Surprisingly, a vast number of enraging situations aren't caused by the faults of other people or by our own mistakes. In order to find out where the root causes of our anger lies, we need to look more closely at the way we set ourselves up for anger to occur in the first place. First of all, lets look at the term 'fault'. This word usually gets used when we need to figure out where the blame lies for anger. But what is 'fault' anyway? Another word for fault is 'imperfection' - something which does not live up to our expectations of perfect conduct or behaviour. Everybody and everything can suffer from bouts of 'imperfection', but what defines perfection (or proper behaviour) in the first place? You do! You set yourself up for what you expect to happen, and if things unexpectedly change, and especially if you are forced to change, you get angry. Lets go though a few examples, and at the end see if you can come up with more of your own:

To take the theory one step further, we often notice ourselves remaining in 'anger mode' even after events have spiralled beyond our direct control. For example, if we spill milk all over the kitchen floor, or in the extreme we stand and watch our house burn down, we can and should feel a whole load of emotions including disappointment, frustration, confusion and hurt - but if the event has already happened (and we can't go back in time to fix it), why get angry over it now? Why not accept the matter and get on with doing something about it! There are many examples of things unnecessarily placed on our shoulders which we can find ourselves getting angry about. To begin with we could try to fix a changeable situation. Or we could negotiate ourselves around it. Or avoid it completely. Or failing all these options we could realise that, whether we like the situation or not, we have no choice but to get on with things - we could accept and move on. So where does anger fit in? It would only cloud the issue and cause you to become even more unhappy about your present situation - so why bother?

It seems that the world does not revolve around us after all. Although many hope that the people around them will instantly and unquestionably suit their needs, the fact is that most of us tent to put our own needs before those of other people - so is it any wonder that all this self-centred behaviour leads to pains and strains. The classic examples are your work-mates and your children. What are you supposed to do if your daughter decides to stop out all night? The answer is to keep your cool, realise that she has an individual mind you can never be in direct control of, and try to come up with sensible heart-felt reasons why these actions would be against your own 'better' judgement. By getting angry you would inevitably upset everybody and cause her to do exactly the same thing in the future in order to get her own back. Getting angry almost instantly ensures that people won't listen to a single word you say! Similarly, if a work colleague decides to upset you, instead of voicing your opinions and sparking a feud, rationally talking things though can often lead to you both opening up a bit more, and a clearer perception of the situation is enjoyed all round. Sometimes these things can bring two people closer just by the fact that you are trying to understand each other. Where's the stress? Where's the anger!

Where there is anger there is unhappiness, so does it not follow that the more we can navigate around anger, the more we will find a happier, less stressful life? There are a few things you can do to balance your temperament and make it less likely swing wildly when things don't go according to your plans. Anything which involves calming the mind - such as Yoga or Thai Chi, will do the trick; but the most effective method is to introduce a regular meditation practice into your week.

Finally, here are a few spot tips and things to try:

• Reserve one small corner of your day as 'personal time' so your can build up your energies without the constant demands of others. e.g., before you go into work, when you come back, or half way though a busy day - making sure everybody in your house knows this 15mins is 'quiet time'.
• Leave plenty of room in your plans for 'unforseen unavoidable interference'.
• If something makes you slightly late, realise that these few extra minutes of your time are not going to bring your life plans crashing down. You are simply giving a little extra time in order to keep someone happy.
• The next time a perfect stranger gets on your nerves or verbally stesses your senses, remember that this is only a brief encounter - you will probably never see this person again in your whole life!

• To help reduce an angry situation; take your time, breath deeply from the diaphragm and think about what you, and especially what the other person is saying.
• Take a breath before you make any responses so you can constructively tell everybody what your needs are or why you are unhappy.
• Think about how you will handle the problem rather than why things have gone wrong.
• Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything.
• Empathize with other people, and try to see that each of us is trying to get through life as best we can.
• Also take the time to look at yourself - are you cold, tired, stressed or depressed? If you are, say so!
• For small mistakes, take the time to realise how trivial and unimportant these things really are - life goes on.
• Humour can defuse a rocky situation, especially if you can make fun of yourself. However, avoid using humour at anothers expense.
• If something regularly triggers a response, face up to it and talk it out or take steps to avoid contact with it.
• If you know you cannot avoid getting angry with influential people such as your boss, temporarily store it and release it using sport or on gym equipment.
• Never let your anger fester or focus it inwards as this will lead to high blood pressure, hypertension, stress or depression.
• Release your grudges and long time hatreds as soon as you can, as the only person these feeling harm is yourself. Refuse to carry THEIR pain any longer and leave punishments for the gods. Life is too short.
• Be in control of your life. Take things in your own time and at your own pace.
• Don't give up on yourself - keep trying.

Related Links:-

• Apa 'Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You'
• Handling your anger before it handles you - By Sharon Foster
• An Anger Toolkit