrived in the post from the Citizens Advice Bureau with news that I'd won an interview with the boss. This is just the job I need to get me out of the rut. The hours will be long and the training hard, but I would find the determination from somethere. I couldn't fuck this up!
(sun)
The first of two annual Mind, Body and Spirit fairs was on this weekend, so I took the opportunity to get some more crystals. This time, I let my mother tag along, and, since it was Mothers Day anyway, I wanted to buy her a massage. Last year it had been Simon who drove and we both found the whole experience very
exhilarating and spiritually uplifting. I even picked up a girls phone number. Last year was also the first fime I had head about Reiki and dreamt of being able to use that power myself. Now I had that gift, all thanks to that last visit. Things seemed a little different this time, all the same attractions were there, and I even found Simon in the crowd who had decided to bring his family as well. But even though the vibe was still there, the complete feeling of overwhelming peace has somehow gone. Maybe there were simply too many people there this time, or maybe the newness had just worn off. All the same, a good day was had by all and I bought a new green and orange crystal for my own healing practice.
.
Monday - the day of reckoning. There seemed a long list of things to do day this day; as I lay pondering the best solution. The car papers needed to be signed, a mother had to be visited, reiki practiced, and a new treatment started - yet another attempt to fix my depression (this time known as the Bowen Technique). The car was still playing up, so I drove around to a
scrap-yard hoping to find a working distributor. I found a replacement and put it in. It didn't work. At least the Bowen seemed to have done something, something I couldn't put my finger on, but something. After a long chat with mum, and a promised deliverance of reiki, I headed off to see the father of the guy who sold me the car (since the ownership papers were still in his name).
.
I woke strangely cheerful and relaxed despite the awful events of the day before. Outside sat the metallic blue Ford escort of my dreams; with a smashed passenger-side wing and headlight. The car was a right-off, a trip to the garage confirmed it, so the dream machine (bought only a week before for £700) was no more. I tried to develop my own ways of understanding it; 'it was fate'; and I didn't treat it with good enough care, or the respect it obviously needed. Karma was being
paid back big time!, and I wished it hadn't been raining the day I failed to avoid a car as it sped from a blind side street. But all that was past news; the driver didn't even want to exchange telephone numbers, so I was obviously more than happy to hold onto the no-claims for another year. Yet everything seemed too easy - all I needed was a few hundred to get the car back together and everything would be fine again. But it wasn't. I stood outside H. Hitchens garage. In an instant I realised I had no car and no money to afford a new one. But as the mechanic looked on, scratching his head, a dark red Ford Orion drove in and received a pre-MOT hose down.
April
#
2nd April 2001
The second of my recommended three Bowen installments came around much to my relief. The practitioner named Kit; whom I had 'bumped into' by pure fate at Asda; was a very understanding women who knew her level of spirituality, and would put you straight on any of these issues if you expressed an opinion. I would begin the book she
recommended 'Living Magically by Gill Edwards' the very next day - a book I found to contain many unimaginable theories and a good few points of wisdom. I also filled her in on my accident and it's effects, to which she
immediately waved the healing fees so I could have more much needed cash.
Horoscope: "Assuming a leadership position at work or in your social circle is a terrific idea now that you're feeling so positive and purposeful. Where there's a will, there's a way, especially where your career is concerned. If you're intent on breaking into a new industry, make an appointment with a company president, manager or director. Your determination and enthusiasm is enough to win you a job. Don't be afraid to start at the bottom. Getting your foot in the door is the hardest part.
Today could be a major turning point in my, non-existent, career. At long last I had an interview with the Citizens Advice Bureau with a view to joining their voluntary staff program. I hope everything went ok; it seemed to.
I rang my mother after work to see how things were going. She had booked a holiday this week but now was unsure of if she
should go or not. My great-grandmother had not faired too well in her new residence and was taking turns for the worse. Mum thought it was almost time for her departure so she didn't want to depart herself on a holiday of worry. I thought it was home-sickness and assured her that a holiday was just what she needed after the
recent death of her beloved little dog. On Monday she went on holiday.
(sun)
The good news was, I still had a car - an H reg Ford Orion. The bad news was that the accident still
hadn't been sorted. I had eventually given the victims son (John) my insurance details to avoid further agony. The spreadsheet was now working overtime, and it turned out that the loss of my no-claims wouldn't be such a disaster after all. Then John came knocking on my door with another solution. Now the car COULD be repaired for as little as £400, and 'could I pay half the costs'. I explained my financial situation, and that it would take me 3 months just to raise £200; but this didn't seem to matter to him. I hope there will be a clear end to this soon.
I woke from a strange dream, a dream which involved running from, and then strangling a wolf with my bear hands. A few days later, I found out that this was a sign of 'overcoming a
strong force' but what this was saying I had no idea until the next day.
This time I didn't dream at all that night, but strangely I woke with my bedtime clothing beside me in bed, though I clearly remember putting them on before I got in... I remembered the two insights of the night before. Was I
any different? I didn't think so, so I went over them both again in more detail. Slowly my body changed, I stated breathing very long and deep as these realisations began to take hold again.
Yin and Yang. A £10 gift voucher came though the door from my insurance company, thanking me for my custom with them. Perhaps they wouldn't thank me if this accident claim went through. Then I opened the second letter; it was from the Citizens Advice Bureau:
(sun)
At last I got around to cooking, and this time I cooked enough for 20 meals in one go! It's surprising how far I can make a chicken go these days it really is. Now I knew four whole recipes! Chicken dinners, chicken curry and now tuna/pasta, and chicken/sweetcorn/pasta. Now all I needed was enough foil plates to freeze them all.
Went over to see Beverly again to see how things were. She still hadn't finished with my 'spirit path' notes but had lent then to somebody else
instead; another woman who also wanted to learn more about the universe. Perhaps I would get to meet this pilgrim and find out more.
One of my beliefs was realised today as I continued my philosophical studies. Apparently, my vision of 'every
life-form has a soul' was in fact first theorized my Aristotle 2000 years ago. It's great to know that my heart-felt theories are more than just a faith and actually have roots in time. Hopefully I'd discover more about this matter the deeper I went into philosophy. I
wished I knew who wrote the quote 'I do not invent, I rediscover.'
Pay day arrives at last after many weeks of baited breath - £40 short of the mark! I had hoped for quite a bit more, using the trusty spreadsheet to budget the income down to the last penny, but now maybe things are even tighter than expected. The bank had kindly allowed a free overdraft of £100, so bank balance would definitely be '-£100' again this month, as it has been for the last three months; but this time the bills were simply too many to pay off even with this. It looked like my new-found 'cooking on the cheap' skills were going to come in handy again.
(sat)
I had the feeling something was missing, like I was no longer spiritually connected like I was before. Things had been leaning that way since I 'found myself' on the 11th, when I vowed not to abandon the faith even though I no longer needed to lean on it for peace-of-mind. Perhaps it was due to the lack of meditation, especially mindfulness; or maybe it was just a temporary phase involving the moon or something. I went to work and spent all day doing jobs for others and not getting a thing done myself. Yet I felt more relaxed than I have done in a long time. Then an old friend came in and we talked at length about computers and the internet. It was nice to see Taz again, even though our e-mail conversations had run dry to say the least. He worked as an admin assistant for the Crown Prosecution Service; part of Her
Majesties law machine which basically revolved around getting (potential) criminals to court on time.
It was time to try that new astrology set which fell into my lap last Thursday night. What a gift! It also hit me that Ron had also predicted this last year, and although I couldn't see myself in the role at the time, here I was. There were many practical tools with the kit, but I avoided the Tarot cards and the Runes to begin with something a little less complicated. The Augury Cards seemed a good option, which is a system of prediction using images of birds, and although the instructions were surprisingly vague I did manage to ask the cards a few questions. The first one 'Will I meet a partner soon?'
revealed that although I was of strong and determined nature to the task, there would be dealings with less then honourable, underhand characters, I would be defensive. The second question proved a little more interesting, 'Will I find a girl within two months' showed there as a strong possibility of certain dreams coming true. 'Will my application to the CPS prove fruitful' indicated possible good news and 'Will I find financial stability soon' also showed there would be reward coming after a change. Only time will tell.
Finally got my Soul Evolution sheets back from Beverly this evening and stayed around for quite a long chat. Although Bev had hardly had time to read through the material herself, it had found it's way to a friend of hers also interested in these matters. The answers I got back from her were 'interesting', she seemed to think my ideas were based on some kind of early
Christian heresy and that I was somehow suggesting that life was merely entertainment for the gods. That night I made sure I set her straight on all the points she had illustrated.
One of Kits numerous pieces of advice was to get a book by Gill Edwards called 'Living Magically'. It took quite a while to dig up, but after a few weeks on order from the library it had arrived two weeks ago. The first chapter had been interesting and I read it all on one sitting. The second chapter didn't made too much
sense, but now things were becoming much more down-to-earth as it really homed in on the
theory of We create our own reality'. Was it true that we really could make things happen just by using the power of the mind. Beverly too had suggested that we could get what we want, even the most detailed essays of wishes would eventually come true and, as I found out when wishing for the car, it really does work. I had never really
thought about wishing for a partner in the same way, but tonight I took the step and made a start on a list of features I would like in an ideal mate. It took a full side of my notebook but I wasn't certain what I needed to do to make this thing work for me. Still, I was having fun with the ideas in the book - which I will
eventually translate for the web site, and I'll look forward to telling Kit when I see her again next Tuesday.
The book on philosophy I was progressively trying to wade through was becoming quite a rewarding experience. Some more things I had thought about had shown up in the texts; like my belief that time is only present in the minds of man and doesn't exist in the universe; and that the soul will learn about ideas of virtue from the experience of the world, rather than any instinct native to it (both researched by St. Augustine).
Time to relax after a drunken night before. I awoke to the world slowly with a few hours on the Playstation and got much further with Tombraider. Then the phone rang, it was the woman who runs my local Buddhist centre in Blackburn politely enquiring about my meditation practice. I tried to explain to her that I was using the practice for health reasons and that I didn't really need a daily habbit, even though in reality I was straying further away from the Buddhist ideas I had so actively practiced before Christmas. Things were changing, and like all aspects of soul evolution it was a slow change unnoticable to the untrained eye. I was swaying more towards my own philosophy in life now, and could poke huge holes in some of the ethics of my friends at the centre. Having said that I couldn't give up meditation, I needed a way of grounding myself and balancing the body - Yoga would do this well enough, but this would be a summer activity and not one I could do on a cold April day. At least Buddhism was ethically similar to my own mind, and I knew I could still take a lot from it given the time. All the same, I was offered a lift to the next Tuesday evening session and
attend a Mitra ceremony; and owning to my lack of (petrol) money of -course I graciously accepted.
May
#
1st May 2001
(Tue)
I was one of those busy days off. First off I went to see Kit for my fourth (and
hopefully final) Bowen session. I felt much happier with myself, all the pain and worry had
melted and I was left with a little more substance of life. I thanked Kit very much for her help and vowed to send her some money if I managed to find some myself. I would not forget her kindness. Next I called on my new friend Tracy to give her Kits business card. Tracy was thinking about opening her own Reiki centre but, as I found out after bumping into her at Asda the week before, was unsure about business or how the project should
unfold. So I gave her Kits number in the hope that they would be able to hammer out some sort of plan between them. Visiting Tracy and her husband was always an interesting experience, and we talked long about divination runes, tropical fish, the environment and the state of the New World Order. A new reiki level one course was also in the horizon and 'did I know of anybody would would be interested?' I thought and couldn't bring anybody to mind - Simon was hardly into spiritual matters and surely wasn't ready to take on this kind of power.
The list of girlfriend qualities continues to expand as I think of more and more specific things. Is it better to list these things in detail or is it better to be more vague? I wasn't sure, but I solved the mystery at least
partially by thinking about the list as a request to my spirit guide, who would then select the object closest to the definition on my list and guide it/she in my direction. So given that the order was now pretty exact, it would mean I would either get just as I wished, or the search would take much longer now that so many potentials had been written off.
Now I put my plans into action, and started comparing my list of 'attributes' with the girls I saw walking around ASDA. The horoscope in the Mirror newspaper, which was nearly always on the right track,
compared today to looking at one of those 'Where's Wally' (Waldo) pictures, where everyone looks suitable but only one character matches complete
description. As the day wore on, I did notice that there were a few very nice people around, and that things
weren't as fruitless as I had thought. Then again, this search was going to take time to resolve, and would most likely end when I least expected it to, so I put these things on the back burner after today and looked once again at my spiritual direction. Was this method of list building a craving - a nagging
unsatisfactoryness to destroy my otherwise content life. I surely didn't feel unhappy. What is contentment without craving? I was lost again.
The telephone stirred my golden slumbers, it was Ken from the Buddhism class:
Started the long awaited first aid course today - a week long programme of 9 - 4:30 training culminating with an exam on the final day. I was glad I took some Ginko Biloba before the session as my mind was buzzing with it all by the end.
Tuesdays regular meditation was a much less miraculous affair, although it did rise some interesting questions about devotion. And so I wondered, why is it that Buddhist bow to the Buddha, preachers of Islam follow Muhammad and Christians devote much of their time in devotion to Jesus Christ as well as the higher God. Why? Surely these people were lucky to have been messengers, but where did they get all this knowledge - it must have been passed down from somewhere. At least Buddhism offered a path to finding this out for ones self through Enlightenment; surely there had to be alternatives. The First Aid course also started today, so I was treated to a week of helpful 9-5's and a nice rest from the grind of the shopfloor.
The end of an interesting and mentally exhausting First Aid course. I had been looking
forward to this since I managed to squeeze onto the list of trainees last month, but now I was
relieved it was all over. The week had started with the difficult bits, and I wondered how I was going to take it all in; but somehow it did all go in and I was ready to be unleashed with a new and valuable skill. Everybody in the class had a kind of down-to-earth vibe about them, they all seemed genuine people and I could tell that their compassionate side had lead them this far. I would miss their lively banter, but today I was more worried about passing the examiners tests than anything. My heart beat like some kind of interview, and I was
relieved when somebody accepted my offer of a free Reiki session - just the job to calm both of us down. After that, the test was easy and all 12 of us passed no problem.
Horoscope: Repaying a favour is essential, even if you have to put your own plans on hold for the moment. You can't afford to seem ungrateful now. Your attraction to a close friend confuses you emotionally. Chances are this is a passing fancy or you're reading the signals all wrong. Taking the plunge without examining your feelings could prove embarrassing. (c)2001 Russellgrant.com
(Mon)
Took time out to ferry Simon to and from is workplace in Preston before returning home to
tweak my Internet Explorer incompatible web site a bit more. Although I didn't know the route at all, a quick tour around the houses soon got us there; and a
handy route plan was drawn up on route so I could find my way back again. I really didn't think too much about the significance of this favour except for the fact that it would afford me the petrol I needed to get too and from the much-looked-forward-to reiki level 2
attunement due later that month. As things turned out, it would also be helpful by showing me the best ways to get into Preston for a future job vacancy.
There was a strange feeling around me as I attended Meditation/Buddhism class. Something's
just didn't fit anymore. The meditation went fine - in fact better than normal as I was blown away by another change in my practice, producing
breath-taking visuals and a complete feeling feeling of love and peace. The session ended with my imagination of a circle of friends; I realised that we shared the same life-force and where indeed connected. We were connected to the plants, to the animals, and everything. We are together! As this thought echoed around every cell in my body, a warm glow and huge feeling of togetherness flowed from me - I had found spirituality.
Another long lye in bed to get over the sleep deprivation of the previous week. I didn't feel quite the same somehow, so I ended up going into a similar meditation to the one I had enjoyed the night before, only this time I imagined I was actually teaching this method in a class. When I get to the end, and started thinking about how 'we are together!', a huge surge of energy shocked my system and my who body tensed with the momentary blast of power. This was a step in the right direction. Picking up the dream book again, I noticed that the
author described the path to enlightenment (stilling the mind) to take 20 years or more, using a daily 20min practice. I was not meditating even that long and yet I felt a good deal more connected that almost everybody I knew. Another meditation came as I placed crystals around my
Chakras, and I took the opportunity to relate my 'three wishes' to my higher
self; to have Guides to learn my spiritual destiny; to gain monetary contentment from a job I enjoyed; and to find a lover to share these things with.
Payday comes and goes, and all the money is budgeted away. £100 is payed off straight away to pay off the car accident, and I made sure I got a signiture on paper, using a form I had knocked on on the works Pc, to save any future claims being made against me for what was essentially not my fault. I gave my mother a quick ring to see how the house moving was going - 3 weeks to go, but she was loath to give me the petrol money to come over and help out. I tried to explain that I have absolutely no spare cash, and that the car had hardly been used since I bought it, but I don't know if she beleived me.
Today I looked forward to helping Beverly out by making here a web site for the shop. I borrowed a digital camera from a woman from the Buddhist centre and made my way up to the shop on what was quite a hot may afternoon. She wasn't in - prefering to spend an extended weekend at the caravan, so I went ahead to take the pictures anyway and came up with lots of new ideas I could use on the site.
The sun is gorgeous, I love the summer and it iks finally here. In fact I spent so long in the sun that I got a headache. Working at ASDA can have it's advantages, and none more so than today when I was again put in charge of the outdoor garndening section - the best job available today. A girl was bothering me again, the same girl that usually bothered me every couple of months or so, and every couple of months I tried to make it clear that she was not my type at all. This time she was back with a vengence and tried every trick to try to change my mind. Last week she caught me reading philosphy and we got into a conversation about soul evolution and the life-force. She seemed pretty interested but I knew what she was also interested in me so I put a few barriers around my teachings to stop anything 'happening'. I knew this would happen, and even pictured her when I did my last divination using the augury cards (22/4/1) when I asked: 'Will I meet a partner soon?' and got back that although I was of strong and determined nature to the task, there would be dealings with less then honourable, underhand person, and that I would be defensive in this situation. It seemed like the cards worked after all and so I tried again with one more question that night. 'Will I change my career and financial situation for the better within the next two months?' The answer came that I was a truthful and straightforward person, who, after an unexpected disruption, would receive a benefitial and healthy liberation, and a complete solution to my problems. This was good news indeed.... I hope I get some direction in this matter...
My new Dreams Book has come in handy again, and I knew it would be when I was drawn towards it in the library. Last night I saw my guide directing me around my house (the self) on a hill (spiritual growth) in which I showed the guy around my attich (my spiritual awareness). Here I found the floor and the walls were carpeted, indicating either a grounded self or an insulated, cosy picture of the truth. In here I found a drawer containing Reiki badges, before moving into an even higher 'loft' which had no carpet, a dusty bed and very fragile floorboards. It seemed like my highest spiritual philosphies still needed support; I needed someone of like mindedness to back me up on my views.
(sun)
The Reiki weekend has gone down well, and everybody agreed that it was the best relaxation therapy; not just the reiki but the attunment weekends! It wasn't like the last time, then we enjoyed lengthy meditations and visualisations, but that house seemed like another world - somehow detaching us for those two days from the rest of existence and into sime kind of spiritual haven. I had heard one or two horror stories about the side effects of reiki level 2, and as I'd obviously breezed through level one I was almost sure that this time it would be different. But after the attunment it became clear that things weren't going to explode into fireworks and palms red hot with power, so I rather disappointedly began to relax my wild ideas and accept the slow, gradual process of change. My third eye was letting me know that things weren't exactly normal and it throbbed every time I tried to use the new level 2 symbols. I tried to concentrate on it, hoping to stimulate some kind of vision, but nothing came through. Maybe this too will show its power in the future.
Last week I had tried to keep my mind of the present moment, then my mind seemed to go off on one, bent on creating illutions of grandure and appreciation. At first I went along with it, and my ego was sure enjoying the thought of being able to heal the world and share my spiritual views on daytime TV, but this had to stop. I couldn't let these things take over and so once again I turned to my guides and asked, quite furmly, for these things to go away. I seem to be slightly more in tune with my guides now and have built up quite a friendship. Even after my attunment yesterday, the first thing I did was to contact and move towards my guides to thank them and be near them. At the time I was supposed to be receiving reiki from the others to test our power, so my forray into the either wasn't paricularly appreciated.
The second day after my attunment and things were still moving at a pace. My hands and feet had hardly stopped tingling since last Sunday and my head felt more in the clouds that usual. Relaxation was the key today and I took the time to examin the state of my aura and stimulate its strength. I could feel its shape now, and my hands were ever so sensitive to these vibrations. I knew that my aura was now quite vast, and Tracy had said as much on Sunday, so it didn't come as took much of a surprise when my chakra necklace broke. Did this mean that my chakras didn't need constant spimulation now, or was it a punishment for gloating about its price last weekend? They say the things you take too much for granted are taken away from you... I tried to patch it up with a bit of glue and a lot of patience, but I knew I couldn't wear it all week for work like I used to. It would also give me an excuse to go back to the Spirit Fair to get a new one in October and I think my reiki would take care of the rest.
My intuition had gone slightly finer over the last few days I work a lot with my dream and the dream book. Last night I dreampt of lots of copper coins (small change appreaching) and a house of peace with a rainbow over the door. The coins were easy to find out, but the house puzzled me all day. Finally after work I ignored the TV for once to get in touch with the image and hopefully get to the bottom of it. As the book described, I imagined my dream image with a cartoon face on it so it could communicate. Then I asked it to reveal its meaning - what the image was supposed to represent to me. The answer sure enough came back that I was a house of pease, completely balanced and built on solid ground. The colour orange came with the image, and this too represented peace and hormony. My subconcious was simply trying to get me to acknowledge my own progress. As I asked my subcoucious/guides (I don't know which) more questions, the image faded and I could feel myself floating highter and highter away from my body. I could hear my and the other voice clearly in my head; I could speak my thoughts but the anwers definitely came on their own; but it sounded like we were taking in a vast echoing room somethere in space.
Again my mind is swaying towards relationships, and eyes drift everywhere at work trying to pick out likely candidates. Vicky was an old sparing partner. I asked her out last year when I was so desperately in depression I needed someone to be with, and she said no. Then I came across as awkward and shy - now things were different. Now she was the one eying me up, and I could tell that she was getting a little desparate herself. Was this the girl? Everytime I looked I thought for a second that she had something, but everytime I tied to make light conversation it was obvious we were not on the same wavelength. Now there were other girls, all hoping I would look their way and make them happy, and this made things even harder. I didn't want a girl anymore. Oh no, I wanted The One, THE Girl! I knew my augury cards were a valued asset not to be abused, but that night I asked two more questions - both regarding future relashionships.
June
Horoscope: The first fortnight is inauspicious for taking a gamble or speculating. Undoubtedly you feel repressed from doing what you want and oppressed by people who don't want you to do it! However, to take action this month with Mercury fast regressing you'll only have to back track later. There are too many things left undone and unfinished to warrant unprecedented action before July. Wait until the Solar Eclipse on the 21st to get to grips with not just with your own but other peoples' lives, as fate will take events out of your hands and save you the bother of having to choose. Creatively you reach a peak between now and mid December - it could result in the birth of a baby, idea or enterprise. Whatever it is, it's success is due to your natural gifts, skills or talents. Until then before you jump ship - have somewhere to jump to first otherwise wait to be shoved.
Way back on the 21st of April, Taz came to see me at work and we ended up taking about a new job coming up at his place. I sent off my C.V. to two important people but heard mothing much since. Yesterday I got a letter back saying there were no vacancies available at present - this morning I received an application form and a fact pack for a receptionist/admin assistant. This was good news, it ment I had hope of moving out of Asda again. Actally this came as rather a shock to the system as well as I'd just about go myself cumfortable with the cussy hours, three days off a week and take-my-time workload. Yes I was under a little pressure, both from Taz and Simon to get a job particularly in this line, but my head was in two places with it. Was this the opportunity I had wished for, for certain the money was up for grabs and I could easily do the work, but did I really want to be a receptionist or an office junior? Things had to be worked out, and I needed my logic and my intuition to agree in order to get through this. I couldn't just sit and wait for a better opportinity to come my way if this was IT! Finally I forced myself to take this thing seriously and try my best regardless.
(sun)
The phone went at 11:30, a time when my friends know I'm up and about; it was mum, she was in her new house. I had totally forgotten. I knew she had mentioned moving out on friday, but it didn't click this it was last Friday! I consoled myself knowing that I couldn't have helped her move because of Asdas holiday proceedure. Still, I could hardle beleive she had actually gotten around to it, after 30 Years! First she was at home, the next minute she was somewhere else. The concersation turned from unpacking boxes and inherited satalite dishes to a women she had ment earlier last week.
Dispite cocking up most of the application form by using lower case lettering instead of capitals (hate those forms), it was now in the post on its was to the CPS. And still the war rages on between my intuition and rational brain. However, brushing all that aside again, my last remaining £2 went in the petrol tank and I sped off to mums new house. What a transformation! No, my mother was still her usual anxious and unsettled self, but now at least she lived in a home rather than a house. I knew as soon as I walkned in that there were no negative energies waiting to leap from the brickwork, no dark corners in which to hide in, and no damp rising from stagnant dreams. This was the place I knew she would find her happiness - I only hope she realises it soon. All the same, I took time out to Reiki every room and purify it all as you never can tell.
Still no signs of the amazing Reiki level 2 tansformation, in fact I'm sure things have gone worse than they were when I get level 1! My hands just don't seem to tingle like they used to. Now I'm begining to wonder about the things I hoped it would acheive. Things don't seem to be happening these days. Yet they seem to pass at lightening speed. My dreams were now less frequent as I now knew all about breaking though ice, meeting twins and viewing volcanoes spewing lava all over the place. I also knew that my way of protecting myself from negative energies (a cloke of white light) was working because I had a dream of wrapping a toy spiderman in rolls of protective bandages. Spiderman it seems was my alter ego carried lovingly over from my childhood. This shield will come in very handy on a Saturday when the shoppers in Asda will usually drain my energy dry. And of course when visiting mum.
The difficulties over my career finaly did my head in, and I received reassurance though the book Kit the Bowen master through my way. In the section about 'listening to the wispers', I learned a great deal about the subtile signs the subconcious/higher self can throw us every day to try to teach valuable lessons. A work colleague twisted her ankle, and I knew immediately that she was pushing herself too fast. Leasa has been on the caffine diet for too long now, and this was just the latest in a long line of subtile warnings I realised her body had been shouting all along. I of course offered my two penny's worth; I don't know if any of it sunk in.
Leasa was back at work today, confiding that my quick reiki treatment had actually healed the sprain quicker than she had imagined it would. At the time I didn't feel a thing as I surrounded her ankle with hopeful hands; and this only added fuel to the ever glowing fire of 'this isn't working like it used to'. Yet it worked with my mother - still as powerful as ever. I could even scan her energy centres with my hand, and I had trouble doing even this on my own body. Only when I tried to send it did I get any kind of great effect. Maybe my chakras were actually spinning high enough not to need reiki, and so maybe I didn't feel it on myself but others could feel it instead. It all seemed to make sense, and I would be seeing my reiki master again next weekend, so I let it drop again until then.
Today started off like any other lazy sunday - played computer games, did the washing up and generally lolled about the place. Eventually my attentions came back to the living room where one of the books on astrology I had been given was waiting. Instantly my head turned to the future, and especially how to learn a few things from celtic Runes. I had the stones ready, and the process looked like a simple affair, but something was missing. As I read the instruction notes, page after page seemed to be warning me about delving into this process, and the downsides of 'knowing' your fate or destiny. I went into the kitchen and soaked a few things in hot water; but even though I wore protective gloves the water still scauled my hands as if to warm me I'd get my fingers burned if I carried on this way. After learning all about 'listening to the wispers' of the higher self I was begining to get a bit wary of it. But still things just didn't feel right, so I closed the runes book and packed everything away in the spare room.
I woke up and quickly gave up my 'giving up trying' theory. This was not time to think about this when I needed to think about my career, finances and most of all my route to meeting a loving girlfriend. The main thing I had noticed since Reiki 2 was that the days just seemed to flash by without me making the most of each one. I really wanted more than ever to be aware of time rather than wishing it away like I was completely used to doing. After all "The most well rounded and grounded people are usually those who live in the moment" as Kit once wispered after one of my Bowen sessions.
Another thing I noticed this week was a sudden lack of patience and an companying drop in self-asteem. I had expected just as much after my attunment to Reiki 2, but this seemed like a drawn out delayed reaction. Today was the peak of the mountain as I joined the recovered Leasa to man a music desk rapidly drowning under a sea of customers. I used to handle this job with a kind of half-asleep casual approach - just though to balance Leasas super caffine energies, but as the day wore me down I realised I had become picky and stroppy instead. Then the manager came around to dish out her misguided opinion, and as I descended into an argument with her I knew I just had to get away and drop it. At last, sancturary came in the shape of a storage floor I used to use as a secret meditation haven in times of bordom. First I used reiki to get the energies flowing again though my drained Navel and Solar Plexus chakras and then grounded myself like a tree in a force nine gale. Where was my shield? The cloke of shining white light wasn't working and I felt like a rung out sponge. This was the best time to try the super cloke - using the shield of purple light instead of white, and as I made my way back to the desk, I did feel a whole lot better.
At last I had the money to settle a few depts. Top of this list was the £10 I owed Tracy for Reiki Level 2, at last to settle the score. Maybe the fact that I still owed money for the attunment was part of the reason why I haven't felt any notable benefits of it so far. I ended up staying till late, and watched an amazing TV documentary about fake moon landings before sitting through the three hours worth of Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. Tracys husband Carl tret me to part of there dinner - a vegetarian plate of mindblowing flavours. If this was vegetarianism then maybe things weren't as bland as everybody tends to imagine; although Carl was an exceptional chef. The conversation turned to their TV which I knew they wanted rid of from previous hinting conversations. They just wanted a small portable and I had a trusty old 14"er I knew would be a good bargain tool, so I asked if they would accept my TV plus £40. Tracy said she would be round to see my telly first thing.
I don't think I stopped at all today. The doorbell dragged me out of bed and down to the door where Tracy and the family were gathered ready to view my 14" TV. And yes they wanted it. Wow, just £40 to budget now for a big new 26" telly. They went away to discuss it all and left me with my house cleaning chores ready to welcome the once-every-three-months house inspector. Dispite a few damp patches, a cracked window, a rotten window frame and a jungle garden, I passed the inspection. Then Tracy came back offering to swap her TV for mine as a favour, and in seconds I had gained what I wished for last year. Was this right? A big TV for FREE! This was a gift and no mistake. I began to think about how I really wasn't into materialism these days and how I really didn't mind the old telly. Then I remembered the lesson I had learned when I crashed the car about appreciating my good fortunes or they would be taken away. Of course I still talked about it to my friends at work, but now instead of gloating about it and taking it very much for granted, I aired on the side of appreciation and thankfulness that this had come my way.
The last thing I did before going to bed was to pick up the dog eared 'Living Magically' again to continue my soul education. This time the subject was Love or self-love and I knew this subject would sort out a few things. All last week and the week before I had experienced my self-love coming back. Slowly at first but definitely there when I needed it most. I even realised the fact I could love myself last Saurday when I fell out with the boss. Although the book seemed to say a few obvious things I couldn't stop reading it page after page. That was until I found the self-love meditation, which involved finding and loving my inner child of about five years old. Opptimistically I went deep into thought, and found myself walking around the house mum had finally moved out of. In the back bedroom was a young boy about 5 or 6 years old, with long 70's style hair and a dark blue sweater.
Horoscope: "You relate to somebody who feels like an outcast and want to help them. But beware of getting too closely involved. This person may be looking for a surrogate parent of sorts and could be an emotional liability or drain. An impressionable soul like you needs self-sufficient people who won't take advantage. Don't end up being a dogsbody all your life. (c)2001, Russellgrant.com"
The envelope I had been waiting for came though my letterbox this morning, from the County Court Service. This wasn't a job offer but the confirmation papers regarding an
upcoming stint on Jury Duty. The date was the 9th of July, the time was 9:30 am, and I was
beginning to realise this date was coming on fast. To settle down my feelings over the matter I drove off to find the courthouse. I always hated driving around Burnley, and trying to find the Burnley Crown Court was no easy task. At first I couldn't even find the main road, and found myself parked on a side street reviewing my progress with a combination of A-Z guide maps. Amazingly, I had actually stumbled over the nearest un-double-yellow-lined street to the court, and after surveying the many pay-and-display parking spots around town I concluded that this 'accidental' loss of direction could save me a fortune on parking fees. Sorted.
Possible success on the reiki front, in theory at least. Before breakfast I decided to send reiki to Trisha and do a plant on my kitchen window bottom. While the plant received a much needed top-up, I was aware that my breathing was becoming strained - like I was choking. Then the feeling spread down towards my heart chakra like they were being drained on power. It all seemed to make sense now. Reiki 1 seemed to pull energy in using my crown and perhaps my third eye chakra to be distributed through my hands. Now it seemed reiki 2 was using more, if not all the other
Chakras in order to pull more energy through my system. In the reiki notes reiki 2 was said to increase the power output from 50 to 500 watts of energy - maybe once all my
Chakras are in line and pulling in energy this increase will become noticeable. I definitely felt a change.
Decision time again as fate twists around my world. I knew this would happen, but nevertheless it still came as quite a surprise when I opened the letter from the CPS offering me an interview. This was not what I needed right now. Not only was I unsure of the best way to start a career in healing/advice but now I was again faced with the possibility of spending the next few years of my life
cooped up in some office filing and photocopying all day. Even as I wrote the application form I knew this
wasn't where I really wanted to be. It felt wrong somehow, and of course any chance of setting up my own healing practice would go out the window for the foreseeable future. A horoscope advised me to talk about it, and I did but not without half talking myself out of it at the same time.
I came down stairs to find the interview invitation still hanging in the air. It would take a few more days yet before deciding whether to burn down the bridge or walk across it. I remembered this months words of wisdom about 'taking action this month will have me back tracking later," and even though I still viewed horoscopes with less than full confidence my feelings couldn't settle the matter. Still, I put it all on hold for the second time and the phone rang. It was a guy from the County Court with news that there were too many people available for jury service the week I was due to start and would I like to postpone it until later in the year?
Today I tried to be a bit more present, but being on a Saturday, and without the usual calming reiki session beforehand, I was further away from reality than ever. My shield, now of deep purple light, was on and at full power to fend off any negativities of
drains from customers, but now it seemed like I had somehow blocked off some of the energy needed to replenish my faculty of awareness. The day was largely uneventful but I knew that I was at least protected even from the people I knew would drain me. Then just before I was due to end my shift, a customer decided to get
stropy and I got a little short with her as well. Although I was protected from her feelings, I should have seen from her body language that she was in fact quite agitated. For once I handled the situation poorly, and failed to calm her with a soft reassuring tone. Maybe if I wasn't so protected I could have spotted this and acted differently. This would bother me quite a bit more, and again I found myself living in the past as I tried to come up with some kind of lesson I could gain from this experience. Why are things never simple! Perhaps I would watch out for this now.
July
#
1st July 2001
Horoscope: It's been a while coming but with two favourable Eclipses and Jupiter's passing from bad to good sign-wise you are indeed blessed. As with all blessings it is up to you to make them work for you. You can do it best by making a wish list of has-beens and wannabees, once you know what has been good but has lost its appeal and allure then discard it in the garbage bin of your personal history. From there on you can start to accrue support for happiness to come. By your birthday 2002, you could be playing a totally different life ball game. It all begins from this month as the 5th, 12th, 13th and 20th are glittering rungs ascending up a dazzling starry ladder that leads to the champion's podium of success. So long as you clear the clutter and leave enough space for serendipity to do its magical, felicitous business then you can view your future without trepidation knowing you are on your way to better days. (c)2001, Russellgrant.com
Oh for it all to end! Finally I made up my mind to cancel the interview with the CPS. It was supposed to be at 12:30 the next day but I made sure both a letter and a telephone call put them in the picture. That evening Taz came into Asda asking why the hell I'd canceled. Appearantly he'd stuck his neck out and made sure my name was at the top of the list of viable applicants. The job would have been on the plate for me if I'd just done the interview! I took a slow walk home, realising that this was a major event and one which 4 months ago I would have snapped up no problem. What was going on in my head to put all my faith in intuition? Had I passed up the opportunity of the decade - a free ticket out of retail forever? I tried churning up all the possibilities and forewarnings over in my head; firstly I had trained for this position for 6 years of my life and gained all the qualifications to prove it. Secondly I had been looking for an admin post for a while now and this at first seemed the just right. I had even learned the route into Preston as I drove Simon to work a few times in May (14/5/01) due to a mysterious burst water pipe in his own car. Above all this, I wondered why I wasn't getting one of those sinking suckening feelings in the pit of my stomach you would expect as a result of an 'oh my god, what have I done!' kind of situation. For the first time this year I really wanted to see Ron again for a second psychic reading and get thing straight in my mind. A bit of reassurance goes a long way and I sure needed some right now.
My sleep had been terrible; restless and chock full of dubious criptic messages. It also seemed like I couldn't concentrate on anything, and couldn't even face sunbathing (something I never usually have any hang-ups with). Again I found myself thinking about things, and even asked the ultimate problems of 'Who Am I?' and 'Why Am I Here?'. Then I switched over to channel six - the Higher Self radio show - and amongst other things asked for a bit of proof that I wasn't going crazy.
Jury duty was a laborious exercise often spent in waiting rooms. There was little to be done except to hang around until a case came along, and so I kept myself busy a big book on philosophy I started reading months ago. At least the spare jurers got to go home early, so the first few days were a breeze at least. By the end of the first day I knew that if I didn't get a case soon I would have to go back into work - and by the end of the second day I was praying for one. Work had become such a pain in the backside of late, and even though the 5th of July will go down in history as the day the worm turned, I think the days before and after only pointed towards the same thing. If I really wanted to follow by dreams there was nothing stopping me only myself. I wanted to be a healer and a teacher to anyone struggling to find answers to their difficulties; but as my HS liked to keep reinding me 'these things take time to develop'.
There were two reason I could think of why my head had become so foggy and unable to concentrate on the simplest of tasks. Firstly it could be that I have built up my chakra system so such that they are connecting me to the inspirational and wisdom levels of conciousness, and taking me away from my own mind (more Solar Plexus work may help cure this). On the other hand, this may be another one of those 'darkness before the light' things, and I will regain my faculties once I appreciate just what I have been given. Reiki 2 has helped a lot - and even though it didn't do what I expected, the fact that I have been talking to my Higher Self shows that some kind of miraculous connection has taken place.
Pay day retured once again to remind me how far in dept I could get. This time I was £70 in the red after the bill had been payed off, but at least now I had £30 emergency money in case something needed it, and still remain within the £100 overdraft limit. All this week I had thought more about my plans to become a healer, and now I was another month nearer that goal. The car was the first thing to get upgraded as without a reliable motor I would be hardly likely to get to the places I needed to. The car had seen so little use lately, basically because I couldn't spare any petrol money, that when I did get back in it I found the battery and the back tyre had both gone flat. The engine needed new sparkplugs and a front wheel-bearing needed replacing - the car sounded like an old lawnmower otherwise.
Yet another girl at work had been drawn to me attention, and consistantly swirled around my head until I went crazy with it. So the cards came out again and I asked three questions about my career and this girl. I hated having to do this really, and I knew it wasn't good to use 'outside help' so often and potentialy hand over my power of decition to these things - but in this case I just needed to know if I was just wasting my dreams on a false hope or if this was justified at all. The news was initially bad, the girl wasn't the one and I was looking in the wrong place altogether. At least that saves my thinking about this for the next month. But there was something new today; just as I had put the business of the CPS and the Admin position into the drawer marked 'past', along came another CPS application form offering me the same job! This time could fall back on my previous attempts to weight up the situation; I'd asked for inspiration over it; I'd imagined working there; I'd dreampt about it taking me in the wrong direction; I'd visualised going down that path only to find sand bunkers in the way; I'd consulted the cards several times to find no positive attributes; I'd even literally weighed up my ideas in my hands and yet the scales balanced against this choice every time. This time I already knew what I wanted even before the cards showed a trapping situation unfolding; the application went in the bin. I consoled myself by the thought of my dream career and installed a new set of sparkplugs and half a talk of petrol into the car. According to the third reading, everything would be fine by Christmas!
(Tue)
Jury service started again for the second week, and this time I was selected for a case! At last I got to see how British justice in motion, and slow as it was I really enjoyed the business of it all. What made the whole thing even more interesting was that this two year old indescent assault charge was basically a straight argument between two people. They were both liars, they were both drugies, and there really wasn't any evidence to either backup her story of abuse or his plea of 'not guilty'. Oh, and the chairs we had to sit on were aweful!
(Wed)
The evidence for the court case came to a close, and for the first time I realised that this was more than just open and shut. In fact this trial was a Real Bastard!! Twelve jurers retired to the discussion room after lunch to sort it out one way or the other. Two hours later, we energed having not got any nearer an answer. First four then five of us though she was genuinely telling the truth, the others thought not, and no matter how much we tried to pick each others theories appart it still ended up an even match. Maybe the next day would shed some more light on things, probably it wouldn't - we had exhauted every avenue already!
By now all our efforts to solve the case had only ended up turning our heads inside out. And still it dragged on as the Judge repeatedly pushed us back inside the deliberation room for more torture. Finally we gave up and started talking more about the TV and things totally unconcerned with the hopeless wreck in the dock. After three attempts even the Judge had had enough and dismissed us all out of his sight. But even though the result was far from ideal, I really enjoyed this brief insight and would look forward it if my name was ever chosen again.
Back to work again for a short two day week. I had been dabbling with the works computer for a few weeks now trying to come up with a reasonable advert for my mobile reiki activities, an today I at least managed to print off a draft pre-final copy. The words 'life coaching' and all related gubbins had been removed by now, leaving the bare 'why wait to get better?' stuff. Yes, this did sound a bit tacky and I would eventaully get rid of it. Above all, this venture wouldn't cost me a penny and if anything would give me a few ideas about the lives and discomforts of the world. All I needed now was a mobile phone so I could put these plans in to some kind of action - or so I thought. But something was still holding me back for some reason. Something prevented me from moving forward with my plans just for the moment, I just had to work out why. In the meantime I had two first aid enquires today, one from a colleague with a bad shoulder and another from a colleague with a bad back. While the first considered my help for the future, the second announced she felt much better after a few minutes.
Set off in the afternoon to see Dave in Manchester about the computer he wanted rid of. Although the Amiga was now far out of date compaired to the PC on the internet front, it was still more than capable of keeping up with the world in just about every other area I needed a computer for. Again this was a bonus from the Gods, and for the second time in two months (18/6/01) I had been treated to something I had wished for may years ago - for FREE. When I got home it took 10mins to get all the equipment out of the car. Almost everything I had been using on my machine could be swapped and upgraded with this new stuff, and again my interest in Amigas hightened as if to echo the sound of distant memories. Now I had three Amigas - and one could be sold for much needed cash.
(Mon)
For the first time in a long time, my mother seemed happy. I went over again expecting the same draining and slightly bitter behaviour I had experienced over the last 12 odd years, but now in her new home, things had moved on just a bit more. The sun was shining defiantly though this years cloudy summer sky and it was at last warm enough to sit outside in the garden. The hot topic for today was my career intensions I was glad to hear that she was trying her best to speard my name around town. I explained about the advert I had drafted on the works PC and how things were slowly changing steadily one day at a time. I didn't need to Reiki mum that day, in fact I hardly had to protect myself at all given that the harsh words were today left unspoken. Even the old old wounds seemed to have been healed and I knew someday I would learn to love her again - someday.
Again balanced to books enough to be able to take the car one block further down the repairs road. The engine was fine now, so the next job was the wheelbearing at the cost of £55. I knew I wouldn't need a car all week so I dropped it off with the keys and said to the guy (who sold me the thing in the first place) to fit it in whenever. I also noticed a stange reaccurance of old spiritual connectedness today as two signed returned from the past. First was the 'inside body tingling' effect as my guides come closer when thinking about what I hoped for in life. Secondly was the sneezing. Until recently I had sneezed whenever something was wrong with my intensions - either physically or mentally - or some kind of flaw was with them, and as I carried out these plans I would sneeze. It was particularly effective at showing when things needed to be delayed or put off for a while. Unfortunately, although I had began to understand this effect I had rearly acted upon it and went ahead anyway. As a case in point, I had planned to buy a few things in town after I dropped the car off at Harry's garage. I sneezed just as I left the house and was about to drive off, and it wasn't until I arrived at Harry's that I realised I had forgotten my wallet!
Today things were completely opposite from the day before. No longer did things fall to the floor; there were just as many thinks falling but now I was catching them all before they dropped! Sometimes intuitively, sometimes miraculously, my hand was draw to every object which fell from the shelves at work and again enough to make me notice that this ment something. The night before I had dreamt all night long about one of the girls at work, but now I couldn't remember what I found out from this experience, I just knew I had 'grasped' something.
#
27th July 2001
The biggest piece of Amiga hardware I got last weekend was a big new hard drive; a hike from 380mb to 5.5GB! After my initial joy over this peice of kit, and after spending quite a few days copying the files over from the old unit it was now installed in my machine. For a few days everything was fine, except for the occasional powerless which I put down to a faulty power lead. Now things had gone bad. During a lengthy update of one of my web pages the power loss struck again and I lost the file. This was the last thing I needed and a more reliable HD, no matter how small, was essential for my sanity. The 5.5Gb came out and the 380mb went back in!
August
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1st August 2001
I was finally able to read the last few chapters of Gill Edwards book - Living Magically - which I picked up way back in April. For some reason I had had a block over this book, and the last time I tried I managed to read a page without taking in a sigle word. But now I could read page after page until I came to a section on contacting my spiritual Guides. I had done this a number of times now but not in a meditative face-to-face form. So I tried it, first walking up the hill to a stone circle and than meeting a number of cloaked figures. At first I couldn't make out anything much and my mind kept loosing the picture, but eventually I made out a number of figures: Gabriel [dressed in white], Timothy, Matthew, Mark [a monk], Anthony [as a roman solidier], Frank [in an old gentlemans suit and top hat] and Tom. Seven in all.
Monthly Horoscope: "Although you have lurched from one crisis to another, at least with Jupiter positioned in protective Cancer (and Venus too, from the 1st) you won't go through a similar trauma. However, you must broach certain sections of your life that make you unhappy. Main areas for concern are concentrated around your career, home and personal feelings. There is still something blocking you inside that must be dissolved so you can have a clear run at an ambition that means much to you. Around the 5th, Saturn/Pluto gives you a dose of a planetary purgative that you can take of your own volition by managing your own life or allow your destiny to be fashioned by others. Family members will also need your help around this time with a domestic situation." (c)2001, Russellgrant.com
Horoscope: "Friday marks an important turning point in a love relationship; is this person really worth the heartache."
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4th August 2001
Small or significant relevation about again as several messages vibrate around my Saturday Night head. Thinking about the way we sleep, I wondered if our time in dream land was as clear as our waking hours, except that when we are in one world we forget most of what happened in the other. Our existence could indeed be split into two - our physical conciousness and activities in the physical world, and our spiritually concious wanderings in the cosmos as our body sleeps. Both of these could seem as real as each other; except for the fact that because our mind energy leaves the body as it sleeps, the brain is no longer able to store the experiences in the dreamworld as memories in the same way as it does when we are awake. Dreams then are the fragments of experiences we remember from these journeys, just as memories are the fragments we remember from our physical activities. At this point, several things began to come a little closer together, and maybe the Buddhists and Mystics were right after all - maybe our waking hours are just as much a 'dream' as our sleeping hours are in fact 'awake'. If life is a dream then it would confirm that we are the directors of our world, and that we attract things into it at our own will - just as we do as we dream. Certainly I have seen first hand what wishes can do to a life; even some of the most idle wishes have manifest themselves as 'reality' in time.
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5th August 2001
The time had come to clear out my Nans (Great Grans) house ready for sale. Nan knew nothing of this; now settled in her luxury retirment home and holding onto the last few of her ninety-nine year old marbles. The shock of it would not help her health anyway. The old place still held a few ghosts but felt a lot better than it did when she first moved out. The only reason we had to do any of this was because the house was seen as 'assets' to the belefit office - so while she had things of value they refused to pay for her place in the home. It was only worth 16 thousand now due to the rotting timbers, damp walls and the woodworm; and even though it was supposed to go to us in the will, I knew the house would be long sold by then. There there three of us now dragging bits of old furniture our for the collecters, and between us we managed to get most of the bulky 50's furniture away. Mum asked if there was anything I needed for my place, and after many suggestions I came away with a few tool; including a saw I needed for a wardrobe project and a pair of pliers I washed for several months ago. I also got a new set of pans (just as I'd thrown one away and wished for another) and a hand-held vaccum cleaner I wished for only last week. Everything else in the house was plainly 'rubbish' and I left it be. Yet again I noticed how I could create the things I needed and bring them near me - and yes I sure was grateful for everything!
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8th August 2001
The advert for my Mobile Reiki project was almost finished, and a few more minutes on the works computer would see it complete for today. The only thing I really needed to add was the fact that I was part of a new group of reiki practitioners. This was a project of Tracy's (my Reiki Master) who, rather than join one of the many national Reiki associations, deceded to set up one of her own. I had no idea what this would be called and so I couldn't add it to the advert, but I would undoubtedly add that bit more professionalism and credibility to the whole thing. The works printer was down to once colour - Red, so everything I printed came out in shades of pink. This was a drawback, but then I looked at the advert again and it actually took on more impact in these new colours. It seemed the ink shortage was a blessing after all (again!). Now I only needed to find a place to stick them up.
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9th August 2001
A strange thing happened today as I practiced the art of 'living in the moment'. This is a process of becoming aware of yourself and the sights and sounds of the world around you, and taking it all in at the same time. This I was just about managing to do while standing pactiently in the music and video desk waiting for customers. I had hoped it would help me understand what it means to be in the world, and also to help me take my conciusness away from my ego; my coagulated mind; and out to reality a bit more. It seemed to work and simply by taking myself out of my own 'bubble of awareness' my mood lifted and I actually started to enjoy myself and the job. Then almost straight away a girl came over with a smile on her face and a Frank Sinatra greatest hits CD. This could only mean one thing, but the experience fell through when I couldn't find the CD she wanted in the drawer! Finally I came up with it from the promotions section but by then there were two more customers waiting for attention. I knew she was great-looking, and a fair stab at what I was looking for, but all I could do was to give her my best 'see you later' line and hope she would come back when I had more time to slip in my phone number.
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10th August 2001
It must be my birthday! Well no, my Birthday was way back in February buy this day was certainly special. Pay day had returned with a vengence to taunt my budgetting skills once again. Would I get out of the red this month? I didn't think so - thanks to the two week long Jury Duty break I had last month. Fortunatelly, I'd worked out just what I should loose and it would be around £40 or so. The first thing I always did at the end of a pay day was to get to the bank and see now much raw cash was now in the account. £561! Wow, that sounded a lot. So on the spreadsheet I went again, and adding up the outgoings for this month; including £100 of the £230 I still owed Simon; and it amounted to £505 and leaving a balance of £56 credit!!! In the Black for the first time since the 23rd of February. This wasn't what I had expected at all, and it seemed that my Wage from Asda was more-or-less normal after all. Again I checked the figures; the last time I checked I was still £80 in the red; but everything panned out. I could even look forward to at least another £50 on top of that when I sold one of Daves old Amiga Computers. Now I could look towards buying things again - and affording luxuries again - and could even think about taking a girl out again...
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11th August 2001
I pinned up the Reiki advert on the noticeboard at work, and moved it around so as to catch the eyes of people walking past. Where else could be post it up? I could only thing of the local paper but I wanted a few trial runs before jumping into the market properly. There wasn't anything more I needed now; the car was running and although the tyres went flat every week I could now afford to fix them whenever I liked. The phone was now by the bed ready for calls, so now I just needed maybe a notebook to scribble names and addresses in. Fortunately Asda had a stationary sale on.
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13th August 2001
I don't know quite why, but all the drive from my career went away just as suddenly as it arrived, and was replaced by an overwhelming urge to get back on the hunt for spiritual fulfullment. Something had been missing from this road lately, which ment I just couldn't seem to find the motivation I used to over developing myself and making full use of the playground we call Life. It also prevented me from reading 'Living Magically' for quite a number of months even though almost every section of the book was interesting and agreeable to me. I wasn't sure how my reiki would pan out career wise but now I was looking for something else. It seemed like there was a tiny memory in the back of my mind which reminded me what Ron told me just over a year ago about fortelling a connection with astrology and clairvoyance. Wouldn't it be interesting to learn about these things in a class, or find a paying teacher....
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14th August 2001
Finally I returned the last batch of books to the library, having renewed them continually over the last three months. As usual, something 'made' me walk over to the religious/spiritual section and I bent down to notice a book I had never seem there before. The book was entitled 'Psychic Awareness' by Cassandra Eason and discussed all kinds of practical ways to develope clairvoyance, clairaudience, psychometry, telepathy , clairsentience and related gubbins. This was a a great beginners book, and without going into too much detail it managed to open a small doorway into the unknown. It even listed a few useful tools I may need during my studies; including candles, oils, incense, crystals for protection and a mirror - so I wasted no time in getting back to Beverly in the Glory Hole to pick them up.
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15th August 2001
I got up and found myself looking through the Yellow Pages in search of a Spiritualist Church. Nothing immidiately caught my eye under 'places of worship' or related headings so I tried my local phone book instead. I remembered Trisha, the woman from my Reiki attunments, once saying she went to a place in Blackburn but I had no idea where. So I just looked for the name and there it was - the Blackburn Spiritualist Church! So I rang the number, and by fate the chairman of the place happened to be in to answer all my queries.
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16th August 2001
Last week I had tried to ring Ron to book another clairvoyant/palmist session. I knew I knew a lot about my future from the last time I saw him - and at that time I thought one session would be enough. A year later and I was still in the same job, and without success relashionship wise. But for some reason I couldn't get though to him. I was also wrestling with a part of me arguing about 'choice credit'. According to my spiritual views, souls are sent to places like Earth to experience life and the art of living. If we make all our choices naturally and positively we are credited for initiative back in the spirit world. However, if we seek out help from the spiritually connected (i.e. clairvoyant/palmists) we are shown the way ahead of time - effectively taking away the power to make our own choices. The more we give our power away to others the less control we have over our lives. Dispite all that I was still uncomfortable and regularly asked for my dreams to show me if this 'knowing too much about my own future' was a good or a bad thing, and eventually I was shown a vision of driving around in a Porche (my drives/direction) with only bearly fitting body panels. So I took the car into a garage [psychic reading] and found that the same panels on the car were still loose fitting, and that I had to fit them myself no matter what the mechanic had done. I drove off into a big city with lots of other cars but seemingly no lack of options. So after that I rang Ron again and booked an appointment with him for the following Monday. This time I would take notes!
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18th August 2001
I was going through a spell of good moods. My time at work was much less of a pain than usual and without the draining the customers usually inflicted on my energy. Whether this was due to the fact that my chakras were now open enough to replenish me as I gave out positive energies, or because my new Amethyst stone helped ward off negetivities, or just because I had been using my cloak of light regularly, I felt quite good with myself and the world even on a busy Saturday like this. That night Simon came around for the first time in weeks and we chatted into the night. I was in such a good mood that I almost ignored him altogether - which was a bonus for me as one-upon-a-time I would shiver with fear as we sat together. Being myself in front of people has always been strange, and never in my own house could I be myself without worrying how I looked and acted towards others. At work it was different, I had a mask, an ego to hide behind, and I could easily wrap a cloud of mystery around me to promote intrigue and even respect. At home I could laugh and fool around. Strangely it seemed like these two worlds were coming together.
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19th August 2001
Motivation struck me and sent my energy levels high enough to get some housework done. Before I knew it I was ready to set off to find the spiritualist church and I arrived on right street in plenty of time. This was lucky because I couldn't seem to find the place! Up and down the road I walked and asked at least three people where it was until I came across it. There wasn't any amazing feelings of home or gratification I had felt in some of the most energised places - and the hymms they sang began to make me wonder if I had found the right path at all. Then after the singing there came a clairaudience session with a lady who would relay messages to the congregation. I had half expected my name to be brought up, but knowing that I would get a full hours private reading only the next morning I wasn't too disappointed when nothing came through. The advice she gave other though was interesting and at first mind blowing to realise there was indeed spirits moving with us everywhere. Then the lady spoke to a woman in the back row. I was hoping to see if Trish was here and although I couldn't see the woman I knew this was her. The lady passed on several messges to Trish, confirming what I already knew about her massage and reflexology past and healing present.
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20th August 2001
I awoke from a troubled sleep and set off towards Ron and his mystical skills. The place was as peaceful as ever, but as I set down I became aware of a presence leaning over my right soulder. It was a friendly spirit and I asked it to hold my hand through this chaotic time. As if to confirm my suspissions, Rons cat stared into the corner of the room behind me as if looking at something. I turned and obviously saw nothing. The reading itself came as rather a dissappointment after all the buildup. There was little mention of possible career and relashionshp changes, although a few things did come up:
Day two at the spiritualist church was even more interesting than the first. This time it was Open Circle, which ment a group of like minded people 'open to the universe' sat in a circle and relayed messages from the other side. Not long into the service, we all closed our eyes to welcome any spirits and messages flying around at the time. I wasn't expecting much, if anything at all to come from my head, but I'm sure I heard a voice:
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21st August 2001
In order to understand my situation I knew I had to get over to my mothers and explain everything which had come through the night before. At first she was busy in her own world, and as usual I found it hard to break into the conversation with anything I might have to say. Eventually I offered to give reiki healing knowing that this would calm her spirit and open up opportunities to talk about deeper things. She readily accepted and soon I was giving her healing. The aura was now quite strong around mums body and I noticed that all but the Naval and Root chakras were spinning well. This had come as a relief as I was hoping she was helping herself without me. After the session I changed the subject and brought out a notebook in which I had written the bullet points from the information which had come through. She was sceptical, and kept questioning whither I could provide evidence to prove what had happened. I couldn't - even though I was convinced the messages had come though with or without hard proof. There were two things I was still unsure of. Firstly, who was the footballer who could have become a professional? And secondly, who or what was the improtant date in August? Both these questions were lost on my mother but she vowed to find out and let me know if anything came up.
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22nd August 2001
For several nights I had dreampt about find treasure and being awarded a great gift. The hunt was on, and it was as if I was being tested in various situations of reward. This would also continue long into the week and included finding buried treasure in a maze and winning a large sum of money in a lottery.
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24th August 2001
I went back to the new 'Psychic Awareness' book in the hope of furthering myself. The first chapter after the meditations was about Psycometry and the art of getting impressions from ordinary objects. I knew I was capable of this already and remembered the feelings I had whenever I went into my nans house of old memories. I also used to be able to pick up moods and vibrations from the people around me (often changing my own mood as I sensed them) before I learned to protect myself from this interference. Once I had also made contact with my Grandad just by holding his old watch, and he told me mum would soon meet somebody who she could talk to - but not somebody who she would marry. At the time I had hoped this person would be a man she could share her home with. As it turned out I now looked like this shoulder was acturally mine and that I had become something of a crutch for my mum to learn on. And so it was that tonight I wanted to sence these things again, and was looking around and thinking about anything I could use to work with. Nothing came to mind and I didn't have anything old enough of family value, so as a last resort I ended up digging out that old wristwatch again. Eventaully, as before I picked up my grandads voice but this time he was further away and hard to pick up clearly. I tried to ask important questions but as usual in times like these nothing seemed to come from the brain. My mind was no longer bound by the chains of the body and was floating off into the heavens, but the more I tried to think of questions and ask for proof that this was really happening, I came back and lost the voice. Another side effect of this state was that I wasn't connected to my memory either, so any messages which were relayed were almost instantly forgotten. Perhaps this connection with the body would grow stronger as things like this were made to happen.
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25th August 2001
A sale at work brought another clutch of 'wants' towards me. A favourite movie and a number of great songs came at the bargain price of 98p each. A few weeks ago I had realised I had not even bought any CDs this year and this was obviously hindering my enjoyment of music. Now, thanks for a good wage and the Asda sale I had 6 new CDs and a song I had wished for a long time ago called 'Praise You' by Fatboy Slim.
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26th August 2001
(sun)
I looked forward to the Spiritualist service again and hoped that things would be made that be clearer to me this time. I wasn't dissapointed. A lady named Shela from Preston came through and, after two heart-warmingly powerful hymms, began to talk about the philosophy of Spirituality. Every word was pure truth, and I could tell these messages were being relayed through her and around her and from her direct experience of the subject, and I kicked myself everytime my weak attention strayed.
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27th August 2001
For some reason I had butterflies in my stomach as I prepared to rejoin my friends at the Spiritualist Church. I had been forwarned that there may be a girl here tonight who I might like to talk to and this I suspected was the main force behind the apprehension. When I arrived I saw a girl in the foyer I had never seem here before, although my usual blinkered state of mind took me through the next door before my mind had a chance to turn my head around.
September
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2nd September 2001
(sun)
Horoscope:Two aspects, the Piscean Full Moon on the 2nd and the Sun/Pluto square on the 5th, tells me September is a month of endings, conclusions and closure. If you are invited to start something afresh, decline until you have removed the rubble from your world. You'll be severely censured by the Fates if you try to take on too much or anything that is beyond your means. The reason is a clear one, you wouldn't build a new house on top of another without removing the foundations first, would you? So equally in life you first need a space to be able to build anew. So think of this month as space clearing, and that means removing anything or anyone who have no place in your world any more. There is little room for sentimental attachments but that is, of course, your paradoxical motivation, so the first battle is with yourself. To get what you want you must work with the cosmic biorhythms not against them. So don't complain if you fail in a personal purpose or mission because you were afraid to rock the boat or hurt someone. You can't go crying to others until you've learned to help yourself. Grow a thicker skin and be ruthless in your elimination of the old, then the new can take its timely place in the provided space. During the first week your intellect and intuition finally fuse together, much to your evident relief. So often, you're forced to choose between what seems right and what feels right. You won't have to make that decision now, especially when it comes to your love life. You are correct in thinking that a someone is gazing at you in a romantic light.(c)2001, Russellgrant.com
This evening I went back to the Church knowing that Alex and her mother had plans elsewhere. This, my second open circle meeting, was even more powerful than the last and I definitely received several pleas for help from outside influences. Among these was a girl named Debbie who wanted to speak to her mother. Alas I was too chicken-shit to stand up and face the music, although I vowed to make a move the next open-circle in two weeks time.
Yet more hours put in trying to fix up the Amiga I wanted to sell had left me quite bored and I just wanted rid of the thing by now. I wanted it to go to someone who would really appreciate all the computer could offer, so I installed game after game onto it, along with music and sound editors, a suit of home office applications, demos, animations and all the rest of it. Hopefully I can get it all together by next weekend so I can think about advertising. There was also time to visit Beverly and I got to know about an Alternative Healing day over in Morcambe in two weeks time.
Still churning over thoughts of possible relashionships, I was drawn towards the Augurie cards to find out some answers. Although I knew all about knowing too much and how it could destroy the surprises of life, I also knew that I was drawn to these cards for a reason. So I asked the questions and up came the answers. Things didn't look good. Basically I was being given the opportunity to be with a girl and develop my talents around her - but this would not be the marriage made in heaven - there would be a breakdown sooner or later within the next six months. For some reason this made quite a lot of sence. I had been waiting for those awesome feelings of compatability towards her but I couldn't see them. So I took the opportunity to get out the Tarrot cards and double check, and again the same messages came up and showed a possible agreeable relashionship (with passion) but nothing long standing. 'Patience and Wisom is needed for this girl will let you down'. All the more reason to appreciate each special day we had together then! I was still determined to see her at the weekend regardless.
A new wage was put into the bank and this time the signes where good. Althought I'd sqandered £50 on the college course I was very much looking foward to I was still in the black; just about. Now the car insurance was due again, and so was the road tax, so the budget had to be boiled down again to make sure the money got spread thick enough to cover it all. Still, there was room for a few luxuries here and there so things wouldn't be so bad. My Horoscope spoke of my difficulties like a parrot on my shoulder (or spirit by my side) and pointed out that even though wisdom and patience were called for, I could still get what I wanted but by being upfront and bloodyminded this weekend.
(sat)
Another day, another phone call to Alex. I had put it all to the back of my mind just to get through the day, but as I prepaired to make a getaway the nerves began to frey as usual. No sooner had I walked in through the front door, the phone started ringing. It was Alex. Her mother had been on the nag again and had persuaded her to call me in the hope that I might fancy her. We talked for a while but I couldn't get out of her any reason why she wanted to ring me at all. Eventaully I broke the ice a bit more by bloodymindedly asking if we could get together the next afternoon. She happily agreed insisted I call her again after lunch to finalise plans. I also mentioned the Healing and Therapy day in Morcambe which Beverly had mentioned on Tuesday, and again she was happy to say 'yes' and she would book the day off work to made it a date.
(Sun)
The first of many crazy life stimulating days which make you glad you got up in the morning. First off I rang Alex and we agreed to meet at a petrol station just down the road from there she lived. Without any idea of a plan for the day we met, and with £20 borrowed from her mother set off towards a Burnley adventure. We didn't stop talking in the car and I get to know what kind of music she liked and her frequent hopes to fly off and see the world. We arrived in town and at last we made our way towards the 10pin Bowling building. I had never bowled before but soon got the hang of it - winning the first of two games! Then we hung around the pool table and then the shufflepuck table for the rest of the afternoon. I enjoyed myself, and Alex said she did as well, but being quite a reserved Aries I couldn't tell what was lying just under the skin. All too soon it was time to go and we talked about spiritual issues most of the way home. When I finaly got to see her place I realised my reservations about showing her my untidy digs where nothing compaired to the mad house she called home. We hardly get 5mins together to talk between phone calls and friends popping in, out and around the place. I was still probing for a connection, some kind of intuitive reaction to her life which would draw me towards it, but the more I searched the more I found obsticles and mismatches. So I arranged to phone her again the next day to come back to my place for a while. This would give me the best chance of talking about things which mattered - but I would save the ultimate questions until after next Sundays Healing show. She also let me borrow her favourite book - 'Star Signs' by Linda Goodman - which would become a very important book in my spiritual future.
(mon)
The day was dry but clear as I picked Alex up from her house in Rawtenstall. We were still probing each other for signs of attraction and I knew that this day would let me know the situation one way or the other. We spent the whole afternoon at my place, mostly talking about Linda Goodmans book and the reality of the universe as we saw it. Although we ended up confirming each others views, things were stil nowhere near as interesting as I had hoped our collective philosophies would produce. Eventually we drove back to her place so that she could begin work at 5pm. Alex had gone quite. I knew things had gone unsaid. As we parted she didn't look back. I returned home under a black cloud. I felt like my life was so different from everybody elses; how could I hope to attract a partner without being interested in socialising? Alex enjoyed going out on the town and so did everybody else, why didn't I? There must be girls who can see past the delights of drinking in crowded clubs... For the first time I began to regret and hate my avoidance of these things. But then the cloud lifted and I quickly realised I still had a lot to offer. I could cook, clean and manage a house; I was kind, thoughful, loving, patient and wise; had lots of hobbies; and I could be a passionate and faithful husband and father. My time would come.
(tue)
Eventually I turned on the TV to see the horrific events happening in New York City and Washington DC. Three hijacked passenger aircraft had almost simultaniously been plunged into two of the most famous buildings in America - the World Trade Center and the Pentagon; and potentially killing 20,000 people. My heart sank as I sat, mouth wide open and half eaten sandwhich in my hand, at the barbaric pictures unfolding on the screen. Those poor people. All those wasted innocent lives. All these familys lining the streets in tears; their lives wrecked beyond recognition.
I woke yet again from the same dream I have been having all week - trying desparatelly to work out what the message is supposed to be. The recuring dream theme revolved around my car in one shape or another. Forst of all the car had been stolled and broken down into bits. I found it just in time and fictional friend began to help me clean the mud off and put it back together. Then the dream ended. Another time, I was in a car I once owned (a red Ford Escort) and it broke down just as I drove it up to my old school building. Again, mysterious friends helped clear my path back to the road; although try as I might I just couldn't bump-start it back into action. Now the dream had returned again, but this time I was in the car park at Asda with five heavy bags of shopping. The car had been stolen and try as I might I just couldn't track it down. Up and down that car park I wandered as the sky was growing dark. Then a huge gust of wind knocked me off my feet and I curled myself into a ball on the floor amid floods of tears. The wind was so strong it turned me around as I lay and sent me sliding across the tarmac. When I opened my eyes, a stangely familiar girl came over to comfort me but I didn't want to stop and talk about it.
Horoscope: you are looking a little too deeply into problems that have taken place between you and a loved one. Make the peace now if you want to indulge in the romance that Venus is planning.
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16th September 2001
(sun)
This as a big day, and I knew it. I also knew I'd sleep like a log when I got home so the first thing I did was to make up the bed. Alex was up late and was in a rather guarded mood, but I was still determined to enjoy the day as friends. Traveling to Morecambe for the healing fair was a little more tricky than I had expected; going in completely the wrong direction for a record three times before we even got near the place. At last, after leaving Morcambe and coming back in again from another direction, we managed to find the sea front promanade where everything was happening. There were waves of people there, more than I had expected for a September afternoon, but the sun was shining which made everything much more enjoyable. I ended up parking a mile away from the fair on a dead end street named Victoria. The spirits it seemed where trying to tell me something with all those wrong-ways and dead-end signs.
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17th September 2001
Now I was begining to understand what all those dreams were about last week. I had lost my direction. I simply didn't know what I wanted anymore; career wise, spritiuality wise, relashionship wise, or just about any wise. It all started to make sense as I sat in my third open circle at the Spiritualist Church. Instead of simply asking if any spirit wished me to be their medium I instead asked if any of my guides wished to come and talk to me. "Yes" came a voice and I found out it was Frank coming through with a question.
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19th September 2001
Around this time I was becoming more aware yet again that things other than myself where trying to help me. A number of things began to appear in front of my eyes and one or two pointers would be shown to me in flashes of inspiration. Among these was a very clear message which basically said that my work on the Life School would eventually be made into a book. Of course! All the spiritual material I have been considering this year had found it's way onto the internet site so why not make it all into a proper printed book? It would take quite a while longer, but it did spur me into re-editing my core article - Soul Evolution.
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21st September 2001
(sat)
At last! The last day of work for a full week and a half. As usual, the day draged on and made sure I was very aware of each hour I passed though on my route to freedom. This wasn't such a bad thing as I'd been trying to make the most of each day for quite a while - and today I rememmbered that this was what I should be doing everyday. After work I made sure I noted down a health, fitness and recreational regime for me to try to follow while I was off. Rule Number 1 - Relax and balance myself; hopefully by visiting the Spiritualist Temple as often as possible and practicing meditation and Yoga. Rule Number 2 - get at least one hour of sunshine everyday (I know this is natures medicine); and rule 3 was to spend as much time asleep and doing crystal therapy as possible. After that I would make up the rules as I went along. Oh.. and no sexually stimulated energy releasing (or only at the weekends) as I'd been doing quite a lot of this what with meeting Alex and all.
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22nd September 2001
Up very late as I'd been up until 5am that morning thing about this and that. Before I knew it, 5:30 reared its head and I was setting off to the Spiritualist place via my mums to pick her up. I really wanted her to feel the healing of the place and get some spiritual healing from the good people there. She was in a very talkative mood but everything which came out of her mouth was either a jab at somebody she knew or a reaffirmation of all that was wrong in her world. Later she questioned me why I thought she needed healing - I think it was plainly obvious but I couldn't come up with a suitable line to explain myself in the middle of a church concregation. The service, as usual, was a great experience, no less because we both knew Ivy the speaking medium. There wasn't a message for us though, as I knew there wouldn't be, but I still beleived many valuable lessons had been aired that night. Then we both went into the healing room for a little spiritual nurishment. I asked mum if she had felt anything, either in the main room or during healing. She had not. Nothing. My head was on fire with a glowing aura and an expansive third eye chakra; but she was left completely dead. Trisha was also there that night fresh from a two week break in Ibiza and I enjoyed catching up on current affairs with her. She had missed the church, and I'd missed seeing her there - kids and all. I forgot to mention I was going to see Tracy later that night and I'm sure she would have been interested, but by the time I came out of a long healing session she was just walking through the door.
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23rd September 2001
(mon)
The whole world around me was clearly up in the air as I walked up the leafy, windswept road towards my first day on the councelling course. As if the set the whole thing in motion, Alex stood waiting at the college entrance smoking a cigarette. Perhaps she wanted to catch me before I walked in - for some mystical reason only she knew in her heart. Yet I forgot all I wanted to say to her as we made small talk by the gate; and instead we talked about the Star Signs book and Mind to Mind which I finally plundered back from under Tracy's bed the night before. I played it cool as I always did. But I was late and had to break off the experience before one of us said something more interesting. I didn't know whether I still fancied her, maybe she knew more than I did.
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24th September 2001
As the day came to a close I found myself back in church at another Awareness class. Due to the inreasing interest in the subject, the co-runners of the course decided to start the beginners off again with the basics, while separating off the seasoned performers to do their own thing in another group. Tonight the subject was spiritual forces and Auras - a subject I knew much of after using Reiki to discover my own aura and it's foybals. First of all I was paired up with Mark, a quiet kind of cool customer whom I first met the very first day I enetered the church and sat down beside him. We got on quite well, and I could see he wasn't the sort who usually liked to mingle and make lots friends (as I usually didn't outside the church), so I tried to put him as much at ease with me as I could. Then the fun began as we were assigned to discover how it felt to feel an aura. As soon as I started, my usual Reiki magic began flowing with its tell-tale tingling sensation in the palms of my hands. I was surprised to feel that Marks aura was amazingly strong; especially his crown, brow and navel chakras, despite a total lack of stimulation (crystal therapy, meditation, yoga, exercise) on his part, although I did act on a strong urge to heal his throat chakra which, it was obvious the the world as well as my fingers, was completely lacking in the power to perform. Then we swaped places and it was my turn to feel his hands waving over my body. The point of all this was to make it easier to recognise foraign vibrations around the body, and to know which direction to point my communications antenna to receive their broadcasting messages.
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25th September 2001
The time had come to finish off a project I had begun a few months ago. My original plan after receiving the two Amiga computers of my old friend Dave (22nd July) was to use one as a backup storage machine and do the other one up to sell. I'd spent the last few months grabbing stuff off the internet and installing game after game onto the machine I wanted to sell and now I wanted it out of my sight. A free advert went in Loot magazine at the reasonable price of £125 and now I put the hours in to get everything ready. To make matters more interesting I was also saving up for the car insurance again. It was over £400 last year but after a bit of bartering on my part I managed to get it down to nearly £300. What a score! But I'd only started to save for it the month before as that was the only time I had had any money that whole year. I knew if I wanted I could pay monthly at £30 a time, but this would rip me off £60 extra over the year. If I sold off the Amiga and a few other things I just might be able to pay the whole lot off in one go; leaving sod all left for Christmas or anything like that; but I'd come out better for it. So I made the deal with the bosses upstears - if I could sell the machine I'd try to pay it all off, and if I couldn't I'd just pay installments. There also happened to be a set of exercise weights and a weights bench lying around the place which I hadn't used since the days of the Weight Training and Bodybuilding Guide. So they went in the paper as well. One way or another I'd know the outcome by the end of this time off work. In the meantime all I needed to do was to get the computer all set up ready. Then its CDrom drive broke!
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26th September 2001
(wed)
Got out of bed and immediately started work on the CDrom. I'd got it working partically the night before but now it wouldn't even try to work. So the only thing to do way to mess with it all inside and see if anything made a difference. After hours of trying one likely theory after another I was almost spent. This thing was the difference between selling the machine (and paying off the car insurance) and not, or at least not at full price advertised. The air was thick with my ravings by now and I'm sure the heavenly vibrations were watching it all with interest. Somehow, talking about it aloud to my guides, subconcious mind and higher self made it all a bit easier; like I wasn't alone with the problem and an understanding ear was always there from these unseen friends. As I confessed to them that I was just about to give up and ponder the next step, I sat back again for a moment and received an inspirational solution. I tried it. It worked!
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27th September 2001
The wind howled and the rain lashed the pavement as I let light in from behind the curtains. The I went back to bed! Now to sleep, but to get some deep crystal healing with a little Reiki and a lot of meditating imagination. The first thing I wanted was to start clearing out all those thing I could remember from my past which may still be holding me back. Linda Goodman sujected in her book that quite a lot of (if not all of) what happens to us is the result of previous actions or Karma. An 'eye for an eye' as they say 'what goes around, comes around' - meaning that the harm done to these people may be from a previous life and we are infact responsible for the wonders and tragedies in this one. True or not, I knew that an aweful lot of the bad things were indeed my fault; either because I'd pushed my mum away from me or because I was too blind to see peoples true motives and nature. First I sent a huge bunch of flowers with love to Liz and knew that the last scraps of bad feelings were gone between us. Then I got to work on the other two things I could think of - my mum and the dog (who guarded my mums love as her own property). I would have to work on these two for a while longer before greater things happened.
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28th September 2001
Just as I was cursing the British summer for failing to materialise yet again, out comes the sun for a mini heatwave.. in late September!! Of course I wasted no time in getting out into the garden to soak it all up. I couldn't remember the last time I could relax and sunbath - it was probably way back in July or something - and it made a refreshing change from all the rain we had had over the last few weeks. I had hoped to start a belated Yoga session but that didn't come to pass, instead I was back in the bedroom trying to fix up the computer to sell to a guy who called earlier that day. Just as I thought my troubles were over, things again tried to test my strength. First the newly rebuilt CDrom drive didn't want to work with the selling computer... it worked fine on my usual machine, and on my backup machine, but not on the one I wanted to sell it with! So I spent most of the day ripping up machines and swaping things around to try to find out why this hardware was being to picky. Eventually I pinned down the problem to a memory chip on one of the memory boards and removing this solved the problem. Then the keyboard packed up!, and I spent the rest of the evening trying to cobble together a working keyboard from the melted and burned up one on my backup machine. At last it was 9:30 and everything was working...again. I'd sorted out all the software I would give away with the machine and copied a whole heap of disks so the guy had plenty to work with - if only he had turned up!! The one who did come, at nearly 1 in the morning was Simon, back from a week in Didcott near Oxford. It had been a while, and he had changed again it many more subtile ways which he doubtlessly hadn't noticed. I had almost forgetten what it fealt like to have visiting friends, and now that I was becoming my OWN best friend it didn't seem to matter. He promised to come back the next day for a proper conversation.
October
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1st October 2001
(mon)
* I couldn't sleep hardly at all that morning, becoming awake and staying awake after 6am, although I did remember having a dream about larger changes coming my way. That made quite a refreshing change from the night before when I dreampt of emtering pyramids and riding on a bus plowing it's way endlessly though deep, thick snow. The one thing I did like about that one was that both me and my mother were on the top deck of the open top bus together; shoveling out the clouds of snow between us. That seemed to bode well for my latest attempts to get to know her better and hopefully end up loving her as a mum again - at least just a little bit. I'd go over and see her again the next day.
Another housework day came along as I endevered to vaccum the house from top to botton for it's usual monthy clearup. After an hour or two of this I was now able to get into the back bedroom again - having removed countless empty boxes and a pile of broken glass (from a plate and several tumbers I broke over a year ago). The hoover also made it into the front bedroom for the first time in months now I had thrown all the computer equipment onto the frontroom carpet instead. I checked my e-mail to find another hopeful customer was enquiring about the Amiga so left a positive message on his answering machine and patiently waited in all day to hear a reply. By 8pm I had heard nothing, so I called mum to say I would be round there the next evening to see how things were going.
Still no word from the people with the money so I didn't look like I'd sell the computer today. Time for plan B. Among the hoards of unplayed CDs I owned there was one collection in particular that I knew I didn't need. Back in the dark days when I had lots of money but no taste in music, I liked to collect everything by the artists I did like. At one time I had collected so much Duran Duran music and memorabilia that I was hard pressed to find anything new. Yes I had all the singles and albums in 7", 12" as well as CD and tape and all the videos, collectables and promos. I think I sold it all for about £450. Now I was looking towards a nineties pop group - Dubstar - to inject my wallet with similarly needed cash. To get the energies flowing I e-mailed an old fan of the band I knew from a mailing list. Fans give more credit for an artists work!
Before breakfast I re-potted another group of plants; the ones I had rescued from the Asda compactor; who were finding life hard work in the trough I provided them with. Out they came and into new indivitual pots which I could Reiki much more easily. One plant in particular had almost died on one side and as I taped it out I found that side almost broke freely away from the rest. So I found a nice small pot for it, reiki'd it like mad and sat it directly in the window. At least I tried my best. Looking after plants can be like being with people; they can't always show you what they want, so you have to regularly notice how they are and what they like.
Awaking after a full nights worth of dreams I took an extra two hours slumber time in bed to think them all over. To begin with I remembered I was in a classroom and using a cash register - which I couldn't get the hang of because there were no labels on the buttons. When I looked down I was completely naked and the cloths I had worn [possibly a uniform] were now too small for me. I remembered asking a girl out for a drink, and two males came to sit with us at the table. I also remembered standing in a field [a field of interest?] and watching a red helicopter stall in the sky and crash into a nearby river. I tried to find the wreckage but couldn't and ended up waking back up the river amid attacking dark demons. Sarah from the coucelling course was still on my mind; and had been periodically all week as a new interesting member of my 'crush' fanclub. Maybe the dream ment that my hopes were to be shot down on this one? After seveal more adventures, including fighting my way out of a snooker hall and fixing a leaking sprinkler system [crying?] I found I was in the kitchen of my old home with my mum and a new dog, who, while eating a stack of picked beatroot, turned into a girl in front of my eyes and said her name was Sarah. Quite an acheivement for a dog! I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said she had no ties whatsoever (even though I knew in real life she was a mother). Where had all this taken me? All I knew was that I'd had to ask this girl the big question soon to get it all out of my head.
(sat)
I realised that life is far from dull for me, at the moment or at any time. What wonderful feelings I had been receiving, what pearls of wisdom were coming my way. My thoughts were deing answered all the time and I was just starting to learn that the universe was indeed a playground, and that things we can dream of can come true. I hadn't really noticed before; being forever caught up in the future rather than living in the present; but I was actually surrounded by women! Those at work were ever present of course but I wasn't drawn towards any of them. Then there was Alex, who had not been back to the church for quite a few weeks now. Maybe it was partly to do with seeing me? Then there was Sarah, who was good looking and just my type. And then Trisha as well, who had everything rolled into one - but also had three kids. Choices, choices.
After my brief studies of Numerology I was beginning to notice one of two things about dates. For example, 8's didn't do me much good, as I found out today as I tried to sort a few things out before I went back to work. The housework didn't get done, and all I managed to do was to work on the Glory Hole web site all day. I did go out one to Harrys garage to pick up a fuel system cleaner - but it was closed. I also forgot to cook a chicken until it was too late to do anything with it. At least I had a bath - with left me drained if anything.
Woke up this morning feeling ill, with a hundred agravations I had to kill - before I went back to work. All the bills I could think of got put into a bag and were paid off one by one. The car insurance also got phoned in; so even though I didn't manage to sell the computer, paying now by monthly direct debit would give me a lot more spare for birthdays and Christmas. Just the way I needed it really. Harry's garage also received a pit stop where I at last saw him about the fuel additive and the exhaust, which was rattling. At around 4:30 I made my way up to the Glory Hole to see Beverly and ask about the web site. She was in a much finer fettle than I'd seen her in a long time and really seemed to be taking life by the throat again. It was a pitty that my body didn't feel so well as I'm sure I'd have shared Bevs uplifting spirits otherwise. But I only had myself to blame as usual for this; having eaten only two meals a day for two weeks had taken half a stone off my slender frame, and taking extra holiday related liberties didn't help either. So the old tested illness formula got the dust off again to fight this menace as quickly as possible - lots of fresh orange juice, porrage, paracetamol, warmth, sleep, and two proper meals a day!
Still ill, and back to work. The worst thing about being off is the thought of going back to work. Especially if you are as bored with the job as I was. At least it wasn't hard work and there was plenty to be getting on with today for me at least. Helping customers with directions and throwing 28" TVs into the backs of cars did eventually brighten my outlook, but it didn't stop me moaning to the Personell superviser that I really could do with moving onto daytime hours if this was at all possible. At least then I could hope for some kind of social life before 10pm. Thanks to my new aura shielding method I was also able to relax a lot more and act much more my usual casual self. 'My Cool' as I liked to call him; who appeared whenever I was around anybody (except Simon and his friends). Unfortunately, I had forgotten how well this kind of behaviour tends to attract girls, and soon I had the eyes and ears of several pointing in my direction.
The last thing I remember last night before hitting the sack was to wish I could have a lucid dream. Since I last experienced the phenomenon way back in January (13/01/01) I hadn't been too bothered about repeating it - possibly because I was so ill for a long time after. Then last week I was drawn to several pages from the Spirit Web which told me all about licid dreaming, spinning, and kundalini. The later had come in handy as I talked with Tracy a few days before, but now I was betting ready for another experience. Dreams had been coming thick and fast everynight for weeks and so this night was no exception. The first thing was a jouney into a cult - of lycanthropy and werewolves; who could change appearance in front of my eyes. There was an initiation procedure involving whipping before I received a rundown of werewolf lore. Several years ago I wished I could become a werewolf, thinking it would be exciting, but now I was in the company of these creatures found I wasn't prepared to take human life anymore, and so they went away. Then there was a scene in a petrol station where I couldn't get fuel in the car or make it start. A voice shouted out "What's the time!", so I opened my eyes to see it was 10am. I went back to sleep to find I was now walking along a sunny foreign street into into a luxury appartment. There was a guy in here (who I later found out was called Mary) who seemed to be helping me an showing me things; including a stage where two woman sat acted out a play. Later, as I sat taking a bath in this place, his face came to the bathroom window and I listened while he made a phone call. Out of the window, at least two huge helicopters took off and I just couldn't resist the urge to jump out and climb back up using a rope. If all this seemed strange, it wasn't - I found myself next in a room of these 'helpers' who all wore Asda name badges. Mary had at least 5 of these badges on to show he'd (she'd) been around before, I presumed. The woman figure I now found myself talking to explained about how they were above the human state and helped people while they were asleep. She said she thought they would move up to a stage higher after doing this job and I said 'Yes, I wrote about this in Soul Evolution'. The room lifted with a glad tone as the people around me knew exactly what I was talking about. I'm sure one said that several people also came through there with the same inspired information. Then I was told several stories including one of a famous female painter who didn't actually paint at all.
Over the past few days I'd noticed myself thinking more about Trish again, dispite trying to put relashionship matters on the shelf for a while. Taking the opportunity to practice my newfound numerology skills, I quickly came up with two of Trishas' numbers key numbers of name - 9 and 27 - the same as my key numbers of birth date. I also remembered that on the day I received my second batch of messages at the spiritualist temple (9/9/01 - what a date!), I'd been chatting to another healthy attendee named Bob; who would become a good mutual friend to us both.
Monday. I woke from a dream where I was lost among a crown of people searching for a girl. I saw her from the other side of what looked like a football stadium and called out her name. She did the same and made her way towards me. Pushing a large man out of the way we were almost together... and then I woke before I saw her face. Turning over in bed I remembered just in time that I was supposed to be at College - a lucky reminder indeed. This morning the lesson was based around a guided visualisation lead by a Tom; still recovering from flu from the week before. Although I'd been through countless visualistations in the past, this one was different. My imagination was crystal clear as I stepped out of a field and into a wood of densly packed trees. The soft muddy path led to a small cottage full of old dusty relics (which I knew represented the stuff I kept inside which I needed rid of). Then there was a wall; about waist high; which represented a obsticle I needed to walk around. This was easily done. Next came a stream with a bridge over, and them Tom said,
I felt slightly different that morning, slightly more confident and slighly less worried about what everybody else on the planet thinks. The Aura work had also been going well and by pulling it in I really did feel a lot better in amongst crowds of people. And so it was that on this cloudy October day I found I was able to stroll around town at my leisure without unnecessary feelings clowding the issue. Later, exhausted from my earlier mind-work, I took time out to let the mind run free a little. I thought about Trish. What I should do with this opportunity? As I ran all the possibilities though my hopeful mind, an alarm started to sound outside. Not just one alarm but mysteriously three, all playing in discord together. I came downstairs and tried to block out the shrill echos while I got the cards out again for another questioning session. The symbols were not good, and warned that somewhere along the line this woman would use me and take away too much of what I really was. This was obviously a blow, but looking back over previous excursions I noticed that the same message had come up the first, and only other time I'd tried it. I sat in silence for about half and hour before picking the pack up one more time.
An interesting articles grabbed my attention as I discovered the planet Neptune has been going backwards in the sky since May. According to a top atrologer, the planet was now out of this 'backwards' phase and was now set to move forward onto bigger and better prospects; which would especially delight all us Pisceans. Both love and a finantial opportunity would be found this weekend, appearantly. I had certainly noticed a change in me over the last few days, and seemed quite obviously to be a shift from my male side (characterised by a deeper voice, intellectual mind, higher libido and other brain-based fuctions) to my female side (softer voice, inquisitive mind, lower libido, more power to the emotions and everything else connected with the heart). I was getting quite used to this happening now as it rattled and rolled my body around maybe 3 or 4 times a year. After all, the sign for Pisces is two fish swimming endlessly around each other and in the opposite directions. Male and Female? It wasn't as if I was gay or bisexual or anything, so what did it matter?. Maybe the Mushrooms had triggered something off? I had wondered if the crystal therapy would make any impact on these metamorphoses, maybe weakening them using balancing stones such as Snowflake and the grounding Hematite. They obviously hadn't yet. Nevertheless it seemed like these elements did help soften the transition and I had been carrying Rose Quartz and Blue Lace Agate in my newly bought pouch to great effect. Next I would carry Snowflake Obsidian and Citrine around to see if any more balance could be arranged.
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18th October 2001
The car was playing up again; only a small problem this time in the shape of a rattling exhaust. 'A tenner should fix this' I thought and optimistically plugged it back into Harrys Garage. I really wanted Sundays psychic fair to run as smoothly as possible, which included rattling exhausts.
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19th October 2001
Something caused me to be late that morning; only by about 10mins but just enough to make me miss Harry as he slipped home for the weekend. My car was still parked outside, but I had no key! What was I going to do about the fair now with no car and no key?! Angry at being so let down I went off to work and had a terrible day - worse that I'd had for a long time. All the usual tricks of 'I expected too much from the situation', 'I took it for granted' and 'I really didn't need to go as I can get everything I need right here' were true and yet failed pathetically to cut the tension I had over it. Simon said he might tag along with us if he wasn't too busy... and what if Alex decided to come on Sunday as well... I would then be letting them down too! I at least had connections - I had told enough people about the show to know that they could give me a lift if I desperately needed it. But the real pain was having to call mum and tell her the bad news. Thank god I was talking to her answering machine so I could make it short and bitter-sweet.
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20th October 2001
(sat)
Before work took over my ego for the afternoon, I phoned Bevery to ask if I could tag along with her to the Psychic fair. Both her, her husband and the dogs were already being sqeezed into a Vauxhall Vecta and so there was little chance of my mum getting an invite as well. I knew from Bevs tone on the phone that this really was an inconvenience, although she was more than happy to help. A few minutes later I walked around the blocks of houses surrounding my abode and down past the library into town. The thought of letting people down over this trip was weighing me down until I could bearly raise my head to notice my path. Mum had even managed to get hold of a photocopied list of the talks being held at the fair, and had crossed off the attractions catching her eye. I felt aweful to let her down now, but what could I do??. As I passed the library I noticed a familier face just about to jump into his car. Who was it? I passed the car before realising this was the guy who worked with Harry at the garage. I stopped mid stride, swallowed a bit of humble pie and tapped on the window. Within moments, the mobile phone was connected to Harrys ear and he agreed to specially open his place at 11am on Sunday to let me have my wheels back. The spirits had been working hard to put this situation back in my favour, and no amount of 'coincidence' could describe the 1,000,000/1 chance of its happening. I called Bev as soon as I got home to let her know and then phoned mum to give her the good news. She wasn't overjoyed - I'm not sure whether she knew this emotion anymore, but things were on again.
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21st October 2001
Ilkley, a small town in the Yorkshire moors and made famous by the traditional folk song 'On Ilkley Moor 'Bout 'At' - was on my destination board that Sunday. 11am saw me by Harry's Pilot Street garage just as he appeared in the doorway with my key. I reminded mysef to get another copy cut ASAP!. Then it was off to get some petrol and some air in the wasted tyres before the motorway took over my view of the world. Mum was pesamistic as per usual, self-centeredly pointed out the crosses she'd made on the events programme while simultaniously pointing out that 'everything would surely be booked up by now' or 'by the time I managed to get her there'. Mum was becoming a problem again - I wasn't sure I had the patience to put up with her character anymore, and debated whether or not to say so and get it out of the way. As it turned out, we arrived just after dinner and in plenty of time to get tickets for any of the seminars on offer. I quickly picked up another book by Gill Edwards called 'Living in Bliss' which I hoped to read in time to give away to one of the women in my life this Christmas. I also found the stand I had been looking for by the Ecoflow people; who were offering their brand of magnetic blood ionising watches at £30 a piece - which left me pretty much skint within 20mins of entry. But what the hell! A visit to the bank later and I was back inside buying crystals. Moonstone and Aquamarine were the Piscean stones that I'd been waiting to buy since I first heard their name. They were also listed on a cup mum braught me back from Benedorm - which said they could enhance the powers of Pisces. Jade drew itself into my pocket to help with matters of the heart, as well as Hematite, Sodalite for grounding and connunication and a small piece of Turquoise for protection.
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22nd October 2001
The sofa seemed an inviting place to spend the night after smoking too much dope the night before. This was just the sort of thing which was creeping back into my life, and what must be cut out if I wished to get on the spiritual path again. I thought long and hard about life and really began to hate what I had made of it. Again the fork in the road was clear as I tried to decide whither I should start going out to pubs or whither I should detox and get back on the spiritual road to happiness. 'How can I show a girl a good time if I don't know how to enjoy myself??' I thought as I boiled my troubled down to the real nuts and bolts of it. 'Why can't I let go and have a good time like other people - they are happy - much happier than I am. Yes I've learned so much about spirits and about the way things are. Sure I've done some amazing things and been guided by all sorts, but where has it left me? Nearly 26 and still left with the fear that I havn't done anything with my time on earth I can look back on with pride and say "I made the most if it". I know I still don't have any money - absolutely zero cash to spend as I want until after Christmas - and that means no choices. Working 'till 10pm or going to church in the evenings also cuts out nearly everything else, including the time to make any girl happy. Trust in spirit, yeah, that might get my hours changed at work and give me the cash needed to make my own way - or maybe it won't. I can't wait another four years to see signs of hope... '.
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23rd October 2001
Back to reality today as I got down to some serious cooking. I was still thinking about what the cards had said about 'cleaning up my act' and getting things in order, so I made a start by cooking 20 meals worth of food in one go and freezing it. I also began to wonder about a number of other insights i'd been having about purifying the body and cutting out drink and drugs. Linda Goodmans book was also pushing me in the same direction - insisting that all I needed to do to be in better contact with the universe was to rearrange some of the negative areas in my world and promote the positive ones.
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26th October 2001
There were many interesting articles in the daily press about Cannabis I ended up reading today while in the staff rest room. The government in their wisdom had decided ro relax the laws on the drug to try to save police time and money; which made quite a lot of sence in many ways. Of course there were those for the move and those firmly against it, along with much a word to say about the health risks to the body and drain. It hadn't struck me before that perhaps the mind altering state reached though getting 'high' was damaging to brain cells - causing the all-too-common brain drain effect in serious users. Or perhaps this was unsientific bullshit. But then I saw from the Star Signs book that drinking and smoking were the things which actively hindered progress into - of all things - Enlightenment, which it has to be said I was becoming more interested it (and drawn to) of late. A breif reiki sesson on my heart that night showed me that quite a lot of love can be gained simply by loving the universe and the self within it. What an amazing thing it would be to be able to feel this love continually flowing though my system; much easier to attain in fact than forever trying and craving love to come to me from other people.
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27th October 2001
Thanks to the encouragement of love I found last night, my day at work was filled with smiles and joy. All I needed was to feel just a little bit of this force to make my life feel amazing, I just had to make the effort to reach out and grab it. More thories of Enlightenment flooded my newly cleansed mind, bringing together what I had learned through Buddhism, spiritualist and through mystic sciences. At one point in my dreams that night, I distintly remembered being taught all about it quite clearly, and in a way which made perfect and obvious sence to me. All it needed was a return to 'innocence'. A way of cleansing the mind, body and soul back to a point of health similar to that I enjoyed as a child. Healthy food and light exercise (without drinking, smoking or sexual 'misconduct') could free the body. The right food and a regular supply of interesting reading material could free the mind. And reading about spiritual matters, doing aura work, light yoga, reiki and meditation would plug me in spiritually. Over time, maybe many years of this, the energy system would build so much that.. yes, it would connect me to the higher powers. So simple, and yet quite daunting to think that I'd have to live on purity for uncountable years to acheive it. I could do it if I had a partner who thought the same way. My thoughts yet again turned to Alex; what were her thoughts about all this?.
November
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1st November 2001
After a night chock full of dreams - including the usual super-hero stuff, and a rather unpleasant outdoor party with Trish where her friends made it quite clear I wasn't welcome and I left the scene to get drunk - I made myself busy with yet another money making plan for Christmas. The weights equipment, the computer and the music collection I wanted to sell were still hanging around without so much as a word of interest for them. I was also trying to sell off my stash of ganja while my interest in completely giving up was still high in my priority list. The path to enlightenment is full of these small stages it seems. But still no luck in selling any of it! What was standing in the way of the £30 I needed to see me though the fastive period? A bonus scheme run by Asda provided yet another opportunity not to be overlooked; comprising of a 'starpoint' reward, i.e. money, for every good idea sent into the manager and used through the company. If any of my ideas were sucessful, it would also give me credit with the powers that be when applying for a transfer, and since nothing had come up after my recent application for daytime hours this kind of thing could come in handy. So got to work on a list of interesting options ready to place squarely on the GSMs desk.
Another 'last day at work' for two weeks was as usual a very testing time. I was in charge of the fireworks counter as I had been on-and-off for the past few days. But today was Saturday, it was pay weekend, and it was two days before the traditional 5th of November bonfire mayhem. Of course life is never easy when you can only hold so many fireworks behind a busy desk, and the rest of the stock is being held in a secure container in a warehouse yard on the complete opposite side of the building. Luckily I had help from a poor woman who, all day long, was sent too and fro trying to bring back enough stock to fend off the ever-raging onslaught of eager punters and wide-eyed chlidren. The only thing which held the smile on my face was the thought of leaving all this behind for a precious few weeks before Christmas.
Still with a cord of connectedness, I spent many hours in bed rationalising the answers to the clues I had been given the night before. The was after all the 4th, the first of my power numbers of numerology. At last I had found the answer to my questions of the soul, but I couldn't get to work writting all about it just yet, for one thing I had to update my journal with all the latest wonderments. Then a friend from work called to ask if he could buy some of the cannabis I wanted rid of. I was glad to see the back of it myself, and would rather it went to a good home than simply toss it out into the rubbish. At the same time it seemed strange how the universe planned this out - first it showned me how well I can communicate in a high state, gaining many insights I would have found hard to find without such an experience - then the very next day the universe took the catylist out of my hands and rewarded me with some much needed cash. Should I use it or not? I'm sure I'd find just as good a method of communication some time, but until then I at least kept a little for those 'drawn to a smoke' moments. Another thing I realsied that night was that masturbation does short-circuit the energy channels of the body, and only by not being tempted by these things did I have enough energy to be connected. Whether or not to give up this passtime was on my mind last Sunday as the medium said 'they will give you the strength to go ahead with what you want to do', and certainly I hadn't had much motivation to do so since. Now I just needed to find an alternative outlet for my energies.... so I kept myself busy by writing.
(mon)
Bonfire night, and my first day off from work. The money had finally come in to enable me to buy a few necessities. First was the car tax, then the rent - it seemed like there was nothing left again for me, which by the end of the day was quite true. Councelling had been abandoned for the day after Tom had failed to turn up, so the day was open for me to sort out the long list of things you find you need to sort out whenever you try to take a break from it all. Now at least there were no more computers to fix up so no mor excuses for not spending more time working on the web site. Thanks to a huge amount of inspiration over the last two nights I'd made a start on a new article about getting bored with life and injecting that zest back into it, and although I spent quite a few hours hammering out the details I still only managed to get half way through this mini project. I also added a small story to the piece which I only heard the night before in church, which 'coincidentaly' fitted perfectly into what I was trying to say. Yet I thought about not going to church that evening - it was Open Circle night again and I didn't think I'd enjoy it with all the war-like bombs and explosions of the fireworks going off outside. But led on by a half promise made the night before, and a good old-fashioned push from spirit forces unknown, I got dragged over there again.
Dreamland just wound go away this morning as I drifted from one golden dream to the next. The crystals came out for another therapy/reiki session around dinner time but it was almost half past two before I managed to energe from under the covers. Still on the road to a masturbation free world - something which hadn't done me any harm until I discovered this luxury a number of years before - I contented myself with wild fantasies about making love to... well.. Alex. I knew I had faught hard with my feelings to keep this strickly a friendship, but I just couldn't think of a better girl to base my future hopes on. At this stage it didn't really matter if Alex did end up in my bed or some other beautiful creature, I was just trying to show my spirit companitons what I was hoping to acheive in the near future (just as they had asked me to do in their last 28/10/01 message).
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7th November 2001
Spent all day typing up the assignment I had to write for the counselling course, and endlissly ringing around for contacts who could help me. All I needed was a few statistics or a survey to show that Counselling in Schools was a good and an effective idea - but try as I might I just couldn't find anyone in Britain who had any hard facts. The NSPCC was very helpful in managing to put me in touch with a chain of possible leads streaching down to London and Wrexham, and at last I came across a very helpful man named David who e-mailed me all the stuff I needed. By 7pm I was exhausted with it but at last the assignment was completed.
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8th November 2001
Yet another psychic fair was on the books today, and only a few blocks down the road from mums house, so I called her and we arranged to meet there. Like quite a few faires jumping on this bandwaggon the place was almost empty appart from 4 psychic clairyoyants and a man selling crystals. I took the opportinity to get a free birth chart and a large Amythyst for just £3.50. A palm sencing pad also told me what I already knew about my bad circulation, and recommended jogging to ease this distraction. Taking a quick look at the birth scope I also noticed that people born on the 27th of Feb benefit greatly from vigerous exercise - especially swimming and running. I took this as a sign to confirm that my urges to start running again were well founded and that I should seriously consider it - which I did.
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9th November 2001
Quite a few little things happened around today as if to let me know I should be watching my numerological days of 4, 9, 13 and 27. I felt confident with myself and walked around town with airs of grounding grace. A girl made me think as I saw her blindly wander in front of a turning bus in a myst of pure daydream. The bus driver was amused as I was, and I couldn't help beeming a wide smile at her as she awoke from her reality and realised she was standing in the road. Dreamers are attractive people to me - being one myself. While I was around town I tried to sell some of my old record collection to a fe dealers I knew. The one I usually took this stuff to wasn't interested - and I didn't blame him with this stuff. I got £5 for a few CDs; which I quickly spent on birthday and christmas cards; but the rest was clearly rubbish. Next on my shopping list was the book I'd borrowed from Bev earlier that year which truely amazed me from cover to cover. Psychic Warrior, a snip at 9.97, would be just the thing for Alex this Christmas as she was a natural experiencer of astral travel and that sort of ordinary stuff. I also made up my mind to record a talking book for her by Betty Shine, one which I had just recently managed to prize back off Trish; so I knew it was so good that both Trish and Tracy would also get copies this December. Now nearly all the presents were sorted - except for Trishas gift - I had wanted to buy her Linda Goodmans Star Signs, but this book was getting so deep and enlightening recently I was reconsidering. I also knew Trish still looked at me with a keen eye so I didn't want to give her any more false hopes or overfriendly gestures right now.
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10th November 2001
(sat)
Mums birthday was here, so I finally got to present her with a bunch of flowers, a box of maltesers and 'In Blue' by the Corrs - all wrapped in Christmas paper because I had nothing else. Our moods were both more anxious (or sombre) than the last time we met and I realised I wasn't being the life and soul of her party. At least I turned up for it - the only one. I ended up staying all day with her and even managed to share a late lunch with her, which reminded me so much of a mothers unique ability to cook quite unlike anybody else in the world. Again we talked long and deep, but didn't seem to get anywhere, unlike the last time.
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11th November 2001
The highlight of today was the pleasant interuption of Simon once again entering my circle of life. Although he still hadn't brought back the CDs I'd lent him about 4 or 5 months back, this was the last thing I bothered about. I showed him around the computer I'd spent so long getting up to scratch and we played a game together for the first time this year. The old times came back, just for a little while. Then he disappeared and came back a short time later with Gaz, who I hadn't probably seen for months on end either. It's funny - I knew I always got a little unsettled around these two people and I tried my best not to put the old mask on as they came in - but as they went out I knew I'd slipped back into the same kind of unconfident underdog character they knew from school. There didn't seem much point in revealing that I did know quite a lot these days, Gaz might accept it but Simon definately liked to be 'king' around me. I'd tried my best. We smoked some ganja as well; which didn't help me as it sent my head spiraling off into the universe as usual and I had to fight to stay grounded and concentrate on the film we were watching on TV. I supposed that I was just highly suseptable to the effects of cannabis. I'd have to stop.
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12th November 2001
(mon)
My sleep was deep and the music from the radio alarm failed entirely to arouse my carcase. Then around twenty past nine, as if to kick me out of bed and stop me being late for the 9:30 college class, there came a knock on my door and a chim on the door bell. 'At last', I Thought 'my purple healing plates have arrived' but instead I opened the door to find David from college was offering me a lift up there. I had made friends with Dave quite quickly; he was a down-to-earth guy in a lot of respects - judgemental and rather dogmatic sometimes but then so what? If it wasn't for him I'd be sitting in a class full of women! Though Dave I had also found more friends up at the new age camp who were my age and allowed me to be 'me' without having to put on a mask - something only more mature friends had allow in the past. The shock of the day came as the teacher of the class, Tom - late as usual, decided to quit the class due to traveling and time constraints, and rocked the steady flow of an otherwise steady class. We would all be sad to see such a great bloke leave, and all I could do was to offer a bit of balanced positivity by saying 'everything happens for a reason' and that if Tom would be spending more time with people who really needed him; rather than us, who just wanted him; then this change had to be a good thing. He clearly appreciated this view, and I hoped that it would soften the blow for quite a few others.
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13th November 2001
The day started off promising and I got straight to work completing a new tape collection of music called Soul Music - Vibrational Inspiration; a collection of tunes themed around spiritual philosphy and upliftment. Quite a lot of the music was upbeat (such as Primal Scream and the Corrs) but these quickly faded to make way for more moody themes from Engima, Enya and Moby. At the end of such a lazy day I was feeling down, very down. I couldn't be bothered with the TV so I tried in vain to play a Playstation game hoping that would cheer my spirits. Eventaully I ended up reading Star Signs for four hours as I couldn't enjoy anything else. I meditated on why and the answer intuitively came that it had a lot to do with the phase of the moon. I knew a full moon gave me so much energy; and that moonstone crystal enhanced this power greatly; so I wondered if the moon was in its dark phase and robbing me of the power I needed?.
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14th November 2001
(wed)
I felt quite a bit better spiritually today than the day before - the sun was shining and warmed me up as I went out into the garden - but not before I installed the Moonstone crystal back into the pouch I carried around my neck. Was I right about the moonphase? In the evening I looked up Spiritwebs moon calender and, sure enough, only 2% of the moons rays were reaching Earth as it was in the midst of the Earths shadow. Another suprise of the day greeted me as I came down stairs and opened the door to find a package from America lying on the mat. Inside I found a shiny purple aluminium plate and a collection of articles about them. I wasn't sure whether the x-rays used to scan foreign packages hadn't damaged the plate and removed its power; I tried scanning it myself with reiki but couldn't get any significant impressions from it. What harm could it do to carry it around never the less? Non whatsoever. As the sun was shining for a change I went into the garden with it and attempted a meditation.
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15th November 2001
A night full of dreams was an enlightening experience. I recalled winning a Big Brother style game show and swimming in a pool of blue water. During this dream a most uncommon thing happened. The day before I'd used an ancient way of asking for help; recommended in Linda Goodmans book and using the Universal Law of Grace to my advantage to ask for something I wished to know or wanted to remember or find. I asked if the Universe would find a small blue screwdriver I'd lost weeks ago and had tried hopelessly to turn up. At the time I'd been disappointed that I hadn't been touched by inspiration, but as I slept I clearly recalled pulling up the seat of one of the brown armchairs in my house to find this item. That morning I dragged myself out of bed to find out if this was really true - and pulling up the seat cussion of the armchair in front of my computer I found my long lost screwdriver like magic. Tears of joy welled up in my eyes.
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17th Nov 2001
Late again, this time for a meeting at the spiritualist church I'd been looking forward to for ages. £7 would see me into a 10-4pm talk about all things spiritual - I only had £4 so I had a choice to make, would I get to the bank and get some cash for get there on time and hope for the best. I set off and took a short cut which got me there bang on 10am. I came to sit down and two friends I'd made almost since I started coming to the place emitiately offered to sub me the £3 as a matter of course. Ann and Peter were great people. The talk was very interesting and took us in all directions including reincarnation, time travel, inspiration, and the vibrations of the universe. One of the most interesting parts was an exercise in drawing patterns on paper and reading into the meaning of a randomly selected picture drawn by somebody else. It seemed like this medium was one of my fortays and I impressed myself as I offered a completely accurate life story based on a bunch of shaded patterns on a scrap of blank paper. There were only 15 of us in the room which made everything much cosyer, and of course everybody was very open, genuine and friendly. The last part of the afternoon was given over to a demonstration of 'face changing' by the lady running the talks. My third eye throbbed and it seemed she was pulling energy onto her face from the atmosphere and causing temporary masks of faces to appear. I could hardy see a thing as this drain was causing my vision to turn black as if the pull of energy was taking its power from my aura - although at one point I'm sure I caught a glimse of a lady wearing glasses which several other people also pointed out.
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18th Nov 2001
(sun)
The day of shocks was the 18th of November. (1+8= 9 - a very influention numerological number of action). To begin with, while traulling the internet to find reference work for my college assignment I was drawn to Amazon.com. Linda Goodman was the name I wanted to look up and I was surprised to find the book Gooberz she mentions several times in Star Signs was actaully in print at long last. I checked on the latest book, Relashionship Signs, but was shocked again to learn from several of her friends who commented on the book; that Linda had died. 'I know a lot of us thought she would live forever' one lady wrote - which was a loaded comment since the very last chapter in Star Signs was all about immortality, rising the higher vibrations and extending the life-span. I could think of two possible answers; either Linda had died and was by now reincarnated as an Avatar, or that she had faked her death and changed her name (as all immortals do from time to time to stop people getting suspisious). I didn't feel she was in the spirit world.
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19th Nov 2001
(mon)
A new teacher waited for us in class today after the departure of the much loved (but now much maligned) Tom. Fran(cis) was very much quieter in nature and seemed timid at first. However, things quickly picked up speed as we got together into group to discuss what we liked and didn't like about ourselves - which gave most us an excuse to pour our hearts out. This time I came out of the class feeling I'd learned something, even though this guy didn't do much; more a director than a writer; and went off to the college library to print off my now completed assignment.
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20th Nov 2001
Another semi record - I got up at 3pm instead of 2!! This time wasn't completely wasted as I meditated on the reincarnation process and came up with a fantasic new theory based around the way past lives work. As I did this the spirit forces drew close around me and sent shivers around my body. Wouldn't it be so great if this was true, I certainly felt like it was, as I was asking for help from sources high on the vibrational scale of existence. I nicknamed it the Catapillar Theory as this is what it looked like to me - with the current self and higher self as the head of the caterpillar, and the past lives trailing behind to form the body. But no time to waste - this was to be my last day off work for at last another three months so I had to catch up on the housework or be behind forever more. The web site/book could wait for now.
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21st Nov 2001
I made sure I got plenty of rest before returning to the grindstone of work. Even though I'd done relatively nothing with my two weeks, it was enough to help me forget just how much I didn't appreciate having to go into Asda four days a week to earn a crust. My friends were all there to say hello; being their usual opinionated selves. No wonder I couldn't really be myself when I was around them, so the 'calm & cool' mask went back on again and I castually ignored the lot of 'em. My horoscope for today made me laugh saying 'Money matters are taking much longer to sort out than you expected, but you are still spending money like water'. This was hilariously true; and when I got home a voice over my free BT answering service announced that the book I had ordered from my local book shop was now in. At last. Now I could finish Alex's Star Signs and take it back along with her newly arrived Christmas present - Psychic Warrior by David Morehouse. I was worried that Alex would presume I'd given her this book for some underhand reason, but in the event, she presumed no such thing. I also wanted to surprise Kit with the £40 I owed her for her Bowen services, and after cooking the budget down a bit I managed to be able to afford it.
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23rd November 2001
A long day paved the way to a warm answering machine message:
"Hi Daniel, its Alex. Seeing as you're not available I'll leave a message. I just phoned to see how you were.. and.. thats about it really! But I'll give you a ring sometime. Alright, I'll see you later.. Bye." So after some seconds careful consideration about whether she would or whould not be in at half ten at night, I phoned her back and had a good long spiritual chat. During the conversation I mentioned about my Amiga woes and Alex said she might know somebody who might just be interested. The was great news, especially after the advert had attracted so much attention and yet no-one had mysteriously managed to turn up and have a look at it. In a kind of logical way it would all make sence if, by way of fate, this machine had actually been destined to go to this girl after all. I had learned quite a lot since reading Star Signs, and tonight was the night I finally finished the book - although I could have happily read the whole thing from cover to cover again just to pick up those bits my mind hadn't filtered through.
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24th November 2001
The day entered my brain after another series of very vivid and deeply simbolic dreams - although I couldn't make head nor tail of them anymore, I was sure I was being tough things in the spirit realm. My eyes didn't open and I buried myself down under the covers to stop myself awaking too soon. Before I'd gone to bed I had mentally ordained to have clear dreams, and so I was happy; if somewhat puzzled; that yet again my wishes had been answered. I remembered a dream of a canal barge - which moved through the water even though I couldn't figure out how to get the engine running - and also of being on some kind of spiritual (or buddhist) cerimony where I clearly hadn't a clue what I was doing. The recurring theme was plainly obvious, but I was sure there was a lot more to these fantasic voyages than just one abstract message. I turned over, silently thanked 'whoever' for the clear dreams I had asked for, and went back to sleep. A short time later I became aware I was dreaming again, but this time the images were lucid. It was just like I had opened my eyes while I was sleeping and was now looking at the world beyond. So I 'closed my eyes' again and the images when off until I 'opened' them again. Amazing!
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25th November 2001
Quite mysteriously, the nearer each month seemed to get to the 27th day, the more things started to magically happen. The month before I remembered my mystical powers were in top condition and I was lucky enough to receive a third relayed message though a medium. In September I'd just started college, and the month before that, exactly on the 27th, I met Alex. The 27th was the day I received Reiki level 2, and the 26th was the day I had the car accident way back in March. The three days leading up to this time always seemed like doors; opportunities; amazing discoveries - although a lot of which I realised in chained momements of inspiration and could bearly remember them long enough to write them down in my journal. Today was no exaception to this now noticable rule.
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26th November 2001
(Mon)
I couldn't remember any dreams at all as I woke the next day. All I could remember was a voice which had been talking to me all night about karma. It was as if I had been in a light doze with someone wispering in my ear everything I could wish to know. A few hours later and I was on the computer, madly typing up an article which would tell the world all about it. I remembered a very good pice of advice from Pauline (the lady who ran the spiritual talk on the 17th) who said 'when typing from the heart, try just typing whatever comes into you're head with worrying about spelling or how it reads; you should find that the words flow out and say just what you need them to say'. So I did and it is true what she said. The time was nearly 6pm before my bubble of fansination was shattered by the phone ringing; Simon was asking if I wanted a chinese meal as it was his round. I think this was the spirits way of getting me off the computer long enough to eat some food.
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27th November 2001
My dreams were begining to fade in their clarity even though I was still very aware that I was still dreaming my time away every night (and day). Lying awake that morning, I meditated a while with my new new crystal and generally lazed in bed. I looked above my head and saw the light shining between the curtains was resting on a small area of a map I kept above my bed. Without my glasses on, I seemed to be able to see a spiral shape rather like a healing Reiki symbol. Spirals had been on my mind since reading Linda Goodmans section on immortality - I knew these two elements had a lot in common - but how? The spiral was actually the shape of a mountain, and looking closer I saw the whole of the surrounding area was wrapped around this mountain in an anti-clockwise spiral pattern. Because the map was a very detailed footpath map (so big it filled nearly the whole of my bedroom wall; nearly all of the Lancashire region) I noticed that the footpaths, old tracks and even the roads followed the exact line of this spiral. So out came a pencil, and in no time I had drawn the form of a spiral with a gap of about two inches between each revolution. Again and again I found evidence of lines following the curve of the revolutions, sometimes within the pencil lines, sometimes spookily exactly on the lines themselves. There were no roads or buildings within the first four revolutions, and yet the ones which were in the vacinity where lying exactly on the lines! This was quite enlightening.
December
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1st December 2001
The full moon beckoned me towards it the night of the 1st of December. According to Lindas book, the 'man in the moon' was actually a woman who faced to the left and had hair pulled back in a bun. I couldn't see any such thing, but it did hive me a chance to get to know mother moon a bit better. The time was way past 2 in the morning, but I was standing out in the back yard all the same. There was an amazing halo of light around a very bright and powerful moon, which seemed to push all the clouds away in all directions to form a perfect circle of light right over my town. I didn't waste any time; I wished all my hoped towards it in an effort to make at lest one or two come true for me soon. Well, everybody knows about wishing on a star, so maybe the moon (which actively interferered with my mood on a daily basis) would be just as good.
Horoscope: Dedicate yourself to the world of dreams, as you're scheduled to make some serious breakthroughs. While everybody else is shaking their heads with scepticism, you're busy finding ways to meet and surpass your goals. Take a red pen and underline the 8th for that is when Mars moves into your sign [until the 18th of Jan 2002]. This is classic for the start of a brand new life cycle. Something you began around two years ago will either have run its course, come to fruition, been a failure or success. Whatever position you find yourself in, be aware that between the 8th and January 18th you will be more motivated and have the ferocious momentum of Mars behind you to strike out, take the initiative and be driven by personal impetus. No change or new beginning is easy, but you will make it a helluva lot easier if you remove any obstacles or hurdles before the off. [24.12.01] For instance if there is still emotional debris from a previous relationship or bereavement that hit you hard, then don't beat yourself up. Store any happy memories but then pack the rest away, eliminate the bad and be ready to move on without baggage. The best times to do this is the 3rd, 4th, 6th, 7th, 11th and 14th. Until Christmas Eve you will be stalling, indecisive, prevaricating: a miasma of emotions will muddle you. But once Mars gets to grip you will just know that you cannot continue on as you are. The stars agree, which is why on the 24th a radiant ray uplifts your heart, makes you see that a new year is dawning and alongside it a new you. [24.12.01!!] If you can travel or get away for the festivities do so, anything to distance you from your past. Get used to the idea of a fabulous 2002 ahead. (c)2001, Russellgrant.com
The theme for today was Lets Go! It wasn't until half way through the busy schedule that I relised I had been carrying the peridot Lets Go stone with me all along. No wonder I felt great about the world. But to go back to the beginning of this day, it all began with the steady brain draining of the counseling course at college. The group had shrunk yet again, and by now was down to 12 from 25; making things slightly more cosy and less anxious for me. Lately I'd been trying to reason with my ego and getting to the root of it so I could pull the damn thing up and out of my psychy - and Pure Bliss had pointed me so much in the right direction the night before that I was ready for a new look to life. Even Fran, our new lecturer, said that the point of power is in the present moment; everything which had happened in the past is irrelivant because we can only change the effects of this past which manifests to effect us in the present. True words indeed, and surprisingly close to my present thinking. We even discussed how all thoughts away from the present conciousness are pure fantasy, and that by ignoring/removing them there would be far less to worry about. One of the other things I noticed today was my habbit of defending myself against unjustified accusations and ignorant words of idealism. It seemed I could accept the views of others as part of them, and yet I couldn't seem to see it the same way when they turned their point-of-view into a misguided negative comment...
Today saw the re-arrival of Ken and his wife from Blackpool who came back to buy the CDRom drive I had been trying to fix. It had worked for about an hour after they came last Wednesday but now all seemed lost as no new life could be found within its shell. Ken had brought with him what he thought was a working Amiga CD lead from his old unit, but try as we might we still couldn't get anything going. The guy is a very unlucky guy! A few days later I realised it didn't work because I had forgotten to unplug a memory cards which I knew it didn't like, but for now ken still insisted he wanted to take it and try it at home. That's another tenner in the bank! To my delight, ken had also taken pitty on my Playstation problem (i.e. no games to play on it) and had made 10 copies of a few good games to keep me occupied. If the CDRom drive has worked first time, I would never have seem Ken again and I would never have gotten these games! Just another trick to prove everything does happen for a reason. I also mentioned about another Amiga Simon wanted to sell before Christmas.... Only £50...
I could tell he was very interested.
At last a delivery had atrived which I had been waiting for. The Hawkin gift shop always liked to send me their latest calatogue offering all kinds of trinkets and mainly novelty toys to the masses. Simon had put his name on twenty-five pounds worth of stuff, and Trish had gone all in with nearly fourty. I also found the set of water diviners which I persuaded Peter and Anne from the church to buy for only £3.50. Of course non of these people had come up with any cash to back up their orders, but I had included all this in the budget and knew that these would be covered for. Besides, now I had the money from the computer sale to fall back on, which put me £70 quid in the black. It also ment I could shave off Simons share of the money I still owed his for the car I bought in February - and Trish, well she was up to her eyeballs trying to get her new alternative health business off the ground. At the bottom of the box I also came across a small gift I had bought for myself - an Irish tin whistle.
I noticed my dreams were getting back to some kind or normality as I could now remember thintgs about them as I woke up. Last night for example, I was shown my mothers life represented by a cave on an island, constantly being lashed on all sides by the sea. I remembered asking why there wasn't any grass inside the cave and how I could make some appear. 'You Can't' came the answer; but I couldn't get this mysteriously accurate image out of my head all day.
Nothing happened out of the ordinary on the 8th, which was a bit of a dissapointment seeing as my horoscope saw fit to build my hoped up around it, but I knew this day was just the beginning of a power drive which would last through Christmas. This evening I got treated to another free meal certesy of Asda, but this time just for the Home and Leasure staff. Last year I had been more than happy to stay in the corner of the table and hide, but this year I had that little bit more confidence to join in with everyone else. I'd never really got into any kind of party spirit before now as my feelings on inadiquacy or self-conciousness and ego always blocked my ability just to let go of myself for a change. Now, although far from a wild raging party animal, I was calm enough and happy enough just be BE me - a major breakthough! I remembered the key massages I received a few days before from my spirit guide(s), that the key to my stability would come from a relaxed, grounded conciousness of the present moment. No more worrying about the past or the future - the moment was the place to be; and I knew I'd learn a lot more from Pure Bliss if I ever found the time to finish the book before giving it away this Christmas.
I was only ten minutes late for college this morning - my 14 year long habbit of coming in late for everything was very much alive and well. One of the first things Fran mamaged to do was to hand my Assignment back to me with a 'very well done' genture. I knew the assignment was going to be the best in the class because A. I was a gifted writer and B. I had been helped by spirit to gain all the evidence I needed. College assignments were all the same, and so long as a reasonable range of references were used it didn't really matter whether I'd done real research or not. But I couldn't bear to read my the rave review Fran had written about my work in front of the class; so I stashed it under my notebook for later. At the end of yet another 'going deeper then we thought we'd go' class session, Fran more-or-less stood up and raptured my work in front of the whole class. I couldn't bear to be singled out just because of my natural gifts so when he asked me to comment I simply said:
All I could do today was to look forward to selling Simons Amiga to ken that evening, so I made myself busy doing nothing worthwhile what-so-ever. At around 7, Simon turned up to deliver a few odds and ends to go with the machine and generally to oversee things as they went through. Sure enough, less than an hour later, 'the enthusiasts' turned up. I took ken upstaires to play with the CDrom drive again, leaving Simon to chat about holidays and robin reliants to his wife. Still something was wrong with my machine; I just couldn't put my finger on why these CDs weren't working, but eventually we managed to come up with a solution using Simons machine instead. The sale went though and £50 would it's way into Simons back pocket. "Slow down, I sence tension in you!", he said as I finally sat down to a belated dinner. I didn't think I was being all that different from usual. "To say you call yourself a counsellor I didn't see much patience - you seemed to be rushing to kick them out and get it over with." Deep down I realised I was acting a little off-centre but I put that down to not having eaten nearly all day.
I made sure my small snowflake Obsidian got put into my little crystal pouch in an attenpt to balance myself out a bit more. The Aquamarine I had kept in there had done wonders to boost my drives and confidence; so much so that I was now on the verge of being arogent and over confident - something I plainly wanted to avoid. My spirits sank a little lower at work than usual as I turned to my cravings again and again; looking everywhere for the girl who would change my life forever - but I couldn't find her. Temptation began to relax my high standards. Then towards late afternoon a vision appeared with long golden hair, a warming smile. This was just the kind of person I had been looking for - I could spot the innocence and genuineness in her a mile away, and the thought of it raised my spirits sky high. I knew she had a boyfriend, this was also written across her smile in capitol letters, but it didn't stop me crossing her path several times just to make sure. I realised there were (a very shy few) girls out there who would suit me, and the very fact that the spirits had showed me this gave me new hope.
The morning I had a clearance dream which again set my sights high on hope. In the dream I was clearing out a whole heap of cages from a crater like area behind my old home (which we called the lodge). In among these cages were fork-life trucks; which one by one were started and pulled out of this hollow. One fell into the water of the lodge but got pulled out by a friend, as if to signify that these were heavy forked feelings which were at last geing allowed to be realeased from my heart to make way for something (or someone) else. A bit more depression came and went (I would find out days later that this was because the moon was again in shadow). My mind was on girls again, and yet again another likely candidate caught my eye. This girl had been in store nearly every day last week, and was obviouly desparate for a little kind hearted attention. We made small talk and I considered, all things being equal, if I could spend time with her. The jury was out but I didn't get any wild incurable urges to write down telephone numbers or anything so I let things lie. She would see her face plenty more times before I'd come up with the answer.
Since selling the computer on Tuesday my mind had been nagging me about myself and personal things I needed to confront. It was even surgested that I was Gay after a comment made by a completely ignorant and loud-mouthed shopper earlier in the week. I wasn't Gay, I couldn't be! The first aid bum-bag I wore had been annoying my ego as I noticed it wobbled as I walked, making me look a bit effeminate. So that was turned around to the side - the left side (left for the lads) so stop me getting uptight about it any longer. I mentioned all this to one of the few other genuine people at work. Stacy was having problems herself with bullying and an upcoming funeral. We shared each others shoulders for a while and I helped her by reminding myself of a line from Pure Bliss - when things or other people get you down, just say "ah well..". We can't change other people directly, we may as well accept it by saying 'ah well'. And it works! I left Stacy to fight her battles and returned to the shop floor to convince my ego how much I really facy girls and have never fancied boys.
At last I knew that was wrong with my computer, and looking inside it I would the pins on the CDrom/periferal port were bent over - effectively meaning the CD wouldn't work when I plugged it in. While I was fixing this aukward nuicense my hand slipped with the screwdriver and my knockles got a serious scrape. The blood eventually stopped and I was told this was a 'wrap on the knuckles' because of some things I did the night before. Just like in Star Wars, there really is a 'dark side' of the lightwork force which I had inadvertantly found through my own weakness for sexual relief. Gill Edwards calls the realm of dark fantasies the 'shadow self' - the part of all of us which is opposite to our usual self. Then another insight. How could I balance this negative force? The answer came... "Meditation!" How could I reduce the need to release these built up pressures (which effectively short-circuit my connection with the divine)? "Meditation!" How coud I find my real self again..? "Meditation!!!" So I saw to it that I made a serious effort that night; beginning at 11pm I picked up both the Prenite and the Celestite and made a strong connection with my inner/higher self though meditation. The questions came thick and the answers came just as fast, but this kind of soul searching had certainly been long overdue. For a while I didn't know what anything ment anymore, but peice by innocent piece, the puzzle was arranged again and things made more sense. I wanted to know how I could live in Soft Time as Gill had so wisely inspired.
For once I arrived sooner in class than a few others; which made me feel a lot better at not having personally held up the class. The usual gang were all here to gossip and open up to each other about anything other than what we were supposed to be talking about. This morning was about closing down and releasing the interviews we have with people - rather an unhappy and depressing topic to cover just before Christmas - and one lady even ran out in tears having been reminded of her own recent loss. David invited me to a gathering before Christmas which would involve exotic drugs and altered states of awareness. This reminded me of a dream I'd had a few days earlier which involved me tailing a drug dealer in the hope of scoring some LSD. I wasn't quite sure if this dream was fortelling the future or acted as a metaphore for some other life altering craving. I gave it some thought and silently knew this kind of exiting development was a great opportinity not to be passed up; so maybe I'd give him a call next weekend.
My dreamlife was chaotic that morning to put it lightly. I couldn't remember just what had gone on but I knew that whatever it was I was trying to find the answers to; or was being told; that it was something big and annoying. Back on the computer I found the motivation to clean up the desk for the first time this year. A large chunk of the 17th had been taken up with exchanging the motherboard of my normal computer with the one in my backup machine in an effort to fix the expansion/peripheral port I broke as I messed with the CDRom drive. Everything back together I turned on the power to find everything working perfectly for a change. I could now use this fixed slot on the side of the machine to install a new serial card - meaning I could use the internet at full speed at last - if only I had more than a slow 14.400 modem!
Girls, Girls and More Girls - Asda was packed to the Christmas rafters with them and I just loved to watch their shapes moving up and down the isles. It seemed as if this month had been taken over by them; lust in other words; and I just couldn't keep from gazing around and hoping for something special. Nothing did, and even knowing I wasn't quiet ready yet (from gut feelings and perstering my guides) I just couldn't stop myself. I caught many-an-eye but most of these girls were just beyond me - not just out of my league if ever there was one, but just completely different people. I kept myself busy by focusing on the real job of the week, being myself, and Pure Bliss was helping me understand just how much this was important. Only by realising my true nature would things start to be attracted to me. At first the old macho masks would slip back on as I tried to be more like everybody else and avoid being noticed. Then, as I stropped efforting at being cool, things started to slow down, my voice became lighter again as I started to use both my head and my heart, and a sense of humour again started to cheer up a very busy and agitating day.
More girls and more being myself. The lighlight of today was a two-fould stroke of fate which showed me a lot about myself. As usual I found myself fighing for work with the other members of staff just to keep busy, so I jumped out of the rat race and decided to clear up a storage area above the warehouse. This was a mezzanine floor half way up the warehouse wall were we kept all the electrical items and housewares safely locked away. You had to walk through one of the clothing stores to get there but the door was always left open all day so people could go up and down. About an hour into the clearup operation I head a rattle of chains and I came back down to find I had been locked in! Voices came from the corridor and I managed to get someone to go off and get the keys. One of the managers was also in the warehouse on a forklift. He knew the situation, so when this lad came back with the keys and found non of them fitted the lock, I was surprised and shocked to hear the manager shout "Just leave it, It's not your department, let them sort it out." Rage took over my head and I had to stop myself shouting something rash at this man for being to flippant and obtuse about a potentially lethal (in case of a fire) incident. Finally, after trying all the keys in vain, two women off the clothing department managed to unscrew the lock with a screwdriver and let me out. That night the topic in Pure Bliss involved opening your heart to these kinds of irritations and seeing the bigger picture. By turning off the ego we can turn off the anger.
The last day of work seemed to drag but still I kept finding things to do. I brought Pure Bliss into work in an attempt to get near the end before giving it to Tracy. With only three more days until Christmas day I'd been really getting my head down into it's pages - the TV hadn't even been switched on since last Sunday. '[At work] focus on what really matters' was the heading of the current chapter, and a few people in the staff rest room commented on the books attempt to make people see that work doesn't need to be boring and unfulfilling. One or two asked how they could add that spark into their dull work lives, and before I could get myself into 'connected advise mode', my mouth had already palmed off the questions with a flippant 'just don't think about it!'. Basically this was what the book infered; rather than thinking about your work as an endless series of boring chores, think about self development more, and see if you can use this time at work to as an opportunity rather than a waste of time. Of course non of this managed to get past my mind and I wished that I could have felt confortable enough to talk it out. Eventaully the time on my watch said I could go home and so I left Asda behind for a few days while I spend time with myself (or helping to abuse my body to be more accurate). The bottle of cyder I'd been saving got poured into a glass and I let the night roll by.
I crawled out of bed sometime after 3pm and grabbed some porrage for 'breakfast' before going back to the computer for a little research. One of the first things I checked on the internet was a numerology page for the number 14. Something had made me check the numerology calculations again for my name, and I found that I had made a huge mistake. My Key number of name was actually 5 (and not 4 as I thought), and my Compound number of name was 14 (instead of 13). My growing library of reference books was my first stop, and the few sheets I'd photocopied out of Linda Goodmans Star Signs helped with the 5, but I just couldn't find anything to help with me a great deal with the 14; either in books or on the internet. There was only one thing for it; I'd have to buy Star Signs.
I awoke on the sofa around 11 and set my body up for another lazy day. Christmas Eve was a very casual affair this year, and I still didn't feel Christmasy one little bit. The numerology pages I had started yesterday got an update and lots of other stuff got pulled off the internet to make the descriptions more complete. Alex was taking her time calling me to say I could go over with her gift, but just after 6 she got in touch. I was feeling a bit low all of a sudden, and my conversation on the telephone only seemed to bring the whole situation spiralling. Alex welcomed me over and within half an hour I was outside her family home. After an hours talking in the back room, one or two things started spilling out. I told her how I wasn't looking forward to Christmas day knowing that I'd have to visit the cemetry with mum to remember the 9th anniversary of my grandads death. I'd also be spending time with my nan in the old folks home - not such a bad thing as I'd realised how precious this old lady was and how little time we had left together - but in my current mood it just seemed another downer for what should be a lively and happy day. Then, despite a horoscope memory nagging me not to mention it, I blurted out the real reason. I wanted a girlfriend! Alex seemed simpathetic as we went on to talk about all the faults I seemed to store up inside. I begged to know how I could just let go of myself for a change; a process made harder about I didn't like to go out to noisy pubs, and didn't see the point in getting blind drunk - and couldn't afford it anyway. After much head-scratching and chain-smoking, Alex did the only thing she could, she listened and then changed the subject onto happier things. By the time I left I felt much happier. It seemed like I'd used Alex just to unload all my rubbish on her narrow shoulders; I hoped she would understand I didn't to it intentionally.
After the revelations of the night before, I was feeling on top of the world. Time didn't seem to bother me. I knew I had to be at the retirment home by 1:30 to visit my nan and pick up mum so instead of frantically wrapping up presents and craming down food just to be there on time, I slowed down even more, played my Irish wistle a bit and came to the world in my own time. As a result I was fresh and relaxed by the time I arrived dead on 1:30 and spent time with the frail old lady I once ran towards as a kid. The present I'd brought her was the same picture of an angel which I knew as my own from the awareness class; blown up to A4 and played squarely in a mock marble frame. Much later I gave mum the 'faerys in the forest' picture which until recently had graced my bedroom wall. I'd have to get these prints back on display after Christmas when the money came back. Then I could make my home more spiritual, more mystical and more magical.
I loved playing my new Irish Whistle and now I was getting used to it being next to my bed. As soon as I woke up, I'd play around with it; sometimes trying to work out well known songs such as Beatles covers and others from my catalogue of CDs, sometimes I'd just meander with it and come up with little songs of my own. This morning I spent at least an hour playing away, and then got up to find my guitar in my hand. Such musical mayhem left my spirits high and I wasn't overly concerned to find I had no time left to eat my breakfast before work.
The last day of work beforre the new year was quite a casual event. Customers were getting wise to the fact that Asda wasn't the best place to be at this time of year, so most had finished their shopping for the year and were at home by the fire. For the first time in a long time I was getting restless and irritable to say the least. I knew the full moon was making the Mars influence all the stronger, and no amount of grounding or crystal wearing was making any difference to the energy all around me. At once stage I was actually feeling uphappy with myself; a lot like how I felt on Christmas Eve, but more condenced and frustrating. By 5pm all this was in the past and I could look forward to 4 hours of easy work to finish off the year.
The main task of today was settling an unsettled mind. The night before, I'd spent an hour or more typing out next years super budget into the spreadsheet so I could look forward to a prosperous new year. The outcome looked good. I could even hope to buy a new car after April if I wanted. Something which I could use to see the world at last; a diesel car would a good start - and a van would be better as I would be able to sleep in the back. I had a plan all worked out. All I needed to do was to set off after work on Saturday, and I'd wake up in a new place to wander around on Sunday and Monday before coming back up for Sunday night. One good trip each month would set me back around £70 but this ment I could now explore the Peak District, the Lakes, Scotland, Lindesfarn, Wales, The East Coast, Devon and Somerset, Even Cornwall again. I was actually glad to be in Lancashire as I was in a good central location to go and see everything. All sorts of opportunities were opening up all the time now I could look forward to a bit of eaxtra cash each month. Limitless possibilities circled around my head all last night.
New Years Eve was as lazy a day as I could ever have. The TV got switched on around 3pm and stayed on the rest of the day. I got an incurable urge to get out the Tarot cards again and predict the what the world would look like in 2002. The results were mixed but I saw that I would be a lot happier and a lot more secure in times to come. There would also be experiences with girls on the distant horizon and countless opportunites would unfold in my skies. The rest of the day I found a little gloomy again. Simon came up for 10mins the day before to wish me all the best and everything; he was going over to Leeds to set the new year off with the pop of beer bottles. I wanted to get drunk all right; I just realised that being a quiet kind of person ment I didn't really feel at home in big noisy places with lots of action going on. This also included Accrington town center - I was far too unconfident to go out on my own tonight of all nights. That time would come sure enough, just not all at once like that.
A Look Back at 2001
As 2001 came to a close, I looked back at a few predictions pages on the internet to see if anything they said had come true. Much of it had!
You are entering in to a period where change is necessary in order for you to progress. There will be new experiences, new friends and associates, maybe even a new job. The opportunities are there for you if you have your eyes and ears open. There will be opportunity for travel, adding to your sense of adventure and excitement. Take advantage of this new found freedom to improve your life in new ways. This does not mean that you dismantle what you have already accomplished. It just means that you add more passion to your endeavors with a new mental attitude. In January, you must put extra effort into being more understanding and keeping jealousy at bay. By this I mean to keep your nose out of other people's business. In February you search for truth regarding the spiritual part of your mind. March forces you to deal with abundance in the material plane. Guard against being power hungry for this will make your life more complicated. April will bring fulfillment and material success if you have helped others along the way. You'll get the opposite if you were selfish. You may find yourself in a leading role in May and in June you will likely be successful in dealings with women if you treat them with respect. July August September and October will be a successful period as long as you work hard and build a sturdy foundation. Slow down a little in November and remember that pomposity will not be tolerated in December." (c) www.insight2020.com
(c) kabalarians.com"
Notes:
Me and My Life
[first aid cource, May 11th 2001]
[First pull towards Spiritualist Church]
[Alex/Trish]
[Won a ticket to Ireland, but gave it away to Alex, 16th Sept 2001]
[Alex]
[Ken from the Buddhist center recommended voluntary work at the end of 2000 and I ended up applying to join Maundy Grange, 2nd Jan 2001]
Started smoking cigarettes again in Nov 2001]
[Received insights all though 2001]
[Given a set of divination equipment and manuals 19th April 2001]