Journal 2004
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# January
Horoscope for January 2004: "The once-in-a-lifetime astro action astrologers have
been promising you for months happens now. Uranus enters your sign, and Pisceans
the world over are going to feel it (February-born babes feel it first). This is
potentially one of the most dynamic, liberating and revolutionary times of your
life, when you can break out of anything that feels restrictive, and unleash the
Real & Unique You. Take it easy, while you get use to the newfound feelings of
freedom. Where love is concerned, it's time to find a balance between showering
those you adore with love and allowing them to do their own thing. The second
half of the month looks very tasty for those who know how to walk that fine line
and smile at the same time. When you're hot you're hot: January 12 - 14" (c)
cainer.com
The new year started with the biggest bag. A few days after New Years day,
Rachel phoned and we arranged to have a night in together on the Friday (9th).
But on the 5th, the phone went again. It was Rachel, she was coming over. That
Tuesday was an interesting day. We spent it looking each other over and talking
about all kinds of crap. I just couldn't help cracking jokes and trying to make
her laugh. Rachel took it all in good stead - although she wasn't asking too
many questions about me. Non-the-less, by late afternoon I couldn't help myself
anymore. I began to talk about how attractive I found Rachel to be. She
responded with mutual admiration. Just then, the coat rack fell off the wall -
as if to harald the fact that something was going on. We were quiet for a
second, and I asked if I should stop talking about these things. She said 'no,
carry on'. Within the minute we were kissing, and once I started I couldn't stop.
I tried every angle until we were both panting and breathless on the sofa. What
a day. I was feeling something I hadn't felt before. We were 'clicking',
despite how much we were so different. I had to keep asking whither I was
dreaming all this up. Rachel didn't ask much, but she did say all the right
things, and that helped a lot.
We texted each other all week after that until Friday (9th) came. At one point,
the last line of one text read 'Luv me x Rachel'. I didn't know if this ment
'Love from Rachel' or 'Please love me, Rachel'. It all added to the mystery. On
Friday we arranged to meet after work, and I tool her back to my place for a
bottle and a night of comedy and entertainment. The night seemed to go well,
although again, whenever I stopped talking, Rachel was quiet. At work the next
day I felt like there was something missing - but I didn't know what? Everytime
I was away from Rachel I felt the doubt creep over my skin, and I was lost in
turmoil and echoes of the past. Whenever I saw Rachel I was overcome by a
lightness in my heart which seemed to make all my troubles go away. I arranged
to drive her home that night, but not before pouring out my heart to her; trying
to express the feelings that I just couldn't get rid of. I asked whether she
wanted me to back off a bit. She said no. I was serious, and revealed that I
hadn't had a proper relationship in 6 years - determined to shake out any doubt
Rachel might have been having over the situation. But she was all the more happy
about it. I was mystified how this could be. How could this be happening?
Rachel came to buy some paracetamol at my desk and I'd gone weak at the knees.
My whole body was limp with a sudden rush as all the blood went towards my
heart. What the hell was going on..!! That night we went to the pub and had a
drink together - happy in each others company. A guy she knew came over and
split the conversation. In the world of being, this didn't matter; but in the
world of love we were trying to build, this mattered a great deal. But I stuck
around and enjoyed the moment until it was time to go. While she went to the
bar, the guy went into a secret hate campain about Rachels last boyfriend - the
one I was waiting to see the back off. It seemed like he was a creep. That was
a good sign for me - who at least was the complete opposite. He also showed up
the fact that I never called Rachel by her name (always 'you', or 'her'). At last
he left and we all got up to go. I kissed Rachel on the hand with an 'until we
meet again' (it just came naturally) and as I kissed her hand I looked Rachel
straight in the eyes and said her name, before leaving the building. That night
she sent a message which said 'miss u, wish we were together now'. So did I.
The next few weeks became a complete blur after that. Things were happening
almost every day - whether it be meeting or texting or just thinking about each
other all the time. The next day (10th) we met each others eyes again and again
until it was plain that we fancied each other. I was keen to set us off on the
right road and make a good impression. The day seemed to be lifted simply
because we were in the same building. We saw each other that night and then the
night after. I felt so comfortable with Rachel that I felt like I could do just
about anything and she wouldn't mind. I didn't have to watch my words or put on
any kind of act. I told the truth with feeling, and we always able to talk about
often very deep issues about my past with ease and a minimum of uncomfort on my
part. She was an angel in disguise; and although I really did want to take
things at a steady pace, I just couldn't help feeling deep emotions towards her.
That night I poured out my heart when she told me she 'fancied' me. I burst into
tears as I tried to expain that this had never happened to me before. I was so
overcome with owe at the whole situation that I couldn't take it in. We cried in
each others arms at one point. 'How can this be happening to me...? to ME..?'
My heart was pulling at its strings and my feeings were raw and exposed. Rachel
held me tight and I let the sobing take its course until all the rocks in my
hearts had rolled away. I felt so safe and so warm - but it took many weeks for
th hurts of the past to heal. My dreams advised me to wear Amazonite, and so I
did - all week long, in an attempt to open my neglected heart.
On the Sunday (11th) night, it got so late that we ended up sleeping together.
There wasn't a hint of undercurrants or feelings of manipulation; we trusted
each other completely, and I made sure Rachel knew that if I really wanted
something - or was thinking or feeling something unusual - I would tell her. We
were both innocent creatures, and everything flowed together harmlessly. In the
morning she had a Maths exam, but neither of us wanted to leave each other. I
offered to give her a lift up to college but she wanted to stay. I offered her a
place in my bed and she accepted. When I awoke I was amazed to find no wierd
feelings surrounding this girl as she lay next to me in bed. It felt so natural.
Her father woke my light doze with a knock on the door. 'Have you seen
Rachel?', he said. Rachel didn't want me to tell him where she was in case he
jumped to the wrong conclusion, and so I said 'no'. 'I can always take the exam
again in June, and by then I'll be ready for it', said Rachel as I crawled back
under the warm covers. An hour or so later, the door went again. This time
Rachels father was threatening to go to the police. I sympathised with him and
said I'd get her to call if I could find her. Back in bed, I made sure she at
least sent him a message to say everything was ok. We spent the rest of the
afternoon fooling under the covers.
Lots of things were pouring out of my heart, and I'd openly cried in Rachels arms
a few times by now. At first I just couldn't believe someone actually fancied
me; and at least not someone as beautiful as Rachel. This was beyond anything
I'd known in my entire life. I felt knumb, so knumb that I struggled to feel the
love that was so obviously present in our relationship. After the first week the
rollercoaster had rached its height, and by Wednesday (14th) I was freefalling
almost out of control, and went into work a complete wreck. The night before,
we'd spent another night together - this time at her place while the parents were
down the pub. Rachel played me a selection of music from two tapes I'd made her
to give her an idea of my feelings. The first tape was all about me, while the
second was more about my feelings for Rachel. She was complaining of a cold;
which she though I'd get from kissing her. I didn't get a cold, and Rachels
symptoms always cleared up whever I was around. What I did get was a beautiful
night in, and I enjoyed making her happy and exploring her body in all kinds of
sensual ways. Even though her parents came back towards the end of the night,
they eventaully went to bed, and an hour or so later I could be seen sneeking out
of the back door. What a night! I was on cloud 9, 10 and 11 all at the same
time! The day after and everything looked a little shakey. I was so emotional
from lots of mixed feelings and deeply hidden, long forgotten pain arising, that
I was close to tears the whole day. I couldn't look at anybody. I couldn't
concentrate, and all I could think about was my girl. I had to talk to somebody
about it, and I found the right person amongst the girls on my team. I was so
glad to voice what I was going through that I nearly wept on the spot. Luckily I
was saved the embarracment and managed to get throught the rest of the day.
The next week was another upward climb of the rollercoaster, thankfully. After a
lot of reassurance for Rachel that she wasn't about to get up and leave me, I at
last found my heaven in her arms. I wasn't strong at all. In fact I was so weak
from the pain of lowering my defensive shield that I couldn't do much but hold on
tight and hope for the best. Our feelings were getting stronger day by day, and
we were seeing more and more of each other. We were both glad to have found an
honest, genuine, loving partner that we just couldn't help ourselves. The
weekend (17th) came at last and we settled in for another movie and a night of
passion. Rachel stayed over again that night, but this time we wasted no time
doing upstairs. Simons kindly donated sofa-bed was perfect for the evening, and
one hours playtime and fun quickly led to more pleasurable deep sensations. We
awoke next to each several hours later and made ready for work. As usual we were
both reluctant to make a move and held each other tight until Rachel was over an
hour late. Slowly but surely, my feelings for Rachel were growing, and the love
I yerned to shower upon her was gradually beginning to seep out of my body.
All that week we seemed to find time to see each other at least once a day,
sometimes at work, other times I would go and see her while she worked in the
pub. My days off were filled with goings on, and as my home life was being
transformed in front of my very eyes by a new kind of situation. Tuesday (20th)
was the best day by far. Rachel came over from college around dinner time, and I
welcomed her into the slumbering bedsheets once more. I had been sleeping but
suddenly found myself wide awake and with plenty of vigour. One of the reasons
we were trying to take things slowly, and why I needed so much reassurance, we
because I hadn't been sexually aroused by a girl in such a long time. In fact
nearly seven years had gone by with hardly a single eposode to reflect upon.
(several days with Arwen being the exeption). And before that, before Liz,
nothing! I was still quite plainly a virgin, and had had painfully little
experience with foreplay and stimulation. At last a chance had come, and I was
salty for education and experimentation. We took our time, sometimes gently,
sometimes roughly, until we were truely intimate together. Penetration seemed
the next step, and we easliy moved into it all so naturally and in-the-moment
that I didn't feel timidity, doubt or worry of any kind. We were just flowing
with the passion. My penis, quite unused to this kind of treatment, slowly began
to grow painful and I had to withdraw. The experience with still breathtaking,
and I couldn't help a tearful 'thank you' as the full weight of this landmark
fell off my shoulders. In fact I was so happy and grateful for the mirace of
Rachel that I vowed to spend the last of my energy trying to make her happy. My
passion exploded, and my hands and tongue explored until she was moaning with
pleasure. I tried everything I could, as the heat of the encounter threatened to
burn the bedsheets. Finally Rachel let out several screams of bliss and cried my
name as only a women in orgasm can, and we reeled together until all our energies
were used and spent. I lay on the bed panting, and we were both completely
unable to move a muscle for what seemed an hour. Rachel had found an extacy
beyond words, and fireworks and stars had danced in the heavens - shattering her
heaving body into a thousand pulsating peices. We had to use the last of our
strength to pull each other out of bed, and we laughed like two crazy people as
we collaped in exhaustion and held onto the walls for dear life. It took so long
for us both to mave that maybe another half an hour passed before we managed to
pull on some cloths and get (slowly) downstairs. Even days later, Rachel
complained she was still very unsteady on her feet due to the drama of that
cloudy January afternoon - the day that would spark the greatest upheaval in my
entire life...
But life didn't stand still, not for a second after that. Everyday I'd be
dreaming about Rachel, and everyday we'd seem to meet each other to grasp a
snatch of each others love for sometimes breif moments in time. Life was
wonderful. Everytime we saw each other the feelings seemed to get that much
stronger and more beautiful, until we could bearly beleive the changes we were
going through. The next weekend (24th) we were together again, and this time
things went a little deeper. Now in residence in our special sofa-bed
downstairs, we shared the night together once again. This time the sexual
experience was even more special as we tried different ways to love each other.
But even though the feelings were good, I still wasn't sexually aroused enough
to feel the kind of feelings I was looking for. For one breif moment, a fear
crept over my soul as I wondered if indeed I was gay after all. Christ knows I
didn't want that. Here I was with a beautiful girl. The love was building
slowly between us, and my passion was high; it was just that I needed a little
more time to come to terms with the whole experience. I asked Rachel constantly
for comments and signs of reassurance - she was more than delighted with how
things were going, and that held off whatever anxiety I may have been going
through. Somehow, everything seemed to be ok in Rachels arms. The world could
collapse into ruin around my feet and I wouldn't raise a hair if Rachel was by my
side.
A couple of days later I invited Rachel out to the Spiritualist Awareness night.
This was my attempt to involve her in my world and help prevent our worlds
colliding with a bump. It had been months since I last stepped into that place
of tranquility. At one time I thought I'd never make it in there again. All the
old friends were there, and made us both feel very welcome. The night wasn't a
typical playtime, there were lots of deep questions about mediumship being
answered - which kind of landed Rachel in the deep end. Still, we enjoyed a nice
meditation and a spot of philosophy to get the energies flowing. Much later,
Rachel said she'd been a little nervious before I picked her up, and was actually
uncomfortable in crowded places. But because I was with her she felt safe and
warm - which made me feel good about the whole thing. The philosophy I gave on
the night was: 'Honesty breeds trust - to be honest with someone shows that you
trust them'. Rachel felt like she could tell me her innermost secrets without
fear of being judged or that it would harm our relationship - and that helped
strengthen our bond all the more.
The housework had slipped into chaos with everything new on my plate, so when
Rachel came over again the next day (27th) I asked if she could help me tidy the
place up a bit. She was all too keen to show and interest. Within an hour or so
we'd managed to clear up the living room and the kitchen with almost no effort at
all. Everything was easy now. I could trust Rachel to do more than a good job,
and we could work together as a well-oiled team. Things just couldn't get easier
between us! But they did - without halt or hindrance. Work-life was also a
breeze all of a sudden. My mood wasn't all-smiles-and-niceties, but it was a lot
more layed back and able to deal with things going on. But when Rachel was
working, oh how things were different. I'd be smiling! Smiling a broad smile of
contentment with my new lot. We stole kisses at every opportunity and the world
looked on in half wonder and half sickening disgust. How could two people be so
much in love? Nothing on this scale had ever happened in work before - private
interludes were always conducted in the shadows of privacy, never in public where
we could be caught (and often were) at any moment. We didn't care. I'd taught
Rachel enough to know that life was for the living, and everybody elses eyes and
opinions could revolve around us but never get inside.
On Friday (30th), we agreed to meet after work. The month had flown by at a
lightening speed and both of us were too busy on cloud 9 to see time flying away.
I was determined to make progress in my sex life and today saw yet another
breakthrough. We spent a long time in foreplay, and took time to explore each
other and wrap ourselves up in each others love. Intercourse was inevitable.
Rachel had never been made-love-to before - she thought sex should be done with
strength and vigour. After an hour of this, my pennis was so numb with the
constrant and various attempts to arouse each other that I could hardly feel any
pleasure from it. This at least had it's advantages. I could take her right up
to the stages of orgasm before slowing down to build things up again. But after
so long, Rachel had exhasted herself. Now it was my turn on top, and I knew
exactly what I wanted to try. Slowly, I caressed her body and kissed every part
of it until she was ready. Then I entered her slowly and began a much slower
paced, much more sensual style. I didn't build up speed but consentrated on
keeping a nice smooth rhythm until Rachel was in constant pleasure. Occasionally
I'd step up a notch, and then another. Eventaully Rachel reached orgasm - but
because my pennis was still quite numb I just carried on right through it. We
slowed down and then slowly back up again. The continuous groaning told me
Rachel was enjoying herself, and bathing in the joy of sexual pleasure. I was
all too keen to keep her in clover, and even though I didn't feel bliss, at least
I felt a wonderful loving connection flowing between us. Again she reached
orgasm - and again I just kept on going. By this time she was calling me 'God',
and also complaining of sheer exhaution. I asked if she wanted to stop. She
moaned 'oh, no!' and we carried on. At last my love spuds were getting
knackered. The muscles on my pelvis had grown double in side and my body was now
feeling quite limp from the waist down. 'Oh, I'm knackered!' she groaned. I
said 'Are you?' and stepped the pace right up again until all thoughts of pain
were forgotten. Just as I was about to move in for the third orgasm after two
and-a-half hours, something happened to conclude our landmark achievement.
Somebody in the back street had decided throw a brick through my back window,
and the glass broke with a shocking crash. Again I hardly raised an eyebrow -
but after going to investigate I returned find all thoughts of pleasure had gone.
We enjoyed a cigarette together until another similar smash brought my mood down.
Quickly I scrambled on some cloths and grabbed the hefty sold-wood chair-leg I
kept for these occasions. I felt brave enough to tackle anything - as though I
was defending the life of Rachel herself. The backstreet was dark, wet and very
cold, and I couldn't find anybody to beat-up with my stick. I paced up and down
for a while like a steely-eyed guard dog, but could find no scent of my foes. I
came back indoors and drove Rachel home. My nerves were a little shot, and I
spent a while trying to repair the huge hole with cardboard and a roll of tape
Rachel had found in her garage. At last, around 7:30am, I couldn't keep my eyes
open any longer, and fell into a deep deep sleep.
Unsuprisingly, the next day (Sat 31st) I felt rough - but I still invited Rachel
over for yet another night in. By 6 o'clock we were both having to help each
other around. My body was weak but my will was still up and able. We arrived
home sometime after 10 and I made her a meal of cheese, leek and mushroom
pancakes, with a strawberry, banana, kiki and whipped cream pancake desert. I
came in with the meal to find Rachel fast asleep on the sofa, but on waking she
was keen to eat, and remarked many times that the food was wonderful. Not too
long afterwards we were both asleep wrapped in each others arms.
--- # February
Horoscope for week commencing Saturday, 31st January 2004:"The world is full of
good ideas. People have them all the time. The world, too, is full of answers.
There are more of these than there are questions. That's part of the problem! You
are now starting to get plenty of answers. You are also gaining some truly
inspired insights. The Sun's link to Neptune will encourage you to keep talking.
Saturn's more subtle effect though, will enable you to make a real, actual move.
If (and only if) you put in that effort, you will get a result worth having." (c)
cainer.com
February 1st. My night was restless but I enjoyed nice dreams and reported my
stories in the morning. I'd even see a symbol of Rachel in my dreams - as a
dark-brown dog I was walking and climbing with. The time ticked towards 9
o'clock - the deadline to go - but we couldn't move from each other now. We
kissed and rolled for what seemed half an hour only to find time had stood still
for us - it was only 9:05. 'Do you want me to take you into work, or would you
like sex?', I asked. As usual she replied 'I don't know...' but after a few
moments was obviously too turned-on to get up. Once again I entered her. Surely
this time, surely I would loose my virginity... But oh no!, my pennis soon lost
its delicate sensitity! Oh well... Instintively I found the pace I was looking
for and practiced my technique. Rachel was obviously over the moon - I didn't
need to ask this time! Then the passion started and I moved up a gear. For some
strange reason I was now being affected by the erotica all the more, and instead
of feeling empathy with Rachels moans, I felt turned on my them, until she
started wailing before the orgasm - which really gave me a boost of intense
satisfaction. All of a sudden, a surge of pure joy errupted from within my soul,
and my pennis felt sensual again. I moved forward to carry Rachel to climax, but
my genitals spasmed in joyous elation; and at-once delivering their precious load
inside of her writhing body. For a moment there was stillness. Then recovery
enough to leave Rachels capitulated body in complete satisfaction once again.
Wow. I crawled to one side and layed their almost mesmerised. Half thinking
'Wow' and 'Thank God', and half wondering what al the fuss was about. But hell!
If I hadn't done it! If I hadn't just done the one thing that had driven me
almost litteraly mad sometimes. If I hadn't accumplished the one thing I'd been
waiting almost 28 years to do!! And with Rachel - my beautiful Rachel...! Oh
God what a feeling of relief. I didn't want to let go of that moment. The
ephemeral point of sheer amazment and wonder itself.
Despite the constant attention I was facing on nearly a daily basis, I didn't
feel like me and Rachel were going too far, too fast. During the course of
February, we talked, often deeply, about who we were and where we had come from
in life - often revealing quite dark secrets which none of us had told anyone
else before. The mood was one of change and transformation, and we were both
very much geared towards a break from those sombre clouds of the past. Our sex
lives grew and blossomed over the next two weeks - to become one of faith and
security. I tried to consentrate more on 'love' sex than 'passion' sex, although
as time passed I found this increasingly harder to do. I knew we both got a hell
of a lot more from 'love' sex; the feelings and emotions were always stronger,
and we both experienced much better and more sensual orgasms as a result. Rachel
admitted that she'd only had one orgasm before she met me. Now she was having
one everytime we had sex. I was so unused to the whole thing that I actually
felt quite knumb when she endlessly thanked me for feelings she'd never
experienced before. Those feeling got stronger as the love grew between us. I
explored how to make her happy even more, and played with different techniques
and rhythms until she moaned with pleasure for often half an hour at a time. My
confidence was slowly beginning to grow, and although I still wasn't coming
on-cue, I was going it more often and with better feelings in-between. Still
things were getting stronger! Rachel was now complaining of multiple orgasms,
which she said took her into orbit around the planet and exploded her brain in a
shower of silver and gold fireworks. These episodes became more frequent until
they were so regular they were almost taken for granted. But still everything
got stronger, and every time seemed to be the 'best ever!'. I was so glad that
this was happening, although I coulnd understand why. So what? This was doing
it's job - and bringing us closer together with every experience.
Now we were seeing each other everyday without fail, with just enough gaps to
save ourselves feeling trapped or overwhelmed. I slowly introduced Rachel into
my world, and Rachel, to her highest credit, folded me gently into hers. On
Saturday (7th) I took her to Daves 40th birthday party. The atmosphere was good,
and even the stresses of an unfaliliar place and it people did nothing to dampen
the good vibrations. We stayed for one drink and then left for an early night of
rest and recovery from a long week. Rachel looked stunning - more beautiful than
I'd ever seen her - and I was proud to introduce her to the other rabble known as
my friends. The following week I was asked to come over to one of Rachels
friends parties. Again we only stayed for one drink, but the time was well spent
and I saw how her half of the world lived. For the first time I realised Rachels
freinds were all teens. It seemed a bit wierd at first - to actually realise
that Rachel was actually 17 years old! For so long I hadn't noticed it because
of her life-hardened maturity and solid head-space, and for once it didn't
matter. People around me seemed shoked when I said I was 27. As usual I played
on the old 'well I look a lot younger' routine, and one of her friends - also
called Dave - reacted with 'yeah you could pass for 22!'. All this surprisingly
didn't bother me too much. I looked on with wisdom in my eyes and accepted the
lot of them.
Things had changed a lot since I began the Landmark Forum course back in November
last year. My attitudes to life had sofened; especially concerning rules and the
hidden laws I used to live by. Things which used to be 'wrong' in life were now
only occurances and experiences to be played with. Lately I'd adopted the
attitude that 'everythings perfect' - and it was. Even the things which seemed
to be negative seemed to have very real positive outcomes, and the phrase
'everything happens for a reason' seemed to be more apt than ever. As if to
prove how funny life came be when you aren't so hung up on it, Febrary 11th saw
such a challenge. This was the last night of the Landmark Forum Integrity
Course. The course had been interesting, but not as good as the original forum
weekend - which I was still gaining insights from even now! I was determined to
get there even though I'd set off late once again. The car was on rough shape,
and I'd been patching up the exhaust at regular intervals throughout January. But
hell if I wasn't going to get there! Coming off the motorway I heard a strange
noise from the exhaust but payed it no mind. I made it into Wakefield just gone
7pm and congratulated myself on a job well done. Just as I came through into the
carpark, the exhaust gave up the ghost, and the engine began to sound like
concorde taking off! The fun really began when I came out of the building again
at 10. I'd asked for help from Simon - he was having non of it, but after a bit
of persuation I managed to drag him away from the bar to help me have a look at
it. We got down to find the end of the front pipe had sheered off completely,
rendering the whole exhause useless. The irony was, i'd spent all my time fixing
the other end! Simon reckoned I should take the whole thing off and drive the 70
miles with an engine sounding like a broncal bulldozer. That wasn't going to
happen and I had to insist before he ripped the whiole thing off.
Right, what did I have to fix this situation? I had an old t-shirt! So I used
it as a bandage around the exhaust and tied it stongly in place using a
combination of my belt and rope cut from a length in the boot. I fired up the
engine and everything sounded great. Just enough to get home. Just before I set
off, a friend from the forum offered to follow me as far as the M62 to make sure
everything was ok. Everything was beautiful until 200 yards before the M62
turn-off, when this guy runs up beside me flashing his lights in a kind of 'pull
over NOW!' kind of way. I pulled over only to realise my temporary bandage was
on fire and was threatening to blow up the car - with me in it. I pulled a
bottle of water out of the boot and we put out the flames. Just then, a police
car pulls up behind us. The officer gets out and shouts down the radio 'The fire
is out, call off the fire brigade, over.' After a vehicle check she agreed to let
us got on our way. As luck would have it, my friend offered to toe me the 70 odd
miles back to Accrington, even though he lived way over in Yorkshire! As we made
our way down the M62 I couldn't help laughing to myself at the absurdaty of these
situations - and I how a little positive thinking can acheive miracles!
Valantines day (14th) was a source of mystery for me, as well as a sence of the
unreal. This was the first time I'd actually been in a position to appreciate
all it's charm - and loved it! For weeks I'd been secretly trawling the internet
and the shops for any clue of a decent present. Rachel liked ladybirds, but try
as I might, I couldn't find a good fluffy present anywhere. In the end I found
the perfect gift amoung the tat at Asda, a plushy lion and lioness which just
reminded me so much of us together. Even the lions mane matched my hair colour
and style to a tee. I had intended to make her a hand-made card with a poem to
show my affection; but because Rachel was around so aften I just didn't seem to
find the time. The day approached and I had to resort to buying a ready made
card from work. I awoke on the day ready for action, and we made love almost
straight away. I came for a record second time - which left me 'exhausted' in
the extreme. When we finally got to work I found several other lads were
suffering with the same condition. I had to smile. The day drew on, but I
couldn't wait to get home so I could get on with the real valantines day. As I
became bored thing began to take on a more serious turn. I felt depressed for
some reason. Maybe it was the energy I'd lost during the morning. Maybe it was
the old feelings of insecurity - where all the small things seemed to build up
until I felt like I was being taken advantage of. Things came up in my mind.
What did the long term hold? I knew one of the secrets of a long-term
relationship was doing thing together; things we both enjoyed, and that didn't
seem to be happening. At last, after the party, we talked about it; which was
made much easier thanks to the impressions of alcohol. I think she understood,
and the next day seemed to be making all the effort to put things right. We
exchanged valentines gifts and chilled out until it was time for a well earned
rest. Yet another amazing day of experience, and one I felt much happier having
lived through.
I'd been asked to check over my mothers house while she was on holiday, and on
Monday (16th) I finally got around to it. It was half term, and Rachel was ready
and willing to come along. We enjoyed a nice walk over, and had a play on the
swings, before we arrived mid-afternoon. I showed her around the place and the
garden and had a brew. But for some reason, the back door wouldn't shut. We
struggled for a while before taking a break and looking through a few old photo
albums from my childhood. This was probably the oly time this would have been
possible - I'd've been too embarraced if my mother had been there. Time to go -
but what about that back door? To ragged it and shoved it until, finally, after
quite a lot of trial and plenty of error, the thing was almost shut. Only one
corner was stuck out, so I kicked it while Rachel turned the handle. Bang!
Success!! Breathing sighs of releif we ran out of the front door and up the
road before any police showed up. But that, unfortunately, wasn't the end of the
story. The weekend after, my mum phoned up with a story of owe. Appearantly,
the back door didn't work anymore, and she was convinced someone had tried to
break in. I looked on with a smirk on my face as she said she'd phoned the
police and that they'd dusted for fingerprints, but they thought the 'burglers'
had worn gloves. (Thank god Rachel had her gloves on!). The neighbours had been
questioned and reports had been filed, but no 'evidence' had turned up. The door
was knackered - which it had been already - but now they had an excuse to claim
it on the insurance. I would tell her the truth - after the door had been sorted
- but not right now. Oh dear... He he hee.
My love for Rachel was growing all the time. All these things were bringing us
together and closer all the time. Our sex lives were reaching all-time-highs and
our feelings were blossoming into something juicy ripe and sweet. I'd been using
Reiki on her to level our her energy system and boost two areas which were
seriously depleted. This also gave me the chance to practice healing again and
clear my own body of blockages. At first, Rachels aches and pains were small,
but as time went on she would come to me with more serious conditions - including
migrane headaches, and on the morning of the 22nd, a swollen larynx. I gave her
a good dose of healing there and then, and again when I came home from work at
5:30. Rachel reported to feeling better, but still didn't risk going to work.
She invited me over for 9:30 and we enjoyed a relaxing / healing time together.
This really ment a lot to Rachel. This was the first time anybody had come to
see her when she was ill. I was not only seeing her, I was trying to make her
better! That day I realised I cared for Rachel a lot, and I had feelings for her
that I had never felt before. My love was getting stronger - but I just knew it
was nowhere near as strong as all that. Maybe things were moving me into this
new world slowly to save me having a heart attack. In the meanwhile, one of my
guides let me know that this inflamation was no coincidence (as usual). I was
concentrating my reiki now on her throat - and that was the area I needed to open
for the communication to flow. I'd noticed Rachel wasn't much good with words -
maybe this new enterprise would help in more ways than one?
But was my optimism short lived? Less than a week later I realised I needed more
from this liason. Something was missing? What it was I wasn't altogether sure,
in fact I thought I was making the whole thing up! I felt like the first wave of
magic was on the wane, and that the flush of love I had been lapping up was about
to pop like a balloon. To make matters worse, I had a dream in which Rachel
turned her back on me and went away. Rachel was always talking about university,
and although I really wanted Rachel to have the best chance of happiness in life
- with or without me - I felt a terrible gut reaction everytime she talked about
it. I knew she had been cajolled into going for an architecture course - is this
what she really wanted? Rachel said it wasn't; although she still kept talking
about it. All this sowed a seed of doubt in my mind, which grew into something
dark and rancid, to twist it's way around my mind and cousing me to withdraw my
tender new shoots of emotion before they got suffocated in the melee. I talked
to Rachel about it, and got a positive response, but the novelty had definitely
gone. On the 26th, I felt quite down all day. Rachel came over in the morning
and we had our usual kiss and cuddle in bed. My feelings were bewildered, and I
was sure Rachel wasn't showing me what I was looking for. Was I making all the
moves? Where had my passion gone all of a sudden. I sent texts all day to try
to work this thing out, and dispite this rocky patch, I made sure I saw her again
before the day was out; so I could try to clear things up. My horoscope said
"Admit where you're unsure today, and trust that this will lead you where the
information you need can be found. And where you are sure, speak and act with
full strength. Discover your astrological inheritance", and I certainly did that,
but by the time I got to the club that evening my heart had changed. Rachel
looked stunning. I only had to glance in her direction to realise exactly why
I'd fallen in love with her in the first place - and why I still was - very much
so. I had more than enough to drink - a birthday treat, and got a taxi home
thanks to Rachels mum and dad. When I got home I played through a CD Rachel had
made for me containing all her feelings spoken through various artists. I'd made
Rachel at least five tapes by now; including a complete history of our love as
sung by the Beatles. But this was Rachels first. It deeply touched my heart. I
sent her umpteen texts that night trying to make her see how wrong I had been to
ever doubt our bond. It was as if I'd fallen in love with her all over again...
Friday 27th (my Birthday!!) began bright and happy. And that lastest, regardless
of everything that day managed to throw at my face. I was late for college
(again), but at least this time I'd managed not to sleep though it. I grabbed my
bag and ran out of the door. That was my first mistake - I realised I'd managed
to leave without my door keys! Ordinarily I always left home without my mobile,
today one change in 10 ment I had it in my pocket, and I texted Rachel to see if
she could come and let me back in, and waited patiently for a reply. In the
meantime I had to hand in a psychology report I'd spent three days working on at
the last minute. It was finished bar-the-shouting, and I just needed to print
off the final draft in the library. And then I realised I'd forgotten my library
pass! I asked around and groveled to the administration staff for a free
temporary pass until I got myself in. This was typical landmark stuff -
transformation in the face of 'change'. And I sat at a computer; half hoping my
run of bad luck would end; but Ha!, now the disc with my report on wouldn't work!
Failure at the last. No matter. I went home, still on a surprisingly good mood,
where Rachel was waiting with a cool smile and a warm hand held in my direction.
With just half an hour to snog and grope before work, we made the most of it. My
day was amazingly good after that. Things still tried to go wrong, but I didn't
go with them. I felt so good I felt 9 years old again - now that was a good year
- one of the last. Because it was my birthday and everything, I hoped Rachel
would be waiting when I got home. The romantic in me fantased about candle-lit
suppers, soft music, nights by the fire, a movie, sloppy kisses and soft
ice-cream. I came hope to an empty house. By 10:30, I call'd Rachel to find out
what was happening. She was in a taxi somewhere around Blackburn; coming back
from a night out with 'the lads', and half drunk on MY birthday. It wasn't the
fact that she was drunk, or that she'd been drinking all week despite being
unwell and on anti-biotics. It wasn't because she had gone out with her friends
on the one day I wanted her with me. No. It was the fact that she'd promised to
be back in plenty of time for me, and possibly with a surprise waiting. How
could I trust a girl who consistantly broke promises? When she turned up I was
in a dull mood again. That was the last straw, and my back was breaking under
the weigth of it. We sort of made up, and I went for a bath while Rachel
telephoned a take-away; which I ate, alone, when I'd finished in the bathroom.
Rachel was in bed next to me, pretty unwell and head soaking in vodka. We made
small talk. My hopes had been shattered. And although we both enjoyed each
others company before bed time (which got so steamy, we both reached unbeleivable
heights of orgasm!), I was glad to put the day down at last. Happy Birthday!...
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 28th February 2004: "You have strong
needs now. So too, does a colleague or companion. It is unlikely that these can
be made to dovetail neatly into one convenient, coherent campaign. Indeed, the
more you attempt to reach agreement, the more likely you are to court conflict.
The Moon is growing full in your opposite sign. Jupiter, meanwhile, is forming a
tense alignment to Neptune. You may not be able to reach agreement but if you are
wise, you will agree to differ. That will yet produce an acceptable solution to
an awkward situation. " (c) cainer.com
The next day was a return to the mood of the day before last - and even more so.
There was something missing! I just knew I wasn't getting whatever it was. A
lack on consideration here, a careless attitude there, a lack of maturity
everywhere - what had I gotten myself into? I loved this girl more than anything
and anybody I had ever known in my torrid existence, and yet I felt used and
taken for granted. To make matters worse, Rachel and I had unprotected sex the
night before and that morning too. The very last thing I needed in my life at
this stage was a baby!! A voice shouted in my ear "she's not the one". My
dreams said 'enjoy it while it lasts'. I was going crazy. I texted her to ask
if she could see me that night, and she said yes, 'she could come down or I could
come up', and 'did I want a meal'. 'Surprise me', I replied. When I got home
she wasn't there. Unhappily I picked up the phone and called. I had never known
Rachel to actually answer her mobile before (except for one time on a bus), so I
was surprised to find I'd got through. Although I knew I wanted to talk, I still
couldn't find words for what I wanted to talk about, and words fell flat against
a wall of silence. Whatever the message was in amoungst the debris of my thought
I will never know, but whatever it was I felt a hell of a lot better for saying
it - and better still when Rachel texted to say she was sorry for taking me for
granted. A number of texts later, we'd made up, and I could put down the weight
of those feelings at last. This was the first test of our relationship...
The next day I was thankfully back to my old (new?) self again. I met Rachel
before the bar closed that night, and came out on a high. I even ended up
singing on the way home - which raised my vibrations even more - so by the time
we got home I was ready to rock and roll. A night of passion followed, and some
hurts were healed once again. We'd both promied Rachels Dad that Rachel would be
home that night. There was an important day at college ahead, and I didn't want
her to miss it. Besides, I'd made a promose - my integrity was at stake - and a
loss of any respect I'd earned in her fathers eyes would be gone if I didn't see
this one though. It was 5:30 or maybe 6 before Rachel was in a taxi heading for
home. I could rest knowing this hadn't dampened what was a beautiful day.
------ # March
The first day of Match was a free day, and I made good use of it. I cleaned up
the front room and did the washing up. I put things away and tidyed the place up
until at least th front room looked presentable. I even walked into the next
town (to the nearest auto-repair shop) for some parts to temporarily fix the car
exhaust (for emergencies). I set off with just enough time to get to the place
before it shut, and even though I made a detour to buy more electric for the
meter, I still managed to get there just as the doors were about to be locked.
Slowly I walked all the way home again. Rachels house was on the way; being
right on the main road. My flowers were still in the window, and the curtains
were still drawn. I crained my neck as I strafed the house on the opposite side
of the road. But my eyes failed to spot any sight of life. I hung my head; for
a seconds sadness; and lifting it I noticed a familiar shape. I staired and
strained for a few more paces; looking for a sign of recognision; until a tongue
came out and pointed in my direction - Rachels way of saying 'hello'. Still
fixed on the shape, I crossed the road oblivious to traffic, and greeted the
object of my desire with open arms and soft lips. We were so happy to see each
other that we hardly knew where we were. As fate would have it, we were standing
a few paces from Rachels house - one minute later and I'dve missed her!! - one
minute earlier and we wouldn't be standing just outside!! This was so fateful
that chance didn't enter into it. This was ment to be. Fate brought us together
and fate was still pulling us together, and I thanked my lucky stars at last for
this natural earth magic. Rachel turned the corner and showed me her new car.
We were so surprised to see each other that we spent at least five minutes
kissing in the middle of the road! Rachel was amazing, and showed a genuine
interest in watching the Fellowship of the Ring that night (at last, natural
enthusiasm!). The movie was great, and I turned off the lights to make things
extra special. Rachel had to go again, but I didn't mind; Rachel would miss
being with me more because she had to leave early. I enjoyed the rest of the
night wrapped in a cussion of love.
The last of the sorrow, self-doubt, pitty, guilt, remorse, unconfidence, hurt,
and pain were finally on their way out of my heart. It had taken a full two
months since I first broke down in tears and let it all go. The first week of
March saw a small change in the right direction. I was so close to Rachel by now
that when I told her my feelings I really drove them home with a passion. We had
to wait a full week before we could spend a full day together, but at last Sunday
(7th) arrived. Rachel was still on anti-biotics from her infection; which ment
she had to stop taking the pill - making spontanious sex hanpered by the
unnaturalness of condoms. The night before, Rachel had again become unwell, and
I'd used Reiki and every other trick in the book to help her feel better again.
Today she was fine, and it wasn't long before we were wrapped in affection.
After searching for an hour to find a half-decent orgasm, I had to give up, and
took off that acursed latex abomonation. The feelings returned and I showed
Rachel the meaning of love at last. If course this ment a serious discussion
afterwards about conception, and we agreed Rachel should take the 'morning after
pill' the next day. In the meantime life melted by; hardly noticable amoungst
the warm shadows and feathery blankets of our world. For some time now, I'd been
wondering if Rachel was my soul mate. I always thought 'love at first sight'
signaled this, maybe this was 'love at first sight'? Rachel firmly believed it,
and today, finally, the pieces began to slip into place. We were planning our
life together - I couldn't imagine life without her - not even in my worst
nightmares. Was this ment to be?
On the 19th (Friday) I was awoken by the now faliliar sound of the door opening,
to which Rachel stepped though on her way into my heart. Again I had missed
college - forgetting all about it after a long night of waiting for Rachel to
finish work. But that didn't matter; Rachel was here, now! We got comfy in bed
and one thig led to another. But I didn't feel completely carried away as I
normally did. Was the magic fading? I hoped not. Where was our relationship
going? I felt like I was on a bridge to god-knows where.
To complicate things, I began to realise Rachel wasn't eating anythere near the
amount of food a normal person would eat - a couple of slices of toast here, a
jacket potato there - that was all she would eat some days. Rachel was
complaining she felt dizzy sometimes; and I began to get deeply concerned.
Rachel stopped over that night, but didn't eat any dinner. In fact it was 5pm
the next day (13th) before she ate anything at all - and that was yet another
jacket spud with cheese. Finally it occured to me that she was always ill on
Saturdays because she just didn't eat for 24 hours at a time. By the time Sunday
came along, she'd feel even worse. I was wrapped in horror and disbeleive that
this girl would do this to herself quite knowingly, and took my time to find the
right words over dinner. Rachel was silent, but did admit she had been ill a lot
because of not eating. Now I felt like I was getting on her case; and that she'd
feel reluctant to mention any more illness in case I began to worry again.
Rachel hadn't seem this side of me before, and was quite unsure how to approach
it. I'd heard all the 'I will's...' and the 'I'll try's...' before and they
never seemed to get anywhere. In fact, I felt is if I was having to beg and
plead for everything; and all those little promised tokens of love and
consideration were lost in their value when I had to constantly ask after them.
I was forced to reconsider our long-term future - and did I really want it? I
turned over the page of my horoscope to find quite a similar message.
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 13th March 2004 "Long-life milk doesn't
have quite the same taste as the fresh type... but it's always useful to have
some just in case you run out. Some people indeed, come to actively prefer the
flavour of the more durable variety. Your current challenge involves the need to
balance an immediate preference with a desire for future security. You're not
much inspired by the notion of making such a compromise but you should give it a
try. You may yet come to discover that really, it's not such a great sacrifice."
(c) cainer.com
Fortunately, fate was at work again to sort out this whole mess. By chance, mine
and Rachels paths crossed just as we were about to leave for home - and I walked
her into town. I knew I'd have to forgive her teenage ignorance, but I was
having second thoughts as to whether this girl was mature enough to handle what I
needed from a mutual relationship. We parted in town and I made my way home.
Dawn sent a text just as I walked in. I'd had an amazingly chatty conversation
with Dawn at a low point earlier in the week - re-establishing our strong
connection. A flicker crossed my mind while I had a cigarette. Reaching into a
pocket for secrets, I pulled out a familiar bunch of keys. I'd brough the work
keys home with me!! There was no way I was going to hammer on the door now to
let myself back into the building. The solution was obvious, and the
presentation it was wrapped in was enough to put my confidence back into the
world. I texted Rachel to ask if she could drop the keys off at work the next
morning, and set off towards the pub to enjoy the pint and the conversation I was
destined to have all along. By the end of the night I'd gotten over the second
test of our relationship... After being warmed constantly about the number '3',
and having lived though a few examples very recently, I had an idea that the last
one would be the hottest and strongest flame of all; a real brand of hell fire
and damnation; that would either seal or shatter our connection for good...
I didn't have to wait long. My destiny was in the lap of the gods, and god only
knows what was about to happen next. Over the next week, my suspitions were
growing about a new presence; a shapeless force moving accross the edge of my
horizon. By Thursday (18th) night I was sure. I sent a text to Rachel asking if
she wanted to talk about anything. On the morning of the 19th I received my
reply. The message was stark...."I think I'm Pregnent".
For a few hours and a few precious days after I wandered around in a daze of
disbelief. The day I found out I found myself in a terrible mood. Finally I got
to speak with Rachel and she came over. She was melancolic. Taking a pregnancy
test from her bag, I knew this was it. She took the test. It was positive. We
talked. Endlessly and almost silently going over the options. But deep inside I
knew one thing; I didn't want this - with all my soul, I didn't want this. Not
now. Not at least now. I tried to reason with her for an abortion; just so we
could get back to our relationship. Rachel said she'd think about it. The next
day I felt strangely euphoric, like I'd narrowly averted a catastrophy, and
patted myself on the back for having come though it. All that day I thought I~d
done it. The night brought new news. Rachel didn't feel the same way at all.
She was secretly determined to see this through - with or without me. I tried
to ask - to plead with her. Rachel was blind in her maternity. She promised to
leave the final decision until Monday when she was to visit the doctor. I didn't
want any other answer. I couldn't imagine how our relationship could cope with
this extra pressure. I didn't know how I'd cope. Everything was wrong: money,
housing, love ties, timing, in fact the timing of this child was so wrong that
there really couldn't be a worse time. I wasn't ready for this kind of
commitment. No way! I just couldn't think about it.
As if to bring this into sharp contrast, things were happening as if to mock my
progress. On Saturday (20th) a car I'd recently bought off Dave to replace my
clapped out old ford decided to break down. The key just wouldn't turn around in
the ignition. Try as I might, the spark just wasn't there. A strong wind of
change was blowing around the corners of the old building, and my vehicle had
come to a grinding halt. I had to do something. Sunday (21st) was mothers day.
The only thing I could do was to fix up the old car and see if I couldn't use it
to jump-lead the battery. After patching the exhaust and stop-start-stalling my
was back to Asda, I made it. I put on the leads - nothing! Try as I might, I
just couldn't kick-start my new vehicle. I was about to give up; to leave the
carcase lying where it lay; when a hand-of god came down and turned the key in
the ignition. I'd made it. Only this new car was in the state of falling appart
under my fingers. The gearbox, the clutch, the lights, then the exhaust went
belly up. What had I got myself into with this deal? Again, the answer was
thown with a fierce hell wind in my face...
Horoscope for Week commencing Saturday, 20th March 2004 "You can instinctively
tell when certain people are holding back information. You can also, usually,
spot a dual agenda at a thousand paces. Your uncanny perception rarely lets you
down. Only when you are worried, or caught up in some wild unhealthy fantasy does
the arrow of your intuition ever fall wide of the mark. Right now, though your
life is not exactly perfect, you're stable and sane enough to know that your
judgement must be sound. Trust it when it speaks to you. Trust, too, apparent
'coincidences' that seem to be telling you something." (c) cainer.com
My head was black with thoughts of a pregnancy - only the chance of a reprise
held in my sanity. Sunday night was a mess. Monday (22nd) morning was a
catastrophy of cataclysmic propotions! Inside the doctors lay a rats nest of
insult and rebuke to strangle the last dregs of hope from my throat. The doctor
seemed to take Rachels view as red, and damn me, dame my opinion, damn my life,
fuck you! - you fucking insignificant shit in the path of Rachel and her selfish
self-centered motives - fuck you! Rachel had taken every word I'd said over the
last few days and screwed them up into a flaky footnote in her day. Sje'd
already made up her mind a long time ago without telling me. All the bitterness
of this decision wrangled in my soul. This was WRONG! This was WRONG!! How
dare she make a decision what effected my life in the more damned and profound
was possible - without my consent in the matter. I sped off down the street not
heeding man nor beast. How dare she?? Rachel begged me to say something. Why
should I say anything at all? Had she listened to a word I'd ever said? She
always seemed to do her own thing anyway - without a backward glance at anybody.
Her glib, immature attitude was plain. Even the rights of this unborn was beyond
her concern. Even the life this creation would be brought into didn't bother
her. She had turned hard and cold, and as it turned out, seemed quite prepaired
to go on living her life without me. "My part is now over", she kept on saying,
"you want me out of your life and I'm gone". How the hell was this supposed to
make me feel? The shock gave way. I went knumb all over, and then fell into a
void of tears for a further hour. Rachel was next to me. Underneath her armour,
she didn't want this either. But she didn't want to face the guilt following an
abortion. I couldn't see how guilt could cause the best and most sensible option
to be dismissed and thrown out of the window; along with her future and her
teenage life. My mind was blank and my limbs knumb. I was dazed and confused. I
had to speak to the one person I knew could give sound advice. Not by chance we
arrived some time later at Dawns. Her daughter was playing on the sofa with a
horse and a peice of shiny string. After a few reassuring answers I told the
whole story and Dawn to her credit, propped me up with kind and thoughtful words.
Rachel was there too, although I hardly noticed or looked in her direction. This
detour was just what I needed to snap out of the hoplessness. I didn't know any
option that would make sence. But I knew it wasn't Rachels fault she was
pregnant - she took care at least to take the pill. No, it was the shock of
having my old life turned on it's head before my eyes, and without any thought to
me. What would I do? I didn't have any answers at all anymore. Rachel made a
few sincere approaches to tell me she loved me. I knew her enough by now at
least to know this was true. She said she wanted me in her life - and I couldn't
let the best thing that had happened to me slip away now, and to have MY child.
We weren't perfect soul mates, and we weren't chalk and cheese either. There was
still so much to discover before I'd know anything - but what I did at least
resign myself to was the fact that I'd just have to wait and see.... possibly
the hardest part of all.
I was glad to put that particular day behind me, but my mood had thankfully
mellowed a great deal by that evening. After a smoke and a taste of reality, the
shocks and shivers began to wane - leaving me in a state of openness to an almost
inevitable prospect. Rachel was going through hell. Finally I took her in my
arms and we held each other tight for what seemed forever. We'd have to support
each other in times to come if this thing was ever going to work. That night I
drempt I saw my new vehicle in two pieces, and the back half of my old car next
to it. My life had definitely been broken appart. By the next morning I was in a
better mood. I still couldn't get over it, but for some reason I was quite
cheerful - I felt more like man. This was what I'd always wnated; to be with a
great girl - one who I could connect with - and to settle down and have kids. I
was the right age. I'd done all my roving and my apprenticeship of life - enough
at least to pass on to the next generation. I also had an uncontrollable urge to
go around and tell everybody my news. And this I did over the next week - but
only to close or trusted friends - I didn't want the wrong people finding out.
By Wednesday (24th), my feet were back on the ground, and my head was stuck in
the budget. The car I'd bought off Dave was about to eat a big chunk of money,
and so was Glastonbury. Thank god for a bonus which came in at just the right
time or I could never afford any of it. The universe was still helping every
step of the way. That afternoon, Rachel and I went over to a friends Citron
garage to get the car checked over. As it turned out, the clutch on this car
had been in and out of the same garage for quite a while now, and nothing had
seemed to fix it. More good news! So the mechanic looked it over and announced
"I could sell you another car cheaper that it would cost to fix this one - it's
better being a right off." A right off! I'd just spent £400 on this thing. We
went away to think about it. On the way home, even the bus driver got our
tickets wrong. Why was everything going wrong all of a sudden? We had to laugh
- that was the only thing you can do when life seems to be too stupid to be true.
Three month relationship, pregnant, no car, no money; life was getting pretty
hard to swallow.
Horoscope for Tuesday 23rd "Better to be safe than sorry. Sometimes though, the
only way to be truly safe is to find out what it is actually like to be sorry!
The 'strong ingredient' in your current situation is one that you need to learn
how to handle. " (c) cainer.com
By Wednesday (24th), it was all sinking in. The sheer magnitude of this
situation filled my feelings with cold shivers. Then the manager came over; I'd
come in 20mins late yet again; and he was determined to give me a good
shakedown. I poured out my thoughts on the probems I'd been going through -
hoping to find releif but finding instead that this made things worse. He seemed
sympathetic, and offered a sensible suggestion, but deep down I noticed a chuckle
and a sly "Welcome to life, kid!". From then on my face was set in 'stun mode'.
Even the threat of loosing my job (pokey though it was), didn't seem to penetrate
my rigor mortis. I cheered up only after leaving work - and that thanks only to
a drag on a joint. I'd agreed to visit Martin that night; but he wasn't in.
Then Tracy wanted to get in touch; but when I call'd she was busy on the phone
for an hour. It wasn't long after that I began to see the joke in all this.
Hey, my life was merrily going down the pan! - hahay! Thank god I had a holiday
coming up - my one life-saving grace - and I was determined to get to the lakes
COME WHAT MAY!
The news sunk in over the next couple of weeks - it took me quite a while to
realise that I just had to let go of my old life and move on into uncharted
territory. Thankfully, I only had a week to work before a holiday, and then
another week before my break in Keswick with Rachel. At least that would give us
plenty of much needed time together. At work I was pretty wrapped up in myself
all week; I just wanted the time to be over so I could do home and spend some
thinking time alone. Finally, I was free from work for a week (and a few extra
days). I had booked this time off to go to th eStanstead Spiritualist College
reunion, but under the circumstances, I was glad this time off had come just at
the perfect time (yet again). The week off was busy - very busy! For the first
time this year, my diary pages were full everyday with things to do. I worked
hard to get everything done. The holiday, on the other hand, hinged on getting
the car back in time; and that revolved around getting some money to get it out
of the garage. The mechanic called to say the car was now top notch - a new
clutch was in and the timing belt and exhaust were also fixed. In the meantime,
I busied myself with cleaning up my situation.
--- April 2004
I waited all week for the cash to come in; finally, on the Thursday (1st) - the
day before the off - the cash (or some of it) was here; and all of it was spoken
for in one way or another. The next day was just as busy as the others. In the
morning I went to college (the last one before the Easter break), and discovered
I'd missed the deadline for the last assignment. With everything that was going
on, that extra hardship was on the very botton of my to-do list. After that I
went over to pick the car up and then dashed here and there getting ready for the
trip up North. At around 2:30 we were off.
Keswick - Day 1 (2nd) The drive up was long, but thankfully I had just enough
time before we set off to rig up a connecting wire between Rachels personal CD
player and my car radio - so at least we had music. Rachel put on the Beatles
Blue Album, and I sang my head off all the way there. The car seemed fine at
first, until I noticed the clutch was slipping. The gears were getting harder to
move through as the engine got hotter. Eventually it was almost impossible to
get into first gear. This little spot was the only blight on the whole weekend.
We arrived in Keswich in a quite sunny afternoon, and it wasn't long before the
tent was up and ready. There wasn't much leasure time left, so we had a stroll
down to a bench where we could watch the sun-set and chat about life. On the way
back we went into the 'Crag Bar' for dinner. I always looked forward to visiting
that place. The decore was rustic and suitably cosy for fell walkers and
visitors alike. The soft seats and woodwork made this a welcome retreat at the
end of every day. We chose what we liked from the menu, (two completely
different meals) and the landlard joked 'so you're compatible them..?' I liked
the way we were individual and comfortable enough with each other to go in
complete contrast, to choose black or white, without feeling like we had to
pander to each others needs. The first night was cold and windy, but not too
unpleasant. We got back to the tent around 10:30 and settled down. At last we
were on our own, miles away from the mundane demands of ordinary life, and we
tried to make the most of it. Making love wasn't easy in a tent; the wind blew
down through the ventilation hole in the roof, and sleepingbags weren't the best
things to have as bed sheets. But we made do, and had fun anyway. By the time
we were finished, the wind had blown all the clouds away - leaving a beautifully
bright full moon, and the planet venus, right over the entrance to our tent. We
looked out into the night from under warm quilted material, and took in the fresh
air of a new chapter in our lives.
Keswick - Day 2 (3rd)
Saturday was a day of exploring. The day started off rainly but quite warm, so
we set off around lunch time towards Keswick town. After only a breif straif of
the local shop displays, we made our way to the lake for a short walk. The
weather got rainier and colder with every step, and the lakeside was no hotspot.
We strolled a short way before finding the only dry spot on the whole route; at
the base of a huge southfacing tree, to sip a flask of hot coffee and soup.
Rachel was quiet, and I knew I was feeling quiet strange at going on holiday for
the first time with a girl, so I put it down to me and the newness of our
relationship. I also knew all about Morning Sickness. We walked a while longer,
and took in some monuments scattered along the way, but after a while the weather
had bampened our spirits enough to turn back. Saturday was market day, and there
was a lot to get around. Rachel was still quiet, too quiet, so I tried to cheer
her up any way I could. We looked up and down looking for a shop that sold cheep
gloves, and eventually we turned into a small clothing shop on one of the back
streets. With nothing in sight, I asked the assistant, and sure enough, a small
bag of discounted gloves was brought from the back. Rachel got a bargain. On a
tour back to the high street, we found a pub to take in a hot drink and chat.
The conversation turned quite deep pretty quickly, and afterwards we were both
refreshed by talking things out a bit more. Finally we were both in a good mood,
and decided to track down a hotel Rachel had promised her mother she'd visit. We
stumbled across the place quiet magically - having no idea of street layout or
where this place might be. On the edge of town was a park, a river, a museum,
and the Keswick hotel. Rachel was hot on the phone to tell her mother about the
place for a holiday her parents had recently booked over the internet.
Afterwards we took a trip around the park; laughing and dancing as we went. The
day was good, and the weather had eased enough for us to have some fun. The
sights and smells of the Lakes envigourated my sences and cleared my ailing sence
of humour. This was just what we both needed. We carried on taking out time and
taking it all in until it was time to head back. I selected the scenic route - a
stroll though a fragrant woodland; sliced down the middle by a river, framed by
fields, and surrounded by a pararama of breathtaking views of the countryside.
The path brought us within a stones throw of the campsite, and it wasn't long
before we were in the bar; enjoying yet another delicious meal, and relaxing
after a full day on planet Earth.
Keswick - Day 3 (4th)
Sunday was supposed to be 'the big walk', but the weather in the night had been
terrible. The wind had almost uprooted out tent, and the rain had managed to
sneak in though some hairline crack to soak the bottom of the duvet. We managed
to get up and around by 10, but waited until lunch time to make any moves.
Rachel was quiet again today, and I could tell she was in no mood for walking.
Instead we took a drive around the lakeland road into the hills. The weather on
the tops was terrible, and we ate lunch in the luxury of a heated car with soft
seats and a radio. Just at the top was a quarry and a shop selling lakeland
stone oddments. We dropped in to see if we could find a door number for her
parents house. We had tried several shops in town already, and we expected this
to be the cheepest place - it was the dearest! I bought a fairy orniament for my
mum, and then we heared on. On the way back Rachel was asleep, so I dropped her
off back at camp for a couple of hours sleep while I climbed Castlerigg fell. The
wind blew me back as I stood at the pinacle of a sheer drop. My was full of
things to think about. What was I going to do with my life now? All the
unheaval of the last weeks had caught up with me and I wondered if we were ever
going to make it. Did I love Rachel? Yes, I certainly did. Did she love me?
Sometimes I wasn't sure. I saved my questions for later and found inspiration
from the usual and most unlikely of sources. One thing I knew more than
anything, I really needed to get a strong grip on my life. In that moment, a
strength of character flowed from my heart, and I marched down the hill with
renewed vigour and a sence of purpose. I got back and made Rachel a hot
chocolate to bring her round. The sun was shining and the day was ripe for a
walk at last, so I took command of the situation and inspired Rachel to come with
me up to Castlerigg Stone Circle. As we talked, I asked her what inspired her in
life - what really got her creative juices flowing. She began to answer, but the
conversation quickly turned to what lay under her breath - she was worried about
telling her mum and dad. This was really holding back her conscience, and only
after telling them could she move on and take on this responsibiliy. We agreed
to face the music the day we got back. Castlerigg Circle was windswept and
broody in its field, but thankfully there was no-one around to spoil our visit.
I guided Rachel though the proceedure for entering circles and paying ones
respects. Once inside, I encouraged her to ask the circle for help; whether it
be and answer to a question, energy, healing, good luck in a situation, or
general guidance. We asked our questions in silence. I ment a reassuring voice
who seemed to know the questions in my soul. She told me that I had the heart of
a Lion and the soul of a Warrior. I was filled from the ground upwards with
confience, and the courage to stand up straight and take on the world. I was
touched by the experience. Rachel received her own messages from a group of
people on the other side of the vale. She seemed uplifted and reassured too. By
then we were both knackered after another full day, and bed seemed welcoming
after the ambience of the Crag Bar.
Keswisk - Day 4 (Monday 5th)
This was supposed to be out last day in Keswick, but we now found we had the
money to stay longer. A couple of days before the off, we had arranged the money
to pay for two tickets for Glastonbury. The day had arrived and, as fate would
have it, the internet site crashed - and stayed that way all night. So we found
outselves with a weak foundation for Glastonbury, but a strong wad of money to
get us by. Today we headed south, along the Windermere Road to Grassmere and
Ambleside. Grassmere was a beautiful place, and I really enjoyed the bright
fresh colours and sights on offer. If Accrington was Gray, with shade of black
and white - Grassmere was blazing in colour. We made out way to a Jigsaw shop
Rachel knew and picked up a couple of peices. Then a wander around town and into
a cafes and shops. Rachel was keen to go into the Beatrix Potter shop, and
inside we found soft little baby cloths and fancies of all kinds to spark a
renewed broody mood. Now the world looked like a different place as we looked up
and down at things for our future. The next call was a garden centre not far
down the road. We ducked in just in time to miss a passing down-pour and hit
upon a wonderful book - the Petter Rabbit Newborn Book. This inspired parents to
keep a record of the first year of their babys life as a keepsake, and would help
us chart the progress and the experience of an infant in our lives. We crooned
over it until we both insisted we had to have one. The day was only past lunch
time when we came into Ambleside. Rachel was quite again. I asked why but all I
ever seemed to get was 'I don't know..?' The showers were becoming more frequent
not, and we had to duck in and out of places to avoid being soaked. We found a
shop selling new-age material and I asked the shop-owner if he had anything for
Morning Sickness and Migranes. He didn't, but a few paces down the road we found
a shop dedicated to selling crystals. I went keenly inside. Rachel was
malancholic. I asked her which stones she had been drawn to, and she pointed out
Hematite. I knew Hematite would be very good as a grounding agent to help her
light-headedness and mild migranes, so I insisted I buy her one. Rachel
half-reluctantly agreed, and choose a nice bracelet of Hematite and Sodalite
stones (a good one for her lack of communication!). Going over to the checkout,
I quizzed the assistant about which stones would be best for Morning Sickness,
and she pointed out the Emerald stone in her guidebook. Rachel jumped at the
name, and chose a polished emerald from a pile the assistant spread over the
table. With crystals in hand, we went back into town for refreshment. We
finally found a pub to drink in after several attempts, and I took the
opportunity to charge the crystals with Reiki. Rachel put them on and almost
immidiately began to cheer up, and even became quite lively. We went out into
the sunshine to enjoy the best the day had to offer. Suddenly, Rachels true
nature shone through, and we laughed and talked like mad fools all the way back
around town. Everything seemed fun when Rachel was being herself. We giggled
and played until we were both giddy, and sought sanctuary inside a clothing shop.
Rachel spotted the kids dungerees and we were off down broody lane once again.
All my worries about our relationship melted that afternoon. We were so good
together that there was no question we were made for each other. On the way back
we stopped to walk around the foot of Helvellin and then came back to the
campsite. This was only the third proper day of out holiday, and yet we'd done
so much already that it felt more like a week.
Keswick - Day 4 (Tuesday 6th)
The last day was mostly filled with travelling. We took our time to get ready
for the day, and had long showers to refresh wind-blown bones. The weather the
night before had been thankfully mild, and after we agreed to move the tent into
a much more sheltered spot the day before, we had settled down to a half-decent
nights sleep. The tent came down quicky, and Rachel was surprised at how we
worked so easily as a team. Everything was packed away within half an hour. We
came into town breifly to buy some traditonal beer and then we were on the long
journey back. I took my time - I really didn't want this trip to be over so
soon. Accrington seemed dead on our arrival; like something out of the past. No
wind blew here - only car exhaust fumes to choke the lungs, and a vague sun to
light the road through town. We offloaded all my stuff in no time, but I was
keen to get on to the next phase - telling the parents.
I tried my mum several times but she wasn't in. Rachel suggested to go over
there and see anyway. She was right. As we came along the road I saw their van
outside, and I tried the doorbell with success. My mum was glad to see us, but
pain little attention to me or Rachel at first. At last she stopped to listen to
our storys and our life together. My mothers boyfriend came down - and he knew
what we were about to say. I introduced the topic tentatively, but confidently.
My mum was visibly shocked to hear the news. The shock turned onto nervous
laughter as we joked about the serious situation we were all in. I told them
that we were going to be ok, and that this thing was happening come-what-may. I
also said that I was affraid of how Rachels dad was going to take this more that
anything. We laughted about it, but it didn't make things any easier. After a
while we got up to go, and I hugged my mum tight, as if to show her I was
thankful for an easier ear. The next step would be harder. So we drove down to
the pub where Rachels mum and dad would be drinking. We hung around them a while
and then sat down in the hope they'd follow - they didn't. We were both flagging
after the day, but I stuck by Rachel in case the news came up. The hours dragged
and eventualy we left with words unsaid. I was a little disappointed but mostly
relieved. What an end to an amazing four days!!