Biography Intro

About me? Well... there's nothing and everything to say about me, most of which can barely be described as general discussion material. Born into a one parent family, my mother was always a lonely soul - hardened by the many years of managing on pittance wages and small time, pokey jobs. Many years of being thrown around between one man and another slowly tor out the layers of hope, compounded by a heart which never knew love from a responsible mother or father. Eventually these bitter feelings worked their way around to me. She could never show emotion on a motherly level, even down to concern or praise, and every word seemed to come out in harsh or self-centred patterns. As I reached 19, and by now enjoying a comfortable exile in the back bedroom, I noticed the front room, the kitchen and the front bedroom now formed part of a prison of hardened independence my mother liked to cage herself within. A year later and I was in the throws of depression, a journey which robbed me of my self confidence, took away the precious teenage years, and made for one hell of a quick growing up period - I'm still trying to pick up the lost pieces several years on. The worst thing is when somebody tries to judge or categorise me in some way. Do they know the real me? Just who am I anyway? I found this a complicated and difficult journey, and spent years trying to meek out an explanation from every angle and down every avenue. I could say I've tried everything I could think of; a whole range of drugs, both legal and illegal, counselling, changing houses, changing jobs, readings from psychics and palm readers, music therapy, shopping therapy, exercise therapy, aromatherapy, spiritual healing therapy, crystal therapy, word therapy, massage and now onto meditation and Buddhism. And yes it's true, every little bit helps. It wasn't just the drugs and the symptoms which got me down you know, but the constant changing I kept having to go though every so often. The many guises I've slipped into thinking them as 'me', only to have them slide off on their own accord a short time later. I saw a clairvoyant once who said she could see me walking down a very dark passageway (life), opening new doors this way and that in the hope of finding something I needed, only to turn around and lock them again on the way out. Standing by the light at the end of the passage, I can see now what she was trying to say. Some of these doors have been valuable, such as philosophy, sociology, technology, alternative medicine, nature and counselling. Some of these doors have been more challenging, such as drugs, theft, rebellion, gambling, materialism and self-loathing, to name but a few tips of icebergs. Sometimes the way has been cold and damp, sometimes icy and slippery, often with wind and rain, but I'm still here! When everything got me down and I couldn't think anymore, at least I could still put one foot in front of the other. But hold on.. this is me I'm talking about right? Yeah that's right, although it feels like another guy who existed in some other world. A mysterious landscape shrouded forever in fog. And that brings me back to this reality. The symptoms still come and go, usually as I think it's all over, something else subconsciously kicks in and leaves me standing in the rain again. Until the rain completely stops I, and none of my friends can dry my soul. Yet the fears and angers have all gone, leaving a more recognisable human being in their wake. I am normal, that's at least now a truth. I keep telling myself there is hope. Dammit! that light is getting stronger, at last I can almost see it now, I can almost be a whole man. I believe everything happens for a reason. All those years without love has paid dividends as I now find it within myself and throughout the world. The years of uncovering my complicated self has shown me the talents as well as the weaknesses. Now I've made it to the door of opportunity I realise I had the key in my hand all the time, hope! My biggest aspirations are still pulling me onward as strong as ever - the hope of finding a loving partner, the hope of becoming a father and the hope of helping others by whatever means I can. Wish me luck. If you would like to comment on this page or add information to it, click Here last update 02.03.02